side notes

So from time to time, I dream of this epic chick I've grown to call "HER". She always seems more sentient than other DC's. She always has my back no matter what, and even when I'm lucid, she still seems to maintain all of her qualities. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that she's just a part of me that comforts me when I need it. I don't think she's some special DC, but I do think that she's a girl because of my whole single ordeal, and I'd probably feel more comfortable with a girl than anyone else. Generally she's a blonde chick (I really don't like blonde girls at all, but lately, I've been coming across them) who's just straight up and honest with me. Obviously I see a lot of myself in her, so maybe that's where it comes. Even though she pops up at times of need, and warning in my life, I refuse to chalk it up to that. I think that there's more to just emotions carrying over to dreams.

No recall, save for something that was probably me just waking up briefly (ie. I remember falling asleep, then "waking up" and falling asleep again).

However, I shall endeavor to recall tomorrow's dreams, and hopefully they are lucid.

I believe that one potential dream sign would be finding myself shirtless - as I sleep shirtless, it could potentially carry over to the dream.

so, yesterday i decided to use a bracelet that i always wear as a kind of RC. i wrote some numbers on it figuring they wouldn't show up right in the dream. unfortunately it didn't quite work out - i think my mind has turned that particular number combination into a picture, therefore defeating the number test. i did, however, manage to bring the bracelet into two separate dreams (at least - all i could remember) and actually had a 'wait a moment' and did a RC with my bracelet (even if i did fail). plan on still using the bracelet, but imagining something else on it/reminder to do *other* RCs. also trying to be more aware in daily life. ADA. used to meditate a lot, so not that unfamiliar with the process, just out of practice. also, found myself naturally waking up ~4-4.5 hours after going to sleep - around 12/1230am. wasn't sure if that would be the case considering my wacky sleep pattern (i'm trying to force it to normalize yet again).

4/11/13

Just woke up from an unplanned nap.

In my DR I woke up from FA and I was telling someone, "you see, I just woke up from FA" and proceeded to tell him about lucid dreaming. Got bunch of stuff done and then I woke up for real.

Don't get that many FAs, so this one was fun. I believe, it was triggered by my WILD PM conversation with Allegory. Yup, talking about it makes it happen for me.

Before bed: I was trying to re-program my dream body, for 5-10 mins I imagined sending energy and setting the intent for my dream body to become aware when it had the upper hand (i.e. when I was dreaming)

Result: I am not sure if it was because of this, it actually took me quite a long time to fall asleep, because every time I would drift off, my body would react, for ex. my leg would twitch (I think this is a hypnic jerk?), so I would awaken. Or just as the HI dreamlets began to form, I would realize it and wake up, then go to the restroom, then I would awaken too much. Perhaps my intending was working, but I probably should have used this suggestion technique in WBTB and not when falling asleep initially.

Dream1: Two of my best school friends were playing a kind of game, where each would listen to a song, then share some secret thoughts they had. In the dream I know there are maybe 11 or 12 songs, I remember a certain song, but it does not belong to this album. I cannot remember the last two songs, so my friend goes online to find out which those songs are.

Dream2: Politics again. I see the mayor having an affair with some popular all-night-long party woman, there is also a video of this. I contemplate a lot whether to tell my mom, who supports the mayor, about this whole story. I finally decide to invite her over and show her the video, which shows the two kissing. My mom does not believe any of it and still strongly supports the mayor. What is more, it turns out that she has managed to book a seat and take part in some kind of conference with her favourite politicians.

Dream3: I am looking at photo of one of my favourite teachers, then a former classmate appears next to me, she tells me something. On my other side another classmate2 (DS) appears. Now, I am looking at some jewellery made from semi-precious stones. As I am looking at the jewellery, classmate2 tells me that some kind of pink type of stone is the best.[not sure if such a stone exists IRL], it looks like a mix between rose quartz and jasper. She then tells me that she has some kind of dagger/wand made from that stone and some more info about it.



At that moment I remember that we already have had this conversation in a dream, and I tell her that I had a dream about that. She then replies me that she remembers the dream too. Wow! I go out on the street and begin to tell the story to myself, as if I just awoke and will be writing this in my dream journal. Instead, I begin writing this story on the pavement…

Obviously someone I do not want to meet will soon arrive there, and my friend recommends that I leave the place now. I try to stop a taxi, but it is not a taxi actually, some white old Mercedes with some people and lots of junk in it. I jump on it, trying to use it as a ride to the next station. I get off and fly past some Chinese fast food stall and pick up some chicken skewers, they fly away without paying.



I reach our first home, I am on the street. I look and see my mom there, I don’t want her to know that I am here, so I hide behind a tree. I am waiting but it starts to rain and my tablet is wet, but it is water resistant, and this is a dream so that’s why nothing happens to it. [Really!] I put it in my backpack.

Fragment4: It was during the night and we were in some pub like place. It was 2:30 am and all the shops closed, but the pub was still open. We are outside, I look back at this actually unpleasant place and say to my friends from school “Even though this is a terrible place and we do ourselves so much harm here, I actually love it!”….

During the empty enchantment of dream
ignorant babes are entranced
while the wise, disillusioned, are undeceived;
those unaware of the truth absence,
clinging to their identity, wander in circles,
while the wise yogin, fully present,
knowing the zing of reality,
convinced of the absemce in that very moment
is liberated in the noncontingent reality-matrix

Dear reader, if you follow my dream journal (which, let's face it, nobody probably does), you may have noticed that right after I said I would try to update more frequently, I disappeared for almost a month. The fact is that I realized that carefully writing out all of my dreams was becoming more of a chore than anything else, so I decided to take a break. I am still taking that break, but I decided I should say so online just in case there *are* any people who have taken an interest.

Here are some short summaries of interesting dreams I've had lately:

--Woke up late to class and found some kind of green plant in my teeth when I went to the bathroom. Weed? I've never done weed in my life, but I can't really remember what I did last night. Something related to Wheel of Time, and maybe Girl/Girl Scene . . . ?

--Doing parkour and other badass things with my sister

--Half lucid, I flew to "Central Park." (There was a larger story arc here that I've forgotten.)

--I walk a convoluted path to get to a commercial plane that takes off by jumping off of the branch of a giant tree. I didn't know planes could take off that way, but it's awesome.

