non-lucid

I was overeating at an all you can eat buffet. My dad was there, and I knew somehow that he was reprimanding me about eating with serving utensils, but what he actually said was something about penguins (?)

What I think this dream is about is that at times I am so hard on myself that I interpret comments of others (such as my dad in this dream) as being critical of me because I am critical of me whereas in reality I may be reading something into their comments that was not there after all. He commented about penguins, and I interpretted it as a criticism of my table manners. I got to watch out for that.

First of all this was a dream about my current work, and it was about collaboration with an external organization which we really are collaborating with. This was a REM dream with fairly vivid visuals and fairly lengthy. It mentioned reasons why we would continue to collaborate unless some other reasons occurred. I do don't right now remember these reasons. I did not notice anything in this dream which was not fairly realistic like in real life, except that I do not remember a strong awareness or strong presence and consciousness of myself - more like a movie.

I remember building a use case diagram in UML notation, and it included:

Death with extensions for Died of Natural Causes, Murder, and Suicide.

I forgot most of this dream already, but I remember getting a key that would allow me to telecommute in a new job.

I will choose to interpret this as my subconscious giving me the key to success in the job search: you can do it!

Two work related fragments, one about my actual current job and one in a different job setting, both about database work:

In my actual current job I dreamed that I had taken over a task and the person requesting it changed to unreasonable expectation: wanted it done by a precise time every week, and this task required me to request DBA to run a script which I do not have access permission to run, and thus to mining was not in my control, and yet the expectation seemed to be that I would be responsible. Out of some reason in my dream this script had to be run manually and could not be automated to ensure precise timing. In my current job precise timing does not matter like that in waking life. The request seemed petty.

Another fragment this one from a job which I neither have nor have had yet, also required running a script with data administrator permissions, but in this dream I actually had the database permissions to run it. My boss assigned the task to me, and person requesting it wanted someone else to run it as routine and me just as backup. Why? Because this other person had routinely run such scripts before, whereas I had not. I argued that what's so hard about running a preprepared script: you open it up, and press Execute. Person requesting it: yes, but have you run such a script before? Me: No, because I have not had these permissions before, but I have run many other scripts, and it works the same way. Also even before I had the permissions I had full understanding of what such a script does just no permission to run it. I did not persuade the other person.

Side note: I just had two job interviews which did not result in job offers, and thus I continue my job search. Self confidence is essential to a successful job search, and I struggle with it at times.

Interpretation: Even though in both dreams the requestor is an external person, I think that in actuality what those dreams are about is myself having unreasonable expectations of myself and blaming myself and not having enough confidence in myself - being too hard on myself and not self-assured enough.

Interestingly enough every job search I ever had went like that, and I am not successful until I accept myself, and thus present myself in a way that others can accept as well. The question is just how quickly will that happen this time.

Forgot most of this dream:

Some man saying something about the need to discontinue something, maybe discontinue dream or discontinue game.

There I was on a rooftop (a flat rooftop terrace together with a bunch of other people searching through the chimneys for God knows what, when one of the DCs (a servant girl) asked me,

"I beg your pardon, madam, but is it in London already?"
Me: "What?"
Her: "The plague? We are under lockdown here, madam, because of it."

I think she meant quarantine - which in hindsight is of course nonsense given the fact that I had just come from London and here I was, but my dreaming self actually did not noice that. I started denying it:

Me: "No, it is not. You got the plague here?!" When suddenly I remembered otherwise "Actually, yes, yes, it is." Moreover, I in that moment realized that I most likely had it.

However, out of some reason I was not too upset about that in the dream, and in fact part of me thought this could be an advantage somehow. How? Would it help in our search for bird nests? For Santa? For thiefs? Or whatever it was that we were looking for in those chimneys?!

Thos was a very vivid scene, complete with British accents and all.

Got to work on my dream recall.

I woke up in the middle of the night with the thought feeling: I did it! I was lucid!

But no matter how hard I tried I cannot remember any of it, which makes me think that I probably was not lucid because lucid dreams do not fade like that. Although how do I know that for sure? Perhaps there are tons of lucid dreams I have had, but do not remember?

What I suspect is that this was another non-lucid dream about dreaming. Perhaps I actually remember my dream quite well, perhaps I dreamed "I did it! I was lucid!" And that was the content of my dream?

Anyway for a split second there I was very happy.

This dream was on dreaming again. It took place in some sort of board room filled with official people. I was not there, just observing like a movie, not an actor. The officials could have been judges or moderators, or they could have been consciences of DV members, or different representations of the one God.:

The discussion seemed to be a decision making debate, where the consequences of the decision would matter / make an actual difference / change. The discussion's topic was whether dreams should be limited or unlimited. It appeared that a recent development meant that a prior decision needed to be re-examined, whether it needed to be changed.

Speaker was male, no clue who:
...
"But if we eliminate dreaming, what effective approach would we use instead?"
...

Even though this dream was about DV conversation, the characters appeared visually like real not just as text. However, I do not remember what any of the dream character representation of DV members looked like.

I just remember the last bit:

TiredPhil (speaking in animated anger to another DV member): "You know it's obvious who is going to help me take lucidity up a level, and help me achieve a higher level of enlightenment."

