All DJ Entries

A fantastically strange dream I had this morning, 19 August 2012. We begin at a Level Two dream, a dream-within-a-dream.

The time is approximately 4:30 am. I have been unable to sleep all night, and we are all partying in the French room. I feel the beginning of a depressive episode, or more accurately, a disrupted-sleep cycle episode.

I talk to random people about even more random stuff. This one guy sits in the corner, brown hair and blue eyes, looking positively stoned. I try to talk to him by waving my T-shirt in front of his face. Nothing.

Finally, I get him to speak. He asks me a bunch of game show-style questions, and says a series of long words, with each one supposed to be longer than the last:

1. pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
2. supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
3. antidisestablishmentarianism

Clearly, those are in the wrong order. He then asks me some questions about golf. I know nothing about golf - have never played.

I wave my shirt in front of his face again in the shape of an Ouroboros. Nothing.

I then sit down at a table with some classmates. A girl is reading this book about careers and life decisions, and a guy she's friends with is talking with us about it. She seems to have the wrong assessment of it, though, by giving a bunch of false analogies about how your decisions are like making a cake or something, about how important it is not to mix certain ingredients together. The basic premise is that once you set off on one path, you can't set off onto another. The guy said that this is not true.

With her permission, I begin to write down some of what she says in my all-purpose notebook, which becomes a fury of words and doodles. There is more than one path to reach any goal, I think.

Suddenly, the teacher, who reminds me of my Cantonese French teacher from grade seven, terminates the "Party" in a military-style manner. I pray--I know, that I won't be included in this disciplinary action. I go to the front of the room to dispose a water bottle into a recycling bin, as it has been done since the dawn of time. She yells and says it was the water SHE bought, but dumps it away anyway. I begin to wake up from this second dream.

An anti-depression group on Facebook sends me a huge message in which the entire group of more than 1,000 people are included. The leader of the group asks me to "get help" for my actions at the party. What?

It is OK to take a winding path.

LEVEL 1.5 DREAM - TIME SCALE: NONE.

A book lays out four points. Yes, this is the same book that the girl was reading. Point one: STDs are bad.

"Internships are also bad, and you'll be frustrated with them for the rest of your university career. Just kidding! Teen life after graduation isnt that bad".

It goes on a bit about the importance of sleep, or rather, why sleep is something to be taken advantage of even when you can get none of it...

LEVEL ONE DREAM - BEFORE THE INCEPTION

I go to bed at 11 pm, but I continue not sleeping. Was that anti-stigma depression group on Facebook involved to a certain extent? I draw conclusions and make recommendations about a certain university in the vicinity of Cambridge, Ontario, noting five: Waterloo, if not Waterloo then Wilfred Laurier; McMaster, Guelph and Western, maybe Queens...

I drift off to "sleep", which isn't really sleep at all.

One inception later...

LEVEL ONE DREAM - AFTER THE INCEPTION

It's almost 8 am, and the building I'm in looks like a mix of all the styles of buildings I'd stayed in during my visit to China three years ago. It has the appearance of a hotel, my bedroom to the left and back of a bathroom, the door near the front, my parents' room to my left.

My mom questions me about that online chat I had with three different guys that appeared on the room in different colours, red, green and blue, or maybe mauve. It's Monday. For some reason, the chat takes place at about the same time as that "Party" in the French room, and it continues until about 4 am, when I "fell asleep" but drifted into that other dimension.

Suddenly, I'm back in my normal house again, but there has been no discrepancy in surroundings. It's dark outside, despite the time of day. I check the weather forecast: the fourteen-day trend shows today below normal, about 9C (about 48F), and Tuesday is above normal. Wednesday is below normal, and Thursday's temperature is actually unknown after the thunderstorms, but it turns out to be about 12C (54F). Friday...snow?! At first, first glance, the first three days are unknown in temperature.

LEVEL 0.5 DREAM - TIME FRAME: NONE, NOWHERE, literally "no WHERE"

I'm tracking my depressive episodes on a spreadsheet, as the yellow lines jot up and down. I think about how my earliest episodes had negative healing energy, and how my late grandmother suffered from it. This time, I had better consult positive healing.

I'm reading a book, or maybe an Internet page similar to Dream Views, on a guide for lucid dreaming. The page is attached to the main server like a paper clip, like a yellow banana-type paper clip!

The columnist's name is Heather, or maybe Courtney, or maybe Stephanie. She comments on a method, and asks, "will your gin/ be like that"? I think that's a typographical error on my part, sorry, cheri-o.

Back to the method granted during the 1.5 dream level: does that mean they're saying you should avoid STDs as much as possible, and reach for your career goals as much as possible? In other words, are they telling you to be a virgin, and stay a virgin?

Which university should I pick?

Of course, I am advised, to take home foods, and not drugs! Consult my spiritual 'minister' instead, who is along for the journey this wjole time. I pray--I know--that your dream will awaken.

Before the military-style party-coup takes me away for the excecution, I announce to a TV-style audience interview that I discovered THIS part of the brain, as I point to the area above my ear, whisking my hands in a scalpel-like motion, the temporal lobe...

The manifestation of spiritual ecstasy...

We must always question reality, even when it seems we are not dreaming, in order to lucid dream. I try to do a reality check, but I am actually aware that I am NOT dreaming...

I awaken for real this time. It's 4:30 am, and I have a cold, which is not apparent in my dream.

