Recent DJ Posts

Dream 1(fragment):

I recall being in some kind of futuristic vehicle and then visiting some kind of a base.

Dream 2(fragments):

I was in team of villains and we were doing some stuff and i had some type of ability, we had an hideout and there was some kind of mechanism, but it was not working anymore. Then something went wrong and i was kicked off the team.
Then i was in some video game, that was some first person shooter with guns, but later it transformed into an RTS. It looked like an combination of Warcraft 3 and Starcraft, there were units and buildings from both. The mission was to protect the base, but most of the attackers were SCVs for whatever reason, though they were rather powerful SCVs. Marines were defending the base and there were bunkers too, some mages were supporting them and workers were building more buildings. I was controlling some special builder that was technically helping the base, but he had other plans and the objective was to not let anyone discover that it's special builder till certain point in the game. Enemy units were becoming more powerful with time and base was getting more buildings with more powerful units too, but in the end, very massive dark thing arrived at the mountain to the north. That was the time to use special abilities of builder, i morphed him into 'living' building and started made a special unit. As it was ready video game switched back to first person and i was controlling that unit. Game got to the point where there was mass of the buildings that were spawning black dragons to attack that huge enemy, but there was not much success until i attacked it with my unit. The size of that enemy was so huge that it was bigger than the whole base, he was attacking using dark energy projectiles but he ended up destroying units on his side as i was dodging them with my unit, making me laugh. Then i started throwing series of huge fireballs at him, that were so powerful, they were knocking him back! In the end, the enemy was destroyed. And dream skipped.
Can't recall much after that but there i was in tunnels and there was some problem for which i had to hire a lawyer apparently.

In the nighttime we have confusion in our
dreams; in daytime we have confusion with our mind—judging, thinking, creating many things. This
is how we pass our life. Being aware or continuing our awareness in dreamtime means maintaining
the same awareness we have during the daytime. If we have no capacity to be in the state of Rigpa,
the state of real knowledge, in the daytime with practice of contemplation, we cannot have it in the
nighttime either. It is the same principle. If we have at least this knowledge of Rigpa in the daytime
with many experiences, then when we use this knowledge in the nighttime it will be easier to be in
this state. We can have more experiences in dreamtime than daytime. So this is the relationship of
practice to night experience.

Dream Yoga And The Practice Of Natural Light

4/3/13

================================================== ==============

[Alright. I'll try to keep this to the point. Forgive my confusing scattered words. It's taken me my whole life to master this level of communication... and I'm still very far from being the Master.

I'm assuming this topic is alright for DreamViews because it ties heavily into my dreams and general life.
And I'm assuming people here will talk to me as if I'm not "psycho". And be quite loving and understanding.
BLESS the ones who aren't offended at my words.

If anyone has read Charles Fort's works, they'll understand what I mean when I say:

In every truth lies the hint of what can be called fantasy, and
in everyone's yarn there lurks something of what can be called the truth.

Please keep this in mind. This is an experience that is a little "off".
It's an experience- incompleted by the knowledge of what it was I experienced.
I'm missing the right way to relate this to you.
I know what I felt, and I know what I thought I understood about it.
That is all. And nothing more. Like many humans, I am filled with pride and vanity.
But I acknowledge that I TRULY know nothing.
I am not claiming to know anything on these subjects.]

All times are approximate.

Please keep an open mind.

This is my experience with Lucy.

================================================== =
__________________________________________________ ____________________________
[Background]

My name is Austin.

4 days ago, I experienced Lucy, aka "Acid" aka "LSD" with my "perfect-for-me" girlfriend.

Her name is Alex.

I love this tragic girl bottomlessly, so much it hurts. But this trip was different than with shrooms.
This time, I caught a glimpse of one of those most peculiar facets of reality.
I caught a glimpse beyond the veil. I felt something else's presence among the two of us.
I think it was what the Alchemists and the Shamans and the Wizards and Philosophers
and Dreamers and Scientists and more... would understand as "Lucifer".

Not many people will understand what I'm about to say.
That is because what I'm going to say CANNOT be put into these helpless words. Not in these hopeless worlds.
Hopefully, someone on these forums who has experimented with altered consciousness-
Will understand these metaphors and will relate. I hope someone knows what I'm talking about.
I will do my BEST to explain them to the others who don't get it yet.
This is why people who are actually on to something- are soon discredited as incoherent or such.
What we seek cannot be put into words. The words will escape you like sand through fingers.
Reminiscent of deja vu. If someone demands you explain these secrets, it won't happen. It can't.
Experience is the only way. First-hand.

Now.

I believe Lucifer can appear as and through different things to different people.
But to me it was or was through the gentle and mysterious lover.
The fiery serpentine chasing me up the spiral staircase.
Lucy was the image in between the mirror. Behind the lights.
She was there- but not in a physical sense. The lights would glow brightly when she was close.

My experience with this "entity" was gentle. Loving. Harshly beautiful. With a tinge of dark.
A hint of mystery. He/she told me things through my girlfriend. Beautiful things.
The problem is- my girlfriend claims that I was lost in a trip the entire time.
Conversations I thought I had between us, were just conversations with myself...
Through my girlfriend. But I'll have to ask for more faith from YOU
that I know that I was talking with "someone" whether it was my girlfriend
or an "entity" of less-than-physical existence. It may very well all have been in my head.
But I'm implying that perhaps that's how this thing works.
It IS all in your head. But at the same time it's not JUST in your head.

Oh man, it makes you double take on schizophrenia and general insanity in the world.
What if one of these people screaming on the street are screaming the truth?

Lately, I've been having these reoccurring thoughts in my head that I'm somehow Lucifer.
I just notice all these similarities to me and the angel they call "Lucifer".
My cardinal sin is Pride. I'm a dreamer, a musician, a lover, a woman and a man.
I don't belong here and I feel out of place. I equate myself to a Lion.
I seek knowledge. It reminds me of the story of the Apple of Eden.

I have a STRONG intuition that I'll meet Lucifer on Lucy.
__________________________________________________ ______________
[Austin]

I was one of those "weird kids" you find in school... That never did and never will fit in.
The quiet, smart, awkward kid. The outlandish kind. But I've held on to my innocence.
Longer than most could- I still have real good in my heart. I still have that light inside.
I feel like I have a perfect blend of female and male inside. I feel almost superhuman inside.
But broken at the same time. Like something is missing. My heart is full, but my roots are dry.
But I have a love for horror. An amorous pulling to the mysterious. Everyone has these things.

But I'm uncontrollably thirsty for knowledge. Wisdom. The way the Universe works, in all her wonder.
I've procrastinated the ignition of my life. I've waited to begin my life-
Just to bury myself in books. Drowned myself in watery facts and ideas.
Pondered for hours on "reality" breaking ideas. Ideas that would make sheep panic.
Ideas that only excite ME. "Maybe the world isn't as boring as I thought," I thought.

