side notes

2018-12-08 The following is a description of a very powerful visionary experience during holotropic breath-work.

One sentence title: Travelling as pure child of light from the centre of creation, the beginning of time, over North American bull riding shaman to see what we are saving, culminating in seeing myself as Lucifer, then taking his place so he can go to heaven, falling to earth discarding demonic baggage.

The entry will be written in Danish as I intend to explore it further in therapy.

Jeg starter med at lægge mig godt til rette, jeg ser frem til den her session og er ikke bange, men mærker at jeg næsten bliver høj, måske på grund af den lidt intense dans jeg har givet mig I kast med forinden.

Det første der sker er visuelt. Jeg ser en række tørrede sår hen over min skallede isse, som jeg piller I en smule og som opstår simultant med en række bekymringer omkring Mai, hvilket efterfølges af en række tanker omkring den energi jeg bruger på at bekymre mig hende og hendes foretagener (jeg kan ikke huske om jeg her tænker på at flytte eller om jeg beslutter dette I løbet af den næste dags ceremoni hvor jeg ligger alene I køkkenet).

Det næste element er at jeg oplever – uden at det bliver visuelt – at jeg ligesom bliver løftet op og at himlens porte bliver åbnet for mig, uden at der dog kommer noget ud eller jeg kommer ind el.

Det næste er en længerevarende oplevelse af at se og mærke mig selv som et sammenfoldet barn lavet af lys, som rejser igennem et stjerneløst mørke, hvor lys og mørke er ligeligt fordelt og overlappende, som I både altopslugende og totalt gennemtrængende oven I, men også ved siden af hinanden.
Denne rejse ændrer karakter en smule til at den starter fra galaksens centrum, som også er punktet for begyndelsen af tid og jeg ridder på den forreste bølge af stjerner mod Jorden. Her kommer jeg forbi et vista af en slette I nordamaerika og jeg får fornemmelsen af en bison okse, der muligvis riddes af en shaman. Der er en klar besked om at det er det her livet handler om og at det er det vi forsøger at redde. Samtidig oplever jeg en enorm fornemmelse af at jeg er kommet hertil langvejsfra for at rydde op I min families historik.

Her begynder jeg at ryste ret så kraftigt, samtidig med at jeg skriger og græder et klage-skrig jeg ikke har hørt før. Jeg ser et billede af planeten samtidig og oplever at vi deler smerten og at oprydningen handler om det.

Jeg bruger en del tid på at græde snot og skrige på den måde. I løbet af denne meget emotionelle og kropslige process mærker jeg virkelig også min krop ryste og blive varm.

Da jeg på et tidspunkt sætter mig op, eller rettere forceret ved at en guide blidt har lagt en hånd på mit bryst der har skabt en voldsom reaktion, opdager jeg at lænet fårover har jeg enten fået mine vinger klippet af eller de bliver klippet af mens jeg sidder der. Herefter oplever jeg at jeg kan gro nye vinger, men disse enten af phønix eller fugle karakter og sprede dem ud over rummet.

Det sidste, men måske mest intense scenarie er at jeg igen ser det gyldne barn siddende foran mig, men denne gang med sorte vinger. Jeg ved at det er mig selv jeg ser på, jeg ved det er djævlen. Jeg trækker mig en smule tilbage, men tænker jeg skal nok se på det så beder en bøn til Michael og Jesus om beskyttelse og lader visionen udfolde sig. Jeg bliver til Lucifer, men samtidig sker der det at jeg igen ser himlens porte åbne sig foran mig og jeg ser hvordan Lucifer bliver lukket ind, mens jeg falder bagover med sorte vinger på ryggen – jeg har taget hans plads. Da jeg rammer jorden er det som om vingerne eller noget dæmonisk fortsætter med at falde. Nu ser jeg mig igen som det gyldne barn og at jeg hvis jeg fokuserer 100% ind I kroppen ikke blot har hele jorden og kosmos som legeplads, men flere forskellige dimmensioner også.

Her stopper vissionen.

Well I got lucid again. The dream was very vivid, and the feeling of it was very "real", just like I want it. Since I started up my lucid dreamning training agin (abut a month ish ago) I have had about 10 lucid dreams. Which I think is pretty decent, since 4 years ago when I was practicing lucid dreaming, I barely got lucid, and had a hard time stabilizing and controlling the dream. I guess I have come pretty far (compared to then). I feel like I get lucid a decent amount, so it's been easier for me to work with the stuff I wanted to. For an example one of my "lifetime goals" was just to do some physical training in a dream, and experiment with this. I already have been able to fulfill that goal lolz so that's nice. I will def come back to the physical training in dream, when my dream control, stability and lucid frequency (haha the amount I get lucid) gets better. Only a matter of time I guess?
Well this lucid was the random dild I dislike. Normally I don't like these since the induction technique I feel is just like rolling dice. Either you are lucky or you aren't... well tonight I got lucky lol. And it felt good. It actually felt like this technique can have some consistency to it.
Dream: I ant totally remember the dream, since I feel like I used up all my memory on remembering all the details of the lucid part, and trying to deild back into the lucid dream after I woke up... well I def remember I got lucid.
Me and 2 friends from my climbing gym just got of a train, and onto the train station. I don't remember the city we were in. But I remember it definitely was not Scandinavia or Asia lol. We walked over a 2 laned road, and as we were walking a car came speeding by. We started running instead of walking, and barely made it across the road. While taking the last step across the road, I got very aware of everything. It was like everything kinda slowed down, and I had time to think and feel my body and surroundings. (I often do this in waking life to RC. I mean the focus and feeling part). While feeling my body I noticed how I jumped over the curb and gently landed on the soles of my feet on the sidewalk. I could feel the impact on my soles, and it felt "real". I Odis the nose plug RC and damn... i was dreaming! I looked in front of me, and my friend was standing there, all happy since we made it across the road without being run over lol. (I have always had problems with summoning stuff. People, items and surroundings, I have always had trouble controlling). It's always been a goal to summon/say hi to a friends in my dreams. But I have never been able to summon them, or go to a place where they were... so this time, I was aware of my past failings, and wanted to try something new, which I had tried once before in a dream. I asked my friend in the dream, if he knew where my other friend were. He looked around and pointed to a house nearby, and told me my friend was in there. He lead the way. We walked into this old house, and went up a flight of stairs and into a room upstairs. And sure enough my friend was there lol! We talked about training, as we always do lol. And my friends answers were pretty fking profound lol. I got exited about or conversation lol, and woke up!
I didn't move as I woke up, since I wanted to deild back into the dream and continue the dream where it left off. I tried for some time, but I was too exited to fall back asleep.... dang. I def need to hear what these dream characters have to say haha.

