non-lucid

Date of Dream: SAT 5 AUG - 2017



Dream No. 170 - Booming On YouTube

I don't remember what happened at the start of the dream. I was shopping with my mum and there were heaps of lolly shops around the place. I wanted to get some but mum wasn't too keen on the idea. Back at home, I end up checking my YouTube channel and I see that there are multiple copies of the videos that I uploaded. I listened to some of the videos of me singing songs that I have never heard of in real life. I don't remember anything else about this dream.

Date of Dream: FRI 4 AUG - 2017



Dream No. 169 - Separated Sections

Dream 169 A - Nature's Guide
I don't remember all of the events in this dream. From where I do remember, there were a lot of walking tracks within local suburbs. At certain points, I'd feel like calling for Dreamy WB. There wouldn't necessarily be a response from her but at times, I would feel that there was some sort of energy relaxing me and making me feel at ease while I walked. I got to this strange looking jumping castle where people were supposed to do a wall climb. I don't remember anything else about this dream.

Dream 169 - The New Crash
This dream was based around the suburbs surrounding Brandon Park Shopping Centre. Logan from SML was driving me around to the places that I needed to go to. First, I told him that we needed to go to the snow area to “catch them in time”. I thought that the snow area would represent the Crash 2 level, “Bear It”. I didn't end up getting out of the car though. Logan ended up driving me to the other side of Brandon Park and that's when I actually got out of the car.

The level I arrived at was Turtle Woods. Now Crash wasn't anywhere in this dream... Rather, it was actually me inside the level. Eventually, I qualified for the death route which was a series of horizontal pillars and platforms above the main path and instead, had a night time appearance. I only made it across a few platforms but then slipped and ended up back in Turtle Woods. I don't remember what happened next in the dream.



Dream Trophies Achieved:
- The Returning Fan (Have 2 interactions with anyone from SML)
>> When I was asking Chilly about a gift for Logan (139 B)
>> Getting Logan do drive me around to the levels I needed to access (169 B).
- Enthusiastic (Have conversations with 5 DCs)
>> 1. Spoke with NN's mum regarding the pencil (131 A).
>> 2. Told EL, NBr and WB about Dreamy WB (142 B).
>> 3. Tried to talk James out of taking drugs and committing suicide (147).
>> 4. Discussing arrangements with the dog-napper (157 B).
>> 5. Had a conversation with Logan while he was driving me around (169 B).

Date of Dream: THU 3 AUG - 2017



Dream No. 168 - Separated Sections

Dream 168 A - Crash Bandicoot Warped
A version of Crash Bandicoot 3 was simulated into real life. I don't remember the exact events in the dream. I do remember though that the dream focused on Coco more rather than Crash.

Dream 168 B - Company Accounting Mix Up
I enter the classroom for company accounting but it doesn't look right. The room was huge and there was something like 30+ students in there. There were a mix of students both from Killester and Chisholm. As I walked in, I remember seeing JC and MZ who are not in Chisholm Diploma in real life. I then saw the familiar girls; ACR, FT and NJ. I ended up sitting next to NN whom I noticed had his hair cut extremely short, almost bald. I noticed too that WB was sitting behind me, eating something from a takeaway shop.

The teacher then came into the classroom and it wasn't who I expected. Apparently her name was Michelle White. She then says that we are 1 out of 3 company accounting classes. The other teachers were Alan Peters and KW. Only KW teaches at the TAFE in real life. That's all I can remember about this dream.



Dream Trophies Achieved:
- None

Date of Dream: WED 2 AUG - 2017



Dream No. 167 - Separated Sections

Dream 167 A - Budgeting For Graffiti
I found myself in this random shopping centre, looking through the window of some jewelry store. I then realised that I had this “budgeting test” to revise for. So I went over to the side without a window, facing out to the mall, and started writing on there with white chalk. The maths in the dream was actually logical as well. I remember writing “$2 x 6 kg = 12” and “$4 x 4 kg = 16”. It was a few times of writing it and then rubbing it off and then writing it that I realised I was doing a crime.

I was graffiting on the shop wall! I thought the shop owner was going to come after me sooner or later and so I had to get out of there and seek help. I paced through the mall, looking in every direction, while calling for Dreamy WB. The two times I called, there was no response. The third time I called, looking up the escalators, I used her alternate name, shouting “Miss T!”. Then while walking back from the escalators, I whisper to myself, “Dreamy WB...” to affirm the fact that I need her help.

Then my friend LA appears as a hologram and she says to me, “she's back that way”, as she points towards the direction of the jewelry store. I walk over into the hairdressers and there's where I see Dreamy WB, casually standing at the back of the salon. We end up hugging each other really hard for a long amount of time and then as she takes me out of the salon and back towards the jewelry store, the dream ends.

Dream 167 B - One Pair Only
I was having my 19th birthday party a month before my actual birthday in real life. It was a huge gathering of family and friends and lots of things to make a good party. One of the mums brought me pairs of shoes as a gift, two of them to be exact. One pair were flat red shoes and the other pair were high and pointy red shoes. My mum came up to me and said that I could only keep the flat pair. I don't remember anything else about this dream.

Dream 167 C - Back To Canberra
The class of 2017 were back in year 11 and were due for their Canberra camp. I decided that I wanted to go and visit them. I forgot what happened in the first few scenes of the dream. I then remember that I was skipping and gliding along this footpath beside a main road and the area I entered into looked like the front of Chisholm Institute in Dandenong. When I was on the premises though, the place looked nothing like Chisholm.