My life works in symbols. Archetypes.
The boundless ocean. The mother. The Lion. The female. Green. Autumn.
The King. Duality. Trinity. Clocks, and Stuffed Bears. Dreams. It doesn't matter.
But it does.

I know about the connection between you and I. Through reading, experience with dreams,
books of esotericism, books of all sorts!, and simple observation. It doesn't take a genius to see
That there is someone pulling strings in reality. Watch those coincidences.
Try to find connections. It used to be impossible- Then it became improbable.
Now it's highly probable. I know most of you will take me as insane.
There will be one who takes these words just right.

Lately I've been noticing the insane improbable-almost-to-the-point-of-impossible amount of coincidences.
The Universe was talking to me all the time. I just needed to tune in.
__________________________________________________ _____________________________
[Alex]

She's the most interesting human I've met so far.

She has reason behind everything she does!

If she were an element, she'd be fire. She's a white Tiger she says.
Her taste is deliciously refined. She knows what she likes.
During Shrooms, I noticed something very peculiar.
While everyone else in the room tripped blindly.
She unscrewed light bulbs, turned things upside down.
I saw it. It resonated with me.
It was her act of defiance I think that caught my eye.
Her rebellion against the collection of rules we call society.
Mischievous girl. I understand she'll break my heart one day.
...
She grew up so fast. She's had a miserable life so far.
It beat the shit out of her. Her Mother is a monster. (Broke my damn side-view mirror that bitch.)
She never had a father. (He left before Alex was born.)

I've noticed that she does NOT attract happy karmic events.
If there ever was an unlucky human, it was her.
Her life hands her more shit than most humans would be able to handle.
She is hardened to this cruel world. The pessimist out of us.
But she knows things. She knows how it really is.
I'm wary of her. But just as wary as someone can be
of someone you love more than anything.

Our relationship is confusing.
At times we're like best friends.
Sometimes we're enemies.
Sometimes we're just animals using each other.
But when it's all said and done...
All I want to do is hold her hand and keep her safe through this lifetime.
That is what I'm here to do.
If there's anything that's real in this goddamned life, it's that I TRULY love that girl.
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
[0:00]
We walked into my bedroom and placed two blotters each (piece of paper with LSD dropped on) under our tongues.
We sat around for a moment and began to feel excited and restless. Hence our decision to go to the local convenience store to grab a drink for the trip.
We smoked a bowl and headed down the hallway to go outside.
"Do you want to drive?" I dangle my Miku anime-keychain.
"Mmm... Yes!" I barely offer it, but she barely ever accepts. I become aware of the symbolism in that.

(throughout that day, I had seen the theme of "Lucifer"
sowing itself in and out of the tapestry of reality. Through coincidence. Shit happens, you know, but you'll start to notice that a great deal of that "shit"'s probability doesn't match up with the general idea of probability that society has built. Too many coincidences to be without an explanation. Too much smoke to be without a fire. I'd see pictures on Tumblr of serpents and horns- I'd see references to the Bible and things like that- but there was just so much of it today, more so than usual.)


Pulling up, I asked my girlfriend, "Do you know the story of The Garden of Eden?" ...
"Yeah, I know about that story." She humors me.
"Well... sh-should I trust him? I know I'll have to meet him eventually..."
"I don't know..." She knows.
"Huh." I drop it.

I know she doesn't understand my curiosity. I accept it's just one of our differences.

We grab our drinks- 2 thirst busters, and a pink powerade for me and a blood red powerade for her.

When we get back to the house, giddy and excited, we metaphorically "stumble" through the door.
I mean by that- that we were a little "off" by now. It had been 30min. We were walking perfectly fine.
Talking a little strangely... but perfectly functional. Just a little "different" and "strange".

__________________________________________________ ___________________________________
[0:35]
As we walked back in the room and shut the door, she unloaded a pocketful of things and change.
I pointed it out to her that she was becoming a little more like me.
"It's because I love you." It made sense. I picked up a lot of her traits at times too.

We sat on my bed and loved on each other a little. Tickles, talking, touching, pictures, videos.
It was about an hour through, that we started to feel a little more than just "stoned."
The first stage was the breaking of the shell. The realization that there's more to "you" than just "you."
I watched the clock and became the clock. My awareness controlled how I existed.
Visuals were normal. If a little more relaxed. "Diffused" is a good word. "Unfocused".

I stayed consciously aware of what I was feeling constantly. It was creeping up pretty slowly- but it wasn't anything like I had felt before.
I could "feel" it coming on, as I could with other things. It felt like... a drop-off. A cliff.
It felt like I was hanging off the side of a great cliff, dangling over the abyss from a rope.
Alex told me several times throughout the trip that that's how I "felt", as if she could feel what I felt too.

We immediately went to work with our music playlists that we had planned out. I'm usually the one who spends time thinking about the future (making playlists for acid trips is a good example of this), but Alex surprised me this time by being prepared. Notice this coincidence.

She listened to her music first. Of Monsters and Men. The Head and the Heart. Modest Mouse. Bright Eyes.
Amazing music. But it left me wanting something more familiar.

On to my music. I felt around with my ears the following: Gorillaz, The Beatles, Vampire Weekend, Arcade Fire, Radiohead, Panic! At The Disco...

Oh, such beautiful things tucked away neatly in these songs. A word to the wise:
Alot of these bands know what they're talking about. They know what I'M talking about.
It's all in the music that we listen to- secrets. But remember that words can't describe what I've seen.
But music is a better language for something like this.

Take note that "Lucifer" is constantly associated with things such as "light, music, beauty, etc".

Well back to the trip. By this point, another hour has passed. I had been on the brink of tears countless times now from what I'd seen
and momentarily forgotten.
(Amnesia sucks. I have reason to believe my human is plagued with holey memory. I hope to one day find out why. Probably heavy fluoride in the pineal gland.)

__________________________________________________ __________________________________
[1:15]
Now, me and Alex just wanted to talk again.

She told me about what laughter was for.
She told me that:
"Love is strange- If you get too filled up with that wonderfulness [love], it'll make you sad. You need to let it out every once in awhile.
It's meant to be shared."

My god! Right in front of our eyes. Laughter was the human mechanism for sharing love with the world. The letting out of steam.
It was biological as much as it was just... oddly metaphysically organic. I mean by that... ... no. I'll have to leave that one for you. It's a mechanism of my higher-self as much as it is my human.

"If you start to feel sad... it's because you need to let it out. Share it." If there's one thing I held on to throughout my trip, it was this.

