lucid

Last night bed around 8 pm

WBTB 2:14 am - 4:11 am

2:41am - 3x 300 alpha GPC (300 more than normal 600 dose)
4:11am 8mgs Galantamine

I was really sleepy and ready to fall asleep just on time, about 15 min into taking GM, 2hr 45 min into taking GPC.

But dangit, had to get up 4 times, every time when I was on the verge. I got pissed (and I realized that I shouldn't have, because no problem is big enough to put me in bad mood and nix my WILDing chance). So I just said ef it and laid on my side, knowing that I had WILDs here as well, so I knew I can still do it. I just couldn't lay on my usual WILD position on my back with pillows anymore.

So I finally fell asleep just as the GM was one hour into it's effect, on the top of it, and so was GPC, at it's peak at 3 hrs after taking it.

I was in a dream in some situation 100% sure I'm not dreaming. To prove it to someone, I counted my fingers. There was 6, then 8, then over 10. I realized I'm dreaming.

Started walking around and remembered the Turn the Moon blue TOTM. Looked for the Moon, but didn't see it, again. So I remembered some personal goals I set my intent on doing during WBTB. I turned around thinking - behind me is my past life. I looked, but I don't think it was behind me. When I turned back in front of me, there was a distant scene. All lit in deep blue, silver, black illumination. Almost like light through blue ice. 5-6 steps, made of stone, very long ones. Like leading to a throne. 3-4 warriors were standing on those stairs. Dark looking, scary, ominous. Holding spears. Reminded me of those frozen warriors from Thor movie, that Thor went to fight to their frozen planet.

I turned away thinking it's too scary and no way I'm gonna explore that. But next second I changed my mind and got excited about my decision to actually go there and see if it's really dangerous, or if some adventure awaits. Since I learned that not everything that looks scary actually is and it's good to overcome your fears. (I'm also doing this in my lucids when I'm exploring houses.)

After this, I found myself in some sexual situation. I was already losing lucidity here, so majority of this was in a non-lucid.

Some private house, getting ready for a sx party. Closing curtains and such, undressing. Lots of preparations. Not sure if it even got to any action. I know someone was there whom I knew, and rules were that if that happens, you can leave, coz that's awkward. But that person happend to be my boss in WL and they said No, I can't leave. Lol, being screwed over at work is translating beautifully into my dreams, haha.

2017, 08-07

Game of Dreams - A Fall and A Healing Touch

Bran: I am playing a virtual reality game of Assassin’s Creed. I am in a medieval setting and I know my goal is to make it to the top of a broken tower. I climb a tree to reach the roof. I make my way across the rooftops, jumping and climbing with ease. I reach a stretch with a row of stone gargoyles just perfectly placed to swing from one to the next like on a child’s jungle gym. I swing from one to the next and then I hear voices from what I’d thought was an empty part of the castle. I get closer and hear a man and a woman talking about getting rid of the hand of the king, I immediately think they’re talking about my father! I swing to the gargoyle over the window and hang upside down to see who the culprits are, I’ll need to know who they are when I tell my father. When I peek in the two of them are making out. I remember hearing the man call the woman “sweet sister” so that means brother and sister are making out… I make an involuntary sound of disgust. The man looks over and I recognize the queen! The man comes towards me, I try to climb back up but the gargoyle breaks and I fall, grabbing the ledge by the window. The man reaches for me and says to take his hand. Not a chance! I’m sure they don’t want this secret getting out! I try to move away from the window but I’m too slow… the man grabs me and pushes me out into open air, I fall into my bed and wake.

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Tyrion: I am in a library. It is an old fashioned looking library with old leather bound books. I get up and leave the library. There’s a stairway going down outside. I hear people below talking about a boy who got hurt. A man calls the other as a prince, the prince sounds like a boy. The man says he wishes the injured kid would hurry up and die. The prince says it’s the wolf he can’t stand, the howling kept him up all night. The man says he could put the wolf down. The prince says there’s so many that the Starks would never notice. What a couple of assholes! I go the rest of the way over to them and respond to the boy’s comment that no one would notice the missing wolf. I say I’m quite sure the Starks can count to six, unlike some princes I could mention. It then occurs to me that the boy should go give his sympathies to the parents of the hurt boy. He calls me his uncle and says he doesn’t care about that boy! What an asshole! Someone should slap him in his ugly mug… so I do. He looks stunned then whines that he’s going to tell his mom! So I slap him again, making his cheeks a matching red. I tell him he can tell his mom all he wants, but first go tell the boy’s parents how sorry he is that their boy is hurt and emphasize if they need anything at all, the boy is glad to help. He runs off, I’m feeling quite satisfied as everything fades.

