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I wake up after around 7-8 hours. Still slightly tired I force myself to stay awake remembering the intention I had set the night before to attempt a WILD. I meditate while listening to a 6.5 delta binaural beat for about 25 minutes, starting with Zazen, then moving to chakra activation exercises. In all including the meditation I was most likely awake for about one hour.

Supplements: Siberian ginseng and D-Phenylalanine.

I lay down, I take three pillow and make a incline so my head is resting higher than usual. I attempt using a 'astral projection' brain entrainment audio file, but the MP3 player keeps shutting off prematurely, so I just take off the head phones.

I do several methods in succession. The rope method. Imagining myself floating above my body. Imagining myself floating around the court yard outside and jumping around in the ocean. Some chakra Focus. Imagining seeing myself from above my bed, I did this by sending out a sphere from my forehead, I imagine it to be carrying my consciousness. I imagine a small sphere floating around my body, this generates that pulling sensation which accompanies many exit methods.

After maybe a few seconds or a few minutes of seeming unconsciousness, I suddenly pop back fully awake. My body seems filled with energy, I am not sure if I am dreaming or not. At first glance the room looked so accurate and distinct that no hint was given of anything being amiss, I decide to do a reality test, I look at a jar filled with yellow highlighters on top of my tv, all of a sudden one started spinning in circles in the jar. I then look at a towel hanging from a hook on a door, all of a sudden it starts to move and wave like it was being blown by wind. This convinced me I was in fact already in the Lucid dream state and I could get up now.

I get up and move to the window, then jump out of it. The scenery looks nothing like what actually exists out of my window. I was on one side of a large valley around a quarter of a mile wide, it was bright, clear, and sunny. There were green trees, grass, and bushes everywhere, there were also a number of large elegant brick houses on either side of the valley. There was a dirt trail that passed right by a small building to my left, by a curve in the trail was a small tree that drew my attention by its picturesque quality, it had a thin stalk, was perhaps 9 feet high, and had a thick upper canopy the shape of a Frisbee. My vision was perfect, I could see across the valley and observe in detail the particular features of each house, all made of red brick, some with differing coloured doors, window shutters, vines, and other adornments. There is a group of men quietly arguing, each dressed in work clothes of some type, there is maybe 5 on each side, they run up and scuffle with each other, it does not strike me as that big of a deal, just a bunch of pushing, they did not seem to wish to hurt each other, nor did they even glance at me once. I decide To fly over to the houses in the distance, a lift up in the sky, some 6 feet and slowly start to drift toward them, the sensation is highly pleasant. I get very close but the dream fades.

False awakening; I am again laying in bed. There is extremely vivid music playing in the room, I first think that perhaps someone is blasting music in the next room, this strikes me as unlikely, I quickly conclude that this wonderful and ongoing music is a product of my dream, I considered it a very nice treat, the song was wonderful, melodic, sad. It was either the band snow patrol or something very similar. I have trouble getting up, I Repeat the mantra Om-ah-hum and strongly focus on my body, I will it to solidify, at the same time I focus on my breath, the breath has become a efficient state anchor for me because it is my main point of focus during formal meditation sittings, I become more focused and mentally unified. I get up after some spinning I think, outside, as I go through the TV room I notice that the black coffee table is huge, nearly five foot tall and 5 feet across with bunch of extra level on top like many office work tables have for keeping files close at hand.

There is a break in my memory. I am walking around outside; I decide to test some ideas. I focus on my subtle body, I distinctly feel energy where I focus, first on the stomach then on my heart region. I chant a mantra, this has a strong effect and my body seems to vibrate, it seems to resonate on the buildings and trees around me, a sense of power comes over me.

There is another break in my memory. I am walking down a road, I start to narrate what I am doing. "walking, stepping, there is a house, there is a tree", and so on., in order to greater facilitate memory consolidation. I come upon a very large brick house, it has a sprawling multi levelled concrete with several children playing jacks. have a short conversation with them and then start to move into the house, here i think the dream faded again, memory gets hazy.

False awakening; I am in my room, there is the music again. It takes a little to get out of my body, there is a lot of spinning and trying to jump out and upward. Some how I am behind a old rusty building I am talking to a man, it is dark, and I think it is snowing. I see a old friend and become very happy.

No clear memory how I get here. I am in a parking lot, I am running incredibly fast. Across the parking lot is a large store, maybe a Target or something.

No clear memory how I get here. I am on a typical suburban street, it is dark. two men stand by a car in painters uniforms, I walk up and have a short conversation, one asks "why are your eyes so blue?", I say genetics I guess. I thought that was a unusual question for a dream character. There is a fire I think in the yard contained by a steel barrel. I ask a lady "what she is" and "if she knew it was a dream", but I do not recall here answer. While walking away she says something that sends a chill up my spine, but I do not recall what that was now.

There is the memory of a few more false awakings, but they are wholly out of any context. There was more music, I seemed that every single false awakening during this dream sequence there was wonderful music, I hope that continues, that is strange because music is relatively uncommon during active lucid dreams, but it does happen occasionally.

I laid down at 5:46 pm for the attempt. I awoke at nearly exactly 8:17. I want to say I was lucid the whole time, but memory lapses make me unable to account for all of my time in the lucid dream state. I awoke feeling energised and very well over all.