Countless times I felt that well of sadness rising up. I pushed it down by laughing at how wonderful everything was. I just looked around.
I laughed at how crazy I was for thinking I was talking to the devil. I laughed at how impossibly-obviously it presented itself to me.
I laughed at how all of my favorite bands had all of the answers to my questions- but in code.
I laughed at how awkward my soul piloted my human. I would lean into kiss my lover, and land somewhere else and just laugh.
I laughed at how perfect she was. How she always found the perfect thing to say to me. It was like a storybook. Like a dream.
Like I had always wished and wished for. She completed me, like a puzzle piece. How curious.



My soul wasn't very good at integrating me into society, in general, I observed.
I just have never understood the importance of fitting in. Never in my life.
If I had a finger to point... it would be at my soul.
From what I understand...
He should be the one who deals with matters spanning over the 4th dimension... over and outside of time.

But...
I am him. I just sometimes forget.

__________________________________________________ __________________________
[1:45]
Alex.

She was different now. She was still her. But now with a mischievous grin. Cheshire was smiling through my love's face.
She walked like a Goddess, like a perfect little hipster indie kid. (I think that's what I would incarnate as if I were Lucy.) [I'll call her Lucy.]
She pointed to my antique clock and told me the face was the surface of a pond. She was pointing at my symbols. She knew what it meant to me. She knew I had always equated myself with the element water. She knew my personality was watery in itself.
"It's like a dirty pond with scattered numbers."
She knew about my shaky relationship with time.
The pond represented me.

She got up and stretched. "Man, all this damn water." ...again, referring to ME.
As if she had finally seen the real me.
She said it as if just arriving there to that moment in time, before flashing me a grin.
Again, I got the impression of being in the presence of a Goddess- in the flesh. She knew I knew.

She analyzed my life so far and hit every nail on the head. With such grace and the perfect hint of mystery to keep me there. She talked about my innocence and my attachment to my inner child.
I have a stuffed animal, a tattered old bear- she told me that my child was beaten up.
My innocence was hurt.

I think I feel the need to use the word "her" because I was still clinging on to egos. I was afraid to be one with this. All the warnings.
All the damn warnings from humanity. Avoid the one they call the devil. I struggled within myself against it.

"It's like a bunch dolls in a dollhouse." She referred to the bodies we inhabited.

At this point- my mind was so far in the "strange". My nerves and senses were totally "not-normal".
I didn't think of it as, "Sight" or "Hearing" or "Feeling"... it was more of a five-pronged color wheel of general sensation manifesting itself as a big picture. I mean... My senses began to blur into one sense.

And the trails. Oh my... There was a mesmerizing soft blur behind any sort of movement.

I also began to notice catching weird alien thoughts in my own head. I felt like I was tuning in on Alex's thoughts.
I STILL can't figure out who it really was that first wanted that cigarette. Also...
I would look at Alex with a question and she would verbally respond.
Me and Alex began to slowly realize something. Not that we were melding consciousness. But that we already were one consciousness.
I was getting my first understanding of what "Duality" and "Unity" truly meant.

I spoke incoherently, akin to Jack Sparrow. I was trying to grasp an idea.
It was being relayed to me from outside of my head, that's for sure.

But here's a metaphor to help you understand what I mean.
Sometimes, if you stare directly at something...
It vanishes.
But if you learn to look with the corner of your eye.
You might get a better glimpse.

If I thought too hard at an idea, it would run away.
Same with Lucy/Lucifer. If we chased after her, she would vanish.
She would stop amusing us. She had a tendency to sneak in and out of our trip.

And then something happened... she tried to get me to kiss her. She had that devilish look in her eye.
I... recoiled. I subconsciously knew that what I was dealing with was indeed very heavy. It meant something.
And I needed to be perfectly conscious so I could make a decision. These cautious thoughts were definitely mine.

I know what LSD can do to you. You have to keep your mind clear and empty or else you'll convince yourself of something.
I decided that this vision or feeling of dancing with the devil was TOO persistent to be a simple delusion.
I might be an odd human, but I know that these was DEFINITELY something more to this than delusion.
Truly, there's some truth in my yarn. But I kept a clear head so that I would feel the feelings as they came.

I was forced to make a decision of a life time. If I went through with this, I had a feeling my life would never be the same. But my life was always so boring... I kind of ached for it, you know?

Vampire Weekend summed it up perfectly:

"It’s not right but it’s now or never
And if I wait could I ever forgive myself? "

I finally kissed her back, pushing through my hesitation. It WAS just my girlfriend.
I kiss her all the time. But this time it was mixed-up, fearful, and hesitant.
We lost ourselves in our slow kisses for awhile. And suddenly...
for JUST a moment, I woke up from the Matrix that we live in.
I realized in that moment that I was NOT my body... or even my mind, for that matter.
Whatever I really was, it was "green" and "bright" and "vibrant" and "full of love".
She was more "grey" and "scarred" and "hopeless" but "wise" and "full of texture"
The best way I can describe what it felt like... I was an amorphous living "thing".
A giant changing organism of "light". I felt MYSELF (I'll capitalize when I refer to our higher self.)
brushing up against my lover... in an alien landscape, in alien bodies. It was more beautiful than anything you've ever experienced.
It was scarring to someone who wants to remain ignorant. I now knew.

She knew I had finally seen the true HER. SHE was disfigured and bruised from the horrors and disappointments of her lives.
I held her body close and radiated an infinite love that she had never felt before. She knew I knew. She knew I loved her regardless.
I didn't get to see any specifics, but I know that we've known each other intimately besides this life. Same with all the people in my life.

We cuddled for a little and loved each other. I accepted every little part of her, and she accepted every little part of me.

__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
[2:00]
We laid in my bed and stared around my room. It was as if I was my soul, checking up on my human. My room was a wreck.
Disorganized and messy. I scolded myself. My eyes caught all these symbols that I would have never caught.
I looked at my long hair and saw my female trying to claw her way out. She was desperate to be seen and pet.
It was tragic. I felt a little drunk- by that I mean that drunken feeling of trying to walk. A great happy cheerfulness filled me
despite my slight lack of coordination.

I had to go to the bathroom though... I was afraid to be away from Alex, so I hesitated...
"I REAAAALLY need to goooo."
"Okay, I'm going now."
"Alright baby, here I go."
"I NEED TO PEEEE."
(I said all of those... probably 20 seconds apart. Stalling.)

I worked up the courage to break away. I drifted like a ghost down the hall.
Once in the bathroom, I got on my knees and peed close to the toilet (a strange habit I'd picked up years ago).
I got up, and checked myself out in the mirror. My pupils were huge. I could see my soul showing through my eyes.
It was beautiful. I always thought that was beautiful. Enlarged pupils are subconsciously attractive to me.
Then I returned to Alex. We were both thinking about the same thing now. Ourselves.

We both stared at our vessels with self-love. She began to talk again,
"You know... I never really got why people are so against this." I knew she was referring to our self-love.
"If you have what you have, what's the point in Not loving it?" -She continued while eyeing herself with love and a hint of lust.
I did the same.