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John: I am in a stairway that seems to be leading up a medieval castle tower. I am going up to say goodbye to my brother, he has been hurt. I also know that he is actually my half-brother, and his mother doesn’t want me there. But I want to see my brother before I have to leave. I climb up the stairs more quickly and when I get to a door at the top I open it slowly. The woman is sitting in a chair beside a bed where my brother lies, unresponsive. The woman asks what I’m doing here, I say I’m going to say goodbye to Bran. She says I should leave. She gives me a dirty look that could curdle milk. I ignore her look and walk over beside the bed, on the other side from the woman. She says she’ll call the guards. I tell her to go ahead, I have every right to say goodbye to my brother. I go over and take Bran’s hand. He is so very skinny, almost skeletal. I see under the covers that his legs look like they’re bent wrong… didn’t anyone even bother to set the bones? I know it’s a medieval setting without a lot of medical knowledge, but really? I wish I could do something, something to heal him. I am focusing on healing him as I hold his hand. There’s movement under the covers. The woman gets excited and looks, but the movement stops. The legs look better now. The woman is talking. She says she prayed for this… she prayed to the seven that Bran could stay with her, that Ned would change his mind… she’s crying. I don’t know what else to do, so I say this isn’t her fault, she didn’t want him to stay with her like this… She gets mad at me and says she doesn’t need my absolution. I say of course she doesn’t… but she needs her own absolution, don’t blame yourself. Before she can respond I leave the room and everything fades.

2017, 08-05

Game of Dreams

John: I am in a large room full of tables and a lot of people. There is a procession of what look like VIPs going down the center aisle towards a raised table at the front of the room. First a stressed looking man with a distracted looking woman, then another woman with a really fat man, followed by a little kid on his own then two more pairs of kids, two boys and two girls. Next comes a nice looking man standing alongside a short guy that looks more like a dwarf than a human. But I don’t see any other races around so I assume he is a short human. And then a feast begins. I am eating various meats and breads and drinking a sweet wine when something brushes my leg. There is a wolf pup down there so I give the pup some of the meats. A man comes over and we start chatting about various details we have noticed. The name Uncle Ben comes to mind. He says they can use observational skills like mine in the Knight’s Watch. This idea immediately appeals to me, but in spite of the fact Ben is the one who brought it up, he keeps saying I can’t do it because I am just a boy. If I am too young then why did he suggest it in the first place? I get mad and then realize I’m making a scene and that gets me even more upset so I run outside. I see the short man from the procession earlier and he says he drank too much wine and it’s considered rude to vomit on your brother. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now so I keep going and then everything fades.

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Catelyn: I am in a bedroom of what looks like it might be a medieval period. I am a woman, and I spot that immediately because I am naked. I am lying in bed naked while a man in the room is standing by an open window and apparently enjoying a cool breeze that is blowing in. He says he doesn’t want to leave Winterfell. I tell him if he doesn’t want to go just say so. A man knocks on the door with an urgent message, or so he says. The message is for me. I open it and at first it looks like gibberish, but when I look at it in a slightly different way I can see what it means. Ned’s (my husband) friend is dead, but he was murdered by the Lannisters. I tell Ned that is another reason not to go. He says this letter changes everything, now he has to go south with Robert to find out the truth of what happened to his friend. He says Robert may even be in danger. There is a bit more talk about where the kids will stay, he is expecting I will stay behind to run Winterfell while he’s away. I’m not feeling good about the conclusions we reach, but then everything fades to black.

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Arya: I am in a classroom working on arts and crafts. I look at my work I am not pleased. For some reason I have been sewing a very crooked line of stitches. I hear a group of girls not far from me whispering… about me? They say they were talking about a Prince who is so handsome and gallant. There is another group of girls with the teacher. I am sitting by myself as happened throughout my actual school years. The teacher comes over and looks at my stitching. She says it will never do. She says I have the hands of a blacksmith. The other girls are all staring, some are laughing… even my sister looks amused. I am embarrassed. I want to leave. I get up and head for the door. The teacher asks where I think I’m going. I’m mad about the blacksmith comment and I tell her I have to shoe a horse. I leave the room and slam the door behind me. I go down some stairs and find my wolf pup at the bottom of the stairs tied up. I untie her and decide to look around. I walk for a while and find a covered bridge with a boy gazing through a window into the combat training yard. I look there and see some kids practicing with wooden swords. One boy is saying he wants to use live steel, and another boy is saying to bring it on, but the instructor won’t allow it. I am still watching when everything fades.

For context, this was a DILD from an FA and was the dream that finally broke my 1 month dry streak!
I wake up and do everything as normal. However, when I am dressing I decide to do a RC. IT checks out so, as usual I start do see everything blurry. I try to stabilize but it doesn't work too well... A then decide do head down the stairs. When I reach the bottom everything turns dark for a few seconds and then I see clearly for the first time in the dream!!
I head to the kitchen to try to eat something, but I decide to do the "Google Search" task instead. I grab my phone, which was, somehow, in my pocket, and turn it on. It shows no signs of abnormal behaviour. I open Chrome and search "dream lucid". The first three results are videos and the first is titled "OMFG - Lucid Dream". Then there are a few links to webpages with LD induction methods and one link to Wikipedia that says something about oxygen, nitrogen and 23 years... After that I wander a bit and lose lucidity

Optimized 1 minute 30 second read.

Saturday morning, 5 August 2017.

Walking in Northside La Crosse (features Silas Weir Mitchell)

Dream # 18,492-02.





There are a few repeating scenes where I walk west in daylight down a sidewalk on Sill Street, on the south side of it, in La Crosse, Wisconsin. I had turned right at Loomis Street and am near the intersection at Wood Street.

I am nude except for a blanket hanging down, wrapped around my shoulders. I feel no embarrassment or sense of displacement.

