I've become even more dissociated from myself than before. When I try to empathize or sympathize with people in waking life, it's always a battle of trying not to convince other sides of my self to exhibit qualities that would be disrespectful to the general public.
It's not that my life sucks or anything, it's going just fine, but because I feel like a different person at times, and it's not even being bipolar or whatever, it's just that I think too much on things, which makes even the most simple expressions such as treating someone with respect turned into rocket science.
I'm not saying that to say that I'm dumb, it's just that I can't help but to keep over-thinking things because there's just a part of me that wants a lot of introspection.
I can't even look at my father straight in the face or even the few friends I still have in waking life without questioning their existence, always questioning mine, always trying to find solace in some kind of personal conflict.
And even when I do motivate myself to try and be a bit more positive in life, it keeps dying off, and it gets tiring and sickening trying to motivate myself again, especially when I'm already too analytical of my behaviors.
This isn't some kind of teenage angst or whatever bullshit term people love to use to define someone. It's like I've been dissociating waking life, and with how I've seen my mind work in all of my dreams, I can pretty much say that I'm a complete disaster.
I think it's because I'm too open-minded, combined with insecurities with certain religious practices that were engrained in my mind as a child, and finding myself trying to refrain from holding on to those attachments, and then getting too scared to indulge in some other mentality without asking myself,
"What's the point in trying to experience as many perspectives as I can in life when I'm going to die anyway?"
Then combine that with beliefs in the afterlife, and I'm in a roller coaster of motivation and depression. I often try to be the shadow in waking life, just watching things happen, seeing people function, thinking so much, analyzing so much.
I've said that in those previous petty rants, but it's getting even worse. Let's just say that even if I do find some kind of enlightenment in life, it will die down, and I'll have to find something else to temporarily fuel myself to just convince myself to live for once instead of trying to be a shadow.
People will say that in time, our views will change, and we'll find people/something/someone that will motivate us to be alive for their own sake and future, but even with that, even when death is inevitable, the fact that we will never know if there's a chance that anything after this life is possible.....
Even if one does find enlightenment and the possibility of other realms than this one, how do we know if it's just us underestimating the potential our mind can fabricate for us to try and fill the gap of insecurities we have in life?
This isn't about not being able to get what I want, or not being able to learn something. This isn't about sociability, this isn't not finding a potential partner or anything like that. Those are just ways of fulfilling what our mortal body needs.
I don't even hate the world, I don't even hate anyone. Sure I'll have emotions that might trigger myself to feel a certain way to someone else, but it's not as if we can just be neutral towards every action coming towards us.
There isn't even any hatred for myself, it's just query after query, even when there's a plausible explanation, even with things like universal collective consciousness, shared dreaming, astral projection, frequencies, infinite possibilities, infinite realms, finite realms, finite possibilities, contradictions being inverted and then irrefutable, refuted, then repeating all over again.....
It's not even about how I interact with people, because people do not have anything to do with this. People are.....just.....whatever the hell they want to be.
Lol.
I just feel like I'm just there, just existing like any other human being coming from a mother's womb.
It's not that I don't have any self-esteem or anything like, it's just that even if you're sociable, have some competence in know what's right and wrong, having conflicting thoughts with your own mind, seeing it affect how you view the world and beyond, people, objects, etc.
There is no hatred or regressed behavior, it's just me letting my mind think freely, even when some thoughts skew my reality a bit too much to where I'm afraid to talk to a person without shifting to a different tone.
Even in my dreams, I'm afraid of what I am, I'm afraid of how people see me in my dreams. I think that there isn't really any point for me being some kind of construct in some other person's mind, like I'm some kind of little piece to whatever puzzle their subconscious is trying to get across.
Spiritual awakenings, enlightenment, mortality, infinity, eternity, forgetting the past, building a future, making bonds, knowing your limits and your strengths....all those higher level thinking that we so desperately want to find some modicum of reasoning....some kind of rationalization.
Even if I find a person hates me, or thinks I'm this way, and hates how I'm this way,
I usually just shrug and think to myself that it really doesn't matter....I mean...there's really no point in worrying what people think about you, but of course, it's always going to be an issue because there are just some insecurities that must be expressed.......I think?
All of these thoughts just to add padding to the sugar-coating that life is what you make of it, or that you have define life to give it purpose...it all seems so condescending sometimes.
I've added too many extra adjectives, syntax, whatever fancy english rhetoric you want to believe in to imply basic meanings, but does it even matter? No one is going to die if I do that right? Unless you're OCD like there's no freaking limit.
Lol. That went off course.
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