I woke up from one dream because I was experiencing pure terror. I tried to 'get back' to where I was, but to get there I had to go through a sequence of events (I'd passed through before) that were terrifying. I once again woke up because I couldn't deal with the fear. It literally made me breathe heavily and sweat. Scary stuff. I found myself in either a movie theater or opera hall, seated somewhere in the crowd (section on the left). Then someone stabbed a blonde woman. Possibly the performer? Then a lot of people everywhere (almost everybody) pulled knives and attacked the same victim. I think the victim had done something to them, and they were taking their collective revenge. I was being blocked from escaping by a big dude (also armed with a knife). I was too scared to fight (too many enemies, all armed with knives while I have nothing) but I felt like their problem wasn't with me anyway, so doing nothing was the wisest course of action.
7:44 pm closing computer for bed. 4226 words -------------------------------- 12:45 AM: So this has been my usual sleep, about 4 hours so far. And I had some dreams. Earlier dreams involved N H and M R. I forgot what. then there was something about G F and K F and how it was after school. And how we could go to a pool. I wanted to go swim but was worried I hadn't eaten enough. We talked about going for a swim then eating after. There was more stuff I forgot. But one was about being in this water slide thing. And there were apples or slices of pizza or some food. Some of it belonged to each individual. I think I was passing some peoples apples or whatever food it was to them. Then I remember it being something about a gym. There were a list of pod casts, one being about something, sleep, and something else, and many other podcasts. There may have been some weight lifting component. I remember some toys J G was trying to sell. He was very push and didn't let the other sales person talk. One was a Tigger robot kind of toy. I forgot the other. But I remember the big shelf of toys. There might have been a Pokemon game earlier now that I think of it. Not sure. Anyway after that, I remember a monopoly card hanging on the wall. Like the poster board ones that indicate each property a person could own. These had red in their color on the top and I think they said "CIRCUMCISION HURTS". However they might have said something else about circumcision. Anyway, I felt triggered, and said to the sales people about how circumcision (MGM) was bad. One of the sales people (not J G) said something mean to me. And some other mean things to me. Both him and J G tried to minimize the harms of MGM and I was initially angry. But then I realized that their insults to me were not hurting my feelings one bit. It was really amazing. I told them, "You, know it's amazing. Its like your insults are not even touching me." I didn't know it was a dream either, so it was really phenomenal. "It's like I'm doing such important work here (intactivism) that your mean words can't touch me." After that the insults ended, and it kind of shifted. B D was there coloring. I had a piece of paper and wanted to color with silver and gold colored pencils. My seat was at the head of the table. B D was to my left. Someone else was to my right. There wasn't a lot of room in front of my seat. Eventually, P S and maybe another woman came by, and wanted to sit down. There were two chairs and we wondered which to put at the head of the table, for the woman to sit down. (I seemed to be giving up my seat.) So P S told us that the one chair was more comfortable and we should use that. But I realized he was saying that so that we could use the less comfortable chair! And leave the comfortable one for him. Ha! One chair had cushioned arm rest things. They both had some padding. I was also thinking of folding my paper so that it fit in a tiny spot of table between B D and the other person's binder. I remember something about a spiritual teacher. A woman like M or R (thin, middle-aged, greyish blonde hair, short in stature) was saying how she listened to a spiritual teacher (someone like Eckhart Tolle) and he said she would have to go to work and actually work all day. Not have any side conversations. Not be distracted on the computer, social media, etc. Just work. This idea seemed preposterous and she laughed with everyone else. (I just remembered a cat. Maybe there was a cat at some point in the dreams.) Then I was putting contacts into my phone. I was going to write "Good Guy 1", "Good Guy 2", etc. Because it was for a team. One was R K. I might have been thinking of just putting a number as their name, like, "1", "2", "3", etc. But what if someone checked how I input them? It would seem too impersonal. I remember the back space key being in a random spot on the 3rd page of characters and I had to scroll to that. Then there was something with me in front of a box. And something about how a formal was coming up soon. I was looking through this box. Maybe there was a mirror, and other stuff. C P and G W seemed to be hovering around me. It occurred to me that they must be hoping I ask them out as a date to the formal. I didn't really want to go with either of them, since