side notes

05/07/2015

non-lucid - [COLOR="blue"]Notes[/COLOR] - [COLOR="red"]lucid[/COLOR]

“Consulting on the Nuclear Power plant – picking up my new car – TotM”

I am sat in a meeting with my new work-group, or rather I am sat with them and I am suspecting we have a meeting sometime shortly. It is at the beginning of the day and I am just hovering around really, I have other places I need to be in connection with my other project – which concerns youth and alcohol use [COLOR="blue"] (which is an actual IRL project I am working on) [/COLOR]. However I have a feeling that I need to stick around for a bit as if I am expected to stay there.

Eventually the leader of the project comes around, she is a darkish haired short woman, who is pretty and American or English I believe. I tell her that I am excited to be connected with the project [COLOR="blue"] (though I frequently experience a sense of weirdness for participating in a project for constructing a nuclear power plant, which is never really fully conscious and I don't verbalise it) [/COLOR]. She smiles at me and asks if I know how to handle Sheila [COLOR="blue"] (a IRL colleague of mine, who is apparently also on this project) [/COLOR]. At this point we are walking outside the office in a courtyard of grey concrete in the early hours of the day, there is a lot of columns around forming small walkways – it reminds me of the style of construction associated with my old primary school. As she is asking about Sheila we sort of move into the office, without really moving, but rather being moved, or the building starts encompassing us.

Inside I see Maria has appeared [COLOR="blue"](an old colleague from my time in England)[/COLOR] who is also on the project. She is saying that she is excited to be on a project where “patriarchalism” [COLOR="blue"] (the meaning is feminism/social constructionism in the dream) [/COLOR] is employed and that she sees that rarely. I replay “oh really? - I haven't been on anything else but these approaches, maybe it is because people preparing to become clinicians never really take this road?” She concurs a bit and throw me a smile, showing a lot of gingiva and then looks away towards either Caidee or the project leader.

While she does this I get a lot of spreadsheets appearing in front of my eyes. They are interview questions and are getting closed down one by one. The first being closed is the most recent and contains a lot of questions and the more that gets closed down the more questions disappear. I can't really see the questions, but there is a picture of a black female student in the top right hand corner and I see her name is Caidee. I instantaneously know that she is a student helper and she has been involved with constructing the interview guide from the start.

When these spreadsheets are all closed down we are starting to sit down by the table. I am getting anxious at this point because I think we are getting ready for the meeting and I thought the meeting wouldn't be till this afternoon. I take off my trousers under the table and look down at my blueish boxer shorts. I am briefly aware of the embarrassing nature of showing legs and start looking for my sweat pants – I don't know if I ever find them, but I start wearing them regardless – I then look under the table and see my red shorts lying under there. I am surprised as I don't remember wearing these, but I pick them up nonetheless and stand up and look at the table. I see now that Sheila has appeared so I go and sit next to her. I don't know if I will be able to persuade her in anyway or get to know her position in the project as the leader has told me about – in fact I am not even sure what I am supposed to do, but I sit down anyway.

I ask about whether we have a meeting already now and I am told that we do indeed and that it is a weekly thing as well. I mull this over a bit until from behind me Christina appears [COLOR="blue"] (Old school/class mate) [/COLOR] and tell me that she has received the keys from Saab and that they will be here with my car shortly. It surprise me a little seeing as I am not yet in a financially stable position and I don't know why I have already bought a car, but I think little else of it as it was part of the plan. So I grab the keys, which is a massive bundle, with a couple of car keys and 8-10 other keys and I wonder why there are so many.

I start walking down the hallway towards the entrance and Bjarne [COLOR="blue"] (Old friend from childhood/adolescence) [/COLOR] and Rasmus [COLOR="blue"] (Old school/class mate) [/COLOR] appear along the way and talk to me, I can't recall exactly what they say, but it seems taunting or mocking. I get to the end of the hall and enter the lift I notice the button [COLOR="blue"] (yes there is only one and that isn't weird! :P) [/COLOR] is slightly broken, but I press it anyway and I soon find myself outside in the school car park, that is vast and fenced in with wire mesh – and seems more like a car park belonging to a large shopping centre than a school and there is a lot of traffic.

I stand around looking at the cars driving in. There seems to be a lot of black mega trucks or hummers and I know that this probably isn't mine. I can't remember which kind of car I bought, though when a couple of silver grey smaller station cars and smart type cars start entering I get a feeling that my car is definitely silver grey, though I am still unsure about the type, but having a feeling that it isn't one of the completely little ones. A couple of grey cars enter the car park and turn towards me and park. After this a massive black hummer truck pulls in [COLOR="blue"] (which I think look a bit weird, but after googling “hummer truck” this morning I found a picture that looks exactly like the one) [/COLOR]

[url=http://prettycarz.com/odin/gallery/hummer%20truck/hummer-truck-06.html]hummer truck Photo #06[/url]

I start getting bored so I decide to jump on the bonnet of the cars parked making a neat little run/jumping course – and I am thoroughly satisfied with the sounds and feel of pressing down the metal as I jump. I start out with just common SUVs but I eventually land on a Porsche – which for some reason is covered in a fine layer of snow – and the car following that just before the massive hummer truck as a black Lamborghini, which stops me in my tracks as it is so low that I can't possibly get up on the truck – also I am quite surprised to see 2 such expensive cars parked next to each other as Denmark isn't a cheap place to buy a car.

