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Some troubling self-esteem dreams this month. I was gripped with the notion that my friends despised me. Despite knowing that they were just dreams, I was still emotionally affected by it. Thankfully, by the end of the month, I had worked through this issue. A lot of hypnagogia this month as well. It's been interesting to say the least.

--- --- --- --- ---

Some strange, oily hypnagogia. I see intense but limited visuals. A painted white spiral staircase. An empty apartment room with french windows, people standing on the patio beyond. I am gaining traction, but I get the sense that I am positing my awareness inside another person. He moves without my guidance, beginning to stumble, perhaps due to my influence. He turns and falls to the ground, reaching a hand out hoping to catch himself. I hear one of his associates call his name, and then again but closer and far louder. It is so sharp that it awakens me completely.

--- --- --- --- ---

I re-attempt a lucid technique that I had tried once before. As I lay awaiting sleep, I begin to count.
"1, I am dreaming. 2, I am dreaming."
As I do so, hypnagogic voices begin to intrude. They sigh and sound disappointed, and then begin the try to interrupt my counting. Some speaking over the top of me, others counting backwards trying to muddle my continuity. I press on regardless. They are annoying but not hostile.

--- --- --- --- ---

I dream of a crime scene. A thick-set man enters an underground bar frequented by those with criminal affiliations. It is empty but for the barkeep and his staff. He asks the barkeep to recount the events of the previous night. A young man had become drunk and rowdy. In his inebriated state he had stumbled and fallen, punching a drink off a table by accident. The drink's owner, the man now standing in the bar, had been intoxicated himself. Enrage by the slight, he had instantly drawn his pistol and fired three bullets into the younger man. The barkeep vows not to tell a single other soul about the event.
The next day I take the tram to work and we pass by a road blocked off by police tape. A man had been murdered in the early hours of the morning, affiliated with the local mob. Three bullets.

--- --- --- --- ---

I am at a supermarket but all the fresh produce looks old and stale. I am offered a punnet of raspberries, but they look rotten. I eat some anyway, and instantly spit them out. They taste sour and foul. The sensation of taste is strong.

--- --- --- --- ---

My arms and legs are all tangled and tied up in knots, restricting my movement. I beseech a male friend for help and he assists, untangling my limbs. He pulls a note out of my back pocket, indicating that it may explain the issue. I unfold the note and read it.
The top line reads; 'You need to quit smoking.'
It is followed by a single word at the bottom, bracketed as though an after thought, but capitalise for emphasis; '(CUNT)'
I am so shocked by it that the memory sticks strong in my mind. The next day I begrudgingly decide to quit smoking.

--- --- --- --- ---

We are a team of soldiers on a perilous mission to vanquish a great alien intellect within its own metallic domain. Through holes in the floor, we can view the next dangerous stage of our journey. We meet a man who is besieged by the same entity, but he is also caught up in the illusions that it presents. Through the holes, he sees his own home and family. We warn him that he is too close to the being and this is a sign that he is endangered. He deliberates on what to do.

--- --- --- --- ---

I am in the back garden of my grandparent's house, a memory from childhood. My cohesion is low, but the detail is still quite high. I go inside. The house is quiet, but items are left out on the table. The room feels lived in, as though somebody had been here not too long ago. I flip the light switch, and nothing happens. I sigh, miss the lucidity cue, and turn to my left, instantly spying the breaker box. I find it odd that for some reason it is now located in the kitchen. The door is open with only a single fuse switch. I flick it on and the lights spring to life. I turn back around and there is a tall man wearing dark clothes leaning against the sink behind me.

Morning of April 11, 2016. Monday.

Dream #: 18,011-02. Reading time (optimized): 2 min.



My dream is a science-fiction scenario, but it seems as if I am in a movie. It may be taking place in the present but with fictitious technology. I am with an unfamiliar girl and an unknown man. There is a teleportation system. The girl has a black spider pillow (about the size of a couch cushion) that looks somewhat cartoon-like. There is a teleportation mishap.

I am lying on the ground in the woods with the two others. The girl is sleeping to my right. Most of the legs had come off (or had been cut off by the teleportation malfunction) of the spider pillow (a play on my dream self not having real legs). It briefly squeaks as if it is alive or is a robotic pet, but this idea fades, and it is only a pillow.