At times, I see the actor Silas Weir Mitchell walking on the opposite side of the street, about a quarter of a block behind me. He appears to be happy, but we do not meet. I get the impression he knows I am only out for a walk to pick up something to take back to the Loomis Street house (even though my dream self does not focus on what it might be).

I consider checking the contents of a green dipsy dumpster in the parking lot of a Country Kitchen restaurant (not a real-world setting). I wonder if it might contain something valuable someone had discarded. Instead of going near it, I circle it from a distance and return to where I was.

Because I am "walking with intent," I sense there are many other people in the area even though I do not see them. Silas does not appear in this location.

---

Causality details:

The names Silas and Sill underlie a typical dream state hodgepodge, both beginning with "Sil." I do not corrupt this detail by pretending it has "meaning," only television influence.

Celebrities occur in my dreams as personified protoconsciousness primarily because dreaming encompasses a similar state of sensory deprivation as watching television in waking life, with minimal attentiveness to my real-world physicality, cognizance, and immediate environment.

Ultimately, that is also why "walking with intent" sometimes brings about the sense of having an invisible audience, associating the dream state with being in a television broadcast or movie.

Minimal "slope navigation" occurs in the parking lot scene caused by my vestibular-motor response to REM sleep. A parking lot corresponds with a lucid thread signifying a stage of liminality between dreaming and waking, similar to what it represents in real life.

---

I'm off today, but wasn't planning on WILDing. Then I woke up around 1am and wasn't able to fall back asleep.

So I got up, watched some TV and took

2x300 Alpha GPC - 2:47am
8mgs Galantamine - 3:53am

and went back to sleep on the sofa.

Next thing I know, I'm sitting up, laying down, sitting up, laying down... over and over.
I realize I'm dreaming and I added some feet to head flat sliding motion. Then I hovered out of the room in the same position.

I decided right away that I want some sx, after not LDing for about 3 wks. I got some 2 long sx episodes.

Next time, i don't remember how, but I ended up on the street. Started walking slowly. I noticed how good my awareness is and how long it lasts. I wanted to do something meaningful, haha, so I kneeled down and started to pour dirt through my hands while noticing how it feels.

Then I remembered the TOTM - change the moon to blue. I read what dreamvixen said in the thread and at that time I decided that I want to do this task.

I looked up and it was at night, but overcast. I kept looking for the moon. Did the "hey look, there is the moon", but it didn't work. That's when I said forget it and got some more sx.

I have recently taken up using the voice recorder for recording dreams, but in preparation for the upcoming dream workshop I will be running I will start using manual entry again. I need to get quick, to the point and sharp in sharing dream content with others, so I can be a leading example for the people I coach.

Now before I start out with writing the dreams of the previous 3 nights, which I have bullet pointed on paper there is a couple of highly significant dream I want to write up. These all pertain to the significance of the Dinosaurs, particulary the T-Rex, in my dreams, as these have heralded some pretty significant developments over the past year. In fact just sitting down listening to some of the files have sent goosebumps through my body at some of the symbolisms and messages contained in these dreams.

The first occurred during the summer of 2016, I was in full swing with writing my thesis and I had seen a blossoming of my use of cannabis, cigarettes and other kinds of addiction. As such I had started working directly with my dreams with regards exploring the reason for my smoking, or addiction in general.

I had noticed that recently a T-Rex had started appearing as a repeating theme in my dreams. Like for instance I saw him in a hotel roof top pool on 01-08-16, where I hid in a pool with a friend trying to avoid being caught – where I speculate that he is connected with investigation of smoking. Or on 08-08-16 I found myself in a dinosaur park, a la Jurassic Park, with a hole in the fence, where the T-Rex was on the inside, but I end up getting caught by a raptor and eaten just outside the park in a broken car, where I was trying to hide out. And such I started setting intentions for my next lucid dream to investigate what this symbol of the T-Rex could represent.

I don't have a record of this lucid dream where I manage to summon the T-Rex, but it occurred within a couple of weeks following the setting of the intention to investigate, before 01-09-2016, when I moved out of the place I was living and back in with my parents.

I recall being awake in the morning, to then go back to sleep with the intention to summon the T-Rex.

“Summoning the T-Rex”

I am sat in our living room. It is forenoon and I am texting M – a primary school class mate, whom I have always maintained a slight crush on. We are talking about a party and I feel I am somewhat intruding, but she end up inviting me around.

Then all of a sudden a text message rolls in from the phone company, which reads something like “We are all one, you no longer need to put in the number or contact of the person you are trying to reach it will happen automatically.” This stumbles me a bit, but I don't think much further of it.

There is a slight skip.

I find myself in a bus headed out from Aarhus towards Hornslet. I speculate on the nature of “oneness” and start feeling my consciousness drift outwards, though not quite becoming one. At one point a bus pass in the opposite direction and a choir of children are singing a song, with the lyrics “we are all one” included.

The bus drives off the high way and I find myself walking on the road below, heading under the bridge with the highway on top.

I am with my old friend Tim and we are walking together. I look up and I see a hawk sitting in mid air, which I find curious as its wings are placed alongside its body. It basically looks like it is sitting on a stick, though there is no stick there to be sat on.