Well the way I got lucid wasn't as rng as it used to. Normally something strange happens, or dream characters talk about dreams, before I question my awareness. But this time I questioned my awareness just by myself. This is a step in the right direction I think. And a step towards making dilds more consistent and on MY terms.

Nice! If you can't so the dream control (summoning friends or whatever) just let the dream characters so the work for you lol.

Date of Dream: FRI 7 DEC - 2018



Dream No. 500 - Amateur Gamer Boy

I don’t remember much about this dream. From where I do remember, there was this boy that was at my house and he classified himself a gamer; he was a very young kid. Something happened but I forgot what it was and so I called out for 18-Volt. He did appear in a very weird way, he was not 18-Volt at all but was rather… Some toy house? Additionally, whenever 18-Volt’s presence was with me, the dream would give me the sensation as if it wanted to wake me up. This happened a few times and so eventually, I slowed down the rate at which I requested 18-Volt. That’s all I can remember for this dream.



Dream 500: Results (Competition #9)
Competition Night: 2
Lucid or Non-Lucid?: Non-Lucid
Dream Guide: None
Emergency Team: None
Eligible For Competition Points: Yes



Points For This Entry: 0.5
Calculation Details:
- Non-Lucid Fragment (0.5)

+ Previous Total: 0.5
Total Accumulated Points: 1.0



This is my 500th dream that I've recorded... This deserves something special. Here are some unique drawings that have never been posted before and what's really special... A physical reveal of Dreamy WB!

Pic 1: Dreamy WB & Karla - A variation on the scenery in Dream No. 265

Pic 2: Murray & Karla - How dream 261 A ended, with me asleep with Murray. The lights are on in this pic so we can see the scene better.

Pic 3: 18-Volt & Karla - Inspired by Dream 415 A how 18-Volt was sitting in the armchair and writing all those notes.

Pic 4: Group shot!! Dreamy WB's hand on 18-Volt's back is a reference to how she instructed him in the first couple of weeks of his dream guide service.

Date of Dream: THU 6 DEC - 2018



Dream No. 499 - Distorted Teacher

I don’t remember much about this dream. From where I do remember, I was in my old primary and the environment was really distorted. At one stage, I came across one of the teachers, Mrs N, and she looked very distorted. She mentioned something to me about how the current year 11s are doing what I did when I was year 10. That’s all I can remember about this dream.



Dream Competition #9 (2018) - Housekeeping Details:

Dream Guides (Worth 10 points if lucidly summoned):
1. Dreamy WB/Miss T
2. Murray
3. 18-Volt

Emergency Team (Can act as dream guides but are only 5 points if lucidly summoned):
1. Sly
2. Bentley
3. 9-Volt

Scoring Template...
Competition Night:
Lucid or Non-Lucid:
Dream Guide:
Emergency Team:
Eligible For Competition points:

Points Calculator...
Points For This Entry:
Calculation Details:
Total Accumulated Points:

Dream Measurement Criteria:
Non-Lucid Fragment = 2 or less paragraphs
Full Non-Lucid Dream = 3 or more paragraphs



Competition #9 - Personal Goals
Old - Provide an instance of guidance to 9-Volt
Old - Physically witness Sneaky Gamer yourself
Old - Encounter 18-Volt without any headset or glasses
Old - Have a dream in Diamond City
Old - Discover where Dreamy WB lives; do I live with her?
Old - On lap travel, have Dreamy WB travel faster than a car
New - Have another attempt at elevator exposure practise with 18-Volt
New - Have all 3 dream guide team members in one dream
New - Have Dreamy WB or 18-Volt take you to see your deceased grandfather
New - Start the dream off with a dream guide already present
New - Witness lap travel on 18-Volt's lap



Dream 499: Results (Competition #9)
Competition Night: 1
Lucid or Non-Lucid?: Non-Lucid
Dream Guide: None
Emergency Team: None
Eligible For Competition Points: Yes



Points For This Entry: 0.5
Calculation Details:
- Non-Lucid Fragment (0.5)

+ Previous Total: 0.0
Total Accumulated Points: 0.5

Sooooooo, last night was pretty wild. I'm still popping B6 every day, and meditating a decent amount (maybe once a day). Well, falling asleep I kept lucidity on my mind, and hoped for the random dild... You know I don't like depending on dilds.... I woke up at 12pm, that's 2 hours after I went to bed. And I was decently awake. I felt like I was getting sick. My throat was sore af, and every time I inhaled and exhaled, my throat would bother me. I tried wilding. And honestly I have always struggled with this induction technique.. well tonight was different!!!! As I was falling back asleep, I kept focusing on the slight bother in my throat. I kept breathing calmly and focused on making awareness and focusing on my breath. The bothersome feeling in my throat was suddenly gone. I couldn't move, and it felt like a blanket in the form of sleep itself was slowly put over my entire body. It felt like SP. So I took the opportunity to transition into a dream!! I "forced" myself to sit up in my bed (it felt almost impossible to do). I RCed, and I was in a dream!!!! I got up and walked towards the door to the entrance hall. My dog was laying i front of the door. He got up as I approached the door. As he walked past me I graced my hand through his fur. He felt just like in waking life lol. I went into the entrance hall, the lights were off. I flipped the switch but the lights didn't turn on. I jumped up to the lightbulb and snapped my fingers to make it light up. It didn't lol. I walked into the next room, and found my brother and his family sleeping. They were also sleeping in two other rooms lol. I felt like I was waking up from the dream. I woke up.

Good dream!!! VERY VIVID!!!! the gravity was a bit off , but all in all it was good. But short. Ohh well I wilded!!!!! I'll try to keep this feeling in my memory, so I might be able to do it once again 👍👍


Later that night I had trouble falling back asleep. But eventually I did fall asleep. I had a VERY VIVID dream. The dream content is irrelevant. But the fact that I was semi lucid is not!!! Well... The entire dream I knew I was dreaming. And a dream character also had realised she was dreaming... I even talked to some dream characters about this dream, and that I had been in this dream for at least 20 minutes. But I was never REALLY lucid. It was a weird feeling.... A feeling of lucidity and forgetfullness at the same time.... I woke up...

