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Long dreams but poor recall again. Dream vividness/in-dream detail has been fairly high.

29th December 2020

Fragment:

Was getting out of a house, getting ready to go somewhere. I climb some roof or something like and for some reason I get something really bad in my left leg, it's very painful. My leg gets amputated below the knee.

Then I'm in a classroom? I walk around, dealing with phantom limb sensations. I tell some therapist I'll try the mirror box theory later when I get a chance, to try and teach my leg/brain that things are different now. I see B from school and talk to him about some drawings he'd made.

The phantom limb can somehow still hold or move a sandal at the end of where my foot would actually be. I can see the old missing bit of my leg, as if it was phasing in and out.

30th December 2020

Dream, fragmented:

Driving on a motorway/highway. J and my siblings talking to me in a street? I'm in a city of some kind, it's day time. It seems quiet but not overly so, just like not a lot of people actually live here or lead peaceful lives. J was comforting me in some kind of parental way, but I don't remember about what.

At some point my view changes and it becomes top-down. Things look a bit like Factorio. I launch a nuke ICBM from a silo and after going up out of sight it comes back down only a few structures away from the silo. The silo is OK after this but most of the rest in the area gets destroyed; robots quickly start replacing most of it and I try to manually place some alternate structures.

(transition gap)

At a castle, there with mom and T. We take a walk around the outer area of the castle, close to the walls. At some point I climb up some tower. It's really high up and I can see the sky and the sun, as well as distant mountains. Sunset.

Later in the same area, something about a couple of roofers. I take away a couple of carrier bags and T helps me. I ask if they have some drinks because I'm taking the cola away with me. I accidentally lose grip and drop the carrier bag with it down a flight of worn stone stairs. I don't worry and let out an "oops". T gets slightly upset, or annoyed.

Then at ground level in an inner courtyard area. I look around and see limestone? yellow-ish stone, into which there are relief carvings and sculptures. I feel compelled to clean these carefully, they're covered in moss and general dirt.

(transition gap)

Then I'm on a bus with aunt B and mom. B is telling a story about ravines in Germany and how they are very popular attractions. The bus driver is sort of at the middle/back of the bus. It has a weird layout but looks standard otherwise. I think the driver struggles with seeing where he's going and it feels like there's a lot of traffic around us. It's an overcast day but I remember we go through a tunnel at some point. I remember seeing the ravines my aunt was on about, but partly in my mind, but as vividly as if real?

(then, many fragments)

Views of animated scenes with M/M themes. I think something to myself, a kind of feeling of envy (about the authors?) but the specifics are lost. I look up images of Zor'Drak for some reason. The same themes again, explicit in some cases. One picture is of him with an open maw and a tiny creature on his tongue, pleasuring itself; they both seem to be enjoying the activity. There's a light and warm glow coming from deeper inside the mouth. The description mentions "Ezekiel" and it seems this has something to do with the smaller character.

Dream - Lucid

I was at my old apartment, and a younger guy was living there. He looked to be about 20 or so, and had long, very curly dirty blonde hair. He was talking about how small the beds were at the apartment, and I agreed with him, telling him that I had to sleep on a pull-out couch, and Courtney C. had to scoot two beds together. I also told him that I got my own room to sleep in, while she had to sleep elsewhere in the apartment, even though she had her own room.

I then remember having to work. It was supposed to be at where I'm currently working, but I was having to greet people as they were entering this bungee jump ride. It was kind of like a video game at this point; it makes me think of Animal Crossing. Some of the people looked like they were made in that art style. Anyway, to greet them, I had to "click"on them, and they would say "Thank you!" in a little voice. It took me awhile to figure out how to greet them. Being greeted made them happy, and gave me points.

I then went back to my old apartment to sleep. I had to get up again in 4 hours to go back to work and work another 4 hours doing something else. When I walked in, the curly guy was in the living room fixing something. I thought that he was lucky that he didn't have to work a split shift. I went and took my Ambien to go to sleep, and laid down in the bed.

Then, I woke up for work again. I couldn't remember what my task that night was. I was thinking customer service, but that didn't seem right. I got there, and then remembered: I needed to go to the hospital. It was my due date for my baby. So I went there, which it just so happened to be where work was, and went into this room that had a hospital exam table, a hospital bed, a TV that had the news turned on, and 3 or so other pregnant women sitting in it. It was a kind of holding area for pregnant women who may go into labor. My mom was there with me. Apparently, I wasn't actually due for another two weeks and was having signs of early labor, so they wanted to monitor me. If I showed signs of labor, they would have to do an emergency C-section.

