nightmare

Dream - Lucid

I was in what looked like my mom's car. I was parked somewhere, in a driveway I think, and I was sitting in the passenger's side seat. Someone, I think it was Dakota and I had no idea where he came from, handed me a phone, not sure if it was mine or his, but he said there was a "7-page text" on the phone. He handed it to me, and the text was from Austin, an ex. It was a very long message, and all I remember about what it said was
"Tear down two walls and build one up.", something along those lines. I think he was trying to break ties with me or something, but in a nice way.

I remember having another message or something, but I can't remember who it was from.

I then fell asleep in the car. I woke up and it was nighttime outside. Two guys were knocking on the car door. I opened it, and one of them asked me if I'd take the other one home. The guy that he wanted me to take home looked crazy, kind of like the guy that reappears in my nightmares (messy, medium-length brown hair, crazy look in his eye). I told him no. I tried to shut the door, but the guy with the crazy guy held it open. The crazy guy got halfway in the car and started trying to talk to me, I don't remember what he said. I shut the door, but they opened it again. I finally shut them out just in time for some more people to try to force their way into the car. I got in the driver's side seat to try to drive away. I was really scared.

At this point, I knew I was dreaming for a second and tried to wake myself up. I blacked out, I may have woken up for a second even. I was then in the car again, and Kacey was there outside the car. I told her about what happened with the people trying to get in the car, and Kacey said
"You can be here until 5:30."
I said I knew, but I couldn't stay with all those people trying to break into the car.

I decided I was hungry, and needed to go get some food. I stopped at Panera Bread. They closed at 9, and it was 8:45. I saw that they were trying to close up. They had already taken their soups off and everything. Even so, there was a line. I stood in line and waited for my turn. I remember the guy at the register was being a complete smartass to everyone. I figured it was because they were about to close, and there were still people ordering food.

I got to the register, and it was now about 8:50 or so. I was trying to decide what to order. I said something to the guy about them closing. He said something about some supervisor being there to interview him. Apparently, he wasn't going to be at that job for much longer, so he was just being a smartass to everyone because he could. He said something smart to me, I don't remember what. I'm pretty sure I didn't order anything there. I went to go find another Panera, one that closed later. I remember going into another one. I think they closed at 10 instead of 9.

~

I remember being at Subway, ordering a sandwich. The lady taking my order was a bigger black lady. She looked like she wasn't very happy. I ordered a veggie sandwich (my usual at Subway in waking life ). She got to the veggie bar and asked what I wanted. I listed things off.
"Spinach...banana peppers..."
She slowly built my sandwich. I then told her I wanted black pepper and vinegar. She started to put salt on the sandwich, stopped, poured some salt on the cutting board to see if it was salt or pepper, and then said
"Oops."
She put pepper on it. Then, she started to put mayo on it, which I hadn't asked for. She put a little on it, then figured out her mistake and again said
"Oops."
I said it was ok, I'd eat it anyway. She gave me the sandwich. I sat down and scraped the mayo off, and took off any veggies that had mayo on them.

~

I remember walking down to the beach. It was a nice day outside. I walked down some stairs, and saw the back of Jarrod's (an ex) head. He was sitting on the stairs and wearing a grey hat. I almost walked past him, but decided to get his attention. I ruffled his hair/hat as I walked by and said
"Hey Jarrod!"
I thought he'd ignore me or not respond, but he said
"Hey Krista.", and we talked for awhile.
I remember his voice sounded different from what I remember (we haven't spoken in over a year in waking life). As I talked to him, I noticed his hair got shorter.

Not In The Face!
I am in a strange place, it looks kind of like a scene from Assassin's Creed. I am not alone here, MoSh is here with me. There is also a woman here, though she is off to the side a ways. A man comes into the area, I don't recognize him, but it seems MoSh recognizes him. MoSh is instantly pissed off at him. MoSh gets in the guy's face and starts yelling at him. The man does't act like he really cares if MoSh is mad or not. That's before MoSh starts beating the shit out of the guy. MoSh says he is going to punch the man in the face once for each time he has or will make Sam cry, and he then he begins pounding the man's face to a bloody pulp.