Moribund. I see Orion rising in the east. It it a winter constellation. Soon it will be back to slow yet. There are two very bright "stars" in the sky, one atop Orion over eastern Taurus at about magnitude -1, which is Jupiter. The other is barely visible behind some tree, near Gemini, about magnitude -4, quite obviously Venus.

A'ho Calalami - a sacred chant (an even more sacred ritual by sacred beings on this sacred Earth). The ramble, the ramble, the ramble. Timetable of an elongated executive quasi-quarter century.

PART II

I think, in fact, that there is no recollection between my first falling asleep and my first memory of being in my dark bedroom. Maybe this is actually a WILD experience.

I check the time, and it appears to be consistent. Around 5 am. Yet, I look at it again, and it flashes all over the place, and I realize I don't need to do my second check, of reading what I had just written.

I am in a dark room. The mirrors scare me greatly, yet I look into them with interest. I realize that it is a dream and I begin to be lucid, and I walking into the mirror, apparently stuck there for just a moment, entangled, before I emerge into another universe...

LEVEL TWO DREAM

I walk out into the living room, trying to smash through the front windows. It stops me, yet darkness has turned to daylight, about 7:30 pm, near sunset. I walk into a mirror again, when it was dark, and I return to my bed, I return to the mirror...

I walk toward the front door, opening it. I see the reflection of a woman in the mirror, who looks like my mom's face merged into somebody else's. She apparently beckons me not to go outside, but I do so anyway, and walk out onto the street.

The theme of today's mission is nutshot.

I walk into my street, turning left, but 100 metres in, I stop. I decide that my mom was right after all, and I turn back. When I check the mirror again, there is no more reflection. The mirror no longer scares me. I am no longer afraid. I walk to my bedroom.

The sun has almost set now.

LEVEL THREE DREAM

Without any discrepancy, not even for a moment, I fall into another dream, perhaps through sleep, and awaken as I climb down a set of stairs. It does not scare me, as huge stairs did in the past.

I'm walking down into the depression group's cavern. There are literally hundreds--maybe thousands--of people here, each one applauding as I walk down. It resembles a set of circular stairs more than it does a Maya temple, but it is easily 500 metres en plus from top to bottom.

A frail-looking elderly woman in a wheelchair is pulled up as I step aside to let her pass. I walk to the right, and to my left stand thousands of people, each with a different face, applauding, just applauding.

Finally, I reach the bottom. The lights are on and it looks like one of my friends' basements, only MUCH larger, but just as low-hanging with the ceiling. I ask one person as soldiers stand by. "Why", I ask, are there more people down there?

"They're probably just reproducing. Ha, I'm kiddding. Say, Junior, know any grade 12s who can handle a rifle?"

This is a real program. In room 1, I find strangers talking.

I then step into Room 2. Here are four people I recognize sitting on a sofa, along with more people I recognize sitting all around. This includes one guy who said I'd helped save him from a life of suicide.

I ask them where I might find the bathroom. I was also going to ask me whether they saw my crazy moves at that party in the French room, because at least one of them was here, but I didn't have the time, I needed to pee. They all point me to the girl's bathroom.

"What! Dude, that's the female bathroom!"

They all laugh.

You idiot. You know if you pee in a dream, you'll wake up and actually have to pee in waking life. Have you lost your mind, or more accurately, your lucidity?

I then walk into room 1 again, speaking in an Indian accent, "do yoo know vherre dee bathroom is?"

Some guys are sitting there talking, "he didn't have a rifle". I shrug and then smirk incredulously. Where they looking for me?

I wake up. It is around 6:40 am, and I go to the bathroom. The golden sunlight pours in but I manage to drift back to sleep.

PART III

I'm in a backyard garden of some sort. Somebody's kid might get charged for violence, because the school's charter expressedly prohibits violence against another student's "dick", "nuts" or "ballsack".

I read a hithertofore-yet-unknown chapter of the Bible. It's called Hittites, and near the end, a voice that seems to be God asks a man to renounce everything he's known to date about religion. It has an Egyptian air to it. With much haste and hesitation, he does. "Let ye forget all you have learned, and seek God's salvation from here anew. Replace all your man's word with my word. A new pearl will appear in your forehead".

The Bible I'm reading has excluded a certain chapter beginnign with the letter L. It's certainly not Luciferians.

It then goes onto the New Testament. I begin to close the book.

Should I go to church today?

Now, I'm on a boat of some sort, without any discrepancy. The founder of a project, who is female, talks about the benefits of getting dolphins and humans to play together in this lake. First, she says, the dolphin feeding will attract phytoplankton, causing a bloom. This will then stretch out, and bring gold nanoparticles to the surface, as well as lower global carbon dioxide levels, in a method not yet unexplained. I thought they'd tried iron fertilization for algae blooms and that failed to lower carbon in the atmosphere by any significant amount?

This is the same method, she continued, of bringing gold to the face using algae, and creating a gold mask and a gold leaf that one will now wear on the face.

When I wake up again, it is 8:20 am.

A recurring "subject" of my dreams are teeth. A few days ago, I experienced the next dream fragment in a non-lucid state.

I stand in some sort of a jail, I think, with another guy. I don't pay any attention to him and move toward a window.
The window looks out on a river passing right by the buildings' wall. There's a kid across the river. He notices me and throws something towards me.
I manage to catch the object and inspect it. It's a golden necklace or something like that. There's a row of teeth hanging on it, with jawbone and all, fully made out of gold.
It looks like a series of teeth as if it were to come from a person that would get multiple teeth renewals.

As you can see here, a baby's adult teeth are already there, waiting for renewal.