Awoke. Did 30-40 minutes of Zazen. Used theta 6.5 Binaural beats during first 20 minutes.

Supplements used.

Amino Acid. D-phenylalanine

Vitamin B Complex

Siberian Ginseng

Laid down on bed. Listened to "astral projection" Binaural beat" for ten minutes while doing exit methods. Then I took off headphones.

Methods Used. Rope method. Steam method, where one imagines oneself floating out of the body and hanging above it in the air. Visualising Body filling with light. A variant of the Lesser right of the Pentagram for 'protection'.

After 20-30 minutes I suddenly become aware of peculiar sensations, first tactile, then auditory hallucinations.

Convinced I am in the transitional state I attempt to float above and roll out of my body. The process worked, I end up crawling along the ground, slowly my visual sense comes into focus, dark images become distinct forms with colour and clear outlines.

I am in my apartment, given the sensation of leaving the body, I decide to look around to see if the 'dream' apartment mirrored the physical word, after a few moments of looking around I see that things are very different, most notably A dedicated chess/checkers table in the corner, also the main coffee table is much smaller, and has a wood colour top quite unlike the black one residing in the physical apartment. I make my way outside through a glass door. The city is almost unrecognisable, the sea is much closer to the apartment than in real life, the city looks dingy, old, and decrepit, instead of houses, the structures are more akin to barns and are located haphazardly along the flat land and hill, with seemingly no community planning, I can see the paint is peeling, the weather is grey but it is not night. I think to myself that perhaps this is how the town is going to look after some extinction level event. I walk to the shore line, my body becomes heavy, my sight is wavering, I take a moment to enjoy the scenery before falling to the ground. As I think about it, this may be how the town looked along time ago and not in some down cast future time.

I am in my room again, I seem to be in my bed. Not sure if I am awake or not, I do more exit techniques, when I feel my body morphing and floating upward I know it is time to get up and walk. Again I am in my apartment, I move into the bathroom, I look around and see my things are all out of order, my toothbrush is in the wrong place among other things. I jump out the window. It is sunny, things look much closer to how they should be. I pick up a piece a trash off the ground and throw it into someones window to test my accuracy. There is not one person to be seen. Again the sea is much closer than normal, I move toward it but soon fall into blackness.

Again I wake in my bed, not sure if I am awake or not I again do the exit methods until it is clear I am still dreaming. In the black state before images started to form I was treated to some very nice music, it was the type of music I enjoyed, alt rock, but the song and band was unknown. Again I leave out the living room. Again the sea is much closer than usual, not only this but the porch was overlooking a large precipice, water was crashing into the rocks below, the foam went back into the sea. The sense of its aesthetic beauty of the scene uplifted me, its complexity, its scope, pleasurable feelings radiated through my mind. "Now this is art!" I said to myself, I watched it until the dream faded again.

Another False wakening. Memory lapse. I find myself in a small restaurant not knowing exactly how I got there. There are people eating, I watch their conversation, one lady is my 5th grade teacher, the other lady I did not know. Feeling hungry I grab and eat a slice of pizza, slightly worried in doing this I may chew on my physical tongue, I still ate it, the taste was subtle, the temperature was moderate, it was enjoyable. I have a short conversation with the owner, offering more food I think. Again there is a sea, The restaurant is located on a isolated road along a mountain side with a forest of high trees on one side of the road and the water on the other. I see two people as I walk along the road, I say to one person "I do not know if you are real, but I am happy to have someone to share this scenery with", I do not recall him saying anything but he did smile as I recall. The dream becomes dark, my body becomes heavy. I fade into darkness.

After another false awakening. I walk along the road, it is sunny, there are many very nice green plants everywhere, the houses all seem quite normal. I ask for my 'guardian angel' out of curiosity to see if anyone would show up, no one showed up. I see and enter a large luxurious mansion located by the sea, I look around for a while, wishing I owned such a beautiful house.

A Lapse in memory occurs. I am walking through a field, there is green grass, the sky is bright and blue. There are two girls walking toward me, they get on a swing set. I say "Hello I need help, I keep blacking out". They looked at me vary curiously. I explain "I am a human, I am dreaming, I am having trouble keeping my dream stable". They ask cautiously "are you a LVB", they explained that this meant a 'lower vibrational body'. I was a kind a anomaly to them, a strange being, they knew I was a traveller in this world and not a resident, and judged me a bit for that. I had the strong intuition of individuality from them, the idea of doing something awkward like touching them without asking seemed unthinkable, they were too 'human', too 'conscious' seeming, I spoke with the utmost respect to them, I offered my hand and again asked for assistance, one girl lightly touched the top of my hand. The dream starts to fade, I go down to the ground and grab at weeds and grass seeking to stimulate tactile sensation, the grass was very green, there were also clovers.

Bits and pieces which have no orientation in context, the memories around them are seemingly gone for now.

It is dark I am spinning.

I am in bed, my body is vibrating.

I am at the dinner again. I pass by the kitchen where they are playing music.

I am in bed there are voices talking around me.

When I awoke I was exited, yet mentally tired. Even some 8 hours later I still feel completely mentally out of it, very strange.

The first part kinda takes place several months into the future. I just got an Xbox One (yes, I actually want one) and a bunch of games for it. I hooked it up and started playing the new Zoo Tycoon... or I was about to, but my stupid dream self never quite got around to it.

