Thread: Apparently Inevitable For Me To Have Children?

I have a problem. (And be prepared for a long rant. This ain't gonna be pretty.)

See, I really don't want to have my own kids when I'm older (no offence to the people that have or want them; I don't mind them!). I'm 18 and I've been really set on this idea for years. I never really took interest in toy baby dolls when I was a kid. But suddenly, even though I'm only 18, there is slight pressure on me. I'm expected to find a man and get married, and then have kids.

I've heard of people saying that it isn't normal for someone to not want kids and that it's just a 'phase' or that I just need to 'grow up'. I'm probably going to be really set on this idea because I have a fear of childbirth, of carrying a child in my fucking womb for nine months only to pop it out, and then take care of it. I'm not too fond of babies, I'm not tolerant to loud noise and I'm really immature, meaning I wouldn't be fit for a mother.

Thing is that even though everyone expects me to find a man, have babies and raise them, I'm an asexual. I'm not interested in sex at all. People, once again, say that it's a 'phase'. "But everyone has/loves sex!" No. Just no. No fucking thank you. I'm not having sex and I'm not having a child. People look at me strangely when I say that. Is it because I have female reproductive organs and that I'm expected to have a child because I'm a woman? Do I not have a say in the matter? When people say, "You will have kids," I feel like screaming. No one knows my heart better than me so they shouldn't tell me what I should do.

Now, here's my main problem: telling my parents. My mum loves to talk about how she will eventually have grandchildren. Even though I have a brother who would suit the role of a father much better than I a mother, she just looks at me when she says it. I really want to tell her that I don't want to have kids at all, but I'm really scared that she'll get angry and not accept my choice. I feel so terrible but being a mother is not the life I want.

I'm just really stressed over this and it's probably gonna affect my recall a lot so I might stop lucid dreaming until I can feel better about all this. I just don't know what to do.

If you don't want to be a mother , then so be it! Don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do!! It's your own goddam life, and your in charge of it!! There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be a mother and not wanting to have kids!! It's not like the world needs more babies anyway!!
You're gonna have to tell them sooner or later, so do it now and get over with it!!

EDIT: Also, even IF it is a phase, there is nothing to be done until the phase is over. So, either way your right!

EDIT2: Maybe it's not wise to march right in to them and tell them the whole truth. Try to tell them in peices, you know, lay it on them bit by bit, but if there isn't much time left, then make the bits bigger. Whatever happens, be confident that you will end this the way you like! In the end, you are indipendant. As a matter of fact, this is not a phase that YOU are going through, but a phase YOUR PARENTS are going through! If they want grandchildren, then too bad! You are not going to ruin your life for that! Plus, you have your brother, so they will have grandchildren. Don't let them control you. So, as you can see, they have no right in any aspect of this issue. Don't worry, everything will turn out the way you want it to. Plus, it's YOUR body. Case closed. End of discusion. Have that confident, powerful and rightous attitude, and I'm sure you're confident, powerful and rightous too!

Hey, nobody is going to force you into having kids. You ultimately hold the decision in that regard. You may find that in the future you might want kids and if so, go ahead and have kids. If that day never comes, so be it. Your worth is not determined by whether or not you enjoy sex or how many children you have so you should not worry about what other people think about you not having children. You only get one life so you might as well live it exactly how you want to, don't let anybody else try and pressure you into anything.

Your mum will understand. Tell her exactly what you've just said here and explain it to her in a simple way. I know many members of the older generation don't understand "complex" things like asexuality but if she truly cares for you, she won't even be phased. Sure, she might be a little bit disappointed that she won't be having grandchildren from you but what's the feeling of disappointment compared to a lifetime of regret that you will experience if you have children when you don't want them?

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard Baruch

As if having kids is the only goal we humans live for. I do want to point a sense of doubt your way. Are you absolutely sure you never want to have children? Would you not want a love relationship?

Maybe you are very much in tune with your sexuality and I think your own sexuality might express itself to you given the right circumstances. Only then can you think about having babies. No sex, no babies. If one decides to have babies, i think it should be born out of love. Not because it is just 'so' and the status quo tells us to do so.

Definitely agree with LouiaB though, get ur mom used to the idea before confronting head-on. It's probably best to avoid needless conflict with your parents. I certainly avoid heavy discussions with my dad. I make my own decisions, sometimes they are just not in line with my parents.

I've heard of people saying that it isn't normal for someone to not want kids and that it's just a 'phase' or that I just need to 'grow up'.

normal is boring. your better off being a unique individual. more freedom that way.

i'm 30 and my family still ask me "when are you going to get married and have kids?" i tell them "probably never."