Productive night!!!! Good to have a wild, but a bit frustrating to only be semi lucid in the other dream.... Let's make it happen tomorrow night

Notes: sooo I haven't gotten lucid for some time now, even though I thought I was coming closer and closer to a more consistent induction technique other than dild..... well tonight I got lucid using dild.... a lucid dream I said a lucid dream I guess lol

Dream: the dream kinda started out in a climbing gym. I had been working (route setting) for the competition that was taking place in the gym. I remember a ton of my friends participating in the competition.
Some time later, I find my self in a car. I was driving towards a town or something. (In real life i often RC while in my car , since I spend a lot of time driving. I often also think about what I would do if the RC would work some time lol). I RCed, since that what I normally do in my car. I didn't think much of the result of the RC. Ohh wait, didn't that RC just work??? I tried again and felt the air going through my nose (I did the nose plug RC). i got lucid!! (In waking life, I often thought that if I got lucid while driving, I would fly through the windshield or crash the car on purpose, just for the lolz) I though about flying, but didn't want to lol. So I parked the car. I actually just pulled the handbrake in the middle of the road hehe. I opened the car door and noticed I had my seatbelt on.i tried phasing through it. But it didn't work, so I just clicked my self out lol. I kept reminding myself that this was a dream, and rced a couple of times. I walked a minute or 2, towards this big house. (In my previous lucid dreams, the gravity has been weird, however in this one it was just as in waking life. Nice). I opened the front door of the house I was walking towards, and saw a big mirror in the entrance. I looked into the mirror to get a glimpse of my own reflection. I was wearing some kind of post apocalyptic clothes. And also I was wearing a fly mask / gas mask thing, and glasses. I couldn't feel all these head accessories on my face, so I just lolled and went into the next room. There were 2 dream characters in there. A woman with blond hair, and a girl with brown skin and hair. I said hi, and they said hi back. I went upstairs. And I woke up.......
I rolled over on my left side, picked up my pen and dream journal and wanted to write down the lucid dream I just had. But I couldn't remember the dream I had had before the lucid dream. Wait.... the dream before my lucid dream, was SOOOOO vivid. I should be able to remember that dream lol... I woke up, rolled over on my left side, picked up my dream journal and wanted to write the lucid dream I just had... WAIT.... didn't I just do this??? Hahahha the FA got me good this time....

Normally I tend to catch on to the FAs... but this time I didn't lol.

October dreams.

what?

A dream from Jamie's perspective, she's driving in a car by didsbury and saying to herself, "I won't talk to Rob unless he sends me another message."

more Jamie dreams

I'm outside my house at night walking with Dara. Jamie is behind us and she looks super mad. In another dream I am sitting on a couch with some girl and not sure who and Jamie pries the top of the dream apart and peers in, she has a very dull and disappointed look on her face


Some days later I dream me and her are in front of some papers and we are planning where to live?
Lucid


I'm in some weird shop and some youtuber I hate is there but in this dream we seem to be friends. I become lucid and spend the rest of the dream trying to convince him it's a dream.

November

This was a crazy night.

dream 1: I was hanging with jamie and we seemed to be on okay terms. We were sitting under a water bridge or something when some woman with wings flies up to me. She starts flirting with me and puts something over my head and i just laugh. I get a mirror out and it turns out the girl put a mask on me that makes my face look like my face but plastic. I pull the mask thingy off but it comes off as some mesh leggings. I look over to Jamie who seems to have changed her face to someone unrecognizable. OMG I just realized why she was so mean in the next dreams.

Dream 2: I'm having an awkward meeting with my dad. We decide to go to some restaurant but all the tables and chairs are in uncomfortable positions.

FA, In a basement I think Jamie is there and some other people. I'm sitting on a couch and I find a small picture of an evil looking woman with brown hair. I feel a demonic presence attached to this picture. The picture jumps out of my hands and I try to catch it. It lets out a small laugh as I chase it all over the couch then I notice it's left a small trail behind of shit. All over the couch. I frantically try to clean it up and almost throw up. When Done, I look for the picture again.

FA, in the same basement on a couch. People are there and I ask them If they remember the dream we just had? The one with the demon causing all sorts of trouble? Everyone looks at me like I've gone insane? I look to the couch and Jamie is there staring into my brother's eyes like she is in love and they are whispering something i can't hear. I get up from the couch and say, "Are you two getting into something here?". My brother shakes his head ,"no". He gets ups from the couch and leaves. I notice his friend richard there at the other couch. Jamie says, "Robert don't".

"You know what pisses me off?" I say. As My brother moves away Jamie falls backwards on the couch. Her mouth a big ,"O", of surprise as in ,"How dare you look at me this way?" And she moves her arms to cover her breasts which I can't see anyway because she's wearing a dress that covers them. but what she doesn't realize is that by falling backwards the bottom of her dress is up, and not only is she not wearing anything underneath, but I can also see everything.

I ignore that, and keep going. "It's that after all these years you're still not really my friend." Jamie scrunches her forehead, a look, which I've seen before when she's about to disagree with me. My memory fades here.

next few days:

Dreams of Jamie taper off, but I remember some fragments.

School

Dream of the school we usually dream at. Jamie is sitting there on the curb and she is saying, "You're not going to hit me with that are you?" I look down and I am holding some sort of Disc or plate... "No," I say, "Why would I do that?"

Then the next day I have a fragment where She is smiling at me and we seem to be on good terms.

Bjork Dreams



One where I find Bjork in the gymnasium of the school. She says she wrote a song for me. She plays it and it's good. i wonder If I'll be able to remember the melody. Sadly i don't.

Other dream was I was flying around a large abandoned city. I heard Bjork singing a melody. I began singing the same melody after she stopped. I flew up to her and she was floating in the air with some man. She asked if it was me who was just singing her song? I forget what answer I give and I just fly off.

Other non lucids

In one dream i am at my house? or someone else's. And I go outside and see a Big dragon roaming around. I hide and people I seem to know keep driving by on ATVs Asuka is in one and she said The girls have taken the remaining dybbuk boxes and have put them away safely. I explain that won't get the demons out of Jamie's inner world. She said it's a start.

Data

A dream where I can see Data trying to get into Jamie's inner world. I think I am watching on a screen. He comes to a shield he can't get past. He plants explosives at the base and it blows a tunnel underneath. At this point Data is so clear he looks exactly like the TV character. I usually never see him like that. He keeps tunneling with his phaser or something. He keeps saying what he is doing and what he is going to try, but it sounds too technical. At this point I think I'm watching a lost episode of Star trek. Some giant tendril rises from underneath him it looks like it's connected to something from the movie tremors. It begins pulling Data under and he still keeps talking just louder. Eventually his head falls off and everything fades to black.

Jesus is being creepy again

i woke up in the middle of the night and thought to myself ,"will I ever see Jamie again?" I fall into a dream vision and see Jesus with a big goofy grin on his face. He is pointing at the gates of heaven where a bright light is obscuring what's behind the gates. "You'll see her there!!!" Jesus booms without moving his mouth.

What about before then?