Instinctual awareness of being asleep (the pillow, sleeping in my dream, and quantum Zsuzsanna sleeping near me) does not trigger conscious recognition I am dreaming. (My waking-life identity is absent.) I wonder what is going on. (As a spider visually represents the human hand, this is a possible play on having my hand on or under the pillow while sleeping.)

Another teleportation malfunction occurs. It seems to be part of a spying technology but goes awry. We end up in a candy and confectionery manufacturing building in New Jersey.

We wander around while the girl seems to have breathing issues. An older woman who behaves like a housekeeper on an old American sitcom gives her something that I first thought might be candy but is medicine. It takes place in a big room where numerous long wooden tables are in an equidistant arrangement.

My attention wanders to where I try to find something in a big telephone book (seeking communication while in the dream state). I search through the yellow pages, but I am uncertain if this is what I should be doing. Soon, I seem to find what I had intended to see more of - movie listings. The print on the small movie posters is so little as to be unreadable. The features are on two panels shrunk down and rotated to be displayed lengthways. It seems to be because movie posters and theater scheduling information is not as important as residential and business listings.

I mentally magnify the page to read some of it, but soon realize I am doing it without a magnifying glass. As an illogical consequence, my sight returns to normal, and I cannot read the tiny print. I realize I need to find a magnifying glass, but I do not see one.

I am in the Loomis Street house living room, but I still see it as the candy factory. Long chunks of dust hang from various areas of the ceiling and walls. It seems no one does any cleaning. I consider I should vacuum the rooms even though I am not an employee. On another level, it seems natural that more and more dust should accumulate.

---

Went to bed at 23.30 and tried to meditate a bit. Don't think I stayed awake very long. Woke up at 3.00 to go to the toilet, remembered nothing. Stayed up for a WBTB, probably not long enough this time, but I'm afraid to stay awake way too long if I stay up to long. WBTB didn't work because I woke up from the alarm at 7.10.

Room in the attick
I'm in a house (not ours) with my husband and we go into the room in the attick. It's cleaned up now, before it was so messy that you could hardly enter it. Along two of the walls are large dressers (I'm not sure if this is the right word in English) Both wood, but different colours. Two drawers of the left one are left open. I pull my husband on the bed and we make out a bit. He gets up and starts collecting things to go and have a shower. Two (young) men enter the room. (I think "I'm glad I'm decent"). One of the men is the owner of the house, the other one (to whom he's showing the house) is a young version of Darrau. The owner, a long and skinny guy, tells Darrau about the room. "Over there we used to have the trains, and there the Playmobil". They speak French. At a certain moment one of them uses the word "relance" in a way that I don't understand. I ask for an explanation. "But a 'relance' is asking for something again if there is no reaction to the first time you've asked?" Darrau answer that in fact it is that, but sometimes it's also used in another way.

Wrote this dream up, went to the toilet and tried another WBTB. I got a lot closer but woke up again from a non lucid dream.

Another room in another attick
My husband and I woke up from the alarm. He had to get up to go to work. My best friend (from the period 13 to 17 yrs old) was in the room with us. Without saying anything he made it clear to me that I had to get her out of the room because he had something in mind. I told her that she could go down to the bathroom, she'd find a towel in the narrow high open cupboard. She left and my husband started unbuttoning my jeans.

Then I woke up, there were noises in the house (holidays, the kids are there). I tried to go back to the dream but the noises prevented that.

Date: 11/4/16
Total sleep:
Daytime Techniques: present state of consciousness and reality checks
Lucid Techniques:
Recall Techniques: wbtb and lie still upon awakening
Fell Asleep:
Dream Title:Fragment
Dream: I remember traveling along the sea just to have a like a 3 course meal which a bunch of people I don't know.

