non-lucid

I think the overall idea of this dream is that I was going in and out of consciousness and explaining elements of my dreams to... Someone I was sharing a bed with? Documentary style??? One such element was a modification of either dph or heroin popular in the 4chan trans community that made the user hear an ominous text to speech voice followed by a feeling of intense dread and paralysis. The greek goddess Artemis herself took control of my body after I woke up, sat at the edge of the bed, turned on the lights, grasped her head and expressed grief and righteous parental concern at the idea of anyone doing that to herself. A lot of this part of the dream involved strategically looking at nothing and smothering my face in darkness so as to reduce the effect. At some other point after I fell back asleep in the dream, I was at what was supposedly the watt/I-80 station dropping off/making sure a housemate was alright to get where she needed to be. I told her of the similarities this scene had to the last dream, although the last dream was a nightmare and my housemate had a legit knife instead of a butter knife in her hand. We were overlooking a lake on a bridge. After taking the elevator down and avoiding eye contact with anything not directly in front of me, I hop onto the train back to... Watt/I-80? The point is I was taking the blue line back to the station near my house (which isn't that one). A fare inspector came by despite my expectation that since it was so early in the morning I'd be off the hook. He looked like my second year community college sociology professor and I noted the gorgeous frozen lake sunset scenery just as my zip pass randomly got deleted. He told me I had to get off and I said that was fine because this was my next stop. What should have been Watt/I-80 West or the one before that was "West Antarctic Station". I got off at a frozen riverbank where no train tracks appeared to be present. The river opened into the same gorgeous lake I pointed out to the fare inspector and I was officially stranded while waiting for the next train.

My girlfriend was in this dream somewhere at some point but I couldn't tell you where. There were also points in the dream where I got off at a bus stop at a corner store near an intersection in an otherwise nature-y area.

Funny couple days. Day 1 i was making a supper. For some reason the Jamie voice likes to bug me while I'm trying to cook. " You're doing that wrong... That's too much!!! You cut those too big!" First of all I ask how she would even know what I am doing? She always answers that she can see it in her mind. I always say you're not here to eat it, so let me do it my way.

Also the brake pads on my car are going so I'm not delivery driving until they are fixed. My dad has work for now.

Jamie 1

A quick flash of Jamie standing over a stove, eating out of a pot. Apparently it's supposed to be what I made. She smiles at me while eating it.

Jamie 2

A quick flash of her in a wheelchair. She's rolling towards me. Hm I hope this isn't a real thing.

Next night: nothing.

Yesterday, possible drive by when it was getting dark. I was talking to her voice outside and heard, " I really wanna see you." I heard a car slow down by me house, so I walked to see. It was super dark. A grey car drove by and in the passenger seat I saw a head turn to look at me. But it was so dark and fast I couldn't make the person out. The head turn was like her though.

Like I said, I don't mind if she does this. Just please make sure I can clearly see her. I wanna see her too. It does help validate to me what I'm going through on this blog. So don't be sneaky or disguise herself.

Jamie 3?

I was in a gas station store, that had a McDonald's in it or something. A familiar woman went to the glass door. Her hair was dyed light purple. I thought it was Zoe from when I worked with Jamie, Z worked at the same place. The woman recognized me and she seemed to be holding back tears. Zoe was another "friend." From that time (not as close), who suddenly turned on me when I was going through my dark night of the soul. So I reacted in the dream as if it was Zoe.

She started to say something but I cut her off with. " What, you're suddenly going to talk to me after 13 years? We were good friends and you dropped me without explanation, and I'm supposed to just accept you back?"

The woman took a step back. She said, "I'm going to kill myself." And it sounded like Jamie's voice. And she turned and ran out the door. I was going to follow her and apologize, but I woke up.

Yeah, I guess I'm going to have to be very careful with my words. I'm pretty sure it was Jamie in the dream. Unfortunately, the way I described Zoe also applies to her. I do acknowledge that Jamie at least, tried to explain. Just not very well.

