side notes

I had been reading about spuulements and vitamins for dreaming. I decided to try B6 (100 mg) and Magnesium (250 mg). I think they helped make the dream very vivid and thankfully I did not expierence the nightmares that people say comes with it. I will continue on with this for a while just to be safe.

I fell asleep at about 11:15 and tried going into SP. Although many people say it can't be done all of my vivid dreams seem to happen very soon after I fall asleep so I try to enter a dream from sleep anyways.

I had a bunch of vivid dreams my first REM cycle and woke up at about 2:30. I recorded them and attempted a WILD again. This time I felt even closer. My head started vibrating like it was doing a workout and the rest of my body seemed to melt into the bed. I really could only feel my head and was just starting to work on the breathing but I fell asleep. I think if I would of focused on re-entering the dream right then I could of made it.

I was rudely awakened in the middle of my REM cycle by the wind slamming my door shut. It was about 4:45 and I couldn't recall any dreams I was just having besides a couple of fragments.

Woke up at 7:30 and couldn't remember anything else.

Oh, hello.

I didn't know anyone still visited this dusty old place... There's plenty of tidying up to do, that's for sure. But in the Spirit of Procrastination™ I've created a (completely free) blog/resource that is relevant to my interests!

*link preemptively removed*

I have plans to re-write entries as pieces of fiction and post them there occasionally. Of course, that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what'll I'll eventually be doing. Most of you won't care, or be interested, but that's where my future guides (and ones not featured on DV) will be popping up, along with other insights that might help you achieve or understand lucidity in a new way.

If the staff is cool with it, I'd be more than happy to share these resources on DV, but it's not worth getting banned over.

Of course, the blog won't be all about lucidity, as restricting myself to a single topic would get boring fast....

Anywho.

Cheers!

P.S. I know "advertising" isn't allowed. There used to be a clause that allowed linking to free off-site resources, but I guess that's been nixed. Hence my preemptive removal of the link. If anyone would like to discuss this matter with me, I'll clear out some space in my inbox.

Over there,
Where a vacant lot densely filled with tall weeds,
Stood a tall tree for decades.
Villagers nearby had a strange story of a lost child, strolling;

“Ma… where are you?”

“Ma… I miss you.”

A motherless child blankly cries for its mother.
People tentatively speculate
An abandoned corpse lies beneath the tree,
Waiting and wandering

Mama……

A small tree at the time of a child’s death
Burgeons into a luxuriant tree.
The taller it grows,
Higher and farther a child visions.

Mama……

Avoiding and whispering
Supposedly about the damned tree.
Villagers feel the eerie note to a child’s voice;
Enamoring adroitly.
A warning goes into one ear out the other,
I look up for this infamous tree.

At the top its companion
There is a child wearing a raggedy straw hat,
Incessantly gazing at one place;

Mama……

A pitiful child with
Lingering attachment and memories
Still has eyes full of tears

I haven't posted in a while.
It's kinda difficult to find the time to do so with my current health issues. (It's nothing too serious I think, but it impedes me from doing activities that require a decent amount of brain power)
The few moments where I feel alright and I'm motivated to write, I spend it trying to somehow finish my masters thesis in time.
It's quite frustrating to know that it is going to take some more time until this will be resolved, because apparently it's perfectly normal to have to wait 10 weeks to get an mri done in this country. :/
Then again, we got fantastic healthcare, so I shouldn't complain.

Anyways, I don't really have the motivation to properly write down things that have happened in relation to the Templar story arc, but I figured I'd at least post something.
Something that is much easier to write.
So here's a random dream from last night which I thought was really cool, though I now realize that I'm going to have a hard time explaining why.
It's weird how that works, sometimes a seemingly normal event can be very emotional in dreams.



I'm in my bed, trying to fall asleep, when I notice that something is off with the lighting.
Normally my room is really dark at night, there's a few very faint green and blue lights from a switch and a file server in the room, but that's about it.
You really have to navigate the room by memories (if you don't turn the lights on), because it is too dark to make out anything.
But for some reason I can distinguish everything clearly, even though it's all pitch black.
What a contrast!

Fortunately I know this look very well.
Dark dreams! In my dreams darkness is usually compensated by a ludicrous amount of contrast, so I can see very clearly, even though it is really dark.
It is rather astonishing how many shades of black there really are, and how easily they can be distinguished if you aren't limited by the human eye.

