12/4/20 Joel is showing off Chiang Mai locations. There are fragments of food and countryside businesses as we hop around a map of Thailand. It is borderline cartoonish at times. Too many fragments. I was dreaming then suddenly walking into a bar/poolhall/game center which happened to be close to my house. I was excited and full of energy to be there. There are fun lights and awesome smells, the place is packed with people. I was moving quickly through the crowd just exploring the entire place. It felt like a new well financed business which had everything entertainment you could imagine. People my age were just hanging out drinking, playing games and the mood was elevated. I begin singing at the top of my lungs like chester with a couple other guys. It sounds good and we rock out while people walk around us just causally listening and bobbing their heads. At a certain point I find Nathan in there so we hang out some, I want a beer so we go to the bar in the center of the building. I don't remember arriving here so I ask the guy bartending like 3 times if this is really happening because I didn't think any of it was real. He laughs and assures me it's real, telling me I seem to be having a really good time. I felt like it was a dream the majority of the time. I walk with Nathan down the street to go smoke or something, he is staying at a house which is close by. It was like 12:50 when we left to go to the other house. When we finish we walk back and it is like 1:15 when we get there. All the lights are off and no one is there but the owners, they are still happy to have us in. They let us in and I am confused. It was so packed and now it is completely empty. They inform us they do close at 1 due to it being a new business and having so many people in one place at once. It was only the second day they had been open and it was incredibly successful. We all hang out with the owners for a while. It is a sweet business. Diner food, arcade games, karaoke, pool hall, and a fancy bar in the center to boot. I ran multiple laps while they were open. Kept finding myself in the upstairs 'employees only' area. The woman owner saw me up there once and didn't seem to mind, just casually pointing out which way I should go. Hang out with the owners talking about the business for a while, they are really cool and laid back. While talking I gather there are now two couples or at least another guy and girl with the couple who own the place. The girl owner is sleeping on a cot face down and the new girl who looks like the brunette from Raised by Wolves makes a comment about how her friend always sleeps in super late because she gave her extra NyQuil. While giving me a knowing look. I gather she has killed her quietly somehow and is aiming to take her place. (This is what happened in the show, no spoilers). There is another guy I don't really recognize, he has a shaved head and bright grey eyes, he is in on it as well. I don't understand why any of this is happening so I just quietly excuse myself. In talking to them as I am leaving I must have filled out an application to work there as it is on the counter of the bar. I consider taking it with me so I am not connected to this thing which is obviously about to blow up. But decide that may look suspicious so I leave it where it was. It's the next day and I am walking back again, I end up in a large complex which is a public space built to be a hangout spot. It is a large indoor dome structure with a water feature on top of a pile of boulders in the center. It is well landscaped and looks ritzy and well lit. Perfectly manicured little odd shapes of grass and perfectly fitted red brick paths all leading around the area. With concrete circular tables and benches scattered about. I walk around and find a food court area with music coming from it. It is decorated like a 30's style speakeasy, brass rails, wooden carved accents, large tan fans, black and white tiles, the works. Just past a Starbucks there is a stage with a guy and a girl playing instruments singing. I feel like I've heard the song before, it sounds like some kind of folk music, they look like people from my old church. This whole thing has a very Sunday afternoon vibe. There is a large crowd of teenagers sitting in the audience watching. Only half paying attention because, you know, teenagers. I try to walk around the back of the crowd to get out the side door but there is just a mass of people mostly girls all sitting asses to elbows blocking the walking path with their stools and tables. I walk around and in front of everyone to leave the building. Walking back down the strip mall it is the next morning and I am super tired. I realize I have been barefoot and look for a pair of my shoes in the mass of pairs of shoes that have been left in front of the poolhall. I find several pairs that look like mine but none of them fit. Before laying down the 'other' guy shows up out front. He has a concerned look on his face but he attempts to make smalltalk