I was inn some sort of casino or strip club, it was very exclusive. I was already drunk after playing poker and so I booked a room, put some cash in my pocket and then left the rest and my card in my room, there were 4 of us, 2 girls and 2 boys, I don't recall who. One of the girls was making out with another girl and so not to be outdone, the other girl in our party whispered a proposition to the waitress who nodded in agreement, she then proceeded to dip her fingers in her drink, put her hand up the waitresses dress and started to pleasure her, everyone was so shocked that the room fell silent as we all watched as she brought her to orgasm. I lost my room key and when I approached the manager, he offered no assistance, stating that I could just say I had a room, even though I'd signed a register and the 3 others iin my group also had rooms.

Scene change.
I'm walking down a riverside and as I observe, I see a large dark shape moving beneath the surface, I considered altering my course but it disappeared and so I continued on, I then thought that if I stood on a wasps nest and had to jump in the water, I'd maybe have that to deal with then, so I was at a loss as to what to do. I also thought that if I jumped in the water, the wasps would just attack Joy, even though she wasn't there and I'd have to climb out again to rescue her. I woke up to Joy asking me "Do you want one of these snickers?" She stated she never spoke, I was starving and so I went downstairs for a bowl of cereal.

Scene change.
I was in a snooker hall or at least some place that had a number of snooker tables, I was waiting for a game, Matty Walker was there and we were eating curry, hot curry. When a table became free and I started to get the balls out, I noticed that they were all brown, I went round the other tables and collected all the right balls for a game.

Scene change.
Joy and I were jogging (yeah right) along a sloping path with a high drop to one side, I'd decided that when it was low enough, I was going to jump down and get a lead on her, as soon as this occurred to me, Joy jumped down, it was way too high and she landed awkwardly on her ankle and fell, she didn't yell out or cry (yeah right), but she said "I think I've twisted my ankle. I told her to pull up her tracksuit leg and her bone was literally sticking out of her leg.

Spoiler for Broken ankle:

Similar to this, but higher up...!

She then proceeded to wiggle it about with her hand saying "Do you think it's broke?" I woke up proper.

On a side note, I've just noticed how my recall is getting better...!

I forgot most of this dream already, but I remember getting a key that would allow me to telecommute in a new job.

I will choose to interpret this as my subconscious giving me the key to success in the job search: you can do it!

In the nighttime we have confusion in our
dreams; in daytime we have confusion with our mind—judging, thinking, creating many things. This
is how we pass our life. Being aware or continuing our awareness in dreamtime means maintaining
the same awareness we have during the daytime. If we have no capacity to be in the state of Rigpa,
the state of real knowledge, in the daytime with practice of contemplation, we cannot have it in the
nighttime either. It is the same principle. If we have at least this knowledge of Rigpa in the daytime
with many experiences, then when we use this knowledge in the nighttime it will be easier to be in
this state. We can have more experiences in dreamtime than daytime. So this is the relationship of
practice to night experience.

Dream Yoga And The Practice Of Natural Light

4/3/13

================================================== ==============

[Alright. I'll try to keep this to the point. Forgive my confusing scattered words. It's taken me my whole life to master this level of communication... and I'm still very far from being the Master.

I'm assuming this topic is alright for DreamViews because it ties heavily into my dreams and general life.
And I'm assuming people here will talk to me as if I'm not "psycho". And be quite loving and understanding.
BLESS the ones who aren't offended at my words.

If anyone has read Charles Fort's works, they'll understand what I mean when I say:

In every truth lies the hint of what can be called fantasy, and
in everyone's yarn there lurks something of what can be called the truth.

Please keep this in mind. This is an experience that is a little "off".
It's an experience- incompleted by the knowledge of what it was I experienced.
I'm missing the right way to relate this to you.
I know what I felt, and I know what I thought I understood about it.
That is all. And nothing more. Like many humans, I am filled with pride and vanity.
But I acknowledge that I TRULY know nothing.
I am not claiming to know anything on these subjects.]

All times are approximate.

Please keep an open mind.

This is my experience with Lucy.

================================================== =
__________________________________________________ ____________________________
[Background]

My name is Austin.

4 days ago, I experienced Lucy, aka "Acid" aka "LSD" with my "perfect-for-me" girlfriend.

Her name is Alex.

I love this tragic girl bottomlessly, so much it hurts. But this trip was different than with shrooms.
This time, I caught a glimpse of one of those most peculiar facets of reality.
I caught a glimpse beyond the veil. I felt something else's presence among the two of us.
I think it was what the Alchemists and the Shamans and the Wizards and Philosophers
and Dreamers and Scientists and more... would understand as "Lucifer".

Not many people will understand what I'm about to say.
That is because what I'm going to say CANNOT be put into these helpless words. Not in these hopeless worlds.
Hopefully, someone on these forums who has experimented with altered consciousness-
Will understand these metaphors and will relate. I hope someone knows what I'm talking about.
I will do my BEST to explain them to the others who don't get it yet.
This is why people who are actually on to something- are soon discredited as incoherent or such.
What we seek cannot be put into words. The words will escape you like sand through fingers.
Reminiscent of deja vu. If someone demands you explain these secrets, it won't happen. It can't.
Experience is the only way. First-hand.

Now.

I believe Lucifer can appear as and through different things to different people.
But to me it was or was through the gentle and mysterious lover.
The fiery serpentine chasing me up the spiral staircase.
Lucy was the image in between the mirror. Behind the lights.
She was there- but not in a physical sense. The lights would glow brightly when she was close.

My experience with this "entity" was gentle. Loving. Harshly beautiful. With a tinge of dark.
A hint of mystery. He/she told me things through my girlfriend. Beautiful things.
The problem is- my girlfriend claims that I was lost in a trip the entire time.
Conversations I thought I had between us, were just conversations with myself...
Through my girlfriend. But I'll have to ask for more faith from YOU
that I know that I was talking with "someone" whether it was my girlfriend
or an "entity" of less-than-physical existence. It may very well all have been in my head.
But I'm implying that perhaps that's how this thing works.
It IS all in your head. But at the same time it's not JUST in your head.

Oh man, it makes you double take on schizophrenia and general insanity in the world.
What if one of these people screaming on the street are screaming the truth?

