Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I hear you tropical breeze, it just gets wicked hot and humid here, totally kills my motivation

BUT, and this is for you too Phion, I figured out how to prop my netbook on the treadmill. It takes me roughly an hour a day to read and reply to all the DVA Intro workbooks, and I find time flies on the treadmill when I'm also doing something that I like. That or watching cooking shows.

I'm glad it helped Dianeva. I used to live in a hot bath whenever my gallbladder was flaring terribly. It was the only thing that helped. I'd fall asleep in hot water, wake up when it got cold, drain some then run the hot water again lol

I have had a very crazy day. My mom called and gave me my brothers cellphone number and told me to call him sometime. But I felt like major crap and didn't plan on talking to him at all today. About an hour later, mom called back and asked me to pick up my brother and take him to the hospital. His ex-girlfriend had their baby 3 weeks early.
Ugh... So I was on the road for almost an hour to pick him up, then 30 minutes to get to the hospital. My brother was planning on taking a bus back to Florida, before he got the call that the baby had been born. Now he doesn't know what to do. Florence (the ex) cut him out of her life months ago.

We got to the hospital and asked about Florence and the nurse said she didn't have anyone registered under that name... but if a person wants to be placed on the No Contact list, she couldn't say one way or the other. Harold (my bro) asked the Nurse if she'd at least give Florence the baby blanket and the nurse said she would lol. Then we asked her to contact Florence and ask her if I could see her, but she said she couldn't because she couldn't even confirm if Florence was there

We started leaving, pissed off about everything and we ran into Florence's youngest sister on the way out the door. They almost didn't let Lorraine back even though she helped deliver the baby (it was a fast delivery)

When I went through the door, the first thing she asked was where Harold was so he joined us. She didn't even know he had gotten out of jail.
I was there for 5 hours. The baby was in an incubator and on oxygen so I didn't even get to see her until 15 minutes before I left.

Hubby called right before they brought the baby back and asked where the heck I was. It was supposed to be a short visit lol

Guess what she named her daughter.... Jaylyn Alexis I always said, if I had another daughter, I would name her Zhaylin. But now.... the names would be much too similar

As I held the baby, a very old anxiety surged. I can't stand up while holding a baby. I couldn't even do so with my 4. When I do, I'm bombarded by the sound of a skull cracking against a hard floor. I'm terrified of dropping babies.
The second time I held her, I actually got dizzy. I told myself to knock it off and it passed quickly. But, really, wth? I've been around a lot of babies throughout my life. I've never seen or heard one drop. I've never dropped one myself. Why the anxiety lol

I've become even more dissociated from myself than before. When I try to empathize or sympathize with people in waking life, it's always a battle of trying not to convince other sides of my self to exhibit qualities that would be disrespectful to the general public.

It's not that my life sucks or anything, it's going just fine, but because I feel like a different person at times, and it's not even being bipolar or whatever, it's just that I think too much on things, which makes even the most simple expressions such as treating someone with respect turned into rocket science.

I'm not saying that to say that I'm dumb, it's just that I can't help but to keep over-thinking things because there's just a part of me that wants a lot of introspection.

I can't even look at my father straight in the face or even the few friends I still have in waking life without questioning their existence, always questioning mine, always trying to find solace in some kind of personal conflict.

And even when I do motivate myself to try and be a bit more positive in life, it keeps dying off, and it gets tiring and sickening trying to motivate myself again, especially when I'm already too analytical of my behaviors.

This isn't some kind of teenage angst or whatever bullshit term people love to use to define someone. It's like I've been dissociating waking life, and with how I've seen my mind work in all of my dreams, I can pretty much say that I'm a complete disaster.

I think it's because I'm too open-minded, combined with insecurities with certain religious practices that were engrained in my mind as a child, and finding myself trying to refrain from holding on to those attachments, and then getting too scared to indulge in some other mentality without asking myself,

"What's the point in trying to experience as many perspectives as I can in life when I'm going to die anyway?"

Then combine that with beliefs in the afterlife, and I'm in a roller coaster of motivation and depression. I often try to be the shadow in waking life, just watching things happen, seeing people function, thinking so much, analyzing so much.

I've said that in those previous petty rants, but it's getting even worse. Let's just say that even if I do find some kind of enlightenment in life, it will die down, and I'll have to find something else to temporarily fuel myself to just convince myself to live for once instead of trying to be a shadow.

People will say that in time, our views will change, and we'll find people/something/someone that will motivate us to be alive for their own sake and future, but even with that, even when death is inevitable, the fact that we will never know if there's a chance that anything after this life is possible.....