In the particular case of this dream, there was a line of 4 teeth, attached with bone, though all made out of gold including the bone structure.
I can't remember doing anything after looking at the teeth.


I have already dreamed about teeth before. Once I dreamed that my teeth were falling out for no apparent reason. I run to the bathroom (the house looked pretty much the same as my real house as far as I can recall) and watch into the mirror. I see myself as I was expecting, nothing special. I open my mouth and blood slowly pours out. It runs into the drain. Can't remember anything further than that, dream happened a long time ago.



I notice that these teeth dreams mainly appear when I'm experiencing stress or sadness in the wake life...

01/25/12

School of Magic
I am in a large building with a group of people, we are there for a class. The instructor is a man I don't recognize, and he is teaching us about magical energy. The school seems to be some form of Hogwarts. The room we are in is a sort of auditorium. The instructor fires a blast of magical energy into a designated target at one end of the room. He says it is time for everyone else to show what they can do. A lot of the other students don't seem to know how to create the energy blast. I hear a woman's voice through some kind of speaker system. She is standing up on a balcony looking down on us. She says she will vaporize the lot of us if the instructor doesn't come up there and face her like a man. He clearly doesn't want to but decides he has no choice.

He goes through a door that leads up to the balcony from behind. I follow him, and several other students come along as well. A couple of them are saying I need to stay out of that, let them deal with their own problems. I ignore them and we get to the top of the ramp. There is a room off the balcony where the woman and the instructor are facing off. They both fire a beam of energy at each other, the energy intercepts in the middle… but hers is clearly stronger. I get closer to them and I focus on drawing some of that energy out of her attack and into me. Her energy beam actually curves off and heads into me, allowing the instructor's energy beam to get through and hit her. It was apparently a stunning spell of some kind as she is knocked unconscious. Now everyone is staring at me in amazement. I am feeling quite energized. Everyone seems speechless.

Card Depression
I am in a card shop that is in a large mall. I go into the shop and start looking around at the various things on the shelves. Most of it is too expensive for me to buy, but I am enjoying just looking. I wonder if I might be able to jack something small… maybe just a pack of cards or something. I glance around and I don't see anyone looking, I grab a pack of Pokémon cards and slip it into my purse. I feel I have done enough stealing here. I look around a bit more and I see there is a gaming room in the back. I go in there and people are comparing their Pokémon cards. Hey! I have Pokémon cards! I see the others are using their cards to summon real Pokémon. Cool! I open my pack of cards and I find I got two cards with Pokémon on them. The rest of them are assorted effect cards and other stuff I don't know what it is. The two cards with Pokémon on them is a Pikachu and an Espeon. I summon both of the Pokémon and they join a few others that were summoned by a couple other people in the room. All of the Pokémon are playing with each other. One of the others wants to have a match between them… my Pikachu indicates he is not interested, my Espeon seems to be trying not to laugh.

So my Pokémon follow me out of the card shop and into the mall. I wander through the mall for a while. I leave the mall and find there isn't really a parking lot, but there is a lake there. There is also a large dump truck pouring trash into the lake. The trash turns the water black. I tell them to stop doing that, they're poisoning the lake. A man driving asks why that should matter. Pikachu zaps the truck with a bolt of lightning, Espeon telekinetically throws the truck into the air where it disappears from sight. I look at the lake, there are dead animals floating in the water. I find that sight to be so depressing… I am wondering what I can do, and what good will it do if no one even cares? Pikachu and Espeon seem to be trying to cheer me up, but it doesn't help.

I was in my room, on the bed, one evening. Cat was there as well, lying closer to the wall. He was wearing a white shirt. He (or I) was reading something, then he lied down on his back, his eyes closed. I lied next him coz I wanted to look at his sleepy face. When I got closer, I saw his eyes are still open slightly. When he saw me, he suddenly looked funny at me. I told him I just want to watch him as he sleeps. He turned around, facing the wall.

I went somewhere and went back. Cat was talking on the phone, facing the wall (or maybe pretending that someone called him). Then he said he has to go. I got sad. When he was about to go out the door, I reached for his hand and asked him where he's going. He said he's just going to the bathroom. I slowly let go of his hand as he slowly walked away into the bathroom, while both of us still looking at each other. I finally lost sight of him when I closed the door.

I went somewhere far. Bacolod? Morning. I was looking at eye/sunglasses in a store. I went out. I was in downtown Bacolod. I ran, sad and depressed, because he left me. Then I wondered, what if he just went somewhere, and he was going to return, but then he didn't find me at home, so we just went away? I got more depressed.

It was near the pier in Toledo. I ran. I was near the pier. The beach, with clean, white sand. There were some plants. I jumped over into lower ground on the beach, which was more than six feet high (I'd normally feel very uncomfortable jumping from that height). I felt sad, but at the same time, I didn't mind getting hurt physically, because the pain in my heart hurt more.

Then I reached a place on the beach where there are more people. There is a family of two male parents; they're married and they have three kids, having a blast at the beach. I checked the next "jump," and it was a lot higher. Too high. I saw a bamboo ladder going down. I told myself I'll go down and once I'm lower, I'll jump backwards onto the sand. I then hid my mobile phones in my short pants in a way that they won't get damaged.

I crossed stepped into the bamboo ladder and started going down. Then, at a height I thought I'd still be uncomfortable, I let myself fall backwards. I landed. It was closer than I thought.

Everything is hazy. But I sensed a feeling of being separated from someone. Kind of depressing. I then recall a building and a wall, and a helicopter. Not sure if I was able to ride it.