I was led to some long, outdoor subway which was like a hub to get to all these other places. The places were crowded and there were lots of fast food restaurants on this platform. Somehow, I got tangled up and disorientated in this crowd of boys but soon got out of it. I assess my surroundings and figured that one of the platform exits led to the Canberra camp site. I ended up having second thoughts on going because I just remembered that WB's cabin was right next to Ms L's. The dream then ended.

Dream 167 D - Filming Time
I don't remember what video the SML crew were making. I can remembered though that the only ones who claimed to be doing any work were Logan and JJ. They had accused Chilly, Tito and Pablo of doing nothing and just standing around. That's all I can remember about this dream.




Dream Trophies Achieved:
- Recuperating (Receive 3 hugs from Dreamy WB)
>> 1. Tight hug at swimming carnival resembled quality of Dreamy WB (136 A).
>> 2. She hugged me while taking me away from the hissing kitten (164 A).
>> 3. Gave me a big hug when I found her in the hairdressers (167 A).
- The T-Ol-Essa (Call Dreamy WB by her alternate name)
>> The third time I called her for help. I said "Miss T" instead of "Dreamy WB".

Date of Dream: TUE 1 AUG - 2017



Dream No. 166 - Separated Sections

Dream 166 A - Denial To Kryal Castle
My family was planning to go to Kryal Castle but another plan got in the way and I was disappointed. I ended up going to the shops with my mum and my brother, NN and RK also came with us. At the registers, my mum needed help taking bags back to the car. She said that NN and RK could to the car but my brother me and had to stay behind. I complained to my mum, going “Why can't NN and NB stay back?”. It actually ended up being that way. RK and I went back to the car and when we were in the car park, I could see Kryal Castle in the distance. I don't remember what else happened in this dream.

Dream 166 B - Return Of The Dog
This dream took place in my backyard. I was in the upper part, near the door to underneath the house, when I saw the dog running and scurrying up the path from the door to the garage that was open. The dog had a grey aura to her which I subconsciously knew was a sign that she was a deceased entity. When she got to me, she just sat in front of me and wagged her tail with her tongue constantly going in and out. I thought to myself “Why are you here? You're dead right...?”. This actually affirmed that I was dreaming but I was nowhere near becoming lucid.

What the affirmation did though was give me the prompt to start calling for Dreamy WB. I kept calling and calling, I eventually ran to the fence of the Greek neighbour's house and called her but there was no response. I still called as I went back to the upper part of the house but I suddenly stopped at a horrific sight. Ms L just sprouted out of the soil in the veggie patch as quick as a beanstalk! What was even more terrifying is that the dream made her have these really piercing, glowing eyes, which forced me to wake up in fright.

I was now perceived to be awake in my bedroom, still with my heart pulsing from the veggie patch sight. Here I was, then ready to start my TAFE day but there was one problem... Why was the clock saying 11:44? That means that I would have been 2 hours and 44 minutes late for classes, and potentially even 3 by the time I got there. I had the alarm clock set for 7:30 in real life. I then woke up and confirmed that I had truly exited the dream as the clock now said 7:11.



Dream Trophies Achieved:
- None

Date of Dream: MON 31 JUL - 2017



Dream No. 165 - The N. Sane Hidden Levels

At first, the dream was very much like the Crash Bandicoot 2 game in real life, with the graphics of the N Sane Trilogy, the way it would be normally laid out. It was as the the dream progressed that the layout of Crash 2 would be come completely different. The game was claiming that I was in the 5th warp room but then it looked like the 1st one to me. Usually, there are 5 levels in each warp room but as I went to one end of the warp room, more levels started appearing and the portals were everywhere.

Apparently there were 3 additional hidden levels in warp room 5. For a fact, it wasn't Crash doing the levels... It was actually me! I do remember the first hidden level I went in which was to push the magnetic ball to the end of the track, which was all sloping downhill. I don't really remember the second hidden level but the third hidden level was the harder alternate of the first hidden level. Once I had completed all the hidden levels in warp room 5, I went to see my brother who was doing his own thing on the computer. He had told me that there were hidden levels in other warp rooms as well, such as only 1 hidden level in warp room 1. I don't remember what else happened in the dream.



Dream Trophies Achieved:
- None

Date of Dream: SUN 30 JUL - 2017



Dream No. 164 - Separated Sections

Dream 164 A - Fear Of The Furry
I was back at Killester for school and there was a mixture of Killester girls and Chisholm girls in the class. I had one of the TAFE teachers for English. I then had Mrs TB for financial maths but the dream was always making me come 10 minutes late to class, no matter what I did. At one point, I never came back to class. I was then at my house, having piano lessons with my high school tutor PH. There was some weird homework that he had set for me but I forgot what it was.

I had left home to go to this random milk bar and when I came back out, I saw FT on the streets. She told me she had some meeting to attend with the members of the St. Kilda Football Club. I followed FT up the hill and discovered that the members were in my driveway. I got so excited and told FT that this was my house. Then I left her in the driveway and proceeded into the garage myself.

In the garage, I saw a grey kitten walking around and it would occasionally hiss at me, which would make me scared. I kept calling for Dreamy WB but there was no answer. The kitten would keep hissing and I got more and more scared. I eventually centred myself and came up with the new technique for summoning Dreamy WB. I spoke to myself, saying that she was going to be behind grandma's car. I then walked to the far side of grandma's car and indeed she was there, leaning on the driver's window. I remember she was wearing a white t-shirt with a black cardi and black trackies, with her glasses on.

