I had a lucid dream last night. I was talking to my family and everything was so clear and I was even less interested in their conversation than usual. I thought,"Wow, everything isn't blurry. I must be dreaming." I pondered whether I should do something or not, but I was too lazy to try anything. So, I just continued to listen to my family. Then, I thought,"I wonder how they would feel if I told them this was a dream." I decided against it and just looked around the room. I briefly considered that perhaps I really was awake and had just suffered a moment of temporary insanity. But, I decided against that when I realized I had been in the living room with absolutely no recollection of what I had done before. I'm a pretty lethargic person in real life, so it's no wonder whenever I do have a lucid dream, I more or less don't do much of anything. I prefer observing the characters and the scenery.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 Planning my unplanned Trip I dreamt... I am living in a different house than my preset one. I am hanging out with Travis B. (someone I know as a YouTube artist, an independent film maker from Southern California that I met once while he was premiering a film in Boston), and someone else, one or two others, maybe friends of Travis. I am scheduled to leave very soon to go on vacation for 2-4 weeks. Soon. Tomorrow? Today! I'm scheduled to leave today, yet, I haven’t planned out my vacation at all! I haven’t planned where to go, what to do. and here I am packing. I’m packing for a vacation I know nothing about. What do I pack? Warm things, cold things? Sports equipment? Skis? Bathing suits? I start packing but then realize how futile, how ridiculous it is to pack for an event that hasn’t been defined. I put of leaving for my vacation since I haven’t make any plans. I tell myself, I’ll leave tomorrow. This makes sense, since I don’t know where to go. Yet I feel guilty, dumb, for postponing a vacation! These is precious and limited time, and here I am throwing one of the few days away. How .. dumb! Lazy. I berate myself for the stupidity and laziness, the lack of planning on my part that has led to losing a day of vacation. I think back to my last vacation. I even describe it to someone, one of the women who is helping me research ideas and pinpoint a destination or theme. My last vacation was a wandering road trip. It was adventure, activity, travel, and some workshops. I ended up, at one point, among other places, at a wonderful tropical resort. I did activities there, some with groups. I swam in beautiful places. And it was fun, engaging and beautiful. And, at towards the end, very lonely. I would look around and see that I was the only single person there. Everyone else were in couples. I ended up feeling sad and lonely, a bit left out. So Travis and a couple others grab me and drag me out doors. We start walking around. They are scheming where to take me. One of the women we’re with knows the area, but is not exactly sure which road to take to get to where she wants to be. We start walking until she realizes we’re going the wrong way, and we turn around. They start running with excitement, now that we’re on the right path. I can’t keep up, because I’m so out of shape. I think to myself, “I am SO out of shape, I can’t even keep up with regular people. What am I thinking going on a vacation in this condition! I can’t do things that a vacationing person would want to do. This is pathetic. I am pathetic. I should just cancel this vacation, just scrap the whole idea. Hell, I don’t even have a plan. What was I thinking?!” (I realize as we're walking along that I'm wearing a 2-piece bikini. We're walking through the neighborhood, and pass by a nearby beach, so I don't look out of place per se. Yet I realize I'm the only one in my little group in a 2-piece bathing suit. The other women are wearing a 1-piece. I feel so out of place, so self conscious! I am 40 pounds overweight, and feel I have no right wearing a 2-piece. I do what I can to suck in my gut, but it isn't something I can keep up. Oh, how I wish I had a shirt to wear over this, or a sarong to wrap around me!) They take me into this really small library. But it isn’t a regular public library. It is a kind of small, specialized research station, maybe privately owned. They tear into it, dragging me along. I am not into it, but force myself to go along with it, since they are so enthusiastic - for me and my vacation. I force myself to look at the books on the floor-to-ceiling shelves. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I see nothing, I find nothing, I feel nothing - I am nothing. I hate myself, and am embarrassed that they are more excited about me and my trip, more excited about planning my trip than I am. but for their sake, I drag my body along the aisles with them, and force my eyes to pass across the shelves and shelves of books. Nothing. They take me up to another floor of more of the same. I move sluggishly, forcing myself. Then something happens. I see something that catches my eye, and my interest. I begin to look around. We must be in the right section, because I like what I see. I begin to get excited, to become engaged in the process. I pull out books and flip through them. Ideas are bubbling up. At one point, I am in this library, and I’m holding some sort of staff - a scepter (Dictionary definition: “An ornamented staff carried by rulers on ceremonial occasions as a symbol of sovereignty"). It is small, but Powerful. The kind a Monarch would hold to indicate position and royalty. One of the woman who brought me is lounging next to me. She watches me with a smile on her lips and excitement in her eyes. “It is Powerful, isn’t it. An Instrument of Power. It just makes you feel Big, Important, Powerful! Yes, it fits in your hand. You really ought to have one of these. Just to hold once in a while. Just to bring back to you this Feeling of Power. Yes. This sort of thing Belongs in your hand!” And she is exactly right! I look at it in my hand and wonder at how well it Fits. I wonder how I can integrate this into my trip. I am not sure, but I will, somehow. Perhaps my journey will be a search of how to integrate this, a Journey. While I don’t know the destination of my trip, I now have a Direction.
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