I get out of bed and start exploring the house.
I don't bother thinking about my current situation or dream stabilization because I'm under the impression that I'm fully lucid.
This is however not the case.
I'm not thinking clearly, as I would in a "fully" lucid dream.
Yes, I'm aware that this is a dream, but I'm not thinking about doing cool stuff. No epiphanies or anything.
Just a mindless zombie strolling through the house, hoping to catch a glimpse of something extraordinary.

Once I am downstairs I notice that the scenery outside has changed rather dramatically.
This is not where my house is in waking life at all!
I go outside to explore more, and find that my house is now placed right next to a rather large lake.
It is perfectly still and reflects the sky like a flawless mirror.


Cool!
I start walking over it, something I often do in dreams.
Walking on water is really pleasant, if you do it barefoot that is.
The water is really cold and I get chills up my spine during my first few steps.

The sky is cloudless. It is perfect! There is no light pollution whatsoever. What a sight!
But then I realize that I'm not really lucid.
Or rather, I realize that I'm not thinking.
Exploring your own thoughts is an amazing thing to do in dreams, and has become my favorite way of stabilization.
If you're thinking clearly, dreams receive a huge boost in stability.
It's also a good way to calm down if you are easily excited.

Anyways, after some thinking I feel like I've gotten my brain to work adequately.
But oddly enough I'm not in the mood to leave this place, even though I am now fully aware that I can.
There is something very special about this scenery, and I'd like to stay for a bit longer.

I take off my t-shirt, noticing that it's a bit odd that I'm wearing one.
I never wear shirts to bed, especially not in the summer.
I lie down on my back.

It feels sooo good. My back touches the extremely cold water surface, which carries me easily.
I feel very floaty and stretch out my arms.

But even though this sensation is very enjoyable, blissful even, I cannot help but feel sad.
Because in this sky I can see so many stars.
Billions of them. And beyond them are billions of galaxies, containing billions of stars each.
And I'm here, on this rather insignificant piece of rock: planet earth.
Insignificant. That's really all I can think off.
In comparison to the size of planet earth we have explored less than a single grain of sand.
I feel alone. I feel stuck. I want to leave this planet.

I stretch my right arm out and grab onto the stars in my field of vision with my hand.
It's odd how I feel compelled to make this gesture even though nobody can see it but myself.
I want to go there one day. I want to go within my lifetime.
I want to explore this seemingly endless space.
But I realize that I have most likely been born too soon.
Why could I not have been born later, in an age where we are space explorers?

...

Well, that is just fucking depressing.
What is wrong with me?
I'm dreaming. It's all about experiencing the unimaginable. It's about having fun.
Yet here I lie, acting all melancholic.


But then one of the stars becomes slightly brighter.
For some reason I know that this is a super massive star that has just reached the end of its lifetime.
Its core has collapsed, releasing a massive shock-wave. A supernova!
During its lifetime it has fused hydrogen into heavier elements.
Helium, Lithium, Carbon, Nitrogen, Oxygen and many more.
And now, as its final act it is launching all of it into the vastness of space.

But these elements will inevitably find others. They will attract each other and slowly but surely clump together.
Some of them will turn into planets over the course of millions of years.
And with a lot of chance, one of these planets will be at a certain distance from a sun.
Maybe another smaller body will orbit it. A moon.
And maybe, if everything goes right, some of the elements this planet consists of will combine in a certain way.
And then there will be life... there will be another earth.
Because that's what life is.
That is what we are.
We are all made from stardust, forged within the cores of super massive stars.

And that is a really beautiful thought.
Because even though we might appear insignificant compared to the vast size of the universe...
we are special!
I mean seriously. What are the fucking odds?

And that makes me feel really great and I cannot help but smile.

Everyone has their own fears... well my greatest fear is the grudge. If i see her, i start to panic, breathe really fast, and start crying... yes I'm a little girl when it comes to the grudge but i try my best not to think of her. But i just remembered a dream fragment from THE DREAM MANSION, my house where i live in my dreams... i was having multiple dreams in that mansion. Well i remember walking around when i see her.. right front of me, right away i start to panic and i think okay just think of something different... focus... make her go away. And she disappeared, that was what scared me out of my sleep. I hope not to see her EVER AGAIN.