Carnivore Floor
It is as if I am watching this dream from a third person perspective rather than participating in it. It is night time in a nondescript house, and I hear a woman scream. A large reptilian creature is dragging a woman down a hallway from some bedrooms. There is a man chasing after the creature, though he seems to be chasing in slow motion. He is calling after the creature to stop. I finally see that the man is running so slowly because he is sinking into the floor like deep sand. Then he steps into a hole in the floor. The hole is filled with razor sharp teeth. It bites the man's foot off. The man falls over and the floor is waiting for him to land in a much larger hole filled with millions of teeth. The man's scream is cut off my a crunching noise, then he hole closes. I am still looking at the floor when a small hole opens and issues a burp before the scene fades to black like the end of a movie.

Eat Me!
I am in a small house that I don't recognize. I look around, I think I am there to gather evidence of child molestation going on there. I know I'm not supposed to be there, so I am staying hidden as I search for clues. For some kind of incriminating evidence. Maybe the pervert video taped it. I end up at a bedroom. There is a rather fat balding guy sitting on a bed next to a young girl. He has his hand on her thigh. She pulls away. I have caught him in the act! But he sees me! He says I am a sweet little thing. I realize I am a child. The girl tells me to run. The man comes over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. He says a sweet thing like me can't be out alone. He pulls down his pants and pulls out his penis, he asks if I want to lick his candy. Too bad for him he didn't realize I'm in a sick and twisted mood. The girl says I'd better take a lick or he'd be mad. I'm a freak, though. My teeth are like a shark. I don't lick... I bite. And rip the thing right off, spitting it to the side. He is screaming in pain. I tell him I like his candy... I'll have more... I'll take it all... With my shark teeth I rip him open and watch him bleed out while the girl is crying beside me. I tell her that is the fate of such evil.

False Awakening
A man gets out of bed and stretches. He is a young looking man with dark hair. As he gets up I see there is a woman sharing his bed. She pretends to be sleeping, but she is awake and silently crying. I wonder what happened. The man walks from the room an into a hallway that seems to go on forever. He seems surprised at that, but he walks down the hall a short ways. He looks back and sees the bedroom door is gone. The walls are melting, hands are reaching out and grabbing him. He can't move. The hands grow claws and start rending the flesh from his bones. He is screaming in pain until he wakes up in bed, next to the woman, breathing hard.

Another False Awakening
The man looks at the woman lying beside him. The woman pretends to be asleep, but she is silently crying. The man notices she is crying and tells her to quit whining. She belongs to him, that is final. She says she isn't crying about having to be with him. He asks why the fuck is she crying, then? She says she is crying for him... for the horrible painful death he had experienced. He asks what the fuck she is talking about. She pauses, then says she was mistaken. She is crying for him for the horrible painful death he is about to experience. She transforms into a strange creature with lots of teeth and bites his hand. He seems paralyzed. She says she doesn't like it when her dinner squirms. She begins on his right leg, leisurely eating him while he can barely issue groans of pain. He wakes in bed to his own voice, "NOOOOO!"

Are You Awake Yet?
The same man sits up and looks at the woman beside him. He involuntarily cringes. He gets up and leaves the room quickly. He pauses in the doorway and then continues. He goes into the bathroom and splashes water in his face. He sees a face in the mirror that is not his own. He mutters something in a different language that sounds like a prayer. The face in the mirror speaks English for a bit and says the penalties for the man's crimes is death. The man stumbles back and leaves the room. The bathroom door leads outside into blazing sunlight. There are beautiful harem women all around. The man is told he is in his eternal afterlife. He drools over the women and tries to touch one. She pushes him away. All the women start yelling at him in a foreign language, throwing rocks at him. They are chanting death, death, death! He is surrounded by beautiful harem women throwing rocks of ever increasing size. One woman knocks him down. They all surround him, kicking until he stops moving. The man wakes in bed, but seems too terrified to move.

