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Morning of July 13, 2017. Thursday.



In the beginning of my dream, I somehow carelessly cut my left arm and my right hand on something. There is mild pain. I notice that the cut on my left arm is deep. It is along my left forearm, on the left side when my hand is downwards, and straight over nearly its entire length. Later, I rub on some sort of medicinal cream that is supposed to help seal the cut.

I eventually notice that my cut is dry but open. I can see another layer of skin underneath. There is not much pain anymore, but I am somewhat annoyed at having the cut.

At a later point, my entire left forearm opens up somewhat like a pouch (via the long cut) into a partly hollow space. There is no blood, but there does seem to be sections of tissue and “bone”. My view of it seems magnified, although the inside of it would actually have to be much bigger than in reality to contain what it does. I can still move it about normally. Curiously, I notice about four metal cables coming out from where my elbow would be, which are apparently connected to strips of muscle. I consider that maybe someone had changed my arm into a robotic arm without me knowing about it. There are also at least two glass and metal structures that are shaped like rectangular prisms, the metal strips along the edges and connecting at the vertices.

I find myself in a library (more as if the ambiguous setting suddenly rendered a library counter feature) and I ask a person at the counter to look at my arm. Two people, an unfamiliar male and an unfamiliar female, look at it and comment. According to what I hear after I ask them about what it is made of, it is apparently believed that my arm is normal and that a person’s arm actually does have metal cables and such inside yet is still an organic natural form. I am still puzzled.

Eventually, I start to notice objects within the hollow area closer to my elbow (though still in my forearm). I see about six 3.5" computer disks and about three cassette tapes. They have handwritten labels. I do not take them out. I also see a VHS tape. (Imagine trying to visualize a VHS tape inside your arm with a lot of room to spare, but this is somehow resolved in my dream self’s viewpoint.) I consider that the items may have been left there as some sort of record of the process that was used to change my arm into something robotic.

In the last scene, I go into a hospital to ask about the nature of my arm, but it still seems the arm itself is supposedly normal. Eventually, I see jewelry and a large number of mostly silver coins (possibly American) inside the area closer to my elbow.

---

I am involved in some ritual? idk I am looking on in 3rd person as I have my arms and sides sliced.
The marks remind me of a sausage being sliced diagonally with a very sharp knife.
Giving a zig zag design, nice lol

WBTB
I reenter the dream and am now writing up the ritual into some kind of a report in a newspaper format.

I'm browsing DreamViews on my PC. I think that I am currently doing my WBTB.
There is something important I need to ask ~ Dreamer ~, but I cannot quite remember what it is.
I have the private message site open, trying to remember what it is I wanted to say.
Then, I spot some movement from the corner of my eye.
I could have sworn that ~ Dreamer ~'s Avatar just winked at me.


After some initial confusion, I think that she must have changed her Avatar to an animated gif, which does just that.
I think it is a pretty hilarious idea, because it is going to catch people off guard.
It might get people to RC if they notice...
I try to increase my awareness, given what just happened.
Hmm...
That avatar does look somewhat suspicious.
I poke it with my finger.
The avatar giggles and moves further into the screen a little.

"... Hello?"

The avatar then proceeds to climb outside of the screen and eventually ends up on my desk, still giggling.
It is so cute. But I resist the urge to poke it again.
The avatar points towards my left. I turn around.
~ Dreamer ~ is standing right next to me!
This comes as one hell of a shock. I immediately stand up.
I was in a semi-lucid state, but now, in the blink of an eye, I am fully lucid.

I run my fingers over the palm of my left hand to check my senses.
Everything is crystal clear. I can feel the individual patterns on my skin.
I haven't had a dream this clear in some time...
Oh... right... Dreamer!

"Hi..."

Really? That's all that I can come up with? "Hi"?
Well, I suppose I'm still a bit in shock from her sudden appearance.
She smiles.

"Hi Hyu."

I try to calm down a little. I point at my monitor.
Her voice is very soft, so I decide to reply softly as well.

"That was one hell of a trick."
"Which trick?"

I look at my monitors, and they are all blank now, with a purple haze around the corners.
This has happened many times before. I don't worry about it.
There is no sign of the Avatar.