Semi lucid

Dreamed I was walking somewhere in the wilderness at night. I discovered I could float if I pawed the air a bit. I had to find a washroom So I came across a familiar door that went under a hill. I knew it was a place under construction and late night people might be working so I floated in through the top of the door way which was very tall. Inside was a place with fresh drywall and there was a guy mixing mud loudly so I floated above him. He didn't notice. At the end of the hall was a large room maybe for a kitchen or living room. There was another hallway so I took that one and spotted another worker where i knew the washroom was. I floated above him too and went in the doorway. i did my business in the room. When i left one of the workers spotted me so i flew fast out the entrance door.

Co-workers

Dreamed I was with some of my co workers in a large room that seemed filled with water. Only we could breathe under it. One girl was still ina sybmarine or something but it was really small. A floated up to her friend and smiled at her.

Concert surprise

Dream about some youtuber guy. We were at a music hall or something where a party was going on. We discovered we could do some really crazy dream parkour as the gravity seemed light. He found some markings high up that said if he could follow the parkour course in the hall three times, A well known rock band would show up. I watched him do the parkour sequence 3 times. On the last try he was struggling with it. He managed to do it right and suddenly a band i never heard of showed up and started to play or something.

Training

Various dreams of martial arts training. In one i'm being trained in a kung fu form by some chinese guy. He claims he is teaching me tiger and Crane, but the sequence i show him is different than what he is teaching. In another dream i am in a simulation where I am training with a wooden sword. A guy goes to stab me with his right sword and take mine and try to stab his right arm to deflect. The trainer says I'm not doing what he showed me. He asks again what should I do when someone swings with his right from that angle? I just say I have to be faster. The trainer shakes his head. In another dream i am practicing the form with a coworker. We go through a sequence and she says she doesn't like that particular pose.


Messages

I kept dreaming of getting messages from Jamie on Facebook, but they were all mean.
Stadium

Dream flash about seeing Jamie at a stadium with her own trainer? She looks like an anime girl and has a green bandana. She looks very angry but also determined. I wonder why I am there? Was I training for this? Or were we supposed to dream battle? i never got a conclusion to this.

Basement 1

This is after Raven telling me she remembered putting up a shield in someone's inner world. I'm wandering a basement when I run into a woman with long dark hair. She also has dark skin and pulls me into a bedroom. We start kissing. Not sure who this was.

Basement 2

I'm in Jamie's basement and I am wandering around. I go into a room where I feel a dark presence. I feel a presence possess me and i feel really dark like when i'm in SP. I go up to some people and ask them if I seem different. No body seems to notice anything but then my voice changes.

Basement 3

I'm in the basement but find extra rooms where there's people in there with a long scenario to kill me. I Run into Asuka and data and they both say Jamie is nowhere to be found, but that this place is crawling with Demons, so we decide to leave.

Basement 4

I enter the basement again the next day but get trapped and held down by hoodlums. An evil looking woman emerges and gives and evil smile. she says I'll never get back in here again.

Jesus again

I'm at the Dream highschool that me and Jamie use as a neutral ground to hang out in dreams. It's only me and her in class and Jesus is the teacher. He hands us a large book and says this is what we are to study for our assignment. I leaf through and there's a bunch of sci-ency and spiritual technobabble. One chapter catches my eye it says something about Jamie being suicidal? I look at Jamie but she's almost leaving the classroom. I stop her and say we should study. She says she knows it all and repeats all the terms in the book back to me except for the last one. She then leaves. Then i think she didn't want to talk about that last subject.

Jamie tries to contact me

A dream of talking on a computer screen with jamie. She says she misses the dreams and she can't find me. I say I can't get to her house since her shield went up and I got kicked out by some some woman.

phone call

I'm at home and Asuka hands me the phone and says it's from Jamie. I barely hear Jamie when I burst into tears and then I ask her why she hasn't called me in years and why now of all times? then I wake up.

Roland

I am in the Dark Tower World with Jamie we are walking with roland in a huge desert. IT's so windy that Roland is wearing some large archaic goggles to protect his eyes from the dust. I guess we were telling him about our friendship because he suddenly seems perplexed and then almost mad. He barks at us, "Why don't you two just contact one another?" and turns his head away in disapproval. I start to say I did attempt contact but then I woke up.

The Rose

I am at the corner of Second and Forty-Sixth in a vacant lot in New York standing over a Rose. IT's The Rose from the Dark Tower novels. Jamie is talking to me either in my head or through an earpiece for some reason we think this can get me back into her inner world. She asks me If I'm at the rose? We seem to making a coordinated effort or something. I am greatly transfixed by the rose. "Yes I am at the rose." I say. "...I'm always at the rose..." Then I wake up. Well I guess I screwed that one up.

Lucid 1

I become Lucid in my house when I discover gravity is light. I can't think of any plans so i look into a mirror. I don't try to change my image but the reflection starts smiling at me and looks evil. It fades out shortly after.

Lucid 2

I become lucid in a movie theater when I float up. I leave the theater and look for someone. I wind up in the projection room and my vision starts to go dark. I keep saying ,"Computer: lights" a few times until I see the light is on finallyI seem very determined to do something. I enter a place with seating tables where people are eating and I spot an old co worker Daniel. I go up to him and tell him it's a dream. He doesn't seem to care much but after I keep talking he looks somewhat interested.

"If you're wondering who I am," I say, "I might be your subconscious!" But I screw up the word: subconscious. I briefly fall back into SP and I am struggling to talk because I can feel my physical jaw is mostly numb. I snap back into the dream. "I'm sorry i meant: subconscious. I can't talk sometimes..." Dan just shrugs. Then I clue into what I need him for: He has to get into Jamie's inner world to take her shields down because I am not allowed. I have to try to convince him. "We are going to use your dreams to build your confidence... With GIRLS!" Dan then perks up a bit and seems more interested and almost smiles, which is strange for him. "For this next mission," I continue," You are going to get to practice with a very SPECIAL girl!" Jamie's voice booms into my head. "Robert... REALLY?" she sounds really annoyed. But Dan agrees. I pull up my watch with a display and see Asuka and Data behind two separate screens. Asuka says, "Im planting a homing device on him now!". Data is at a display with a keyboard and his fingers are moving at blinding speed. He says, "Locking onto him now and Transporting." then I wake up.

As of 11-15: 50 since August.

