Recent DJ Posts

01/08/13

Ratchet and Templars
I am in a strange place. I look around to see where I am. It looks like a futuristic city of some kind. There are cars flying in the air and robots intermingling with the people. Additionally, the people look like they are various races from various planets. I look around and watch the variety of people and robots, completely disoriented and confused. I turn around and start walking in a direction I feel drawn in. As I do so I almost trip over a smaller robot that happens to be standing right behind me. Oops… I look down at the robot and absently apologize and say excuse me. The robot is about two feet tall and has glowing green eyes.

The robot speaks, he says not to worry about it in a pleasant voice. I am still feeling disoriented, so I turn around to walk away from the robot and walk into someone else. I curse silently at myself that I really need to watch where I'm going. This time I have walked into an alien, though I guess I am not really certain that he is the alien… maybe on this planet I am the alien. The alien is covered in fur and has large pointed ears. He stands a bit shorter than me, probably about five feet tall. Some of his facial features look a bit cat-like, though his eyes are more human like, a bit larger than normal compared to the size of his face, and they are green. He is looking at me with a rather surprised look on his face. He says to watch where I'm going, but doesn't really sound upset. I tell him I'm sorry and then head off to my left after making sure I'm not about to walk into anyone else. I have been waiting for my head to clear, but it has in fact gotten worse. I have quite a headache, so I sit down up against a light pole not far off. I close my eyes and lean back against the pole. I wait a couple minutes for my head to clear, which starts happening. I hear footsteps in front of me and then I hear the voice of the robot from earlier. He says excuse me, then asks if I am ok. He says he couldn't help but notice my vital signs are not normal. I open my eyes and see the small robot looking at me, the covers on his eyes like eyelids give him a concerned expression. Somewhere in my mind I am becoming lucid, and my spontaneous response is that nothing about me is normal… but thanks, I'll be fine. The alien I walked into earlier comes up behind the robot and asks what is going on, he calls the robot Clank. Now I can see he has a rather long tail with a tuft at the end of it and is colored like an orange tabby cat. My head is clearer and now I am feeling more embarrassed than disoriented. I pull myself to my feet, willing my head to stay clear. Now the place smells like a fart. A rancid fart. I look around and see the alien is also sniffing the air. He looks over at me and is apparently thinking the same thing, because he says it wasn't him, he thought it was me. People around us are now pointing up, screaming, and running around. The robot and the alien look up, I hear the alien ask what that is. I look up and see a space ship hovering over the city. The smell gets worse, causing me to feel light headed again. There is a blinding flash of light and then darkness.

I regain consciousness to find I am hanging upside down. I look up and see I am suspended by an energy tether. Hanging upside down has caused blood to flow to my head, and my mind is now clear. I look around and see there are others there with me. The first one I notice is a large, stupid looking guy dressed in green spandex… ugh… Qwark… from the Ratchet and Clank video game series. He has somehow become tangled up in his energy tether. He is hanging like a fish caught in a net. I can't help but laugh at that. On the other side of me is the alien from earlier… Ratchet… and the small robot from earlier… Clank. Qwark struggles pointlessly and ends up even more entangled. He announces that he is almost loose. I laugh again. He gives me a dirty look and asks what I'm laughing at. Apparently Ratchet has noticed Qwark and is not happy to see him. He is pissed off that Qwark is still alive when Ratchet claims to have blown him to pieces. Qwark says he cannot die. He adds that when he gets loose he'll be the one to get out of there, while Ratchet and his little trash can will be stuck there. He wiggles some more and then ends up with his face practically up his own butt. I end up laughing more. He says he sees I can't take my eyes off of him… and he can't blame me considering how good looking he is. I think I might vomit now. He says we can get out of here together and go somewhere that we can be alone. I do vomit. Some gross dark reddish stuff splatters on the floor below. I wonder what the fuck I have been eating to puke up stuff that looks like that. It's moving. I can control it. Of course. It's biomass. My biomass. I am no longer human in the dream state, I am more like Alex Mercer… I am a virus.