---------

Dreamsigns:

Hazy
Feeling of Separation
Helicopter
Depression
Wall climbing

Good morning, everybody.

Dream #1

An old version of Judy Garland and an older man were in a hotel room. The hotel room was lit a little dimly, and the light had a slightly orange tinge to it. Garland sat in a nice, big chair, and the old man sat in a similar chair about a meter and a half away.

The old man was apparently interviewing Garland. I kept seeing Garland's face in close up, as if my view were the camera's view. Garland had her hair done in pigtails, kind of like she had it as Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, but a little scraggly and awry. Garland's face was skinny and kind of wrinkled. But overall she carried herself with a lot of dignity.

Garland started saying that she needed or that she wanted to do a couple of things. The old man interrupted the interview either to get something for Garland or to let her do whatever she needed to do.

It struck me that the old man acted kind of effeminate, but also kind of classy. He was obviously Garland's friend, but her kind of acted like her servant as well. He might have taken the task of being Garland's friend a little too seriously.

Dream #2

Some kind of documentary. There were a lot of shots at night of groups of decent-looking, transvestites. They were all kind of skinny and dressed in evening wear. Some even wore tiaras. They were all kind of acting rowdy, like rebels or like punks.

The documentary explained that these transvestites had joined together into a rock band as part of some plan to invade the rock world. They got into some big rock event, possibly a punk rock event, that had been full of kind of conventional acts, and they caused some sort of a scene.

But apparently, over time, the transvestite rock band got really famous. There were scenes, all night scenes, again, of girls chasing the rock band's cars around.

There was one particular guy in the group that was very popular. But he was also really depressive. There was one scene of him, probably in a dressing room, when he was all done up like a woman. He looked nice enough, but he was just so terribly depressed that it was messing up his act.

In another scene, the guy was out in a car at night, in the backseat with another person, being driven along some huge driveway in front of a large building like a mansion or a museum or a state building. The guy was only halfway done up like a girl. His hair was only halfway set in some kind of 80s style, so it looked like he'd just woken up. His face had make-up on, but his face still looked, not just masculine, but completely exhausted.

As he was being driven away, there was a pack of girls chasing the car, trying to get into the car. The guy just kept screaming, "Leave me alone! Can't you leave me alone?"

At some point there was a really aggressive girl who kept pounding on the window. It seemed less like she was infatuated with the guy and more like she actually wanted to hurt him, or at least intimidate him, let him know she hated him.

Dream #3

I was in some busy part of town, with a lot of people on the sidewalk. A lot of the stores seemed to be open to the street, like booths, but they were the size of regular small shops.

I walked past one shop which was a tattoo parlor. There were two guys or two girls who looked kind of like guys working there. They wore black jeans and black t-shirts, and their arms were covered in tattoos.

I thought out what I would tell my friend H, who loves tattoos. I would tell her, "See? There's a tattoo shop with pretty interesting people right here. And you never even looked for it. You were too afraid. But look! It's even right next to the Japanese restaurant you like to go to!"

I passed the Japanese restaurant that H and I have gone to a couple times.

You Are Loved
I am in a strange place with MoSh and a woman I do not recognize, but MoSh indicates the woman is Sam. She has long dark hair and looks oriental, a pretty face, but she looks so sad… When she forces a smile I can see that the smile does not reach her eyes. I use a healing spell on her, the song "Don't Give Up" by Josh Groban. "Don't give up, it's just the weight of the worlds, when your heart's heavy I will lift it for you…" I notice she seems to be staring off into space, looking at something perhaps only she can see, or maybe at nothing at all. "Don't give up, because you want to be heard, if silence keeps you I will break it for you." She tells me to not bother, there is nothing to be done for her, she and MoSh get into an argument about whether or not there is anything she can do to improve her situation. I keep up with the song. "Everyone wants to be understood, well I can hear you, everyone wants to be loved, don't give up, you are loved." Sam turns towards me and yells that she is not loved, there will be no love for her. She and MoSh end up arguing more, I continue with the song. "Don't give up, if you're lost inside I will come to find you…" More arguing… is the song having any effect at all? "Don't give up, if darkness blinds you I will shine to guide you… don't give up, you are loved." It is pretty clear MoSh is getting very sick and tired of arguing about this when it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. He disappears, he wakes up. Sam stands there looking at the place where he was, then she drops to her knees right there and cries, then disappears. I wonder if my healing song did anything at all, no way for me to know.

Nightmare Mountain
I am in an amusement park that is similar to Disney Land but not exactly, I can tell right away that it isn't Disney Land. For one thing there seems to be real magic being used by the people in the park. Disney Land may be called the magic kingdom, but there is no real magic there… here there is real magic. That is awesome. I am with some other people there. MoSh is one of those people, he looks like he is still a bit upset from some previous incident. I have the idea I should remember what has upset him, but I don't. I briefly wonder if it is something I did… Asuka is there with him, she is snuggled up next to him, she seems to be trying to comfort him. I try to not pay any attention to that, it is reminding me that I am on my own. I quickly get distracted from negative thoughts by the rides and excitement going on around us. I see a sign for a roller coaster called Nightmare Mountain. I look at the sign a bit closer, there is the usual message of not going on it if you are pregnant or have a heart condition, blah, blah, blah. The next line says to make sure and keep all wands put away, it said there are some startling moments and they don't want random spells flying around because some idiot got scared. We all get onto the roller coaster. It is a very exciting ride. A lot of tall hills, twists, turns, through tunnels, dark caves, along narrow ledges. The interior of the mountain is like a volcano, lava flowing down below. Near the end of the ride there are three loops, one right after the other. We all get out of the roller coaster and move away, I want to go on it again, but MoSh and Asuka are heading to get snacks. I follow them to the snack bar where they purchase ice cream and I get a couple of hotdogs. There goes my diet! But the hotdogs are delicious! I eat the both of them while thinking about what other rides to try.