I wasn't that attracted to them, and I was just going to go alone. But I tried to be nice. And had to get changed. I went home, which was instant, I don't remember traveling. There were all these shelves of old books. I realized that everyone there would have smart phones with internet, so there was no need for me to bring a little hand held dictionary. It said something with the word "toe" on the cover which I would have felt embarrassed about if I'd brought it. The cover was kind of tattered. I was wearing gym shorts and a regular T-shirt. Not sure what I'd wear for the formal. Dad came in and I got an uncomfortable vibe. He had on a white button down shirt and khaki pants. He told me about how he asked a college counselor to give him the good schools to go to. And how he wouldn't settle for certain schools, listing them off with disregard. He eventually named the school he did go to and his accomplishments very pridefully. I sat in an armchair, sinking into it as I thought of what to wear. Maybe a button down shirt like Dad's. I was slowly realizing I couldn't go to a formal in gym shorts and a T shirt. Dad's speech reached a peak. "I worked and worked and worked and gave money to you, your mom, your sister, your mom, your mom, your sister, your sister, you, your mom, you, you, and now, you have no time for me!" And he was adjusting his pants which had become puffy camoflauge-designed canvas material kind of pants. "Now I'd like you to get your fist out of my face!" He said, breaking into tears. He had one hand in the air, open, but clenched in a way, like he was rock climbing, with no rock there. Right after he said that, I found myself in my physical bed (woke up) surprised that I wouldn't make it to the formal. It was such an intense ending that I woke right up and recalled it so vividly. Now that I've written it all, I will go back to bed. I have some R L S so I will do some exercises for that and hopefully get back to sleep shortly. --------------------------------- 4:54 A M: I definitely slept a couple hours there and had a lot of RBFA. But I have a lot of the dream memories in mind, so I'll write them. First, I remember walking around the neighborhood. I had in mind one of those blocks to drive the car up on to for changing the oil. The triangular ramp things. A grey one. I couldn't find it, but there was a spoiler thing built into this Scion kind of car that came off and might look like one. I went to remove it and noticed a bunch of dark colored pick-up trucks. 'Okay, maybe I'll leave it,' I thought. (I think) Then I was on a school bus. I don't remember everything that happened but I am pretty sure that I had the grey ramp thing, a back pack, and some other stuff. The bus driver got mad at me because when my stop came, I couldn't get off the bus. I was still looking for my stuff. but the bus driver was mad and they just drove away from my stop without giving me the time. I had fallen asleep by trying to use the counting method but I don't remember getting past 70 or so. Oh, I think I had a chance to stay still at one point but it was too uncomfortable (urge surge) and I moved and broke it. I'm sure it would have passed if I had stayed still though, and I'd have dropped in deeper. I made it through some other intense rollover signals, but that one, I just must have been out of mental energy. So I found myself driving up the road by the campus of the college I went to. In my Mustang. I was pulled over. For some reason my eyes wouldn't open much. The police officer reminded me of Officer S. I had on my orange glasses. Then Officer S left and another officer (I'll call him Officer B but I don't know his name) came to my car. They had been telling me that my steering wheel was too far ahead. And that my steering wheel should be closer to my chest. So I did a joke where I pressed the steering wheel button to push it towards me, and then ended up having the whole thing push me all the way to the back seat. Officer B was mad. I told him it was just a joke, but he said it wasn't funny. I always get triggered by people with no sense of humor. They're so unreasonable. Then, I was in my back seat, and all these young kids came in the car. They bumped into me and stuff. I wanted to move but I thought the kids would have to leave my car, since I didn't know them. All the kids were wearing a similar outfit. Eventually, they must have left. Now I have some mental blank spots. I remember really needing a bathroom though, and none were available. I was getting mad. All the stalls were taken but I only needed to go #1 anyway. I found a stall with a toilet and a urinal and went to the urinal. The urinal was like one of those garbage cans thats built into the wall, except lower. It was already full of pee though. I tried to urinate anyway because I didn't care, and wound up urinating on my shoes. There hadn't been a door on this stall. But I figured it didn't matter. Also, everything was really gross. I had my hand up against the stall at one point, holding it. Then I felt some sharp claws dig into both my wrists and grab me from behind. This caused me some panic. It felt very physical. Whatever it was, it brought me out of the dream, and into my bed. It