I also remembering being at a theme park with some friends from the past.
Awake:
Vividness: (scale of 1-15, 10 is waking life vividness)10
Awareness: (1-10; or lucid)
Length: (how long it felt like! Because that matters)
Emotions:
Dream Signs:
Tags (optional):

There was a leader in our group which I think was BadAssLongCoat and we were dealing with the invasion of what I think was Team Dewey into what was clearly my old house. I was living in the bottom floor of the house and there was a yard out the back which the invasion took place. We had had a problem because they had tried a couple of times to infiltrate and I'm afraid we felt they were looking to steal, kill and take over our base. We were taking the invasion very seriously but I did not realise how serious the weapons Team Dewey had. BadAss was checking my old steps which lead up the garden which was the most likely place they were to come down when I looked up and was really shocked. It was BlairBros with the most serious Bow and Arrow I could ever imagine aiming it directly at BadAss. "Watch Out" I shouted. It looked like the bow and arrows from Hunger Games. It was made of black graphite with a steel tipped arrow. BadAss would not survive if it impacted. I went running into the flat to find what I could to help with this battle. I found the biggest knife that we had when we were small in the kitchen. It had a blade on top which looks like a serpents tongue. When I went back to the yard I was sure BadAss would be dead but he was dueling BlairBros in a hand to hand combat. I grabbed BlairBros by the head turned him over and ... well put it this way it wasnt pretty. I don't know who won but I was surprised that I wasn't scared.

Competition time!

1) Watching an archelogical dig. A small group of archaelogists was pushed out by a bigger group, it transformed into a massive dig with people camped out and donkeys wandering around. There was a school trip to the dig, I was driving to it and realised I had the wrong clothes I was wearing my best shoes, we each had to do a day out digging then we were coming back for food. I was having meusli and I put water on it rather than milk but it tasted OK. We were coming back from the trip a lady was driving a large white minibus. It parked in a dead end side street we all got out I asked if she neded help reversing but she said no, I commented to someone else that she was a good driver. Then we went into a pub for a drink, I said it's late I'm going back to ahlls of residence everyone else agreed and followed me out. I was with an old friend from university who was very clever - he started explaing something to me but it was way too complicated for me to understand.

2) I was on board Concorde with a group of students from my old university course. We were stood just over the wing section. We had to place a perspex sheet over it so that visitors could view the inner workings. It was explained that this was levelled up with a laser device. We were looking at paper technical drawings and I told someone that the old fashionned way was much better than using computers or a laptop. I put the drawings down on the side. I asked someone about how the wing worked because it folded back, they were a bit annoyed with me because I didn't understand it and it was really simple. A group of us were stood around I sta down with someone and he started talking about rugby.

3) Fragment: In McDinalds. I wanted a chocolate milkshake. had a long discussion with the woman serving about why the milshake amchine wasn't working - it was too warm. I tasted it and agreed and said I would come back later.

4) Fragment: I walked into a shop, looking for a choclate milkshake, there were two women behind the counter that I recognised. One was pouring herself some champagne. I commented on it.

It's daytime and I'm sitting in a sort of park/playground. I'm with a few other adults. I remember one of them being a white woman. I myself alternate between being myself and being Sherlock Holmes it seems, the version from Elementary. There are houses built around the park in a U shape. In one of the houses, behind the window of the top floor (3rd?) is a man with quite a big camera. We consider it odd. I decide to go check it out. No one is willing to open the door at first, though at some point someone opens the door and then slams it closed into my face.

There's a boy in his early teens who is scaling the wall to get to the 2nd or 3rd floor and enter the house from there. I tell the kid to come back, because it is dangerous. I myself consider using the same approach, but I'm afraid that the final part is just too dangerous and I might fall there. The boy makes it though and opens the front door for me. I enter and go to the 3rd floor.

I encounter a white man. We end up in a conversation, though it's not a particularly friendly one. It's more like bad guy explaining his evil plans. This house used to be owned by his brother, who may or may not be dead. He's here with his camera to capture an image of his ghost. Supposedly. He's explaining that he's staging the whole thing for some reason. Meanwhile I'm holding a camera in my hands and the red light tells me that this whole conversation is being recorded.

Eventually the man wants to give me a silver necklace as a present. I, as Sherlock Holmes, tell him I can't possibly accept. He insists. I take a hold of the necklace and he pushes my dreads out of the way. We then move to a mirror standing against a wall. I look into it while he is standing behind me and putting on the necklace. My face has rashes. I knew it, this thing is poisoned. I take it off and rub the thing all over his face. He ends up dead not too long after. I open the window and want to shout to Watson (Lucy Liu) but my throat is jammed. I instruct the kid through mumbling. He shouts 'Watson!' a couple of times and eventually she comes over.

Watson is upstairs, the situation is sort of explained and it's decided that I need medical attention. At some point I wonder how I'm still alive, considering that this guy died really quickly.