So I went up to her and showed her how much I was freaked out. She then got up and put an arm around me, slowly walking towards the other side of the garage while holding me in a full on hugging position. The grey kitten was still menacingly hissing but then there was a black kitten and a brown kitten who were minding their own business and being all cute. Every time Dreamy WB would loosen and then tighten her grip on me, there was this “counter” that would increase. Once I was in the house and on the stairs, the counter was at 9 and then went to 10. Before we got to the top of the stairs, I woke up.

Dream 164 B - Elements Vs Economics
One of the TAFE teachers had given us an assignment for our economics class, except he's not our economics teacher in real life but rather the real life teacher for company accounting. For this case study, I wrote down and drew the symbol for what element suited each scenario. Some I remember were ice to freeze the money in place and then for another scenario, fire to stop the thief from getting away with the money. The dream then skipped to me getting the assignment back and there were crosses everywhere. I was really embarrassed with the result but then discovered that the teacher made corrections with red erasable pen, so I rubbed all his corrections out. I don't remember what else happened in this dream.



Dream Trophies Achieved:
- None



EXTRA NOTE - Trophy Adjustment/s
After reassessing some of the dream trophies, I don't think I'd be able to simulate the dream environment required with my current abilities, so I'm making some changes to the dream trophies so they are somewhat achievable, starting from future dreams.

Old:
Snowed In - Use your Ice abilities in 1 dream
A Sprig Of Time - Have Mrs O'N use her Earth abilities in 1 dream
Sparkie - Have EG use her Electric abilities in 1 dream
Burnt To A Crisp - Have LB use her Fire abilities in 1 dream
The Ice Age - Use your ice abilities in 3 dreams
The Hills Are Alive! - Have Mrs O'N use her Earth abilities in 3 dreams
Power Surge - Have EG use her Electric abilities in 3 dreams
Black Friday - Have LB use her Fire abilities in 3 dreams

Modified:
Snowed In - Use your Ice abilities in 1 dream
A Sprig Of Time - Use your Earth abilities in 1 dream
Sparkie - Use your Electric abilities in 1 dream
Burnt To A Crisp - Use your Fire abilities in 1 dream
The Ice Age - Use your ice abilities in 3 dreams
The Hills Are Alive! - Use your Earth abilities in 3 dreams
Power Surge - Use your Electric abilities in 3 dreams
Black Friday - Use your Fire abilities in 3 dreams

Date of Dream: SAT 29 JUL - 2017



Dream No. 163 - Crash Bandicoot Mayhem

I don't remember what happened at the start of the dream. A Crash Bash arena was simulated into a real life appearance. It was Sky Balls but the maximum number of players was six rather than four. Then there was a Polar Push arena which had three players on it being Polar, Crash and Cortex. I had prompted for the characters to be changed into real life graphics because their original cartoon graphics, I thought, didn't seem to match the arena. Polar was barely manipulated with just his fur being fluffier and cute look overall. Then there was Crash who was made to look really stupid and dumb. Cortex was the worst, looking really creepy, looking like someone who had woken up out of their coffin.

The dream then simulated the Crashball arena but not with the black surrounding but rather an environment at day time. The players were in the right space and rather, the six ships were scattered around the middle of the arena. As the first player was about to die, my mum came up and asked me why a ball would blow them up when hit. I explained that the player wasn't directly hit... The ball would program the player's ship to self-destruct on them. Afterwards, my mum followed me as we went away from all the arenas. I scaled this wall that had heaps of platforms on it, which I guessed to be simulation of Crash Twinsanity. I don't remember anything else about this dream.



Dream Trophies Achieved:
- None

Date of Dream: FRI 28 JUL - 2017



Dream No. 162 - Stir Fry Fruit Salad

I don't remember everything that happened in this dream. What I do remember is that I was at some formal event with the class of 2017 Killester girls, happening at some unknown place. Girls that had a particular colour schemed dress were supposed to go together for a photo shoot. I was in this group that were wearing dark blue dresses. The photographer wanted me to stand next to WB but she was complaining and making a fuss. She did eventually stop complaining though and things went on as originally planned. After the photo shoot, the dream turned me into the only one wearing a hot pink dress. I was doing some weird and crazy dance routine and everyone in the blue dresses were looking at me.

I then found myself in this random grocery store where I was finding fruit to make a fruit salad. I remember finding a lot of different fruits, even ones that don't exist in real life but I forgot what they looked like or what they were called. At the end of the dream, there was all this shredded cabbage in a small plate along with diced carrots and sour cream. It turns out that it was vegetable salad mixture. I can't seem to remember anything else about this dream.



Dream Trophies Achieved:
- None

I have recently taken up using the voice recorder for recording dreams, but in preparation for the upcoming dream workshop I will be running I will start using manual entry again. I need to get quick, to the point and sharp in sharing dream content with others, so I can be a leading example for the people I coach.

Now before I start out with writing the dreams of the previous 3 nights, which I have bullet pointed on paper there is a couple of highly significant dream I want to write up. These all pertain to the significance of the Dinosaurs, particulary the T-Rex, in my dreams, as these have heralded some pretty significant developments over the past year. In fact just sitting down listening to some of the files have sent goosebumps through my body at some of the symbolisms and messages contained in these dreams.

The first occurred during the summer of 2016, I was in full swing with writing my thesis and I had seen a blossoming of my use of cannabis, cigarettes and other kinds of addiction. As such I had started working directly with my dreams with regards exploring the reason for my smoking, or addiction in general.