Then it makes a rapid dive and hits the ground beak first right next to me, which startles me quite a lot.

We walk on, towards the bridge, past a couple of bushes on the side of the road that have purple flowers on them. As we walk a couple of smaller birds come flying straight towards my face, so I have to step quickly to the left to avoid being hit.

I start thinking to myself: “This is truly strange behaviour for birds.” and as we approach the bridge finally I see a crow sitting in one of the bushes by the side. I start looking around and I decide to look at my hands.

I become lucid and I spend a few moments stabilising the dream, and when I feel comfortable I start thinking about my goals.

“Ah the T-Rex!” I say out loud and abandon my friend to go look for him. I turn around, away from the bridge in the opposite direction and start screaming out over the fields “T-Rex, Where Are You??” but I don't get a response.

I find myself next to a crash barrier, again screaming out over the fields for the T-Rex. Then I start feeling fear, although I am also aware of it all being only a dream. So I skip back across the road and climb a small elderflower tree.

I shout for the dino to appear again and this time I get a response, though from a group of children behind the bushes of which the tree I have climbed is a part. They say “We tried calling him, he doesn't want to show up.”.

I then try to scream out for him, mimicking his roar. The Children respond in a laughing way “We tried that as well, it won't help.”

I sit for a brief second before the dream starts fading and I “wake up”.

I find myself in my room and walk out towards the living room. Outside I see a lot of plants and it is raining.

“Hang on a minute it wasn't raining when I was awake earlier” I think to myself and realise I am still dreaming.

I turn around and walk back into my room and stare at my computer screen.

I turn around, while still being within the realms of the computer game that was on the screen and look up. I find a long and narrow dirt pathway, surrounded by a fence on the right hand side and bushes on the left.

Up at the entrance – or T-cross – I see the T-Rex come sprinting around from the right hand side. I get anxious and excited as I start running towards him. It seems like the dino knows we only have a limited amount of time to complete the encounter.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN??” I scream at him as we run towards one another. There is no response, and I feel my fear rising as we continue to sprint towards one another. “WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME??” I try instead and just as we are right in front of one another and I am staring into his wide open jaws he transforms.

All of a sudden a ghost appears before me, with the limbs of the dino sprawling out behind the spectre hanging a few metres above the ground.

“Michela!?!?” I exclaim in utter surprise.

I wake up.

Michela represents a previous romantic affiliation gone sour, very sour indeed. Both in terms of the pain I felt when she left, but also because of the stressful situation I was facing with quitting my job. I awoke with a multitude of new angles to investigate my addiction to cigarettes from, which included the shame and loss of pride I felt from loosing her – the shame associated with not being able to attract a woman and keep her faithful, more so than actually loosing her being particularly painful.

A couple of months later I started on a spiritual education and at the time I was still smoking cigarettes. I started a practice of smoking without guilt and I recall arriving at the first module having spent 6 hours without smoking. I felt the physiological cravings, but I didn't feel the desire to smoke, which I found facinating.

I continued to the first module and when we arrived in the first opening sharing circle and were briefed that we would be opening up, diving into intimacy, then it hit me. I was now experiencing full on craving and desire at the same time as I was experiencing fear towards intimacy at the same time as it was the only thing I truly desired. And from this experience I recalled another meaning associated with Michela.

The next dream took place I think in the beginning of April, the first time F and I slept in the same bed, and seeing as we kissed the first time on April 3rd I believe the accurate date is 14-04-17 as this is 2 weeks after the date of our first kiss.

“Dino makes a gesture”

I find myself alone in a small and humble cabin. It is bright morning/forenoon and the sun is shining through the windows. The cabin is located in a large garden that is surrounded by tall walls in a rectangular fashion, with the cabin taking central space.

Suddenly outside I hear/feel the T-Rex approaching, and this time I recognise his presence. There seems to be a telepathic or at least non-verbal acceptance of one another, a kind of respect with a hint of fear, but this time from both parties.

I venture out of the house to see what is going on. There is a clothes line with clothing on it immediately next to the house.

I never actually see the T-Rex, but I find that after he has been circling the house he has left me a circular meditation mat against the clothing line.

End of dream.

I wake up feeling excited. I have just slept next to a woman I am madly in love with and I find that I for the first time actually like sleeping up close to her.

I experience a brief feeling of alarm, but I quickly re-frame the story positively as I tell F about the dream.

Now I acknowledge that interpreting dreams in hindsight is easier than trying to gleam out the prospective material from the time of their occurrence. However this dream theme I believe heralded a powerful spiritual lesson.

The first appearances of the T-Rex motif happened just after a relationship had developed from an intimate/romantic nature to a friendly one. In this relationship I discovered a tendency to become extremely preoccupied with me feeling responsible for the emotional state of the other. This responsibility was coupled with an elevated sense of anxiety for loosing her. However the appearance of Dinosaurs happened before.

A funny thing is that the following entry- which took place pretty much immediately after my fling (Karen) and I had started getting romantic - 08-04-16 Surviving the Ocean Quest in the desert - Dream Journals - Lucid Dreaming - Dream Views Actually occurred simultaneously with my then fling having a reciprocal dream, of being taken to the desert by frightening shadow figures that gave her the mission to gather all the animals for the ship. Now I am aware this synchronisation makes more sense to me on a subjective level – we had been practising trying to dream share, and a lot of themes in the dreams were in line with what was happening in our waking lives – however even if this is disregarded this is the first appearance of the “Dino theme”.