continued to hold me from behind, but now I only felt the sharp grip on my right wrist, and the grip on my left wrist wasn't sharp. I was in some sleep paralysis but was able to say, "Stop!" and then there was some silence while it continued holding me. It was very interesting when it replied to me, "Stop!" a bit louder. I said, "Why are you doing this to me? Please don't do this." But I also alternated between panic and then remembering to relax because it was just sleep paralysis. It brought me into a dream in which I was lucid at the onset. I turned around and looked at it. It was kind of shaped like a bowling pin, with blue, black and yellow. Maybe I will draw it. It had one eye at the top of the bowling pin. Another character who was also a similar shape told me I can't look behind me. That character will be behind me but I can't look behind me. I'm not allowed to look at it. If I do see it, I have to only look at its necklace which had a golden thing on it. I'm going to call the bowling pin guy "Pin" for now. So after that, we all sat on a couch. This felt like a very profound dream. I was a thin couch at first. There was someone, i think an old woman, to my left. We held hands. Then someone sat to her left. More people came, and they all squeezed in to the furthest seat on the left. The couch continued to stretch. I was surprised at one point to see that C S, E S, and I S. So, then more people joined. I asked the person next to me, "Are they all lucid, too?" And they said yes. I decided to cast a spell to extend the couch to my right. There were some wooden latch things that had to come apart but it worked. I felt cool about using a spell. I think more people sat down after that. "Pin" was up front now, going to teach us something. I think it was "Pin" or maybe it was the other bowling pin character, but not "Pin". (I'll have to try to break the rules and look for "Pin" in future dreams.) Anyway, I guess I woke up. This one was very lucid. But it wasn't a clear point to me where I woke up. At some point, I was awake, and had to go through some effort to think of the dream again. Eventually, as I thought through it, I fell asleep. (RBFA) There were some various parts to this. I'll try to put them in order. I remember something of trying to dream journal everything. And being in a class run by B D. Apparently he had gained a school position and everyone who graduated 10 years ago had to come take a test. His test was designed to kind of make people feel their life hadn't worked out. One of the questions was "Which of your expectations were not fulfilled" or something like that. So I saw through his plan. I was able to try to write the answers I felt good about. I remember some kind of thing in a cafeteria. Some kind of graphic design thing that is on the TOTT (OTTOTT?) but then I remember dream journaling, and seeing B W. I had a very complex idea of a dream journal in my mind, complete with a lot of drawings. But that was overwhelming me so I decided it was okay just to type it out in a simpler fashion. there was a part where I was on a roof. And I remember going up and down some stairs. Its kinda vague to me. I remember seeing this house with siding all around it. Then G M came out of there and sneezed. I said bless you. He rubbed his sneeze on me. I was not mean to him about it but kind of wondered why he thought that was okay. It got on my beard. Then I was driving around and I remember seeing this big orange house with brown doors at the T in the road I had got to. Thinking to myself about forgiveness. Forgiving others, forgiving myself, being forgiven, it was annoying me because they always emphasized forgiving others or being forgiven by others. Where as I thought that being able to forgive one's self should come first. I also remember finding myself in a cafeteria. Mom, dad and my sister were there. Eventually I went over and joined them. And had some french fries or something. This part is kinda vague. I remember another part of walking around the house at my parents old place. There were kids playing next door and they talked to me from over the fence. I forgot what they said, or I said. There was something about a frog and a rabbit running around. I had put each one in its own box for a day for some reason. This seemed cruel to me and I let it out. They pooped everywhere once they got out. It was human-size poops too. Then there was a girl who was trying to clean up after them. The rabbit's poop must have been tan because she had a bunch of that that she was cleaning. I remember in cleaning it, she had also left a mess, which I then tried to clean up after her. We got transported to a restaurant job kind of thing. I was at the front, setting this window that had fallen off. I had to reset all the metal rods and stuff. I remember just trying to open it, and the window panels just fell out of the wall. There was an electronic device that plugged into some metal rods. That was all the way in front of the restaurant. I felt connected to the girl, like I had a crush on her. There was a presentation starting. I was on staff there. I ran to the back of the room where I could see the presentations. I almost took the seat next to the girl