Sometime throughout the trip, I stripped naked and watched my body closely.
It was so... gorgeous. My male and female energies were so balanced.
I marveled at my body's hips and legs, and my shoulders and eyes.


(I'd always had a deeply ingrained disgust with egoists.
Egotistical people had always disgusted me. They were never going to grow, because they were so weighed down by their own empty weight. My religious Dad pointed out that I had pride in my eyes, countless times through my childhood. He made sure I knew it was wrong.)

(But... I couldn't find an argument to this one. I had always thought myself and Alex to be extremely attractive.
In a different kind of way than what society could see. I would walk by a group of girls, flicking on a switch inside.
I would think confident feelings, I would KNOW that I was sexy... and the girls would always look my direction and blush.
I had that power. Everyone does. And if it's already there... It's just a matter of turning it on.)

__________________________________________________ __________________________________
[2:30]
Alex had to go pee next. It had been 2 1/2 hours now. She left to go to the bathroom...
But I found myself following close behind, as if I were going to the bathroom as well.
As if we were going to share that experience. I paused and realized that I couldn't follow her in there.
She chuckled at me and left.

I realized I still needed to pee! I normally was very "good" at holding my bladder.
But this time felt different. Seconds had passed since Alex left the room.
"I don't think I can wait." I said to myself, alone in my room.
I panicked when I thought that perhaps Lucy had something to do with my bladder un-control.

Then I realized it. I wasn't feeling MY need to pee. I was feeling Alex's need to pee.
I had already pissed. Now it was her turn.
Only catch.
I was going to experience her turn.

When it finally dawned on me what was going on...
I began to squirm and struggle to hold in my bladder-
While I was experienced pee-ing.
I could feel it so clearly. It felt good~
But I was unable to enjoy the relieving feeling due to my panic.
It reminds me slightly of orgasm, but just a hint.
I'm proud to say, that I LSD didn't make me piss

I continued to squirm, until she was done.
Then I walked out of my room and met her at the door to explain.
She grinned at me.

__________________________________________________ _________________________________
[3:30]
At about 3 1/2 hours.
We fell into the bed again, and fell entranced by my ceiling light.
It broke my popcorn ceiling into a crystal kaleidoscope.
It began to glow intensely. We lied there in that room staring at that light forever.
It was so fucking beautiful. I could tell that there was something "more" to the light.
There was something "behind" the light. "Inside" it. "Outside" of it...
Wait no... There's no word for it. "Within" would be the best fit.

Lucy was close-by. The light vibrated. The ceiling crawled.
The room came to life. We were coming to a peak of the trip.
Alex snapped me out of it.
"Don't let it take you away."
What a strange thing to say, I thought.
I'm sure she knew what I felt.
But I looked away and broke the spell.

Our gazes returned shortly after.
She gasped- "I can see your heartbeat in the ceiling."
Both of our jaws dropped. It was true. The light was pulsating to my heart.
We were pushed back against the wall and the bed... HARD.
But it was because of how incredibly beautiful and powerful it was.
The entity.
... ...
She joked for the third time, "If this is the peak, I'd still be disappointed."
I laughed at that challenge to Lucy.

We sat up from our bed, feeling like we had lived an eternity in moments.

The green curtains had crawling vines. If you relaxed your eyes on them, they would move like crazy.
I could also see aura around Alex. Her's was red.
She told me mine was a bright green.

By now, we had abandoned words for the most part. We both realized how much easier it was
to communicate in "soul-speak", in thought, and in feeling.

__________________________________________________ __________________________
[4:30]
We walked outside. Oh. My. God.

"There's a world out here..." We both gasped. We were coming down fast.

But that one moment when I first experienced nature... our SUN, the neighborhood.
I will never forget it. It made me gasp in my female's voice. It was THAT powerful.
I was powerfully aware of our position in the solar system. That big glowing thing in the sky...
It's in a very basic sense: "Alive".

Fire is... "Alive." Plants and animals... they're "alive and conscious".

My only metaphor for this... would be...
There's these Mexican candies... I forget their name...
But it's a plastic container, with this spicy/sour chile mango
Squishy candy inside.
You squeeze it out through the top and it comes out in strands.
Like squishy red grass.
The inside of the container is primal life. Life in it's most basic form. Before it's manifested in this world.
When it's squeezed out, it seperates into egos and distinctions. Each little blade is a different manifestation of the same thing.

(Matter is alive too, just vibrating at a different level. But I digress- back to the trip.)

My lover and I sat beautifully in our bodies. I followed her to a spot in the shade, out of the morning sun where we found our perch. Watching the school children and other humans waking up, and going to school and work.
We sat there and watched, understanding that they may never know the things we know.
They may go their whole lives and never see the truth.
I began to grow nervous that people were walking about as, well, we were tripping balls in my front driveway.

I shook it off, "Ah fuck it. A school bus of children could pass by for all I care."
A school bus passed 6 seconds later. Me and Alex eyed each other and knew that Lucy was still with us.

We had a conversation between a human God and Goddess in my front yard about the tops of trees.
She pointed to the top of the pine tree before us.
"You know, the tops of trees are my favorite parts of trees." She spoke softly.
I thought to myself of whether there was symbolism in what she said.
She paused before saying, "It matters."

She reminded me of plants. I had always wanted to communicate with one. I cupped in my hands a yellow flowered weed next to me, and I closed my eyes. I felt something. But not very strongly. I felt impatient.

"You want to go inside, don't you?" I had a feeling.
"Yeah..."
"Well... can we wait out here for just a second?"
"Yeah, as long as you want."
But I couldn't fully enjoy it, now that I knew she wanted to go inside.
I asked one more question... It was aimed at Lucy AND Alex.
"You aren't going leave me... are you?" The insecure little girl I had once been was asking.
I began to tear up and almost cry at the thought of being disconnected from this in the future.
I don't remember her answer. But it was good. I remembered to laugh, so I wouldn't be sad.
So we got up and walked inside.

__________________________________________________ _____________________________________
[6:00]
It was approximately 6 hours into our trip, more or less.
Lucy was still here, but in a less HERE way.

(INTERJECTION: The overwhelming clarity of LSD is so strange to experience, in stark contrast to the drug propaganda out there. Do not listen to your government on matters like this. You have to trust your heart on this to know if you're ready for something like this. I was ready. I've been waiting for this day my entire life.)

Now I wasn't talking directly to Lucy. I was talking to just my Alex.
She noted that I had been talking "past her" for the past few hours.
That I had, in reality, been lost in a sort of trip. But I know what I experienced.
I have faith in it. And I will not let the world shake it out of me like they do to the rest of us.

Back to the experience. I confronted another demon of mine.
My occasional lack of passion. My lack of red and orange and yellow.
My lack of masculine energies.