Specifically the purple dinos shooting an assortment of weaponry at my heart – which I at the time interpreted as a symbol of having my heart broken a couple of times in order to finally open up – seems to indeed have been at play, though increasing in complexity and meaning over the past year. Let me illustrate a bit further.

When the T-Rex and the Raptors start making their appearance, as I mentioned the relationship had moved in a friendly direction, which I told her I was OK with, but I was quietly mourning the loss I felt.

During this time as mentioned I had started seeing a rise in my consumption of cigarettes and cannabis. I felt stressed with my thesis and on top of this stress I was overwhelmed by the insights into myself and my shifting perspectives of the world through my world with Ayahuasca, and as such I sought to slow it all down a bit though the use of cigarettes and cannabis.

The Dino dreams appeared in between spouts of regular cannabis use, as I had a somewhat ambivalent relationship to this medicinal plant. On the one hand I was grateful for the visionary aspects and emotional teachings, at the other I was aware that it was stealing my dreams – although this latter aspect was sometimes a welcome aspect when I felt things were moving too quickly.

When I decided to summon the T-Rex I thought it was somehow related to my addictions, and it turned out accurate. However the transformation from T-Rex into my ex-fling added a twist I hadn't seen coming, which was the connection between addiction and love-relational issues.

From the first observation of my feeling responsible for the emotions of a lover, I immediately suspected that I was dealing with a pattern established in early childhood. Due to my parents' difficult relation my mother was always stressed and frequently displayed intense outbursts of anger. I particularly recall an episode – think I might have been 3-4 years old – where my sister and I were sat in our room on the floor and Mother comes down. She gets angry about the mess, picks up a play guitar and throws it across the room hitting my sister in the head, resulting in a hospital visit and a scar on her face. This and other incidents I hypothesise fostered the self-concept that “mother's emotions are dangerous, and I am responsible”.

Following the dream as I mentioned earlier I saw a striking connection between the fear of intimacy and my addictions, and around the same time I had another T-Rex dream, though he played a smaller part in this (as he transformed into a dragon and cleansed an entire island and evolutionary history through a fire bath). This dream heralded the cleansing phase I have gone through roughly the past year of getting acquainted with my relational fears, addressing them and letting go of old self images that no longer serve me.

During November of 2017 I had an Ayahuasca ceremony specifically directed towards examining my addictive behaviours. The themes that emerged were memories of my mother being very harsh on me playing as a boy – that she didn't have the energy required to play with me. As such I was forced to put a lid on my playful energy, which in adolescence transforms into sexual energy, resulting in great shame about my own emotional and sexual nature. Ayahuasca provided a definition of my addiction as “the behaviour that arise as a result of wanting to escape the constant narrative of self-loathing and self-blame”. The self-blame I have already discussed, the self-loathing is partly directed at the feeling that sexual and playful aspects of me are “wrong”.

I would later be presented with my dad's contribution towards the ease with which I accepted the “I am wrong” self-concept, though that will be a different story, though basically it has to do with him (a) raising me through commands; (b) never complimenting me on anything; (c) always questioning whether or not I had performed a certain task; (d) being critical on anything that deviates from the norms he deems liveable.

Let me quickly add that I love and adore both of my parents, who supports me like rocks in their own respective ways. A deep realisation on this spiritual path has been that most of the times our behaviour arise out of conditioned responses we are not to be blamed for. My parents did the best with what they had available, it isn't a question of them not loving me.

In February 2017 I met F. There was a striking explosion of energy running through my body at our first embrace and as I mentioned she is the first woman I have slept next to – we have never had physical sex – that I felt not only comfortable sleeping against, but good.

We started out helping one another with the processes of Ayahuasca, but after about a month it became clear that there was a deeper connection. It turned romantic and sensual, but a series of complications eventually led to this romantic aspect destabilising.

The T-Rex dream where he presents a meditation pillow I hypothesise – according to the Jungian notion that dreams can have a prospective, future development directed meaning – was a way for me to truly observe the nature of my relational problems.

During our romantic affiliation I started feeling insecure, as she was still entangled with her boyfriend. She had stated that she wanted him out of the house and leaving him, as well as not feeling comfortable with his touch and being intimate with him. This in my mind made him an Ex-Boyfriend and I believed that this was the path she wanted to go down, however it quickly changed into something else where it became obvious that he would be spending a significant amount of time with her, sleeping in the same bed as her.

I felt like she was manipulating me, using me to instigate changes in him so he could become a better boyfriend to her. I was confused about her pulling back when our kissing, cuddling and petting got intense resulting in us never having anything but clothes-on-energetic sex (which however was a very powerful and potent experience for both of us I believe).

Following a week at her parents I was headed to the aforementioned education during a weekend, she slept with her boyfriend. There were quasi-valid reasons for her doing so, but I felt betrayed as we had in my mind agreed to a monogamous structure, although I had been open towards a more open constellation. I ended up forgiving her, with a few demands as to how our future relation – and the one she had towards her boyfriend – should look like. Demands initially met, but quickly broken.

