side notes

I was bad again today and didn't write these down so I'm going from memory.

I was at a bar, a fancy bar, and while I was supposed to be enjoying myself or hanging out with whoever I was with, I was watching A and V enjoy THEMSELVES. I was overtly jealous and A noticed. Eventually I left and was walking across a vast arctic landscape with a bunch of other people, I don't know where we were going or why. I thought about how boring it was and how cool it would be if I could just hover a bit with each step. Just then I realized I could fly and became lucid. I floated up and instead of immediately exploring I thought to myself about what I could do now that I'm lucid. I still don't think I had much control though because I ended up going back towards the bar to show off my flight to A. But on the way I got side tracked by little cottage and found a cute girl to make out with. (Why does it always come to this?!) I was completely conscious of the last few dreams and waking up as soon as I get excited so I tried to just go with the flow. I lasted a bit longer maybe before waking up.

The next dream I was exploring a cave system with some others. Don't really remember what happened now.

a
4-23-2011

Dream 1: Accounting Gold

I am in an accounting class but not in a boring classroom but in a theater and instead of using boring numbers we are counting gold ingots! Except for two, all of ours are small ingots from 10 oz to odd amount coins. We had little tables that came out of the theater’s seats to put our gold on. There was a lot of gold around and no one to watch us; I was amazed at this and thought how easy it would be to slip a ingot into my pocket without anyone ever seeing. This however was outside my personal moral code. I kept looking over the ingots and liking the feel of them, and how heavy they were for their little size, and marveling over how much these little things were worth.

Then everyone started cleaning up it was time to go and class was over. I scooped up the various gold items into our thick blue zippered sack. I then walked out like you walk out of a movie between those seats that are too close together.

Someone pointed out a gold coin on the floor that someone had dropped. For a second I thought ‘hmm, no one has a claim on this coin it could be lost, maybe I could stick it in my pocket. No that would look bad even if I wasn’t really stealing.’

I followed the class out into the hallway carrying my heavy sack and the gold coin. The class started to blend into the hundreds of people out in this hallway and I had no idea where this class’s room was.

I lost all the class’s people and spent about 10 minutes walking around holding that gold till I realized it just didn’t matter anymore.

I spent another 20 minutes or so walking around this huge building looking for that class. There was every conceivable type of career at work in the building, nurses, teachers, office workers, lawyers (they had a cool suite hallway, with mahogany walls and doors, where the lights where very dim just enough to look cool and so you could see comfortably), there was even a hair salon. I was the only one walking between all these; everyone else seemed to see nothing but their own career place.

I felt like I could take on any one of these careers if I simply thought I was in that career, it was almost like the place would ask me if I was one of the types that populated that area (career person or customer).

I got really tired of searching for the class and gave up.



Dream 2: Flying Experiments
The actual happenstances that took place during this dream are unimportant. The important aspects are the specific experiments and their results.
I knew this was a dream and decided to try different flying techniques.



The first technique I tried I have had luck with before; I talked to my subconscious self. “I want to go faster. No faster than that! OK I don’t care how, just as fast as possible!” WOOSSSSH!!! All kinds of trees and buildings wiz by!

This technique definitely works but is unpredictable and often too slow or too fast and it is usually hard to stop at the right point.


Next, I tried to use the point I wanted to arrive at as a pull. Thinking that ‘I want to go there’ but it works all too well getting you there and flying but at your normal height and speed, just like walking but flying. This takes way too long but I have great results stopping exactly where I intended. This also takes very little concentration to carry out and keep up. This is great in large crowds and over small distances. You’re going to lightly bump some people in a large crowd but I found that was OK as long as they weren’t hostile.


Then I tried the run and jump Superman style, this worked very well but was hard to speed up from the speed I started at. Very good to change height and got a lot of height too.

Then I tried to make things up on the “fly”, while flying around I tried stuff but the best was a fist push or swing. You punch or swing your fist forward as fast as you intend to go. This forceful act tells your mind the force at which you want to travel, as well as, seeing your fist move fast which is nearly as you want to go. I got great forceful speed out of this and great directionality, stopping was as simple as pulling my fist back and putting my feet down. I actually stopped faster than I usually ever do, and though there was some sneakers skidding on the ground, it worked very quickly.