This the first dream I decided to record, a weird one indeed.;)

I was in school near to water fountain, after I drank water I saw one of my friends had pistol. He offered to give it to me and I gladly accepted. I went to bathroom and hid the gun in my clothes and went out. Somehow I knew that two people that I didn't know are coming to school. I was walking to the front gate.

I don't know what caused this but I suddenly felt hate against those two people and wanted to kill them! So I became trigger happy, took out the gun and shoot a student in head and another one in leg.:D Stranglely, there was no blood at all and more strangely, no one screamed! Then I ran to front gate to meet those people. I saw one of them get out of car.

I went back in school and when that guy was halfway in, I pulled out my gun and emptied the clip on him. But somehow he didn't catch even a single bullet and ran out of school, got in the car and drove away! I suddenly realises what I've done!!! I felt terrible fear and depression!!! I knew that I fucked up my whole life and when the cops get here I'll be in jail.

I decided to commit suicide but my gun was empty. So I thought maybe I could jump down from rooftop. I went out of school and searched for a building which I can get on top of. I found and old one. This part of dream was a bit disorted and stupid because I couldn't run fast enought and jump to grab the edge.:lol: One moment I was on street the other moment on top of that building.:shock: Until I found out that the height isn't high enough to effectively kill me.

So I decided to jump from school's rooftop. I needed the keys for it. So I went back in and got the keys by threatening the person who had them. School interior wasn't how it was supposed to be.:roll: I went upstairs and noticed other students follow me up. So I threatened to kill them if they don't go back down. Among them, I saw one of my friends that I like. On my way up I saw the headmaster in his room drinking something in one of the glasses that I have in home.:eek:

I unlocked the door and got to rooftop. I wasn't thinking about jumping down, I don't know why. I saw the guy that gave me the pistol beside me and saw the headmaster on the other side of the rooftop saying I should go see him ASAP before the situation gets worse! I told the guy I'm not gonna tell that I've got the gun from him. I lied.:D

Then I was in headmasters room talking to him!:? I told him where I've got the gun from and told him it wouldn't have happened if I didn't.:( I looked at my gun, it looked like as if it was made of paper and cloth.:lol: The headmaster told me that I'm totally fucked!!! So I cried to death and woke up.:panic:

Dream Signs:

1. After I killed a student and injured another one, no one behaved as the should.
2. I couldn't run or jump, teleportation.
3. My guns seemed like as if it was made of cloth and paper. (The most obvious one)
4. Headmaster was drinking in a glass that's mine.

This dream seemed pretty logical and real I'm surprised!

Reallity Checks:

Unfotunately, even after I noticed these strange things I forgot to reallity check. Because of that, I didn't become lucid.

I am at a campsite near a lake. I am poor and have few posssessions and I think I either live there or am staying their until I move on to a new place because I am essentially homeless. The roads and campsite grounds are mostly gravel, with tress scattered here and there.

I keep to myself and mostly stay on my site but for some reason a group of three adolescent boys start throwing small rocks at me. I ask them to stop but it only provokes them and soon their are five boys throwing handfulls of gravel and rocks at me. People on surrounding campsites do nothing to help and only stare. My tent offers little shelter and it collapses. I suddenly remember that I have an archer's bow and I go and get it. The bow I find looks like it was constructed of plastic and duct tape and I only have three arrows. I try to fire an arrow at the boys as a warning shot, but it turns out my bow IS made of platic and duct tape and it falls apart.

A vagrant old man suddenly appears and hands me a dart gun and some darts, telling me that this will be much better. Suddenly something happens (but I can't remember what) and the boys throwing the rocks suddenly stop and run away. I have not fired the dart gun so I don't know what scared them off. I am exausted and sore but my tent has been destroyed and the only possesion I have left is a blanket, a sleeping bag and a pillow.

I leave the campsite to find a slab of concrete near a building to sleep on, but other vagrants have picked spots around the building and space is scared. I don't know what the building is or used to be and the windows and doors have been boarded up. There is a road that either leads deeper into or exits the campsite and it runs right only where all the vagrants are trying to hunker down for the night. Many people shout unkind things or throw garbage at us and it is near impossible to sleep. I become so frustrated I go for a walk and when I come back a blond haird man has stolen my spot and is sleeping in my blankets.

Suddenly I cannot cross the road because it is a deep chasm filled with a raging river and I feel depressed and tired and want to throw myself in.

I was in a bedroom with my ex boyfriend, James, and we were both sitting on his bed and talking just like we used to before I found out that he didn't really care about me at all… Well, at this point we were both sitting on his bed and talking about a bunch of random stuff, about video games, movies, music, etc. We both had iPods there with us, they had been set aside since it was hard to talk to each other while listening to music. I noticed absently that James was playing with my earphones, just fiddling with them, but I didn't really care about that as long as he wasn't damaging anything. I was looking through a strategy guide for some video game, then when I looked back at James I saw he had a knife and was cutting at my earphone cord. WTF? I told him to stop that, and he did, but there was already an area of the wire left exposed, possibly damaged. I got mad at him, he said to fix it with electrical tape, I said it wouldn't help if he had damaged the wire… I tested it on the iPod, and the sound was compromised… I said I would have to buy a new pair now, and those aren't cheap. He didn't seem to have much of a response to that, when I repeated myself, he said the store down the road sells them. I knew he had a spare pair of earphones, and it was pissing me off that he hadn't offered that to me to make up for damaging my pair. For some reason, instead of coming out and saying that, I bitched more until he finally offered them.