I move around and jump maybe 3-4 cars more before I think to myself [COLOR="red"]“This is something I would do if I were dreaming”. So I look up and it all seems pretty normal, but I decide to do a reality check nonetheless. So I move my hands slightly to the sides and let myself hover above the rooftops of the cars.

Realising I am lucid I start taking to the skys, which is a habitual thought and I quickly realise that I have more important stuff to do than goof around. So I let myself drop out of flight and land on the ground again and when I do I find myself on the side walk outside the wire mesh.

I start walking up the side walk and start looking at my hands. The first basic task is my mission and I have already planned how this one is to unfold. I am somewhat excited though as I have never actually made something appear before my eyes. But I recall the visualisation of making a seed of light appear in my hand – a seed of love and light which I intend to plant in my chest and watch how it grows inside my body – while watching my hands[/COLOR] [COLOR="blue"] (It is fascinating to think that within the dream world a mental visualisation appears phenomenologically similar to how it would in the waking world, as a sort of translucent image appearing in a distinct mental space – which one could easily hypothesise being occupied by running the “world simulation” that is the dream) [/COLOR][COLOR="red"] To start out with not much is happening in my palm which is outstretched palms towards the sky. I see my fingers in a somewhat illuminated light and start focusing. Eventually I see a bright, but tiny dot of light in the middle of my palm and as I am watching it, it grows to the size of a water drop that is perfectly spherical. As I look at it it continues to grow and spikes and sparks start appearing around it leaving a distinct burning sensation in my hand as tiny specks of fire and ice are bombarding the surface of my skin.

Soon a gust of wind appears and rips the seed from my hands and I panic and jumps after it. It lands in a corner where there is some grass, but I manage to find it rather quickly. I then go all the way into the corner to avoid getting disturbed by the wind again. I take a look at the seed, my hand still being illuminated by light that reminds me of dawn. There is no pain any longer and I think of the seed representing compassion and love, as I press it into my chest. I don't feel it entering and nothing abrupt happens. I turn my focus and visual capacity towards the inside of my body and I get a view of the inside of my shoulder, but not much more, and the bright lines of light I expected aren't really there. What is worse is as I am focusing my attention like this I sense the dream world destabilising – so I start focusing outwards. At this point the dream is gone, but I am armed with patience – I have experienced this before, I maintain my focus directed outwards – although I am also aware that it would be irritating only starting half of the TotM task and not see it to fruition (literally ;). [/COLOR] [COLOR="blue"] (In previous dreams over the years experiencing this sensation would normally have led me to feeling disappointed and accepting the disappearance of the dream. However in one of the first lucid experiences since Ayahuasca the same thing happened – the visuals faded and I was left with nothing but internal and auditory stimuli – but here I just decided to wait instead of waking up and soon after I was pulled back into the dream world, albeit in a different spot than when I left)[/COLOR]

[COLOR="red"] I get flashes of a white rugged wall, it is plastered and I reach out to touch it and I sense it with my fingertips, but only very briefly. I start sensing the light of dawn characteristic of the dream world I was just in and I feel myself pulled back in. SWEET! I am back on the side walk and I decide to not focus more on the seed, I had already thought about the fact that it might take longer to grow than within a single dream – planting compassion and love in my own heart will still be an interesting theme to watch unfold over time.

So I start walking up the side walk to find a tree. I am however conscious that I would prefer finding a tree surrounded by nature, but looking around and having no experience with teleportation or portals I think I will have to settle for one of the trees by the side of the road.

I find a tree not far away, it is a very short tree and the trunk of it is very strange in that it narrows a lot towards the top, almost needle shaped. I place my hand on the tree and it feels chilly, not cold to the touch and I can feel the texture of the bark against my fingers, very authentic. I notice a curved line heading diagonally up from bottom left to top right on a point on the trunk. There is some dark green slime around the line and I wonder if the tree is forming a mouth. The slime should look unpleasant, but it doesn't – in fact it seems rather natural. I look away and at the tree again and the line has widened, though also thinned out a bit. The point is the changes to the line isn't gradual but jolty.

I think I look at the tree a couple of times more watching the line change, but it still isn't speaking to me and as I am about to give up hope and look away I hear a deep bassy rumble emanating from the tree.

“You cannot, help me – even with your flatter and good intentions.”
Astonished I turn around and face it.
“but I can help you” it says.
“How?” I ask as respectfully as I can muster, which isn't difficult as I feel very humble even towards this young tree standing amidst the concrete.
“We trees see things humans aren't equipped to see” it continues.
“Amongst our roots we keep closed the gates of hell”
“Humans aren't prepared to see this – they would freak out – but we trees have watched this for ever.”
[/COLOR][COLOR="blue"] (I have taken some artistic liberties with the sentences, for which I don't recall all of them exactly, though they were perfectly linguistic, which excited me – though the meaning of the words is represented exactly as they should be. I felt it more important to convey the intelligence, wisdom and almost all encompassing and physical presence of the tree's intentions directed at me)[/COLOR]

