All DJ Entries

At a hotel, fancy one.

Some big guy walks up, looking like a white dog or bear? Tries to scare me. I tell him he's not scary. I also ask who he is.

We move outdoors, he keeps telling me he's Eniku? Or something? "Eniku, Eniku, Eniku..." He won't tell me any other name.

I can't figure out what he's smoking or why he's sitting in the middle of a grassy field, obviously trying to make a statement... but what that statement is, I don't know.

So I decided to try a WILD for the first time last night. I planned it all out before I went to bed, setting my alarm and deciding what I would do when I woke up. It was all going well, I woke up at 5:00, went to the bathroom, and went to the fridge to grab the bottle of apple juice I bought the night before. I then went back to bed, and tried a few of the techniques I learned from Dream Views. I found it was very easy for me to relax, and the whole process happened very quickly. I heard some strange noises and saw weird patterns as I entered the dream. I wasn’t as lucid as I expected to be, and I had very little control of the dream. It was like I was Mario from a video game, and I had to do certain tasks. Anyway, It went ok and I woke up from the dream at 5:30 and went back to bed. Then this morning, I open my fridge and see my bottle of apple juice still there, right where I left it the night before. Suddenly I realized that I never got out of my bed at all, that drinking the apple juice was already part of my dream. So I guess I woke up at 5:00, and then fell back asleep and started dreaming it all. But the WILD felt so real, and I had never had one before so I didn’t know what to expect. It was a confusing experience, but I'm definitely looking forward to experimenting more.

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Will begin posting tomorrow.

6-15-12 (non-lucid): I was on the edge of a forest, and I was listening to some teenagers talking, no recollection of what they were talking about, but one of them saw me and I turned around and ran through a field towards an outcropping of trees. They soon caught up, there were five or six of them, and they had guns pointed at me. I ran straight through their group and while I ran towards a log cabin in the distance I could hear bullets being fired. I got to the cabin and T. and D.J. said something about shots being fired and I told them it wasn’t that big of a deal and I walked outside and got in a car and the person started the car and drove through a forest path and I don’t know why, but he drove into a lake and he got out and I panicked and couldn’t get out so I started yelling and I was then able to open the door and I got out and dragged myself onto the edge of the shore and woke up.

In which I have a nightmare that I'm pregnant with an almost full-term baby with fetal alcohol syndrome...

I’m at K’s Memorial Day BBQ, chatting with H. She tells me that you can continue to ovulate for months after you are pregnant, so even if you have periods and negative pregnancy tests, you might still be pregnant. The only way to find out for sure is to have a special type of blood test done.

Then I’m at the doctor and he confirms that I am, indeed, pregnant. This is wholly unexpected and I start to feel the anxiety and disbelief common to stress dreams. How can this be? I relate that I’ve done quite a bit of binge drinking over the past few months, and I ask him if this could have affected the child. He scans my head with a device that looks like Dr. McCoy’s medical scanner, and an image of my cerebellum pops up on a screen. It is floating in alcohol. The doctor shakes his head in disgust. There is an infant curled up and sleeping in a branch of the cerebellum’s arbor vitae.

“Fetal alcohol syndrome for sure,” the doctor says. I cry and say that I had no idea I was pregnant. The doctor just shrugs his shoulders.

I imagine my future: decades of care-giving to a disabled child. I’ll never be able to work again. I see a life of special education tuition, ARDS, temper tantrums, speech delays, a fragmented personality… I can’t do it. I tell the doctor I want an abortion.

“Too late. You’re seven months.” I’m thunderstruck. Seven months? Again, I feel the confusion of dream anxiety. How can this be? How have I screwed things up so horribly? My mind races for an explanation, and finding none, instead starts plotting an escape. I’m pro-choice and have no belief in souls or divine plans. I’ve studied enough anatomy and physiology not to shed tears over zygotes, embryos and early stage fetuses. But a nearly full-term pregnancy? Well, that’s different.

At least it should be different. Yet I don't feel any of the things I should be feeling. Could I really murder a viable baby? I search my feelings on the matter. It should fill me with horror, but instead the only thing I think of is my need to escape. This situation doesn’t make any sense. How can this be?

I sit on the cold metal examination table in my hospital gown and wonder about the strangeness of everything. How can this be? How can I not feel anything toward this baby? How can I have not known I was pregnant? When was I binge drinking? I don’t remember binge drinking.

I don’t remembering binge drinking.

I don’t remember binge drinking because I didn’t do it. Because this isn’t real. Because I’m dreaming! That’s the escape!

Then I wake up, sweaty and scared.