I woke up and realized I had fallen asleep and didn't finish my prayers. I had started and dosed off. The Jamie voice was there , but quiet. We eventually talked about it somewhat and agreed to finish my long list of prayers. I added to not let us be prisoners to the pain of our past. There's a line about love in Corinthians somewhere in the Bible that says something like, "Love keeps no records of wrongdoings." While what I said to Zoe in the dream applies to Jamie, and I do indeed feel that way sometimes. That is a worthy goal to strive for. It's almost humanly impossible to forget. That's why I'm going to rely on Jesus and shut my mouth if Jamie comes to me in person with something to say.

Bull

I was in the lobby of a hotel checking on my business cards. I noticed the display tray was emptied. So I went to get more cards. When I got back there was a menacing bull with big horns in my way. I made sure I wasn't carrying anything red, so that it wouldn't charge at me.

Other small dreams involved something about a McDonald's franchise owner was meeting with a man who owned a bar franchise, or something.... Idk

One dream seemed to involve the lady from Our of the box. Hey, they haven't called me in weeks... I'm to shy to call them now.

Driven
Circle side-winding streets. Curse shape-shifting signs. Neath my wheels the living lines glitch with murderous glee. Snared in this slippery scene I drive... drive... am driven mad.

Thunder Hearts
A cat says, "A dog once said that hearts are tough, like thunder." We part ways. I can do nothing but wander, ponder, wonder.

Ember
Why does time, in all its wisdom, not stamp out our stubborn spark? Despise the flighty smolder that swells when our souls trip into each other. Fight? Flight? Freeze? Fawn? Want these basic embers gone. Employ fifth F... facade. Walk behind the ancient, unmoved mask. Let me lust fires fairer than this.

Constellation
Here we stand in surging lands of bullies, baggage, and ramblers. Our trek has forked. Our birds take flight. We soar into opposite nights. I am leery, lonely, lost. I wish you well. I wish you grace. I wish you find your perfect place. Only moon and stars connect us now. We have become the constellation Chrysalis.

Dreams from September 19th.

A Shell
Grave golden. Veins shriveled. Spirits ragged, as jagged as the twisting, turning trails. Bare soles scrape cross banks and beds of iridescent disaster. Suffer glorious torture. Search for salvation in but one unfragmented shell.

Show
Seduced by gaudy glimmers and fair fueled glee. Contraptions groan. Barkers yip. Music ebbs and flows, drowns out crows, cats, and other creeping souls... like me. Dare we sink into the shoddy arms of pendulums and scramblers?

Old one!

1. (Fragment)

Lucid - although I barely remember. I stand at my kitchen counter in blue darkness, my mum on the other side, and pinch my nose for a reality check. It fails, and I know that I am dreaming - I wonder faintly how to keep my mum from finding out.

2.

I dream a song - it is a rap or more accurately, spoken. I recall hearing it in full, with distinct rhythm and what felt to be profoundly meaningful words, though I can't remember much now.

When I think of Amy Wine/
_.._.._/
_.._..and/
Laid the foundations/
Of beauty...

The song resounds in my mind as I fly over the city and the rooftops, feeling like a shooting star. The sky fades between several hazy, painted landscapes - sunsets, mornings - beaming light and colour. They are by her - she was an artist, surely.

3.

I am walking through the streets around my home - touring someone around, perhaps - perhaps I am experiencing a TV show about my area. It feels like that - like I'm not really here. Someone else's voice in my head explains to me what I'm seeing. I pass down a cobbled street, introducing the viewer to the pastry factory on the other side of the street - although it looks like a warehouse it makes the best cakes, and they're cheap! (IRL in its supposed location there is in fact a small film studio - it does look like a warehouse.) It's evening and the sky is indigo with a blurry slice of cold yellow at the bottom. I am heading home with a spring in my step - it should be almost dinnertime.

Once I'm back in my room, I reach for something on my desk and it's not there - strange - only a gap. This makes me feel odd so I move a few other objects to fill the space and placate my suspicions. When I look over to my bedside table, too, things I thought would be there are missing. My confusion grows and I rearrange some trinkets and ornaments so it looks normal, to take my mind off the weirdness.