This started the hell ride into jealousy, romantic ideation, mistrust and pain. I went into it with full consciousness and journalled about it vigorously. I saw how I didn't have energy to do anything but wait around hopefully for a message, constructing fantasies about her activities when she didn't contact me etc.

The point is not to arrive at a blame game, I have come to realise it takes two to tango and I have been overly focused on my own workings in this process, but this has been a profitable approach – as it is indeed the only thing I can ever change.

What I saw was that F quickly became my entire world. I felt love, and I felt terrified to loose it. She became an object I perceived would be able to fulfil my deepest yearning, to feel loved and appreciated – and I clung to her, constantly trying to get the relationship defined in ways that would guarantee the safety that she would be there to fulfil my needs. I became obsessed with having sex with her, I felt that it would make up for the shameful aspect of her having cheated on me. I saw how I was feeling the familiar feeling of anxiety of her leaving me as this “is the last chance for love” and similarly that she would move onto someone else the minute someone better came around – which would be pretty quick. These last observations illuminate a self-concept totally deprived of feelings of self-worth or feeling of being worthy of love an appreciation by another human being. I saw how I through expending all my energy on worrying about her behaviour, waiting for messages became fatigued and tired and couldn't keep up work on my own projects, which I abandoned.

There is much more information to the story, but I eventually arrived at a point where we had a conversation. In this she informed me of three key things that made me realise I had to quit the contact. She felt guilty towards her (ex)-boyfriend when she was with me, that she didn't really want him to understand that it was over and she couldn't promise she was never going to want to be with him again.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done, I was in so much pain and missed her like crazy. Following this quitting of contact I started working with the last of my addictions – which is sort of a tricky one – which is the tendency to intellectualise situations arriving at a conceptual understanding of things which put me in a positive lighting. Self-centered and also grounded in placing value in the opinions of others.

Gradually as these addictions fell away I was confronted with my underlying anxiety. I never knew myself to be a person experiencing anxiety, but that was what the addictions were for I suppose. I spent a few months experiencing extreme states of panic, which included a fear of dying, a fear of being abandoned at a future dimensional shift, as well as being rejected and abandoned in a romantic sense. It took a lot of breathing and being with the fear and panic and I was incapable of performing even the slightest actions that dealt with finding jobs, new residence or worldly matters in general.

Things got better, I still experience fear and anxiety, but when I do now I don't panic and try to get rid of it, rather I breathe into it and try and understand what it is trying to tell me and it seems a lot of things are shifting within.

I am back in contact with F, I love her, love the contact and am trying to manage my romantic inclinations towards her consciously, which at present involves awareness of how desire towards a particular outcome with her (ending up n a romantic relation) can result in suffering through envy and jealousy.

To come full circle back to the dreaming the present story illustrates the process by which working actively with intention, lucidity and analytical interpretation of certain dream themes that crop up repeatedly can help bring visibility to the sub conscious processes that govern our behaviour. I went through the process alone, yet I feel that had I not been so stubborn and approached someone with knowledge in these areas I could have progressed much quicker, perhaps even saving an intimate relationship in the process.

2017, 08-03

Living Another Life

Daenerys: I am in a room with a man that I am thinking is my brother, though he looks almost like a girl. I am looking at a really pretty purple dress that my brother says was a gift. Then he cops a feel on my breast and pinches hard. I push his hand off and tell him to quit that, he says something about waking a dragon… but I see no dragon, just someone who likes to feel up his sister, what a pervert. He takes my silence as a response and leaves. Soon a couple women come in and fill a tub with hot water and scented soaps, apparently I’m supposed to bathe. I get in the tub and the women bathe me even though I could do it myself, the young one chatting constantly about a man I’m supposed to meet who is hot and strong and brave and… After bathing I get dressed in the pretty dress and step outside to where my brother is waiting. The nicest thing he can say is I don’t smell like a horse, which is good since Kahl Drogo has thousands of horses and wants a different mount tonight. I call him an ass. He stares at me in stunned silence as a fat man comes up in a cart and says I look regal, we must go right away before we’re late.

The three of us ride through a town that looks like an old style pueblo, but bigger than I have imagined a pueblo. We get to a huge palace like house and go inside. There are lots of people there, they are all men it seems. The fat man points across the room and says that’s Kahl Drogo. He says he will make introductions and heads over. My brother is saying I had better satisfy Kahl Drogo so he can claim the lands that are ours by blood. I ask him if he really expects me to sleep with a man just to get him a crown. He says he’d let Drogo and every man in his khalasar take me and all of their horses if that means he gets his crown, I should be thankful it’s just Kahl Drogo. I am about to call him a few choice words when the fat man returns and says Kahl Drogo is coming. My brother is telling me to stand up straight, hold my head up, smile… I tell him to stop being an asshole. He grabs my arm painfully and I stomp on his foot painfully and we both give forced smiles to Kahl Drogo as he approaches. Everything fades.

