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bedtime: 22:20

Probably my most emotional, direct, confrontational encounter with my deceased wife these many years after her passing.
I've had many dreams where she "returns" as if from a business trip, and I'm already with my new wife (usually before we were married), and I have a huge dilemma about whom I will stay with. But this time I remembered...

~ 03:555

+ [vivid] I'm driving in a car with my 1st [deceased] wife. She's in the driver's seat driving the car, I'm sitting in the right hand side of the back seat. We are not in good relations, she's upset with me, like our relationship is ruined. Music is playing, and a Billy Joel song begins (seems like "Rosalinda's eyes", the musical climax portion of the chorus), it was "our song" [false, that was Natalie Cole songs], and my wife becomes emotional and says she still loves me. (She cries? I cry?) I reach out and stroke her shoulder to comfort her.

I'm standing outside in the sunlight in an open area. I look at my hands [I've been working on "I find/see my hands in dreams and realize I'm dreaming"], both of my [true in waking] rings are in place [First time that's happened!], the silver one and the wedding ring, one each on their proper hands ring fingers. I realize I'm married to my new wife now. It's the [familiar] dilemma -- what shall I do? I have no intention of leaving my new wife. I decide to remove my wedding ring for the meanwhile to hide it from my 1st wife. I'm a bit concerned about losing it rolling around loose in my pocket. I notice that the ring has left very noticeable impressions on my ring finger, from the protrusions it has on the inside face [false, this is day residue from viewing pictures of the Oura sleep tracking ring in the day, which has electronics on the inner side of the ring]. I think she still may see these markings and suspect something, I rub my finger where the ring sat in hopes that they'll smooth out and become not so visible.

My first wife is consulting a lawyer about a divorce. She is reviewing some papers and reading some excerpts from them.

I'm thinking about what I can do -- I'm married to two women at the same time. This is bigamy and I know it's against the law. I could end up in prison for 10 years. This has me very upset. I'm thinking and thinking what to do. I get the feeling that the marriage to my 1st wife should be annullable for some reason. This thought sticks with me. Then I get the notion that the first marriage ended because she died, so we're not married any more.

Inside our home. I walk into the boys's room and I see that on their computer screen they're looking at with some colorful image (some game) instead of working on the assignment they're supposed to be working on.

Inside our CA home, we're there with our two young sons (5-7 yrs aged in the dream). I tell her the truth: "You're dead, you died from cancer several years ago." She moves (sort of aggressively/possessively) towards my two sons (me and my sons are standing with our backs against a wall?), and I intervene myself between them to keep her from scaring them. She seems to realize the truth and she backs off. She knows she has to go.

In any amazingly touching moment, my younger son reaches up to a bulletin board on the wall in front of us where some of their children's artwork are displayed, and takes down one of his works, and gives it to her so she can have it with her for comfort for all eternity.

In our final confrontation, my wife and I we are standing facing each other, close, looking in to each other's eyes. She asks me: "Do you think there is life after death? Or do we just disappear into the Chaos?" I say "oh, you can still come and visit from time to time," trying to comfort her. She seems very doubtful, and (maybe says) "really?" (in a very doubtful voice). Then her eyes begin to change: there are (spirals? Like little galaxies) in the center, then they start to flash to pure white (no pupil no irirs) back and forth to the spiral eyes, and eventually remain all white, very freaky/dead looking.

I wake up, I'm really shaken and have all-body goose bumps. I get the feeling this was a really significant dream and perhaps a real visitation.
I spend some time fixing the key moments from the dream to memory.

It takes a long time to calm down, eventually I sleep more and dream some more....

+ in the hood: I'm visiting some people inside their house. Outside the window across the street a large force of (police?) are gathering, they are all armed and I can see the pistols in their hands. They're preparing to storm the house directly across the street. There is a window in that house across, it is dark but with some blue and red lights (like neon lights or LED lights). I think this is not a safe place for us to be, I say "hey everybody, let's move farther inside the house," I don't want us to be hit by any stray bullets.

(This family I'm visiting is African American?)

