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2018-12-08 The following is a description of a very powerful visionary experience during holotropic breath-work.

One sentence title: Travelling as pure child of light from the centre of creation, the beginning of time, over North American bull riding shaman to see what we are saving, culminating in seeing myself as Lucifer, then taking his place so he can go to heaven, falling to earth discarding demonic baggage.

The entry will be written in Danish as I intend to explore it further in therapy.

Jeg starter med at lægge mig godt til rette, jeg ser frem til den her session og er ikke bange, men mærker at jeg næsten bliver høj, måske på grund af den lidt intense dans jeg har givet mig I kast med forinden.

Det første der sker er visuelt. Jeg ser en række tørrede sår hen over min skallede isse, som jeg piller I en smule og som opstår simultant med en række bekymringer omkring Mai, hvilket efterfølges af en række tanker omkring den energi jeg bruger på at bekymre mig hende og hendes foretagener (jeg kan ikke huske om jeg her tænker på at flytte eller om jeg beslutter dette I løbet af den næste dags ceremoni hvor jeg ligger alene I køkkenet).

Det næste element er at jeg oplever – uden at det bliver visuelt – at jeg ligesom bliver løftet op og at himlens porte bliver åbnet for mig, uden at der dog kommer noget ud eller jeg kommer ind el.

Det næste er en længerevarende oplevelse af at se og mærke mig selv som et sammenfoldet barn lavet af lys, som rejser igennem et stjerneløst mørke, hvor lys og mørke er ligeligt fordelt og overlappende, som I både altopslugende og totalt gennemtrængende oven I, men også ved siden af hinanden.
Denne rejse ændrer karakter en smule til at den starter fra galaksens centrum, som også er punktet for begyndelsen af tid og jeg ridder på den forreste bølge af stjerner mod Jorden. Her kommer jeg forbi et vista af en slette I nordamaerika og jeg får fornemmelsen af en bison okse, der muligvis riddes af en shaman. Der er en klar besked om at det er det her livet handler om og at det er det vi forsøger at redde. Samtidig oplever jeg en enorm fornemmelse af at jeg er kommet hertil langvejsfra for at rydde op I min families historik.

Her begynder jeg at ryste ret så kraftigt, samtidig med at jeg skriger og græder et klage-skrig jeg ikke har hørt før. Jeg ser et billede af planeten samtidig og oplever at vi deler smerten og at oprydningen handler om det.

Jeg bruger en del tid på at græde snot og skrige på den måde. I løbet af denne meget emotionelle og kropslige process mærker jeg virkelig også min krop ryste og blive varm.

Da jeg på et tidspunkt sætter mig op, eller rettere forceret ved at en guide blidt har lagt en hånd på mit bryst der har skabt en voldsom reaktion, opdager jeg at lænet fårover har jeg enten fået mine vinger klippet af eller de bliver klippet af mens jeg sidder der. Herefter oplever jeg at jeg kan gro nye vinger, men disse enten af phønix eller fugle karakter og sprede dem ud over rummet.

Det sidste, men måske mest intense scenarie er at jeg igen ser det gyldne barn siddende foran mig, men denne gang med sorte vinger. Jeg ved at det er mig selv jeg ser på, jeg ved det er djævlen. Jeg trækker mig en smule tilbage, men tænker jeg skal nok se på det så beder en bøn til Michael og Jesus om beskyttelse og lader visionen udfolde sig. Jeg bliver til Lucifer, men samtidig sker der det at jeg igen ser himlens porte åbne sig foran mig og jeg ser hvordan Lucifer bliver lukket ind, mens jeg falder bagover med sorte vinger på ryggen – jeg har taget hans plads. Da jeg rammer jorden er det som om vingerne eller noget dæmonisk fortsætter med at falde. Nu ser jeg mig igen som det gyldne barn og at jeg hvis jeg fokuserer 100% ind I kroppen ikke blot har hele jorden og kosmos som legeplads, men flere forskellige dimmensioner også.

Her stopper vissionen.

My sister is picking me up from this place near the mountains. We go to a gas station and I go to the counter. I freak out a little bit and fall to the floor. I get up and think that I'm sort of losing it and my sister looks a bit concerned. We go back to that house and I think there's now some zombies there.

