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A journey begins↘️
Woke 8am Wednesday 14-November-18↘️

In a full car driver male, two passengers and me
There appears a litle chubby puppy
Driver wants puppy out
I pick up puppy
Driver says " if it makes a mess it's out"
Puppy then wriggles off my lap
And had a big human size poop and wee
Then begs to get on my lap again.

The driver stops the car so puppy can get out
I say Im staying with the puppy
They let me out and they give me a long single handed trolly.
And a small tarpaulin for puppy and me to be under in rainy weather.
The car drives off and I am happy.
A few nice things happen

But

I cross a road-bridge under which flows a kind of
Thick, black, fast to medium flowing, river.

Then still pushing this long single handed trolly
It front of me
It is night time now
I see a man
sprawled out on the other side of the road
on the grass verge asleep (or dead)

Next I peak over mt side of the grass verge
And down a bit I see a spotlight
and two Disney Cartoon characters.
Porky Pig and a small character that I cant remember

I follow a path to go and see them
I lay out the things from the Trolly
Because this seems a nice place to sleep (eod)

I wake and its 8am Wednesday 14-Nov-18

Awake and I see the dream refers
the the Zero card of the Tarot

The Fool and the puppy about to go over a cliff
(The Porky Pig and friend was in a spotlight below the road)

I crossed over the river Styks befor I saw
the cartoon charactersin the spotlight.

The very long, single handled trolly
represented the stick and handkerchief bundle
tied to one end, over the Fools shoulder.

I the Fool with my puppy dog have stepped off the cliff
to be with the Disney cartoon charactors
And are now fast asleep.

What a dream

Im doing a Jungian couse online
We 6 months in. We are up to:

The Collective Unconscious and Archetypes
We already done the "Shadow"

Maybe the puppy
with the tiny, slightly brocken, human-looking teeth
IS my shadow

My and my shadow (2:21)

https://youtu.be/i-4uKgXRnpI

Booby traps.
⚘Over and over again.⚘
I dont see any go off
But he resets them
I and others try to be carfull
Woke at 11:11pm Wed 13/11/18 ↗️

https://youtu.be/VJmiIekAZXQ

Created Monday 12 November 2018

Got a DILD and some near-WILD REM Atonia states to note.

Scrap Group 1
Repeated states of REM Atonia, so noted by the sensation and sound of violent winds bearing down on me. I tried imagining the cause. This increased windpower dramatically, but otherwise did nothing else. I tried rubbing my hands, but could feel nothing of the sort. I barely nudged myself off my bed, only for an unrelated interruption to awake me.

Dream 1 - Sky-dal Wave

The visuals were a bit blurred, but clarified over time. I was riding in a van or SUV during a bright day. Several family members were there, though I couldn't distinguish either of them. Noticed we were by a local plaza, where we then turned towards one of the nearby condo complexes. Suddenly, I was shunted to the front seat, facing back. While figuring out what was going on, I began imagining random things. Seeing images of such floating ahead of me finally convinced me of the dream.

I climbed out the sunroof, then launched myself skyward. As I was some nearing clouds, I remembered to conjure a tidal wave as part of the TOTMs. A single stroke was all it took to do as much, the wave rising all the way to the heavens before it dropped out of view. I continued onwards, but noticed there wasn't any noise. Voicing sound effects fixed that in time. Just for the sake of thoroughness, I decided to repeat the task. So, after swooping down towards an ocean, I called for another wave. The tides violently took such a form, if smaller than I intended. I leaped over it, only to find a truly colossal wave was charging towards me, its roars deafening. I barely corkscrewed over its crescent to safety.

Next in mind was the world-splitting task. I blasted off out of Earth's atmosphere in an instant. Unfortunately, before I had time to notice, the dream destabilized, then collapsed.