Then, it was just me and the pregnant women in the room. I was wondering if it would be alright for them to give me pain medicine even though I'd already had an ambien 4 hours prior. I laid down on the bed and watched the TV a little bit. I also remember seeing my reflection in something at some point, and thinking to myself that I didn't look pregnant, and I hadn't looked it when I had my daughter a few years ago either. I wondered what happened to her; my mom had adopted her, but I hadn't heard about her in awhile. I figured my mom had adopted her out to another family. I thought to myself that I should remember what happened to my daughter.

Then, I started to feel something dripping down my leg. I looked and saw a bit of blood. I then had the urge to lay down on my back and start pushing; I felt a twinge in my belly urging me to do so. So I started to lay on my back, and thought to myself
I was so glad that she shared her pain pills with me.
It sounded like I was narrating what was happening to me. I'm not sure who gave me pain pills or when, I just know it was one of the expectant mothers in the room.
I then felt the pain pills; I felt woozy and high, but no pain. The nurses rushed in and said they were going to put me under for the C-section. I said something back, but I don't remember what. They said it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't remember. They put the mask to my face to put me out, and I breathed it in a few times. I was then out like a light.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the room again, but things had calmed down. I got up out of the bed, even though I knew I probably wasn't supposed to. I was careful not to exert myself too much since I had just had a C-section. I held the area on my tummy where the stitches were. The room was empty now; I was alone in it. I wanted to know where my baby was, if it was a boy or girl, if it was even alive...

The doctor eventually came in to talk to me. They said that the baby was alive, it was a boy, but they had to amputate one of his legs.
"Was the cord wrapped around it?" I asked, thinking for sure that was what it had to be.
"No, it was because of a birth factor," said the doctor.
He then explained birth factors to me, and they run on a sliding scale back and forth, and whatever the factor is on when the birth happens determines if the baby has anything wrong with them or not. My birth factor had been high, while a low one would have also been bad. It was ideally supposed to be in the middle.

The fact that my child had a severed leg made me remember all the dreams I've had about having to get a leg or foot amputated, or about seeing people with prosthetic limbs (IWL this actually is a very common dream theme for me, though it hasn't been lately until last night). I then wondered if it was the Ambien that I had taken all throughout my pregnancy that caused this.

Anyway, I was so glad that my baby was alive, despite the leg. I knew I would love him just the same, and raise him like he did not have a defect. I walked into the nursery to see him. He was in a chamber at the very end of the room that had caution tape taped around the inside of it. Below the chamber was a bucket with two severed legs in it, although my child had only had one amputated. They almost looked like baby doll legs. There was a little blood. I wondered if that was just the holding chamber for severed legs.

I then was back in the holding area, and my husband came in. He was excited that I had had the baby! He asked if it was a boy or girl, and I said boy. His face lit up, and he got really excited. I had never seen him so excited about anything! I then told him about the leg. It seemed to slightly temper his excitement, but he was, like me, just glad the baby was ok. I imagined holding the baby, and putting him on my shoulders to play with him. I wondered if it would be different to do so because he had one leg.

I was then shopping with my mom at Kohl's for some baby supplies. I knew I needed bottles, so I went and found a package of three colored bottles that had Disney character head cut-outs at the nipple. I saw Mickey and Donald, but noticed that the third bottle was missing. I then picked up the package, and noticed that the Donald bottle had water in it. I told my mom that I had wanted to get those, but not if they had been used and were missing a bottle. I didn't see any more, either; it appeared to be the last one.

Wow, this dream was so vivid. Again, barely any sleep, but when I did sleep, holy crap. Definitely a memorable dream.

Dream - Lucid

I was laying on a hospital bed. I had just gotten my right leg amputated below a bit below the knee. Interestingly enough, in the dream, I had gotten it amputated before this, and given a metal prosthesis, but then, they put my real leg back on after only a few days. I "remembered" something about being with the old manager of the coffee shop I used to work at, Andrew, with my old prosthetic leg, before they put my real, organic leg back. But now, they had to amputate it again. They had already put the metal prosthetic leg on me as well. I'm not sure what the purpose of all these leg procedures was, but I knew they were necessary.

I was walking around with this new prosthesis. It felt weird, like I was still feeling the ground below my prosthetic foot through a phantom limb or something, though the feeling was a bit "muted" and off. I figured I'd get used to it with time.