This was the best technique I have tried and after flying into a middle school at breakneck speeds I decided it was time to wake up and record this technique but then I heard a administrator type yell to my direction “Check in is in the office!” A couple of parents and myself walked into the office and I immediately realized that I had no one in mind to see, what would I say was my purpose here? The secretary, whether a DC or a dreamer, was probably going to see me as a threat.
The secretary was blathering away to a parent “Oh yes! Oh yes, that’s great!” while I fumbled around with the write in-sheet.
There were 2 eagle pins on the top of the page and I took one off and looked at it. I felt this was a good time to disappear and wake up but as the dream started to fade I remembered that pin in my hand. Would the pin disappear with my disappearance? That would not be right if someone really like it so I concentrated back on the dream’s visuals, and once fully back in the dream, I put the pin back on the paper. I looked at it and marveled at the realistic details but had to get out of there before the secretary started to talk to me and things got crazy.

I can't remember this whole dream very well; just from a certain point onwards:

Lucid = orange

I'm sitting on a couch with a couple of men, and we're watching something. I'm sitting next to a darker-skinned guy but he's getting a bit too close for my liking. I move away but he just gets closer again, making me feel rather uncomfortable in the process. I tell him to move away a bit but he doesn't really do anything, and laughs. I then have enough of it and get up, then another guy gets his dick out and starts wanking over me, so I try to instantly get out of the room, but the guy holds me down climaxes all over me before I can. I then break free and run out of the room and down a hallway, through another door (my clothes are kind of hanging off me) and into some posh dining place. I die of embarrassment and immediately vacate the area, running out of the building completely.
The perverted rapists are behind me and for some reason the police as well.

Next I'm running through a hospital-like area (can't remember how I got there) and the police are shooting at me, but I dodge all the bullets matrix style and break the line of sight, spotting a toilet ahead which I race into (I didn't pay attention to whether it was a men's or woman's toilet, but I think it was a woman's one. Quite frankly I was too occupied). There's a woman in there, and I dive into a cubicle before she spots me, in-case she's on their side.
I then randomly realise I'm just dreaming, and that none of this is real, which gives me a surge in confidence, and just walk out of the cubicle not caring that I'm in the opposite gender's toilet or that there are people after me (constantly reminding myself that everything is just a dream, and not real). I get a proper look at the woman, and she's quite hot, but to avoid anything going down, I instantly start buttering her up with foreplay, knowing that she would comply. Things develop very quickly until the point where she hops onto my lap with her arms around my neck (if you get what I mean). I then notice 2 black men running towards the toilet (most likely after me) and shuffle over (with me and her still interlocked) and lock the door, so that they can't get in. I then take her back to where we were before and my vision starts fading, as per usual, but I'm determined to stay lucid this time, so I tell her ''Baby, I need your help. Help me stay lucid.'' and hold both of her hands, putting all my energy into how it feels. Eventually stability returns to me, and we're free to continue what we were doing. Things get more and more heated, and I remind myself now and then that it's not real. Then something shocking happens; this woman turns into a some kind of black demon, with multiple eyes, that are a vibrant red colour and hisses ''What if I'm a manifestation of everything negative within you!?'' (or something very similar to that) Although I know I'm dreaming, for some reason fear starts to take over and I race to the door to get out. I remember I locked it. I unlock it as fast as I can before this thing gets to me and run out.
Next I find myself running down Lysander (the doorway must have acted as some kind of teleport since I wanted to get away). I knew I was away but still kind of worried that this Demon might be chasing me, so I jump up and start flying, soaring down the road. I'm paying a lot of attention to everything around me, and note how everything is extremely vivid, yet none of it is real. It fascinates me; how this lucid is very vivid, looking just like real life, yet it's merely a dream; something conjured up by my brain.
The road then leads me into town, and I can see cars and people going by. For a laugh, I decide to land on one of the cars and see where it takes me. I spot my target, and then it speeds up quite a bit, racing off into the distance, but I'm determined to catch up to him, and will myself to speed up accordingly. I'm now flying at amazing speed, loving every second of it, and catch up to the car within a manner of seconds, landing on the roof. The driver honks his/her horn with disapproval, but I don't care as it's just a dream, so I can get away with anything I please.
Eventually it takes me to the centre of town, and I hop off and go near the bus stop. Although there are a few people walking about, I figure I should call for some homies and start yelling ''Whoop Whoop! Where my Juggalo's at?!'' and similar things. Then I start seeing homies running up to me, some of which painted up, which I find awesome. Things still seem a bit bare though, so I call for some Juggalette's too, and sure enough some ladies enter the group (likewise, some painted up, some not). I take quite a fancy to one of them and pull her over to the wall and start making out. I hear cheers and applause from the group, obviously liking the fact I just pulled so easily, referring to me as some form of Legend. Then the dream randomly starts fading out and I feel wakefulness creeping up, but the image of the girl stays constant - frozen in time. I just focus on this image and try to go back to sleep, in the hope of reinstating lucidity.