I took his spare pair of earphones and I was leaving, I had to go home. Now he was the one bitching at me, complaining about not having his spare pair of earphones and why should I get his earphones instead of just buying new ones for myself. He was pissing me off, I said those things aren't cheap, and he had deliberately destroyed mine, so he owed me the replacement pair. If he was that set on having a backup pair, he should go to the store and buy them. The argument escalated, and changed topics several times, moving on to money problems and then on to him bitching that I don't have sex with him enough and then on to my not liking his way of trying to initiate sex by saying, "Let's fuck," when he wanted to go… I got more and more pissed, and I finally drove away, really upset and pissed off.

I was now driving down the street, driving rather recklessly, and muttering expletives about James, from what he had said I could tell perfectly well he didn't really care about me at all, much less love me. What a crock of shit! I didn't really feel like going home now, so I drove until I came to the store James had indicated had the earphones in it, and even though I didn't need to buy earphones, I went into the parking lot and parked. They also had a lot of other cool electronics, and I needed to calm myself down before I got into a massive wreck. I got out and went into the store, not only did they have their usual stock, they had some special stuff on display, too. Virtual reality gear, and lots of it, every kind of it from gloves to head mounted displays to 3D goggles and glasses… they even had one full virtual reality setup, where the player stood inside a sphere and the computer could scan out their every movement. The person in the system now was wearing an HMD, and other than that she was just going through the movements needed for the game, and the computer was doing the rest. As she walked, the sphere turned like a ball made for a hamster. I really wanted to try that, but there were so many people waiting and watching it… I would never get up there.

I wandered around a bit more and found there were smaller virtual reality setups around, most of them had the form of vehicles that the player sat in. I was heading towards one that looked like a miniature version of Star Tours, thinking maybe I could at least check that one out. I went over to the machine and waited a few minutes for the person currently using it to finish. While I was waiting, my mind went back to James and I got pissed again, and I was also able to spot clear indications that he was cheating… I had no doubt in my mind. So I was just sitting there getting more and more upset.

The machine finally came to a stop, so I got up and waited impatiently for the person to get out… they were taking forever! What was taking so long? I just wanted to kill something since James had been stabbing me in the back… I just wanted to hurt someone… I just wanted… someone to care about me… my anger turned to depression, I felt like I might cry now, which I really didn't want to do where other people could see me. I could do it once I was in the machine… and finally the door opened and a man came out. I was about to get into the machine when I recognized the man, it was MoSh! I felt like I really needed a friend, maybe it wasn't a coincidence that I had met him here… I didn't say anything to him, I just put my arms around him, and though I was ashamed of it, I was crying anyhow. MoSh seemed confused by my behavior, but he finally returned the hug. That's all I remember before I woke.

Note: When I fell asleep this night I was feeling rather crappy, even though I haven't been depressed much recently, I found myself feeling quite depressed last night. I had two main goals, to meet up with MoSh and view a past dream of his and to try to find Blake in a dream. With these things in mind I fell asleep and slipped into a WILD…

I was in the front yard of MoSh's inner world home, which is where I am completely used to being. I still didn't feel very good, I felt like I was all alone even though I logically knew that wasn't true. But logic doesn't often do a lot of good when emotions are involved… I was feeling hesitant to even go into MoSh's place, my feelings of isolation threatening to make me put up a wall to keep everyone away. I knew that would be a bad idea, so I forced myself to go right up to MoSh's front door and knock. The door was answered right away, MoSh was there and he looked happy to see me, which alleviated any remaining feelings that I might not be welcome there. I went inside quickly, MoSh closed the door behind me. MoSh was saying something to me, but I wasn't really hearing what he was saying because even though I felt assured that I was welcome here, I still felt depressed.

"MoSh…" I said, interrupting him, he stopped talking and looked over at me, seeming to notice for the first time that I was upset. He asked what was wrong, I simply replied that I wasn't feeling very well right now, in fact I was feeling quite depressed, and I needed a hug. A small part of me in the back of my mind told me I was a fool to say that, it said MoSh wasn't interested in whether or not I needed a hug, but that part of my mind had no choice but to shut up when MoSh put his arms around me and gave me the hug I had been needing. I hugged MoSh back, and just that made me feel considerably better… MoSh asked what was wrong, he asked if I knew what was causing my depression since he thought I had been doing a lot better lately. I told him I had been doing a lot better, but there will still be occasions where I feel depressed, and it had chosen an unfortunate night to happen. I explained that I had been feeling somewhat depressed yesterday evening, and then it turned out there was no one to talk to… Nomad was too busy with homework to spare even a few minutes, Tigress had chosen to watch movies all day, and there was no one else online... so I had ended up feeling lonely, on top of being depressed…

MoSh gave me another hug, and I was feeling a lot better now… MoSh asked if I felt well enough to go view his past dreams, I said sure I did. I thanked MoSh for listening and for being a good friend, and I was ready to go whenever he was ready. MoSh said he was glad he could help. We went into his living room and sat down on the couch, Data was right there, too. He said he had the first dream pulled up and ready to display. He announced that the dream about to be viewed was dreamt by MoSh on the night of December 2nd, 2009. Apparently I didn't need my laptop to generate a holographic view of past dreams, as the hologram formed around MoSh and me right as Data finished announcing the date of the dream.