One of the family members (a woman) is sitting in a doorway and is holding a small pistol in her hand. I move a bit back from her.

+[f] some short scenes:

I pick up my two arm support pillows and am walking with them to some other room, I'm looking at them and asking someone, "are these my pillows?"

Some woman is talking to me about what I need to do at work. I'm taking a business trip? I know I need to be up at 7, I think the jet lag from the trip will really mess up my new sleep timing and I'll miss more sleep.

There are some people outside, there is a corridor/walking below me. On the left are some gym-style exercise machines (some people are using them?). I think there is a lat training machine there, and that I should use it.

Some woman is inside a large indoor area like a greenhouse, she is tending to things embedded in the floor. It's some sort of (sexual?) performance art / entertainment area, where customers will come later. The woman then prepares to be a customer (?), and along the edge is a bunch of "living" greenery that transforms, and part of it becomes adult male genitalia with curly pubic hair.

Drifting in an out of sleep, trying to rest, alarm goes off at 07:00

bedtime 22:45

waking with recall: 05:20
didn't fall asleep again, but got close
got up 07:20 (missed 07:00 alarm)

+ (newly back to) work at company "N" [DS! DS! DS! Need to catch these! VERY common!] office #1
Long meandering dull rows of work stations, not even cubes, "cubelets" or just rows of computers all next to each other. Everybody is at their desk, nobody is anywhere else. It's very strict here. I go to the kitchen / common area, want to check it out, and a very fat large security woman comes and scolds me (and others there?) that we need to get back to work. Nobody here moves from their seats during the day, apparently.

In the kitchen area I see a video game arcade area, 5-6 machines (cabinet size) are there and some people are mulling around there playing them. I see pinball! I love pinball. I look more hoping to see an "old-time" pinball, without all the modern stuff, and I see on there on the right! Just a few bumpers and trap holes on the playing field. The machine is standing perpendicular to my view, I'm on its right side, I walk up to it, it's right up against other machines and there's a guy standing right there so I have to push through the gap to get in front of the machine. As I walk by, I slap the right bumper button a few times to see if it works, and I notice that it does. I get to the front of the machine, and start playing, a ball is in play, and I start manipulating the bumpers. I follow the ball around and skillfully trap and hit the ball with the bumpers, aiming for key features. I do pretty well and keep the ball in play for a while. Once I get the ball through a chute all the way back up to the top, I love it when I can manage that happening. It really feels like I'm playing the game! [no sound I think?]

+ Interlude dream in between office #1 and office #2?
[forgotten details] there's a guy jumping from one tall building to another, as he jumps to the other building he catches on a hanging wire (sideways, like draped between two windows far apart, sagging from gravity in the middle). Then the view changes to me watching him from inside a room in the other building. The man is manipulating two electrical wires to generate a high-voltage electrical attack against the (thieves?) inside the room, it will happen when he brings the wires together.

(I'm inside the room? People are inside? I walk from one room to another?)

+ office #2
I'm back in the office. This time the cubes are laid out differently and are more like cube with semi-high walls around them. I'm at the end of (or standing outside in the corridor) my cube looking into my cube. I notice the amount of space, it's not too small, I see the carpet on the floor, I look at it and think there's enough room to lie down there (and do yoga?).

Then my cube seems like a large closet or enclosed bed with clothes hung all around the walls. I'm sitting on the bed on the ground (perhaps elevated?) Very small, meter square perhaps. I see jeans and other clothes (socks? shirts) hanging up, I move some of them around? I think the employer will not like to see these clothes hanging here if they open the door and look inside.