The dream was third person. I was in a creepy dimly lit house. I was in a hall of some sort, a red carped going down with two doors to my left. Two zombies came after me and i tried the first door. It was locked and I needed an emblem, the zombies came nearer. I tried the second door and went through. I found myself in a living room-kitchen, with a stair case leading up from the kitchen. I approached the stairs and found 3 fast moving zombies, I checked my guns ammunition and found i only had 6 bullets not nearly enough. I grabbed a fork off the table, to use as a weapon. The dream turned to first person. Somehow I killed all three, tearing into rotted necks. The dream turned back to third person. I then said "I declare myself the garbage man, killer of zombies." I then headed for the stairs. The dream ended.

every time i try to control a dream or i think i am in control, it takes a dark turn. it will already be taking a dark turn and when i try to change it it gets even worse. ask me about some of my worst dreams.

I was in my basement. The dog cages where still behind the couch from the tornado warnings the other day. Faith was eating out of a dog bowl by the cages. Not to long later I found cody eating outa the bowl with her. This is bad because two years ago Faith nearly killed Cody and since then we keep one of them locked up at a time and switch them out throughout the day. I got scared and saw that cody undid the side of his cage, what a smart dog. I nearly panicked and I yelled for dad to come help me, he ran downstairs and grabed faith and I got hold of cody and walked him over to his cage. I vaugly remember doing a failed nose plug reality check. The dream ended.

Dream Journal #22, May 26th, 2011.

Don’t remember much.. only remember fragments. I was.. trying not to dream inside a dream? I’m not even sure. It may of had something to do with lucid dreams, but I woke up at 2:30 am again, marking the end of my REM. I know Dan was definitely in my dream. I remembered the dream when I woke up at 2:30 but now I forgot it lol. It may have had something to do with cars also. I remember having an FA and trying to take all my blanket and push it into something near my desk right next to me.. I forgot why. It failed and I was like damn, so I put it back. I KNOW i was trying to sell something.. but I just forgot what it was.

edit: just remembered a dream! wow this was vivid, and it seemed like i was lucid but i don’t really think i was.

so.. it started out with me in like, this dancing place? kind of like the dancing place in sucker punch, with the same teacher. the teacher was surprised to see a guy wanting to learn to dance lol. she taught me some basic moves, blah blah. then some girl asks me if she wants to go get a banana with me, and i’m like sure. at this point im thinking, wait, am i allowed to do this? will i get in trouble? but i do it anyway. then these 2 guys come out during lunch break, kevin kim, and some random ass black guy. the black guy starts to give me and alvin shit. alvin just appeared out of nowhere.. lol. i then proceed to beat the living shit out of them. like, literally, the living shit. im pretty sure the black guy died, but kevin kim survived. he was unconscious however on the floor. they’re bodies looked really weird lol. they looked liked corpses except with spaghetti noodles coming out of thier body and instead of blood it was spaghetti sauce. so now i find myself in my house, with the 2 bodies on the floor and alvin next to me. then i’m like, alright alvin lets go back. but then i’m like wait, should we hide the bodies? and alvins like umm, idk. so i decide to hide the bodies using dream control (lol wut wasn’t even lucid). so i tell alvin, “hey dude, go in like another room or something! i’m gonna make the bodies disappear with dream control”, so alvin goes to another room. i close my eyes, focus on erasing the bodies from my mind, and when i open them, they’re gone! but the time significantly changed… like i forwarded 2 hours into the future lol. alvin comes out, and i tell him, “DUDE did you see that? I did it!” and he looks at me weird and he’s like “huh? did what?” I then concluded my dream control also erased his memory lol. So we go into the living room and play this wii game.

fragment: I remember going in front of my house, it’s somewhat sunny, and theirs piles and piles and piles of beer and other drinks. I remember thinking damn, this is gonna ruin my dream recall.

Second dream I remember is playing this wii game with my brother lol. It was very similar to marvel vs capcom 3, except the characters you could play also included people from my school and other hot girls rofl. i’m not sure how they played in the gamge, but i remember owning my brother the first 6 games and then he proceeded to own me after that. i also remember texting ralph “bring weed” lol. supposedly there was supposed to be a party at my house, because i also remember my brother asking me “do you want anything” and i’m like “uhh.. nah”. sarandy comes home and he brings my brother some weird recorder tape thing that you put in your shoebox… imking to be exact. lol idk. i don’t remember anything after that.