I'm in this open space that has a hill with a temple/building at the top of it. It feels like we're in a videogame. In the distance are these roads leading to another place. I think it's good vs. bad and there are teams of people. I fly down off the hill onto a road. I remember thinking I was gliding very far and I had done this before. This place felt really old and familiar. It felt like we were years in the past. On the other side of the map is this factory building. The bad guys are in there. I think they're horde but it's just a large group of people. They're flying into the building and I'm hiding on another side of this train. The train is actually surging and jiggling me around as I'm trying to hold on and hide from the horde. I go back to the hill and there are a lot of people surrounding this temple. I'm calling out to a particular girl thinking her name is KSHMR which IRL is a guy DJ but in the dream it's a girl. I start to fly up in the air. There are these tennis courts or basketball courts with giant black gates. I'm flying around sort of like spiderman jumping off of these giant black gates while yelling out to girl KSHMR. I was wearing my pink/white kimono.

It was dark, I remember looking up at the stars before a bag was put over my head. By the time I came to, I realized that the room I was in was huge. The cold cement floors were nothing compared to the empty warehouse I now sat in. A soldier walked up, "How are you doing today?" I blinked as the soldier continued,"As of today you are a pow, that means prisoner of war. But now you're with us and safe." The man untied me and set me free from the chair I was sitting in. The next thing I know I have joined a group of people, there was a man handing out what looked to be packages of food and water. Another soldier (could not tell if male or female) led me around. There where fields everywhere (which I thought was kinda odd), then as we arrived at one I noticed a small bush/tree right in the middle between the two gates that led into the field. I must've looked confused as I looked between the tree and the soldier becuase the soldier offered an explanation," yeah we call that the tree of life becuase its right in the middle of a field, isn't that funny?". End of Dream

Fragment 1: I'm in the RV with Grandpa and a few other family members. As Grandpa drives down the driveway and out of the gate, I say something to him and the RV starts to tilt horribly to the right. I freak out at first, but it just keeps tilting and finally hits the ground on it's side.

Fragment 2: I'm waiting at Grandma's gate with Julie. It's dark outside. A man is walking down the driveway to us. Once he get to us he puts the unlocked lock on the fence and attaches a large camera right next to the lock. I ask him about the camera but he doesn't answer. I already know that it belongs to Grandpa.

Fragment 3: I dreamed about a school. High school.

Two women are speaking. One of them, the only human in this dream, has made a deal to trade places with someone. But it's being explained to her now that the person she's traded places with was fated to die at a certain age; they were to be what's referred to as the tithe to hell. That's now her job. At 24, she's already past that age.

The woman explaining this to her sounds amused at her situation, but she resents the tithe to hell itself - doesn't like having to submit to someplace else's authority. The human picks up on this resentment, and makes a suggestion. She believes that as a human, she can access the place they refer to as hell in a way that this woman can't; there's something stored there that allows that place to hold authority here. If she could reach it, there'd be no need for the tithe. It's unlikely to work, but still an intriguing offer.

Scene change. The human's standing at the back of a line passing through a small gate in a rock tunnel. The other people here are goblin-like creatures, and she's wearing the same type of clothes as theirs for a disguise, along with an eyepatch - the eyepatch is important because the people here all bear wounds proudly. Although the guard at the gate is familiar with most of the people passing through, talking like they're old friends, he apparently isn't bothered by a stranger's presence; he waves her through without a second look.

Listening to a song with the line, "I ran away from my vows."

I've hidden a human girl in my room, and I'm trying to distract my "sister" so the human will have a chance to escape. It's not difficult - we don't get along at all, so it's easy to pick a fight. We both look and act like and possibly really are teenagers. I walk away from her, giving the impression that I want her to leave me alone, knowing that's the easiest way to make sure she'll follow me. Looking for a drink, I walk into a room where my "sister's" left a human girl lying semi-conscious on the floor. I hate her parties - I hate living here in general; it's like living in a frat house. That's part of why I want to help that human escape - I know she's been investigating us but I don't care, I really, really dislike these people. I haven't been here long, maybe a week, and I'm hoping my "father" will decide to move again soon. I pick up a nearly-empty bottle, take a drink - alcohol. I spit it out and pick up another bottle. I ask the semi-conscious girl, hey, is this my sister's drink? She doesn't answer me, and I wasn't really expecting her to. I drink it anyway. Yes, this one's my "sister's." I hate the taste of bottled blood, but it's what I'm used to. Keeping the bottle, I walk outside.

The yard out back is huge, and ends in a fence with barbed and electric wires running along the top. As I'm walking along the edge of that fence, I come across a padlocked gate. It opens directly onto a dirt road, and on the other side of the road there's another gate - no locks on this one - opening onto a trail leading into the woods. There's something intensely familiar about this - it bothers me. I have the feeling I've seen this a long time ago, like some childhood memory. I say something about this to my "sister," but she doesn't see why that would bother me. As I'm trying to explain the odd feeling, I'm distracted by a sound from the other side of the fence, way off to our right.

