Recent DJ Posts

ahhh let's see

Dream
Imma just write down the fun part, which was that I was with my boyfriend and Super Smash Bros Melee player Mang0, doing some thing or other. My boyfriend was relaxing shirtless nearby, when Mang0 upended his bottle of ice cold water over my bf's chest. And my boyfriend just did not react at all. Ice cold water just running down his chest and soaking into his pants and he didn't even move. Mang0 was surprised like "Oh, I see why you like him now," and I was like "Right??" At which point my boyfriend was sort of getting flustered by this high praise. And then Mang0 got my boyfriend working on a website for him and I was like aw yeah, people I like are working together.

Which is weird for a couple reasons. First of all, in waking life if you upended a bottle of ice cold water anywhere NEAR my boyfriend's chest, he would launch away from it like a cat. Secondly, I didn't realize that I'm a Mang0 fan, and actually I still don't even know if I am, considering my brain attributed to him the unflattering action of dumping cold water all over someone with no regrets.

If my brain's sending me any kind of signal it's probably that I shouldn't treat my boyfriend like he's more unfeeling than he is. Or at least, I'm worried about doing that. Originally, it was something that I liked about him, because with my depression I didn't like the idea of getting close to someone I loved only for them to be dragged down by it. But I think that train of thought might've mutated into something more along the lines of "it's okay to disregard his feelings," which would be. Unpleasant. I mean, for someone like me who worries about screwing up and isn't always sure what will hurt people or why they feel the way they do, it would be a relief, but still. That sounds more like I'm treating him like a punching bag or a ragdoll.

Gotta keep learnin' about relationship stuff. I don't really know what I'm doing or the best way to love someone. I'm the kind of person who tries to approach emotion with hardcore analysis. I don't feel like I can rely on my feelings to guide me in anything, they seem too inconsistent. And I like the idea of rationally and deliberately choosing an approach that'll make my boyfriend feel more cared about. But sometimes it just seems too mechanical, somehow. It makes me feel like I don't know what my "genuine" actually is. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaanyway. Thoughts and feelings continue to be a complicated matter.

I don't feel very aware in my dreams, which bugs me because instead of encountering something weird and going "Oh, maybe this is a dream," I just accept it. Guess I should practice my reality checks. Probably something like "what if this right now is a dream?" and then giving everything a good hard look would help. And also being like "wait maybe this is a dream" and doing a reality check every time something weird happens.

ANYWAY.

Dream: "It's Not the Actual Her"
Dreamed that various relatives had gathered for whatever reason, which was fine by me except that one of them was my recently dead Granny. She seemed to be acting pretty normal, so it wasn't as if the doll-looking thing that served as her corpse in the viewing had been cruelly reanimated. It really was like she'd somehow come back to life. And I was like, what, this is impossible (because I do have SOME dream awareness, I guess). I said as much to my sister, who scoffed and said that of course it wasn't the actual Granny. And then something like, "It's like if they made another one of you. It wouldn't be the actual you." So then I was thinking, what, like a clone? They grew a clone of Granny in that little time and now it's here? They could make a clone of me? And I was just, like, confused. But I didn't think it was a dream. FOOLISH ME

Then there was a bit about Granny being casually psychic her whole life and not wanting the ability to go to waste, so sometimes she'd inform us of stuff she knew. Like, okay, to describe it more fully, I was in some building, and when I looked out one of the windows I saw a younger Granny driving her car and boasting of her never-wrong ability to just know things, viewed from the perspective of the front seat. So I was like yo, cool, if she's 100% psychic then maybe I'm like, 25% psychic?

Then I was in the 1319 house and saw these two black cats outside in the rain, so I let one in (the other was still away from the door for some reason) and got a towel to dry it off with. And it was very well-mannered about this, snuggling into the towel to make things easier, and I was like yo this cat's pretty smart. But again, even though I got this mental ping like "that's weird" it didn't translate into a reality check. I needa practice these things IWL aaaaa.

Eventually I let the other cat in and toweled him off as well, and it was pretty vivid. So that was cool. Tryna dry off these cats. Man, they were really soaked.

I woke up and I was like ehhh I could use more dreams, maybe I could WILD? And then I just fell back asleep like normal so whoops.

Dream: Chillin' with the Bae
Then I dreamed the bae and I actually lived within walking distance of each other, which I then got totally confused with waking life. I was like, dude, we live so close to each other, how come we don't hang out like this all the time? So I was a little confused. Also I was going to college, and although we didn't really go to the same college we'd walk to class together. It was super nice tho. Bein' able to hang out with him.

Ugh I am too lazy to remember much more, but there was some part where I think the bae and I went to some kinda welcoming seminar to welcome me back to college, and it was pretty hella boring. Oh right, and then I met Mang0 the melee player which was rad. He was super chill.

No lucidity but my dreams had some nice detail to them. Maybe I underestimate how vivid they already are?

Dream: AAAHHHH DREAMSIGNS
So my dreams weren't entirely interesting except for stuff like this:

My boyfriend and I were riding around on the Metro and he told me about how he'd once been sent to some kinda adolescent jail for stealing a handgun with a little bayonet on it (Borderlands 2!). There, they put him in cryosleep for a few months. In the dream I'd just learned about prison cryosleep, so I knew it involved the person being layered in some strange fluffy white substance by a big machine, sorta like a giant 3D printer, and then idk they cryoslept. So then I was seeing this happening to my boyfriend and I was like... bummer. But it really seems like something that would happen to him, I mean not the part where he stole something but the part where as usual bad things are happening to him so points to my dream for being realistic.

Then there was some Metro riding and at one point for whatever reason we got separated and then we reunited and it was great because reuniting with him is the best #longdistancerelationship.

Then I rode trains with my sister and it was pretty chill, except that I didn't really have a working Metro card so I kept having to try to dive through when my sister would swipe HER card and it worked out pretty well. Like, sometimes the Metro peeps would notice and sometimes they wouldn't, but either way they let me get away with it. But what sucked was that "doing things I shouldn't be doing" is a dreamsign for me, like, I should've been thinking "maybe it doesn't matter, is this a dream?" And like, I gotta practice having that reaction to things. In real life. I gotta be like, well, normally I wouldn't be able to steal this car and go for a joyride, but... is this a dream? And then do a reality check. Oh man I love that idea it's so stupid.

Then a Metro lady approached me while I was looking at the Metro map and talked all about what working at Metro was like and p much offered me a job on the spot because she liked me so much and THANKS BRAIN BUT WE'RE NOT WORRYING ABOUT THE JOBHUNT RIGHT NOW SO SHUT UP.

And then outside my sister and I met up with my mom and I found a baby squirrel on the ground and just snatched it right up like YUP I'LL BE TAKING THIS. Then it tried to bite me and I waited to see whether that would hurt but it turned out the baby squirrel had no teeth! Its dumb gummy face just slid right off my finger and I was like "This baby squirrel has no teeth!" 'cause I was so excited about being able to hold this thing without getting covered in bites. Grabbing up small harmless animals is another dreamsign so I need to remember to start doing reality checks when I'm snatching baby animals away from their homes and stuff. Ugh, so much work.