[COLOR="red"] I thank the tree and wonder exactly how that is a help to me, not negating it – the message felt important to me, but I think I might not be able to fully grasp it yet. [/COLOR] [COLOR="blue"] (upon awakening I got the feeling that the tree was trying to help me with one of the TotY – visiting the underworld, though I am unsure if there isn't a deeper more personal/spiritual message enclosed within as well). [/COLOR][COLOR="red"] I take off into flight thinking I have done enough tasks for now, wanting to relax a little – after briefly considering doing the painting task, but giving up cause I don't feel like finding a painting at this point. However I then again think I might not have completed the basic seed task as I haven't seen anything grow yet – I quickly glance inside my body again, but don't really see anything – more a sort of translucent view of my shoulder again. And look outwards. The skies are tuning dark and I land on a rooftop covered with old roof platings. There is a lot of moss growing on the platings and I think it might be a good idea to conjure up more of aforementioned seeds so I start doing that.

The seeds seem more vigorous and self determined than before and start flying out of my hand spinning, when they have reached an appropriate size. I still feel the burns of the sparks and ice shards. One of the seeds actually jump up the slope of the roof and enter a crack between one of the platings under a ventilation hood.

I stop producing seeds and just look at the crack and wonder if there is enough soil and nutrients for the seed to grow. After a little while slowly a thin rolled up green leaf appears from under the crack and as I continue to observe the growth I see a sort of elongated cabbage shape take form along with branches with leaves growing out of the new little plant. It also starts forming a flower and end up looking like a mixture between an orchid and a cabbage. As I watch this unfold the dream starts fading and I wake up. [/COLOR]

Breaking The Fast
(Too lazy to be more detailed)
I was walking to a hotel room with Dave Clarke maybe. Get in room and see home and alone with 2 kids.
They're pale. Back at home eating. Realize It may hurt breaking fast my fast. I start eating a plate of meat. I soon realize it's a dream and I can eat whatever. Someone laughs as if I should have known that already. I grab a fruit cake that's in the pantry. It's in a shape of a square firework.


Side Notes: I was on a 4 day water fast when I had this lucid. It's been a while since I had a lucid dream. I wasn't fully lucid, just felt the freedom.

Back to Work
I'm working which is at the home town basketball center. I think it's hafele. I'm where the back of the old courts are, and there was an opening in the back left corner. Its coming to the end I think, cause there isn't much to do. I see a couple trolleys and collect them. The trolleys are miniature. A worker that's doing the same job jokes around and says "get ur own job". I leave the trolleys in his path to collect, but he says "well don't just leave them there, put em away". I put them into there bays. I try and put them in perfectly, but they move around. I check the other bay and notice that they are not neat either, so I just leave mine as is. I wanted it to be perfect for the worker as I wanted to do things right because I was new and nervous. I tell some of the workers about how I used to be on disability pension, and how it got cut due to getting 10 points instead of 20.
I cranked some tunes off of my phone and left it on a ledge so people could hear it.

Work must be over cause I'm in a car with people. In sitting in the back with a female, it's dark, so it's hard to tell who I'm with. I think it was Ashleigh Hunt. I soon realize that I have left my phone at work and tell them they have to turn back. I can tell some people are pissed off by the sighs. To my surprise, Ashleigh hands me my phone. It was near me the whole time. I think back and remember placing it next to me.

I'm back at work, but it's changed to Bunnings Warehouse. I'm near the entrance to depot, looking at cloths. There's a lot of clothes. I think they're all donated clothing, because there isn't 2 of the same thing, and a lot of different sizes. I see a man near me browsing for clothes also. I mention about finding it hard to find the right size. He disagrees with me.
I see something on the wall. Another worker shows me what it does. It has chicken inside it. He opens it and we start eating it. He told me Daryl paid for his. I'm holding a box with chicken in it. I grab some lemon and squeeze it on, over doing it in the process. I have a bite and its nice.
I'm standing around and I see a guy that has a English accent. He calls a guy Joe Weller that passes him. It rings a bell that name. As Joe comes over, I recognize him. I say "I know you...."

Dream Fragments
I'm on the streets in a Arabian place. There's dirt roads, and Arabian people. I see a car that arrives with a man wanting to sell his fireworks. I imagine shooting a Firework into his car as he drives off, resulting in his death.

I see a man with an erection. He's showing off his fat dick. The scene changes to him having some kind of strap around his dick. It looks like a bit of leather at the base of it, almost like a little collar.

Side Notes: Day 1 of fast, felt OK. Bed early tomorrow. I RC upon awakening without reminding myself.

It's Tradition to Dress Like a Women
I'm with Daryl and I think Ben. We're in South Africa and decide to visit a infamous spot. As we enter the restaurant, I wait for my turn to get given women's cloths to wear. She gives me a Red and Black flannelette and denim genes. I don't mind the outfit, it could have been a lot worse. I'm a bit hesitant to grab them off the counter because I didn't want to get in the way of the employer. I think I put them on. I see Daryl in the distance, sitting at a table with Ben. He is starting to look impatience, as he waits for his food. I think this place does homemade cookies or something.

I'm now sitting down next to Luke Ray, and we're talking about the tradition of this place, of how you have to wear ur women's cloths for a whole day and night, sleeping with them on and all. That convocation moves onto me talking about how Kayley's pension got cut. Luke gets up and has to do something for the moment.