Lately, I've been having these reoccurring thoughts in my head that I'm somehow Lucifer.
I just notice all these similarities to me and the angel they call "Lucifer".
My cardinal sin is Pride. I'm a dreamer, a musician, a lover, a woman and a man.
I don't belong here and I feel out of place. I equate myself to a Lion.
I seek knowledge. It reminds me of the story of the Apple of Eden.

I have a STRONG intuition that I'll meet Lucifer on Lucy.
__________________________________________________ ______________
[Austin]

I was one of those "weird kids" you find in school... That never did and never will fit in.
The quiet, smart, awkward kid. The outlandish kind. But I've held on to my innocence.
Longer than most could- I still have real good in my heart. I still have that light inside.
I feel like I have a perfect blend of female and male inside. I feel almost superhuman inside.
But broken at the same time. Like something is missing. My heart is full, but my roots are dry.
But I have a love for horror. An amorous pulling to the mysterious. Everyone has these things.

But I'm uncontrollably thirsty for knowledge. Wisdom. The way the Universe works, in all her wonder.
I've procrastinated the ignition of my life. I've waited to begin my life-
Just to bury myself in books. Drowned myself in watery facts and ideas.
Pondered for hours on "reality" breaking ideas. Ideas that would make sheep panic.
Ideas that only excite ME. "Maybe the world isn't as boring as I thought," I thought.

My life works in symbols. Archetypes.
The boundless ocean. The mother. The Lion. The female. Green. Autumn.
The King. Duality. Trinity. Clocks, and Stuffed Bears. Dreams. It doesn't matter.
But it does.

I know about the connection between you and I. Through reading, experience with dreams,
books of esotericism, books of all sorts!, and simple observation. It doesn't take a genius to see
That there is someone pulling strings in reality. Watch those coincidences.
Try to find connections. It used to be impossible- Then it became improbable.
Now it's highly probable. I know most of you will take me as insane.
There will be one who takes these words just right.

Lately I've been noticing the insane improbable-almost-to-the-point-of-impossible amount of coincidences.
The Universe was talking to me all the time. I just needed to tune in.
__________________________________________________ _____________________________
[Alex]

She's the most interesting human I've met so far.

She has reason behind everything she does!

If she were an element, she'd be fire. She's a white Tiger she says.
Her taste is deliciously refined. She knows what she likes.
During Shrooms, I noticed something very peculiar.
While everyone else in the room tripped blindly.
She unscrewed light bulbs, turned things upside down.
I saw it. It resonated with me.
It was her act of defiance I think that caught my eye.
Her rebellion against the collection of rules we call society.
Mischievous girl. I understand she'll break my heart one day.
...
She grew up so fast. She's had a miserable life so far.
It beat the shit out of her. Her Mother is a monster. (Broke my damn side-view mirror that bitch.)
She never had a father. (He left before Alex was born.)

I've noticed that she does NOT attract happy karmic events.
If there ever was an unlucky human, it was her.
Her life hands her more shit than most humans would be able to handle.
She is hardened to this cruel world. The pessimist out of us.
But she knows things. She knows how it really is.
I'm wary of her. But just as wary as someone can be
of someone you love more than anything.

Our relationship is confusing.
At times we're like best friends.
Sometimes we're enemies.
Sometimes we're just animals using each other.
But when it's all said and done...
All I want to do is hold her hand and keep her safe through this lifetime.
That is what I'm here to do.
If there's anything that's real in this goddamned life, it's that I TRULY love that girl.
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
[0:00]
We walked into my bedroom and placed two blotters each (piece of paper with LSD dropped on) under our tongues.
We sat around for a moment and began to feel excited and restless. Hence our decision to go to the local convenience store to grab a drink for the trip.
We smoked a bowl and headed down the hallway to go outside.
"Do you want to drive?" I dangle my Miku anime-keychain.
"Mmm... Yes!" I barely offer it, but she barely ever accepts. I become aware of the symbolism in that.

(throughout that day, I had seen the theme of "Lucifer"
sowing itself in and out of the tapestry of reality. Through coincidence. Shit happens, you know, but you'll start to notice that a great deal of that "shit"'s probability doesn't match up with the general idea of probability that society has built. Too many coincidences to be without an explanation. Too much smoke to be without a fire. I'd see pictures on Tumblr of serpents and horns- I'd see references to the Bible and things like that- but there was just so much of it today, more so than usual.)


Pulling up, I asked my girlfriend, "Do you know the story of The Garden of Eden?" ...
"Yeah, I know about that story." She humors me.
"Well... sh-should I trust him? I know I'll have to meet him eventually..."
"I don't know..." She knows.
"Huh." I drop it.

I know she doesn't understand my curiosity. I accept it's just one of our differences.

We grab our drinks- 2 thirst busters, and a pink powerade for me and a blood red powerade for her.

When we get back to the house, giddy and excited, we metaphorically "stumble" through the door.
I mean by that- that we were a little "off" by now. It had been 30min. We were walking perfectly fine.
Talking a little strangely... but perfectly functional. Just a little "different" and "strange".

__________________________________________________ ___________________________________
[0:35]
As we walked back in the room and shut the door, she unloaded a pocketful of things and change.
I pointed it out to her that she was becoming a little more like me.
"It's because I love you." It made sense. I picked up a lot of her traits at times too.

We sat on my bed and loved on each other a little. Tickles, talking, touching, pictures, videos.
It was about an hour through, that we started to feel a little more than just "stoned."
The first stage was the breaking of the shell. The realization that there's more to "you" than just "you."
I watched the clock and became the clock. My awareness controlled how I existed.
Visuals were normal. If a little more relaxed. "Diffused" is a good word. "Unfocused".

I stayed consciously aware of what I was feeling constantly. It was creeping up pretty slowly- but it wasn't anything like I had felt before.
I could "feel" it coming on, as I could with other things. It felt like... a drop-off. A cliff.
It felt like I was hanging off the side of a great cliff, dangling over the abyss from a rope.
Alex told me several times throughout the trip that that's how I "felt", as if she could feel what I felt too.

We immediately went to work with our music playlists that we had planned out. I'm usually the one who spends time thinking about the future (making playlists for acid trips is a good example of this), but Alex surprised me this time by being prepared. Notice this coincidence.