Date: 15/06/2012
Place: Friend's bed
Time of getting into bed: 01.10am
Entry written at 3.23am

Dream 1 - Lucid

I am talking to an 8 year old girl (a friend's daughter who I did see earlier in the day during waking hours) She is asking me how to tell if she is dreaming. Several times I hold her nose and tell her to breathe but she doesn't understand. I demonstrate on myself and am very shocked to find I can breathe through my plugged nose. The room spins madly and the girl disappears. I keep thinking 'oh my god, I'm dreaming!' and this sends my heart racing madly. I study my hand to 'stabilise' myself, but the shock of seeing hundreds of fingers on it makes me even more giddy. I am not scared but definately shocked, excited and a little worried. I decide to try and move before I wake up.

My vision is fuzzy and grainy, a bit like a TV channel that has not been tuned properly. I lift my arm to get out of the bed which I now find myself in, but my arm is heavy and there is suddenly a loud 'whooshing' noise in my ears. It is rather frightening but I try to keep calm. The noise does not go away, it is much like air rushing past my ears, or blood rushing to my head. Alongside this my limbs are tingling all over, and feel extremely weird. This is the most intense feeling, I know I am asleep but it really feels like I am in this dream world physically. The movement of lifting my arm sends my body into crazy sensations, and I feel like I am being pulled from my actual body into the dream world. This was a new, and memorable experience for me.

I slowly float into the air, not really controlling my direction but in a general direction I want to go. My partner who is now in the bed I just left is shouting at me angrily. I ignore him because I know it is only a dream version and he is not really mad at me, plus I don't want to miss this experience. I then float gently onto the floor, where I stay, kind of paralyzed. My partner continues to yell 'Get up, what are you doing on the floor! Stop that!' Which is very off-putting. After a few seconds of trying to move, I wake up in bed.

I am paralyzed in bed, and know that I can enter another lucid if I stay perfectly still and keep my eyes shut, however I am so excited that I open my eyes purposely, so I can record the lucid in my DJ. This was a choice as I didn't want to forget my very first lucid dream.

***NOTEWORTHY***
First lucid!
Used 2 x RCs
Was prompted by a DC
Could not move very well
Vision was very poor

Date: 14/06/2012
Place: Friend's bed
Time of getting into bed: 00.00

Dream 1 - Non lucid
We (me and partner) are going through a McDonalds drive through over and over again. Under our car seats are small kittens that are very cute.

Dream 2 - Non lucid
My sister is modeling dresses on a cruise ship. I am joining in but only because I know she will be angry if I don't, and I really don't want to do it. The dresses are bad taste and there are people watching. There are piles of clothing everywhere, my back is very sweaty I notice. A plastic pirate ship style toy boat is large enough for me to climb in, which makes it move in a very trippy way. I am then in the toilets squeezing into a dress way too small for me, there are people waiting to use the toilet but I am holding them all up. An old school friend passes by and says hi, I say hi back and they leave. Someone gives me some cheap, hotel style conditioner for my hair.

Dream 3 - Non lucid
There is a small, dead scorpion on my pillow. I am saving it to put in my ear later. I change my mind and decide to throw it away, in case it stings me.

Dream 4 - Non lucid
I am throwing plastic arrows, but I have no bow.

Dream 5 - Non lucid
I am in a beach style place, and smoking. I throw my cigarette butts on the floor into the sand so someone provides a very tall, green plastic cocktail glass to use as an ashtray. There are no more seats for me to sit on so I sit on a plastic, kids toy car. I am now crying (not sure why) but the car is comfortable.

***NOTEWORTHY***
I do not smoke anymore (quit sometime ago)
I have not seen the visiting school friend for around 10 years.
My star sign is Scorpio.

Foreward
I have only recently, started recording my dreams, thus far it has only been approximately three weeks. I immediately started recalling at least three dreams per night once I made the conscious choice to do so. I haven't practiced any lucidity techniques; though lucidity is, in part, my primary goal; I have found the process very rewarding and entertaining so far. My dreams are often fantastical or in settings that would seem oddly constructed, or vast and otherworldly, and I have found it odd that it would not be enough for me to realize I was dreaming. I am certain of a couple lucid dreams over the years, but if they truly were while I was aware I was dreaming I always acted them out; only once or twice making brief use of fact I was actually dreaming.

I believe this dream was in the first cycle of REM sleep as it was short and the time in the night would support this.