I head over to Daryl and Ben, and I notice that Luke is still not back to his original spot where we were sitting. I get up and head over to the counter where you order your food. I felt I needed to order now because it's taking a long time to get it once served, so Everyone is going to have to wait for me now, which sucks. I double check Daryl and Bens order. The employer repeats it too me in a odd way. Talking slow and long. I struggle to remember what he is saying, and was hoping to relay it back to Daryl and Ben. As she's telling me, I'm pulling cards out of my wallet, it has symbols written on them, and the lady is telling me about them. It's pretty much explaining what they ordered. One of the cards was my pension card. I look over to what's cooking and notice all the food. I think I might have a chance of getting my food on time, as its a new batch that has just been cooked. I second guess myself.

Luke and I are sitting back where we were earlier, talking about the fact that smoking is banned. Either myself or Luke sides with it being wrong, due to it being a tradition in this part of the world. Employers come to the table and they seem to be angry or threatening toward me. I feel as if I'm about to get robbed. I try to figure out if I have my wallet in my pockets, without checking. I replay the scene to see if they were coming off that way.
I see a block of cheese in its wrapper. As if unwraps, I'm either saying or hearing someone say it's falling to the sky or something.

My First Pump at Shelly's
I was Shelly beach. I catch a nice size wave and surf it with ease. As I'm surfing the wave, I decide to do something I don't usually do, and that's to pump down the wave. I notice the wave beginning to close out, but squeeze every bit of surfing out of it. I was a little cautious about surfing it to the shore line, due to the shallow reef. As I paddle back out, I'm feeling pretty stoked with the wave and how I surfed it. I was excited to tell Josh what happened if he hadn't seen the wave. I see 2 surfers in front of me, kinda in my way, so I weave my way through them. I think I end up telling Josh and I think another guy about what happened.

Dream Fragment
I notice that Claire must have slept with Chris Brown. I was thinking about how she could take that dick.

Side Notes: EFT seemed to work well. Will continue with same phrases.

Hi, figured having only listed orca dreams 2-4 was a bit confusing so better late than never, here is #1.

Well, i cant really remember much. literally only one picture of seeing one orca on a concrete floor alongside a pool at likely a aquarium. not much, but now we have a source for #1

Note, these arent all the orca dreams ive had. ive had only like 2 that i can recall before june 2015. I probably had more but it was before my active involvement with my dream life. so I decided to start officially numbering them now, starting with #1 at the beginning of june 2015.

Rock Throwing
I'm at the DVA with Luke Ray and one or so other guys. I see Luke swinging on a tree, so I decide to run over and do the same. It's only a small tree that has no leafs on it. It's located towards near the road near the drains.

The guys are throwing rocks to one another from a long distance away. I decide to pick up and rock or brick and throw it back to Luke. I'm impressed by the power I have when I threw it. I felt good about myself. I think I was also catching them as they were thrown my way, and was worried about the rocks hurting my hands as I caught them.

Im in a shed with one of the guys I was with. I'm searching for rocks with him. I point out a few, which end up being bricks. He says it's too big, so I bang the rock on something which chips away at the rock. I hand it back and his happy with it now. The rock was actually a brick.

Side Notes: EFT didn't seem as effective tonight. Trying to perfect the language

Escaping The Theme Park
I was at a theme park which has a water slide. I was going down it with friends and we would escape the guards often, Running through a lobby. It was like a cinema style lobby, with the same doors and all. It kept getting a lil harder each time, sometimes. I saw motivation guy. He was in character and was playing a hick looking bloke. He lost a tooth and would tap on his teeth and more would appear. He said if u tap too much you'll lose more, like he did. I think I noticed this at the back of cranny shops. Not long after I see a scene of Sam Newman getting flashed down a toilet. He was slowly getting plunged down. They were portable toilets, which turned into a water slide, which lead to the theme park.

I was now Sam I think, as I was continuing going along the water slide. It was now just a rapid and would take u around the park. Others were on the slide too. I was trying to figure out how to get out of theme park, because they were more guarded and switched on to catch people like myself. I decided to go for another escape. I begin running through the hall but end up getting chased by a women. I lose track of where I'm going and end up in a public shower room. I hide up on top of showers, watching her every move. I feel I'm easily visible if she was to glance up, which she eventually does. Im unsure what happens after this. I think I outrun her.

Im now walking around the park trying to figure out and remember which way I was meant to go, to get out into the safe zone, so I could be with the rest of my friends.

I'm outside my house and it's night time. There's s device which is like a sling shot. U can get into it and play around with it. I start to shoot an apple into the sky and Daryl tries to catch it on the way down. I was making it hard for him by pulling the apple down in flight, which would make it come down a lot quicker. I could see Daryl getting frustrated. I see Gary Ablett Jr. He's in his Gold Coast Suns jersey. I get his attention, So I can get him to try and catch the apple. If anymore could get it, Gary could. I can't launch the apple near him cause of where i am standing. I signal him where to stand, but he eventually just leaves.
I leave and end up in a room with a lot of people at my school? It's like an assembly. We're all sitting down. They announce that it's an awards night. I think to myself that I shouldn't be here because I won't be getting an award, but decide to stay anyways.