She listened to her music first. Of Monsters and Men. The Head and the Heart. Modest Mouse. Bright Eyes.
Amazing music. But it left me wanting something more familiar.

On to my music. I felt around with my ears the following: Gorillaz, The Beatles, Vampire Weekend, Arcade Fire, Radiohead, Panic! At The Disco...

Oh, such beautiful things tucked away neatly in these songs. A word to the wise:
Alot of these bands know what they're talking about. They know what I'M talking about.
It's all in the music that we listen to- secrets. But remember that words can't describe what I've seen.
But music is a better language for something like this.

Take note that "Lucifer" is constantly associated with things such as "light, music, beauty, etc".

Well back to the trip. By this point, another hour has passed. I had been on the brink of tears countless times now from what I'd seen
and momentarily forgotten.
(Amnesia sucks. I have reason to believe my human is plagued with holey memory. I hope to one day find out why. Probably heavy fluoride in the pineal gland.)

__________________________________________________ __________________________________
[1:15]
Now, me and Alex just wanted to talk again.

She told me about what laughter was for.
She told me that:
"Love is strange- If you get too filled up with that wonderfulness [love], it'll make you sad. You need to let it out every once in awhile.
It's meant to be shared."

My god! Right in front of our eyes. Laughter was the human mechanism for sharing love with the world. The letting out of steam.
It was biological as much as it was just... oddly metaphysically organic. I mean by that... ... no. I'll have to leave that one for you. It's a mechanism of my higher-self as much as it is my human.

"If you start to feel sad... it's because you need to let it out. Share it." If there's one thing I held on to throughout my trip, it was this.

Countless times I felt that well of sadness rising up. I pushed it down by laughing at how wonderful everything was. I just looked around.
I laughed at how crazy I was for thinking I was talking to the devil. I laughed at how impossibly-obviously it presented itself to me.
I laughed at how all of my favorite bands had all of the answers to my questions- but in code.
I laughed at how awkward my soul piloted my human. I would lean into kiss my lover, and land somewhere else and just laugh.
I laughed at how perfect she was. How she always found the perfect thing to say to me. It was like a storybook. Like a dream.
Like I had always wished and wished for. She completed me, like a puzzle piece. How curious.



My soul wasn't very good at integrating me into society, in general, I observed.
I just have never understood the importance of fitting in. Never in my life.
If I had a finger to point... it would be at my soul.
From what I understand...
He should be the one who deals with matters spanning over the 4th dimension... over and outside of time.

But...
I am him. I just sometimes forget.

__________________________________________________ __________________________
[1:45]
Alex.

She was different now. She was still her. But now with a mischievous grin. Cheshire was smiling through my love's face.
She walked like a Goddess, like a perfect little hipster indie kid. (I think that's what I would incarnate as if I were Lucy.) [I'll call her Lucy.]
She pointed to my antique clock and told me the face was the surface of a pond. She was pointing at my symbols. She knew what it meant to me. She knew I had always equated myself with the element water. She knew my personality was watery in itself.
"It's like a dirty pond with scattered numbers."
She knew about my shaky relationship with time.
The pond represented me.

She got up and stretched. "Man, all this damn water." ...again, referring to ME.
As if she had finally seen the real me.
She said it as if just arriving there to that moment in time, before flashing me a grin.
Again, I got the impression of being in the presence of a Goddess- in the flesh. She knew I knew.

She analyzed my life so far and hit every nail on the head. With such grace and the perfect hint of mystery to keep me there. She talked about my innocence and my attachment to my inner child.
I have a stuffed animal, a tattered old bear- she told me that my child was beaten up.
My innocence was hurt.

I think I feel the need to use the word "her" because I was still clinging on to egos. I was afraid to be one with this. All the warnings.
All the damn warnings from humanity. Avoid the one they call the devil. I struggled within myself against it.

"It's like a bunch dolls in a dollhouse." She referred to the bodies we inhabited.

At this point- my mind was so far in the "strange". My nerves and senses were totally "not-normal".
I didn't think of it as, "Sight" or "Hearing" or "Feeling"... it was more of a five-pronged color wheel of general sensation manifesting itself as a big picture. I mean... My senses began to blur into one sense.

And the trails. Oh my... There was a mesmerizing soft blur behind any sort of movement.

I also began to notice catching weird alien thoughts in my own head. I felt like I was tuning in on Alex's thoughts.
I STILL can't figure out who it really was that first wanted that cigarette. Also...
I would look at Alex with a question and she would verbally respond.
Me and Alex began to slowly realize something. Not that we were melding consciousness. But that we already were one consciousness.
I was getting my first understanding of what "Duality" and "Unity" truly meant.

I spoke incoherently, akin to Jack Sparrow. I was trying to grasp an idea.
It was being relayed to me from outside of my head, that's for sure.

But here's a metaphor to help you understand what I mean.
Sometimes, if you stare directly at something...
It vanishes.
But if you learn to look with the corner of your eye.
You might get a better glimpse.

If I thought too hard at an idea, it would run away.
Same with Lucy/Lucifer. If we chased after her, she would vanish.
She would stop amusing us. She had a tendency to sneak in and out of our trip.

And then something happened... she tried to get me to kiss her. She had that devilish look in her eye.
I... recoiled. I subconsciously knew that what I was dealing with was indeed very heavy. It meant something.
And I needed to be perfectly conscious so I could make a decision. These cautious thoughts were definitely mine.

I know what LSD can do to you. You have to keep your mind clear and empty or else you'll convince yourself of something.
I decided that this vision or feeling of dancing with the devil was TOO persistent to be a simple delusion.
I might be an odd human, but I know that these was DEFINITELY something more to this than delusion.
Truly, there's some truth in my yarn. But I kept a clear head so that I would feel the feelings as they came.

I was forced to make a decision of a life time. If I went through with this, I had a feeling my life would never be the same. But my life was always so boring... I kind of ached for it, you know?