but hesitated and ran and even slid on the floor to stand against the wall. I was like half-way in the chair near her when i changed my mind. Maybe I thought it was too bold of a move to sit near someone I liked. So I found myself standing between two table or counter top things. Standing made sense to me because I was a bus boy there anyway. So I looked ahead and there was some kind of presentation going on. It seemed to be a carry over of characters from previous scenes. So I've woken up from those and recalled what I could. I still feel sleepy and will try to sleep one more time. --------------------------------- 7:18 A M: I had more dreams. Glad that I slept some more. I was in some sort of cafeteria thing. There was some stuff I forgot. But there was also some stuff about being signed on to a computer program. And the guy didn't want me to log out. I was saying some stuff, something angry, and he told the guy next to him to just breathe. So he did unilateral nostril breathing. I logged out of that program. I noticed I was still logged in to another program, too. I had to scroll around the screen a lot to log out of that one. But when I got out, I saw this really cool graphic of a Scizor. It was like the transition from being in that program to another. It spun and there was a ripple affect, with a lot of red and silver. I forgot all of what was going on. But, I got on this elevator thing. The first time, I think I was in a robot suit. I got in and it said help was needed on the fifth floor, so I went to the fifth floor. When I got out there were all these coolers full of mussels (black shell fish) and canned beverages. I pushed them out and found that they had to be pushed around a ramp that twisted around the outside of the building. Some of them fell over the edge but I was able to get most of them around. By the time I got to the bottom, it was a whole truck load. I figured if I'd brought it to the wrong place we could always bring it back up on the elevator. Then I walked around some more, and we had to go back in the building. Back in the elevator. This time with a few people. A woman was examining all these beads on the ground. She said we'd be better off leaving them for when the owners come to get them. The elevator door was about to close. Suddenly the woman said that if it turned red, we better all get out. Sure enough, it turned all read. Like night mode on a computer but with red tint and the black would be red. She ran out of there and I managed to just make it, too. I looked back and the elevator was lit up white. The other guys had been stuck in there. Not sure if they would be okay. It seemed to be because of their robot suits. I followed the woman around the building and saw her getting into this car with no windows. It turned out to be cushioned. I don't think there was a roof but the doors went up a few feet over out heads. it was a gold colored car with a beige interior and very soft. There was one more person in the back seat. We were safe there. Then I woke up. I'll try to sleep some more because I feel sleepy enough. --------------------------------- Well, I ended up realizing W A was at 7:30, so I went to that meeting. I thought I'd let myself sleep while I listened but it didn't work. Oh well, I think I got 8-9 hours of sleep anyway.
Dream 1: I was swimming in murky, deep green water at the beach. It was overcast and cold, with grey clouds and no sun. Morgan, Isabella, Sam, and the twins were there. They were laughing about something and discussing some object I’ve since forgotten, but I was more concerned by the fact that I could see hundreds of bodies on the ocean floor when I dipped my head beneath the waves. Dream 2: On a lawn, there was a canopy tent put up and with a blanket under it, like on Founder’s Day. We were having a picnic. Sam sat on the ground next to me, and Isabella sat in a chair next to the twins. I had brought lemonade, but I forgot the fruit I was supposed to bring. Sam asked how I could remember the lemonade but forget the fruit. The conversation somehow got to my hair, and Sam told Isabella to dye it blue. She did, but halfway through she said “oh no”and threw the dye away. I asked why and she said she’d accidentally made it purple, but my hair was blue. I then realized I had a flight that I had to be at at 11:33. I quickly tried to finish a plate of pasta and some salad that hadn’t been there before, and then I went to go find my boyfriend and say goodbye before I left. I found him at a school playing soccer with Jan and Lauren. I ran over to him and gave him a hug and said goodbye, and he kissed me on the cheek. Then I realized my flight was a virtual flight of some sort, and I had missed it, but there would be another one soon. Fragment: I was in a very weird high tech shower, which I was trying to figure out. There were lots of curtains and smaller subunits with jets and pools of water. Before I could figure it out, I had to go. Dream 3: Franci and Helen were telling me I had to go to the hospital for my own good. I was reluctant to go. I said I wanted to take a shower before I left. They told me to pack clean clothes and to make sure I got a good roommate. I said I’d ask for a single room.
