All DJ Entries

In this next clip, I am not included. However, I can see everything clearly through the lens of a video camera. I can tell I am watching a home video taken by a wife of her husband and son. They are on a yacht, sailing around in a little lake on a sunny day. The husband is sitting in a plastic lawn chair by the edge of the boat, but I can’t see his head. The camera is focused on his leg.
In his hand he holds a large knife. He stretches his leg out on the long chair, and makes a long, deep cut in his leg. Almost instantly his innards spill out of his leg like a bucket of chum being poured out, and it falls into the ocean, leaving a flappy skin-baggy leg behind. The man doesn’t stop there, he continues to mutilate himself. This time, he makes a wide gash across his stomach. Again, his guts and muscles and everything else pour out of him, leaving a skin bag stomach. The little son is crying and screaming in the background. “Daddy, please stop!” he shouts, but the father continues. “Whee, isn’t this fun?” says the mother.

I've been having this one a lot lately.
I am seventeen. There is nothing around me except darkness. Then, I can hear a woman screaming loudly. Suddenly I can see myself tackling someone to the ground and stabbing them violently in the back. Everything goes black again, but I can still hear the screaming. I’m not sure if it’s me, or the woman I was stabbing.

I am sitting on my bed watching television when my brother Erik bursts into my room. He stands there and says something to me that I can’t make out, it sounds like he is very far away. I stand up to get closer to hear what he says, when suddenly the door disappears. He looks back at where the door used to be, a look of surprise on his face. I turn around, and watch as my dresser moves in front of where the door used to be, all on its own. Then, a wooden chair comes from nowhere and floats towards me. It starts attacking me, beating me with itself. I scream and run towards where the door used to be. Erik screams and curls into a ball and lies on the floor.
The chair flings itself at me, but I duck and it smashes a hole in the wall. I run out through the hole into the living room. While I am running, I can feel something burning and cutting at my arms. I look, and twenty lit matches are slashing at my arms, singing my skin, causing burn scars. I fall to the floor and roll around screaming, trying to get the matches away. They keep attacking my arms. Suddenly Erik runs into the living room with a glass of water and starts to throw it on the matches. They are doused in water and fall lifeless to the ground.
I get up and look at my arms, realizing I am on fire. I drop to the floor again and roll around until I’m not on fire any more. But now, as I lie on the floor, a baseball bat starts to thwack me on the head. I try to get up, but I can’t move. It’s as if the matches put a curse on me. I soon pass out from being beaten.

I often have dreams of getting cancer. Unfortunately, this is pretty much the only one I remember well enough to type out.

I am twelve years old, and I am at my house, sitting on the couch, when suddenly, I feel excruciating pain in my left arm. It feels like my skin is being ripped off. I look down at my arm, and what I see makes me physically sick. My arm has turned black and blue, and it looks like it has been boiled. Then, as I watch, a giant blood cell shaped like a concave donut rises up from my veins, bulging under my skin. But it wants to keep growing. It grows larger and larger, and the skin gets vacuumed to the blood cell. It hurts so much I start to scream. Then, more blood cells rise up from the surface like some sort of pox. Little ones, big ones, medium sizes ones, hundreds of them, until my arm is a lumpy mass of blood cells.
I scream and run to my dad, holding my arm in my right hand. I run up to him and show it to him. He looks at it carefully, then says, “Hmm, I guess I’m gonna have to take you to the doctor. But for now, just push them down.” I try to push down on one, but it only slides between my skin and my muscle, ripping my skin off my muscles. I slowly slide it all the way around my arm. It slides under my bone and goes away. I keep doing this until I get to the doctor.
The doctor looks at my arm and says, “hmm, it appears you have skin cancer.” He pulls out a needle the size of a hammer and jams it into my arm. It feels like I’m being stabbed. He injects me with a liquid, and it makes the blood cells disappear. “They will come back until you have chemotherapy, but until then, just shoot it up when they come back.” He hands me the giant needle and walks out. In a matter of seconds the blood cells return. I inject myself but they just grow larger. They grow and grow until my arm bursts and everything goes black.

This is one of the dreams that still makes me sick to my stomach when i think about it. Another one is when I again had skin cancer, which caused my arms to grow wooly mammoth hair and my leg hairs to grow thick, rubbery, and hollow like rubber tubing.

This is my first entry in the Journal, so bare with me.

I am standing in front of my boyfriend Randy looking up at him telling him its our 5 year anniversary today. Im not really sure where we are but I know we are outside. He then looked down at me and said "ive been with 4 other women over the course of 5 years". At first I didn't understand what he had told me. I was confused. Then a sudden rush of emotion came over me. I started screaming at him. Screaming so hard in my dream that in real life i can feel all the muscles in my body tense up. My heart is beating fast and im breathing heavily. I dont wake up yet. Im screaming at him with tears in my eyes asking him why he would do this to me. Randy shows no emotion. Just staring at me. Then says "didn't think you would mind". I then repeated his sentence as a question. "I cant believe you would do this to me". I then wake up. Not being able to breath. My chest hurts. My body feels stiff. I quickly fall right back asleep into the same dream. This time I'm inside a building where it seems we are having a party for me and Randys Anniversary. My immediate family is there. I sit down at a table next to my mom. She is very happy. Smiling at me she talks about the food thats being served at the party. She got up from the table to get more food and comes back with a boiled egg. I remember staring at the egg as she ate it. And she said " I just had to have an egg". She then turns into Randy. My mom is now behind me standing over me. She hands Randy a gift. Wrapped in blue and red wrapping paper with a musical card attached. She opens the card. A song starts to play but he quickly shuts it like he is embarrassed that it plays a song. I cant remember the song now but I did recognize it in the dream. He then hands it to me. I open the card and say "you might as well let it play". I read the card, though i cant remember what it said now but I do remember it was addressed from my dad. I started to cry and handed the gift back to Randy. Which he then turned back into my mom. Mom kept smiling at me even though I was crying. I then woke up with sadness. I rolled over in bed to see Randy in deep sleep next to me. A feeling came over me of great anger towards him. I almost felt like I couldn't tell if this was reality or a dream again. I didn't know if what he told me in my dream was real or not. Did he really do that or was that in my dream. I got up and went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. Came back and went to bed.

Had another dream soon after I closed my eyes.

I was floating above my parents house. I could see that the roof needed repair. The shingles where half missing and there is a huge hole in the roof where the kitchen is. I could see all the installation inside. Now im back on the ground walking up the steps into the house. I tell my mother there is a hole in the roof. She says she already knows. She then takes me outside. I follow behind her to the back of the house. She takes a few pieces of siding off the house to reveal a hole. She climbs in first. I climb in after her. It was wet and moldy. I remember smelling the mold. I see installation and wood from the frame of the house. I see the sun coming thru the whole in the roof. My mother then fades away and its just me. I see a pond that was formed from rain water coming in through the roof. I see a dark shadow past by me. It was fast. I felt afraid. I look back at the pond and see a white and orange calico cat walk up to the pond and drink out of it. I pointed and said "here kitty kitty" The cat ignored me. I then crawled back out of the spot to see my mom waiting for me. I then wake up from the dream.