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Pre-Bed
3grams Fish Oil
5 MG Melatonin
1 cup Ginkgo Biloba Tea

Bed time 10:15PM
Alarm at 12:00AM
Move to recliner and do a few quick SSILD cycles before I past out.

#130 Regrets and Holidays - DILD - 1:44AM

I am working for my old boss P. She is next to me and I am printing out photos for her on the ID station printer. I keep asking, "Does this look OK?"

Then I am printing old photos of my mom and me when I was around two years old. Then I am with my dead grandma (nanny). I am looking at a live sized computer screen of a old Christmas tree. The background is solid blue and it looks like a bad photo shop job. I can see discoloration on the edges like it had been cut-and-pasted on the blue background.

Nanny is standing to my right wants a copy of that photo but I think it's too late. She tells me to just use the Christmas tree and do a new one. I see my toddler self and my mom posing in front of the tree. We look like a photo but we look we are really there. I say something to Nanny about it. Then I realize she is dead and become lucid. I start to become emotional but luckily the first thing I think of is the flower TOTM. I quickly reach behind my back and summon a rose. I don't feel it in my hand but pretend its there. When I bring it in front of me it looks like a normal red rose. Nanny wordlessly takes it. Then the emotion takes over me. I begin to cry and hug her. I feel mild pressure of her against me. I say to her. "I love you so much. I really miss you. I wished you weren't dead." I go on to say some other things but I forget now.

I guess because of the emotion I lose lucidity as my awareness gradually becomes a dim thought in my mind. I am suddenly in front of my Grandpa (Pawpaw) and I continue crying and talking. "I am really sorry that I did not call or visit you two before you died." He looks at me disinterested and shrugs a bit. I looks like he mouths something, "Ya." I think how I was a least hoping he was going to tell it was OK, not to worry, but he didn't seem to care. I feel really terrible.

Now, I am sitting at a Thanksgiving feast with my parents and my wife. I act as if nothing happened and feel completely happy. I assume my grandparents are going to join us but I don't see them anywhere. Instead of a Turkey there is a Turkey Pie. Actually, I see 2 pie and both are half eaten. I think there is not enough turkey for everyone. I hear my mom say, "I don't know but I better be getting my pie of turkey." Then I remember that my dad and I ate some earlier and I decide to pass on the Turkey Pie this round so there is enough for everyone.

I go back to sleep.

3:00AM no recall.

100MG Caffeine
2x Valerian Root

I am awakened by a noise at 3:30AM. I feel like I was just on the cusp of a lucid dream but I can't recall what it was. Couldn't go back to sleep after that.