I had noticed that recently a T-Rex had started appearing as a repeating theme in my dreams. Like for instance I saw him in a hotel roof top pool on 01-08-16, where I hid in a pool with a friend trying to avoid being caught – where I speculate that he is connected with investigation of smoking. Or on 08-08-16 I found myself in a dinosaur park, a la Jurassic Park, with a hole in the fence, where the T-Rex was on the inside, but I end up getting caught by a raptor and eaten just outside the park in a broken car, where I was trying to hide out. And such I started setting intentions for my next lucid dream to investigate what this symbol of the T-Rex could represent.

I don't have a record of this lucid dream where I manage to summon the T-Rex, but it occurred within a couple of weeks following the setting of the intention to investigate, before 01-09-2016, when I moved out of the place I was living and back in with my parents.

I recall being awake in the morning, to then go back to sleep with the intention to summon the T-Rex.

“Summoning the T-Rex”

I am sat in our living room. It is forenoon and I am texting M – a primary school class mate, whom I have always maintained a slight crush on. We are talking about a party and I feel I am somewhat intruding, but she end up inviting me around.

Then all of a sudden a text message rolls in from the phone company, which reads something like “We are all one, you no longer need to put in the number or contact of the person you are trying to reach it will happen automatically.” This stumbles me a bit, but I don't think much further of it.

There is a slight skip.

I find myself in a bus headed out from Aarhus towards Hornslet. I speculate on the nature of “oneness” and start feeling my consciousness drift outwards, though not quite becoming one. At one point a bus pass in the opposite direction and a choir of children are singing a song, with the lyrics “we are all one” included.

The bus drives off the high way and I find myself walking on the road below, heading under the bridge with the highway on top.

I am with my old friend Tim and we are walking together. I look up and I see a hawk sitting in mid air, which I find curious as its wings are placed alongside its body. It basically looks like it is sitting on a stick, though there is no stick there to be sat on.

Then it makes a rapid dive and hits the ground beak first right next to me, which startles me quite a lot.

We walk on, towards the bridge, past a couple of bushes on the side of the road that have purple flowers on them. As we walk a couple of smaller birds come flying straight towards my face, so I have to step quickly to the left to avoid being hit.

I start thinking to myself: “This is truly strange behaviour for birds.” and as we approach the bridge finally I see a crow sitting in one of the bushes by the side. I start looking around and I decide to look at my hands.

I become lucid and I spend a few moments stabilising the dream, and when I feel comfortable I start thinking about my goals.

“Ah the T-Rex!” I say out loud and abandon my friend to go look for him. I turn around, away from the bridge in the opposite direction and start screaming out over the fields “T-Rex, Where Are You??” but I don't get a response.

I find myself next to a crash barrier, again screaming out over the fields for the T-Rex. Then I start feeling fear, although I am also aware of it all being only a dream. So I skip back across the road and climb a small elderflower tree.

I shout for the dino to appear again and this time I get a response, though from a group of children behind the bushes of which the tree I have climbed is a part. They say “We tried calling him, he doesn't want to show up.”.

I then try to scream out for him, mimicking his roar. The Children respond in a laughing way “We tried that as well, it won't help.”

I sit for a brief second before the dream starts fading and I “wake up”.

I find myself in my room and walk out towards the living room. Outside I see a lot of plants and it is raining.

“Hang on a minute it wasn't raining when I was awake earlier” I think to myself and realise I am still dreaming.

I turn around and walk back into my room and stare at my computer screen.

I turn around, while still being within the realms of the computer game that was on the screen and look up. I find a long and narrow dirt pathway, surrounded by a fence on the right hand side and bushes on the left.

Up at the entrance – or T-cross – I see the T-Rex come sprinting around from the right hand side. I get anxious and excited as I start running towards him. It seems like the dino knows we only have a limited amount of time to complete the encounter.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN??” I scream at him as we run towards one another. There is no response, and I feel my fear rising as we continue to sprint towards one another. “WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME??” I try instead and just as we are right in front of one another and I am staring into his wide open jaws he transforms.

All of a sudden a ghost appears before me, with the limbs of the dino sprawling out behind the spectre hanging a few metres above the ground.

“Michela!?!?” I exclaim in utter surprise.

I wake up.

Michela represents a previous romantic affiliation gone sour, very sour indeed. Both in terms of the pain I felt when she left, but also because of the stressful situation I was facing with quitting my job. I awoke with a multitude of new angles to investigate my addiction to cigarettes from, which included the shame and loss of pride I felt from loosing her – the shame associated with not being able to attract a woman and keep her faithful, more so than actually loosing her being particularly painful.

A couple of months later I started on a spiritual education and at the time I was still smoking cigarettes. I started a practice of smoking without guilt and I recall arriving at the first module having spent 6 hours without smoking. I felt the physiological cravings, but I didn't feel the desire to smoke, which I found facinating.

I continued to the first module and when we arrived in the first opening sharing circle and were briefed that we would be opening up, diving into intimacy, then it hit me. I was now experiencing full on craving and desire at the same time as I was experiencing fear towards intimacy at the same time as it was the only thing I truly desired. And from this experience I recalled another meaning associated with Michela.

The next dream took place I think in the beginning of April, the first time F and I slept in the same bed, and seeing as we kissed the first time on April 3rd I believe the accurate date is 14-04-17 as this is 2 weeks after the date of our first kiss.