The second part was kinda like a rerun episode of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody and I was in it. We were in a zoo (maybe I jumped into the game?). Cody and his mom were looking at animals in a pond, but Cody was sad to see animals in captivity. He found a way to raise the water level and free the animals. As he is doing this, he does an inspiring-sounding voiceover and the dream ends.

I was listening to binaural beats, but I woke up before the affirmations kicked in.

I was crawling into my room. I was halfway in, then I got stuck. Then I was unable to move. I then looked up at my computer. It was at this moment I relized I was dreaming. It was off. I then saw a force field hover over my body. Then I felt and saw strong vibrations throughout my body. Amazingly, being so new to this I was able to keep calm. As they increased, I then noticed my computer displaying images while still being off. I remember It was like history was literally flashing before my eyes. It stopped and then I began to levitate. By this time I was so stoked I woke up (not in real life). My brother accidentally kicked me as he was walking down the hall. Probably because I was only halfway in my room. Then, It took a great amount of effort, I truely woke up in real life. I was so happy! After almost 2 weeks of trial and error, I had my first official Lucid Dream. It feels great. I am now a true believer in Lucid Dreaming. Once I get the hang of this, I will move on to Astral Projection!

TECHNIQUES USED:
DILD & BINAURAL BEATS

2:18AM

Short dream about watching a football game in a strange house with my wife. The rooms keep shifting but I see the T.V. UT is beating A&M very badly. The score is like 90 something to 15.

I listen to Relax Melodies app. I set low theta 4Hz with Duduk music and ocean sounds. After about an hour I get vibes but I become actuely aware of the ocean sounds. The waves sound too loud and the vibrations stop. I mistakenly think I am awake. I have a non lucid dreamlet of hovering over a rocky beach. I hear the loud sound again and I fully wake up and turn the app off. I roll over and have many dreams but only remember fragments. I was too lazy to record.

Dream recall from today's nap. More 'dream in dream' stuff.

I was exploring some kind of ancient ruins, there were platforms made of diamond and also some different type of diamond that i knew as 'Crystal clear diamond' which was different in color. I went exploring further into the tunnels and after going through them i was outside and there was a ship, i got on and was talking about something with pirates.
After that i was back at the area with the diamond platforms. I picked up some diamonds for later use, but then suddenly the 'Crystal clear diamond' platform fell and broke apart, i picked up some of it's pieces as well. I went further on and there was some kind of public area and there was lots of people doing various stuff and some advertisement screens. Everything turned into some sort of weird game where i had to stay in the area while literally dodging waves of people to get more coins. There were a few different areas, but i was hanging out in one of the less dense ones.
Later i went to some subway area from there, which still looked similar to ruins. There was shop where i used coins to upgrade my clothing to something blue. I noticed some enemies and i was chasing them through the tunnels. Then dream fades out.
I wake up and notice that binaural beats are over, i take off huge binaural beats generator thing with integrated sleep mask and sound isolation system from my head( ) and fiddle around with settings, i also enable the 'force lucidity' mode, then i get this thing back on my head and fall asleep.
I was at school and i was doing some stuff in huge classroom, suddenly i hear very loud binaural beats for a second from the 'force lucidity' mode i activated earlier, i immediately recall that i was planning to try to stand/move on all fours to help with transformations. And so i did, i stood up on all fours and started running, i am quick and it is really easy(I think my body changed physically, but visually it was the same) and quite awesome, i run between a bunch of DCs and then i break through window, fall down a few meters and land. I keep running and look around, i am in the ruins area from before, i decide to try transforming into a dragon again, but no dice. I then run(still on all fours) through some open door and then around a few rooms, but then dream fades out.
I wake up, the binaural generator is out again so i take it off(and forget to do an RC), i memorize recall and go to a different room, the room was empty and i was waiting for something or someone around the door. Then dream ends and i wake up properly.

[Saturday, September 15th, 2012]
No dream recall- due to drinking, stoning, and overexhaustion after a night with Alex. :\

+

(Taking a nap around 2:00PM)
(At this time, I'm extremely relaxed from listening to binaural beats, meditating, stretching... almost to the point of being in a trance. I decide I'm too tired to read anything else, so I close out of my book at page 106. I face the speakers playing the binaural beats towards the bed and lie down. Then realizing that binaural beats won't work unless coming from different ears, I turn them off and just lie there. I lie there for what seems like awhile and my consciousness starts slipping. I can feel that I'm falling asleep in waves- and my mind will run off on a thought tangent and I'll stop myself before I totally FADE. But these tangents started becoming more real... and more in-depth. Slowly, the thought tangents were becoming mini-dreams. In the middle of each mini-dream, just like each tangent before, I would catch myself from falling asleep completely... by now stopping and thinking, "THIS IS A DREAM!". The first dream I remember was the Baby Coyote dream... there were more before that that I had become lucid in too, but I don't recall them.)