I'm downstairs with someone. A boy in his late teens. We want to leave this house and close the door behind us, but the frontdoor never locks. Eventually someone else tries to open the door. She can't. It turns out that the ghost of the guy who lived here did this. It's his way of telling the boy and I that we are always welcome here. Touching.

I'm walking across a football (soccer) field now. There's some big event going on, international teams, the works. I'm now Wesley Sneijder. I still need medical attention and can't really talk. There's some ceremonious stuff. Then I jog off the field.



I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a car. My mom is behind the wheel. We're in a dark parking lot. My old driving instructor approaches us in his car, which is far off from the car he has in reality. My mom think it's creepy and drives off. I explain to her who he is. He probably needed a favour. Poor dude. Didn't his wife leave him? We follow him over the parking lot for a moment, but decide to just leave. I still can't talk too well due to the attack in the previous dream.


I'm sitting at a table, across my white, female teacher. She has to (re)evaluate my exam. I've written a part in pencil and am allowed to track it over with pen. It feels a bit weird. My hand seems not steady enough. Eventually I'm done and we end up talking a bit. She hands me a piece of torn paper and asks me to evaluate the lecturers of this course. I can't remember on what lecturers have to be assessed. Besides, shouldn't this be anonymous? I consider for a moment that I think that she's hot. A moment later I take a close look and notice it's my older lecturer. No, definitely not hot. Way too old! Didn't I already fill in the evaluation when I made the exam for the first time? I feel kinda stupid that I'm the only person in class who has to do a sort of resit. I'm not the only person who suffered through that attack, yet I'm the only person traumatised enough to mess up. Ow yeah.. I did shoot and kill someone with an assault rifle...

1. I was walking around in a garden type of area. There was an abundance of plant life around me, all being green along with some red and pink flowers. This garden area was rather large, and it was enclosed by a gray wired gate. I continued walking around when I suddenly got this weird feeling, a feeling I can't describe. I always get this feeling when I become proficient at Lucid Dreaming and I have them every night. Anyways, I got the feeling and immediately knew I was dreaming. Just as I became Lucid my vision got fucked up and everything looked fairly blurry and static-like. It was as though I had my glasses off or something. I look at my hand just to confirm that I'm dreaming and I count my fingers. "One, two, three, four, five, six" I counted out loud. Its always interesting looking at my hands in dreams. I noticed that my hand was pale and my fingers were extra long and really crooked, it looked very odd.
Just then the dream starts destabilizing and everything becomes hectic to say the least. Dream characters start running around and an earthquake starts. At this point the entire ground is shaking and I am completely disoriented. I wake up from the dream into that period between awake and asleep, which is basically a black void, or that's how I perceived it. It feels as though I'm floating here. I then decide that I want to go back into the same dream I was just in, so I focus, and the exact same dream forms. Next thing I know I am back in the garden. "Aright, lets get some stuff done" I say out loud. I look where an opening is at where there is no foliage, it seems to be the exit out of the garden. There are 3 girls standing there leaning on a metal rail just to the side of the exit. I remember one of them wearing a scarlet red dress. Beyond the rail and the exit of the garden I could see a huge city in the background that seemed fairly far away considering I could see the entire city. Despite how far away it was, the skyscrapers I saw literally still reached far far into the sky. Seeing this I realized just how huge the buildings were, they were enormous compared to any skyscrapers in waking life in both height and depth.
"Lets find her" I think to myself. I then yell out "[Her name] where are you?" I thought that she was surely one of the 3 girls leaning on the rail, but none of them responded. "Aright, I need to secure myself in here" I say out loud "Time to create another time dilation watch". I start walking around the garden while simultaneously creating the watch. To my convenience I already had a watch on my left wrist, so all I needed to do now was modify and upgrade it. I take the watch off and start configuring it. Only a few seconds into doing so the dream starts to destabilize and once again everything goes hectic. My vision started messing up again, but the rest of my senses stayed. I'm not sure as to why the dream destabilized.

Note: during the entirety of technically *both* of these dreams, I reminded myself to maintain my self awareness, and I did so perfectly.

Video Games are How I Dream Lately... Apparently

I am in the middle of beating a video game with my wife, we get into a dungeon that reminds me of a desert temple from Zelda.