Side Notes: Did some EFT with the proper approach imo. So good so far.

This is going to be my dream journal. I'm not sure how much time I will have for posting, but I have read that keeping a journal is a good way to recognize dream signs. Posting dreams here should keep me accountable to continuing to journal. Many of these dreams will no doubt be based on video games I have played or am playing right now. In order to make them more readable I will use the following:

My normal dreaming will be recorded in regular black text.

When and if I manage to become lucid, I will record those parts in purple.

Notes for clarification that are not actually part of the dream will be blue.

Thank you in advance for reading.

For the record, it was painful to wake up and realize this was only a dream. I have not actually seen a real living orca yet sadly

I was in the back seat of a white Chevy Suburban with my step-grandfather driving and step dad in the passenger seat. we were driving at night over a bridge over the ocean in a coastal region, perhaps florida, when I look out over the water and see a pod of Killer Whale (Orcinus orca) coming up for air, swimming along the bridge. I immediately got excited and shouted "Look there are Orcas swimming" or something along those lines. I then repeatedly and seriously told the driver "stop the car" "stop the car" and he started to slow down but never stopped, so I ended up opening the door while we were still moving and hopped out. I stumbled across the ground a short distance before running over to the side of the bridge. I laid down on the bridge and looked into the dark water.

A curious orca calf surfaced to see what I was. I reached down for it trying to pet it, positioning myself closer to the water until i strained to far and fell off the bridge into the water with it. I touched it, but I had to get myself up right after my fall. I searched the water for a while around where i fell and could not see the orcas much. I swam over to a small sandy island, about 50 feet or so in diameter, so it was small. It had a lone palm tree leaning down over the sand and a small sand dune. I was in a bay area, with houses above sea walls around the waters of the island. It was now mid day suddenly. The orca swam around the water and the biggest one came onto the sandy island about half way. I approached it and it made a hissing noise at me, followed by showing me it's teeth. I was a bit startled and I stumbled backwards and fell on the sand about 3 feet away where he stared me down for a period of time presenting his teeth as if to warn me. Neither of us moved for a good 30 seconds. I felt a bit scared and surprised. I finally had the courage to stand back up and walk back. It swam off around the island before eventually coming back on the island under the palm tree and just relaxed. I stood there and watched it for a moment, observing the orca before walking up to it and touching its tail. It seemed surprised and worked its way back into the water quickly. It swam around the island once more. I stood on the small island and simply watched it swim by. It came back onto land this time about halfway looking at me with a weary look, as if trying to tell me it needed help. I thought it was probably hungry and decided to find food for it. when I got back into the water everything turned dark again and I quickly found some sort of prey, maybe a stingray. I took a small spear about the size of a knife and jabbed into it, bringing out of the water and back to the island. It was day again on land. I walked over to the orca, took the ray off the knife, and placed it in the orcas mouth. I was finally able to stand next to it and pet it. It now trusted me more and I could feel it. I then woke up

The orca had a pattern that was not a normal pattern. I also do not know what gender it was, but its tall dorsal fin suggests it was a male. It had a white mosaic looking pattern on its tall dorsal fin and some white tribal art work "dash" line around its eye. everything else seemed correct though.

Side notes for viewers:
Orcas around the U.S. west coast and New Zealand coasts are low in numbers. With about 80 Souther Resident Killer Whales(SRKW) on the U.S. west coast and less than 200 around New Zealand. There are other groups in danger as well. They are an endangered species. The Southern Resident population took a major blow back in the 70's where seaworld and other marine parks hired divers and boaters to capture and take away orca calfs from their family right in front of them. 45 captured and at least 13 were killed in the process. These sentient and highly intelligent animals have very strong social and family bonds. of the 45 captured from the southern residents, only one is still alive. Lolita at Seaquarium, forced to work multiple shows a day in a small tank with no cover from the sun.

I just woke from a night that was thick, rich, dense with dreaming, but the recall was scattered and sparse, which makes me ponder the nature of dream memory. After this last waking, I lay there for some minutes without being able to remember a single thing, not one detail, yet I knew for certain that I had been dreaming. This is a peculiar state of mind, the ultimate experience of ambiguity. I lay back down on the bed sideways across the covers so that I would not accidentally fall asleep again, and then let my mind drift, looking for the particulars. At first it seemed hopeless, like groping through mud, until through some mysterious process a tiny detail took shape...

...near my new house, a stream full of fish, all sizes and varieties...

That detail links to more images and events, and then there all are, as vivid as life, all those memories that had seemed to be lost, and might have never been recovered had I not taken the time to seek them...

...I look forward to fishing, catching my own dinner... is the water clean enough? I need a fishing pole, I can buy one right now on Amazon, I'm sure they sell them, it will be here in two days... or is this the sort of thing I should buy in person? find a sporting goods store, feel the weight and balance in my hands first, try out the cast...

...and finally I'll have somewhere to shoot my bow! so nice to have space again.... but my bow and target are still in my old house, I won't have them until we complete the move... guess I'll have to be patient...