Alex, Nathan, and I are driving down Saguaro Dr. in his Jeep. It's pretty dark outside, but the moonlight leaves a dim outline of the world for us to see. Approaching the turn in to my old home, we see something in the middle of the road. It's a baby coyote. I'm filled with love for this little creature, and I just want to get out and hold it and love on it. Even knowing the parents would probably still be around. After waiting too long, Nathan finally drives off, apparently less impressed than I was. The parent coyotes join the baby and start to walk up my driveway. We drive off a little ways and I say, "Go back! We can still go see them!" Nathan turns around and Alex points out that they are still around, just kind of waiting there. We turn around and head back to his house, Nathan uninterested, but wanting to drive by again for us. Suddenly I realize it's a dream and wake up.

(I wake up with my eyes closed and fade back into another pretty fast.)
<dream recall starts>
I'm with Nathan, and it's around 3-4PM, the sun is shining and we're both in his Jeep driving down Saguaro Dr. We turn into his driveway, and I begin telling him about a dream I just had with us driving the Jeep right by a coyote on the road. Just as I speak my first sentence about it, a coyote sprints across the dirt driveway in front of us and runs into the desert. I... stammer, "Whoa whoa... whoa holy shit..." I look over at Nathan with wide bug-eyes to express my surprise and confusion. Coincidence happens. But I recognize when probability isn't at the right level. I explain, as he continues driving, that my dream had to have been telling me something or telling the future at the most. (Ironically, my subconscious was trying to make me lucid.) We pull up to his house, by his garage, and we start talking. Harley springs up out of nowhere and starts wagging his little tail like he always does. I think he came out of the garage door that isn't closed all the way. Nathan begins to close it just as I'm crawling under it. It's shaped in an almost alien fashion... and it closes as if it's an alien door with metal blinds... but it still comes dangerously close to crushing me. I'm gripped with slight panic as it pushes on my back... but then it stops. I crawl back out from underneath and seem to forget what just happened. Suddenly, the neighbors are calling out to us. I look up and see a small crowd by the next door house, a couple of girls waving at us. Nathan doesn't notice until I get him to look. I wave back with enthusiasm and continue talking to Nathan. I see Harley wag his tail, and notice he's tied with a thin red string to an unfamiliar vehicle where Nathan's Jeep was JUST parked. It's a maroon old-fashioned-esque car. It must be those neighbors or something. Suddenly they walk up from the driveway. It's a soccer-mom and her girls. She talks to Nathan as if he knows her. <memory> Before she leaves, she mentions something to ME about there being a scheduled "thing" and to not forget. The lady then gets into the maroon car and pulls out with her family. I watch them drive off, me being in the yard closer to the tree. I realize I'm dreaming and wake up.

(This time I wake up and decide to try something. The last few dreams were confusing me immensely, but I've gained the ability to "feel" if it's a dream or not. Being semi-awake again, and grounded in my bed, I begin to visualize until I feel I'm ready to induce sleep paralysis. My eyes still closed, I think, "Induce sleeping state, NOW!" or "Induce that state [that I'm thinking about]... NOW!" something to that effect... My whole body begins to vibrate and I can feel that I'm on the edge of sleep paralysis, but not quite there. I set to work immediately.

I began to visualize me being in the middle of a bunch of different scenes, and adding movement for added immersion. The first was a mall... I could hear the people talking... dragging their feet on the ground... but no visuals. I tried other scene's, none really getting me into a lucid dream. Just triggering new thought tangents. I tried again, this time, it was more specific: I was in the mall, but on a fountain's steps lying down. I could feel the sandstone... hear the water trickling and splashing... feel the cool air... I tried adding movement by rocking back and forth... I rolled off the steps and began to fall into nothing.

I open my eyes, and I'm back in my room again. But on the floor... I rise up and see an exact replica of myself sprawled out on the bed... on my back, hugging a pillow to my chest, a blanket's corner covering my eyes. I get so excited that my heart races and I look around the room one last time before my... experience... ends. I my Grandma's the old pendulum wall-clock with the time of 12:30 on the dot. (The clock is a few hours off of real time.) My experience ends and I open my eyes and take the blanket off my face. The clock says 12:31.
(It's around 5:30PM when all of this ends.)

I probably could remember my whole dream, but I'm too tired to try.

On the other hand, it was really fucked up and I woke up gasping (you could say..)

I was being chased by a creature that looked very much like "Bigfoot". We were in a jungle, and I knew there were other bigfoots around too. As I was running, I noticed that I could push the trees down as I ran. This helped me get where(ever) I was going to a lot faster. I had just lost one bigfoot and then one appeared not far in front of me. I tried to hide but he saw me and started running at me.

Instantly, I was fed up and out of options. I knew I was dreaming at this point and I didn't think about what I should do. Instead, my fear and anger took over and started growling. I raised my arms above my head and I grew about triple the size of the beastly foot man. Suddenly I was on top of him, choking him, hold him down.

The next part is disturbing, so I'm going to stop there. Really don't want to think about it anymore.

Side notes: I think I've been more aware throughout my day. I really feel a change in the energy of my dreams. I just feel like I'm becoming more in tune to my dreams, because sometimes (most recently) I feel like I'm playing a role. It's kind of like I know that I'm dreaming, but I'm playing along with the script. I can't say that I've been "lucid" though. I was lucid in the last dream for a moment to know that I could control it, but then I began playing along again.

The things I've been doing differently are listening to binaural beats (gamma and beta) for a while during the day, and my choline intake has increased.

So, I'm very excited for a break from school and looking forward to my dreams over the next month.

Non-Lucid throughout the entirety of the dream.