Alex was calling me to her. She stretched her beautiful body in my bed, like a cat.
I knew her body wanted mine. I knew her animal ached for mine.
But I am not the normal male. Not the normal man.
I didn't feel like a wolf ready to take control.
I was unsure and awkward. I felt wrong every time I tried to force a passionate kiss.
I couldn't fake passion. So I sat there awkward.

I don't know how many Panic! At The Disco songs I heard before it happened.
(Panic! was playing on shuffle the first time we made love.)

She took control. She pushed me against the bed. She has what I don't have.
I tried to fight back... but she was too strong for me.
I quivered and moaned like the female I felt.
She touched my body and made me feel powerless.
I began to tear up in fear and quiet submission.
Oh, it was then I felt real passion.
This is one reason why we're like puzzle pieces. We match.


Sometimes I curse myself for being born in a male body, when I'm so obviously not.
But I understand that things happen for reasons. Perhaps I chose this existence to make amends
with my masculinity.


I'll skip out some pretty details.
But there was passionate kisses.
"I can see why humans do that." She smirked along with me.
It was a physical means to elicit a reaction in our souls. It was a way to communicate.
We were trading delicate feelings through lips.
Two aliens; two children of the stars-
experiencing what it was like to love as humans.
Oh the impossibly mad love.

Once I felt that passion in my bones...
The man in me awoke. The wolf.
I grabbed her and forced her down like I wished she would to me all those times.

!@#$%^&

I came earlier than I wanted to and I sat in shame for a minute.
Alex knew what my look meant, and she told me that she had felt amazing regardless.
"So why worry?"

__________________________________________________ _________________
[7:00]


Alex eventually fell asleep.
We cuddled together and held each other close until then.

Then I was alone.
I moved to my computer.
I was compelled to listen to "Colorblind" by Counting Crows.
It was an anthem of my human and soul, specific to me.
It touched my hurt that I had accumulated as this specific human.
My awkward un-belonging. My prison of skin. My lack of color.
(Books, the only thing I had found solace in before... can only show you black and white.)

I cried my eyes out. I couldn't fight the sadness back.
It all poured out. I was terrified of how deep the feeling was.
I went to Alex and was about to shake her, when
"I'm fine." was sung.

I knew this was a sign from the Universe to let her sleep.
I was fine.

(The Universe or Lucy or whatever it was... sometimes sends me winks.
"Coffee black and eggwhite." is a line in that song."
My best friend's Dad just poured me black coffee and handed me an egg sandwich while I've been up all night typing this.)

It's truly a humbling thing to know that your entire life is a part to a play.
It's just a dance. It's put together very delicately, with lots of love and care.
But sometimes if you REALLY look closely, it's like a movie.
We all have a part to play. Dolls in a dollhouse.

__________________________________________________ _______________________________
[End?]

So that's my story so far. At the same time, it's all of our stories. We've all met Lucifer in one way or another. It lives inside of all us, whether we like it or not. It's all a matter of becoming aware of it.

I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. Just sending a message out in a bottle.
For most of you, you most likely will categorize me as delusional. That is fine.
This is just an oddly fascinating and fantastic story to you. But I have faith in the dreamers.
I know who I'm talking to. They know who they are. The right people will answer me.

It's all just simple math. What I'm talking about sounds magical... but it is very real.
Perhaps, one day it will be considered common knowledge. Accepted science.
But until then- we need explorers who are willing to chart this new frontier.

__________________________________________________ _______________
[Some of the other things Lucy told me through Alex...]

"You don't belong here. You feel it too, don't you?" I had always felt that.

"You're a very very VERRRY special, human, Austin. I don't think you realize how special you are." I knew this was truth, but it felt like a dirty truth. It felt wrong to say and obsess with. I know I'm meant for something big. But it's not all about me.

"You're INCREDIBLY beautiful." She stared at me sometimes... just as I had stared at the beautiful light.

"You've been waiting here, an anomaly in this world. Waiting for something alien to return you to your home."

[I also "realized" a few things by myself.]

I saw that most the people I called friends, were actually entities I knew outside of this human life.
A few of them I was "tied up to" or "chained to" with karmic debt.
My best friend is VERY pushy, and if I don't listen to what he says, I feel a backlash of negative energy.
I'm starting to realize that I actually am VERY far in debt to ALOT of people.

I also found that I was meant to go to a certain concert in California called Coachella in the middle of April.

I realized on my own that I'm destined to be a famous musician. That sounds horribly egotistical.
But you'll understand if you're ever in shoes like mine.


And lastly... I started the apocalypse. Maybe it was me individually, or me in the general sense of humans.
But when I came out of my trip, instantly I saw new signs of chaos.

This whole Korea business became frontline news. I've seen and heard ambulances every day here since.
People have been talking about the upcoming war in America. People have started making plans.
I think I might move to Seattle eventually. I have a feeling it might be safe for me.
Since me and Alex are both extremely drawn to this city.


__________________________________________________ ______________________________________
Please... if you're curious or have questions, please ask.
If you have something to add to my experience, I would certainly appreciate it!

It's a wonderful world out there, dreamers. Get out there and feel it for yourself!
For all you wisdom-seekers, may you find what you're looking for.

Lately I've been feeling pretty detached from reality and the world in general. I guess I can only explain it as being on auto-pilot where I don't really think about anything thoroughly sorta like in a dream. My brain isn't constantly monitoring what seems real and what doesn't seem real, and I think it has been screwing with my lucid dreaming and my mind as a whole.

The other night I had a dream where I couldn't even decipher what was real even with an obvious gate to becoming lucid. I'm in some field with my friend Lauren talking about something that doesn't matter. I tackle her and we start to kiss pretty intensely from what I can remember, but without any tongue. This is pretty bizarre behavior because this girl never does anything sexual at all. Eventually I stand up and we agree it's weird that this is happening. We turn around to walk into a kitchen where some people are sitting at a table. It comes into my mind that I was probably dreaming. I remember this so vividly...I think in my mind 'is this dreaming? I can't even tell' and then I double check one more time. It's obviously a dream at this point, the entire dream has stopped in its tracks... then I decide it's not a dream and it continues while I lose consciousness of the whole situation.

Last night, 4/7/13, Sunday - bed 12:30 - 9:20

2 very long and detailed dreams

1. I was driven in San Francisco, but only half way. When I'm walking, I'm trying to find out, where I am and how far I need to go. So I'm showing people a map - here is the river, I need to go on this main street and hang left to the main station. Something about bike rider, showing me his club, his friends showing up...

2. I'm visiting or doing something in a mansion in Beverly Hills. The place is huge, like 40 rooms or so. I'm ready to leave, so we are looking for our shoes. Someone tells us, that they have been shined for us. We go to a table and find our shoes sitting in yellow blankets with pink bows on them. I open my blanket, but there is only one shoe. It looks very nice, though.

