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This dream took place in my childhood home. People from the government were in my living room and I had some trash I needed to discard. In an attempt to toss it in the trash, I accidentally threw it at one of the government workers, a shorter blonde woman. Immediately, she turned around and said she was going to kill me. I asked her if it was because I was trans and if she really thought I was evil and she said yes to both. Cut to me in a black van with her and another blonde-haired stockier white woman. I saw them driving towards a lake and that's approximately when I realized they were trying to drown me by driving in there. They got out of the car and swam up to the surface, failing to lock the car doors so that I could drown properly. In attempting to leave the lake, I was grabbed by the arm.

In another part of the dream I was being treated without humanity. Several people entered my room, escorted by one of the government agents, with the intent to rent it out. This I believe is inspired by the fact that at one point when I was still living in Sacramento, A family was invited by the landlord into our house while we were still living there with the interest in purchasing it. Most of the people called me He and treated me as an animal that was simply inhabiting the room they intended on living in. I tried hiding my face with my phone so as to perhaps avoid being clocked as trans, but I suppose by then the mass dehumanization of trans people had already happened. My first thought was "what the fuck? How am I gonna make music and art or have privacy? This is deliberate psychological torture". Most of the potential renters left and the person who remained was a white dude with pink hair and a scraggly, brown beard. He still treated me like a subhuman creature, but he gave me attention and a degree of dignity despite still misgendering me and let me snuggle up to him while he was in a chair. I begged him to not let them know too much about me as by this point I had already confided in him far too much. He said he could try but he seemed incredibly hesitant, perhaps a queer person trying in vain to appeal to the regime. I became desperate and tried putting my arms around him and right as I was about to close in, my eyes opened and I immediately woke up at 5:30am to my empty room in the bay area that I reside in now.

While this dream is an encapsulated snapshot of my current issues, such as my anxiety about trans genocide and fascism, my attachment and trust issues, and my trauma surrounding being poor and abused by capitalism, it was also, in retrospect, kinda fucking hilarious in a lot of other ways. Like dude at least lock the car like what the fuck. Who taught you how to kill trannies?

All in all, reflecting on this dream makes me feel more hopeful about the future and reminds me of the fact that while I definitely know we're gonna suffer, the american empire will absolutely collapse in my lifetime, even if they get me in a year. An empire collapses every 250 years.

Ghost dream
There is something involving ghosts happening. I feel an intense fear at some point. Towards the end of the dream one of my cats, Dori, apparently tells me about how she just thought ghosts approached her and it seems she is traumatized.

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- There is also a memory associated that is likely to be related to another dream. There is a bunch of dreams that I keep remembering from months to many years ago, usually with recurring places. Maybe I should just document those as well under unknown date?
Well, the memory is that of a dark corridor. I might have been exploring some sort of cellar of a school or something, and there is an intense and totally unnaturally sinister feeling associated with it. I've explored this across many dreams multiple times, and it's always been associated with a strong curiosity but a deep sinister feeling breaking my courage and me stopping my attempt and getting out of the strange, windy, and tight cellar at the last moment before something would've caught me, and always shutting an extremely thick, heavy steel door with a sort of airtight turning mechanism. But honestly, I can't say I don't like these dreams. Nightmares are more interesting than anything for me, there's always something interesting going on, and it's rare something actually scares me in any way I wouldn't want.

I wonder... why don't dreams traumatize us? The nightmares I've had this past week were so profoundly awful, if these scenarios happened to someone for real, it would surely cause deep emotional and mental damage. Murder, being murdered, horrible torture, frightening 'hauntings', ... stuff that really makes your stomach turn. Yet when I wake up, it takes only a good 10-20 seconds for the fear and horror to 'wear off', and then it's like nothing ever happened.

Does it have to do with memory? Dreams are generally easily forgotten, but even the ones I still remember perfectly (like when I've just woken up) feel like they're immediately covered in a kind of "haze" that robs them of their power over me.

Or is it just that we consciously know the events weren't real (those aspects of higher consciousness are generally turned off during regular dreaming), and when our consciousness 'boots up' after waking, it dispels the hold the dream has over us?

I had this thought because I realized I must have died a million times at this point in a million different ways, and have been hunted down by more demons than there are in Hell. But when I wake, all is hunky-dory.

I'm in some kind of apartment, a rather crappy looking one. For some reason, I was getting shot at. It all felt very raw and "realistic" (the bullet impacts into the walls and doors). There were several armed persons, and I was armed myself. I opted to stay in the doorway for cover. I had an ally, a fellow I know from real life called Victor. He's... absolutely not suited for this role. He's peaceful, a scientist and gay. I'm pretty sure he abhors violence. Not this version! Victor, also armed, rushed in and pulled a Leeroy Jenkins on me. He actually killed several perps, with gun and/or bare hands (smashing them into walls!). But this spree didn't last, as he was violently shot dead. It looked awful. I continued the fight, until only a black kid aged 8-10 was left... he was armed too, and kept shooting at me. He left me no choice. I shot him in the head. It was a mess. I had a bit of a mental breakdown, asking the dead kid why he forced me to do this.

A group of people, including me, running. It was night? We run past a trailer/RV. In third person, I saw a man I recognized, perhaps a former colleague, walking through some curtains into his trailer. He engaged several persons in a gunfight. He fought valiantly, but was shot from the side and killed.