Even if one does find enlightenment and the possibility of other realms than this one, how do we know if it's just us underestimating the potential our mind can fabricate for us to try and fill the gap of insecurities we have in life?

This isn't about not being able to get what I want, or not being able to learn something. This isn't about sociability, this isn't not finding a potential partner or anything like that. Those are just ways of fulfilling what our mortal body needs.

I don't even hate the world, I don't even hate anyone. Sure I'll have emotions that might trigger myself to feel a certain way to someone else, but it's not as if we can just be neutral towards every action coming towards us.

There isn't even any hatred for myself, it's just query after query, even when there's a plausible explanation, even with things like universal collective consciousness, shared dreaming, astral projection, frequencies, infinite possibilities, infinite realms, finite realms, finite possibilities, contradictions being inverted and then irrefutable, refuted, then repeating all over again.....

It's not even about how I interact with people, because people do not have anything to do with this. People are.....just.....whatever the hell they want to be.

Lol.

I just feel like I'm just there, just existing like any other human being coming from a mother's womb.

It's not that I don't have any self-esteem or anything like, it's just that even if you're sociable, have some competence in know what's right and wrong, having conflicting thoughts with your own mind, seeing it affect how you view the world and beyond, people, objects, etc.

There is no hatred or regressed behavior, it's just me letting my mind think freely, even when some thoughts skew my reality a bit too much to where I'm afraid to talk to a person without shifting to a different tone.

Even in my dreams, I'm afraid of what I am, I'm afraid of how people see me in my dreams. I think that there isn't really any point for me being some kind of construct in some other person's mind, like I'm some kind of little piece to whatever puzzle their subconscious is trying to get across.

Spiritual awakenings, enlightenment, mortality, infinity, eternity, forgetting the past, building a future, making bonds, knowing your limits and your strengths....all those higher level thinking that we so desperately want to find some modicum of reasoning....some kind of rationalization.

Even if I find a person hates me, or thinks I'm this way, and hates how I'm this way,

I usually just shrug and think to myself that it really doesn't matter....I mean...there's really no point in worrying what people think about you, but of course, it's always going to be an issue because there are just some insecurities that must be expressed.......I think?

All of these thoughts just to add padding to the sugar-coating that life is what you make of it, or that you have define life to give it purpose...it all seems so condescending sometimes.

I've added too many extra adjectives, syntax, whatever fancy english rhetoric you want to believe in to imply basic meanings, but does it even matter? No one is going to die if I do that right? Unless you're OCD like there's no freaking limit.

Lol. That went off course.

Originally Posted by OpheliaBlue

I hear you tropical breeze, it just gets wicked hot and humid here, totally kills my motivation

BUT, and this is for you too Phion, I figured out how to prop my netbook on the treadmill. It takes me roughly an hour a day to read and reply to all the DVA Intro workbooks, and I find time flies on the treadmill when I'm also doing something that I like. That or watching cooking shows.

That's a pretty good idea, except I don't have a treadmill, and my notebook can't connect to the internet.

I hardly leave my apartment anymore because I have no car... My exercise consists of jogging around the block a couple times maybe and some push ups and stretching next to my computer chair. Sometimes I'll stand up for a few hours while I use the computer just to be on my feet. What I should do is start taking the bus to the gym.

C'est la vie.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Fixed. It's not so bad anymore, I'm smoking anyway so it's fading into the background. >w<

Ah, yeah, that'd work. Weed is such a nice product, quelling nausea and increasing your appetite, enabling you to get the food and drink you need. I wish I'd had it available for every hangover.

I WANT ACCESS!1

Diarrhoea again after approximately one week had passed. But it's better than the previous and I treat it as a good sign that the interval between is at least a week long!

AND IT'S FREAKING RAINING NOW!!!!

28 degree Celsius now though.

Originally Posted by Carrot

Diarrhoea again after approximately one week had passed. But it's better than the previous and I treat it as a good sign that the interval between is at least a week long!

I wish it would rain here.

Areas north of here got 1 to 3 inches of rain the other day.

It keeps getting dark, and even cools off a little under the clouds...but it never rains.

Back on Monday the forecast suggested we might get up to 1.5 inches of rain by tonight.

Today it shows us maybe getting a tenth of an inch by Sunday...and even that isn't likely as we haven't had a drop all week long.

And the kids are bored and hungry ALL THE TIME!


Curse you, summer!