“Dino makes a gesture”

I find myself alone in a small and humble cabin. It is bright morning/forenoon and the sun is shining through the windows. The cabin is located in a large garden that is surrounded by tall walls in a rectangular fashion, with the cabin taking central space.

Suddenly outside I hear/feel the T-Rex approaching, and this time I recognise his presence. There seems to be a telepathic or at least non-verbal acceptance of one another, a kind of respect with a hint of fear, but this time from both parties.

I venture out of the house to see what is going on. There is a clothes line with clothing on it immediately next to the house.

I never actually see the T-Rex, but I find that after he has been circling the house he has left me a circular meditation mat against the clothing line.

End of dream.

I wake up feeling excited. I have just slept next to a woman I am madly in love with and I find that I for the first time actually like sleeping up close to her.

I experience a brief feeling of alarm, but I quickly re-frame the story positively as I tell F about the dream.

Now I acknowledge that interpreting dreams in hindsight is easier than trying to gleam out the prospective material from the time of their occurrence. However this dream theme I believe heralded a powerful spiritual lesson.

The first appearances of the T-Rex motif happened just after a relationship had developed from an intimate/romantic nature to a friendly one. In this relationship I discovered a tendency to become extremely preoccupied with me feeling responsible for the emotional state of the other. This responsibility was coupled with an elevated sense of anxiety for loosing her. However the appearance of Dinosaurs happened before.

A funny thing is that the following entry- which took place pretty much immediately after my fling (Karen) and I had started getting romantic - 08-04-16 Surviving the Ocean Quest in the desert - Dream Journals - Lucid Dreaming - Dream Views Actually occurred simultaneously with my then fling having a reciprocal dream, of being taken to the desert by frightening shadow figures that gave her the mission to gather all the animals for the ship. Now I am aware this synchronisation makes more sense to me on a subjective level – we had been practising trying to dream share, and a lot of themes in the dreams were in line with what was happening in our waking lives – however even if this is disregarded this is the first appearance of the “Dino theme”.

Specifically the purple dinos shooting an assortment of weaponry at my heart – which I at the time interpreted as a symbol of having my heart broken a couple of times in order to finally open up – seems to indeed have been at play, though increasing in complexity and meaning over the past year. Let me illustrate a bit further.

When the T-Rex and the Raptors start making their appearance, as I mentioned the relationship had moved in a friendly direction, which I told her I was OK with, but I was quietly mourning the loss I felt.

During this time as mentioned I had started seeing a rise in my consumption of cigarettes and cannabis. I felt stressed with my thesis and on top of this stress I was overwhelmed by the insights into myself and my shifting perspectives of the world through my world with Ayahuasca, and as such I sought to slow it all down a bit though the use of cigarettes and cannabis.

The Dino dreams appeared in between spouts of regular cannabis use, as I had a somewhat ambivalent relationship to this medicinal plant. On the one hand I was grateful for the visionary aspects and emotional teachings, at the other I was aware that it was stealing my dreams – although this latter aspect was sometimes a welcome aspect when I felt things were moving too quickly.

When I decided to summon the T-Rex I thought it was somehow related to my addictions, and it turned out accurate. However the transformation from T-Rex into my ex-fling added a twist I hadn't seen coming, which was the connection between addiction and love-relational issues.

From the first observation of my feeling responsible for the emotions of a lover, I immediately suspected that I was dealing with a pattern established in early childhood. Due to my parents' difficult relation my mother was always stressed and frequently displayed intense outbursts of anger. I particularly recall an episode – think I might have been 3-4 years old – where my sister and I were sat in our room on the floor and Mother comes down. She gets angry about the mess, picks up a play guitar and throws it across the room hitting my sister in the head, resulting in a hospital visit and a scar on her face. This and other incidents I hypothesise fostered the self-concept that “mother's emotions are dangerous, and I am responsible”.

Following the dream as I mentioned earlier I saw a striking connection between the fear of intimacy and my addictions, and around the same time I had another T-Rex dream, though he played a smaller part in this (as he transformed into a dragon and cleansed an entire island and evolutionary history through a fire bath). This dream heralded the cleansing phase I have gone through roughly the past year of getting acquainted with my relational fears, addressing them and letting go of old self images that no longer serve me.

During November of 2017 I had an Ayahuasca ceremony specifically directed towards examining my addictive behaviours. The themes that emerged were memories of my mother being very harsh on me playing as a boy – that she didn't have the energy required to play with me. As such I was forced to put a lid on my playful energy, which in adolescence transforms into sexual energy, resulting in great shame about my own emotional and sexual nature. Ayahuasca provided a definition of my addiction as “the behaviour that arise as a result of wanting to escape the constant narrative of self-loathing and self-blame”. The self-blame I have already discussed, the self-loathing is partly directed at the feeling that sexual and playful aspects of me are “wrong”.

I would later be presented with my dad's contribution towards the ease with which I accepted the “I am wrong” self-concept, though that will be a different story, though basically it has to do with him (a) raising me through commands; (b) never complimenting me on anything; (c) always questioning whether or not I had performed a certain task; (d) being critical on anything that deviates from the norms he deems liveable.

Let me quickly add that I love and adore both of my parents, who supports me like rocks in their own respective ways. A deep realisation on this spiritual path has been that most of the times our behaviour arise out of conditioned responses we are not to be blamed for. My parents did the best with what they had available, it isn't a question of them not loving me.