I don't remover much.

I know this dream was about dreaming, it involved discussions with dream characters who appeared official in some way. The subject of these discussions may have been (not sure) the importance of dreaming (no surprise since I yesterday participated in DV thread on our theories about dreams).

I remember that this dream was lengthy. I also remember having a strong sense that this was a repeated dream, that I have had this one before. I think this sense may have been present during the dream, but I was not aware it was a dream I think more of a sense of "this has happened before" (déjà vu). I think this dream was kind of vague blurry non-vivid even when it was happening.

I dreamed that I was talking to my boss Bill (I have more that one man I consider my boss at my work - this one likes to say "Remember, it's all bullshit."

What were we talking about in my dream? I remembered that clearly a moment ago, but then I moved to write it down. Was it dream interpretation? Was it the interpretation of the situation at my work? Anyway, I remember a sense of agreement. Which is as it is I waking life: Bill and I I think are on the same page mostly at least about assessment of situation there I think.

This fragment is very fragmented in part because I think it maybe from an earlier sleep cycle, anyway not from just before waking up:

...
Someone asks me: Why did you stop doing that?
Me: Because the emotions got too strong.
....

And that's it. It's kind of embarrassing that right after a long vivid dream yesterday, this is all I have today. Well actually not quite all, I also have the sense that I may have not quite been myself (distancing myself from the strong emotion and dealing with it?). Also out of some reason when I think of this dream I get the mental image of a very floppy hat, not on someone's head but just lying there (I wonder whether the hat is a metaphor for something in this dream?)

What could this dream be about? My stress level has certainly been through the roof lately, and even before that I have had terrible mood swings for months.

The question could be for why I stopped calling my father. I had mentioned that in a DV thread, and the answer is certainly appropriate for that question. Also the distancing myself from myself as a defense mechanism just in case would make sense.

I just now remember though that the question in the dream may have been job related. it could be: why did you stop loving your job? Why did you stop having faith that your boss will make it all ok? Certainly the answer would apply there as well. Our job has been too emotional lately, meetings which are ultimately motivated by fear/greed/unfulfilled ambitions/etc. And these meetings and their consequences have caused my stress to go through the roof.

Out of some weird reason I had the thought that "Why did you stop doing that?" Could be about introspection self-evaluation. This maes no sense, since I never stopped doing that. However, what if this is about my dream recall. What if my dream recall is not good nowadays and I stopped doing as regular dream journals, because I am self-distancing from the emotions that are too strong in my dreams? We know that dreams tend to have stronger emotions than waking life. I know that I have had some emotionally draining dreams. What if I am forgetting my dreams now as a defense mechanism to protect myself?

I dreamed that I was awake at night. Perhaps had gone to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water or something. When suddenly I realized there was an intruder in our house: a black man with a flashlight. Interestingly enough even though he did have a flashlight which was on, the lights in the room were also on, so I could clearly see everything (in fact I think that's why my dream mind decided to have the lights on).

(Side note: why was he black? Is my subconscious racist? Did he just happen to be black? Have I been conditioned by society to fear black men more, so that an intruder is more scary if black? I am white btw.)

He was on the younger side of middle aged, looked clean and clean shaven, and made the impression of being smart and surprisingly well off for someone who chose to burgle homes at night. He was wearing a clean sweater that looked good on him. He seemed fit, not athletic, but slim and healthy looking - like he took care of himself.

He was clearly here just looking for valuables: a burglar. He was very surprised to see me. He stopped and stared at me in shock, and said something like "What the heck? This has never happened before." He was clearly unprepared to face an awake inhabitant of the house. He did not seem aggressive, and just seemed to be thinking of what to say and do next.

Meanwhile I was terrified. I realized I expected that he would rape me. Next thing I know I am lying on my back on the floor with my knees up, even though I had been standing a moment ago, and the dream does not even bother to provide a transition. The burglar looks at me clearly confused and disturbed by my actions, as if he wanted to say "What are you doing woman?" He does not appear to have any intensions to rape me. he appears to be a cultured gentleman burglar.

This however does not diminish my fear. Next thing I know I wake up still horrified.

Side note: Why I had this dream: On DV some woman questioned why do rape victims make such a big deal out of it - a statement which kind of shocked me. Then on Facebook a friend of mine posted an interesting article about a professor teaching high school kids how not to rape, an article I read last evening, and someone else also posted a rape related comment because of News of course.

Upon waking part of me wondered whether the reason why I assumed the position was because part of me wanted to be raped in my dream. But no, I don't think so, my reaction was definitely sheer fear not any anticipation. I assumed the position in my dream because of the simple expectations cause effect in dreams.

Reassuringly enough my burglar's personality was such that I believe I was in no danger of actually being raped, even if I had not woken up. He seemed to be evaluating my reaction, and judging me to be a very confusing and ridiculous woman. So it was all in my head. My DC was not actually threatening, despite the potentially dangerous situation. Maybe given his personality I should not have expected him to try to rape me, but rather expected him to invite me to sit down with him at the table and calmly discuss the consequences: whether he could persuade me to please not call the police.

On another note: this was a very vivid dream. I think the vividness was enhanced by and also helped cause the intense emotions.