...a bit concerned about the neighbors, though, that father yelling at his children, hitting them with tires, and so openly, right in the yard! should I call and report? but surely someone has tried before, and nothing has changed. I walk back that way and he's still at it, now they're all carrying tires, all four or five children, and he's still hitting them, yelling "we don't put wood in the house!" what does that mean? all houses have wood in them, it's a basic building material... I should inquire with the other neighbors, something has to be done... at least my house is across the stream, away from here, secluded in the woods...

And this reminds me of yet another dream...

...the two boys were living in such a house, alone in an open field, only woods on all sides. the old man must have been living off the grid, so no one knew when he died, and they quietly took over the house... his guests become his heirs... what did they do with the body, bury it in the yard? and then the seclusion let them build their operations, what was it, computers? what were they trying to accomplish... still can't remember...

And another...

...but before that we were looking for someone, an uncle?...can't just "lose" someone these days, not unless they don't want to be found... it takes a lot of care not to show up on the internet, to avoid social media entirely. the only clue we had was a partial bag of english muffins, not sure what that can prove, but then I wonder if the city where it was purchased is printed on the bottom... sure enough it is... but it is the name of my own city! is he here, or is this not even the right bag?

And so on... from no memories at all, to more than are worth writing down.

What would have happened to those memories if I hadn't taken the trouble to consciously retrieve them? What happens to all the memories of the dreams we don't remember, or have forgotten? Is there a kind of deep storage? I think there must be, because from time to time they come swimming up in flashes, like fish catching the light near the surface...

....a gleam of light against the wall of the building across from us, like a tile of glass catching the sun... Arya isn't paying attention, I catch her eye and direct her toward it with my own... she looks the wrong way and I have to pantomime the gaze even more cartoonishly before she sees it... we are under observation and can't speak aloud... but at last she sees the gleam and we go over to find out what it is... I think it is magic itself, these signals... this isn't the first... but is it directed by a person or inherent in the world, plot, fate? we climb the stairs inside the building and open the door at the very top... with satisfaction I perceive it is a magical goods store, and actually tell the lady proprietor what brought us there... perhaps she or something she sells here can assist us in our predicament...

That was yet another from last night, where my own turn of phrase, "catching the light," caught the memory. But often I'll be sitting around doing things in waking life and apparently random glimpses will surface of dreams I know I had years ago, probably ones I never even wrote down, yet in some obscure way they still shadow me. Where and what are memories when we're not remembering them? Dream memory feels like it is stored separately from waking life memory, which would make sense if we need to distinguish the two to maintain sanity. But maybe that sense of separateness only comes because dream memories do not fit into the established contexts of ordinary life... at least for me, where dreams and waking life have so few qualities in common.

There are people who hardly remember their dreams at all... are those dream memories buried inside them as if in some secret vault? Could some odd balance of brain chemicals unlock it, bring them all flooding back, the dreams of a lifetime?

I remember having an action packed, intensive and vivid dream, but I can't really recall it.

I was planning on doing a wbtb and then lding for the totm, but I got the ld before the wbtb.

A very long dream where me and mom go from tasting food at some fancy restaurant to running away from street thugs in a nasty area. The dream covered a great deal of distance by foot. At some point towards obviously the end of the REM, my awareness goes up and I have a moment of clarity. I remember the totm and actually also a moment before all the running away and eating that was also lucid and I did a quick tree climb there as well but a short one before losing lucidity. We are in the streets of this South African town and I am excited about exploring, thinking I can do the task of the month later as I feel I have plenty of time. Still, I decide to give it a try now rather than later. There is a tree right in front of me, and while holding something in one hand, I use the other to climb up the tree. It is very easy to do, which feels weird and cool at the same time. As I focus on the tree, couple more branches appear and I wonder would this turn into an endless climbing. Luckily, the tree height stops to extend beyond and I finally reach its top. I remind myself to have a look at the surroundings, checking out the streets below, the buildings ahead and what looks like a small park in between. At this point, the dream ends rather unexpectedly.

Ritual: I haven't let myself get bothered by my dry spell of the last few weeks, since it was easily attributable to lack of motivation and practice. My work life has been much more relaxed, so I think dreaming has been less psychologically necessary. I'm starting to observe a consistent pattern where I get lucid more frequently and intensely at times when I am under the most stress in waking life. I always think I'll have more time to work on dreaming when that stress disappears, but usually I find my motivation disappears along with it. I think this is because when I have more free time, I indulge in other kinds of experiences that satisfy my mind in a way similar to dreaming: films, books, and especially computer games.

Recently I started getting irritated with the bad dream recall and lack of lucidity, and decided to put more work into it. I did a few WILD attempts where my inability to count much higher than ten revealed my lack of mental focus and clarity, and they went nowhere. Today I found myself wide awake after sleeping four hours, a perfect WBTB, so I decided to try again. I didn't want to take any active supplements (alpha-gpc, galantamine, or piracetam), but I also didn't want to miss out on the placebo effect and reifying of intentions that might be gained from swallowing something, so I took a few tablets of bacopa and one of NAC. For good measure I also strapped on my MotivAider, set to 45 minutes, then lay down to do some counting. My focus was still crap.