In February 2017 I met F. There was a striking explosion of energy running through my body at our first embrace and as I mentioned she is the first woman I have slept next to – we have never had physical sex – that I felt not only comfortable sleeping against, but good.

We started out helping one another with the processes of Ayahuasca, but after about a month it became clear that there was a deeper connection. It turned romantic and sensual, but a series of complications eventually led to this romantic aspect destabilising.

The T-Rex dream where he presents a meditation pillow I hypothesise – according to the Jungian notion that dreams can have a prospective, future development directed meaning – was a way for me to truly observe the nature of my relational problems.

During our romantic affiliation I started feeling insecure, as she was still entangled with her boyfriend. She had stated that she wanted him out of the house and leaving him, as well as not feeling comfortable with his touch and being intimate with him. This in my mind made him an Ex-Boyfriend and I believed that this was the path she wanted to go down, however it quickly changed into something else where it became obvious that he would be spending a significant amount of time with her, sleeping in the same bed as her.

I felt like she was manipulating me, using me to instigate changes in him so he could become a better boyfriend to her. I was confused about her pulling back when our kissing, cuddling and petting got intense resulting in us never having anything but clothes-on-energetic sex (which however was a very powerful and potent experience for both of us I believe).

Following a week at her parents I was headed to the aforementioned education during a weekend, she slept with her boyfriend. There were quasi-valid reasons for her doing so, but I felt betrayed as we had in my mind agreed to a monogamous structure, although I had been open towards a more open constellation. I ended up forgiving her, with a few demands as to how our future relation – and the one she had towards her boyfriend – should look like. Demands initially met, but quickly broken.

This started the hell ride into jealousy, romantic ideation, mistrust and pain. I went into it with full consciousness and journalled about it vigorously. I saw how I didn't have energy to do anything but wait around hopefully for a message, constructing fantasies about her activities when she didn't contact me etc.

The point is not to arrive at a blame game, I have come to realise it takes two to tango and I have been overly focused on my own workings in this process, but this has been a profitable approach – as it is indeed the only thing I can ever change.

What I saw was that F quickly became my entire world. I felt love, and I felt terrified to loose it. She became an object I perceived would be able to fulfil my deepest yearning, to feel loved and appreciated – and I clung to her, constantly trying to get the relationship defined in ways that would guarantee the safety that she would be there to fulfil my needs. I became obsessed with having sex with her, I felt that it would make up for the shameful aspect of her having cheated on me. I saw how I was feeling the familiar feeling of anxiety of her leaving me as this “is the last chance for love” and similarly that she would move onto someone else the minute someone better came around – which would be pretty quick. These last observations illuminate a self-concept totally deprived of feelings of self-worth or feeling of being worthy of love an appreciation by another human being. I saw how I through expending all my energy on worrying about her behaviour, waiting for messages became fatigued and tired and couldn't keep up work on my own projects, which I abandoned.

There is much more information to the story, but I eventually arrived at a point where we had a conversation. In this she informed me of three key things that made me realise I had to quit the contact. She felt guilty towards her (ex)-boyfriend when she was with me, that she didn't really want him to understand that it was over and she couldn't promise she was never going to want to be with him again.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done, I was in so much pain and missed her like crazy. Following this quitting of contact I started working with the last of my addictions – which is sort of a tricky one – which is the tendency to intellectualise situations arriving at a conceptual understanding of things which put me in a positive lighting. Self-centered and also grounded in placing value in the opinions of others.

Gradually as these addictions fell away I was confronted with my underlying anxiety. I never knew myself to be a person experiencing anxiety, but that was what the addictions were for I suppose. I spent a few months experiencing extreme states of panic, which included a fear of dying, a fear of being abandoned at a future dimensional shift, as well as being rejected and abandoned in a romantic sense. It took a lot of breathing and being with the fear and panic and I was incapable of performing even the slightest actions that dealt with finding jobs, new residence or worldly matters in general.

Things got better, I still experience fear and anxiety, but when I do now I don't panic and try to get rid of it, rather I breathe into it and try and understand what it is trying to tell me and it seems a lot of things are shifting within.

I am back in contact with F, I love her, love the contact and am trying to manage my romantic inclinations towards her consciously, which at present involves awareness of how desire towards a particular outcome with her (ending up n a romantic relation) can result in suffering through envy and jealousy.

To come full circle back to the dreaming the present story illustrates the process by which working actively with intention, lucidity and analytical interpretation of certain dream themes that crop up repeatedly can help bring visibility to the sub conscious processes that govern our behaviour. I went through the process alone, yet I feel that had I not been so stubborn and approached someone with knowledge in these areas I could have progressed much quicker, perhaps even saving an intimate relationship in the process.

Morning of August 4, 2017. Friday.



In my dream, I am apparently living in the middle apartment of the east side of the second floor of the King Street boarding house, an impressive mansion that was part of a tour, but not that great on the inside.

Still, it seems that an unfamiliar male has taken residence in this apartment. I am not fully sure of what the situation is, though I do know that I am a vampire. That is, I am a pretend vampire for a time, and I am using some sort of technology to exist as such. The technology is apparently unseen by the “real” world I live in. (It is of a lifelong recurring theme of using invisible technology that exists in another dimension to bring about whatever is to occur in my dream, though which I usually incorrectly see as being my real world.)