Dream starts with me having a guitar jam with Guthrie Govan, one of my favourite guitarists. My parents then drive up to the street in which we're playing and tell me that I need to get in the car because we're going to a friend's house for a pool party. It is a long drive so I fall asleep in the car on the way there.

I wake up at my friend's house, get out of the car and head into the garden, where both the pool and all of the people are.
Everyone is asleep. The sunbeds are at the bottom of the pool, and people are sleeping normally there. The pool has overflowed to an extent that the whole surrounding area is a metre underwater, yet everyone can still breathe. I carefully look around, before wading around the flooded edges , where around ten of my friends are all sleeping underwater. I glance into the clear depths of the pool to see my uncle. He is swimming breaststroke, completely naked. He keeps swimming in circles, never looking up.

At this point, I wake up in my own bed. I look around my room, to see that it is fairly well-lit. There is an oscillating white fan suspended from the ceiling, towards the back of my room. My cupboard is wide open, and tens of small mechanical aeroplanes are peeking out from the shelves within. They are made of silvery metal and are of varying shape. Some of them are even on top of the cupboard. When the fan turns towards them, it blows air past their propellers, making them rotate rapidly. It looks as if they are flying. When the fan moves away, the propellers stop. Suddenly two of the planes fly towards me - slowly, not aggressively. I catch them, and try to see if I can make them fly too, so I throw them back towards the cupboard and the rest of the planes. They both crash gently on the floor, and then I wake up for real.

Very strange and vivid dream - I was eased into this dream with the help of binaural beats (I was testing them out to see if they worked for me, which they seemed to). It says a lot about my awareness that I didn't even realise it was a dream XD.

Comments are welcome - I am new to this so if you have advice please share it with me

From 4/22/11

While listening to 60 minutes delta binaural audio
Body kept jerking, releasing energy and/or resisting releasing
Discomfort, feel sick (am getting sick, a cold I think…yep, I can confirm this days later)
The pads of my feet hurt
Want to turn my head and sleep
Visuals coming and going


Then I do FFEDCIDA practice (Face, Feel, Expand, Dissipate, Coalesce, Integrate, Decide, Take Action)
(I want to add "simultaneous opposites combining"; it feels like it belongs around expanding, dissipating, and/or coalescing)

Muddy orange color
In large geometric pattern in my stomach
Like a cube but more complex, diagonal layer
Unfolding, shifting, almost clunking but that’s not the right word

Thought of being sick as a baby, when I was so sick it scared my mom
Out of control, discomfort, nothing to do, angry at being controlled
Angry and helpless and fucking pissed

Anger dissipating – fast, whirlwinds out
Into nothing, blackness?
It feels like the blackness is almost closing in on it, eating it

Fear…of that blackness, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit
Opulent white swirling energy I used to use when I did massage and subtle energy work to surround myself reaches up and twines with the orange
It feels right
Twining, like oil and water, such different energies. The orange static, the white multidimensionally hued, shifting around, how will they come together? I watch.
What is that white energy? Gratitude, it seems.
Deep gratitude like in the last lucid dream.
It is coming together
This lasts a while

The energy straightens into brown, tree-like texture
Logs almost
But hollow
One settles across the back of my body at my shoulders, holding them strong
Two more down my torso’s sides
Strength
Body feels healthier
Whole body jerks, back arches
One has settled in my spine, up my neck?

Feeling grounded
After getting up, I recalled that when I had used that white swirly energy as a protection when I did massage and energy work, I also put a shell up around it that looked like the texture and color of those logs. I think I got some backbone back.

Apparently anger and gratitude can be a powerful mixture. Mixture isn’t quite the right word, it is as if they partially combust and transform when mixed to make something new. I’d say alchemy but that just sounds too hooey.

not that this whole thing wouldn't to most people.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

This is a complete but rough draft
From a couple nights ago


Spirituality's Just a Clunky Flashlight: Surprise Gratitude

I wasn’t expecting to have another lucid dream. Not since I did the other night after probably years of not remembering a lucid dream. I wasn’t even particularly focused on it last night, I was more interested in the emotional processing of dreams I’ve been remembering.

Before falling asleep, I went into the deepest meditation I think I’ve experienced before. During this meditation I was using audio with delta binaural (as well as other aspects) for the first time. I had used the demo before, before falling asleep and having the first lucid dream in this journal. That was the first lucid dream I remembered in a long time and it happened maybe 3 nights before the lucid dream in this journal entry.

There were many exceptionally vivid visuals that arose during the meditation. I kept coming back to my breath, but sometimes would just give in to the feeling of witnessing instead, feeling like why focus on the breath if that’s not the real point? Being the Witness is. Then I would lose my deeper connection with witnessing and come back to my breath. Cyclic.

I finished the meditation, rolled on my side, and meditated a bit without audio. I jumped when my name and something else was said in my ear. It seemed like a loud voice because of my stillness, but it was a whisper as if coming from a man, a lover, behind me. It was just so real and audible that it startled me.

I fell asleep normally, not trying to WILD or whatnot.

My mom in the living room, then in my room. Us conversing throughout this. Having the sense that I’m both in my living room and in my bed asleep simultaneously. She kind of giggles at me. I wonder if she’s there with me or not, if I’m hallucinating or something. She comes to my room and I’m only there, not in two places at once anymore. My window is open and there is a breeze. I ask her to close it for me; I don’t want to get up. She starts to close just the blinds and I ask her to close the window as well. She does. (Was some man coming toward the window, flying?)