11-17 (+1)
I'm in a huge indoor-outdoor area. It's the size of a football field, and I'm on a mezzanine-like structure. It looks like rock shelf as floor for the mezzanine all around, but also kind of perfect like a shopping mall (hard to describe). The whole area is overgrown with plant life, dirt, and rocks, and there is junk (think American Pickers and/or a garage sale or old barn). It also sort of feels like a hill/cliff I climbed on during my last vacation. I don't know what's below on the "ground floor"--maybe a small body of water/pond? I climb around a corner and see a large twisted black metal wire structure which I understand to be a pulpit. The first 8-10 feet are twisted into a very small spiral staircase, and the rest is twisted into a rectangular pulpit face with a cross shape twisted on top. My cousin climbs up the staircase and pulls himself to the top, looking like he's about to preach. I become lucid and instantly lose eyesight. I sping to clear it up and begin to feel wakefulness pulling at me. I try to remember something I read hear once about "resisting the path to waking" and it works. I keep spinning and yell "lights!" and suddenly my vision comes back. All I can see past my small corner of the mezzanine is a huge sunset-colored mushroom cloud and sky going in all directions. I believe the lucid went on for a bit longer but I didn't write any more down in my DJ.

11-18 (+1)
At a wedding, lucid pretty briefly. Had some familiar faces show up.

11-21 (+3)
See post "Couple of Lucids - November 21"

11-22 (+2)
See post "Some Cool Lucids - November 22"

11-25 (+4)
4-lucid-long dream chain. Each time, I would "wake up" in the kitchen of 9 and become lucid almost instantly. Then I would exit out to the back porch and do a couple of things for 1-2 minutes, and then "wake up" into the next one. Things I did:
Flew to the top of a non-existant tree in the corner of the yard, then ran along an extremely long wooden structure, ninja-style. Again with these crazy disproportionately huge structures.
Walked outside again, saw my dad and passed him by since I was lucid. Decided to fly again and flew to the top of the tree again, but didn't go the same direction (the tree was in the same place, but the wooden structure wasn't) so instead I flew out towards my neighbors' houses and had a nice windy flight past some real life and dream memories (some of it was the way the neighbors (or previous neighbors) had their houses set up when I was a kid, some was from in-depth past dreams that I had forgotten all about*).
Walked out onto the porch and tried to spin-teleport to my incubated dream location, even closed my dream-eyes which usually dooms me if the teleport doesn't work, but this time simply nothing happened. I was able to salvage the lucid though, and did some summoning/object manipulation which was fun.
Had another brief one in which I lost it quite quickly and tried to do counting method to stabilize, but lost.

As of 11-26: 61 since August. I'm really excited to have gotten this far!

Notes: tonight was pretty great. I had about 5 really vivid dreams, including a FA where I got lucid. After starting popping some B6 vitamins, the vividness of my dreams realy seems to have increased. Might be the B6 working, or it might be random I dunno. I know I'm gonna keep popping em 🤣

Dream: I remember waking up from a dream. My wife was still laying in bed, but she acted a bit weird. Ohh well I got up to go to the bathroom. As I was passing the front door, I saw I wasnt locked. I remember I locked the door before going to bed, so I RCed. I instantly got lucid! Well that was easy I thought to myself 🤣 I went into the living room and wanted to walk through the window, so I could get outside. I kinda got stuck in the window hehehe..... . My wife (in real life) turned around in bed, and she bumped into me, so I woke up......

Dang it!!! The lucid dream felt soooo vivid. And it felt really stable too. And also, the gravity in the dream seemed normal. That would have been fun to work with.. ohh well, I'll get em tomorrow.

I have been recognizing the dream state a bit easier than usual. My dream self kinda randomly tells myself that this is a dream and it feels like a dream.
Tonight this same thing happened 👍
Notes: I have been popping B6 vitamins these last couple of days. Meditating every day. During the day I'm focusing of the feeling of the awake world, so I would be able to distinguish it from the dream world.
This night I was beat from work, so I fell asleep just wanting to sleep. So no mantras no intension no nothing. However i still got lucid 💪

Dream: the dream was decently long. The way I got lucid was decently interesting. The dreams villain, a Dracula looking guy, went around killing a bunch of people on the city I was in. I randomly bumped into the guy, but knew he couldn't hurt me since this was just a dream. I got lucid. The Dracula guy slashed his knife at me.i stepped back a couple of steps, and put my hand on his shoulder, and told him to leave me alone, and go do his thing some other place. He looked confused, but took my advice and turned around and walked away. I noticed that the gravity was a bit more like normal gravity. I tried flying, but it was more like floating. While in the air, I tried shooting webs. It worked and swung to the nearest building. I wanted to test, yet again, if I was able to do my finger strength training. I did a couple of hangs on the building edge. I started feeling the pump, and then stopped. NICE!!! I might be able to work with this!!
The building I was hanging from, didn't have a roof.itwas more like a scouting tower than an actual building. I noticed there being a bunch of text on the walls of this tower. Can't remember the text but it said something about a children's shooting that had happened in the city. The tower was loaded with sooo many firearms. Suddenly I heard some of the citizens yell at me, that I was the shooter from back then, and that I was naked? I looked at my body, and sure enough, I was naked..... The dream characters started chasing me down. I swing away from the tower, towards some trees and a beach. While mid swing, a Spiderman like character surprised me from behind. I dodged his attack and shot my webs at him and kinda whipped him / slammed him into the ground. While escaping I lost lucidity and woke up.

Yet again me getting to emersed in the dream content and waking up. When will I learn???

Date of Dream: TUE 20 NOV - 2018



Dream No. 487 - He's Resting In Peace

This was a very quick dream. I remember that as I was falling asleep, I would notice occasional white flashes. To the actual dream now, there was no sound, only sight. This dream played in third person mode. The scene took place in what seemed to be the base of the Heavens, on a hard cloud that living beings could stand on. The camera angle was from the side as it showed me on the far end and 18-Volt in his WarioWare Gold appearance, standing next to me. At the furthest end of the cloud was my mum’s deceased uncle Peter hovering holographically as he spoke to me but also took notice of 18-Volt. He looked completely contempt and happy with the environment he was in, suggesting that he was most certainly resting in peace. Peter's appearance was also completely accurate to how the family remembers him from real life. The scene went quickly and I soon woke up.



Dream No. 487
Dream Guide: 18-Volt
Lucid?: No



The occurrence of this dream is interesting and is rather prompt. My mum's uncle passed away on SUN 20 NOV - 2011 at 5:00 AM (AEDT), so TUE 20 NOV - 2018 is his 7 year death anniversary. On the 19th, mum and I went to visit the remaining family in Geelong, no correlation to the death anniversary though, we just wanted to go because we haven't been in a while. Peter was mentioned in conversation though and I said to them, "If I hear anything from him, I'll let you know". On the morning of the 20th, I had a WBTB in which I used the time to "speak to 18-Volt" (one of my reinforcement techniques). I told him that it was Peter's death anniversary today and also a little bit about who he was. I then asked 18-Volt if he could accompany me to see Peter and check in on him. I specifically asked him to be a mediator so that unauthorised deceased spirits wouldn't be able to cause havoc upon me. I finally said that I would allow a week for the task to be done as I wouldn't expect a dream to incubate straight away... SubC. proved me wrong.