I'm standing in my cube and looking out past the far "door" (opening) to the neighboring cubes across the hallway. There are two, one immediately to the left and one immediately to the right, their mutual wall is centered in the center of my view and centered on my cube opening. I look for the name plates and read the names, they are both female names. I notice office equipment in each: printers, desks, etc. In the right cube there is a young woman employee working. She is sitting at her desk with her right side facing me. An HR representative (also female) is sitting behind her talking to her. The discussion is about the company's coverage for various anti-viral, anti-bacterial medications, the HR rep is going on for a while about the possible coverage. The employee eventually says, exasperated, "I don't want to take any (stupid?) anti-viral medication!". She stands up. I recognize her as a former colleague from my 2nd job many years ago. She has slimmed down (much slimmer than in waking) a lot and is very attractive. She looks at me and our eyes meet, we recognize each other, I raise my right hand and "wave" at her using a "wave to a baby" motion by bending only the upper half of all my fingers (sort of a "finger wave"), the same wave I used to young children in waking. (She says "let's meet later"?). I notice her clothing is very loose and flowing about her body, with a large arm opening allowing a generous view of her breasts and torso, I expect to see her naked underneath the clothing but while I see the form of her breasts they seem to be covered in some thin material.

+[f] motorcycle guy? Some guy is riding a motorcycle, and mentions getting some expensive champagne?

I’m in some house - I guess it is mine or mine and Melissa’s. Erika and Mason from work are here. It seems dim or dark out and they are on this large couch in what feels like a small living room or den. It also feels like it’s upstairs. They are both just on their phones. I notice another, unfamiliar girl on the floor, on her phone as well. She is wearing only a shirt and underwear. I realize that the three of them are going to be staying the night. I think of where I’m going to sleep and then remember I have a bedroom here. I think of offering to sleep on the couch, but it doesn’t make much sense. The couch is an L shape, and I go find something to put next to the ottoman to make a square sleeping space. Whatever I find is a good couple inches too short, but I think they can fill it in with blankets or something.

I am going through a Starbucks drive through. It looks like the Starbucks is in a line of businesses, and its drive through is behind them all. The shopping center is also up higher than the main road by it. It seems like I’m the only person in line. I order a cold brew or iced coffee. At the window, I think they give me something weird like just a cup of ice or an empty cup. I think there is something about their coffee being really watery.

I am floating and/or walking down a shallow and not that wide river (it seems similar to the Truckee downtown). It seems like it is underground or in a really deep crevice. At one point I go down one of the rapids and hear people nearby gasp. I don’t find it nearly that impressive. There is a woman here who also floats down a rapid, face first, with ease and nonchalance. I think she’s been doing this for a while.

I am at ‘Tahoe’. (Really, it is a river about the width and depth of the Truckee downtown, though in a more natural setting). I approach a spot that looks clear and deep and get in fully without hesitation. I’m surprised at how mild the water temperature is; I definitely can’t call it cold and it’s even closer to lukewarm. There’s someone else in here; I bump into him as I surface. Now, I’m a little upstream from where I was and on higher ground, overlooking the river. There may be the thought of jumping in. I also may realize better from here that it’s a river.

I am walking up to a library with the intent to apply for a job. It looks like a library in an elementary or high school. I think I’ve just been with Melissa, going over my resume or application. I walk up to the counter. There are a few quiet employees; a younger middle aged man comes over to me after a moment. I had felt confident, but now I just feel like I’m stumbling over my words. I mention that I’d like to apply for a job. Nonplussed, he asks why I think I’d be good for this job. I tell him something to the effect of me always being in and good at customer service. Now looking slightly amused, he hints that that’s all this job is. I hand over my resume. It’s written in pencil on notebook paper, and there is some awareness that it really isn’t a good look.

I’m driving home, I think from downtown, though it mostly looks unfamiliar. I’m at a Y type intersection, waiting to turn to the left. I pull out slightly, waiting for the cars coming from the other fork. The light turns yellow while I’m still waiting and red as I finally make it through. I’m not trying to pick out a Furthur show on my phone; I think I have a lot of time, so I’m looking for a long one. I find one with a long timestamp, but clicking into it it looks more like studio material. Now, I’m parking at a 45 degree angle on some dirt shoulder. A cop car parks right next to me, which is weird with all the space around. The cop then gets out and sits in my passenger seat. She’s taken off her uniform (there are street clothes under - I think leggings and a pink tank top) and stuffed it to the right side of her. She says something like ‘you look flushed, so I’m just waiting [to get me for something].’ I take a quick video of her from head to toe. She is a large female with an intense, childish face. I sit in complete silence.