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Eddard: I am a man now, and I am at the gates of a castle watching a lot of people arrive. I am waiting for my friend to come, he is with them and he is king. As they arrive I don’t see my friend. I see a woman in a crown and I have to resist an urge to call her a bitch. A fat man in a crown gets off a tired horse and comes over to give me a bear hug. I realize that is my friend! He’s gotten fat! He wants to go down to the crypts to pay his respects to someone. The Queen bitch doesn’t want us to do that now. There are introductions made and then the king and I go down into some crypts under the castle, finding our way by torch light. Stone statues of people with wolves at their feet line the wall. We reach the last of the crypts and the king, his name is Robert, pays his respects. We head back and he tells me how my friend John Erin got suddenly sick and died. And he wants me to take John’s place as the King’s Hand. I don’t like that idea, it would take me away from my home… so I say I am not worthy of that honor. Robert says it’s no honor, he wants me to run the kingdom while he eats, drinks, and whores himself to an early grave. I want to call him an asshole. I feel like I’m surrounded by assholes.

Walking

Dream of walking at night time with a group of people around a town surrounded by woods.

Lucid

Become lucid in a pantry. Wanted to try my new time dilation method of looking at a watch but there was no watch on my wrists... They were all swollen. Decided to do the counting thing instead and put my hand on the ground. Managed to count to 60 with the usual distortions. Tried to jump afterwards but I felt too heavy and couldn't. Felt the distortions crushing around me and I woke up.

Bjork

Was on a hill and saw Bjork. This made me semi lucid. Began walking beside her and I was joking around saying she looked like some singer. She said, "What do you mean?" and her forehead was glowing red and she began to change shape. She slowly morphed into a muscular dude wearing a wrestling outfit and began throwing cars at random houses.

Work people.

Had this dream after lucky from work dropped me off. Dreamed I was in his car with val from work also. He dropped her off and then he dropped me off at my house at what looked kind of like grove street.

A strong wind began blowing and I could see storm clouds. I wanted to escape it so began looking for a vehicle. Lucky hadn't left yet so he drove towards me fast and kinda hit me but I wasn't injured. I got back in his truck.

FA, and was somewhere with Val, There was this walkway going over scenic drive. We went up the steps but we wound up in some tower. There were various dead bodies around and Val started screaming and ran off. I went to the other side of the walking bridge and got a cop to follow me to the dead bodies. Was back in the tower and got lost in it somehow. The stench was so horrible that I was about to throw up.

Drive

Was in someone's van in the passenger seat. We were driving in chilliwack but found a wooded area. We went down a dirt road with trees on one side and a river on the other. There were a bunch of mountain ions around the car and I thought it was strange that they would be there.

Became semi lucid outside that person's house when we got there. I started doing a nose pinch RC. and the girl asked me what I was doing. I said she was a manager at a lucid dreaming forum how could she not know what a nose pinch RC was. I noticed she was wearing a mcdonald's manager uniform and had to rethink my last statement, then woke up.

-Marcus, Jadegreen's dc appeared running past me and I thought that he was created by my younger brother.

-A electronic dc told me not to walk in the street while looking at my phone cause I could get hit by a car.

-I met with a receptionist who told me to focus on Nicholas lucas. Than a guy who I thought was Dawn came up from behind me and glomped me. But when the scene changed so did his appearance. He became Eye and I ended up pushing him away.
Last thing I recall is being non lucid and bathing in a tub near a kind of broken wall and appearing in a room where a young boy was playing a game while talking to his sister.

This is still really fresh in my mind; it happened to me this morning at around 7:30AM. As I'm writing this I will explain my current states throughout the experience. A little back story, this was a WBTB kind of thing. I woke up this morning to make my wife coffee and breakfast, and after she left I went back to sleep focusing on lucid dreaming. I also had a really great success with a LD too! That's not why I'm posting here though.

(asleep and just exiting a lucid dream) I had a false awakening I think. I opened my eyes (still in dream) and I could not move my body really, and I didn't really want to because I wasn't ready to wake up if I was actually in my real body. A figure appeared at the door and I knew it was my wife. She said, "Hey baby," and then walked over to the foot of the bed. She seemed just out of my field of vision because I could not really see her the whole time. I knew a figure was there at the foot of the bed sitting down. I felt my feet move when she sat down, and she was putting on socks or something I presume. I was very lucid this whole time and I didn't think she was real, because how could she be? She had gone to work, and I know because of the nature of her job she wouldn't be back. I was in the same sleep position as I was in real life, and my real body almost felt like a shell. I tried rolling around on my bed in my dream and my orientation would change, but I still had an awareness that my body was still in the same position. (In real life I was laying on my side similar to fetal position.)

Meanwhile this whole experience was kind of scary because I couldn't move and there was an entity (whom my mind made out to be my wife) and I couldn't do anything about it. Moving felt like drifting through thick water, but being slowly reeled back to my real body position. I would move fluidly and smoothly, but then become aware that I hadn't moved at all. It was really interesting in the moment. I accepted the fact that I was in sleep paralysis and couldn't make anything else happen. I just calmed myself and waited for it to be over. My room looked exactly how it does in real life (minus the blurriness).

Once that FA/SP was over, Everything went black and I had a lucid experience while in NREM. Certain shapes would pop in and out. Also I remember hearing some voices, but not being able to remember what they were talking about. Then I had a REALLY VAGUE looking dreamlike experience. Picture it like a smooth fade in from a movie. Natural light and color of outside. Everything was blurry but I knew where I was and certain symbols drifted in and out. I also remember it being very colorful, and I was moving in some kind of truck on the passenger side. I was looking out the window, but again it was very vague and almost like I had my eyes fixed. I wasn't able to look around. Just had to watch passively as things came in and out. One symbol in particular was a block with a rectangular shaped hole through it. It just passed by me, and everything was really relaxing.