It's after doing the general, non-lucid WBTB with 18-Volt that the dream occurred (after 9:15 AM) and rather than just seeing normal black after having my eyes shut for a while, there were also the white line flashes. It seems like the dream had gotten straight to the point and there was no nonsense in it; it was quick but vivid. I'm absolutely amazed how it occurred immediately as well as being successfully on the day of the death anniversary.

As mentioned in the recap, the only sense that seemed to be at play in the dream was sight. The dream had acknowledged my request for 18-Volt to be with me as that's the first thing the dream camera showed from the third person angle. He wasn't standing more to the front or the back, so he wasn't dominating or receding; he was right next to me, which to me, shows a united effort or a united bond and the feeling of "we're in this this together". There was some space in-between us though which suggests the sense of our own, individual identity and that despite the bond, we are still two different beings.

Whereas me and 18-Volt were standing on the ground in physical form, Peter was floating as a ghost. This shows the difference that I am from the land of the living and 18-Volt takes my side from thought. On the other hand, Peter has come from the land of the deceased and is now most definitely a spirit. It was just the three of us in this scene, there was no one else or nothing else that could cause any potential harm or distraction. In the position that Peter was floating in, it suggests to me that he has descended from the higher "souls of the deceased allowed only" part of Heaven to meet me and 18-Volt in a secret, uniform, public space designated to these kinds of interactions.

I find it absolutely heartwarming that Peter also seemed to acknowledge 18-Volt's presence as he would actually sometimes turn his gaze towards 18-Volt and move his mouth and gesture at him (remember, the dream only used sight, no sound). The task was recognised though as I was the main one that Peter interacted with. How Peter interacted and behaved in this dream tells me that he is completely satisfied with where he is and that he didn't have any particular messages for me to pass onto my family. The dream scene was very quick overall which maybe does suggest that Peter much prefers to rest and this was more like a reassurance thing so that I could indeed tell everyone that he was/is fine.

I got lucid tonight, using my new induction technique!!!
Last time I got lucid, I kinda joltet my self into a false awakening. It worked last time, but I couldn't remember the dream before I got lucid. Well tonight I do!! I went to sleep with the intention of recognizing the feeling I have BEFORE I wake up, and then force a false awakening.

I had a dream where I was fighting with my wife. I ended up going to sleep. The dream started at a party (goth themed apparently..) after the party on my way home, I was walking through a random neighborhood. I remembered I had to be ready for the waking up feeling, since this was a dream. I recognized the dream feeling and BAM, I got lucid. I Raced for good measure, and sure enough I was in a dream. I wanted to do something weird, Soni tried spewing fire. I couldn't do it.... Ohh well. I remembered I wanted to try some physical training in my dreams. So I tried doing fibgerstrenght training (for rock climbing). The gravity was not normal, so I couldn't even hang from my fingertips.... Well I tried. I tried jumping, shooting webs and running. Everything was super hard, since the gravity weird.. I woke up after, what seemed like a couple of minutes.

My intensions ledr to me actually becoming lucid. So my induction technique kinda worked? Buuuuttttt.... I'm back to working with the gravity and basic dream control shit.... I'll get the....

Non-lucid – Notes – lucid – Interpretation – wake/dream visuals/visions

2018-11-18 The first of the four dreams occurred during the night, in response/preparation to our dream workshop during the evening and the interpretation round this morning. They occurred in the wake of an Ayahuasca ceremony which took place on the Friday, which for me were heavily themed around (A) the practice of acting/doing what I felt like, risking to provoke and loose standing from my friends and (B) learning to see under and past the emotional pain – that is not staring myself blind at the stuff that is troubling me, without ignoring it either, but allowing myself to see the broader picture.

Dream 1: Sexual fantasy turns to voice from beyond, which culminates in a brutal murder and forgiveness of inner children.

I am lying in the ceremony room, where a couple of us have gone to bed. Nala and I are starting to make out and she starts inviting to sex. I am thrilled, yet I don’t quite do anything about it. Eventually she calls out to Mads something along the lines “Mads I am trying to have sex with Dennis, but he doesn’t really seem to want to go along.” I quickly respond “Yes, Yes I do” and then we start having sex, she guiding me inside her.
The dream then changes. Now there is some darkness and a female voice is calling out to me: “This is karmic, I will meet you in the summer.” I think to myself this pertains to a soulmate or girlfriend to come and I pull her out of the shadows, so that now I am staring at a doll face, that doesn’t seem to have any real facial features except the contours of the doll face and some long blonde hair. I ask her if she can provide additional details of herself, at which point I look at the doll face and see that her cheeks round up a bit. Other than that nothing else happens.
I then parcour jump down into the basement, meant for parking cars. There I meet two boys, one is about 4-5 years old another is maybe 7-9. The young boy tells the older “This is where you did me wrong (or: this is where you annihilated me)”. The older doesn’t seem to quite understand, but then the story continues.
Then a 12-13 year old guy appears – there is no question that he is a bully and he is much bigger, both taller, more muscular and fatter, he has a distinctly malicious energy about his person - while the two aforementioned remain hidden down behind a corner. The big guys is there to bully and the 7-9 year old then pushes the smaller one out from behind the corner, he seems to blush and turn red around the cheeks while doing so.
As the youngest run out the Bully picks him up. As he picks him up he turns into a small baby of 6 months or maybe even smaller as in still a fetus. As soon as he has picked him up he walks over to a railing and slams the head of the youngest down into this railing. Killing him.
The youngest looks like a doll and I say something along the lines of “Ah it was a doll”. However then the scenario shifts about and from above the doll is seen lying on the ground, and it is clear that the Bully has killed the youngest fetus/6months old cold blooded.
The 7-9 year old is devastated and I am now back in my body and participating in my dream. It is clear to me that my reason for being there is that I must forgive the 7-9 year old, that is the karmic stuff the woman was talking about. I sit down with the guy and we both cry like babies.
I don’t think I have ever been so wrecked by guilt, disgust, anger, sorrow and empathy for the guy. It is difficult containing all these ambivalent feelings and focus on forgiving him, yet this is what I sit down with him and do.
Dream Ends.

Dream 2: Walking through a fairgrounds in the rain.