War scene. I was in a trench, preparing for an upcoming battle along with the other soldiers. The weapons were guns I recognized from the Vietnam era, an M14 and an AK with collapsible stock. The battle started when we charged the enemy. Now it gets weird. I may have died a few times, but every time the scene "reset" to just before the battle. Like in the movie "Edge of Tomorrow". I remember being crouched in the mud, seeing death and destruction all around me, and feeling... traumatized? In a later attempt, I think I tried to escape the scene. I'd actually memorized where most of the hostiles would be coming from, and what they would try if they spotted me. I entered a small warehouse-like room, and saw two hostiles. They were talking and hadn't spotted me yet. I tossed a grenade. That's the last I remember.

BLACK: Regular
BLUE: Dream
RED: Notes
PURPLE: Quote (specific words I remember clearly)
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I'm not quite sure how this dream started or ended.
Date: November 30th, 2013
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I was in a hospital [ it looked like one I'd been in before ]. It was quiet, which made me feel very uncomfortable. It didn't seem right. A man [ He appeared to be in his early/mid 20's and had brown hair, young face, was tall, thin, and had dark eyes. He seemed very familiar ] grabbed my arm and pulled me away from where I was. He mentioned something to a woman by me [ I believe she was a nurse like figure, but I'm not sure ] about "finding all the pretty girls in the hospital and raping the f-ck out of them." [ I don't think he thought that I'd heard him. That, or he didn't care if I did or not. ] I began feeling incredibly nervous, but I hid it to the best of my ability. We passed my family [ always female members from my mother's side or my father. None of them ever noticed me, save my father. He glanced at me but said and did nothing ] two times. Some time along the way I mentioned something about "not wanting to be treated this way again." The man looked at me and we sat on some stairs [ the "nurse" woman stood off the the side. The stairs were hard stone ] and he asked me, "You've been raped before?" [ those words rang in my head over and over when I woke up ] I mentioned something about being a virgin but that I'd been sexually abused in the past [ this is true. I have been ]. He raised his eyebrow and almost seemed to feel sorry for me. I thought he'd let me go. Suddenly, he pulled me to my feel and literally dragged me to a room [ more details on the room below ] that looked like both a physical therapy facility and an x-ray/CT scan room. He had the nurse take me to a machine on the far right side of the room. I faced the closed end of it. The man said "We're making sure you won't get pregnant. STAND STILL!" I was shaking violently by this point. I was scared. He had the nurse woman spread my arms out and made me stand holding some bars on either side of me. After this, the man literally growled and tore me away from the machine. He took of my jacket [ it was red ] , leaving me in my tank top [ grey ], jeans, and socks. I noticed my dad outside the room and I told the nurse to shut the door. She did this. The man pushed me onto my back [ I landed on another machine that was on the floor. I hit my back on two bars ] and I crossed my legs over each other and put my arms over my chest. I started pleading with him. "Please, please don't!" I cried over and over [ I was literally crying ]. The man towered over me and he ripped his shirt off and started trying to take my clothes off. I kicked at him and screamed repeatedly. Eventually, I think, I got so afraid that I just woke up. The ending is blurry.
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NOTES:
About the room-
It was on the top floor in the west side of the building. The sun was setting outside the single window which had blinds over it. The room was cold. The colors were desaturated, but there was blue and white all around me -ironically my school colors-. There were various "machines" strewn about. The door that I saw my dad out of was on the right side of the room right next to the machine I stood by. The door was a flimsy plywood sliding door that had no lock. The only light in the room came from that one window. It was dark-ish

Various notes-
I remember that I didn't scream for my dad's help because I didn't want him to see me so vulnerable. I would rather be raped than have him see me like that.

No one seemed to notice what the man was saying. The nurse never spoke or made any noise.

The man was very familiar and was rough, then gentle, then rough.

My dad looked through me when he gazed my way.

All I could think about when I woke up was the mysterious man who'd made me do something sexual (no details because I don't want to say it) when I was 5 years old.

Around the time I started to faze out from the dream, I remember that the man looked animalistic. He also started to "melt." His image literally just began to melt.

I remember my dad (after the whole ordeal, probably) saying something like "Oh I never wanted this to happen again. It's like 10 years ago."


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If you can offer any help here, I'd appreciate it. This dream hits home in too many ways. I've had more and more dreams like this one, lately, It's as though my subconscious is trying to make me see something.

08.09.2013

Her Family Jewels Are Still Intact...Wait..Her What??? (DILD)

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID

Boy, me talking about the lucidity at the right time in the dream journal entry I had yesterday?

I don't even know anymore. I just can't have the decency to describe this dream in long detail.






[18+] This isn't even that graphic in the first place. I just state a word or two, and whatever imagery you come up with it is YOUR fault, not mine man.I'm exiting a room and I'm going into a hallway, and I encounter a female that's sitting on a desk and is working on a computer. For some odd reason,

Spoiler for You Wot M8?:

I just decided to grope her butt. Because, why the hell not?!?! LUCID DREAM. FREE SEX? HNNNNGHHH.

I started saying things I don't want to state here, and then she complies and starts going into the spread eagle position, and I get more grope-y with her vagina.

And then suddenly,

It's not a vagina.


One lump.

Two Lumps.

One bigger lump.

Family Jewels.

Houston we have a problem.

Then when I'm trying to get out of this situation, she gives me fellatio. So I decided to just wake up and just....you know, try to cope with what happened just now.

I will admit she could've gave the best fellatio. You want to know how hard it is to get out of a situation like that? She wanted to do it man, she wanted to do it, her nails were already skin deep man.

Why

Why.

Why.

WHY COULDN'T YOU INSERT THE RIGHT GENITALIA!!@#$%^&