Then a new scene appears before me. I'm sitting down with a group that's circled around a fire, looking down at a guy's crotch area. I'm not fully in the dream at this point, but I seize this opportunity. (I'm not sure why I did what I did next, but I guess it makes sense since I wanted to ground myself into the dream with any means necessary, and touched on 3 senses with 1 action) I then grab this guys crotch area, noting how it feels (I'm a straight guy, so this is quite strange) and then proceed to whip it out and start giving him head. My eyes are open while I'm doing this, and although I'm surprised at myself, I can feel the dream becoming stronger around me. Then I get up and start walking around, and am immediately greeted by a false awakening.

I'm in bed (in my old room) unaware that I'm still dreaming, and proceed to record my lucid experience. While I'm doing this, however, I can feel 'sleep' overcoming me against my will, and then I find myself back in the same scene as I was in before.

I realise I'm back in the dream and become lucid. I'm now on a higher level of ground, looking down at where I just was. There's a guy to the right of me and he says something which I don't remember now, but it had some usefulness. I asked him if he was a dream guide, and he said ''Of sorts, yes.''. I then proceeded to ask him about why my dream guides are always different, and whether the guy from a previous lucid was a guide or not. He was confused as to who I meant, so I reminded him, and told him about the guy who murdered that girl. He then knew who I meant, and told me not to worry about it, as it was in the past. I accepted his response and noticed there was another of him standing behind him. I ignored this and followed him into a house.

I was then sitting with him and a rather different looking Niall around a table, asking him a lot of questions. I don't recall what they were, or the answers, but I do remember thinking that he talked about a lot of things that reminded me of myself; reinforcing the fact that he was actually manifestation of a part of my mind. Both him and Niall were making things. Although, there was something about Niall which scared me. I removed something off of his face (a mask or layer of his face or something) twice, changing his appearance both times to his 'true' form. He looked like some type of baby, although he was still the same size as in real life. I was worried he was going to attack me and picked up some scissors for self-defence. My 'guide' gave me a ''wtf are you doing?'' look and for a moment I was worried he might read my thoughts and get on the offensive, so I dismissed my worry and changed my motives and said ''Well, these are less likely to hurt him, so I think he should use these.''
Note: 'Niall' was cutting things out and stuff with a pair of normal scissors, but these were considerably different.
My 'guide' then responded with ''Good thinking!''. Then the both of them finished what they were making. I can't remember what the 'guide' did but Niall made some tower with loads of edible animals on it. I get up and walk around the table, inspecting their work, and ask the 'guide' if I could reinstate lucidity for me, as I needed to wake up soon and write everything down so that I don't forget. He told he it was fine and that he would. I then inquired about their work; that if they were parts of me, I should be able to produce similar results. The 'guide' concurred, and then a few moments later I awoke.

I woke up from an intense dream in the 2nd REM stage that is completely forgotten. The only element I remember was some kind of monster, like a griffin, or a giant blue rooster. I couldn't fall back to sleep for an hour but there was no fear or uneasiness. I tossed and turned.

When I finally fell back to sleep I unintentionally had a W.I.L.D.

I remember thinking that visualizing certain shapes was causing dream quality images to run through my mind. I decided (logically or illogically) that thinking of curved lines was very dream inducing. I was seeing something like parchment with black inked looking curved lines. This gave way into a realistic view from my bed with my eyes open.

Floating in space in front of me was a hand-held flat screen LCD TV. It was flashing various scenes as if flipping through channels. The device looked real and more elegant than any pictures of such devices I've found on Google. My room was dark, true to life, except for the floating LCD.