The Dream

I opened my eyes...
I was kneeling inside a dim room, in the far left corner facing forwards. The floors were wooden and there was a large rectangular mirror affixed to the wall in front of me, the mirror just off to my right hand side, it's base sitting roughly half way up the wall. I felt safe, familiar... yet not.
Still kneeling where I had came to, I looked in the dire the mirror and saw my father's reflection. He looked back at me, then it occurred to me I was alone in the room. It was a ghost staring back at me.
But then I realized my father was still alive this couldn't be, and that is when the feeling of panic washed over me.
Simultaneously it occurred to me I was dreaming, but the panic had set in and I could feel my body weakening and the world was growing dark around me. I had felt this feeling before... when I was only a child... I was about to pass out... my body began to fall forwards and the world grew darker still but I was now calm; I was going to hit the wall and there was nothing I could do.
I waited for the impact of my head against the wall, but it never came. Enshrouded and cradled by the darkness I had passed through the wall and awoken lying in my bed staring at the ceiling.

The ceiling above me was the stars, the universe, and I wanted to see it all.
My body started lifting off the bed, up into the ceiling of stars after which I willed myself fast through the cosmos. After, what was probably only a few seconds of travel I decided I wanted to go back to Earth; and experience this amazing feeling of lucidity there. I looked back towards Earth, it was nowhere to be seen; but I knew the direction and slowly my body turned around and started travelling back towards Earth.

This is when I truly awoke in reality, having glimpsed if only for a moment something extraordinary.

'Ello.
Starting the journal since I find that my dream recall lacks details, meaning that while I usually recall an acceptable amount of dreams every night, most tend to be short / I don't remember most of it, or don't remember the details. But when I share my dreams with someone else I find myself writing more, trying to explain things, and while doing this I recall things, and if I start sharing my dreams, then it will also work to empower my self-suggestion of wanting to remember my dreams in a detailed manner.
I'll start by adding all dreams from the past few days, and keep adding my dreams as the days go! Hope someone can find some sort of enjoyment or interest in some of my stuff

Very light, semilucid dreams about League Of Legends fights, all night long from what I can remember. I didn't sleep well, but it made for some wacky dreams. I was just watching RTS battles from birdseye view for hours on end, and at parts I felt like I could take control of my characters. I feel like when I start lucid dreaming, the only way I'll be able to control things is from League of Legends perspective, since it's the only game I play right now. Kind of cool I guess..?

Color-coding: Non-lucid, Semi-lucid, Lucid, [Commentary made while awake]
Bold text indicates a “dream within a dream,” meaning any dream scenes that followed after I dreamed of falling asleep

I wake up in my current bedroom. I can hear the couple who lives downstairs in the master bedroom arguing. The woman says something like, “I have to get up now and get ready for work!” I can't sleep with them arguing, so I decide, “Okay, I guess I'm up for the day now, too.” I get up and start trying to take a shower, but the hot water keeps turning cold because the woman downstairs is taking a shower at the same time. After I'm done, I'm still feeling so sleepy that I decide to go back to bed and try to get some good sleep while I still can. It's still only 4:15 AM, after all. So I get back into bed and go to sleep.

[All of the above paragraph was a completely convincing false awakening that I failed to catch. I've never heard the couple in question argue like that, plus, in the dream, the residents of the master bedroom were the parents of the girl who actually lives there in real life, and I thought nothing of it. :/]

I'm visiting EM and SM's house in Omaha [something I did in real life recently]. It's morning, and we're all getting ready to leave the house for the day. They have a gigantic, elaborate house [way bigger, fancier, and more high-tech than their real house]. While we're in the kitchen, SM says something like, “You haven't had a chance to eat today.” I answer, “I know. That's why I always keep bananas in stock.” I show her that I'm carrying a banana with me, which I intend to eat for breakfast. SM has an eyepatch over her left eye socket, with a cool outer-space vista on it. It's embedded into her skin, and I can see muscles twitching underneath it. It's kind of creepy.

We get outside the front door when I realize that I don't have any shoes on. I say to EM, “Could you unlock the door for me, so I can get back into the house? I'm not wearing shoes, only socks.”

EM takes out a door key and uses it to unlock a lock in a wall, which opens the front door. “The front door” consists of a zig-zagging wall of metal panels that cross a wide, concrete courtyard. The panels that are parallel to the house swing open, toward the house, when the key is turned; they're the doors. I go into the house and run up the stairs to the room where I'm staying, to get my shoes.

When I come back outside, I find SM sitting on something in the middle of the tall, light-green grass on the wide front lawn, waiting for me. She doesn't have her eyepatch anymore; both of her eyes are normal. [This is the case in real life.]