I'm just sitting there on my computer, minding my own business, and I see something floating in front of my face. I was like "oh, a fly," and brushed it away. But then it lande and I got a closer look. It was a freaking spider. I have arachnophobia, so I'm scared to even go over there now, haha. Then I realized that it might have been on me and now I'm scared if it still is or not. :O

Mehhhhh.

Edit:
OMG OMG it made a web in the corner. D:

Originally Posted by Taffy

I'm just sitting there on my computer, minding my own business, and I see something floating in front of my face. I was like "oh, a fly," and brushed it away. But then it lande and I got a closer look. It was a freaking spider. I have arachnophobia, so I'm scared to even go over there now, haha. Then I realized that it might have been on me and now I'm scared if it still is or not. :O

Mehhhhh.

Edit:
OMG OMG it made a web in the corner. D:

Sounds like you need fire, and lots of it!

Spiders are good! They eat other icky bugs.

I don't mind them as long as they stay in certain areas.


(holding back so much, don't want to say things to make you feel icky)

Originally Posted by melanieb

Spiders are good! They eat other icky bugs.

I don't mind them as long as they stay in certain areas.


(holding back so much, don't want to say things to make you feel icky)

Same, they can build their webs. But if they touch my computer, it's lights out for mister 8 legs.

Originally Posted by OldSparta

Same, they can build their webs. But if they touch my computer, it's lights out for mister 8 legs.

If there are spiders in my house, I move them out. If there are spiders on me, I take them out.

Originally Posted by melanieb

Spiders are good! They eat other icky bugs.

I don't mind them as long as they stay in certain areas.


(holding back so much, don't want to say things to make you feel icky)

Thanks.

And I know they're good, they're just... I don't know.

It's a tad irritating when people tell me these things in response to me telling them I'm afraid of spiders:

"it's okay, they can't hurt you"
"what? but those aren't even spiders" (in response to daddy-long-legs, crane flies, etc.)

It's clear they don't understand what arachnophobia is. I fear spiders because of their long legs, the way their legs are aligned, the way they move, the general way their bodies look. I guess it's indescribable to someone who doesn't experience it, but it's an automatic reaction, a squirmy feeling that can turn to complete horror if the spider is big and close enough. The reaction is biological and I'm pretty sure it's genetic. 11-18% of males and 50-54% of females have it. It has nothing to do with fearing that they're going to bite me or hurt me otherwise. And if something looks exactly like a spider, has 8 long legs and moves like a spider, I'm still going to get the same reaction, no matter what biological Order they're in. Sure, crane flies have 6 legs, but I'm still terrified of them because to me they're like flying spiders.

This has been bothering me for a while so I thought I'd get it out.... lol . This isn't a response to anyone in the thread, but the topic reminded me of it.

I think I read somewhere that an inclination toward phobias in general is genetic.

I was horribly scared of water as a child, and my shrink recommended implosion therapy to my mom. She did it and it worked. Same thing happened with my son, he was terrified of it from day one. I didn't do the implosion thing, but I kept at it with him, and now he loves the water.

I'm not saying people with arachnophobia need implosion therapy by any means, I was just expanding on the genetic thing. Of course I think it IS necessary to be able to swim. I'm sooooo glad that my son and i can swim, especially him. It's nice to know I don't have to worry about him accidentally falling and drowning in someone's pool.

Rant: I had a psychiatrist when I was 5 wtf. That what happens when your parents are shrinks.

I so totally get you, Dianeva.

I feel exactly the same way about ants. I don't mean one ant or even a dozen ants, unless they're on me. I mean hundreds and thousands of ants, like what is sometimes shown on nature shows in the rain forest or travel shows when they want the host to get a feel for the jungle. The swarms of ants constantly moving and crawling over anything that gets in their path...that freaks me out. I literally turn the channel when I see this, afraid that if I watch I will bring the ants into one of my dreams.

This connects to my childhood where the schoolyard was plagued with red harvester ant colonies, easily detected by a bare spot on the ground(up to six feet wide) with visible trails leading from it as far as fifty feet in any direction. They would leave a red mark the size of a compact disc on your leg if they had enough time to give you a good sting.




Now we just have the red imported fire ants. They're tiny by comparison, and their sting isn't nearly as strong.

I have that reaction to roaches. So my shrink recommended I watch Joe's Apartment. Oh. My. God. I felt like barfing throughout the whole show. I was cringing and somewhere in between grimacing and smiling lol. But I watched it all and didn't even have any bad dreams from it
But if I saw one IRL, I'd still freak the heck out!!

Link and Carrot.