Morning of May 28, 2018. Monday. I am in a setting that seems partly modeled after the Cubitis living room (last seen in real life in 1978). There is a computer set up in the southwest corner. It seems to be late morning. I am looking at pages in a newspaper. There is a short article (on the upper right of a page) of about three paragraphs written by someone with my surname. Their first name is Aueda (which is unfamiliar, though which is actually a distortion of my last name, with an extra “A” and no “L”, though my dream self does not realize this). I notice the name Tecumseh written a few times throughout the article. The person lives in New York. I tell Zsuzsanna that I am surprised Aueda is still alive, though this is by way of false memory, as I have no relative by this name as far as I know. In fact, I am uncertain of whether the person is male or female. Zsuzsanna seems to know it is a female even though she had not known of her previously. “I did not know they were still alive,” I say, followed by, “They were born in the 1800s”. (This turns out to actually be 1907, but only assuming my dream self is aware it is 2018, though that is unlikely, as my non-lucid dream self typically has no idea what year it is or any viable temporality.) I use the computer for an Internet search. It turns out there is a very large and detailed photograph of her at her rural home in New York. I read that she is 111 years old. In the photograph, presumably recent, she is standing and facing the foreground. I report her age several times to a few different people who show up. I am amazed by her age. The photograph seems like it might be of Grace McDaniels (the “Mule-Faced Woman”), though my dream self does not consider this. Additionally, the surreal nature of her face is far more extreme than Grace’s. She appears to have a large pointed chin covered with small bumps as well as an additional section below her mouth of a different rough texture. She also seems to have large elk antlers growing from her head. (This was likely influenced by a strange movie called “Marker” that Zsuzsanna and I saw the other night, though also seems influenced by the character of Hela from “Thor: Ragnarok”, which we also saw recently, though again, the horns were like elk antlers.) I look to the left and see a man, who I first think is her husband, lying on a couch inside their house. (This is illogical, as the main image of Aueda was taken outside, but the photograph implies the walls closest the camera are not present in the image, but are in “reality”.) Looking around, I see more detail, including a barn and a woodpile to the right. An unknown male is suddenly standing behind me on my left asking me if he can use my computer to look up a different name, which is Helen Crowley. I do not feel comfortable with him using my computer, as the keyboard is difficult to use. (It is smaller than a real one, but my dream self does not consider this.) I consider that some of the keys can easily fall out or get jammed. I try to tell him about the difficulty of use (though I also tell him how I am familiar with how it us used as such) and that I do not want him using it, but he gets annoyed and walks away for a short time. Finally, I let him use it, though after typing in the name myself, while I get up and walk away from the area. (Helen is Zsuzsanna’s mother’s name as on at least one official document, though she uses Helene but pronounces it as Helena. Additionally, Crowley was a “King of Hell” character from “Supernatural”, so my dream is illogically mixing a lot of random details together, which is what dreams often do.) Before I get up, I notice all the people in the photograph are now walking toward a storm cellar while looking back at the viewer now and then (Aueda being the last one in the line). The image is now actually moving like a film. Looking at the floor a little later, I see otherwise clear water with pink areas, much of it flowing out from under a table, and I wonder if someone had been ill, possibly bleeding, or had just spilled something. Marilyn (older deceased half-sister on my mother’s side) is present, though seems as she was in the 1960s. She says she had contacted someone about fixing the leak. She is standing against a table with her arms folded, firstly facing me, though I walk about looking at the pink water. As I look at her in profile as she faces left, I notice how her body and posture is impossibly distorted but I do not catch on that I am dreaming. I go into other rooms (which are unfamiliar). I see and clearly hear water flowing everywhere, most of it clear and no longer with pink areas. I see a large laundry basket full of clothes somehow filling up with water nearly to the top (which is impossible as it would just flow out through the large square holes in reality). I also see that the otherwise shallow flooding is going into a room where I supposedly have a number of my books and journals. I walk back where Marilyn is and loudly say, “Everything I have is being destroyed. Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?” Soon however, I realize I am dreaming and that I was liminally trying to return to deeper sleep (as water is my most common autosymbolism of dream state induction and reinduction, partly based, biologically, on the first months of life spent in the waters of the womb - in fact, I had been reading a comic book yesterday where a woman is pregnant and her waters break). I feel relief in waking up (though in reality, we did have a flood and rain inside the house when the roof was torn off last November and a lot of books were ruined, though not any of our journals).
More scraps... Scrap Group 1 Wandering round streets at night. For whatever reason, I climbed up some two-story high rock formations (very similar to those found in the Bronx), despite having footwear unsuited for the task. At the top, I noticed a toddler dangerously close to the edge, whom I guided away. Later visited a party in an apartment suite, where that kid and his family were guests. Eating potroast chicken. It wasn't done. Walking around a highly altered version of my town at night. I cut through an occupied park. I trying to avoid those there by keeping near a nearby lake, but found it was impossible to get through that way. A pre-teen and his dad blurted insults at me. Tried ignoring it, but was too frustrated. So, I went back to try to pick a fight with the dad, though a security guard passed by, and drove me off. Later, I find the shorter route home has been flooded. I feared going through the detour, as I "knew" a psychotic pimp roamed around there.
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