So, I look everywhere for it. Open other blankets, look under table, asking people around. They have some kind of a party, so there is lots of very rich looking people there. I ask some of them, and I ask some of the staff in the house. They have buttlers, babysitters, some guys were putting up a wall full of posters and decorations, around 30 people on staff.

I'm walking through hallways and each is different. One is decorated with white marble statues set in walls, it creeps me out a bit. I go through bathrooms, other rooms.

I see lots of people sitting in a great hall room, there is people going in the bar with modern piano, there is an media room that has walls made of glass.

I didn't find my shoe. But the lady of the house cut me a check for 100 to buy me new pair.

Outside of the house, on a steep hill, a girl is playfully pushing another girl, while she is holding on to the tree. Someone else doesn't like it, because she could have pushed her down into the ravine.

3. I'm working in this big house with lots of lawns and green places. There is a huge, 20 ft long, white snake laying on the side of the walkway, in the green, all coiled up. I know he is there, but each time I walk buy, I forget and remember after I went buy.

I tell about snake to the lady of the house. I tell her, that I found another one, coiled up in a barrel. It's because she leaves the doggy door opened. She should keep it closed, and call a professional to look everywhere.

There is a miniature cow living in a hollowed out rock. It's size of a mouse. I take the rock and look for some nice, grassy place, away from snakes. When I see him first run to the rock, I'm thinking, how interesting, I have never seen an animal in my dream before.

I have some detailed converstions with her.

I'm at a bar, or a party and some random guy comes up to me and starts talking about a time when I smeared french onion dip in his face and he beat my ass for it.I couldn't remember that moment for the life of me, and had no idea what he was talking about. I figured maybe he was drunk so I went along with it. Then he goes and retells the story to some random dc with his arm around me... I took his arm away and said "I'm pretty sure I was drunk if it happened, and you wouldn't stand a chance it happened now. He kept talking crap, and a fight ensued. I was punching him with everything, and eventually I grabbed the pool table, and broke his legs with it. There is more to this dream...I remember hanging out with some women or something, but I can't piece it together.


I'm driving down the main street in our town, and there are all types of theme park rides set up at the car dealerships. I mean these things look like something I wouldn't even get on. One was a big ball of seats that sling slung hundreds of feet in the air. It was moving, but there weren't any people in it. I get to this rural area that I don't recognize, and talk to a few DCs. Two of the girls came with me in the van, and I told them I was on a mission. I told one of them to drive, and we get to a huge factory. They don't believe that we're going to find anything, but just when one of them says that, We come across a crack plant. It was really weird. They had huge bags of cocaine wrapped in aluminum foil. All of them went inside and came out with guns. They started shooting, but nothing was happening. I ran back and searched through my backpack for my guns (told myself they'd be in there from the beginning but they weren't). Another dc told me they were in another bag, and I searched it....no guns. woke up.

Total sleep time: 7hrs

Dream recall method: none used

Other: Tried WBTB during last hour of sleep but got a phone call

I'm keeping it short and simple today. The usual relatives stuff is sooo boring, but at least they make a good DS. Every time I see my relatives, I could be dreaming! Wake up!!!!!

Dream1: My parents have switched their home with their friends. Every housewife has made some food for the other family. So we are at their house eating their food. They are at our house eating what my mom has cooked. Soon one of them arrives to report back that the food mom has cooked is terrible. She is sitting at the dinner table at the time, then bursts into tears.

Dream2: I am going to grandma, then back home. She gives me a call that I still owe my aunt some money. "I gave her 1000, I have paid my dues", I said. Then I call my mom to double check with her. Zzzzzzzzzz

Dream3[after WBTB]: After falling asleep I am almost getting there, thinking about LD and DV in the dream, about the technique of one the guys. I am in a store, they sell some things where you can put your talisman, I stare at the object, almost there.....the phone rings and wakes me up. Argh!

slept from about 9pm - 6:30 am, longer than usual

i have created a picture of a landscape. it is idyllic: soft rolling hills and cliffs covered in green grass and criscrossed by wide blue rivers. the sky is black. i decide to post it on my tumblr. someone on tumblr whom i admire is with me and she encourages me to submit it to a popular art tumblr (god, this dream is embarassing). the picture i have made merges with other similar pictures to form a vast landscape. suddenly i enter into the landscape. it's very beautiful. the green land slopes down to an open sea, with cliffs and high hills far behind and many small rivers and lakes. the area is populated with thousands of teenagers. one of them comes up to me and informs me that this is "teen world". the teens are now deciding on how to govern their country. a guy goes around asking different teens their opinion. they all give noncommittal answers: "uh, can't we just do regular stuff? lets just chill."

then i am in the townhouse kitchen. i open the fridge and there are many different types of popsicles: cyclones, chocolate ones, and creamsicles. i decide to eat a chocolate popsicle even though they are my least favourite popsicle in real life. it tastes delicious.

Dream 1: I was at some kind of store, with my mother, and purchased a chocolate bar of some description. Across the street there was another store, the name began with "K"

Dream 2: I was in my school's metalworking shop, cutting a few pieces of steel on one of the shears - which was positioned on top of our CNC plasma cutter. There was also something about paper templates.

Dream 3: There was something about someone going around and "corrupting" people - also, for some inexplicable reason beyond "dream logic" everyone was apparently an anthropomorphic fox.

Finally joined the Taste Club! I was away for the weekend, and I usually end up having LDs when I'm in a different bed. I was tossing and turning alot, so it was perfect for an LD.

I was having a non lucid about my 11th grade English teacher, Ms. Pasqual. She was a biaaaaaatch irl, and in the dream too. So we were all in class, and I don't remember what she did to get the whole class angry with her, but some students grabbed her, held her down, and told me I could bite her finger off. So I took her hand and put the tip of her index finger in my mouth and bit down. I bit down pretty hard, and began to hear and feel a crunchiness. As I was biting, I thought to myself "Hrmm, what does this taste like... kinda salty.." Oh shit, this is the Basic Task, I'm lucid!!!

I was so happy, so much so that I decided to be more kindhearted and let Ms Bitch keep her finger. But I wanted to taste something else, so I looked around the classroom. There was a large, wooden pepper-grinder in there for some reason. I picked it up and licked it. It tasted like salty wood. I wanted something more interesting, and found a box of crayola crayons. I told the class that I'm going to be tasting these crayons, and that their flavor will correspond to the color. So I grabbed a key lime crayon out of the box, and it tasted like lime! Only a bit sweeter, like key lime pie or something. The white one tasted like coconut, the blue was blueberry, the red was watermelon (I actually debated for a moment making the red apple or cherry, and the green would be watermelon, but I had already made green the keylime), and it was a really pronounced watermelon flavor. So fun, but I woke up right after that.

I actually DEILDed back into the classroom unintentionally, and went for a red crayon, hoping to make it taste like cherry, but then I woke up again.