A slightly cartoon-ish scene. A birds-eye view came on that featured a Rocket Ranger flying through a city full with skyscrapers. I thought cool, I want to enter this scene. I moved slightly closer to screen but then eased back into bed. Instead of entering the scence, several more Rocket Ranger type figures joined the first one and as a group were flying through a modern looking city via jet pack.

My view seemed fixed, with only a slight range of motion. A new scene appeared on the small screen, it was of an old house with a darkened stair case. I thought "this looks interesting" and managed to move my view all the way up to the scene and merged into it.

Now I was standing in a strange old, poorly light house I have never seen before. I was nearby a window and the view was very similar to the one from my grandmothers old attic window. Next to the window was a dresser covered in dust. I looked out and could see green grass and another building with no windows. For some reason I felt I couldn't go outside. I took a close look at the dusty dresser to test the detail level of the dream. It looked extremely real.

Next I decided I wanted to fly along the surface of the walls. I was bodiless (again). I zoomed onto the wall as if from the point of view of an ant. I flew around the walls of this house and hopped across walls and doors. --Things get hazy at this point.

Supplements: Liquid Gel multivitamin and 500mg of vitamin B5

I was taking a break from all the work I've had recently.
Just chilling out, watching some random episodes and movies. (Game of Thrones pilot, Dr. No)
Then I got tired and decided to take an afternoon nap.
I put my rather comfortable chair all the way back and listened to some ambient music with my eyes closed.
For some reason there was some Daft Punk in my playlist, I remember it because I was getting into SP whilst listening to:


The music slowly becomes muffled (I don't know if this is the right term), like if I was under water.
I know I'm about to enter a dream when I'm startled by the feeling of arms embracing me from behind.
Assuming that this is caused by SP I try to ignore the feeling, but when I notice a breeze of air on my face, I decide to open my eyes.
My vision is extremely blurry. I can only distinguish between different intensities of light, but I cannot see any shapes.

But then I feel the presence of Yuya. She's holding me from behind, these are her arms, and suddenly I feel very much at ease.
My vision sharpens and I notice I am riding a motorbike with Yuya.
We're on some sort of red planet. At first I think that we're riding in a red sand desert, but the bike has too much grip for the surface to be sand.
It must be some sort of stone with a sandy texture or something along those lines.

I don't really care much about my surroundings though, I'm very much focused on Yuya.
For some reason, even though I can't see her because she's sitting behind me, she feels even more real than usual.
I can feel her chest expand against my back as she breathes, for some reason this really overwhelms me.
She's resting her face on my left shoulder, and I can feel her breath against my neck.
I can even feel her heart pound very lightly.
I feel extremely good, ecstatic even.

I take a short look of my surroundings.
Besides the red planet surface, I see a red sky covered by some white clouds.
I'm a bit surprised, because my dreams usually feature cold colors. Blue, Green, Yellow are common colors in my dreams, but not Red, at least not so much of it.
There are weird animals flying in the sky. They look a bit like jellyfish, except they are waaaaay bigger, and well, float in the sky.
The bike I'm riding is futuristic, and definitely not of human design.
The dashboard is in an alien language, it consists of combinations of different geometric shapes.
I spot many triangles and circles.
The engine has much more torque than one would expect from a bike engine.
It's sound is also very deep and bassy. It's definitely a combustion engine.

I accelerate a bit, but not really by much. Testing out the bike doesn't really tempt me.
I just want to enjoy being so close to Yuya.
We keep driving like that for about a minute, sharing our thoughts.
But none of us really think of anything, our minds are blank and at peace.
Sharing this feeling is very refreshing.

Then I wake up. The transition out of the dream is very smooth.
I regret that these WILDs during afternoon naps don't last very long at all.
Nevertheless I feel very happy and refreshed.

In no particular order.

Saving L from some people. Had to ride my bike down some stairs and to a beach, then I woke up.

Some sort of "gang" war against some other people, shot someone before he could shoot me. Phone rang right when I was going to tell the cops everything.

Cuddling with K until she had to go. More was going on in that dream I don't remember. I'm having more and more dreams about her...