I'm ranting because- once again- I'm feeling creative and I want to express my feelings to my daughters. I had a difficult conversation with my youngest last night because she finally called me out on letting her brother continue to live with me. And then she got defensive and thought I was implying it was her fault he got handsy with her. No. I don't blame her. But he's still my son. If they weren't both high off their asses it never would have happened. It's not an excuse. It's not blame-placing. It's a fact.
I've told her for years (sad isn't it, considering she's not even 16 yet) that she needs to stay away from drugs and alcohol and to choose her actions wisely. This isn't the first time someone took advantage of her.
I know I'll probably get flamed and shamed for this, but it's kind of like a prostitute being surprised when someone rapes her. No, it doesn't make it right but it does make a person vulnerable. Why put yourself in that position.

Ugh... I got off track.
Anyhow... picture a heart within a heart. A poem is written in the center heart. I then turn them into "broken hearts" and give my daughters each half. The outer heart is mine. The poem is only complete when we're together and my heart is broken when we're apart.
My daughters would love it.
But I can't freagin write a poem to save my life

**EDIT**
No. I'm not finished ranting lol.
I'm annoyed with my hubby. Hubby took his daughter and I out for lunch earlier and as she drove, I retold yesterdays story. I told myself before I left that I wouldn't because it would only piss hubby off. But could I keep my mouth shut? Of course not
As I was telling it, he said "I thought you weren't supposed to have anything to do with him [my brother]". I replied "I'm not supposed to let him mooch off me". Diana replied "Family... you have to put up with them sometimes" to pacify him but I could feel his annoyance with me which makes me annoyed.

I tell myself to be more understanding. What men seem to want, more than anything, is to know they're respected. He's told me numerous times how being with my brother makes him feel since he robbed hubby. Even if he doesn't say so in so many words, he feels disrespected when I continue to have a relationship with my brother.

Women need to feel loved. I feel he doesn't love me when he asks me, in a sense, to disown my brother. I feel it's unfair and that he shouldn't require such a thing from me. Logically, I know all this. But it still gets on my last nerve. I respect my hubby by not bringing my brother around; by not spending time with him. But a birth in the family should be an exception. Emotionally, I don't understand why he can't see that.

Then I mentioned that we needed to buy a mattress this weekend and I could feel his annoyance swell again. So screw it. I'll sleep on the door. I can't afford to buy an air mattress and I'm mostly content sleeping even on the floor. But, I used the door to slant my mattress which is even better because I'm not directly on the floor which irritates my allergies.
But it makes me feel like he doesn't love me. He's a doctor, yet I'm sleeping on a door

Spiders, any kinds of insects or bugs SHOULD BE ANNIHILATED!

I can't stand any of them, especially when they touch my skin or hair or just get on my clothes... i'll just start flapping all around with my arms until i'm sure they are gone... ugh...

Lol, bugs definitely startle me at first, but they're an unfortunate annoyance if you like to go hiking or anything like that. After I get over the creeped out startled phase and I know I'm safe I try to come to terms with their existence by observing, and if I can, appreciate anything about them (their patterns, biology, etc.) and try to see beyond my natural aversion since I know they're not just gonna disappear lol

I am pissed I have to go see Prometheus in 3D in a half an hour. I want to see it in 2D.

God I hate that my friend made me go see a 3D movie a few weeks ago.

Originally Posted by Phion

That's a pretty good idea, except I don't have a treadmill, and my notebook can't connect to the internet.

I hardly leave my apartment anymore because I have no car... My exercise consists of jogging around the block a couple times maybe and some push ups and stretching next to my computer chair. Sometimes I'll stand up for a few hours while I use the computer just to be on my feet. What I should do is start taking the bus to the gym.

C'est la vie.

Or, you could just walk to the gym and then you wouldn't have to pay for the gym

Originally Posted by OpheliaBlue

I hear you tropical breeze, it just gets wicked hot and humid here, totally kills my motivation

BUT, and this is for you too Phion, I figured out how to prop my netbook on the treadmill. It takes me roughly an hour a day to read and reply to all the DVA Intro workbooks, and I find time flies on the treadmill when I'm also doing something that I like. That or watching cooking shows.

I think most of the benefits of walking/running are gained from not focusing on anything for a while, breathing deeply etc. It's basically meditation.
Otherwise we'd get enough exercise and feel good just from walking as we do always during the day to wherever we're going.
So I don't know how beneficial it would be to also be talking on DV, but obviously better than just sitting on the computer
Although that's some skilled multi-tasking you've got going on there.