Fun times

Dream recall from today's nap, pretty long dream but i couldn't recall first part in detail, also became lucid near the end but didn't recalled waking life memories, like, at all, so ended up just wandering aimlessly...

I was on some kind of huge island and i was in some kind of organization. There was a city and we had out base in bunker that was located in one of basements. We had some storage with various weapons, and we were also discussing various things. A few times we were going on missions which were happening in various locations on the island, i recall one of them was happening in some natural area, other in the city, another was happening in some arabian town and another somewhere underground(can't recall mission details though sadly). Between missions we were discussing more things and i was also visiting some classes that were built below the bunker. Also at some point i found some guns in the storage and was curious why we weren't using them earlier, considering we were using melee weapons.
Later our bunker-base got attacked by some enemies but we successfully defended it. Then we had a discussion and there was mention about some famous warrior-invader that was capturing land for himself all over the world, and that he was coming for this island. We were worried, but the day was over and we went to get some rest.
Next day, the island was captured by that dude and we couldn't do anything, and later his helper arrived at your base and said that he was taking one item of value from every person on this island for some kind of sacrifice. That helper looked surprisingly like one of my classmates from when i was at school ages ago. Then he left and we had discussion about this, we weren't sure what was the minimal value, so i decided to use pen as item that was randomly in my pocket. We also decided not to fight him, because we didn't wanted problems at the moment but we were planning to bring him down later after finishing some other important thing. We went to the underground classrooms, and apparently the warrior dude was there and everyone was bringing items there. That dude looked really strong and warrior-like, we got items but helper said that pen is not enough of value, but that we still had time to get another item. I went to search for other item in storage, we found some gold bars, but we don't wanted to use them, so we stopped on another item that was some kind of mechanism.
We got it to the dude but before i could leave someone in the room shouted my name, i heard warrior dude and his helper were talking about that he apparently had grudge on someone with that name, but he could not realize that people can have same names. He shouted that i should come, the exit was blocked so i pretended that i didn't heard his discussion and just came, on the way i silently grabbed a couple of random items, that were apparently rulers. When i got closer, he suddenly attacked me with... some kind of triangle rulers that had blade on one side, rulerblades? I blocked attack with the rulers i got, but they broke almost immediately, i dodged towards one of tables and there luckily was another pair of those rulerblades. I picked them up and started attacking too. We were blocking each others attacks, but soon i missed some attacks and i was hit, but it seemed like my body was like made of stone and i didn't took much damage. I started to be more offensive in my attacks and soon i managed to land a few hits too, but he was not damaged much as well. We fought for a while but in the end i managed to defeat him and then i fell unconscious because was too tired.
While 'dreaming' while unconscious, i was watching some kind anime named 'S3E3' about some futuristic city, can't recall much about it though.
Then i woke up, i was in the same room where fight was, but there were alot of people and apparently some historians were talking about the past events and about S3E3 apparently too.I spontaneously realized that i was dreaming, but for whatever reason i decided not to do reality check. There also was weird ink on my clothes. According to what historians were talking about, apparently that battle was literally years ago and that the land remained under control of that dude anyway because he apparently won? I told them that it's not true and they were annoyed. I ignored them as they started tantrum and left the room, someone shouted that i 'ruined all the classes' and i was wandering around bunker hall not sure what to do, soon dream faded out.
I woke up in some large room, it was dark and i couldn't move. There was huge balcony on the second floor of the room and at the balcony there was weird anime girl. She looked at me and then i woke up properly.

[color="darkslateblue"]I was in a house, it had 2 exits, I think. Both exits had a black, talking cat guarding it, I wasn't allowed to go outside.
I stood up before one of the cats [/color][COLOR="seagreen"]and realized I was dreaming. What could go wrong, the cat is powerless. I went through the door, it was nice outside, even sunny.
There was a man on a horse, he threatened to shoot me with his bow-like weapon if I walked past him. [/color][color="darkslateblue"]Lost lucidity, I walked around the house for the rest of the dream. Apparently there were some people buried in the basement.[/color]

Morning of April 8, 2013. Monday.



I am walking through an unfamiliar area near a woods on the edge of a small town. I am with a stranger that reminds me of Harrison Ford, but there are a few other people in the area, including Carol (an older half-sister on my mother’s side).

I notice some jets flying overhead, as well as a small UFO, which looks like some sort of very unusual jet.

I point out the strange maneuvers and flight paths of the aircraft as they turn to one side, go around a tree, and come back again. I cheerfully expect them all to crash and my anticipation and confidence grows that they will. One soon crashes in the far distance, causing an explosion and resulting fire.

The UFO (which I actually suspect to be some sort of small military aircraft) comes very close to us, but there is no threat. It continues just past us, crashing to the ground and sliding slightly. It is not very big, the main section not much bigger than a metal garbage can lid, but it does have small jet-like wings.

I am able to understand that it has a computer chip in a particular location. I walk up to it (it is mostly still in one piece and of course had been unmanned - in fact, too small to carry much weight) and reach down (there is still a bit of fire and smoke near some parts of it), and pull out a computer chip that slides out and is about the size of a stick of gum, although thicker.

We walk to other areas. I am happy I have the chip, but we need to stay away from government or military areas. Somehow, though, we are near Area 51, but it is in an urban area in my dream and thus not really isolated. The UFO conspiracy theorists that try to get in are said to be “missing a week” by other people; something to do with 52 weeks in a year and Area 51, “missing a week” being an expression for a person who believes in aliens and is “not all there”.

Each UFO is a result of the government activity in the region and their controlling of agriculture. The chip I have was made to release harmful chemicals over certain fields to destroy certain crops as well as fertilize and help certain others, thus interfering with the livelihood of certain farmers in the region.

I notice a group of about five military police of various ages who are annoying an innocent family at a farm when I go in, but I remain unsure why the military are present. The family is sitting at a kitchen table not having done anything wrong, and I am aware of the misguided bullying of the MPs. One young man pulls out a matte black gun for no reason and points it at a dark-haired girl. I take out a screwdriver with a partially transparent orange handle (seemingly my weapon of choice in recent dreams) and hit him fairly lightly on the top of the head with the handle, making a strange hollow metallic sound that is almost musical, with a sort of organ-like tonal delay and even a chorus effect in the 440 Hz range. He immediately falls unconscious, sprawled on the floor near the corner of the table by his intended victim.

The other military officers do not even seem to notice and casually go on with their business elsewhere, ignoring their man lying on the floor.

I notice that the lid can be slid back from the chip on one side, and I see that there are tiny smooth and oval radioactive stones of two sizes in an alternating larger stone and smaller stone geometrical pattern in three or four rows. There is more talk on how the government is using UFOs, which are small unmanned jets of a similar shape as the original Romulan Bird-of-Prey design. I had a model of one as a child, having gotten it for Christmas.