This was an extremely graphic and scary nightmare, everything was perfectly clear and felt like waking reality there were no signs of it being a dream. Nothing extraordinary happening except for the plot of the nightmare itself, no paranormal stuff, no flying, nothing. If you don't wanna hear about dead bodies don't read this. I wrote three pages on paper about this nightmare because I was too scared to sit downstairs and type it at the time everything was sooooo vivid and every little detail I could pick up.

Normal Dream
After 8 hours of sleep
Just woke up about 10 minutes before this at the end of another dream

The dream started after my parents left for a vacation to Arizona. I was hanging out with Nicole, Madi, and Nathan. This dream was very ordinary meaning I wasn't able to tell a dream from reality apart, everything was exactly the same as in real life, and it was extremely vivid. I saw my friends faces as clear as day, everything just seemed so normal and real... We got in Nate's new car to drive to my house, but then we decided to stop at a small gas station and get some food and trinkets. I went in their and bought some M&M's the normal kind, I saw that Nicole and Madi were buying little trinkets and the lady at the counter was giving them discounts for them. I decided to buy a little black cat figure, it had fake hair on it, and it was really soft. We got in the car and everyone made fun of me for buying a black cat, even though they all had stupid things with them also


So we drive to my house to have a little party with just the four of us. The house we appeared at was my last house I lived in, it was in Fairwood and on Fairwood Dr. It was an EXACT replica of my old house, everything looked the same I can explain it in detail from just visiting this dream there were no alterations. The kitchen had bright white cabinets with hardwood floors, the dining room connected directly to the kitchen and you could just walk in there from the kitchen, there was a large chandelier hanging in there. There were also fancy dining chairs in there they were made of orangish colored wood and had white cushion seats, we will be talking about this later. If you go the opposite way out of the kitchen you'll go down four stairs and into a large family room with a computer to your left, a large TV further in, and a white cabinet/ bar directly to your right. This area is open so you can see it all from the kitchen. I think Nicole and Madi were drinking but me and Nate weren't. We were sitting in the family room watching a scary movie and then all of the sudden I hear something. There is someone else that got into the house with us...

He had long light brown hair, it went past his shoulders, also it was very curly. He didn't have the most friendly face, he looked angry and yet never said anything. Apparently he was trying to kill us, and he was a murderer. Oh, ya he was also about 6 feet 2 inches tall and almost reached the ceiling. Nate said that he tried to kill Madi and Nicole a minute ago, I didn't see them after this they must have left. I then saw Nate cut the guy in half with something... Blood spilt out and he was laying there cut in half on the dining room carpet on the edge of the kitchen. I could see him from where I was, I was at the bottom of the four stairs looking straight up at them. He wasn't dead yet either, he was whispering something to me that I couldn't make out, his head was decapitated from his body. He still looked fairly calm even with his guts pouring out of his body on the cream colored carpet. I either didn't want to see him suffer or I didn't wish for him to be alive anymore to cause me harm so I walked up there fearfully. I grabbed one of those fancy dining chairs and smashed his head and body in about four times with it. At that point I considered him dead, I had just killed someone. At this point I was at home alone and had no clue what to do, should I dump the body somewhere or call the cops?

The smell was terribly awful, the worst thing I've ever smelt. Rotten eggs, mixed with blood, mixed with puke, mixed with the worst roadkill you could imagine... My head started spinning and I ran into the kitchen and puked red chunks in the sink all over a pile of dishes that were soaking in water, it made me feel a little better. I didn't know how I was going to dispose of this before my parents got home.

Nate finally appeared to me again and asked me why I was freaking out? He said that bodies not real it's just for fun, he then said he will get rid of it, I watched from afar as he grabbed the head by the curly hair and dragged it across the floor outside. I could not see where he took it but he took it outside. He then came in for the body and got that too, my parents appeared home just at that second and the first thing my Mom said was ,"I really hope that isn't real Derrick." In a rude tone like she always does. I answered ," No I promise you this isn't real just calm down." She apparently believed me because no other questions were asked, the dream started to fade right about here. But there were a couple things I saw before I left, the house was very frantic and messy. Pop cans laying everywhere, candy and food boxes. The desk was a mess it looked like that's where we set all of our belongings so we didn't lose them. Everything was perfectly clear, especially the body sized crimson stain on the carpet.