After all of that, the imagery faded out very peacefully and I opened my eyes in real life. I wrote everything down after trying to retain all of that.

Trying to get back into a more regular pattern of writing down my dreams again. I found that is the best way to remember them and have nights with a lot of lucid dreaming.

In a house with wood paneling, kind of old, but mansion like. I am being told that I have to leave, but when I go back to get out, the rooms have changed. I realize that I am dreaming and try sneaking around the house to get where the people in charge are trying to keep me from. For some reason I think that I have left a room that had something more interesting. I walk into a room finally that is larger and there are a bunch of people working at desks. Dream starts to fade, probably some light sleep paralysis.

At the edge of a swamp and I see a dark figure (typical dream sign of mine) on the other side. I realize I am dreaming and try to fly over to confront it, but the dream starts to fall apart as I am heading towards it and I end up conscious in darkness for a bit, but have body sensations.

I am walking with some people down a road and nose check and realize I am dreaming. There is a fuzzyness that I want to get rid of so I scream "vivid" a couple of times which seems to help for awhile. The others are looking at me weird until I tell them "it's cool, I am dreaming". I don't really remember much after that.

I have five fingers, but something isn't quite right. I look at my watch and I can make no sense of it! I look out of the dark retreat and see the moon shining brightly. I remember the Task of The Month and try to turn it blue. At first takes on a purple tint, but eventually it turns a stunning iridescent blue. I fly out the window.

This dream was pretty freaky. I was in the air trying to help a girl keep a tree up but than a dark shadow came out of the tree and disturbed our balance. I didn't want to let go cause the girl would fall but than she told me it would be ok and to just let go...so I did. She fell onto the ground and eventually I did too. Hitting my head and losing an arm. I could see the other girl lose an arm too and thats when I noticed we were now in chibi form. I woke up after that.

The Blue Beetle


After waiting in the car for someone I somehow ended up walking into my old yard. It was more wide and spacious with odd objects on the ground though. As I was exploring I came across a slender orange/brown colored wolf that began growling at me. I tried hovering above the ground while going in the house but the wolf made all sorts of high leaps to get at me. I figured that bouncing from wall to wall in an attempt to hover at a higher height wouldn't work so I pushed the wolf down hard with my feet than grabbed its mouth to keep it closed. Slowly it began to morph into a black dog that reminded me of my dog max. I let it go than flew away ignoring the wolf and paying attention to the scenery. I was now in a city where a puppy was born and given to me. I pet the cute pup than the scene shifted.
A Japanese guy who I thought was nigahiga but wasn't was visiting us for a special fan meeting. As he was talking with his friend and I, I spotted a roach crawling on the ground."Someone kill it"I said. My brother came and attempted to kill it but the roach flew onto a curtain hanging on a door that I was next too. I tried to hit it and as it slowly fell down....in slow motion...I noticed it was a beautifully colored blue beetle with gems on it. It than changed to a butterfly with a gem and hung on the curtain again but it looked somewhat hurt now. "Sorry...you are beautiful but if I let you live you'll take over the house"I thought. Woke up afterwards

I feel like I dreamt for 20 hours last night.

I'll skip past all that right to the lucid bit.

I was at a super fancy restaurant where two famous actresses were about to eat. I sat myself and some friend with me right at their spot. They joined us, and slowly the table began to fill with all my friends and they were gone. I was talking to them when this weird purple filter came over my vision. I turned to talk to vic next to me, but when he responded our bodies didn't move, it was a conversation between our souls. I was astral projecting within a dream. I freaked out and snapped back in my body and explained to my friends what was possible, still thinking I was in reality. The restaurant had an open wall to the sidewalk, so I walked out to the road and lay down, wanting to show them a car drive right through me. However, I wasn't sure if I was projecting or in my real body so I chickened out and lay next to where the cars drove. This was a hyperrealistic moment, when an SUV passed me and all my survival instincts kicked in, I was hyper present for that moment and it felt like reality.

I went back to the table, and I guess I realized I was dreaming because I just assumed control. I changed the restaurant into a private jet by snapping my fingers. There were still some tables of people left over that were right in the aisle when I made the change, so I just shoved them out and dissapeared them as well. Now it was just my friends and me on the plane, and a weird gangster in the back. He looked like a young 50 cent and tried to make a sexual advance on me, then told me he would kill me. right in front of everyone.

"There are always guys like this in my dreams. I guess it's the part of my brain that I can't turn off that makes me think every girl in real life is hitting on me." Good self-diagnosis sleep-me. I send that character to the front of the plane and curse him to stay in that position.

We have a long chat on the plane when I suddenly get a text from this girl that I've been holding out on IRL, and my control snapped away. She started sending me pics of her in an orgy, covered in lovers, to get back at me for not replying to her texts and make me jealous. I felt such a weird betrayal , she just kept sending these pics one after another. Then my alarm went off.

I have a date with this girl today and my dreams have left me with some fucked images of her.... life is so strange.