"You made me realize that I am dreaming."
"Yes."

This is amazing! And the dream is so vivid and clear!

"Hyu, do you remember my dare?"

I wouldn't have remembered that on my own.
Lucid Dares

"I am to confront Faye."
"Yes. It is time to solve this once and for all."
"Yes... it is."

But you're right here in my dream.
I want to talk with you about all sorts of things.

"Go now. Faye awaits you."

She points towards the door leading out of my room. It becomes clear that Faye awaits me behind it.
I suppose ~ Dreamer ~ has a better grasp on priorities than I do. She is right.
The dream is so clear and stable, I need to use it to confront Faye.

"Thank you!"

~ Dreamer ~ winks at me, just like her avatar did, and then slowly fades away. Wow... what an amazing encounter.
I approach the door, but hesitate a moment before opening it.
I assert again that the dream is perfectly stable, and that my head is clear.
Yes, I am. Though I'm not entirely sure what to say yet. But that's okay, I'll figure it out on the fly.
I open the door with confidence, expecting to encounter Faye behind it.


To my surprise, this new room that I've just entered looks like some sort of an interrogation room.
One table, two chairs facing each other, and a big, probably one sided mirror.
Faye sits in one of the chairs waiting for me.
I'm not off to a good start. Not only does Faye look like Kate again, but I really dislike that this is an interrogation room.
I can understand why this happened though. It must have been caused by my determination to get answers from her.
I sit in the other chair and try to smile.

"Hello Faye."

She doesn't answer. She just stares down at her hands which are on the desk.
That's alright. I'll talk for now.
I recall positive memories we shared together. I retell those stories. (Unfortunately I don't remember this part of the conversation well)
But I can't seem to get any reaction out of her.
I gently grab her hands. She finally looks me in the eyes.

"I miss you Faye."
"We had so much fun together. I want to go on adventures with you again."
"..."
"The Faye that you remember is dead."
"..."
"I understand... What do you want?"
"No. You don't understand. And what I want..."

She smiles.

"I will destroy you. I will destroy us both."

She plays with a butterfly knife a little, then shows me the palm of her left hand, and then cuts right across it.
I can feel the cut in my left hand clearly. I look at it, and I have the same wound Faye has. We're both bleeding a little.

"You and I we are the same. We've always been."
"What has changed?"
"There is darkness within you. I am that darkness now."
"Nothing you do can stop me now."

This is not what I wanted to hear. But I suppose deep down, I already knew that things would never return to the way they were.
She also made it quite clear that I cannot remove her by force. What do I do now?
... first of all, I need a change of scenery. This interrogation room is inappropriate, it probably plays right into her hands.
Teraluna it is. I stand up and use the wing technique to teleport to Riven. Faye follows me. We are on a bridge close to Yuya's place.
She's no longer looking like Kate. She's looking the same way she did when we first met. She shows me her knife and says.

"I will never let you be with Yuya again."

I can see Yuya in the distance. She reads my thoughts. I make it clear that now is not a good moment to come over. She understands.
I look at the horizon. The gas giant that we are orbiting is experiencing a huge storm. It is quite beautiful.
This change of scenery was a good idea. I feel refreshed. And I know what I have to do...

"Oh Faye..."
"When I look at you, I remember all the good times we've had together."
"I will cherish those memories. I'll always remember you as the person you were, not as the person you have become."
"Whatever it is you are trying to do. It is not going to work."

I just smile. It is a genuine smile. I truly do cherish those memories.
And what I am about to say is going to hurt. But I know that it is the only way out.

"Faye... you are right. You always are. You and I, we are the same. And there is darkness within me... I do understand that."
"You do not... you have no idea. It will destroy you. I will destroy you."
"I know."
"No."
"You see, I've done a terrible thing."
"..."
"I didn't see what was wrong. I couldn't understand. So I have channelled all that darkness; all what was wrong, into a single dream character."
"You're making this up..."
"I needed for it to have a face. So that I could clearly identify..."
"These lies will not work on me!"
"Faye, I am sorry. I did not do this consciously. But it is all clear to me now."
"You are all that remains of that darkness. I will have to let you go..."
"No... I am your dream guide!"