I check my phone; I have an email notification. My parents were discussing my always being late and what they should do about it (??). It seems I was late to dinner tonight and my dad's response was to confiscate loads of my belongings. I can't believe he'd do this without even telling me, and the next thing I find missing, I storm out to confront him about it. I can't remember his response.

4. (Fragment)

An attic dimly lit with blue light. Open cardboard boxes are about, books stacked inside. There is a bookshelf against the back wall opposite the door and a small window in the slant of the roof.

Notes:

- More technology.
- Dream music! Who else has this happened to?
- Seems like a trend (with my last lucid dream) that despite being lucid I don't want DCs to know I'm dreaming or see me do anything abnormal. I really wonder why...

Went home early today, started feeling tired but not sick. I can't do consistent 10-14 hour days like I know some ppl do.

Night off I decided to focus on the Jamie voice. If it's really her we had a good time and my dreams reflected that. Last 2 nights no dreams of Jamie.

Jamie 1

Just a flash of slow dancing with her in a bar. The song sounded country... Blech!! But we were enjoying ourselves and started kissing.

Jamie 2

I was in a park with Jamie. I was laying down and she got on me and started dry humping me. Lol. The image of it was funny. What if there's kids around?

I can't remember my other dreams very well. One was in a large building.

I find focusing on Jamie more instead of other things increases the frequency of dreams.

Foragers
Sisters three are starved. The fragrance of free food will not be ignored. Two weave past stops and through shops to find their fare. Third parts with bills to get her fill.

Cousin Son
I am a parent. Cousin becomes son. His mind, a masterpiece of meandering whims. A slave to his senses. He heeds with his eyes. His face must be forced toward my own before he will hear my voice. Aunt rescues him back from the mean hearted methods that must be used to maintain his composure.

Bee-ing.
Pick about posies. Sweep all shapes of bees into tiny jars. So caught up in the chore that the shire can't be seen past a handbasket of bees.

I was ordering takeout with my fiance. His mom was there who I quite do not like irl and so I simply told her "I haven't seen you in a while". Eventually morning came and we were still waiting on the sushi. Someone else we were with opted to order pizza, and so we were waiting for pizza as well. The place we were in was unfamiliar but it looked nice, albeit somewhat like a display in a store with how large the front window looking out onto the alley we were in was.

Next, I was in the bay area trying to locate the nearest practice space so my band could start doing stuff. Everyone else was there already and at first I was doing okay but eventually I found myself lost on the peninsula and was turned around quite a bit. I got help from the owner of a chinese restaurant that I promised I'd come back to afterwards and I was able to use their wifi. While trying to locate the studio in google maps which showed quite an odd version of the bay area and adjacent landmasses, I overheard a chinese woman talking to the owner, saying she was surprised she still remembered english. Afterwards I thanked them and was on my way towards geary street, which in the dream extended quite far down past san francisco. However, I found myself instead inside someone's incredibly poorly lit house. I found pieces of writing on the ground/on furniture and walls and pieces of paper that suggested that the person whose house I was in was an actor and eventually I found myself in the middle of my childhood kitchen. I hugged my grandma, who resembled more closely a stereotypical russian grandma and had an emotional moment with her where I said I felt bad that she probably always saw me as my mom's kid, which she seemed somewhat offended by in a "I would never see you like that" way before disappearing and leaving me in the kitchen. I gained lucidity when I realized that there's no way I could actually even be in this house anymore and I grabbed a small axe to defend myself before waking myself up and placing the hatchet on my computer desk. That being said I can tell you safely that I have never had an axe or hatchet of any kind so I don't know what that was about because it's certainly not there right now. It felt as if there was no clean transition between dreaming and wakefulness.

(At some point in a vaguely remembered separate fragment, I was discussing working with Set with someone I think)

I was ordering takeout with my fiance. His mom was there who I quite do not like irl and so I simply told her "I haven't seen you in a while". Eventually morning came and we were still waiting on the sushi. Someone else we were with opted to order pizza, and so we were waiting for pizza a well. The place we were in was unfamiliar but it looked nice, albeit somewhat like a display in a store with how large the front window looking out onto the alley we were in was.