I thought, this is a dream.

Darkness, vague sense of my body and no surroundings, as if I had my eyes closed in the dream. A strong, turning slowly in bed sensation. I couldn’t control it. slowly, over, over, tipping the sensation of falling at the same time. The slow shift ended.

Walking, it is rather dark around me, a kind of muddy and empty yet dense darkness, like mist. Around something, turning, perhaps it was a small gate that I walked around.

The dream felt very ordinary. Almost disappointing.

meditated for a few breaths but then

wanted to experiment with other things

Asked to see my higher self (I don’t think I reflected on the forum thread specifically, but knew it was something I wanted to do.)

A muted gray "wheel of fortune" with different faces on it, spinning slowly. alternating panels of dark grey and darker grey. Thought it was a very fitting image for how I conceive of a higher self intellectually.

Kinda sorta looked like this

Seemed somewhat boring, too intellectual.

I asked to see what I “need to see”. saw a white light in nothing, black background.

Questioned what I was seeing, like, this? Thought of typical images of god as light.

After waking I thought of the similarities to Alex Grey’s God sacred mirror painting. Similar colors.

I looked for depth in the light but it seemed kind of boring. Again, too intellectual perhaps. On reflection, was it the center of that higher self wheel?

After thinking it was boring, another light moved into my vision as if responding to my thought. I realized it had been there but I hadn’t seen it. It was so bright when I started to focus on it. I questioned that this was really what I needed to see, thought I was just making it up. I reflected on the light being there all along, but I hadn’t seen it next to the dullish moon-like first light. The bright light fell onto the dark ground next to me. It clattered and I saw it was a flashlight.

I guess I dismissed it, that is the feeling I have after waking, and felt joy at being lucid in the dream world

I took a moment to feel gratitude and amazement at this lucid experience. I remembered a show I’d seen the other day about dreaming and how the brain comes alive with activity more than at any other time. I saw that clear image of the brain and nervous system pulsing with activity, inside my body. Deep, shimmering, pervasive gratitude hit and filled me.

Similar to the end of this video.

I felt grateful for being in this state and a deep appreciation and almost affection for my body for allowing it. It felt like this state was healing me. It was that awed, blissful feeling in dreams that I desire to experience more.

I looked around and saw a lit up tunnel in the dark distance, like a tunnel for cars. I decided to try to conjure something. What popped into my conscious mind was a baby and I immediately tried to conjure one. (Odd because in waking life I don’t feel much desire to have a baby, though I love to be around them.) The attempt at conjuring was so quick, it seemed to step on the heel of the thought of a baby. I wanted to give it love and feel its love.

A cat had already been walking up to me. Small, solid, short haired. I concentrated on changing it and a baby’s light transparent image superimposed over the cat for a second but that cat wasn’t going away. I thought about learning more about dream control and gave up on the baby thought.

The cat talked in a witch’s type voice. (Funny, now I remember that I had been listening to Ken Wilber the day before this dream and I’d thought about Ken’s voice being grating and nasal, kind of like a witch.)

The cat seemed sinister.

I picked it up, being careful not to hurt it. Held it like a baby, then shifted it into a more upright position. I thought of it being like Chaos, (my loved and peculiar cat that died a few years ago,) but no, not Chaos.

The physical sensations in this dream were very obvious. The light breeze, the cat against my chest and under my hands.

The cat said it wanted a kiss in that same crackling, grinding, deep yet high witch’s voice. I wasn’t sure if it would hurt me or not. I took its face in my hand and held its mouth closed and gave it a kiss.

I remember its teeth and the feel against my lips.

I was afraid of being bitten (the only times I’ve remembered feeling intense physical pain in dreams was when I was bitten. It has happened twice.)

It was talking like it wanted to hurt things. I kind of tuned it out while I tried to decide what to do. I thought it was talking about wanting to hurt a baby and other darkness, I could hear it but I was only half-hearing and half-aware. It kept talking on and on.

At some point I flew low to the ground

That tunnel, somewhat lit, going into it. On my feet now. The cat still in my arms. Did I put it down? I think so.

Fear and darkness, though I wasn’t completely overcome by the fear. I remember looking down to the other end of the tunnel.

The dream changed

Walking slowly through an office
many people at desks in this main room
one man I identify with emotionally as I walk by is creative
he is conjuring a model/landscape of buildings on his desk that rise up slowly and gracefully

much like the Game of Thrones intro.

The young man seemed very creatively developed but he felt stuck and repressed.

I felt myself fading out of the dream slowly, into nothingness. Nothingness for a bit. I hoped I wasn’t coming out of the dream. Heard a sound, realized it was like breathing. I still felt like I was sleeping. Still. Then I tested my breath, tried to change its rhythm slightly and felt the change, felt the air going through my nose like when I meditate. damn, I’m awake.

This dream helped me put my finger on that feeling of bliss that I’ve experienced in dreams many times that is so profound and just expansive and freeing. Gratitude. And appreciation. A deeper love than egoic love, though it is kind of like the feeling of when you first fall in love and everything is vibrant and feels like you’re bursting.