I am actually playing an RPG, but we run into an amorphous blob, none of our weapons can seem to fight it, and nothing it is doing is making sense. I start attacking with my sword, but find that I have very few attacks and that they are very limited against the thing that I am fighting, especially since Laura had hit it with her sword and it had passed right through. I think that this thing is not actually in the game, but in the reality behind the game. I change weapons and pull out my white Samurai sword. I jump decide to stay in one place and just watch to find it. It is really fast, but it doesn't seem to be doing much damage. I watch and watch and it appears in front of me and knocks me over and disappears again it is green and is in the shape of a man, but it seems to more like a lingering memory than a person. I stop and hear my wife scream, I don't know if she can defend against it, but not a big deal, this is a dream. I hold my sword in the ready position above my head for a quick down strike, and wait for it, I get hit again, only in the front, like it is a warning. I put my back to a wall and hold my sword far back so that I can just stab when I see it. I see it and I stab, it dodges and knocks me down, my health is getting low, I find that funny.
"Come at me again!" I yell, this time holding my sword in front of me, across my chest. Like so.

He appears and I just push forward, as soon as the broad side of my blade hits him, it sends him to the ground and I strike him down, I liked the weight and swing of it! It is nice to have the same blade in different dreams. We go past the pillars, and I realize that we are underground and that we are entering the boss room. It is a huge version of Ifrit from FFX.


"I got this" My wife says, and I am interested to see what she does to kill him. She summons a water thing (I didn't pay much attention to it) and had it use "Waterfall" or something similar to gush a huge waterfall on his head. It didn't do much damage, but it stunned him. Laura keeps spamming this and I get bored. I fast forward through and it takes like over 200 hits to kill him, we get out of the dungeon and don't get anything for it!

I get out to Hyrule field and check the map. There is only a little bit of unexplored territory. It looks like we are going to be beating this game soon. I see three entrances to caves and my map doesn't say that they have been explored. I use some fake memories to figure out if I have, and one of them looks brand new. My wife is no where to be seen. I jump in and a loading screen pops up (just a black fade) and I wake up.

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Spellbee2's Spring Extravaganza Competition 2016

(I always date my DJ entries with the new day at midnight's number)

2016-04-10
20:00 COMPETITION START
22:00 bedtime

2016-04-11
00:00 (night #1) asleep
05:00 wake with recall, room is stuffy, nose is blocked, get up

+(D1) battle in a large rectangular open stairwell with stairs running up/down all around the walls [DREAM SIGN], I'm flying and jumping between the levels and battling the opponents. In the end I win and chain the opponents on a large ledge next to a big drop-off, one opponent is just a head with hands popping out, there are two more opponents sitting dejected on the left two positions. The chained head is in the 3rd position on the right. I direct the chains to flex and push out the head over the abyss and so it will fall to its death. I'm thinking the other two guys are totally at my mercy and hoping I don't do the same the them but they didn't like the head guy, either. I jump out and float/fly down and the head is still alive. Then the head turns into a hot girl and I get a bit bold [DREAM SIGN]

Spoiler for bit of a sexy time:

I go up to the girl who's sitting there leaning back with legs spread and dress hiked up and panties exposed, and reach for her (ahem) and rub it a bit on the outside of her panties. I ask her in a sexy voice, "Do you like that? Can I do this?", she's spouting a stream of talk and takes a quick aside to say "yes" before continuing her nonsense. I then reach inside the panties for direct contact with her (ahem) and it's all gooey and greasy and oily and I say/think we need to get you cleaned up.

+(D2) I'm driving towards my neighborhood [FALSE], approaching an intersection, and turn right. My old place is just ahead on the left, and I now am DO and someone else is driving, some people who don't like me and are wondering if I still live there. As the car drives down I look to the left and see the row of low bungelows including mine, the front door is open, and inside are large desks, it clearly is uninhabited, I've moved out. The people will probably be happy that I'm not there any more. Going forwards, it's like a typical CA apartment complex with parking spaces arranged all outside the low buildings. I'm looking at the spaces and see they're all empty. Where are all the people? Away on vacation still? [a bit of beginning critical reflection, I'm thinking about the experience]. Up ahead there is an apartment with some decoration on the outside, at least someone is still living here. I'm looking at the car ports, some of them are covered, and some are not, some are reserved for apartments I think, and some are not. The covered single space carport doesn't leave a lot of room for you to get out on the side. The view turns 90 degrees to the left and heads in to an open uncovered spot but it's right in front of the stairs and this is probably not a free spot.