I was not fully asleep yet when I felt the first pulse of the MotivAider, however it roused me enough that I noticed I was seeing some really amazing hypnagogic patterns. This is the first time I've experienced such distinctly geometric and symmetrical patterns in the hypnagogic state. I got up to use the bathroom and was amazed at the way the patterns persisted every time I closed my eyes, moving and transforming. I was tempted to wake up more fully to sketch them, but realized I could make better use of this state, so I preserved it and kept watching the imagery as I lay back down in bed.

I decided to skip the counting this time and work directly on tactile sensations. I concentrated on trying to move the dream body without activating my real one, and there was that inevitable ambiguity at first, but then I reached up to touch my face and I was pretty sure it was my dream arm that did it. I felt around my mouth with my tongue and was sure of it: the taste in my mouth felt too flat, too muted, to even be the normal background mouth-taste that we typically overlook. When I was confident that I had integrated into the dream body, I got up into my bedroom.

WILD, "Reflections / Zznvogayi": It is my first time getting lucid this month, so I decide to try a TOTM. The mirror task is convenient, since there are large mirrored sliding closet doors only steps away from my bed. I walk over and stand in front of one. At first I think the reflection bears a close resemblance to me, only with fuller cheeks and smaller eyes. But rapidly these features grow more exaggerated until they no longer look like me at all: the face is horribly bloated and the eyes have all but vanished beneath the puffy surrounding tissue. I recognize this as DR: I've been reading Gyo, a horror manga by Junji Ito, and it's full of faces like this. I force myself to keep watching as the image becomes more and more hideous, as though it is deliberately trying to unnerve me, but I remain calm and at last it vanishes.

It seems like the show is over, but the TOTM instructions were to keep looking as long as you can, so I continue watching the mirror. For a while it shows no reflection at all, just an empty dark space. Then a new reflection appears. This woman is beautiful, elegantly dressed in an archaic ballgown. I note that the bottom of her dress expands into almost a full half-sphere, and recall that this style was characteristic of the 1850s. I look up toward her face, but even though the expansive bottom of her dress is brightly illuminated, her entire upper body is in deep shadow and I can make out nothing but the silhouette of an appealingly slender torso. I keep staring until finally a tinge of light illuminates the lower curve of a shapely breast. I never do see the rest of her. As I continue watching, she is replaced by a male figure. I have the impression of a hairy man in rough clothing or primitive furs, but already the dream is deconstructing itself around me and when it stabilizes I am in another place entirely.

I find myself at the top of stairs leading down through water and rockery, landscaping that reminds me of a Chinese garden, though the buildings on all sides look contemporary. I wander down the stairs wondering what to do next. In late May I finally started playing Dragon Age: Inquisition, and was delighted to discover that one of the core characters is a lucid dreamer. This gives me the idea to try to summon him. Summoning people, historical or fictional (I rarely attempt it with WL people because I feel like it would be rude to deal with their doppelgangers), has always been my weakest area of dream control, but I'm determined to make it work. At first I hope to recognize the character among random DCs passing by, but don't see any likely candidates. Then I notice that at the bottom of the stairs is a large cafe, with a number of tables clustered in a semi-interior space with no front wall. This gives me an idea.

The cafe is organized enough to have a hostess desk, so I approach the two women working there and tell them, "There's someone waiting for me." When they ask his name, I say "Solas." One of the women acknowledges that he is here, and tells me to follow her. Oh my, is my trick actually working? I worry that I might get too excited over the prospect of success and destabilize the dream, and of course even that thought comes dangerously close to doing so, but I quell it and force myself to keep going along with the events I've set in motion, despite my impatience. So I follow the hostess, who leads me among the small circular tables toward one where a man is sitting by himself. I squint at him, trying to figure out if he really looks like Solas. Not so much: his face is thin enough but the features aren't right, and his skin has an odd greenish cast. I do my best to will his appearance into a better fit with my expectations, but this doesn't work. Oh well, appearances aren't everything. Maybe at least he'll identify as the character?

I sit down at the table and say, "Are you Solas?" He confirms that he is not. I don't remember our conversation clearly, but I recall being impressed with this DC's confidence and sense of his own identity. He seemed to find my questions foolish or nonsensical whenever I attempted to steer him toward my own ideas of how the scene should play out. For instance, when I asked something like "Are you from Thedas?" he replied emphatically, "I am from here." Still trying to keep up with the DA:I theme, I asked, "Is this the Fade?" I seem to recall he had an interesting answer to that, but I've unfortunately forgotten it.

At some point either I ask for his name or he volunteers it... and it is both odd and unfamiliar. I repeat what I think I've heard: "Vinyogi?" He shakes his head and says it again. This time I can make out that there are four syllables, with the emphasis on the second. "Zunvogayi?" I have to try several times before he's happy with my pronunciation, but it sounded something like that. I ask how to spell it, thinking this will help me remember it better, and he explains that the first syllable is spelled 'Zzn', but clarifies that the second 'z' functions as a 'u'. He gets up to leave and I follow, badgering him about how to spell the rest of it. He asks why I want to know, which I realize is a reasonable suspicion. I try to come up with an explanation that will sound bland and plausible without mentioning that I'm dreaming this, so I say something lame along the lines of, "I like to keep records of my activities."