Non-lucid – Notes – lucid – Interpretation

2018-11-13 00:21 So to take charge on the dreamwork project with healing rejser I have decided to run it myself, though I feel somewhat tired.
I don’t know where to start. It feels as if identification with psychological self is falling away. Over the past couple of days I have experienced that with every thought arise a history, a narrative a person-in-potentia. It is falling away and I realise myself to be infinitely broader than whatever thought, feeling or sensation that arise, yet I am also Dennis, an embodied, carnal and emotional being just the same.
I have experienced anger towards Cecilie culminating in an experience of being hurt. Simply hurt. The numbness and stupididty I felt when realising that is all I had been fighting to feel, all my anger towards her was trying to repress and what the suicidality was an expression of left me giggling, free and confused.
Speaking off. There has been much confusion. Mainly as I have found little to be ecstatic or happy about, no mission nor direction. Thus meaninglessness and confusion.
When I felt the hurt with regard Cecilie I started crying and placed myself down on a carpet. I saw myself a fetus in the womb of my mother and it felt as if I sent a team of light beings, angels to remind the fetus in the past that it was forever loved, before I took it and placed it firmly in my chest, now giving it love from myself to myself.
I want to try out permaculture, more embodied, more giving a shit about my daily life and the planet on which it occurs. No longer a saviour project (attachmentto the recognition associated with such an endeavour), but simply because I miss trying out more contact with nature in a responsible way, the way of a custodian.
I have felt curiosity about people. Like genuine curiosity, notable due the absence of trying to bring the conversation around to be about me. Either in terms of “I have tried something similar, when...” or “I totally get that, maybe you should look at it like… to….” or simply to demonstrate cleverness a hungry and hurt yearning for recognition, a desperation for fulfilling a hole that was futile from the beginning. I have seen the source, understood the principles by which the conditioning arose and battled myself to eternity to cling on to it, but it is faltering.
I have experienced the depths of despair, isolation and loneliness driving my thoughts into suicidal contemplation ever so more specific and concrete, to the point that I just 2 days ago considered writing my departure letter as a way of examining why I was thinking about quitting it all. This pain has driven me through profound anger at my heart, my soul and God. I have been piss fucking irritated at my soul and God for not really appreciating the nature of a mortal being and selfishly deciding to put a poor human being, and not only me, through whatever hurts simply so they can learn a lesson or two from an immortal perspective. Funnily enough this anger was followed by what seemed a remark from Raphael “you have a point you know”. I have been angry at my heart as I thought that was a spot in which I was supposed to find rest, but the more I dive in the more it screams “BRING ME YOUR SUFFERING” as it spreads out tentacles digging up collective emotional bull shit that is lingering below the surface and causing all sorts of havoc, wanting to feel it so it can be released. What a dick that heart of mine!
In my moments of darkness the room has literally seemed to go black and a voice have whispered “Well if you don’t need that soul...”. I guess if you open for angels, you open for all of them.
Yet then in meditation the whispers of Ganesh have imparted me teachings of regulating attention. It has shown me how desire with attachment to outcomes becomes a strong, single pointed focus – just as you would practice in meditation. The problem is you then manifest it. I have seen how I have been manifesting pain and suffering relentlessly.
All of this. All of this pain have left me severely questioning the wisdom of Ayahuasca. It seems that whenever I engage my desire for something simple, something human – love, connection and sex – I am denied. To the point where it has brought me into the realms of psychiatry, as it seems the plants are unwilling to help and assist with my predicaments and I now am scheduled to have a psychiatric evaluation carried out – do what you fear ey?
It goes further than that. Here I sit on the night where I have finally broken my resistance towards promoting myself. The pattern that obscured my actioning was seen, and understood in its complex simplicity.
When an urge to create and claim a slice of life for myself arise, in the concrete manifestation of simply promoting myself, a thought arise in response. “The world is already enlightened, you are no longer needed” - typically this would occur in interpretation towards an article read, a sentence uttered or something similar. In effect it would serve enough of a distraction to keep me from doing what I intended. Then when I engage with life and start seeing evidence to the contrary that maybe there are people out there suffering, someone I could assist a replacement thought would pop up, typically identified through some sort of inspirational video, article, cartoon or similar: “Well there are plenty of people out there much better than you, more suited to take up the task”. Then more examples would follow that would indicate that maybe you know I could be of service to some at which point the voice would turn distinctly sinister “Well Dennis you are a shitty human being, look at all of this shit you can’t figure out about life, you are not fit to help anyone”. Which would then initiate a period of intense suicidality, self-absorbed victimhood and suffering.
This pattern has been at times lasted weeks, if not months. But after I verbalised it to a good friend yesterday I have seen it manifest and resolve within the space of an hour, though the suicidality and “terrible human being” bit got channelled into actually getting a marketing post written.
My biggest fear is a funny one. I am actually afraid that upon resolving this inner conviction that I am not worthy of life, that I have no function to fulfil (it is tricky dedicating your life to helping people out of suffering, if all the world is already there just waiting for me to resolve my own bull shit so we can move on) that the enlightenment of the world will ensue. I would thus manifest my deepest fear, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is a lot of quirky stuff going on in my head (and oh my god don’t get me started on the bodily stuff), transformations and shifts in perspective are occurring at a rate I am so not accustomed to. I guess an apt analogy is that I have been thrown into a maelstrom in the middle of an infinite sea during a thunderstorm and am now learning to swim in these waters, slowly getting the hang of it.
But there is a fierce willingness also arising. A willingness to experience more. Despite the intensity I want more from life.
I can guarantee very little at present. The main thing I can say for sure is that I refuse to listen to the belittling voice within. I have empathy and compassion for why it arose. But I refuse to be worthless any longer.