The end

I have a suspicion that someone I know is going to try to steal from me. We are hanging out and he is giving me a shaky vibe. He leaves the room but his day planner remains. I look through his planner and see several instances that suggest his plans to rob me. I feel a surge of nervous energy, betrayed and angry. I want to get violent, but at the same time I'm finding it hard to believe that I could be treated like that. I start looking for ways around my living room whereby I can take the thief down without using violence.

Non-dream Dream Lucid Fragments
Heh, another part lucid, although it was strangely dark.

I was in a bigger and more sinister version of my house, in my living room to be exact. I looked around and noticed the darkness was only around me. I looked down at myself and I was a strange ghast-like creature. I had some strange looking pistol gun as well. There was creepy music playing that was the creepyest thing I had ever heard. I tried to remind myself that I was probably the only thing to fear in this house and looked around. I went upstairs and explored. I heard a door banging. I opened it and saw a scared Odie and Garfeild. I thought it strange, but shrugged it off. I asked them what they were doing in my house and they said it was theirs. I told them they had nothing to fear and lead them outside. I then noticed that there was a 1st person style format. A button in the corner said Menu. I willed it to open and saw a skills map. The first said that in order to gain other skills, I had to possess someone. It also said that I would die unless this happened before daylight. I thought about it and decided that I would posess Garfield. As soon as Odie turned around I tried to do so. But the second I tried the dream shifted. Everywhere I looked there were dark creatures. I willed the dream to change. Then I thought, "Wait, I just said dream, right? This is a dream!" And then with more force I changed the surrounding. I was in my living room again but it was a bit lighter. I went past my kitchen and to my dining room. My brother and a girl I like were there. I said to myself that she must like me in order to be here (passive control) and so would follow me. I walked upstairs and found I was right. I went to my TV and tested if it worked. It didn't. The girl took went to take a shower and I attempted to turn into a dragon. I only got the claws. I lost lucidity after a couple of tries. I had a false awakening and for the rest of the dream I did all the things I normally did to pack for school.

I was playing resedent evil 1, moving the charracter with my mind. It was creeping me out. I was in a dark hallway, dimmly lit with a red carpet and earth toned walls. On the right side of the screen a wooden table with a candle. A zombie was walking down the hallway towards me I got scared and aimed my avatars gun and missed. The zombie got close to my avatar and was ready to bite. The dream ended.

My husband and I find an ad for a nice house for a good price, so we decide to go see it. When we arrive, the lot of land is enormous, and the yard has a swing set. A small private road leads up to the garage. As we are shown around, we see that the house is incredibly spacious, with five bedrooms and three bathrooms. each room is very large. Both living rooms (there are two) are large enough to fit my entire current house in them. The smallest bedroom is bigger than my current living room. The kitchen has enough space for a second stove and fridge, but even with them would still have room for an island. In one bathroom, the shower alone is as big as my entire current bathroom, not to mention a tub in a separate area. The more we saw, the more we liked it. As wonderful as the house was, I couldn't seem to shake this nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I ignored the feeling as I opened a door to a small storage room. A tarp covering a pile of blankets inside began to move as if there was something underneath. I instantly sensed something was wrong. My heart pounding, I reached out and lifted the pile to find nothing there. Freaked out a bit, I quickly closed the door to the room. I found my husband and tugged his sleeve. "I don't know about this place, honey."
"What are you talking about, this place is great." We proceeded out the back to get a closer look at the swing set. I glanced in the bay window and some movement caught my eye. I noticed the clock on the wall, and the arms were spinning at an alarming rate. A chill went down my spine. I was suddenly aware of an unearthly presence, and the area around me suddenly got chilly. I rubbed my arms, and looked inside again. The clock hands were spinning even faster, and they suddenly stopped at 12:00. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was 2:15.
Out of nowhere, I heard a piercing, inhuman scream in the distance.

20.05.2011

Another madness driving nightmare (Non-lucid)

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID

I was driving and it was night, very late actually. There were several accidents all around me. I saw big and small cars in the middle of the road and on the side of the road, some of them pretty damaged.