Vampire Weekend summed it up perfectly:

"It’s not right but it’s now or never
And if I wait could I ever forgive myself? "

I finally kissed her back, pushing through my hesitation. It WAS just my girlfriend.
I kiss her all the time. But this time it was mixed-up, fearful, and hesitant.
We lost ourselves in our slow kisses for awhile. And suddenly...
for JUST a moment, I woke up from the Matrix that we live in.
I realized in that moment that I was NOT my body... or even my mind, for that matter.
Whatever I really was, it was "green" and "bright" and "vibrant" and "full of love".
She was more "grey" and "scarred" and "hopeless" but "wise" and "full of texture"
The best way I can describe what it felt like... I was an amorphous living "thing".
A giant changing organism of "light". I felt MYSELF (I'll capitalize when I refer to our higher self.)
brushing up against my lover... in an alien landscape, in alien bodies. It was more beautiful than anything you've ever experienced.
It was scarring to someone who wants to remain ignorant. I now knew.

She knew I had finally seen the true HER. SHE was disfigured and bruised from the horrors and disappointments of her lives.
I held her body close and radiated an infinite love that she had never felt before. She knew I knew. She knew I loved her regardless.
I didn't get to see any specifics, but I know that we've known each other intimately besides this life. Same with all the people in my life.

We cuddled for a little and loved each other. I accepted every little part of her, and she accepted every little part of me.

__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
[2:00]
We laid in my bed and stared around my room. It was as if I was my soul, checking up on my human. My room was a wreck.
Disorganized and messy. I scolded myself. My eyes caught all these symbols that I would have never caught.
I looked at my long hair and saw my female trying to claw her way out. She was desperate to be seen and pet.
It was tragic. I felt a little drunk- by that I mean that drunken feeling of trying to walk. A great happy cheerfulness filled me
despite my slight lack of coordination.

I had to go to the bathroom though... I was afraid to be away from Alex, so I hesitated...
"I REAAAALLY need to goooo."
"Okay, I'm going now."
"Alright baby, here I go."
"I NEED TO PEEEE."
(I said all of those... probably 20 seconds apart. Stalling.)

I worked up the courage to break away. I drifted like a ghost down the hall.
Once in the bathroom, I got on my knees and peed close to the toilet (a strange habit I'd picked up years ago).
I got up, and checked myself out in the mirror. My pupils were huge. I could see my soul showing through my eyes.
It was beautiful. I always thought that was beautiful. Enlarged pupils are subconsciously attractive to me.
Then I returned to Alex. We were both thinking about the same thing now. Ourselves.

We both stared at our vessels with self-love. She began to talk again,
"You know... I never really got why people are so against this." I knew she was referring to our self-love.
"If you have what you have, what's the point in Not loving it?" -She continued while eyeing herself with love and a hint of lust.
I did the same.

Sometime throughout the trip, I stripped naked and watched my body closely.
It was so... gorgeous. My male and female energies were so balanced.
I marveled at my body's hips and legs, and my shoulders and eyes.


(I'd always had a deeply ingrained disgust with egoists.
Egotistical people had always disgusted me. They were never going to grow, because they were so weighed down by their own empty weight. My religious Dad pointed out that I had pride in my eyes, countless times through my childhood. He made sure I knew it was wrong.)

(But... I couldn't find an argument to this one. I had always thought myself and Alex to be extremely attractive.
In a different kind of way than what society could see. I would walk by a group of girls, flicking on a switch inside.
I would think confident feelings, I would KNOW that I was sexy... and the girls would always look my direction and blush.
I had that power. Everyone does. And if it's already there... It's just a matter of turning it on.)

__________________________________________________ __________________________________
[2:30]
Alex had to go pee next. It had been 2 1/2 hours now. She left to go to the bathroom...
But I found myself following close behind, as if I were going to the bathroom as well.
As if we were going to share that experience. I paused and realized that I couldn't follow her in there.
She chuckled at me and left.

I realized I still needed to pee! I normally was very "good" at holding my bladder.
But this time felt different. Seconds had passed since Alex left the room.
"I don't think I can wait." I said to myself, alone in my room.
I panicked when I thought that perhaps Lucy had something to do with my bladder un-control.

Then I realized it. I wasn't feeling MY need to pee. I was feeling Alex's need to pee.
I had already pissed. Now it was her turn.
Only catch.
I was going to experience her turn.

When it finally dawned on me what was going on...
I began to squirm and struggle to hold in my bladder-
While I was experienced pee-ing.
I could feel it so clearly. It felt good~
But I was unable to enjoy the relieving feeling due to my panic.
It reminds me slightly of orgasm, but just a hint.
I'm proud to say, that I LSD didn't make me piss

I continued to squirm, until she was done.
Then I walked out of my room and met her at the door to explain.
She grinned at me.

__________________________________________________ _________________________________
[3:30]
At about 3 1/2 hours.
We fell into the bed again, and fell entranced by my ceiling light.
It broke my popcorn ceiling into a crystal kaleidoscope.
It began to glow intensely. We lied there in that room staring at that light forever.
It was so fucking beautiful. I could tell that there was something "more" to the light.
There was something "behind" the light. "Inside" it. "Outside" of it...
Wait no... There's no word for it. "Within" would be the best fit.

Lucy was close-by. The light vibrated. The ceiling crawled.
The room came to life. We were coming to a peak of the trip.
Alex snapped me out of it.
"Don't let it take you away."
What a strange thing to say, I thought.
I'm sure she knew what I felt.
But I looked away and broke the spell.

Our gazes returned shortly after.
She gasped- "I can see your heartbeat in the ceiling."
Both of our jaws dropped. It was true. The light was pulsating to my heart.
We were pushed back against the wall and the bed... HARD.
But it was because of how incredibly beautiful and powerful it was.
The entity.
... ...
She joked for the third time, "If this is the peak, I'd still be disappointed."
I laughed at that challenge to Lucy.

We sat up from our bed, feeling like we had lived an eternity in moments.

The green curtains had crawling vines. If you relaxed your eyes on them, they would move like crazy.
I could also see aura around Alex. Her's was red.
She told me mine was a bright green.

By now, we had abandoned words for the most part. We both realized how much easier it was
to communicate in "soul-speak", in thought, and in feeling.

__________________________________________________ __________________________
[4:30]
We walked outside. Oh. My. God.

"There's a world out here..." We both gasped. We were coming down fast.

But that one moment when I first experienced nature... our SUN, the neighborhood.
I will never forget it. It made me gasp in my female's voice. It was THAT powerful.
I was powerfully aware of our position in the solar system. That big glowing thing in the sky...
It's in a very basic sense: "Alive".