with me. He mentions working for a launch provider which is close to here and they have a couple satellites to launch in the next few days. I am not really interested and don't want to talk to him much longer. I have a bed/my big winter sleeping bag rolled out and I try to get some sleep on the sidewalk while people are walking/driving by. While falling asleep I see a group of three cops standing on the sidewalk down the way from me. I pretend not to notice them and begin to fall asleep in the dream. I wake up to a sort of middle aged hispanic woman getting my attention standing over me, I immediately tell her I was about to scuttle off, I am still fairly drowsy. But I notice she is a police officer, she asks if I am 'No-ha' I say yes and shake her hand from laying down. I ask her name and she says 'In-ki-ya' her friends call her. I already know exactly what all of this is about. But I play dumb and look around to notice there are now 6 or 7 police cruisers of various designs on the street now. I say 'Whooa, what's this all about?? I see a lot of cop cars, and one really messed up car' then I notice another car/van which looks like it has been completely stripped for parts, no doors or wheels or anything sitting in front of the shopping mall, (I have been sleeping in front of the pool hall where it all went down apparently). I put on my best clueless face/attitude not wanting to get involved. I gather she's not buying it and already suspicious of me. I am traveling to Doug's house with G, we've never visited him before so we're very excited. When we get there he is overwhelmed to see us. We are all hanging out around him in his living room. We're all nude and his hair is longer and comes down over his eyes. It's casual and I gather we're all kind of passively watching a ritual taking place in the corner of the room. It opens up into a rocky cave and in the distance I can see a burning monument of sorts. It kind of looks like a mini greek colosseum with life-sized figurines all holding hands around the border, like the Indian Circle of Friends sculpture. The flames are yellow and white but not consuming the structure. I understand what we are witnessing is very important and thousands of years old. Doug is talking about people he knows who have trouble understanding their own reality. I make a remark about 'how many people get to see a 5,000 year old ritual, in a cave, while nude?' it is comforting and reassuring to watch. We are now in an oversized tub, almost like a hot tub mixed with an overly large Victorian footed porcelain tub. We're all sitting around the edges. There is a squid like octopus swimming around. Everytime it touches me it latches onto my hand, the suckers kind of hurt and it doesn't want to let go.
I'm sort of coming up with a new awareness training idea. I decided to write it out so it'll I'd remember to apply the idea later on. The problem with my old system of rating my awareness was that I had to take pauses in between to measure my score. This sort of gave pauses in between what I did that gave more room to lose awareness. I noticed that during the day, about 80%, I'd find myself (automatically) regaining awareness or doing sort of what I did every 3-4 events. So It's sort of like a regaining the present awareness. There were some times where I'd lose this 3-4, where I'd become emotional or something like that. I did my best to stay aware and notice what the source of the sleeping autopilot and... It's something like attachment I guess. To emotion or things, past or future? I don't know exactly. It's like not the act of feeling it but how I react to feeling or events. It's sort of like the un-attachment that skipper was talking about probably. But I guess I'm discovering it or rediscovering it through the hard way by experience. So my idea for a new awareness training is to just count the number of times - well two ideas perhaps. Count the number of times I got unaware or I got aware. Use that as a score. I will have to test it out and see how it goes. But the idea of counting the number of unawareness isn't really new, it's just like the prayer beads that monks use to count the number of times they lost their mindfulness or something. But the other problem I had with the previous practice was that I needed something to write down my score. And it might have been not ideal, as I was anchoring this increased awareness to writing, and I can't always have time or situation to note it down. Is it more important to notice the surroundings or the emotions? Maybe the noticing of emotions should be - or better be described as noticing attachments? BUT I also need a way to break the cycle of attachments on top of that. Say, to stop the mind from wandering after getting distracted- or like simply a new default mode network or thought process to implant after noticing myself getting attached? One at a time? Or both at once? Perhaps cycling them would be nice. Practice one on some days and practice the other on the rest. Or maybe just do nothing at all - just let things unfold on it's own. And all I need to do is to just- ...be? Dreams School ukulele May 4 hr ish AP BED re outside storm vivid