I was worried about having a prosthetic leg, just because it was, well, a prosthetic leg and not my real one, but I pictured myself in shorts, wearing it with confidence. It was a really cool thought! I knew that I'd make it through just fine.

I then walked by my brother, who apparently, also had the procedure done; he too had a prosthetic leg. I think he was playing with some Legos or some kind of action figures. I asked him how he was holding up, and he said embarrassingly, or just not so well, something negative; he was not handling having the prosthetic well.

Throughout the dream, I walked on the prosthetic leg, each time feeling the oddness of my "phantom" foot as the prosthesis hit the ground. It was like I could still feel the leg, though it was gone.

Leg amputation is quite the common dream theme for me, though it has been awhile since it's recurred. An odd dream theme to be sure; I'm curious as to what it could be implying.

I am lost in a coniferous forest somewhere in snowy northern Canada. I have been lost for a long time, wandering in the endless frozen forest, and the cold is starting to effect my body in seriously adverse ways. My left hand, from the wrist, has turned completely black from frostbite and my legs have been numb for hours, thoughI still force myself to stumble through the snow because for I have a false believe that if I keep moving that things will get better or I will be found or something.

Another night comes and the moon is the biggest and the fullest I have ever seen before. It is so bright in fact that I can find my way through the forst as if it were day time. I cannot see what it is but I hear foot falls in the snow behind me and know that I am being followed by a wild animal. Many days and nights pass and my body is sucumbing more to the cold. The animal that has been following me is still around but I have no yet seen what it is, though I suspect that it is waiting for me to die. One day I collapse in the snow exhausted finally reigned to my inevitable fate and wait for the wild animal to come and eat me.

I lift my tired head and see a light grey wolf slowing making its way to me. The wolf is very think and weak looking and I can see the outline of its ribs and the creature seems to be starving terribly, though it is not threatening me and seems more curious than anything. I figure I am going to die anyway so I pull a pocket knife out and cut off my frostbitten hand and toss it towards the wolf then immediately pass out. I wake up at night and find myself alone. I don't know where the wolf went and cannot see if it ate my hand because it is too dark. I find the strength to stand up and begin wandering again, more out of boredom than anything because I don't think I am going to be saved and I am essentially just passing the time until I do. I am so cold and so tired that I no longer actually feel the cold that much anymore, let alone think about it.

Something happens one day though the dream becomes fuzzy and I cannot remember exactly what. I think a bear or a group of evil hunter men came upon me and attack me but I am saved my the light grey wolf that had been following me before. The wolf chases away my attacks and then has to drag me away from there, by the collar of my coat, through the forest because my body is so tired and damaged by the cold that I can no longer walk. I don't know how long the wolf dragged me but it felt like a long time. I pass in and out of consciousness for days and in one moment of clarity I talk to the wolf and believe it can understand me (partly loneliness, partly delerium) and tell him that when I die that he has my permission to eat my body because I know that it is still starving. I pass out again right after.

I wake up in a hospital bed. I know I am still in the north because I can see a snowstorm raging outside of my hospital window. It is night and everything is quiet and I am trying to wrap my mind around how I survived in the frozen north for so long. I also wonder about the starving wolf and feel bad that I did not die so that he would have something to eat. I lay awake for a long time because my mind is ruminating about so many things and the thoughts of my experience begin to overwhelm me when a nurse with sort curly hair in pink scrubs comes in and says that the doctor will be in shortly. After some time passes an elderly Native American aboriginal chief dressed in a leather vest and a coyboy hat comes in and tells me that I am lucky to be alive and he asks me about the details of my ordeal.

I tell him everything I remember happening including being saved by the starving wolf and the doctor tells me that I am mistaken. He says that I was found by the side of the road in one peice and that they had to amputate my hand because of the frostbite damage after I was brought to the hospital. I argue with the doctor and tell him that I am so sure that it all really happened. The doctor tells me that I was suffering from delerium from the cold and that I probably hallucinated the whole thing. I feel kind of at a loss because I am not sure how to feel but the doctor tells me that I probably did meet a wolf in the frozen north and that it guided me out of the forest because in Native American aboriginal legend, the wolf is a protector and a guide for lost soles.

After the docotr leaves I stare out of the window for a long time, trying to come to terms with what I though was real and what I was told really happen. Through the blowing snow outside I can see something move and when it comes close to the window I can see that it is the starving wolf that saved me, though it no longer looks like it is starving. The wolf looks at me for a moment than runs off into the snowstorm and the dream ends there.