Went lucid at the end of a dream where I was walking around with a group of people. Didn't last long, looked at my hands and then lost it.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

This is a complete but rough draft
From a couple nights ago


Spirituality's Just a Clunky Flashlight: Surprise Gratitude

I wasn’t expecting to have another lucid dream. Not since I did the other night after probably years of not remembering a lucid dream. I wasn’t even particularly focused on it last night, I was more interested in the emotional processing of dreams I’ve been remembering.

Before falling asleep, I went into the deepest meditation I think I’ve experienced before. During this meditation I was using audio with delta binaural (as well as other aspects) for the first time. I had used the demo before, before falling asleep and having the first lucid dream in this journal. That was the first lucid dream I remembered in a long time and it happened maybe 3 nights before the lucid dream in this journal entry.

There were many exceptionally vivid visuals that arose during the meditation. I kept coming back to my breath, but sometimes would just give in to the feeling of witnessing instead, feeling like why focus on the breath if that’s not the real point? Being the Witness is. Then I would lose my deeper connection with witnessing and come back to my breath. Cyclic.

I finished the meditation, rolled on my side, and meditated a bit without audio. I jumped when my name and something else was said in my ear. It seemed like a loud voice because of my stillness, but it was a whisper as if coming from a man, a lover, behind me. It was just so real and audible that it startled me.

I fell asleep normally, not trying to WILD or whatnot.

My mom in the living room, then in my room. Us conversing throughout this. Having the sense that I’m both in my living room and in my bed asleep simultaneously. She kind of giggles at me. I wonder if she’s there with me or not, if I’m hallucinating or something. She comes to my room and I’m only there, not in two places at once anymore. My window is open and there is a breeze. I ask her to close it for me; I don’t want to get up. She starts to close just the blinds and I ask her to close the window as well. She does. (Was some man coming toward the window, flying?)

I thought, this is a dream.

Darkness, vague sense of my body and no surroundings, as if I had my eyes closed in the dream. A strong, turning slowly in bed sensation. I couldn’t control it. slowly, over, over, tipping the sensation of falling at the same time. The slow shift ended.

Walking, it is rather dark around me, a kind of muddy and empty yet dense darkness, like mist. Around something, turning, perhaps it was a small gate that I walked around.

The dream felt very ordinary. Almost disappointing.

meditated for a few breaths but then

wanted to experiment with other things

Asked to see my higher self (I don’t think I reflected on the forum thread specifically, but knew it was something I wanted to do.)

A muted gray "wheel of fortune" with different faces on it, spinning slowly. alternating panels of dark grey and darker grey. Thought it was a very fitting image for how I conceive of a higher self intellectually.

Kinda sorta looked like this

Seemed somewhat boring, too intellectual.

I asked to see what I “need to see”. saw a white light in nothing, black background.

Questioned what I was seeing, like, this? Thought of typical images of god as light.

After waking I thought of the similarities to Alex Grey’s God sacred mirror painting. Similar colors.

I looked for depth in the light but it seemed kind of boring. Again, too intellectual perhaps. On reflection, was it the center of that higher self wheel?

After thinking it was boring, another light moved into my vision as if responding to my thought. I realized it had been there but I hadn’t seen it. It was so bright when I started to focus on it. I questioned that this was really what I needed to see, thought I was just making it up. I reflected on the light being there all along, but I hadn’t seen it next to the dullish moon-like first light. The bright light fell onto the dark ground next to me. It clattered and I saw it was a flashlight.

I guess I dismissed it, that is the feeling I have after waking, and felt joy at being lucid in the dream world

I took a moment to feel gratitude and amazement at this lucid experience. I remembered a show I’d seen the other day about dreaming and how the brain comes alive with activity more than at any other time. I saw that clear image of the brain and nervous system pulsing with activity, inside my body. Deep, shimmering, pervasive gratitude hit and filled me.

Similar to the end of this video.

I felt grateful for being in this state and a deep appreciation and almost affection for my body for allowing it. It felt like this state was healing me. It was that awed, blissful feeling in dreams that I desire to experience more.

I looked around and saw a lit up tunnel in the dark distance, like a tunnel for cars. I decided to try to conjure something. What popped into my conscious mind was a baby and I immediately tried to conjure one. (Odd because in waking life I don’t feel much desire to have a baby, though I love to be around them.) The attempt at conjuring was so quick, it seemed to step on the heel of the thought of a baby. I wanted to give it love and feel its love.