I am outside in a fairgrounds of some description. The atmosphere is holiday-like and I am walking around by myself, though there are many people around. I am walking past playful attractions, like a bouncy castle where I wonder if it is OK I am wearing shoes. I also walk past loads of food outlets – notably fastfood ones, like Sunset Boulevard and McDonald’s – and contemplate buying food, though I don’t in the end.
It starts raining, severely. I get drenched in my brown Polo shirt, which I received from a friend of mine about 15-20 years ago. I wonder to myself how I will manage being all drenched and I take off my shoes and find that they are completely soaked in and filled with water as well.
Dream Ends:

Interlude: Before going into the dreams that followed later this day it is worth while noting a few events that transpired. The reason being that heavy emphasis was placed on sharing and interpreting these above dreams before the following 2 occurred. Thus the following two dreams can be both expressions of the same primarily activated themes, but also responses to the interpretations that were carried out.

So I interpreted the first dream as essentially carrying a theme, which is best summarised as the relationship between various inner children. The narrative transformations provide some indications as to what the theme is about, I think.
The dream starts out as a sexual fantasy – which is both day residue, as we fell asleep together and both of us apparently experienced fear and confusion as to what the connection was all about, as well as a pinpointing of a challenge I experience in intimate relations (the fear of reaching out, making the first move and committing to expose myself through expressing desire and attraction) – that then transforms to a karmic message “This is about karma, I will meet you in the summer”, which is a dialogue with a “faceless” woman (which carries on a theme of recent where a veiled woman has made herself known, as well a running into “the guy who wants to remain hidden” on the same night in a different dream), which then leads to a display of the killing of the youngest child (4-5 years old, turns into 6 months/fetus) through the brutal action of the 12-13 year old, but guided by the 7-9 year old.
The intense emotionality, the supernatural aspects as well as the residual impact leads me to suspect this as a prospective dream, indicating that a dawning realisation of the interrelation between various “sub-programmes”. I suspect this is related to the connection between my fear of intimacy (which was prevalent with Nala) and my fear of promoting myself.
The reason I suspect this was that when I was discussing some of the potential meanings of these boys of various ages with Mads on the way back from the weekend the 12 year old reminded me of a time when I had a crush on a girl from my class (Djana), though I never really dared to admit it. I could admit it to myself, but I was afraid of admitting to it publicly, which has been a recurring story ever since. This theme of public displays of affection was actually activated as an element of conscious reflection during the breakfast, where I engaged with Nala in an intimate fashion.
So it is as if at least 3 of these 4 inner children are known to me. (1) Fetus//6 months old – pertaining to being abandoned (in the womb through smoking, alcohol consumption and potentially a polluted motivation of wanting to keep a hold on my dad, indicating a dysfunctional relation already then and the traumatic experience at 1,5 months old that I have talked to my mother about) (2) the 4-5 year old (The memory of getting punished for reaching out for food, being shamed and made wrong, as confirmed by my cousin who was in the memory) (3) the 12-14 year old (associated with being afraid to publicly commit to attraction and already at this point in time experiencing difficulty in expressing sexual desire or making the first moves. The 4th (the 7-8 year old) is so far unknown to me (it is the period of my life where I first discovered computer gaming, is the first that springs to mind).
In any case the notion around Djana becomes present in one of the following dreams.

Dream 3: How can one loose a space ship, well apparently it is because we forget how to look at the stars at night.

There is a vista of a city skyline in bright sunlight. I am overlooking this from the water, a river I think. Then a portal opens and a version of the starship Enterprise appears. Then another and another I think of up to 6 or 7 appear. They are all slightly different, with different details around particular the engines, but it is important and it is made known to me that these differences matter, as it is a proof that I am not “just seeing things”.
Then an alarm is sounded, or it is made known that we have lost a starship. There is a meeting of various generals from all over the world. Then a question is posed “How is it even spotted when it is hanging out there in the outskirts of the solar system in the darkness?” and an immediate, but also embarrassing answer (because it is so obvious) is posed. “Our allies (a different species) can walk in space and so can easily see spaceships in the darkness”. Then the Iranian general walks out to observe the stars and train his vision, but also do something of some description to retrieve the starship.
Dream Ends:

Dream 4: At a party, going home early to meet Djana, but is instead greeted by 6-7 aliens looking for Hude Dant – which I recognise as an obvious allusion to Hugh Grant.

I am out partying with my friends. I decide to rather quickly return home and here I hope that I will find Djana at home. When I return I notice a small car parking on the other side of the road. It is driven by a woman – who is sitting in shadows and whom I have an awkward feeling about – we have a history and she is somehow connected to picking up Djana or someone else. I walk in and am pleased to find that the doors are open and that there is a light on. I walk in and down to the basement, but can’t find Djana. Instead I find my laptop lying on the sofa.
Then a whole bunch of people walk in. I immediately know that they are aliens disguised as humans and that they are somehow connected with the previous spaceships (though I have no explicit memory of the previous dream, in this dream). There are 3-5 of them in the room and they are looking for Hude (or Lube) Dant, but I also know that this is a poor way to cover up that they are looking for Hugh Grant.
There is a scenario shift to a driving car with 2 aliens in it, where one has disguised itself as a Dane and another as a Swede. There is a statement that I should keep away from Copenhagen and that there is something funny about this disguised Dane speaking Danish. It is all connected to a greater mission of sorts.
Dream Ends:

Non-lucid – Notes – lucid – Interpretation – wake/dream visuals/visions

Ok.... So it's been a week or two since I wrote my last lucid dream on here. Since then I have been focusing on dream awareness, recall and vividness. I have been keeping a physical dream journal where I write notes about my dreams. And ONLY notes. Maybe only 2 sentences per dream. However I think my dreams through in detail after each dream. My dreams have gotten more vivid these last couple of weeks, so that's a good thing, since I think vividness will lead to better awareness, which then will lead to one self easier recognizing the dream state.
On to the dreams!!! And by the way, I'm not gonna write then content of the dreams, only the details on how I got lucid and stabilized and so on.

Well first dream was weird. I was watching something on my I pad in bed. I got emmersed in the content of the thing I was watching, and suddenly the content of the film was my reality. I couldn't feel the body I was just in. This weird feeling made me reality check, and I got lucid. I don't know how I reality checked, since I didn't have a body... Well I got lucid, and tried to control one of the characters in the movie I was watching. THE INSTANT a thought popped into my mind, the male character in the dream acted out the thought. Weird feeling, but I kept going. I got too emersed in the dream content and lost lucidity.... The second I lost lucidity I woke up...
Interesting dream. I have never never NOT had a body while still being lucid. Well I need figure out how to stay in the dream and keep lucidity. In the past I kinda madenit a habit to just flow with the dream, however now it seems I lose lucidity when doing so, because I tend to get too emersed in the dream content. I went back to sleep with the intention of forcing a false awakening when I feel like I'm about to wake up. This has, in the past, helped me stay in the dream instead of waking up.