I show this male and a couple of his visitors how I have fangs and how I can levitate. There is an unknown male with me, though I eventually assume that he is my friend Eddie. We both seem to be about twenty-five years old. Eddie cannot seem to decide if he looks the most like Christian Slater or Stephen Geoffreys and consequently acts like both in an overacting vampire pretense. He seems amused by our act but eventually does not say much other than agree with my own pretense, which is more serious. We are wearing cloaks and are ready to fly through the night sky of La Crosse.

Time seems to have passed and I am now seemingly on my own, flying in an unknown region, seemingly late at night.

I see the preconscious below, walking along with an unknown friend, an unfamiliar male of about the same age. I decide to fly down and see what is going on.

The preconscious, an unknown male of perhaps thirty or more, seems happy to see me, but he tells me that my flight did not look as if I had been flying regularly. I do not get angry, as I know it is an illusion anyway, though which he does not perceive as such. His friend wants to see my fangs, and I will them to grow out.

He has a gift for me. It is supposedly my favorite food; a bunch of “stone grapes”, from a supposedly very rare plant, which looks like a normal bunch of grapes other than being thorny and more woody and having no discernible grapes on it, only small seed-like features that are very crunchy. I put it up to my mouth and eat the entire bunch, feeling my teeth gnaw through it, but I do not taste anything other than a slight tree-bark flavor. I know that no human being could eat this, but it is apparently a very thoughtful gift and I thank him. Still, I know that this hidden technology of mine (which is phased within another dimension, only operable by me) only makes it look like it has gone past my teeth and into the back of my mouth to swallow. He does not realize this. He does not know that it phases out of existence once it goes past my teeth. There is no way I could have actually eaten anything like this anyway, but I do not want him to be disappointed or disrupt his faith regarding his belief in vampires, or cease to trust me in my vampire guise.

He kisses me lightly on the right temple, in affirmation of a long-term friendship, and I wonder if I am just a creature to show off to a friend of his every now and then, perhaps once or twice every several years. Apparently, being friends with a vampire like me has given him a status of bravery and strength, but I consider if I am seen as just a “pet” to brag about knowing. Still, I hold no anger.

---

12:00am-5:00am August 4th
Current neighborhood and home, for some reason I was running from C at night. I guessed it was because I did something harmful in the house to him, so I ran outside and meant to get help from a neighbor. I saw that the neighbor's car wasn't there so I just ran behind their house. C came out and shouted that I could come back and we'd talk it out, he said he already knew where I was. I felt a bit predictable and less safe, but he seemed to be in a good mood. He asked me what I had intended to do and I responded that I'd get help from the neighbors some how. Oh, I also remember C was limping so I must have kicked him or something but I still can't remember why. Come to think of it, the neighbors light was on so they might have been home but because their car wasn't there I didn't bother. In real life they always leave their lights on anyway.



Dream Notes: I actually have no idea if I ever went to sleep last night or not, but if I did even if for a few minutes then this was the dream result. I actually told myself to stay awake because I wanted to see how it affected my lucid dreaming attempts in afternoon naps. As for the dream, I think it's a jab at my dream habits, because my family in my dream is more harmful than helpful I always end up running to the neighbors for help. Perhaps it's because in real life they are strangers and I'm not sure if they'd help me or not because of that. But they would be more likely to help me because I am apart of the community and I'm young, most of them are older adults with children so they would be willing to help in the sense that they have already know how to be protective for their own children.

Morning of August 4, 2017. Friday.



I am not of my conscious self, though there are a few threads in which I am aware of a few facets of my identity. I am not sure of my implied age; perhaps it is only about twenty. Mostly, I am only aware of my mother. My mother has recently died. However, I think I can talk with her by initiating some sort of will.

The scene is distorted and my memory is askew. My mother is in the baby cot of our present address, though the baby cot unrealistically accommodates her full height. I do not see it as my present address (even though it is) as I have no discernible memory of my conscious self’s present living location. I speak to her, trying to will her eyes to open, on thought alone. It seems to work at times, but is she really okay with this act, or is she angry at me for “waking” her? Holding her eyes open by my mental will alone eventually seems a bit strange.

I go into a room that might be considered to be my room in Cubitis, last seen in 1978, although I have no memory or viable association with Cubits and the room is different anyway. I realize that keeping my mother’s remains in the box from the Barnabas Collins “Dark Shadows” board game is proving to be problematic. I do not even consider that, realistically, my mother would never have fit in this little pretend coffin of cardboard. By way of a false memory, I know that other people are known to keep the bodies of the deceased around their house. It is not unusual; it is a tradition, and yet, a part of my mother’s remains have leaked from the bottom of the box, like acid from an old battery, reminding me of my Kenner Easy-Show movie projector being ruined by leaking batteries so that I could no longer repeatedly watch the same short Thor and Flintstones cartoons on my Cubitis bedroom’s south wall. (My mother had told me to throw out my movie projector, which had been a combined birthday and Christmas gift from my older sister Carol, and to not touch the leaking batteries that had ruined it.)

The gore may be toxic and I am concerned that I had better not eat or touch my face or mouth until I wash my hands, so that no decaying syrupy gore poisons me. I spend a very long time washing and rinsing my hands under the bathtub faucet. The light is bright and I am actually in our present home, though I am not my conscious self and I have no clue to my real life status. I still have to find a place for the Barnabas Collins cardboard container with the plastic lid, which contains my mother’s remains, even though it is just a little box. I have to bury it somewhere. It is in too poor a condition to keep in the open now.