A cat had already been walking up to me. Small, solid, short haired. I concentrated on changing it and a baby’s light transparent image superimposed over the cat for a second but that cat wasn’t going away. I thought about learning more about dream control and gave up on the baby thought.

The cat talked in a witch’s type voice. (Funny, now I remember that I had been listening to Ken Wilber the day before this dream and I’d thought about Ken’s voice being grating and nasal, kind of like a witch.)

The cat seemed sinister.

I picked it up, being careful not to hurt it. Held it like a baby, then shifted it into a more upright position. I thought of it being like Chaos, (my loved and peculiar cat that died a few years ago,) but no, not Chaos.

The physical sensations in this dream were very obvious. The light breeze, the cat against my chest and under my hands.

The cat said it wanted a kiss in that same crackling, grinding, deep yet high witch’s voice. I wasn’t sure if it would hurt me or not. I took its face in my hand and held its mouth closed and gave it a kiss.

I remember its teeth and the feel against my lips.

I was afraid of being bitten (the only times I’ve remembered feeling intense physical pain in dreams was when I was bitten. It has happened twice.)

It was talking like it wanted to hurt things. I kind of tuned it out while I tried to decide what to do. I thought it was talking about wanting to hurt a baby and other darkness, I could hear it but I was only half-hearing and half-aware. It kept talking on and on.

At some point I flew low to the ground

That tunnel, somewhat lit, going into it. On my feet now. The cat still in my arms. Did I put it down? I think so.

Fear and darkness, though I wasn’t completely overcome by the fear. I remember looking down to the other end of the tunnel.

The dream changed

Walking slowly through an office
many people at desks in this main room
one man I identify with emotionally as I walk by is creative
he is conjuring a model/landscape of buildings on his desk that rise up slowly and gracefully

much like the Game of Thrones intro.

The young man seemed very creatively developed but he felt stuck and repressed.

I felt myself fading out of the dream slowly, into nothingness. Nothingness for a bit. I hoped I wasn’t coming out of the dream. Heard a sound, realized it was like breathing. I still felt like I was sleeping. Still. Then I tested my breath, tried to change its rhythm slightly and felt the change, felt the air going through my nose like when I meditate. damn, I’m awake.

This dream helped me put my finger on that feeling of bliss that I’ve experienced in dreams many times that is so profound and just expansive and freeing. Gratitude. And appreciation. A deeper love than egoic love, though it is kind of like the feeling of when you first fall in love and everything is vibrant and feels like you’re bursting.

So this is what gratitude is. Fuck. I want to be grateful more! LOL. I’m grateful for wanting to be grateful, even.

So strong. I’m going to practice bringing that into my walking life.

I just felt some gratitude while saying that and it warmed my stomach (where some deep emotional knots are). Gratitude. Wow. God and gratitude seem the same at this moment.

Reminds me of a woman I know who is so vibrant so much of the time. Gleeful in a grounded and beautifully feminine way. She showed me about being feminine in a positive and not fake way, truly feminine. I’d tended toward being a tom boy before that. Well, I still do but I also appreciate that exuberant feminine side.

Now I want to love. Everything. (Dammit, bring back that creepy cat!)

It feels like the gratitude for my body and brain lit up with lucidity was what I “needed to see”. A roundabout answer to a question I wasn’t sure how to ask. Being grateful, I feel in a sense like my higher self, as discussed in the thread.

Since that dream I’ve researched practices in gratitude. Tonglen and others have appeared. My main focus is bringing it to all of my life (waking, dreaming, lucid, all). Now, can I be grateful while being with that cat or other similar darknesses? Yes, I’ve experienced that to degrees. Experienced gratitude along with protective boundaries simultaneously. I don't want to get stuck in "blank gratitude" – not consciously to the extent that I’d hurt myself with it.

The emotional tone of the gratitude in the dream and that came with me into waking life is hit on in the tone of this song.