So this is what gratitude is. Fuck. I want to be grateful more! LOL. I’m grateful for wanting to be grateful, even.

So strong. I’m going to practice bringing that into my walking life.

I just felt some gratitude while saying that and it warmed my stomach (where some deep emotional knots are). Gratitude. Wow. God and gratitude seem the same at this moment.

Reminds me of a woman I know who is so vibrant so much of the time. Gleeful in a grounded and beautifully feminine way. She showed me about being feminine in a positive and not fake way, truly feminine. I’d tended toward being a tom boy before that. Well, I still do but I also appreciate that exuberant feminine side.

Now I want to love. Everything. (Dammit, bring back that creepy cat!)

It feels like the gratitude for my body and brain lit up with lucidity was what I “needed to see”. A roundabout answer to a question I wasn’t sure how to ask. Being grateful, I feel in a sense like my higher self, as discussed in the thread.

Since that dream I’ve researched practices in gratitude. Tonglen and others have appeared. My main focus is bringing it to all of my life (waking, dreaming, lucid, all). Now, can I be grateful while being with that cat or other similar darknesses? Yes, I’ve experienced that to degrees. Experienced gratitude along with protective boundaries simultaneously. I don't want to get stuck in "blank gratitude" – not consciously to the extent that I’d hurt myself with it.

The emotional tone of the gratitude in the dream and that came with me into waking life is hit on in the tone of this song.

Nothing In Between by Stuart Davis

Nothing In Between by Stuart Davis

Spoiler for Lyrics:

There is nothing in between us when we sleep
Every night the bliss begins to leak
Nothing in between us when we laugh
it’s something that our head will never grasp

It’s seen in between

There’s nothing in between your joy and mine
It’s all a lot of nectar on the vine
Joy is how my parents were entwined
and there’s nothing in between their lives and mine

We’ve seen

There’s nowhere to hide in the open Reality
Love is so wide, there isn’t a boundary
There is only one eye without any enemy
when you’ve seen in between

There’s nothing in between our skin and light
Nothing in between the wind and kite
Nothing in between our lips and grace
Nothing in between the tongue and taste

It’s seen

(Refrain)

There is nothing in between you and I
Nothing in between blue and sky
Nothing in between us and love
Nothing in between wings and doves

(Refrain)

There is nothing
in between

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID UNDERLINED IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

Spoiler for Past Related Dreams and History:

History

A new experience dreaming the other night. It gave me hope even though I woke in fear. It also prompted me to get off my butt and finally join a forum that discusses such things. First, a little history.

In the past I’ve had a reoccurring dream of family members and others trying to kill me. One repeated every year it seemed, starting at the age of about 8 and ending (at least consciously) around 18. In this dream a calm and intense voice announced to me that my family was turning into monsters. I ran from them. My father chased me (the chase scenes varied significantly, thought it seems that they were always outside of my grandmother’s house, where the dream started). Sometimes I got away, sometimes I fell, and there was one time I thought I experienced death before I woke up. The dreams filled me with terror.

Other similar dreams have often occurred, the main theme being that someone is stalking me and I am aware that they wanted to kill me. Sometimes I’d confront them. Most times it would be an endless hiding and running deep fear experience. Sometimes it was a combination of both. I’ve experienced other variations of this type of terror dream, often including sharks (in college), tornadoes, and tidal waves.
Usually when I wake the consuming fear and sadness and loneliness from these dreams is so very present, infusing me to some extent throughout the day no matter how much I process and release it. It can be exhausting. Ok, pretty much done with the history.


Recent History

A couple nights ago a terror dream was different than other experiences. I haven’t been remembering my dreams as often in the recent past (I started to type recent future, lol). I had meditated right before sleeping with binaural audio that also incorporates other meditation-inducing aspects. It was a pretty deep meditation and a lot more emotional pain than usual came up, but I was largely able to hold the discomfort in a larger awareness and release happened as well. I fell asleep.

Nightmare with Lucid Meditation

The terror dream was a series of people trying to kill me. Each chapter seemed to occur in my current home or a similar one.

One instance was a psychological death of sorts, where someone wanted me to admit something I’d done that hurt them but I knew that if they knew it would hurt them more than if I didn’t tell them. I felt ashamed. As they tried to dig it out of me tears ran down my face and I avoided looking into their eyes. I think I explained to them at one point that I couldn’t tell them or they would be more hurt. I was conflicted and I’m not sure I held my ground (I think the dream changed at that point).

The dream continued, one person trying to kill me, the dream morphing, then another person trying to kill me, and so on. They were sneaky, some trying to lull me into feeling comfortable with them. It didn’t work. I knew. I resisted. After a few chapters in the dream, I became aware that I was dreaming. In this lucid state I tried different tactics.

1. Dream Control

I tried what I now know to be called dream control. Tried to turn my stalker away, tried to make them friendly, tried to make it not be about being stalked. That wasn’t as “successful” as the tactic has been in other lucid dreams I've had.

2. Wake

I tried to wake myself. In the dream I had access to my real memories: I recalled that I’d woken myself from a nightmare as a young child, maybe 5 years old, after frantically trying to wake in the dream and having no success. This is how I remember it. I became aware of my physical body in my bed. I tried to open my eyes. Felt my eyebrows raising, my lids stretching, but they stayed together. I tried to move my arms. They were heavy, they wouldn’t move. Then my shoulders responded. Finally my arms moved. I reached up and opened my eyes with my hands and woke like that…my fingers on my eyelids, having pulled them apart manually.