Outside the cafe we head left down a path and then turn to the right, where some DCs are gathered looking at a long thin object resembling a small oar that is attached to a wall with a number on the paddle end. From their conversation I gather that it is a house number, and possibly they are trying to figure out if they should proceed with some kind of heist. Zznvogayi pulls out some cards and lays down four of them as though doing a divination. There are words and pictures on the cards, but they don't make sense to me. From what I can tell, the cards suggest that "if you have guts you get ice cream." I tentatively interpret that to mean that bravery will yield rewards... a favorable oracle? The DCs discuss the matter among themselves. Meanwhile I'm still pestering Zznvogayi to tell me how to spell the rest of his name, which he finally does. Of course it was just as complicated as the first syllable, and all I remember now is him explaining: "The 'v' and the 'd' are the same." "That makes sense," I reply, thinking how easily the two letters could merge based on linguistic similarity, and the fact that in some languages, like Sanskrit, they commonly occur in the compound phoneme 'dv'.

I want to make another attempt at summoning Solas, but this environment is too modern and urban to be suitable, so I decide to find somewhere better. Since there are a lot of DCs around I offer to make a show of it, announcing, "I'm going to make a portal!" Sure enough, this gets their attention and a small audience gathers behind me. I realize that with so many people watching I ought to give them a good visual spectacle. I begin by establishing, a few feet above the ground, a smudge of light colored deep cobalt blue. Then I wave my hand in a circle to rotate the light, spinning it into a flat vertical disk. I recall the beautiful hypnagogic patterns I was watching earlier as I fell asleep, and decorate the disk similarly. When I feel that the portal is well-established, I step through, trying to fix my thoughts on an environment appropriate to DA:I. However, at the spur of the moment I have trouble remembering any setting in particular, and for a while I find myself floating in unconstructed dream space. I focus on staying in the dream and finally a new environment forms around me. Across well-groomed lawns are large buildings whose style is unmistakably contemporary. There are no windows on the side wall of the building that I'm facing, just a four-digit number to identify it. This place looks like an expensive corporate campus: very far from what I was hoping for!

FA: It was probably the disappointment that woke me, but I had so much to write that I immediately went into "preserve and recall" mode, grabbing the notebook next to my bed and jotting down as many notes as I could before the memories faded, starting with the name 'Zznvogayi'. At one point I noticed that the pen wasn't making any marks on the paper, and remembered that earlier I had covered part of that page with an oval of wax. I tried to remember why and thought it must have had something to do with portals. I flipped over to a new page and continued taking notes, until I woke up more fully and realized that I was not actually writing, it had been an FA, and I would need to pick up my notebook for real and do it properly.

The Death of My Brother
I am with my Dad, sitting in a car. He shows me a text from my brother, which says something like ''In car wreck''. Dad goes on to say he's dead, the car is wrapped around a pole and went up in flames. I didn't believe him at first, but soon after the shock set in that he was probably telling the truth. I begin to think that I'll be the only one alive in my bloodline in the future. I start to think about the responsibilities that will be left for me as they pass, and feel it will be too much for me. The scene shifts to where an ambulance is. I see my brother on a trolley bed. There's a clear sheet over him. I have a slight feeling that he is OK, but soon realize that he had passed away. He looks a little disfigured which disturbed me. I only had a quick glance at him, so I wouldn't be too upset. Dad reassures that my brother is dead, by saying ''That's dead for ya''.

I'm now in a car with my Russ. He is in the backseat and I'm in the front. I ease into the news about my brother. I ask him if he heard the news about my brother. He says he didn't know a thing. I try telling him about it, without getting emotional. We both well up a bit as I tell him. He starts to make a list of people on his phone, to who he needs to contact about the news of my brother. I take his phone and check the list. There's quite a few people, some of who I don't know well, or at all. I step up and tell him that I will do the calling for him. I feel quite nervous about doing it.

I'm at a house playing cricket. I am the bowler, and I'm using a small bit of sliced cheese, that I have rolled up as the ball. I think I see or hear my brother in a garage. I see him and have a sigh of relief that he isn't dead. A guy that's with him was the donor that saved his life. My Dad is with me and he sprays some kind of smoke on to himself, due to the man that saved my brothers life must have been sensitive to the environment. The man was overweight.

I come running out of the garage, naked, running around the corner where I was bowling from earlier. I try and put my underwear on, and end up putting them on, inside out. I do this with the pants also.
There's guy in his 20's that's near me. I have to decide to vote for him or Redfoo to be on the next show of XFactor. I tell the man that I will vote for him. The scene changes but the scenario is the same. I'm now at my house and I'm unsure on who I want to vote for. I think I tell Redfoo that I will vote for him also. I tell everyone that I'm voting. So I raise my hand and sway them back and forth towards the guys I'm needing to vote for/against. The man is giving Redfoo props on how good of a person etc he is. I believe it's a tactic to make him come across as a genuine nice person, which would lead for people to vote for him. Redfoo isn't too confident at this point and decides to walk into my room. I end up voting for Redfoo.
I run outside into the backyard to tell the other judges what the end voting was. I tell them that Redfoo won, which is a lie. I see Ronan Keating, and he doesn't believe me.

Side Notes
I woke up from this dream feeling pretty emotional. I was second guessing if something was going to happen to my brother, due to some of my dreams coming true in the passed. I do a bit of EFT to take the edge off.

Had some recall problems this time.