“Wait just a ding-danged minute here...” I say. This discrepancy has caused me to begin to suspect that none of this is real. To test whether I'm dreaming, I turn to face a low rock wall nearby and start walking toward it, willing myself to pass through it intangibly [something I know very well that I can do in dreams]. I find that I can't pass through it; I just bump into it normally. In the moments that follow, I'm very acutely and vividly aware of the world around me, of my own self-consciousness, and of the fact that I'm not sure whether I'm awake or dreaming at this very moment. [I finally started watching the TV series Awake a few nights ago, and this is what the protagonist experiences all the time, a fact which is reiterated at the beginning of episodes 2 and 3. That is so cool, that I got to experience that personally in one of my own dreams! ]

After another moment or two, I do realize that I am dreaming. [I don't remember specifically how or why.] By definition, that means that I am getting some good sleep now, I reflect gratefully. I smile and decide to enjoy myself here while I'm getting that restorative sleep I needed so much.

As usual, all I want to do is explore the dream world, so I start flying up and away from the house. I see SM's car driving away below me, and wave goodbye to her. From up here, I can see the entire city spread out below me, covering the gently rolling hills like a blanket, and it's very beautiful. It's also very windy up there. I think to myself: I've got brains in my head, I've got feet in my shoes, I've got levitation powers in my mind. I can steer myself any direction I choose. [This is a reference to the Dr. Seuss book Oh, the Places You'll Go!, from which one of my contacts in Omaha read a passage to a graduating class while I was there. Hmm. No idea why I thought of them as “levitation powers” instead of “flight powers.”] I try to fly into the wind, which is coming from my left, but can't find the strength to fight against it. I decide to fly with it instead. I think, Why not? When you're going bicycling, you'll probably choose to ride with the wind, if you have a choice.

I end up flying through a neighborhood filled with lots of cute little houses that line narrow, old, little streets that wind around every which way. [Just like in the real Omaha, or, at least, the neighborhood where EM and SM live.] Every front yard has big, tropical-rainforest-looking trees in it that reach across the street, forming the beginnings of a canopy, but not a very thick one. There are exotic, tropical birds in every tree. [Um... not at all like in the real Omaha. ] I fly along, following the streets and admiring the beauty all around me.

[Dreamskip - I don't remember getting from one locale to the other.] I'm still in Omaha, but now I'm in a gigantic, elaborate, multi-story library and bookstore. It has lots of glass walls and ceilings that let in the sunlight, and they're arranged in a square geometric pattern, just like this library. It's filled with lots and lots of shelves of books, and there are plenty of people walking around. I'm still flying to get around, instead of walking. I fly up from one level to another, in search of the section where the most popular books are kept. I want to check one of those books out, but I don't have a library card yet, so I'm limited to buying it. I definitely intend to get a library card when I move there, though. [True in real life, too.]

When I get to that section, I land and start walking. I'm looking for the second book in a series I'm reading. I have to think about it to remember which one it is. It's not the Twilight series; it's the Hunger Games series. [Which I haven't even started reading in real life, but I would like to.] I look through the neat, white, bright shelves and find the book I'm looking for. I pick it up and start walking away with it, reading it. There's a computer kiosk that beeps at me as I walk by. I look on the screen, and it has a written message directed at me, chastising me for cracking the spine on my book. Doing so somehow disrupted the operation of a pacemaker of somebody in the immediate vicinity. [I don't recall seeing that somebody there, though.]

I continue exploring the library, and decide I want to go down one floor, but I don't want to fly because there are lots of people around, and I generally try to avoid using any of my dream powers when there are people around to see me. [Yes, they are just DCs, but I always think like that in my lucid dreams anyway. I don't know why, but I do.] I see a wide, steep, carpet-covered ramp leading down to the level below me, and decide to roll down it.

[Dreamskip. I'm not 100% certain that I was still aware that I was dreaming in this scene, but I may have been.] I'm walking along a city street and see a restaurant that is closed. I'm disappointed to discover this, because it had belonged to my friends. I wander through it, looking at all the debris left in the abandoned building. I walk to a side entrance and go out through the patio, where I see that people have begun seating themselves at the patio tables. I realize that they must have seen me walking around inside the restaurant, assumed it was open, and sat down. I feel bad about it, but I start telling them, “Sorry, it's closed.” They get up and leave.