Remembering the success of this childhood experience, I attempted this tactic in my dream last night while lucid. It failed. Throughout using these wake-myself-up-please tactics,

I would think I had awakened only to find out I was still in the dream. I became identified with the dream and then lucid and aware I was dreaming (usually because I had a new stalker or less often because something else wouldn't be the same as in my home) again over and over after each failed attempt.

First I tried to wake myself by simply willing it, then throwing a large amount of the energy of my desire to wake into it.

Then I tried to feel my body in my bed, to establish a connection like I thought I had in childhood. It seemed that I could feel my body and that I woke. This was the first time I thought I'd woken up but after I “woke” myself I soon discovered I was being stalked again and had not escaped the dream.

Then I tried to not only feel my body but to move my body, however, I found I wasn’t very coordinated and I was flailing. I became afraid of hurting myself or spilling my water on my nightstand, etc.

The cycle of thinking I had awoken and then realizing I was still in the dream (I think called false awakenings?) came full circle at least 3 times, though in my not completely clear recollection it feels like it was more like 4 to 6 times.

3. Lucid Meditation

At one point I tried to meditate in the dream, hold the dream and the fear of the dream in the arms of my awareness so that I wasn’t so self-identified with it and terrified. This was the new accomplishment. A big one. I don’t think it lasted long, maybe a couple minutes.

I’ve been in different meditative states in many dreams, but this one was intentionally, lucidly, induced. Even though it was a meditation initially infused with the desire to escape from the emotions, I'm still goanna break out with a yay! I came to a place where I wasn’t hiding or trying to wake up. I was confronting in an accepting way while still trying to protect myself.

The meditation did not relieve the fear but I felt more me, more whole. At first the fear was very present and perhaps more so. It seems that the fear ebbed to some degree after a time. I remember looking down on my body during the meditation. The dream also may have gone to black and white during the meditation and got a static quality to it, like white noise. I don't remember ever dreaming in black and white, though now that I look back I don't recall any color in the dream at any point. I am skeptical of it not being in color, however, because now it is days since the dream occurred and I only remember snippets. After the short meditation is when I fuzzily think I woke.

I don't remember the sequence of the following parts of the dream. I'm about 90% sure I wasn’t lucid at the time:

I felt physical pain when one stalker was biting my lips. The physical pain felt so…well…physical. It hurt in a sharp way, just as if my dream body was a physical one. That realization is unsettling and also wondrous. Now I realize that both of the times I have been aware of physical pain in dreams was when I was being bitten. Both dreams were at some point lucid dreams, but not lucid at the time that I was being bitten. The other time was a dog biting my fingertips. Now I’m interested in this…why biting? Perhaps this similarity is connected to a pattern, perhaps not. Worth keeping an eye on it and a thought hanging around.

I tried to manipulate the people out of trying to kill me. I plotted quickly as they advanced. One of the people I offered myself to sexually to try to avoid being killed, to distract him. It worked. It was boring and rather ineffectual sex and I ended up feeling frustrated because I wanted more pleasure, even though I was creeped out and scared.

Well, that was long. I doubt I'll want to use the energy to write so much in the future (or try to refine the clarity of my writing so much, gah), but this dream absolutely fascinated me and I felt reconnected to past dreaming experiences after dry spells and inattention. It woke the inspiration.

I think a big part of why it waned was nobody I shared these types of dreams with had similar experiences or seemed to want to dive in. But after reading some of the forum, wow, some of you not only have had similar but extensive experiences. Thanks for reading, I'm interested in learning from others on this site if you want to respond! That said, I also have a very skeptical side and enjoy critical and insightful discussion, though it is tempered by many other sides.

I woke after five hours of sleep and went back to bed using this Lucid Dreaming Binaural MP3 I found. It was pretty incredible what results I found on the first successfull attempt. I fell into a WILD in a way that I had never done before. Usually I just feel my dream body in a scene and open my eyes and it's there. This time, I seriously believed I was still awake. I was a little annoyed that I was and I got up and went to my window and looked out. What added to the feeling was that everything looked just as it did in real life. Usually my dreams have a distinct haze that lets me know I am dreaming. But then I notice that the lights were not working properly. They would change level of brightness and sometimes not even turn on. This reality check kind of destabilized my dream for a moment, but I didn't want to wake, and the sheer will power kept me in the dream for the time being. I walked out in my living room and found the door to the garage. Since I was sure this was a dream I wanted to open the door to another scene. I said that I expect a winter scene outside and opened the door. Instead of finding snow though, and since deep down I knew what was on the other side of the door, I got mixed results. I found on the other side my garage during the winter. It was quite cold and I could see my breath, but no snow. St. Augustine never snows. The garage was very organized unlike it is now, and things were stacked in front of the car entrance. Instead of jumping, I decided to fly outside. So I lifted off of the ground and floated outside and felt the air around me. It seems the flight must have further destabilized the dream for I woke up. Upon waking I found that it wasn't destabilization, it was the intention of the Lucid Dreaming aid I was listening to to wake you up at the end of the ninety minute track. I was astonished to find that it worked so well.