On the side of the fence opening directly onto the woods, there's two people who look like hikers trying to climb the fence and look inside. They're talking to each other cheerfully, wondering what they've come across and what the barbed wire's for - to keep something out or in? It's to keep you out, I tell him as I lean over the wires, grab him and smash his head against the wooden part of the fence. It's to keep them out for their own protection, otherwise this happens. My "sister" has taken the woman he was with. Then I hear voices from the woods - they weren't alone. While my "sister's" still busy with hers, I jump over the fence and run down the other three hikers. I find myself humming as I do so - when I've finished, I realize I'm thinking of the tune as an old drinking song from the 1800s. That's odd - I wasn't alive then, where do I know that song from? I have a vague impression of enjoying myself while singing that song in a situation much like this. I look at the hiker I'm still holding, and I think, just a little while ago I was having a conversation with someone killing a rabbit, and I'd said that it wasn't the death I objected to, it was the attitude behind it, the lack of respect. What a hypocrite I am.

Setting loosely based on China some centuries ago. There's two men standing on either side of a gateway; they used to know each other a long time ago, but not anymore. The one inside's a soldier; the one outside used to be. Currently he's drunk and being held up by two soldiers who work under the one inside. The one inside is deciding whether or not to have the other one executed. In the end he decides against it and says something along the lines of "Get this drunkard out of my sight."

As a disembodied observer, I'm thinking that he's going to regret that decision. In a few years they'll be rivals who both want something or someone, and the other man will win. I see an image of that future, where the man currently standing inside that gate is now watching the other man from a distance. He's thinking back to this moment and wondering what would have happened if he'd executed him then.

Shortly after passing a man whose head is a snake, three creatures are presented as things I'm meant to fight. But they seem harmless, and when I walk up to them, they disappear. Past them, I walk into a hidden door set into a tree, and spend some time walking through a series of rooms. The passageway I'm walking through makes a large circle, and when I get back to the start (there were a lot of scene changes along the way, so this "start" wasn't actually the same place as the tree-passage from before), I notice a flight of stairs heading down that I hadn't seen before, with small, glowing blue arrows hovering just above the floor, pointing down.

The stairs lead down into an enormous room filled with books and a portrait of a man I recognize as someone infamous named Corvo - he's someone I've heard of often, in the context of being a doctor or a researcher or something similar, responsible for some tragedy or some sinister event; but I personally think of him positively, even though I know very little about him - mostly I feel curious. I realize this was his room, and these are his records.

I'm standing in a city street in Corvo's POV, sort of - I'm aware that this is me going through his records, his reflections on the past. At this moment in time, he'd been disgraced, along with some other man who I'd also heard of, someone who's walking away from him right now. I have some mental connotation between this man and violence but also think of him as a better person than Corvo, someone who dislikes Corvo intensely but works more closely with him than anyone else, I have the impression Corvo somehow forced him or manipulated him into carrying out a lot of dirty work for him. Now Corvo's looking at the open gates to the city, looking at the crowds of people entering, aware that they're unknowingly carrying some danger that others refuse to listen to him about, and feeling powerless. With the knowledge that this is a flashback, he's feeling an incredible amount of pain over this moment in the past and whatever it eventually led to, and I feel that same emotion so intensely that I have a false awakening or something similar and spend it looking for some space to just calm down from that scene.

I'm driving through a familiar IRL location, semi-lucid - aware I'm dreaming but still just automatically following the dream storyline. While thinking about this being a dream, I go fully lucid and remember a lucid goal, one that involves traveling to a particular building, so I set out to find it. I'm at a crossroads, and I think to myself, oh look, there's the road that leads to that place! I drive down that road for a while, and the scenery gradually stops resembling IRL.

Eventually the road curves, and rather than turning with it, I drive off the road, directly through a dry yellow bush, although it gives my car no resistance at all. I drive through the forest for a while, without a road, and I pass construction crews - men in hardhats, bulldozers, and a vast number of tree stumps that they've cut down. I begin to have trouble with visuals, things start going black and I worry that I'm waking up, but I'm able to clearly see a tree branch against the sky as I drive up a hill, looking upward, and I keep focusing on that vivid image, wondering why I can see some things and not others.

I exit the forest, away from the construction crews, and am now at the top of some rolling hills covered in green grass. In the distance, I can see a blue building flanked by white pillars, and I decide that must be the place I've been looking for. As I get closer, I see that it seems to be a school - which is not what I'm looking for - but I keep heading for it anyway, figuring it'll work out when I get there. I cross a bridge, and looking down I can see some land covered by a thin layer of water far below, a sort of web-like network of tiny streams. The place I'm looking for has a vague connection with water, so I think of this as promising.