Nothing In Between by Stuart Davis

Nothing In Between by Stuart Davis

Spoiler for Lyrics:

There is nothing in between us when we sleep
Every night the bliss begins to leak
Nothing in between us when we laugh
it’s something that our head will never grasp

It’s seen in between

There’s nothing in between your joy and mine
It’s all a lot of nectar on the vine
Joy is how my parents were entwined
and there’s nothing in between their lives and mine

We’ve seen

There’s nowhere to hide in the open Reality
Love is so wide, there isn’t a boundary
There is only one eye without any enemy
when you’ve seen in between

There’s nothing in between our skin and light
Nothing in between the wind and kite
Nothing in between our lips and grace
Nothing in between the tongue and taste

It’s seen

(Refrain)

There is nothing in between you and I
Nothing in between blue and sky
Nothing in between us and love
Nothing in between wings and doves

(Refrain)

There is nothing
in between

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

This is a very rough draft
From the night before the night before last


Pairing Off

Going up a long curved ramp/hallway, similar to the casino on Catalina Island
At the top, people are evaluating each other as potential dates, taking turns
each successive pair going inside the large room where the dance is being held
I am the last girl to walk into the room, but I see the guy that is left through the door and I don’t like his body language or the way he’d talked to the girl. I don’t go into the room and instead turn around and walk back down.

The ramping hallway is lined with settings of a wine glass, a martini glass, and other items, repeating over and over. I look for a martini or glass of wine that hasn’t been drunk from yet as I walk down and down.
I unscrew the base of a martini glass and drink from the small, hidden bowl portion of the stem.
a man is walking up
we both think it is funny that I’m drinking from the bottom
I turn it right side up and drink from the “correct” top bowl (It didn’t spill when I’d first turned it upside down). it tastes delicious and I’m surprised. Best martini I’ve had.
I want to impress him and it looks like I’ve succeeded
we walk up together
I think I tell him about a friend (girl/potential date) he should meet

two of my girlfriends are up there and he and one of them hit it off
I’m kind of jealous but also not, I don’t think it is right for me to be with him for some reason (not the right time?)
we dance with yellow (Big Bird color) feathers arranged and held in a shield shape. shields of feathers, lol.
we shake them and are performing or practicing for people (a coach?)
6 groups of dancers. the guy, me, two girls, (and two other people?) make up our dance group

the teacher shows us how to do a yoga pose that is specific to the type of dancing we’re learning
stand on one leg, hold your right foot and press the big and pinky toes’ pads together, as well as the 2nd and 4th toes’ pads together. A might uncomfortable in the dream. I thought it was funny. While in the yoga pose, I struck a playful disco pose with my arms. It actually felt like the silly pose helped the energy align and flow. (makes me think of my PTSD and anxiety. Absurdity can be an antidote.)
I looked at the others and they were holding their foot behind them instead of in front of them so I went to switch, though it didn’t seem right to me to have my foot behind. The dream ended before I finished "correcting" my pose.

First I was taking a class in "aqua boats" I can't remember what I called them in the dream, but it was like go-karts on water, and they were really fast and not really like water at all. There was a lot to the dream, but I didn't write it down and forgot most of it now.

Next dream I was at an anime convention or something in a hotel. The Sailor Scouts were battling their various nemesis in different rooms, I saw them as I was searching for something or just exploring. Then I found some people playing
MMORPGs and they talked about some new good ones I should check out. Then I watched/joined a live-action Call of Duty game before leaving to go to class. The teacher kicked me and my friend out for having some sort of gaming device that we were going to buy. I stopped by a girl's desk I guess I got close to and wrote my number on her desk before I left. My friend and I went to the check out for our games, then I was playing a Mario racing game, like the slide race in Mario 64 but not.
I came across a quaint touristy area in a park, they were selling candy and trinkets. At some point I jumped into the air and turned into a hawk, but it was too difficult to fly and too slow, so I turned human and flew that way. But I decided I should be invisible so I don't cause a seen, at the thought of invisibility I became lucid!
I made a mental note on what it was that caused me to be lucid, looked at my hands to keep the lucidity. (And even saw my feet way down on the ground, I was still flying.) I looked around for cute girls, there were a lot of people waking around in the park. I passed over a few then swooped down and picked a cutie up. When I kissed her I kept my eyes open and even tried to look at my hands to stay lucid, because I lost it last time when I kissed a girl. The first kiss went well, but directly after that I lost it and woke up frustrated.