Qwark has gone silent now and is looking at my vomited biomass with a grossed out look on his face. Ok… use the biomass. It forms a tendril and reaches over to a control panel at the edge of the room. I use the tendril to operate the controls and deactivate the tethers. Ratchet falls on his face. Clank drops slowly using a rotor like a helicopter. Qwark lands right on his head with a loud crack and falls over, dazed. His face is still practically up his own ass. I land on my face. My biomass returns to me and I reabsorb it. Ratchet gets up quickly and pulls a huge wrench type thing from… um… I'm not sure where from… and charges at Qwark with it. He completely ignores Clank saying maybe we should find a way out of here first and starts pounding the shit out of Qwark. For the first few hits Qwark doesn't respond at all, perhaps still dazed from landing on his head. When he finally does respond, he responds like a total wuss and curls up into a ball. Ratchet is telling him to get up and fight back! Qwark says he would but he sprained an ankle in that fall. Maybe they should arrange a match later… I ignore that for a bit and then I notice there is quite a bit of blood. That strikes me as odd at first… there's no blood in the Ratchet and Clank games… But this isn't a game. Ratchet is still pounding on Qwark, maybe even harder than before, and there is blood spattering everywhere. Clank seems a bit stunned and is keeping his distance. Is Ratchet actually trying to kill the idiot? Maybe… but he doesn't stay a bad guy. He'll always be stupid, but not evil. For that to happen he has to stay in one piece.

So I stand up and use a tendril to pull Ratchet off of Qwark. Ratchet turns around and starts attacking my tendril. Qwark peeks out of his ball hesitantly. Ratchet sticks his wrench weapon somewhere, still not sure where… hammer space? Up his ass? Then he pulls a large gun out of the same nowhere. I see that just in time to use a second tendril to take it away before Ratchet blasts a huge hole in Qwark's face. Ratchet reaches for the gun but my tendril pulls it out of reach quickly. Qwark is trying to get up but he seems to be pretty badly hurt and collapses again. He says something about a maniac but I can't quite understand him. Ratchet is telling me to let go of him. I ignore him for now, trying to think what the situation is. I hear a clanking noise by my feet. I look over and see Ratchet smirking at me. There is an explosion that knocks me against the wall. I look back over at Ratchet and see him throw another bomb in my direction, I use biomass to surround it and contain the explosion. Instead of a big boom this one makes more of a pop crossed with a poof. Ratchet is clearly pissed at me and asks who I am and why am I working with Qwark. I tell him I'm not working with anyone, and if he would cut it out for just ten fucking minutes I could figure out what was going on. Something is clearly not right, and I would have to figure out what had happened BEFORE someone gets pounded into a bloody pulp or blasted to bits. Ratchet tries to pull away from my tendril for a bit and then finally reluctantly says he'll stop attacking Qwark… for now. My tendril releases him. I look at the gun in my other tendril for a bit, wondering again where Ratchet had kept it before taking it out. I decide maybe I don't want to know. I figure he probably has several more anyway, so I return it to its owner. He puts it away and just glares over at Qwark.

I watch Ratchet for a bit longer to be sure he is going to stick to his word, then back to figuring out what is going on. Apparently someone from outside the dimension has been screwing things up. Who would do that? The first name into my mind is Robert de Sable. Templars. They have tried to screw up other dimensions before. By killing random Altaïrs, passing out dark energy to people who can't handle it. And he would surely be watching. "ROBERT!" I call to him, "ROBERT DE SABLE! SHOW YOURSELF, YOU FLAKEY CHICKEN-WUSS!" I get no answer, though everyone there is now staring at me. Qwark has managed to move around a bit to position himself so that I am between him and Ratchet. I give him my best version of Vegeta's "That's pathetic." look. Clank asks who this Robert de Sable is. I tell him that Robert is the one I think is responsible for this. A Templar bastard that loves fucking things up in other dimensions for some unknown reason. Well, this should be easy enough to fix. Just send everyone back to where they belong, starting with Qwark, since his presence is the most likely to create issues… and I don't want to look at him. I focus on opening a portal to where Qwark should be. Nothing happens. Damn it! They're blocking portals, now I am completely convinced it is Robert. Why do Templars always have to do things the hard way?

Qwark says something quietly to me about needing nanotech. I ask what that is, then I remember it is for healing. I say I got something better… but he'd better not do anything stupid. It occurs to me that I am doing something stupid by expecting someone as stupid as Qwark to refrain from doing something stupid. So after reiterating that I don't want Qwark to do anything stupid (as if repeating it would help) I use some healing energy on him. That gets me a dirty look from Ratchet but nothing more. It gets a very interested look from Clank. I scan the area to see if I can find any sign of Robert. I can sense his energy in the area. I am locking in on it when I see Qwark is doing something stupid. He has moved around the outside edge of the circular room a bit. I'm not sure if he is trying to get behind Ratchet or trying to leave the room, neither one is ok. I use a tendril to put Qwark on a leash around his waist. He pulls at the tendril but my virus makes me stronger than him. I comment that I guess expecting him to refrain from doing something stupid is expecting way too much. There is a definite pause before he gives me a dirty look. Ratchet seems amused, though.