I park in a small parking lot, a good distance away from that building. You have to walk from here, this place is the official entrance. There are a few other people around heading toward that building too. I hear sea birds. Over to my left, the opposite direction from the building, there's a low wall; I walk over to it and look down into a bay. I can smell the sea air. The bay is filled with fish - some of them are on the rocks instead of in the water, but they seem fine with this, and I have the feeling it's a visual trick to allow me to see them clearly. Similarly, there are giant versions of some sea creatures that would normally be much too small to see from this distance. I think of this as something like an aquarium. I can hear triumphant-sounding orchestral music.

I walk back to the entrance that leads to the building. The 'entrance' mostly consists of a large wooden message board with various things posted on it, including a place where people have left written messages about their visit to this place. I look it over briefly and continue on the path towards the building. At the other end of that wooden board, someone's left a backpack behind. As I look at it, I realize I'm waking up.

(Woke up. Back to sleep.)

There's a man who's conducted a study of the languages in his country, who's so far cataloged over 300 languages and dialects. He's currently walking down a dirt road with a lot of foot traffic. Ahead of him, some people are setting up a kind of gate. A man who he's meeting here arrives through that gate, accompanied by a small escort of soldiers.

Now that they've met up, the soldiers move on ahead, leaving the researcher and this man a little separate. One of the soldiers says something to the man, and he starts to address him as 'my captain' or something similar, a title involving rank, but he catches himself after the 'my' (or the equivalent rather; this wasn't in english). This man isn't his captain (or whatever the rank was) anymore. Both the soldiers and the man are a little sad about that, though none of them show it, but walking together with the researcher rather than with the soldiers sort of rubs it in. He'd served with this group of soldiers for a long time, and he was just recently forced to resign from his post due to something that was revealed about him. It wasn't any action on his part; it was some inherent quality that he had been unaware of, something he thinks of as something like a taint, although as a disembodied observer, I believe it's not actually a bad thing in itself, whatever 'it' is.

Addressing the researcher, he identifies himself as 'language group 246' - that is, although he doesn't expect the researcher to remember him, they've met before, when he'd participated in that researcher's survey of dialects. He takes some food out of a bag - a corn cob sliced into halves - and he offers one to the researcher, who's surprised but accepts. The man is reflecting on the opportunity for conversation with this researcher now, versus with the soldiers he used to command.

PRE:

12:51 pm

NOTES Drank apple + carrot juice

3:00 pm

MILD, watched Dante's Cove, read Tibetan Yoga. I daydreamed about taking a bus back in Negros, thinking that being in Manila is just a (day)dream I was having while in the one-hour bus ride. It was kinda depressing, and I thought of how I am actually sitting in the bus, and me lying on the bed here in Manila is the dream. Then I tried pushing my finger through my palm; it went through. I tried again, same result. I was happy. I looked at the people around the bus. They have strange faces. Masks. White alien masks. I went down the bus and ran and ran, without stopping. I just kept on imagining running around, encountered a 3-foot tool, red, worm-like creature with a hole for a mouth. I jumped into the mouth, and the running kept going. Fell asleep.

4:55 pm - wake up

DREAM:

I was in an island with other people. We were scattered across different islands. I asked a girl how were her parents. The answer was vague, but she actually meant they just saw each other in a different island.

We were guarding a castle near the sea. There are invaders. We are doing our best to keep them off. My allies in the castle were able to create a huge machine-monster to fight the enemy's monster-giant. I climbed down to give them ideas. The archers on the walls are good, but they're vulnerable from flyers and other arrows. I suggested (hingal) to cover them from above, attach magnets near them to minimize arrow damage, and build spikes to discourage flyers from coming closer. They nodded, but I felt they're not gonna implement it.

I looked around, and at the 'back,' there are huge gates and walls. There's a local family passing by. Peru or Peruvian came to mind. Their child was able to fit through the bars and climbed inside. The few guards in the area caught her and brought her out. The panicked family outside began to leave in a hurry after they have their daughter, talking in a panicked language (unfamiliar language; probably Peruvian as well?). The guards signed to them to please don't talk about this area. It's a very vulnerable spot. I thought they shouldn't have let them get away alive at all. I got annoyed at the other officers for being careless. The area is largely blocked off by a huge forest, but there's no telling when the enemy will discover this vulnerable spot. I plan for the immediate strengthening of the location.

I focus on getting to the temple but I have a cold and not feeling too great!