I don't want to have children either. You don't even have to tell her if you don't want, just live your life the way you want and they'll get used to whatever you do or do not do. With time it won't be a shock factor anymore. You don't owe a lifestyle to anyone but the one you want for yourself. I'm 22 and I still really rather ride my scooter at the skate park than make babies...

Originally Posted by AstralMango

I have a problem. (And be prepared for a long rant. This ain't gonna be pretty.)

See, I really don't want to have my own kids when I'm older (no offence to the people that have or want them; I don't mind them!). I'm 18 and I've been really set on this idea for years. I never really took interest in toy baby dolls when I was a kid. But suddenly, even though I'm only 18, there is slight pressure on me. I'm expected to find a man and get married, and then have kids.

I've heard of people saying that it isn't normal for someone to not want kids and that it's just a 'phase' or that I just need to 'grow up'. I'm probably going to be really set on this idea because I have a fear of childbirth, of carrying a child in my fucking womb for nine months only to pop it out, and then take care of it. I'm not too fond of babies, I'm not tolerant to loud noise and I'm really immature, meaning I wouldn't be fit for a mother.

Thing is that even though everyone expects me to find a man, have babies and raise them, I'm an asexual. I'm not interested in sex at all. People, once again, say that it's a 'phase'. "But everyone has/loves sex!" No. Just no. No fucking thank you. I'm not having sex and I'm not having a child. People look at me strangely when I say that. Is it because I have female reproductive organs and that I'm expected to have a child because I'm a woman? Do I not have a say in the matter? When people say, "You will have kids," I feel like screaming. No one knows my heart better than me so they shouldn't tell me what I should do.

Now, here's my main problem: telling my parents. My mum loves to talk about how she will eventually have grandchildren. Even though I have a brother who would suit the role of a father much better than I a mother, she just looks at me when she says it. I really want to tell her that I don't want to have kids at all, but I'm really scared that she'll get angry and not accept my choice. I feel so terrible but being a mother is not the life I want.

I'm just really stressed over this and it's probably gonna affect my recall a lot so I might stop lucid dreaming until I can feel better about all this. I just don't know what to do.

They say it's a phase. I doubt it is, but really nobody can know if it is or not. But anyway. Even if it is a phase, they should let you have your phase. You need to grow up? Of course, but you'll do so at your own pace and in your own way. You don't need to have this idea that you never want children, but if you don't want to now then that should be fine. The people you refer to sound like they're being huge assholes about this, actually. But it might be easier for them to take if you, instead of saying "I don't want to have kids when I'm older", just say that you're not currently planning on it. Sure you might change your mind when you're 21, 25 or 30 or whatever, but we'll have to see about that.

EDIT: The "It's a phase" card has been played on me quite a lot, too. Thinking about it now, I'm not even sure what it's supposed to accomplish? If it is, then alright, fine, seeya when the phase ends then we'll talk. If not, then what. I think it is more likely just a convoluted and subtle way to say "No, you're wrong, just you wait. You'll see." - it's an easy way to 'win' an argument by postponing it indefinitely into the future.

You are entirely normal. There are a ton of people who don't want children, that is why the birthrate is dropping in all modern countries. Having children, especially when you are younger and not well established financially can be devastating and force you into a life of poverty. Don't let anyone tell you that you have to have children. Some people think that humans are only on earth to work jobs and have children. That is ridiculous though. Your life is what you make it, and you can do anything you want with it. There is no set goal to life, you are free to decide on your own.

Plus there is already overpopulation problems. It isn't like humans are going to die out because you didn't have child. Also there is no real need to spread your genetic material into the future. If you think of how many people are related, your genes will get passed down no matter what happens to you. If you don't have a child your brother might, if he doesn't a cousin might. Someone in your family will, and if you go back like 4 or 5 generations, you could have hundreds of relatives you don't even know about.

Personally, I have decided that I wanted to wait until I am 100 years old before I have children. I have decided that by that time they should have sufficient technology available to make me live healthy forever, and technology to make having children easy. If they don't, then oh well. I am cool with never having children. I think by then I might be ready when I am 100.

I don't think you need to worry so much. I don't know how your mother is but if you tell her you don't want children she will probably think it is just a phase and that you might change your mind when you are older. You might, but I have not changed my mind about having children and now I am 30. I know people in their 50's who don't have children and they say they don't want children. I had a teacher in college once who was married, and his wife and him agreed that they would never have children because they didn't want to raise a children in the world as it was today.

The statics all show that people are having less and less children. The US population would actually be dropping right now if it wasn't for immigrants moving to the country. Which means out of the people born here, we are not having enough children to replace people who die. The world population is 7 billion at the moment. The world population could fall for the next 1000 years because people don't want children, and it isn't going to hurt the human race any.