Back to scanning for Robert. Found him. I focus on teleporting him into the room. That works. Robert de Sable appears in front of me. He looks at me in an annoyed manner. He asks if I have to stick my nose in everywhere it doesn't belong. I tell him he is the one that needs to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. But there won't be any wasting time this time. Consume Robert and find out what the Templars are up to. I wrap tendrils all around Robert and prepare to consume him. But there is nothing there! Robert isn't really there, he is just an illusion! A hologram created from Robert's own energy frequency to make him initially look real. I ask if he is seriously too much of a pathetic chicken-wuss to come out and show himself. He says he knows perfectly well what I can do now, and he's not just going to let me do it. He says he is sorry he has to go so quickly, but he has other places to attend to. He says I can't be everywhere at once and then laughs before the image vanishes. I yell at him to come back here, you flakey jerk! But he is gone. Qwark says Robert must have been afraid to face him. It's a good thing I was holding him back or he would have showed that robber a thing or two. I repeat the name to Qwark… Not robber, Robert. Robert de Sable. And you might have killed him… he just might have died laughing. He looks at me blankly. I just roll my eyes.

With Robert gone, I try to open a portal. Still nothing. It looks like we'll have to get out of here the old fashion way. I access the computer. The good news is we're still in the right dimension. Different galaxy, but there is a wormhole within range that would get all of us back to Ratchet and the others' home galaxy. And there are ships docked in the landing bay that can make the trip since there's no way everyone can fit in my Fire Valkyrie. Well Ratchet and Clank would fit in the one extra seat… and I could always strap Qwark to the roof… my Penticon could surround him with a force field to keep him alive… I chuckle to myself, but that stops short when the dream seems to become unstable. Am I going to wake up now? Now isn't a good time for me to disappear. I have the idea that Qwark would ditch Ratchet and Clank behind if given the slightest chance, and Ratchet would blow Qwark to subatomic particles if he got his chance first… I focus and manage to stabilize the dream. I look around and see Ratchet is looking at me really strangely. He asks if I am ok, he said I turned transparent there for a bit. Clank says his sensors detected a dimensional anomaly, but it is gone now. Ok, well the other three can get home just fine using one of the ships in the docking bay. The only problem would be making sure they work together. I look between Qwark and Ratchet, I figure Clank would be reasonable about it. I know Qwark doesn't stay a bad guy throughout the series, he changes. So let's just make that happen a tiny bit sooner.

I focus on the song Touch My Heart to restore the spark inside Qwark to a flame, it isn't hard to do since it was intended to happen on its own anyhow. I think it's a good thing I can fix evil, now too bad I can't fix stupid. Usually a healing spell also affects the way others respond to the person I healed, but just to make sure I send some positive energy through Ratchet as well. Clank didn't seem to think anything about what I was doing to Qwark, but he wants to know what I am doing to Ratchet… I tell him it's a good thing, positive energy. Don't worry, it'll make him feel good. Clank watches closely, but doesn't say anything when he sees Ratchet has no negative reaction. Qwark looks disoriented, though. He is muttering something about helping Chairman Drek meant he hadn't become the hero he'd wanted to be, instead he'd been a villain… I comment if it means anything, I think he was more of a hindrance to Drek than a help. He seems to like that idea at first and then gives me a strange look.

I feel the dream slipping again, and I barely manage to stabilize it. Ratchet says it happened again, I almost disappeared. Clank says that was also when the dimensional anomaly returned. I tell him I know what is happening, it's no big deal, but I have to hurry. I have a computer chip in my head… and its going to download some files directly to Clank. Basically the location of the docking bay and how to get there while encountering as few of the aliens that own this ship as possible… I have a feeling they will be hostile when encountered. And also it contains the location of the wormhole back to their galaxy. It also has the location where they need to drop Qwark off to minimize the effect this mess has on the timeline. Clank seems to understand all of that just fine. Ratchet wants to know if I'm sure they can trust Qwark. I tell him I am a soul healer, I healed some negativity in Qwark's heart so yeah, he can be trusted to not be an asshole. I add that if I could only heal stupid then everything would be great. I am trying to think if there is anything else I need to do before I wake up, but then the dream becomes unstable again. This time I can't stop it… I wake up.