I saw a red van flipping next to me, but it never hit me. I was driving trying to avoid the madness, I almost hit a few cars, but avoided all of them.

I saw more damaged vehicles a few miles and a few more incidents as well. Some of these cars were totaled, but I saw no ambulances. I managed to finally get off of the freeway. I saw some crashed cars on the road, but the traffic was fine. I managed to finally park, my car was not damaged.

OK. I am getting tired of these dreams. I never had an accident in my whole life, not even a ticket... I neither saw an accident life on the road while I am driving. This is the 4th similar dream I have. I am very intuitive and I have a lot of premonitions. This must mean something. Fortunately, I always get away from the accidents without becoming part of one, but always near misses.

So, it is time for me to induce a lucid dream in this scenario and find out what my Third Eye is trying to say!

The dream started out (to my knowledge, though I had MANY dreams this night constantly waking me and I cannot remember what the actual beginning is) with me parking in an A&P parking lot. I just wanted some ice cream. When I went inside, though, it was smaller and quaint. I went to get the ice cream. There was a guy there with who I guess was his girlfriend. They were about my age (20 or so), and he was pretty good-looking. He was nice, and as his girl started walking away he came over and started a conversation about the ice cream with me. I told him my favorite (which I can’t remember). Then we got in line to pay, and I realized I forgot my wallet in my silver purse in my car. I asked if he could hold my ice cream for a moment and he kindly agreed. I ran out, got my wallet, and ran back in, doing some sort of ninja slide as I entered. I paid, and as it turned out he was also the cashier. Then I went back to my car and my best friend, Dewy, was there waiting for me! We talked a little and got in the car. I started driving. I then put the car on some sort of autopilot and it started automatically driving to his house! We put the seats back and lay there, talking. I could tell by the surroundings that we were coming towards my neighborhood, so I got up, took control of the wheel, and steered us into my neighborhood. He asked me what we were doing but I told him it was a surprise. I was trying to go to a field where we could eat our ice cream (I remember his was green chocolate chip mint), but wouldn’t tell him that. He playfully dabbed some of his ice cream on my nose, but it was so cold it hurt, and he felt bad. When we got toward the field, though, the road was blocked off for construction, as well as half the church parking lot where we sometimes hang out. We parked at the last spot closest the highway and Dairy Queen and were going to walk around to the field, but he needed more ice cream first, as I guess he finished all of his in the car. As we parked someone parked behind us, some guy and girl. At first I was annoyed that people were parking near us, but as the dream went on I guess they had been our friends. We got out and Dewy went around to my side of the car. In the mean time, one of our friends (the guy, as I think the girl disappears) pointed up and said, “Did you see the moon? Something just went across it!” Something like a shadow, I presume it was. I looked up and the moon was unusually gigantic. We started chatting about how big it was. Then someone else (who I’m guessing WAS the girl but is now a guy) pointed again to a different spot saying, “That’s not the moon. THAT’S the moon!” I looked up and saw the original huge “moon” and then two smaller ones, but because I know we only have one, my subconscious corrected it and I blocked out the third moon. As I saw it, I realized that the small, crescent moon was the real one. I started panicking. We all started talking frenzied about the first moon and what it could be. I quickly came to the conclusion that it must be an asteroid heading toward us. It was getting closer as it was getting darker out. I sat in the driver’s seat with the door open, freaking out to Dewy that I wasn’t ready to die. I said, “There’s so much I haven’t done with my life!” He said, “You’ve done more than I have!” trying to comfort me. But I kept ranting and panicking, getting upset. That’s when Dewy left to go get his ice cream. I got out of the car and watched him, as the other friends and I stood there and chatted a little. Curious, I took a quick peek up at the “moon”, only now it had a pattern of small white lights on it that resembled North America at night. I now believed it was another planet and announced so. I stated, “At least if it’s another planet we won’t be the only one’s dying”. A little astounded, I turned a little to face it in a direction I could get a better look, and now saw something different. I noted three red lights spaced into a large triangle framing the pattern of white ones. It was very dark now, but I could just make out a blacker triangle outline of an alien spacecraft. I then freaked out. Someone, whether it was our friend or my subconscious (although I think it must have been my subconscious because I’m pretty sure the spaceship’s goal was to be stealthy, and kind of remember no one else reacting to it), told me I had better warn Dewy to get back in the car. I went to reach for my phone in the car, but saw him on the side of Dairy Queen throwing something out. Desperate, I yelled for him, “Dewy, run!! It’s a spaceship!!” And then right after I had yelled that our friend shouted, “Watch out!!” I jumped into the back seat just in time as this white laser came down right where I had been standing. It didn’t destroy or touch anything around the spot, but I knew it would have destroyed me. I realized that anytime anyone wrote/said/texted the word ‘alien’ or ‘spaceship’ if would zap them to keep itself a secret. At this conclusion I started genuinely freaking out very badly and woke myself up.