Next dream!!!
I can't remember the dream it self, however I remember the feeling of being just about to wake up. The second I felt that feeling, I forced a false awakening!!! (The way I do this is as following. Just before waking up from the dream, I tend to get one certain feeling. It kinda feels like I'm in the dream world, but I can vaguely feel my real body in my bed. Normally this indicates that the dream in unstable, and I'm about to wake up. In the past I have ALWAYS woken up after this feeling, so I wanted to figure out a solution to this. I came up with forcing a FA!! And for me, it works wonders!! When getting the feeling of waking up , I instantly sit up in my bed. I see it like forcing my self to instantly wake up. This night I kinda joltet myself awake) I woke up in my bed. RCed, and as always I was still in a dream!!! Success!!!!! The content of the dream is irrelevant. But they say I woke up was not. Yet again I got too emersed in the dream content, and lost lucidity and instantly woke up.

SUCCESS!!!! The most important thing for me was that I got my old technique of forcing an FA to work!!!! I'll keep working on that technique and I'll keep notes of how I'm doing.

Notes.
The lucid dreams where in the timeframe 04:00-07:00.
I drank applecider a couple hours before going to sleep.

Non-lucid – Notes – lucid – Interpretation

2018-11-13 00:21 So to take charge on the dreamwork project with healing rejser I have decided to run it myself, though I feel somewhat tired.
I don’t know where to start. It feels as if identification with psychological self is falling away. Over the past couple of days I have experienced that with every thought arise a history, a narrative a person-in-potentia. It is falling away and I realise myself to be infinitely broader than whatever thought, feeling or sensation that arise, yet I am also Dennis, an embodied, carnal and emotional being just the same.
I have experienced anger towards Cecilie culminating in an experience of being hurt. Simply hurt. The numbness and stupididty I felt when realising that is all I had been fighting to feel, all my anger towards her was trying to repress and what the suicidality was an expression of left me giggling, free and confused.
Speaking off. There has been much confusion. Mainly as I have found little to be ecstatic or happy about, no mission nor direction. Thus meaninglessness and confusion.
When I felt the hurt with regard Cecilie I started crying and placed myself down on a carpet. I saw myself a fetus in the womb of my mother and it felt as if I sent a team of light beings, angels to remind the fetus in the past that it was forever loved, before I took it and placed it firmly in my chest, now giving it love from myself to myself.
I want to try out permaculture, more embodied, more giving a shit about my daily life and the planet on which it occurs. No longer a saviour project (attachmentto the recognition associated with such an endeavour), but simply because I miss trying out more contact with nature in a responsible way, the way of a custodian.
I have felt curiosity about people. Like genuine curiosity, notable due the absence of trying to bring the conversation around to be about me. Either in terms of “I have tried something similar, when...” or “I totally get that, maybe you should look at it like… to….” or simply to demonstrate cleverness a hungry and hurt yearning for recognition, a desperation for fulfilling a hole that was futile from the beginning. I have seen the source, understood the principles by which the conditioning arose and battled myself to eternity to cling on to it, but it is faltering.
I have experienced the depths of despair, isolation and loneliness driving my thoughts into suicidal contemplation ever so more specific and concrete, to the point that I just 2 days ago considered writing my departure letter as a way of examining why I was thinking about quitting it all. This pain has driven me through profound anger at my heart, my soul and God. I have been piss fucking irritated at my soul and God for not really appreciating the nature of a mortal being and selfishly deciding to put a poor human being, and not only me, through whatever hurts simply so they can learn a lesson or two from an immortal perspective. Funnily enough this anger was followed by what seemed a remark from Raphael “you have a point you know”. I have been angry at my heart as I thought that was a spot in which I was supposed to find rest, but the more I dive in the more it screams “BRING ME YOUR SUFFERING” as it spreads out tentacles digging up collective emotional bull shit that is lingering below the surface and causing all sorts of havoc, wanting to feel it so it can be released. What a dick that heart of mine!
In my moments of darkness the room has literally seemed to go black and a voice have whispered “Well if you don’t need that soul...”. I guess if you open for angels, you open for all of them.
Yet then in meditation the whispers of Ganesh have imparted me teachings of regulating attention. It has shown me how desire with attachment to outcomes becomes a strong, single pointed focus – just as you would practice in meditation. The problem is you then manifest it. I have seen how I have been manifesting pain and suffering relentlessly.
All of this. All of this pain have left me severely questioning the wisdom of Ayahuasca. It seems that whenever I engage my desire for something simple, something human – love, connection and sex – I am denied. To the point where it has brought me into the realms of psychiatry, as it seems the plants are unwilling to help and assist with my predicaments and I now am scheduled to have a psychiatric evaluation carried out – do what you fear ey?
It goes further than that. Here I sit on the night where I have finally broken my resistance towards promoting myself. The pattern that obscured my actioning was seen, and understood in its complex simplicity.
When an urge to create and claim a slice of life for myself arise, in the concrete manifestation of simply promoting myself, a thought arise in response. “The world is already enlightened, you are no longer needed” - typically this would occur in interpretation towards an article read, a sentence uttered or something similar. In effect it would serve enough of a distraction to keep me from doing what I intended. Then when I engage with life and start seeing evidence to the contrary that maybe there are people out there suffering, someone I could assist a replacement thought would pop up, typically identified through some sort of inspirational video, article, cartoon or similar: “Well there are plenty of people out there much better than you, more suited to take up the task”. Then more examples would follow that would indicate that maybe you know I could be of service to some at which point the voice would turn distinctly sinister “Well Dennis you are a shitty human being, look at all of this shit you can’t figure out about life, you are not fit to help anyone”. Which would then initiate a period of intense suicidality, self-absorbed victimhood and suffering.
This pattern has been at times lasted weeks, if not months. But after I verbalised it to a good friend yesterday I have seen it manifest and resolve within the space of an hour, though the suicidality and “terrible human being” bit got channelled into actually getting a marketing post written.
My biggest fear is a funny one. I am actually afraid that upon resolving this inner conviction that I am not worthy of life, that I have no function to fulfil (it is tricky dedicating your life to helping people out of suffering, if all the world is already there just waiting for me to resolve my own bull shit so we can move on) that the enlightenment of the world will ensue. I would thus manifest my deepest fear, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is a lot of quirky stuff going on in my head (and oh my god don’t get me started on the bodily stuff), transformations and shifts in perspective are occurring at a rate I am so not accustomed to. I guess an apt analogy is that I have been thrown into a maelstrom in the middle of an infinite sea during a thunderstorm and am now learning to swim in these waters, slowly getting the hang of it.
But there is a fierce willingness also arising. A willingness to experience more. Despite the intensity I want more from life.
I can guarantee very little at present. The main thing I can say for sure is that I refuse to listen to the belittling voice within. I have empathy and compassion for why it arose. But I refuse to be worthless any longer.