I looked around our new surroundings in time to see a portal open, MoSh and Asuka came through it, and then the portal closed behind them. It was night time outside now, and the two of them walked into a cathedral of some kind. The hologram followed MoSh and Asuka into the cathedral, where they walked down a familiar looking hallway and into a music room, where there was some piano music coming from that room, there was a man sitting at the piano playing wonderfully, then he hit a sour note, hit the keyboard, and let out a stream of what I figured must be expletives in a foreign language. He fiddled around with the music in front of him for a bit, then returned to playing beautifully. MoSh took Asuka over to the man, introduced them to each other, introducing the man to Asuka as Johann Sebastian Bach.

Bach got up from the piano and greeted Asuka in a polite manner, he greeted MoSh as he would greet an old friend coming to visit, asking him about some sheet music he had apparently given MoSh on a previous visit. Bach played the piano a bit more, hit another sour note, cursed a bit more, then looked back over at MoSh. He said he was having problems with the end of one of his pieces, no matter what he tried it didn't sound quite right. MoSh looked at the sheet music and played a few notes on his guitar, hit a sour note in the same place Bach had been hitting his sour notes… Bach said that was the same problem he had been having. MoSh played with it a bit longer, and four sour notes later it came out sounding wonderful. Bach was thrilled. He said that was it! The song was complete.

Asuka had wandered off a bit, she was looking at the various architecture of the cathedral and seeming to like what she saw even though a lot of it was quite old and dusty… When she heard MoSh and Bach sounding happy she returned to them and asked if they had figured out the problem. They said they had, and MoSh said he wanted to play for Asuka, he wanted to jam with Bach. Bach agreed to that, and they started playing a song I didn't recognize, although there are very few songs by Bach that I would recognize… But recognize it or not, I could not deny the fact it sounded totally awesome. It occurred to me that it would be awesome if I could reproduce this on my electronic keyboard, and then since I know I am not very skilled, maybe MoSh could listen to the song and play it on his electric guitar, which would certainly sound much better than anything I can do. Since I had that idea, I focused on listening to the music, on hearing each and every note they were playing, and while I found the music immensely enjoyable, I had doubts in my ability to even vaguely reproduce it IWL.

After that song was done, Asuka had clearly enjoyed the music, she was clapping and threw a couple of flowers towards MoSh and Bach, then she looked like she got an idea. She went over to Bach, motioned to the piano, and asked if he minded if she tried something. He told her to go ahead. She played a few notes that sounded ethereal, and a flower bloomed to the right of the piano's front right leg… right out of the floor! Bach stared at that in amazement, MoSh didn't seem to find it that odd, but as Asuka kept playing, more of the flowers grew. Bach wanted to know how she did that, she spoke with Bach for a time about the energy of music and getting specific energy frequencies with the right combination of notes, which Bach clearly understood if only by instinct because his compositions had a powerful energy to them… So after a bit more of that, Bach and MoSh played another song, and more flowers sprouted from the floor, making the dingy room seem a lot brighter. Bach thought that was really something, and set to writing more of this music down to paper. MoSh looked at one of the pieces Bach had lying on a table, Bach said he could borrow it if it interested him, one musician to another… MoSh thanked him and picked up the papers, then disappeared. Bach looked surprised, but then realized MoSh must have woken up, he commented that dreamers can come and go so quickly. Asuka said she hoped he remembered…

I heard Data's voice say he had the next dream prepared, but I was feeling like I might lose the dream. I told Data to let me do a time dilation before we went to the next dream, so the hologram shut down and left MoSh and me in his living room in front of Data. I was focusing on Allura's method of time dilation, I barely noticed when there was a knock… or more like a scratching… at the door and Asuka opened it. I was focusing on compressing more time into less space when I was startled out of my focus by a fox! It was a cute fox! The fox jumped into my arms and seemed to want to be petted, which I did, but I still had to dilate time. I tried to start my time dilation over, but I didn't get it done in time and everything around me faded and I woke.

Now the world is gone, I'm just one...

I wake up in my bed. I am naked, I wonder at the fact that it's already time for me to awaken, since it feels as though I've only just fallen asleep. I'm about to leave my room, but on the way out I lean against the wall near my door, pressing my forehead against it. 'How can I know whether I'm dreaming, or awake? It's all the same... How can I know any of this is even real... Keep sleeping to dream, because I hate my life, hoping I'll come out of it better, with some shred of something I can use, something to inspire, to move, to find an answer, an escape. But sleep just seems to install new bars into this cell. How can I even know I'm not dreaming right now.'

For the fuck of it, I flip the light switch just beneath my head on and off. Nothing happens. I look at the ceiling, the walls. Everything is here. The mask hanging from my door, the books, the silvery rays coming in through the window. I realize I'm not awake, but still asleep. I reflect for a few moments on how detailed and vivid everything is, how 'real' it is, nothing missing. Realizing this doesn't make me happy or excite me, but instead fills me with a feeling of isolation. The walls no longer real, just pictures of walls, the idea that beyond them, isn't a real city, no apartment, no livingroom, no father... Beyond these walls there isn't a home, because these walls aren't real. They're just my memory of them. And what of the real walls? Those don't build a home, either. I'm upset by the lack of comfort, familiarity, of reality, since this 'room' is just a 'ruse'. My malaise deepens as I reflect on how, 'the real thing', isn't actually any better. What was I expecting?