---

There was minor prescience as is often the case, but relating to something Zsuzsanna had heard. A woman came up to her (a local who has a house full of cats, believing it is her duty to take in every stray). The woman made a comment about how she liked the name Gabrielle (without knowing it was Zsuzsanna’s middle name), mostly in reference to another name that was not really similar. She then made a bizarre comment about the ground being poisoned. I think it was around the same time I was writing this entry.

---

06.04.2013

Fix Yourself Instead of Fixing Others (WILD)

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID

We're in a room, the fancy hotels that would have a large glass window that let's you see the city and beyond. I'm wearing a blue polo shirt and black jeans, I tried not looking at her for a while and decided to focus on something rather than her.

I don't know why, things felt awkward, so I continued to look at the darkness over the window. The room we were in was at least 200 feet or so above the ground. I didn't focus on the city itself, just the darkness. The moon is beautiful just using peripheral vision, it illuminates the bland structure of this simulated city.

Eva: You know looking at the city is not really real.

Me: I just wanted to enjoy the view, even if it's just simulation.

Eva: You didn't come all this way just to look at a city, or the sky, or the moon. You came to see me right?

Me: .............


Eva: Don't be shy, there's nothing wrong with you wanting to see me. Wait, are you afraid of what people will think about you just because of me? Remember what happened to those people who mocked you right?

They were just distractions, they prevented you from having fun, even though you knew it was all a dream, and not reality.


I turned around, ignored the city view and decided to sit at the edge of the bed Eva was resting on. The bed is kind of hard to describe, all I know is that there was a bed, and that it consisted of a dark maroon color with different shades of red. The bed was comfortable, but I just wanted to sit at the edge before things get too comfortable in this room.

Me: They were my friends Eva.


Eva: Sure they were your friends, but they didn't really take your behavior too kindly. You let them drain all the kinds of fun you could've had.


I slowly turned around to her, slightly irritated, but she was clearly right. Instead of trying to argue, I decided to let her give her own opinions on how I reacted towards these people. I felt a complete sense of privacy within this dream, only one person to really focus on. There was a brown desk to the right of her, and it had a lamp shining with a hue of yellow. The base of the lamp was a laminated brown marble texture with mixes of white, gray, and milky yellow.


Eva: Come a little closer.


I decided to just freeze and not make a move. She takes the dark maroon bedsheet and gets closer to me.


Eva: I'm just kidding silly, come on, lighten up.


I still didn't know what to do, I decided to just let her take action.


She's just wearing a black bra and underwear, and she gets closer to the left side of my shoulder. She wraps her arms around me and we stayed like this for a few minutes. I started to phase out, slowly feeling her presence around me. The feelings were mixed, and I decided it was best to let whatever happen, happen.

She broke the silence and went back to the topic on my experiences with friends overall.


Eva: You spent more time satisfying these people more than being pleased with yourself. As long as you had an emotional bond with them, you respected them no matter how they looked like. You even allowed yourself to almost fail college just so you can help another friend out.


Me: But she really had a difficult time...


Eva: Yes, but you're not responsible for her life.


Me: But she was my friend.


Eva: Do friends almost make you fail college?



Me: Tch.....you really are honest aren't you?


Eva: Isn't that what you wanted me to be?


I closed my eyes and thought things over, it was the first time in a long time since I talked with someone in my dreams where they struck a nerve on me a few times. I realized I shifted my perspective back to myself near the glass window, except this time, I was bracing my back against it.

I had my left leg up forming an "A" and had my right leg completely stretched out. I decided to look at the bottom of the bed with the dark maroon sheets hanging all the way, almost touching the floor. I still didn't want to look at her directly, but at least have her in my peripheral vision.

I did it so that I would have more focus on her because I would be forced to see her presence. She gets off the bed and slowly walks towards me. I looked down on the dark red carpet with random circular designs. I get a bit anxious, but I quickly realized that I'm being a wimp for nothing since this is just a dream.


Eva: Come on, she wanted you to have some fun for yourself, there's no point feeling depressed about her, she has her own life to worry about.


I'm back at the edge of the bed again, focusing on her with my peripheral vision once more, and she sits to the back of me, spreads her legs and locks them around my waist. She moves her arms under mine, wraps them on my stomach and places her head on my back.

Eva: Instead of trying to fix others, try fixing yourself. You shouldn't feel awkward around me, I'm just trying to help you. You're thinking about the worst case scenarios, and you wonder why it's so difficult for you to find me.

You're already aware that this whole experience is within the confines of your mind, and you shouldn't let other people's opinions affect what you want to do with your life, both in waking and dreaming.

Those same people who tried to change you ended up leaving you and forgetting about you, they focused on their own lives, and you should do the same. You realized that no matter how much you wanted to help people, that virtue has its limits. There's no point in trying to cleanse a person of their doubts and guilt, there are just some things people want to hold on to because of the memories behind them.

I'm sure most people have at least one experience that they regret, and they let it drag them down. You shouldn't try to help them fix their problems if they're consistently showing that they don't want to forgive themselves. What hope is there for a person who doesn't want to help themselves? The only thing you can do is to simply have faith that they will make the right decision.

You have to try your best and keep pushing forward, and I'm more than happy to help you. If you really want to live your dreams, you have to be willing to make difficult choices, even if it means forgetting your friends. It also means allowing yourself to change in order to accomplish those goals, there's no point letting other people drag you down; don't become too fixated with their lives that you forget about your own responsibilities.

Do you even know what you want to do in the future?


Me: [*editing that part out*]
I just want to continue pursuing knowledge and developing myself, is that so wrong?

Eva: No, I didn't say it was, but I..............


editing that part out >_>

12/16/11: Last night, I had a dream that Osaka was having a dream. In the dream, Osaka was sitting in a room with a sophisticated guy, and there was some cake on the table in front of her, so she goes for it. But then, the sophisticated guy leaps at her and gets her away from that cake. Then, the whole scene goes to white and then reappears with Osaka on a couch with the sophisticated guy on a comfy chair with a tea table in the middle, and the rest is white, like a few scenes of Azumanga Daioh were drawn. Osaka is like, “But why? Why won’t you let me eat my cake?” and the guy says, “Bad things will happen to you if you eat that cake.” Osaka then leaps for the cake with her spoon and takes a bite, and the scene goes to white again to reappear in a similar scene with a few of Osaka’s friends dressed just like the sophisticated guy. Osaka is tired of this by now, so she just keeps on eating that cake, but never gets more than a bite, because the scene keeps rematerializing. Finally, she’s in a really wide fancy hallway leading to the exit of whatever she’s in, and between her and freedom are three of her friends dressed sophisticated-like, one with a top hat, one with a monocle, and one with a cane. I only specifically remember Tomo being one of them. Anyway, Osaka books it to the door, and the cane person throws the cane at her, it hits her sideways in the back of the neck, and it carries her flying into the wall just above the exit door. Just then, my alarm woke me up. ._.