There is some sort of temporary offset dream, where I find myself living on Barolin Street. Two unfamiliar men seem to think that I have taken their truck. They come in through the back way without even knocking. Apparently, the truck was at the front of my house. I certainly did not steal it. I was not even aware of it. These imposers annoy me. They come back a second time as if I had put it back and taken it again. I certainly had not taken it and tell them so. I do not even know what it looks like.

I have to take care of my mother’s remains in the little Barnabas Collins “Dark Shadows” coffin. Her whole body somehow fits in there, with room to spare. She is on her back in this toy coffin from a board game that I had not seen in real life for many years. I decide to bury it inside a set of concrete steps in the Loomis Street backyard, which is also somehow the Cubitis front yard at the same time. The small set of steps does not go anywhere in particular.

For seemingly a long time, as long as it took me to wash my hands, I dig with my hands in the sand. I feel the sand flowing through my fingers. I do not question how a step in a set of concrete steps could be or become sand, but this is where I will bury the toy coffin.

I dig and dig with my hands, and the oblong hole keeps filling back up, not being quite deep enough for burial. Still, I persist with confidence.

The concrete steps have somehow separated, and have transformed into, or have always been, small cardboard boxes of mostly paperback Gothic novels. The area of the ground I had been digging in looks untouched, and it is now normal soil. Will this work out?

---

I had a dream about some kind of A-Team type techno-thriller stuff. I was in a dry grassy field, running with a gun, looking around. This wasn't a short dream, but I only remember that brief part and the overall situation.

Another fragment about half a body on an autopsy table, a woman cut in half. There was a solemn feeling to the scene. It might have tied into the first dream.

I like the adventure dreams, but I can kind of remember not liking my dreams as much after I started watching too many CSI type crime shows with nasty stuff in them.

It was a big part of why I gave up the lucid dreaming project last year.

2017, 08-02

Someone Else’s Skin

I am in a dark forest at night and there is snow falling lightly. I am on a horse, and there are two men there with me also on horses. One of them is young but seems to be the leader. We are all dressed in all black. The other two are arguing about whether some people we are after called Wildings are in fact dead. Did the cold kill them? Garrett says cold can kill, and shows that he lost both ears to the cold at some point. I gather that the one man who looks like a leader is Sir Waymar Royce and the other man is Garrett. They call me Will… so I’m a man? Garrett tells Sir Royce that he believes the Wildings are dead because I said so. Sir Royce wants to see the Wilding camp I found, so we head off.

Sir Royce is riding a big horse, really too big for the terrain, and Garrett and I are on smaller horses. We get to the base of a ridge and then go on foot, leaving Garrett with the horses. At the top of the ridge we look down into the Wilding camp. There are no bodies, but their gear was left behind. Sir Royce sees this as an “I told you so!” moment, and I ask why they would have left their weapons behind. Sir Royce wants me to climb a tree to see if I can spot the Wildings so I do. I see no Wildings but I see strange specters approaching. I look down and see Sir Royce is engaging one in battle. He gets wounded and several specters surround him to finish him off. I call out to distract them and jump down among them. I pull out a sword and use the song Battery by Metallica to charge it with light energy since these look like demon specters. I cut down the one Sir Royce was fighting and turn to face the others as the first lets out an unearthly shriek. I take down a second and then a third, their shrieks echoing in the night… and then everything fades to black.

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After the darkness clears I am somewhere else. Now its daylight and I am on a small horse or pony, going through a medieval town with some other people. I feel I am a young boy now… We go to a town square where a man is being executed. I see the man has no ears, and that triggers a memory of Garrett in the dark forest, that’s Garrett! A man is pronouncing Garrett has been sentenced to death. I start to say something but a boy near me stops me. I say I know the man being executed, the boy says there’s no way I could know that man… he’s an oath breaker from the wall. I look back and see the man take a large sword and cut off Garrett’s head. One man there seems to find it funny. We leave on horseback heading for a castle. The man who did the execution (I find myself thinking he is my father) is explaining that the person who hands down a death sentence should be the one to carry it out.

Two of the boys had gone ahead to race back to the castle but we catch up. One of them (my brother Robb) is holding something squirming. There is a HUGE wolf lying dead. Robb is holding a cub! It’s adorable! I want to pet it. The other boy (half brother John) hands me a cub and I cuddle it. After arguing for a bit it is decided we (me and my two brothers and two sisters) will keep the cubs and raise them as our own. The boy who laughed at the execution seems disappointed that we aren’t going to kill the cubs. I give him a dirty look and ask what kind of person would want to kill innocent cubs? We head back towards the castle. John stops as we move away from the wolf and finds one more cub that he keeps. I am thinking I should have said something about knowing Garrett, but there’s no point to it now. Everything fades…

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After the darkness clears this time it is night again and I am in a forest of some kind. Now I feel like I am a grown woman. There is a man sitting near a creepy tree with a creepier face carved in the trunk, I have the thought that man is my husband. I approach him and say the name that comes to mind… “Ned?” I almost add “Flanders” after that but I stop myself. Ned asks about our children and I tell him they are inside trying to choose names for the wolf cubs… but wasn’t one of those wolf cubs mine? No… that was a different dream, where I was a young boy… and that seems really weird to be thinking. I have bad news for my husband… a letter. I take it from a pocket and hand it to him. He reads it and then looks grief stricken. His old friend John (not my brother / son) had died, and he is taking that hard. I hug him to try to help him feel better. He keeps reading and finds another old friend named Robert who is coming for a visit. That cheers him up some. He starts talking about all there is to do to prepare for a visit from the king and a whole lot of people. Then everything fades again and I wake up.