An anatomically correct digital rendering of someone's face, speaking, crying... The 'realness' of it isn't moving, but disturbing, soul-less. It looks so real, it's 'correct', but it isn't. It isn't comforting. It's unnerving, you become suspect of something so... Accurate, but, lifeless. A doll.

I pull on a pair of jeans and start to slide my belt through the loops. I stop partway through fastening the belt, realizing the pointlessness of getting dressed in a world that consists of only me. I think, I don't want to know what's outside of these walls. And I don't have to, I can leave another way. I open the window and remember how I'd been thinking about jumping out of it. Well, now I can. I remember how much I think about punching it until it breaks, when I'm mad. I slide the window as far open as it'll go, but it refuses to open far enough to let me jump out of it, it jams.

So I punch the window. It doesn't give. 'This is MY DREAM, and you BREAK.' I put my fist through it, it shatters, shredding my knuckles open and raking the flesh off my arm as it goes through. My arm is 'reforming' as quickly as it's being torn apart, as I need to thrust several times to knock out all of the leftover shards. Knots of scartissue creep up my arms like ribbons, replacing the gashes. I rip the frame out of the window and toss it behind me.

For a moment I question whether I'm really dreaming, or just having delusions of grandeur before I jump out of a window and kill myself. 'I'm going to fly,' and I close my eyes and rocket out of the window, or so I think. Turns out I actually just jumped REALLY HIGH. I float back down onto a building lined up right beneath my window. Looks like a warehouse. I am alone. I consider making someone to travel alongside me, consider summoning a DC. I start forming one, particles aligning in the air. I delete it before it materializes completely. There's no point. She's hollow. A shell. Like building a robot of a woman. I can't bring myself to do it. I have to just move forward and hope there's something at the end, hope I'll find someone, find somewhere.

The fastest way to the other side of the warehouse is 'through', so I slide the door open and go in. Inside is a 'panic room', the walls made of steel. I hear the door behind me bolt shut. It's silent, just like outside. Nothing, no one, is in here. I shake my head and laugh, egging on my subconscious. 'I can't be kept in here. Is this supposed to make me afraid?' I go to the far wall and sock it. It leaves a huge dent, but no opening. I take my finger and use it as a laser cutter, slicing out portions of the wall until I have a square opening big enough to step through.

It opens up into a roof top. It's a beautiful day. The sun is out. Everything is clean. Deserted. I look down onto the empty streets below. I snap my fingers and people appear. Down below, their cellphones go off, chewing gum, laughing, signing each other, driving, eating, biking, unknowing. I want to believe they're real, that I can save them, have a meaningful interaction with one if I just greet with selective blindness, be the king of ants. But I can't swallow it. I snap my fingers again and they disappear.

I have to keep moving... Find something, anything, other than this horrible quiet, or the alternative- synthetic companionship. I jump from roof top to roof top, on and on for miles... The buildings slowly become more and more decayed, crumbling, wisteria growing through the old concrete and splitting it. I reach the last rooftop. I've reached the 'end'.

It's a white sand beach, with colorful shells scattered about, and then the ocean, all around. This is the land's end, the very end, and there is nothing else. I look around for someone else, some sign of life, evil, good- either, something other than just.... This. I can't stand how beautiful it is, the perfect waves, the flawless sand and sun, but my heart drained of all enthusiasm. The 'perfect day', unthinking, fills me with agony and isolation. I drop to my knees and thrust my hands out in frustration, reel back and start to scream at the sky. I want to eject this pain, vomit all of it out, be capable of feeling something besides 'empty', 'broken'.

My scream starts out as a human scream, faintly echoing back to me through the hollow corridors of the buildings behind me. I keep screaming, and the scream grows into an otherworldly roar, screeching into the perfect blue. The scream develops earthquakes, the sea shoots up around me in spikes of black water, jutting into the sky, which grows dark, and the wind begins to howl. The clouds and the waves, claw at each other, meeting in the air. Lightning snaps all around, dead sea creatures rise, cooked, to the surface. Cyclones form, hurling debris around me. The tide creeps up and fills all of the sea caves, swallows the buildings, swelling higher and higher, engulfing the land, then, crushing it in a fist of water and black ice. The sky has opened up into the sea, reaching into it, an enormous gaping maw.

I get a view of myself from within the mouth of the sky. A tight cylinder around my body upward, is the only space that is dry, a beacon of sand and light in the havoc. I'm on my knees, still screaming, long hair coiling and snapping like snakes around my head. The rest of me is frozen, fingers curled in agony and frustration, as the scream just rolls on and on out of my body. I'm trying to eject everything, purge it, but it just keeps going. I keep screaming hard and harder, waiting to 'run out' of pain, run out of the need to scream, but the pain doesn't go away. I'm trying to 'let out' something that's endless. The world is destroyed, but the pain goes on, never emptying. The cup continues to fountain and overflow.

This is pointless. I stop. The sky reforms, the tide sucks back into the sea, the sand dries, the buildings reappear, the sun peers back through the clouds. There isn't any trace of what just happened, anywhere in sight. No sight of the pain. It's hidden again. Perfect again. Quiet. It feels the same. I lay on my back in the sand, motionless, wishing my life, my dream, would make up its mind. Please start, or just be over with. This isn't living, and this isn't dreaming. It's over. It fades to black.