+(F1) blue sky and sun, I'm outdoors with my wife daylight (by a motel swimming pool?), I look up at the sky and notice it is a pure, even, cloudless blue with a single bright round white/yellow sun in it. I remember the sky was like this earlier. I point it out to my wife.

+(D3) On the street outside childhood home [DREAM SIGN] with my kids, there is a lot of firewood here that needs chopping somehow. I don't know how I'm going to do this. Ah well, might as well man up, get an axe, and do it. It'll take a while because most of the pieces are too large still for just an axe and need further heavy splitting by a mall or wedges. I have an axe with a small very sharp head but it doesn't fit well on the axe handle. My son is also setting chopping wood with axes, and is setting up next to me. I make sure we separate farther apart so that we don't hit each other. I'm trying to fix the axe head on to the handle and it's not working [DS]. I try to put a little metal wedge in the head of the handle but that causes the handle to splinter and split. I'm reading the instruction manual for the axe head, which while of foreign manufacture, has its instructions in English [DS]

Spell's comp begins tonight (For me, it's meditation, big glass of water for wee-back-to-bed, and bed). I still sort of can't believe I actually am trying a competition. (Well if I don't like it, I won't do it again...) Anyways, since I tend to reside in the dream journals section more often than the forums, I'll drop these here so I don't lose them in the gatling gun of posts that are abound to happen on Spellbee's thread.

And as my crappy luck would have it, I came down with a fairly bad headcold the day the comp starts. So I might be a couple days late before lucidity kicks in.

OLD: Waterbending
OLD: Firebending (Outside of flight)
OLD: Become Female

NEW: Earthbending (Reasonable Scale, move a boulder at least as big as myself)
NEW: Airbending (Reasonable Scale, Strong Gust of wind, Mini Tornado, etc.)
NEW: Encounter/Confront tsunami dream. (May overlap with Waterbending)
NEW: Teach Manei (My dream guide) how to defend herself/fight. I will consider any length of instruction (Even if it's just a single move) a success.

Three Step Task: (Mmmk I wanna challenge myself with things that haven't worked in the past. But doing all of these in the same LD... whoo...)

-Element Manipulation (There might be overlap with personal goals. If there is, I will take whatever score gives more.)
-Teleportation. (I think there's a dream spell that I can use. Tesser-A-[Destination])
-Basic Summoning. (I've done this before, but I'm out of practice...)

...

Also, dream frags and stuff. This is from the morning of the ninth:

I vaguely remember something to do with a pair of mice or mice like characters. They lived in a large castle lived by an evil greedy king. There were these two mice with long fur, that looked like little fuzballs. They had tiny swords too. Supposedly the mice were actually enemies of the kingdom that had been transformed into mice by an evil wizard. This was a punishment for attempting to rebel against the kingdom. There were more and more of the long-haired mice over time. Eventually they plotted to poison the kind and all of his men, and were successful.

...

And from this morning:

I remember I was walking outside with my dad. I remember looking up at the sky and noticing that it was yellow and green, with a huge anvil shaped thundercloud. This prompted me to do a nose pinch reality check and become lucid, but I forgot what else happened after that. I was happy I got lucid though.

There was more from this morning. Some of it was sexy. (I think I'll be omitting all sexual dreams for the comp.) Some of it was just bland muck about school and an old bully.

I had a very long dream, sort of based on the movie They Live. I was in an old school that had been painted over to make it look new and there was a principle there trying to convince me that it was a new school. I was looking at the lockers and the dates on them said 1960, at this point i realized the people were lying and I kept trying to convince the other students this whole place was some kind of prison. The dreamed then changed to take place in a super market and I asked the cashier if he heard that weird signal, he looked at me and laughed. The signal was coming from Saturn. It hid the aliens from view, they were really tall and had long fingers and were sort of driving the herd of people like cattle, or a crossing guard telling people where to shop, and what to buy. I saw them, they saw me and tried to choke me, i ran and got away, and then saw the whole world was a prisoner of them. They were everywhere and in total control. We were just fat little pets, running in a maze, easily controlled. But if you block the signal, you could escape, then i woke up. I waited all day to type this, because it was so crazy and I didn't really want to post it.