#989:
Date: May 18th, 2011
Length: 7 minutes

It's late at night. I'm at my computer, and check some school-related stuff. I see an announcement for a statistics class I'm apparently taking, where they tell us that we were expected to use a certain chemical compound in doing our homework (don't ask me how this is relevant to statistics). I realize that I didn't do this, and the homework is apparently due the next day, so I go outside and rush to a nearby lab.

Once inside, I pull out the necessary chemical from a fridge, and somehow use it to finish my homework (I think I just poured it on the paper?). All is well... for now. Morning comes, and I'm walking around what is supposedly the campus. After a little while, I'm suddenly accosted by a few people, one a police officer, who immediately places me under arrest. I don't resist since I have no idea what I could have done wrong.

I'm taken to a sort of interrogation area (which, strangely, was basically open to outside). I am seated at a table, surrounded by 4 interrogators, and with an attorney to my left. At first I am simply accused of using that chemical last night -- I openly admit to it, saying it was part of my homework. They tell me something really weird like "Just because you were expected to use it, doesn't mean you were authorized to."

Somehow, however, the interrogators quickly change the conversation and accuse me of murdering someone the night before, with some vague relation to the chemical I used. I start to freak out -- I try to explain I have nothing to do with any murder, and that I was just trying to do my homework, but they keep grilling me and trying to pressure me into saying something. My attorney tries wholeheartedly to help me, but he basically is unable to say more than a few sentences.

I get more and more confused, telling them that I was exhausted the night before and don't remember exactly what happened (which is true), but that I'm sure I didn't murder anyone (which is also true -- my recall is a bit fuzzy and I think I may have done something with the person who got murdered, but I definitely didn't kill him). They refuse to believe me, and seem to be ready to put me on trial for murder. I start to completely break down as they continue to pressure me and I feel more and more confused about the entire situation and how little sense it all makes. I end up in tears, fearing for the worst.

They try to get me to reveal as much information about myself as possible. My memory feels more and more blurred, and I start feeling like I'm going insane, but at the same time I realize this might be exactly what they want, and so I try to just hang on. Soon, one of the interrogators (who, it turns out, has the same voice as someone I know irl) poses a devastating question. It was something along the lines of: "Are you enjoying your killing spree?" Not only was he pinning the recent murder on me, but also a string of previous murders -- basically calling me a serial killer. At this point, still crying, I almost lose it completely. I lash out and deny that I'm a murderer, though some doubt is creeping into my own mind.

Finally, they agree to release me for a day so I can talk and be with my family. I arrive some place that looks nothing like my parents' house, or really any place I've seen before. I'm still feeling deeply confused and traumatized at this point. My mom meets me in a sort of dining room, and we talk for a few moments before the rest of the family arrives and we start to eat dinner. As we eat and they try to comfort me, I start to cry again: I do this partly because I am still feeling unstable, like I'm going mad, and unsure of whether or not I am a murderer. A few times I have flashes and feel like I'm back in the interrogation room, fearing what lies in the future. But I'm also crying because of the warmth with which I'm being received -- everyone is here, trying to be supportive and console me. I feel nothing but love and belonging: none of my family seem to have any doubts despite the horrible accusations against me, and I'm incredibly thankful for it.

Eventually, I wake up, in tears. A vivid reminder to appreciate what you have, it seems.

and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to save it.

My reality resides in my dreams...
and this is the nightmare I wake up to.