Just ignore those people telling you that crazy stuff. The only valid reason to have a child is because you want one. If you don't want one, don't have one. Why do you think birth control exits? Because people don't want children.

Instead of giving yourself a "problem"..

Give yourself a direction to go with your life

Then you can then share that direction with them...



If grandchildren, and a family of your own, is important to them..

Be compassionate..

Leave the door for that open for "them" on those things



Simply tell them that right now is not the time for you

Perhaps later as your life unfolds..





Be strong for yourself, but be kind and compassionate for them...

Whilst I agree with everyone else here, I do want to point out that you are yet young. Sure, 18 is legally considered "adult", but you'll continue to grow mentally and psycologically for many years more. I wouldn't even consider 18 to be an age where one should want to have kids. More like mid- to late-20s.

Originally Posted by AstralMango

Now, here's my main problem: telling my parents. My mum loves to talk about how she will eventually have grandchildren. Even though I have a brother who would suit the role of a father much better than I a mother, she just looks at me when she says it. I really want to tell her that I don't want to have kids at all, but I'm really scared that she'll get angry and not accept my choice. I feel so terrible but being a mother is not the life I want.

I can understand, telling parents these difficult things can be completely terrifying. On one hand, you want the burden to be lifted off your shoulders but on the other hand you don't want them to get angry, upset, and any other consequences. I think you should just do it, tell her. I went through a similar experience where I had to tell my dad something but I really didn't want him to get angry and upset and maybe even never speak to me again. But eventually I realized that this constant burden of stress and anxiety was far worse than those few minutes of terror in telling him. And when I did finally tell him, it was almost orgasmic (not sexual), that feeling of no longer having to worry about it anymore even though he was screaming at me and he was completely red in the face. I felt like I was walking on air, it was so wonderful to be free of the worry at last and I really want that for you. What I did to finally tell him was I gave myself 10 seconds of no fear like it was a dream and I could just turn off fear and then I would deal with whatever happened afterwards and during those 10 seconds I told him. Even though he was furious for a bit of time, the openness made us closer after awhile and it made our relationship stronger because I no longer had to keep this secret from him.

True. when you face a parent with a truth, they won't hate you forever. My parents are divorced, and my dad is unemployed. We always fight. I would be like:"here are 3 jobs, call them", and he would be like:"All these are fake, not real jobs". Really? We also fight about lots of things, but we never stopped talking with each other. If you are doing something that you have the right to do, they won't get mad, even if they yell or shout or whatever, but they will never stop loving you if you are defending what you can rightfully do.

Originally Posted by AstralMango

Now, here's my main problem: telling my parents.

I'm trying to wrap my head around what you've said here, but I just can't...Where I come from, an 18 year old girl is expected to not want children. In fact, the average 18 year old girl would be nervous about telling her parents that she's pregnant or planning to get pregnant. THAT would be a cause for anxiety, not the opposite.

I think you might be a little over-sensitive about this whole thing. Fact is, neither you nor anyone else can speak intelligently about what you will want to do 10 years hence. I highly doubt that the people who say "it's just a phase" actually mean anything by it. You're just reading into it.

Originally Posted by cmind

I'm trying to wrap my head around what you've said here, but I just can't...Where I come from, an 18 year old girl is expected to not want children. In fact, the average 18 year old girl would be nervous about telling her parents that she's pregnant or planning to get pregnant. THAT would be a cause for anxiety, not the opposite.

I was actually thinking that too. Mind telling us where you're from, AstralMango?

I think you might be a little over-sensitive about this whole thing. Fact is, neither you nor anyone else can speak intelligently about what you will want to do 10 years hence. I highly doubt that the people who say "it's just a phase" actually mean anything by it. You're just reading into it.

This might be true as well. I don't plan on having kids either, but I'm only 16, so it's not really a decision I have to make any time soon. And I'm not even dead-set on it anyway.

That said, she also said she's asexual, and people bother her about that too, and I would think that's much less likely to be "just a phase".

That's how it is in Utah. If you aren't a parent by your early 20s then you're an exception.

In life, each of us must learn how to pursue what we want rather than what others want for us. This is usually a slow, frightening and difficult process. You'll get through it.

Not having a family is better for LDing life, but one tends to get lonely, even with friends around

Biological maternal desires will probably kick in on their own eventually. Take your time, there's no need to rush it, and whatever you do, never give into the pressure of what others want for you.

The point of your life is not to fulfill everyone else's wishes. You can do what you want, and if they aren't totally thrilled with it, that's too damn bad. It's your life, not theirs.

Think that's hard? Trying telling parents, who are completely unprepared for you to have children, that you were about to have a child while you were 17. That's what I had to do, back when I was 17.