Fire is... "Alive." Plants and animals... they're "alive and conscious".

My only metaphor for this... would be...
There's these Mexican candies... I forget their name...
But it's a plastic container, with this spicy/sour chile mango
Squishy candy inside.
You squeeze it out through the top and it comes out in strands.
Like squishy red grass.
The inside of the container is primal life. Life in it's most basic form. Before it's manifested in this world.
When it's squeezed out, it seperates into egos and distinctions. Each little blade is a different manifestation of the same thing.

(Matter is alive too, just vibrating at a different level. But I digress- back to the trip.)

My lover and I sat beautifully in our bodies. I followed her to a spot in the shade, out of the morning sun where we found our perch. Watching the school children and other humans waking up, and going to school and work.
We sat there and watched, understanding that they may never know the things we know.
They may go their whole lives and never see the truth.
I began to grow nervous that people were walking about as, well, we were tripping balls in my front driveway.

I shook it off, "Ah fuck it. A school bus of children could pass by for all I care."
A school bus passed 6 seconds later. Me and Alex eyed each other and knew that Lucy was still with us.

We had a conversation between a human God and Goddess in my front yard about the tops of trees.
She pointed to the top of the pine tree before us.
"You know, the tops of trees are my favorite parts of trees." She spoke softly.
I thought to myself of whether there was symbolism in what she said.
She paused before saying, "It matters."

She reminded me of plants. I had always wanted to communicate with one. I cupped in my hands a yellow flowered weed next to me, and I closed my eyes. I felt something. But not very strongly. I felt impatient.

"You want to go inside, don't you?" I had a feeling.
"Yeah..."
"Well... can we wait out here for just a second?"
"Yeah, as long as you want."
But I couldn't fully enjoy it, now that I knew she wanted to go inside.
I asked one more question... It was aimed at Lucy AND Alex.
"You aren't going leave me... are you?" The insecure little girl I had once been was asking.
I began to tear up and almost cry at the thought of being disconnected from this in the future.
I don't remember her answer. But it was good. I remembered to laugh, so I wouldn't be sad.
So we got up and walked inside.

__________________________________________________ _____________________________________
[6:00]
It was approximately 6 hours into our trip, more or less.
Lucy was still here, but in a less HERE way.

(INTERJECTION: The overwhelming clarity of LSD is so strange to experience, in stark contrast to the drug propaganda out there. Do not listen to your government on matters like this. You have to trust your heart on this to know if you're ready for something like this. I was ready. I've been waiting for this day my entire life.)

Now I wasn't talking directly to Lucy. I was talking to just my Alex.
She noted that I had been talking "past her" for the past few hours.
That I had, in reality, been lost in a sort of trip. But I know what I experienced.
I have faith in it. And I will not let the world shake it out of me like they do to the rest of us.

Back to the experience. I confronted another demon of mine.
My occasional lack of passion. My lack of red and orange and yellow.
My lack of masculine energies.

Alex was calling me to her. She stretched her beautiful body in my bed, like a cat.
I knew her body wanted mine. I knew her animal ached for mine.
But I am not the normal male. Not the normal man.
I didn't feel like a wolf ready to take control.
I was unsure and awkward. I felt wrong every time I tried to force a passionate kiss.
I couldn't fake passion. So I sat there awkward.

I don't know how many Panic! At The Disco songs I heard before it happened.
(Panic! was playing on shuffle the first time we made love.)

She took control. She pushed me against the bed. She has what I don't have.
I tried to fight back... but she was too strong for me.
I quivered and moaned like the female I felt.
She touched my body and made me feel powerless.
I began to tear up in fear and quiet submission.
Oh, it was then I felt real passion.
This is one reason why we're like puzzle pieces. We match.


Sometimes I curse myself for being born in a male body, when I'm so obviously not.
But I understand that things happen for reasons. Perhaps I chose this existence to make amends
with my masculinity.


I'll skip out some pretty details.
But there was passionate kisses.
"I can see why humans do that." She smirked along with me.
It was a physical means to elicit a reaction in our souls. It was a way to communicate.
We were trading delicate feelings through lips.
Two aliens; two children of the stars-
experiencing what it was like to love as humans.
Oh the impossibly mad love.

Once I felt that passion in my bones...
The man in me awoke. The wolf.
I grabbed her and forced her down like I wished she would to me all those times.

!@#$%^&

I came earlier than I wanted to and I sat in shame for a minute.
Alex knew what my look meant, and she told me that she had felt amazing regardless.
"So why worry?"

__________________________________________________ _________________
[7:00]


Alex eventually fell asleep.
We cuddled together and held each other close until then.

Then I was alone.
I moved to my computer.
I was compelled to listen to "Colorblind" by Counting Crows.
It was an anthem of my human and soul, specific to me.
It touched my hurt that I had accumulated as this specific human.
My awkward un-belonging. My prison of skin. My lack of color.
(Books, the only thing I had found solace in before... can only show you black and white.)

I cried my eyes out. I couldn't fight the sadness back.
It all poured out. I was terrified of how deep the feeling was.
I went to Alex and was about to shake her, when
"I'm fine." was sung.

I knew this was a sign from the Universe to let her sleep.
I was fine.

(The Universe or Lucy or whatever it was... sometimes sends me winks.
"Coffee black and eggwhite." is a line in that song."
My best friend's Dad just poured me black coffee and handed me an egg sandwich while I've been up all night typing this.)

It's truly a humbling thing to know that your entire life is a part to a play.
It's just a dance. It's put together very delicately, with lots of love and care.
But sometimes if you REALLY look closely, it's like a movie.
We all have a part to play. Dolls in a dollhouse.

__________________________________________________ _______________________________
[End?]

So that's my story so far. At the same time, it's all of our stories. We've all met Lucifer in one way or another. It lives inside of all us, whether we like it or not. It's all a matter of becoming aware of it.

I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. Just sending a message out in a bottle.
For most of you, you most likely will categorize me as delusional. That is fine.
This is just an oddly fascinating and fantastic story to you. But I have faith in the dreamers.
I know who I'm talking to. They know who they are. The right people will answer me.