Next, I was in the bay area trying to locate the nearest practice space so my band could start doing stuff. Everyone else was there already and at first I was doing okay but eventually I found myself lost on the peninsula and was turned around quite a bit. I got help from the owner of a chinese restaurant that I promised I'd come back to afterwards and I was able to use their wifi. While trying to locate the studio in google maps which showed quite an odd version of the bay area and adjacent landmasses, I overheard a chinese woman talking to the owner, saying she was surprised she still remembered english. Afterwards I thanked them and was on my way towards geary street, which in the dream extended quite far down past san francisco. However, I found myself instead inside someone's incredibly poorly lit house. I found pieces of writing on the ground/on furniture and walls and pieces of paper that suggested that the person whose house I was in was an actor and eventually I found myself in the middle of my childhood kitchen. I hugged my grandma, who resembled more closely a stereotypical russian grandma and had an emotional moment with her where I said I felt bad that she probably always saw me as my mom's kid, which she seemed somewhat offended by in a "I would never see you like that" way before disappearing and leaving me in the kitchen. I gained lucidity when I realized that there's no way I could actually even be in this house anymore and I grabbed a hatchet with my left hand to defend myself before waking myself up and placing the hatchet on my computer desk. That being said I can tell you safely that I have never had an axe or hatchet of any kind so I don't know what that was about because it's certainly not there right now. It felt as if there was no clean transition between dreaming and wakefulness.

(At some point in a vaguely remembered separate fragment, I was discussing working with Set with someone I think)

Not much to my recall this morning. Just flickers of things that I hope will trigger a fuller recall later.

1- Weight and depth lie behind parallel lines chalked upon a black board.

2- A Gandalf-esque shadow crosses my path but there is no wizard to be seen.

3 - Bliss is found in nonsensical sounds.

Betrothal
Such strangeness to be betrothed to a stranger. This union feels useless. Laughter erupts from my knotted gut. Walk out. Grin at the gathering. They glare back, strangers wrapped in Sunday best. My promised pleas for return. I run. Escape harder for the drama of it all. Find more feeling under wild skies and winding dirt roads.

Kin
Impatiently we await the arrival of all kin. Our golden seats never truly fill. One comes. One goes. We are never all there. We are never collected. We never commence.

Jaws
But for an immense jaw, the rest of her is plain. Teeth, like crackled spades shine our way. In friendship? In threat? We can not say. Snake closer. Can not angle my eyes away from the anomaly that is her mouth.

Ponies and Dragons
I know this prancing place with its waning wicks, somber songs, spirits swilling spirits. I desire sustenance, not possession. There is nothing to nourish me here. Slip through splintered portals. Step sudden into the bright. My soul alights. "Is this the Dragon?" I ask a dancer-by. A nod. A smile. A nudge into the spree. I am embraced entirely.

Note: Finally, without a doubt, made it into the Shire. There have been fleeting instances where I perhaps have been there. But they went without confirmations so I could not rightly claim them. But last night, I was there. I can confidently check 'Visit Middle Earth' and 'Visit the Shire' off my list. Now to get to that big birthday bash in Hobbiton. So close yet so far away.

No dreams recalled on the morning of the 9th.

September 10th

Stranger Party
Roused by shimmers of 'Sing around the Posy'. Know not where I am going or from where I have come. Sing our way to some stranger party. We never arrive.

Flickering Sea
Hundreds of candlesticks blaze cross twilit undulations of a clipped crop. On the fringe of this flickering sea of memories are faces. Some smile Some weep. Some seem asleep. Some stay as simple as sunless stones. I keep lighting fires.

Cast Away
Wind pours through labyrinth alleys. Like jilted rats, people scatter at sight of twisting grey. A baby is abandoned, blanket wound, near trampled. I carry the cast away. Barely elude the loveless stroke of seething heaven.

No dream recollections for the 11th.

lo siento, estaba confundida
lo siento, estaba intentando
lo siento, estaba perdida
lo siento, estaba muy feliz en ese momento
lo siento, estaba ansiosa
lo siento, estaba asustada
lo siento, creí que algo cambiaría
lo siento, estaba aprendiendo
lo siento