Was it pleasant? No. Was it awkward? Hell yes. But guess what; it happened; it was made public, and my parents had the choice to either accept it or not.

That is pretty much the same situation you are faced with. Despite how much they may want them to, your parents' desires don't dictate your life. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, at 18. There is nothing wrong with never wanting to have children. Nobody is obligated to have children, but realizing this takes growth on your part, as well. You have to be willing to accept the fact that not everything you do is going to please your parents. That is all a part of becoming an adult. It may be hard. It may be awkward as f'ck, but it is territory that you must explore and become comfortable with, in order to fully become your own person.

Originally Posted by Oneironaut Zero

Think that's hard? Trying telling parents, who are completely unprepared for you to have children, that you were about to have a child while you were 17. That's what I had to do, back when I was 17.

Was it pleasant? No. Was it awkward? Hell yes. But guess what; it happened; it was made public, and my parents had the choice to either accept it or not.

That is pretty much the same situation you are faced with. Despite how much they may want them to, your parents' desires don't dictate your life. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, at 18. There is nothing wrong with never wanting to have children. Nobody is obligated to have children, but realizing this takes growth on your part, as well. You have to be willing to accept the fact that not everything you do is going to please your parents. That is all a part of becoming an adult. It may be hard. It may be awkward as f'ck, but it is territory that you must explore and become comfortable with, in order to fully become your own person.

If there is one thing we can be certain of, it is that you would be an great father. Your insight and open-mindedness have always been evident. I hope that your parents eventually came to bear this same opinion.

Maybe one thing has up to now not been contributed - I am a woman, 40, married but happily childless - never wanted children - still don't.
And no - I do really, really not regret it - no matter the "biological clock" business.

Only thing important is that your partner agrees with you on the choice.
My parents find it sad - but they eventually got used to it.
I understand the sentiment - they are hoping for a second round on the cuddly little beauties to watch grow and learn - but my life is not for satisfying them - it's mine to chose what I do with.
Got only one after all!
Heads up - even if you "stay like that" - you are perfectly fine..

Originally Posted by StephL

Maybe one thing has up to now not been contributed - I am a woman, 40, married but happily childless - never wanted children - still don't.
And no - I do really, really not regret it - no matter the "biological clock" business.

Only thing important is that your partner agrees with you on the choice.
My parents find it sad - but they eventually got used to it.
I understand the sentiment - they are hoping for a second round on the cuddly little beauties to watch grow and learn - but my life is not for satisfying them - it's mine to chose what I do with.
Got only one after all!
Heads up - even if you "stay like that" - you are perfectly fine..

I feel like I don't want children too. Always liked kittens and puppies, but never babies(I don't think they are so cute)
Still, It is hard to find a parten in my community that doesn't want to have children؛‎ European young ladies, the king is comin'!
I do want to get married, but it seems not so helpful to have someone next to you all night(aaaaa she'll ruin my WILD!). Also, I don't wanna live alone, I need to socialize a lot(I can't help it, it's in my Lebanese blood!), so I'm not sure now.

It took a little while, but they did. And thanks, man.

I actually freaking love babies. I think they and kittens are the two most adorable things in existence. Okay, they and anime girls, but that's not the point.

I can't stand to see an infant upset or hurt; I start wanting to help it however I can. I think I posess a strong paternal instinct or something.

However, my siblings (my 8- and 9-year-old ones, not my baby brother) are annoying as fuck, especially my sister. I'm worried that my kids might be like that. And then come the teenage years, augh...!

Plus, they could be born with defects or something. Not to mention that I'd hate to put my hypothetical wife through the excruciating pain of childbirth in the first place (I suppose C-section is always an option, though; or adoption).

Originally Posted by TimeDragon97

I actually freaking love babies. I think they and kittens are the two most adorable things in existence. Okay, they and anime girls, but that's not the point.

I can't stand to see an infant upset or hurt; I start wanting to help it however I can. I think I posess a strong paternal instinct or something.

However, my siblings (my 8- and 9-year-old ones, not my baby brother) are annoying as fuck, especially my sister. I'm worried that my kids might be like that. And then come the teenage years, augh...!

Plus, they could be born with defects or something. Not to mention that I'd hate to put my hypothetical wife through the excruciating pain of childbirth in the first place (I suppose C-section is always an option, though; or adoption).

Funny, I'm the opposite way. I think babies are pretty disgusting to look at, not cute in the slightest (I do find puppies cute), they're little bags of disease, and they're annoying as fuck. Older kids are way more fun because you can actually talk to them and have extremely interesting conversations. They're even more interesting than adults because they often aren't as brainwashed.