It's all just simple math. What I'm talking about sounds magical... but it is very real.
Perhaps, one day it will be considered common knowledge. Accepted science.
But until then- we need explorers who are willing to chart this new frontier.

__________________________________________________ _______________
[Some of the other things Lucy told me through Alex...]

"You don't belong here. You feel it too, don't you?" I had always felt that.

"You're a very very VERRRY special, human, Austin. I don't think you realize how special you are." I knew this was truth, but it felt like a dirty truth. It felt wrong to say and obsess with. I know I'm meant for something big. But it's not all about me.

"You're INCREDIBLY beautiful." She stared at me sometimes... just as I had stared at the beautiful light.

"You've been waiting here, an anomaly in this world. Waiting for something alien to return you to your home."

[I also "realized" a few things by myself.]

I saw that most the people I called friends, were actually entities I knew outside of this human life.
A few of them I was "tied up to" or "chained to" with karmic debt.
My best friend is VERY pushy, and if I don't listen to what he says, I feel a backlash of negative energy.
I'm starting to realize that I actually am VERY far in debt to ALOT of people.

I also found that I was meant to go to a certain concert in California called Coachella in the middle of April.

I realized on my own that I'm destined to be a famous musician. That sounds horribly egotistical.
But you'll understand if you're ever in shoes like mine.


And lastly... I started the apocalypse. Maybe it was me individually, or me in the general sense of humans.
But when I came out of my trip, instantly I saw new signs of chaos.

This whole Korea business became frontline news. I've seen and heard ambulances every day here since.
People have been talking about the upcoming war in America. People have started making plans.
I think I might move to Seattle eventually. I have a feeling it might be safe for me.
Since me and Alex are both extremely drawn to this city.


__________________________________________________ ______________________________________
Please... if you're curious or have questions, please ask.
If you have something to add to my experience, I would certainly appreciate it!

It's a wonderful world out there, dreamers. Get out there and feel it for yourself!
For all you wisdom-seekers, may you find what you're looking for.

Obviously, when we awaken from a nonlucid dream about a jerk, the reality of that situation vanishes like smoke. Since the dreamed person was nonexistent, the label "jerk" was also imaginary. When we view people so narrowly, whether in dreams or waking reality, we invariably decontextualize -- placing absolute labels where no absolutes exist. The true context for all persons and objects is interdependence. The condition of dreaming, whether it be in the night or in daytime, subsumes a form of ignorance where we can easily misconstrue appearances. Dreaming invites us to become deluded. We can either go with the flow or wake up -- check it right there and realize that although the object as we perceive it appears to be real from its own side, that appearance is illusory.In terms of our normal mode of understanding reality, analyzing phenomena in this way turns everything on its head. But even if we are, at this point, thoroughly convinced that "all phenomena are nonexistent," our present understanding is only conceptual. In Tibetan Buddhism, conceptual understanding is likened to a patch on clothing that sooner or later falls away. It is the habituation of the practice of daytime dream yoga that will allow our understanding to deepen and prepare us for an awakening that encompasses both the day and the night. To quote Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche -- one of the most prominent Tibetan lamas who taught in the West -- "All dream yoga is based on the one-pointedness one can maintain on the illusoriness of experience by day."

The Daytime Practices of Dream Yoga | Reality Sandwich

Total sleep time: 6+hrs

Dream recall method: key words;

Other: Weekends can be so loud, tried WBTB but woke up bf instead and he began walking around. To make it worse neighbours contributed with lots of noise, waking me abruptly, my last dream memory was completely erased.

HH: the melody of my toy when I was very young

Dream1: I was talking to a friend of my mom and her son. We then together dye eggs. I am supposed to help them, but I do it wrong. They tell me you have to put the eggs in boiling oil otherwise the paint won’t hold. What? Her son, who is about my age, comes to me and starts caressing my shoulder or something like that. I am not very at ease with this, although the feeling is nice. This is a somewhat awkward moment, I don’t look at him but instead try to think of a question to ask him to stop him from being so close to me, and his mom is watching this. This feels weird.

Dream2: was in deep sleep (3:00-3:30 hrs after falling asleep); some very enjoyable dream, but have no memory at all; just a feeling of happy elation

Dream3: Out of the darkness, I see some kind of music clip that begins to play, the sound is everywhere. It is a very pleasant music, relaxing, resonating everywhere. The video is very appealing to me as well, some wise Indian men in their city, their daily life, the camera travels in the city. I like it a lot, watching the video and listening to this nice music.

Then, I become part of the video and it is a tour of Honk Kong now, I see the skyscrapers. I am in some kind of bus and the inspector comes for my ticket. I start looking for it, but it is not in my pocket. While I do that some things of mine fall on the floor, the inspector picks them up. I finally find some kind of ticket and show him, he smiles and goes on his way.



[This is the closest style to the music I heard, the melody was different]

Fragment3: My dad was angry about something…My parents are there, I tell them I want to buy two plates for myself, very beautiful ones, but as I point them out the plates change shape and become bowls…My parents say no…I am disappointed.

Two work related fragments, one about my actual current job and one in a different job setting, both about database work:

In my actual current job I dreamed that I had taken over a task and the person requesting it changed to unreasonable expectation: wanted it done by a precise time every week, and this task required me to request DBA to run a script which I do not have access permission to run, and thus to mining was not in my control, and yet the expectation seemed to be that I would be responsible. Out of some reason in my dream this script had to be run manually and could not be automated to ensure precise timing. In my current job precise timing does not matter like that in waking life. The request seemed petty.

Another fragment this one from a job which I neither have nor have had yet, also required running a script with data administrator permissions, but in this dream I actually had the database permissions to run it. My boss assigned the task to me, and person requesting it wanted someone else to run it as routine and me just as backup. Why? Because this other person had routinely run such scripts before, whereas I had not. I argued that what's so hard about running a preprepared script: you open it up, and press Execute. Person requesting it: yes, but have you run such a script before? Me: No, because I have not had these permissions before, but I have run many other scripts, and it works the same way. Also even before I had the permissions I had full understanding of what such a script does just no permission to run it. I did not persuade the other person.

Side note: I just had two job interviews which did not result in job offers, and thus I continue my job search. Self confidence is essential to a successful job search, and I struggle with it at times.