A lesson in Dream Control

I am seeing my wife inside a dream, somehow I am communicating with her and teaching her how to control the dream. She needs to into the gates of heaven but the gates are locked. Standing next to the gates is a creepy looking character, not sure if he is an alien or monster - he has a ridiculously large grin and sort of floppy antennae instead of ears. He is wrinkled and a sort of grey color, not sure what he is doing there though! My wife clicks her fingers once, and then a couple more times - on the third click she successfully gets the gates open!

]IPAD

I dream I my wife accidentally revealing to me that she will be getting an Ipad for me for christmas

3:43 AM

Working in a wide hallway with childhood friend Thad. Note: Thad is now working at an automation company I currently interviewed at. Our task was to take a rolling cart down the hallway. Note: The rolling cart is just like the ones that we used to roll around large machines around at my last job. They are made out of steal beams and large casters. they stand about 1.5' off the ground. Anyway the hallway has a simple yet frustrating set of traps. There are two large gates about 1' apart, then a large area with spikes coming up out of the floor, then two more gates. The gates are times so that as on comes up a little the other one closes and visa versa. We settles on taking either side and going for it. For some reason I used a couple pillow to help me slide underneath. We made it to the other side so we could stand up. the spikes couldn't reach the cart. John an old restaurant owner where I used to work was there and he was our foreman. Behind the next to gates was pitch black, maybe a wall.

I was younger in this dream and had shorter hair then I do in waking life. I did not need glasses as my eyesight was perfect. I wore a long robe that was a light brown or dark tan colour. I did not remember the specific reason for having to break the mandala seals, but in the dream I knew it was something I had to do.


I was in some sort of magical place, a fantasy-esque temple of some sort, perhaps. This place had multiple levels and each level had a magical seal that was guarded by a powerful being. Starting at the bottom, I had to fight the guardian of that level to break the seal and only then could I progress to the next level. When the guardian was defeated, its body disappeared into the glowing mandala seal on the marble floor, before flashing brightly and dissolving completely. The path to the next level would appear as a circle of light above where the mandala seal had disappeared. For some reason I would also become more powerful when I defeated the guardian, like I absorbed its physical and magical powers when it died or something.

I do not recall the details of guardians one to four, but I do not think they had any significance. I think I vaguely remember a few of these guardians appearing as character from classic monster movies, but I cannot be sure as my memory of them is fuzzy. All I do remember is defeating them with easy, breaking the seal and moving on to the next level. I breezed through the first four guardians, though I maintained a serious concentration on what I was doing, even as I became more and more powerful.

The fifth guardian was not so easy. I was shocked to discover that it was non other than my patron goddess Sekhmet, in her fiery war goddess form, leonine head and all. She could have easily killed me, being a goddess and all, but she did not. Instead she played with me like any feline does before they consume their prey. Sekhmet bit me several times and tore off chunks of flesh from my body. At one point she tore off my entire right arm. She ate all of the peices of me that she took.

Every time Sekhmet bit me or ripped something off my entire essence; my mind, body and soul, were consumed with such an intense burning that I could think of nothing else but that sensation. I stop short of saying it was painful, because while the sensation engulfed my entire being, it also felt that I was metaphysically connected to everything in the universe when I felt it, if that makes any sense. I did not hate Sekhmet for doing this and it seemed that I loved her more and more, despite the burning, as she slowly consumed me. After she took my right arm, I was willing to surrender myself to her, to be completely consumed, and indeed that is just what I hoped Sekhmet would do.

Instead, something happened that I can not longer remember unfortunately, but I not only regained by lost body parts (and completely healed of all injury) but my regeneration seemed to surprise Sekhmet, who had, for the moment, ceased her attacks. Not surprised as in upset surprised, but more that she was either impressed by it or she just expected it or something. Either way, she just smiled a secret smile and the fight continued.

Again I cannot remember what happened next, but somehow I bested Sekhmet and won the fight. I am not sure if I actually defeated her with my own strength or if she let me win. She disappeared into the mandala on the floor (with another one of those secret and knowing smiles on her face) and I was offically complete my quest. Despite my victory and though it was something I knew I had to do in the dream, I felt absolutely devastated at what I had done, as I felt that I had just killed my patron goddess. I collapsed on the broken seal were Sekhmet has disappeared and laid there and cried.

After a while I reluctantly got up and walked through a gate that had appeared at the far side of the chamber. When I walked through I found myself in an ethereal plane where everything was magical and dreamlike. There were solid objects I could step on, but most things were colourful, transparent and glowing. It seemed to be perpetual night there but the stars shone like every colour of the rainbow. I seemed to be alone there, but I felt as I did when Sekhmet had been biting me: connected to everything in the universe.


I wandered around in that ethereal magical place for some time, but the dream eventually fades.