Her voice has become faint. I can see fear and sadness in her now.
Is this truly the explanation I believe in?

"Faye is no longer here... My dream guide is dead."

I touch her face... one last time. I look deeply into her eyes. I can see nothing within them. You are no longer Faye.
Was it my fault that she ended up like this? Or was it beyond my control? I will never know.
But this is the only choice I have left. I take a step back... and then I let go...

"Goodbye Faye..."

She closes her eyes... and slowly fades into dust. The wind takes her away until nothing is left. Faye is gone.
Have I done the right thing? Was this really the only way?
Yuya approaches and hugs me. I hold her tightly.
I can feel her thoughts, her emotions, how helpless she felt, because this is not something she could help me with.
This was something I needed to solve on my own.

"Did I do the right thing?"

She gently answers:

"What do you think?"
"I think so... but I cannot shake the feeling that I may have taken the only path, rather than the right one."
"When there is only one path, is it not by definition always the right one?"
"Well..."
"Worry not. This was the choice you needed to make."

And suddenly I feel such relief. Like all the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My dreams are mine again.
Yuya rarely gives me such a straight up answer. Instead she helps me to find my own.
But this time I needed to hear it from her.
I am so happy to be with her again.

We walk through her gardens, knowing that my dream will soon end. That is fine. I am exhausted.
I know that I can now visit Yuya again whenever I desire. That is what is most important.
But Faye is gone. Forever.

A first person dream, I am running, frantic, up an angular spiral staircase. When I reach a landing I run through an open door, into a bedroom painted black, with posters plastered onto the shiny black walls. To my immediate right is a small brown end-table, it is cluttered. Beside it is an unmade bed with a young man sitting on the edge.
I rush at him and pant "I need to get out of here! I need to escape!". He complies and gets up immediately, taking hold of my left wrist. He turns it over to expose my inner arm and I try to twist away, consciously attempting to hide old scars of self harm. The young man holds fast, however, and grabs a sharp pocket-knife off his cluttered end-table.
He holds my arm out, exposing my inner arm and makes a large, diagonal and mostly vertical, cut into my wrist. I brace myself for blood and pain but neither ever comes. For a moment I think that I can see fat and tissue inside the cut, before I realize that it is expanding and opening wide, turning inside out. In a flash of light everything seems to flip inside out, and then get sucked inwards towards my cut, even my own point of view/field of vision. Then I wake up.

Note*
This dream didn't come off as terribly nightmarish or awful to me. I felt no ill intent from the young man. I consciously try to keep my scars out of sight and mind of anyone that isn't myself. They don't particularly haunt me or serve as a daunting reminder of my past. They're simply there, and if anything have always represented a comfortable way out.

catch the ghost

mon: i didn't sleep this day
tue: angry at myself. dreams were real vivid. a sign of recovery but i was too groggy to write 'em down and they vanished within ten minutes
wed: 2 lucids but no ghost

Spoiler for lucid dreams:

The clock in my room was all screwy. I tried walking around but I moved real slow and the lights were blinking rapidly. I wake up.

I re-enter the dream and I go into the kitchen and ask my girlfriend "help me catch a ghost". She says "They were in the yard but I caught them all". I go out anyways and see my neighbor and his daughter. I say "Let's have a drink." He accepts. I find a bottle under my porch and go into his house.

He takes me through a gym and into a changing room where sexual acts begin between him and his daughter. "I don't have time for this. I need to catch a ghost." More people enter and they all start taking off their clothes and I wake up. I did try looking for a ghost in the gym but nothing.

thu: crazy dream. down a ladder to the center of the earth where i have to kill this fiery skeleton horse with razor claws and tusks. many people died but not me. i woke up before i destroyed the beast.
fri: followed a dog through an empty house. found some decapitated bodies.
sat: 3 hours of sleep. did not dream. did not catch the ghost.
sun: sporadic recall. sort of nightmares. i cut my finger and it was falling off....i saw a video tape of a man's suicide and SWAT stormed his house....i was in a flooded building on a box watching people be electrified in the water...in a department store looking at candy and Halloween costumes. vivid.