Interpretation: Even though in both dreams the requestor is an external person, I think that in actuality what those dreams are about is myself having unreasonable expectations of myself and blaming myself and not having enough confidence in myself - being too hard on myself and not self-assured enough.

Interestingly enough every job search I ever had went like that, and I am not successful until I accept myself, and thus present myself in a way that others can accept as well. The question is just how quickly will that happen this time.

During day: (RCs + DS)x10

Total Sleep Time: 7 hrs

Dream recall method: D1-D4 – keywords in notepad; tried to recall D3-D4 somewhat when going back to bed; D5 –straight to tablet after final wake

Dream1: I am back to our first home and live with my parents again. It is late night and I just came back from somewhere. A former classmate has organized a meeting at 12:10 (evening), so I want to go there. I tell my mom that I am going out, although I know she won’t let me. She doesn’t say anything and I take this opportunity to leave as fast as possible. But instead of that, I start preparing to go out and it takes me a very long time, I go to the restroom two times, and it’s 12:50 already. I finally leave and hope that my friends are still there. They are meeting in some kind of a bar where they serve sea food. I head in the direction of the place and try to call the organizer of the event.

Dream2: I am in our first home again, this time in my room. It is dark outside, a few lights are on. I am in the bed with Cal Lightman. He looks terrific, there is not a single wrinkle on his face, a perfect radiant complexion. I feel attracted to him. Since the light is on, the neighbours can actually see me, so I go to the window to block the view of whatever may take place in my room. I can see that there is someone in the nearby building that may actually be watching, so I try to adjust the curtains. That’s not easy at all because the curtain is constantly changing and does not cover the entire window. Once I am satisfied with the result I go back to the bed to Cal, but he is not there anymore. I see an inflatable boat on the floor. It starts to self-inflate and I try to hold it back from expanding in the whole room.



Fragment3: I am in some kind of disco bar most likely with my boyfriend and some unknown DC friends. I start mixing the drinks. I order twice an “amaretto” drink which is more like an alcoholic chocolate mousse. I pay in banknotes that I lay on the table: 20, 10, 10. I have left 2x10 for me, which should be enough to cover another round.

Dream4: In some house with my bf. My mom is there as well. The agreement was that I can sleep over in my bf’s place, but instead I change my mind and decide to spend the night at my parents’ place. My bf is somewhat disappointed but I tell him I will come by in the next few days.

I am in a large building that has been made to accommodate a museum. I am wondering which floor to go to. I see a large painting on the wall and the signature of the artist or some kind of title. I read it out loud. My mom corrects me and pronounces it with two different accents “Exhibition of the composiccion”??? [end]

The alarm wakes me up, 1 hour before my final desired wake time. I visit the restroom, note key words, and have an average desire to lucid. I go back to bed, trying to review the last dream but I fall asleep.

Dream5 [DILD, ToTM]: I am in my old place and am looking through the window. I see some guys carrying a strangely shaped case, I am almost sure that there is some kind of weapon in there. I look back to inside of the room and suddenly become lucid. My bf is sitting on the bed behind me, but I pay no attention to him. I feel a bit as if everything is submerged in invisible water. I look to what is in front of me and a small dog appears in the room. It looks like pug breed type and it moves around really fast. I find it hard to follow it with my gaze. It transforms and is now another kind of puppy with brownish fur. I remember I should try to interact with the dream, grab something, so I grab the puppy and caress it a bit. Then I remember that I have to eat something for ToTM. [IRL I thought it would be easier to lick something, but completely forgot it in the dream] I look at the puppy, which is quickly transformed into some strange kind of meat left-over, and I wonder if I should eat the puppy? No way I eat that puppy, or whatever it is now! I get slightly distracted as next to the ex-puppy leftover is some wool thread and I have a strong desire to thought-lift and make it twirl around. I focus my eyes on it and try to move it, but I feel some resistance. I manage to move it a bit but not the way I wanted, I give up.

Still with the eating ToTM in mind, I look frantically around, I need to find something to eat and think of going in the kitchen to look for something. At that point I turn around and I see my bf eating bread. I think, bread ? Too plain, but whatever! He holds the very last piece in his hand. I tell him not to eat it. He mouth-feeds me the piece of soft white bread and I chew it slowly. It tastes like bread. I become very suspicious because of the intensity of the flavour and start thinking that while I am dreaming, my real boyfriend could really be feeding me with some bread and laughing at me. I ask my dream boyfriend if that is the case, but he denies.



Since I am still not awake I decide to do the only other thing I remember – try chanting Om. I go into another room, this is a completely different place now. I am by myself here, there is something wooden and green maybe the window frames, 2 lamps hang as low as my chest. I try to chant omm, but some shriek-like sound comes instead. I feel like this is not going to work. I hear another sound and then see the door to the apartment moving by itself and banging as if moved by the wind. Perhaps I should close it? But then my expectations start to build and I know something or someone is behind the door. Some DC quickly enters through the door, initially the shape of my bf, but it is not him. I don’t want to have another chase ruin the LD, so I try not to pay too much attention to him. At that moment 5-6 DCs enter, behaving a bit menacing they are walking towards me. I try to change my expectations and their reactions. They kind of slow down a bit and are somewhat more manageable so I am pretty happy with that.

I walk out of the apartment, through the door and find myself into something like mall or maybe inside a big store. I see a section where they sell semi-precious stones, some one-piece bracelets made of stone, like jade. I really like what I am seeing. I am starting to lose control over my own actions, perhaps being too happy with the dream. The DCs are following me now as I make a few steps while staring at the precious stones section. My subconscious turns on the music and I start singing a song cabaret style “Lucidity, the dream is fixed, lucidity” and joyfully march a few more steps. [end]

The dream collapses and I find myself in darkness, closed eyelids. I remain still and try to DEILD but can’t reconnect. I begin to feel sleepy so I decide to wake up before I forget everything. The dream memory feels more evasive that usual and I barely manage to hold on to it.

Final notes:I am confirming the best time for my DILDs so far is the last hour before final wake (with 7-8hrs sleep). Today I allowed myself an hour sleep to possibly LD instead of my somewhat successful snooze DILD experiments.

Another thing I find important to note is stabilization. My DILDs last long enough and there is really no need for me to rush like a crazy monkey, compromising dream stability and later recall. Next time: take it slow!