12/3/20 I am with a group of people who all feel like outcasts of some kind. Marc Ruffalo is with us and at one point he throws a bus as hulk with us on it for rapid transportation. We are a sort of mutant club with all varying abilities. I can shoot web from my wrists like Spidey but I don't believe I have any of the other abilities. There is a part where the goblin is attacking me and I keep shooting web at his face. Only the web is thin and spindly like a normal spiders web and not doing anything besides making him webby, not like thick Spidey web. Goblin is somewhat inconvenienced but not overly upset with me. I am at a general country store and notice they have fireworks for super cheap. Like 1¢ bottle rockets and 5¢ firecrackers. I want to buy some but don't have any money. It's such a great deal. I am watching a movie with some mother, I think it is someone I used to work with. Her son gets home, he bought a pack of fireworks. When he hands them to me I notice they are burning like an ember. Out of caution for them not exploding I douse them with water. While by the sink I accidentally turn on a burner on low and burn up a towel that was sitting on the oven. It smokes up the house but no one noticed until just the corners were remaining. There is a plasticy synthetic smell in the air. The father of the family gets home, he doesn't know I am there and sees me before his family and isn't very happy to see me. He offers to drive me home, I am grateful. While driving the mood was somewhat tense and I noticed we get off on the wrong exit driving towards the city rather than my neighborhood. Wartime we are being shot at. I am with friends and we have a goal to accomplish by setting certain checkpoints. They are small white buttons on the battlefield that we need to active one at a time. The last one my friend gets shot up pretty bad he can't move very well and I am tearing apart some raw chicken over the button but cannot set the checkpoint. A guy is standing maybe ten feet away shooting at us. I have no more bullets so I pull out a chef's knife and yell like a crazy person while charging at him. He gives up before I get to him and throws his gun away. We set the checkpoint and the war is over. I bump fists with the guy who gave up as a sign of good faith. My friend is fine. My arms are shot up and really sore but everyone lives. I am in an older elementary school after-hours. There is some sort of biden campaign event going on that I am not totally connected to, I don't see anyone involved but know it's happening. When helping clear up one of the classrooms I go into a small supply closet My parents are in there as well as other workers. My coworkers from the spa I used to work at come in all in the same uniform. I say hey old fam but none of them recognize me or acknowledge me really, I am wearing blue jeans. My old boss who I had a falling out with walks in she has a mask on and a sideways red painters hat. I am wearing a mask and realize we are all in too close of quarters. She starts talking to my father and I excuse myself out of the small room. I accidentally knock her knee with my backpack when walking around her, she rubs it like I hurt her and I leave the room without her recognizing me. I had fallen asleep in another room and was very drowsy when collecting my things, and I kept picking up other people's things. There are three hispanic black girls who are my friends in the room. I keep trying to leave but keep going back into the room because I seem to think I forgot something. I remember where my phone was, only when I pick it up it is purple and has a girl's name on it. It is the same as my phone but looks like someone else's. I am confused. When looking for it the girls are gathered around helping me they are confused too. Then I notice my phone outline in my jean pocket. I don't tell them and put the phone back in its place telling them not to worry about it. I am sure I will find my phone somewhere. I am very drowsy and nothing is making sense. I go to leave again and the older woman teacher tells me to give my jacket back to the other girl. I am confused but then realize she had given me the tight fitting jacket to wear because I was cold. I apologise again and take it off to give back to her. I also have a backpack on I am not sure is mine. Severe imposter syndrome combined with heavy 'i just woke up' drowsiness. They all like me, like they look up to me but I am acting like an idiot. One of them thinks I live in texas. I tell them where I'm from is not far from here. I spend a while looking for my car in the parking lot though I know I rode here with my parents. At a certain point I am chasing my cat through the hallways, only it's dark and I don't think it's my cat once I catch it.
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