[Side notes: Heh. I love how my subconscious has turned Omaha into this perfect tropical paradise with an awesome library, a place where everything I saw around me was incredibly cool and gave me nothing but happiness and joy. Omaha really does have a gigantic central library, although it doesn't have that cool architectural design. That part came directly from the library at UC San Diego. I didn't go to school there, but EM did - a fact which I had consciously forgotten about until I told my mom about this dream later in the day. Hmm. Omaha also has a zoo that I didn't actually see, but that everyone tells me is pretty awesome. Okay, subconscious, I get the message: Don't give up on Omaha yet. You may still be able to find happiness there.]

So last night I went to be quite late for a college night (11:30ish) and woke up at 7:15ish, and whenever I do this I seem to have pretty crappy recall

On the plus side, it's been a lovely summers day today here in England! I've been sticking to my one fag a day, which is proving much nicer. I hated being addicted to smoking! I'm aware many people probably would say that if I'm having 1 fag a day then what is the point in not fully giving up, but I disagree personally! To me it's like a coffee :-)

I started my second year of college today, which was pretty good! I have a new, amazing philosophy teacher who has proved very helpful already, and I'm doing an extended project qualification on Buddhism which will be fun too!

Last night, my friend showed me a wonderful video on spirits and chakra, and it's changed my life. Generally, I'm a very happy guy at the moment - it feels strange being this happy after so long of being down!

Tonight, I'm going to set my alarm for 5 hours after I go to bed, as that's proved pretty successful for consistent lucids recently!

Much love to you all, stay happy and love everything!

Calum xx

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening

Some months ago my dream activity was mortally wounded. I went through a lot, I was depressed, lost, unfocused. Meditation went down the drain, dream recall followed suit. I think I regressed to where I was some 5 years ago. I may have gone too fast, too deep, too soon, into the dream warrior world, without enough prep. I probably fought battles which were too tough and encountered dark forces which drained me out of my energy.
So, I'm rebuilding.
Lately my dreams have been a lot about feeling safe in a house. For many, many years, I had recurring dreams about living in a house that was falling apart, whose windows and doors would not close when I most needed its protection. Now the dreams are different. This house where I am now recovering, is big, strong and has amazing doors and windows that seem impenetrable. I feel there's a darkness outside it (still is) but I feel completely safe inside it. I'm rebuilding my dream headquarters and it is a cozy fortress

My parents and I were going on vacation to Alaska. A man—a guide presumably—was planning our Alaska trip, but he was not a professional. Then my dream replaced the trip to Alaska with China. We were in a park with a lot of water or fountains. My dad and the guide were walking ahead, leaving a small girl behind—a female relative, I assumed she was my sister or cousin. She was left behind because, though she might have been full of energy at that moment, she’d be too slow or tire out quickly later on. I picked her up and carried her with us, but carrying her around was rather uncomfortable for me.

We were supposed to go to Star River in China, but we went to Star River on the moon instead. We could breathe on the moon, which confused us. We saw astronauts in space suits, and a pile of poop. I poked it before realizing it was poop. The river was dried up, and had been dried up for years, but the erosion was still etched into the moon’s surface. The guide had intentionally misled us there. Other tours were led to the moon’s Star River instead of China’s Star River, it was a tactic used to waste time. We were disappointed that we were not at China’s Star River. We went back to China, and waited for our turn to take a tour of Star River. We waited in a cafeteria.


Interpretation
The moon, Alaska and poop (it looked like my duck’s poop, which I have seen an awful lot of these past few weeks) were all residue from the day before. The little girl might have represented my mother--after all, she was only there when I did not see my mom. My mother is often left out of international travel plans because of her pain and movement issues. My father, sister and I went to China in March without inviting my mother, realizing that she’d be incapable of walking so much. She was rather depressed the week that we were gone, and I’ve felt bad about it ever since. I sometimes view my mother as a child: incapable of managing on her own anymore. I also need a lot of patience with her, like I would with someone younger. I have been offering to help her more at my inconvenience because I know she can’t manage on her own. I also try to protect her from my sisters’ judgements about her, even though my mom drives me crazy too.

Just words: no time to write more.


- Bunker (?)
- Getting "along" with an ex
- Going to buy something at a store, realise I don't have money, leaving xD
- Smoking a cigar
- Dreaming about working at a radio station
- Dicking around with the (new irl) neighbours (haven't really seen them yet in wake life though, lol)