I wonder if I'm paying too much attention to how things feel when I'm lucid, I'm too interested in the "realness" to just go with the flow? But if I go with the flow I might lose it lucidity and go back to dreaming... Although I don't remember ever losing lucidity that way. Research is needed.

Awake, Lucid, [Commentary made while awake]

The moment I see my old college campus start to appear out of the darkness, I realize, Oh, cool, a dream is starting. There are lots of multistory buildings all around me, and it's a beautiful day with a vivid blue sky and puffy white clouds. The dream is fairly vivid [and remains so throughout its entire length]. I observe that the environment around me is consistent with the environment I've observed in previous dreams set on my old college campus. [Although, now that I think about it, I think the dreams I have that are set there feel similar more than they look similar. Being in the environment always feels the same, but I think the layout, the spatial relationships of buildings, is slightly different each time. The style of the buildings is always pretty much the same, though.]

I walk along among the buildings, and eventually [possibly after a dreamskip?] find myself inside somebody’s house. The living room has been filled with chlorinated water and turned into a big, deep indoor pool. The second floor of the house is open to the living room, and has a balcony-like walkway that surrounds the living room on three sides. The water comes almost all the way up to the level of the walkway. When I see the pool, I think, This is a dream. I should be able to breathe underwater. I get into the water and start swimming down into the pool, testing this hypothesis. It proves to be correct. By consciously focusing on the knowledge that I can breathe underwater here, I can breathe underwater. While I'm swimming, I feel the resistance that one normally feels from the water when swimming, but not the wetness; I still feel completely dry. I also notice that breathing feels exactly the same as it normally does when I'm breathing air; those parts of my body don't feel any resistance from the water, whereas my skin and limbs do feel it. [I think this experience further demonstrates the same phenomenon that lies behind the nose-pinch reality check: doing something that would obstruct your ability to breathe in reality will not obstruct it in a dream, because your real body is still breathing normally.]

I resurface, then dive again, this time going all the way to the bottom of the pool. I find a small, square sticker there, part of a board game. I retrieve it and bring it to a dream character who is sitting on the walkway at the side of the pool opposite where I came into the room. He's playing the game that the sticker came from. I hand him the sticker, saying something like, “Here. This is part of your game. I brought this back for you.”

The dream character accepts the sticker and asks me to go over to the far corner of the room (near where I came in) and retrieve another, similar sticker that he dropped. I agree to do so. Before I dive under the water again, I pretend to take a deep breath and hold it, for the sake of appearances. I don't want any of the several dream characters who are around to realize that I have superhuman abilities. I dive toward the bottom corner of the pool at the far end of the room, where two walls come together at an acute angle. I find not only another sticker like the first one, but also a die, a playing card, and other, similar small objects from games. I pick them all up.

I decide to try to get back to the second floor by flying. [Apparently because I want there not to be,] There's no water around me anymore. With a short grunt, I try unsuccessfully to take off. I decide to just climb the nearby stairs to get up to the second-floor walkway.

I walk along the walkway and stop in front of the male dream character playing the game. He asks me, “What was that grunt?”

“I was trying to jump up and fly back to the second floor,” I answer.

“Why?” he asks.

I throw my handful of small game pieces at him. “Because you're a dream character!” I exclaim. [Or it might have been, “Because I'm dreaming!” I don't quite remember. The main point is that I dropped all pretense that I was a regular person with no superhuman abilities at this moment, and admitted to being the dreamer.]

A second later, my conscience kicks in. “Wait. I don't know why I did that,” I say. “That was rude. I'm sorry.”

A woman about my age with short, dark hair joins our conversation at this point. She starts off by addressing me, saying something like, “That's right. You're dreaming.” She, the game-playing DC, and I all proceed to have a long, in-depth conversation on the subject of lucid dreaming. [Unfortunately, I don't remember much of what we said. What I do recall is an overall impression that this woman was an expert on the subject, and that her attitude toward me was that of a supportive older mentor. She seemed interested in my progress and how much I had learned so far.] The dark-haired woman asks me something like, “This is your fortieth or so lucid dream, right?”

“Forty-seventh, or fiftieth, something like that,” I answer.

At another point during the conversation, another guy my age, named Andy, is also there in the room. The dark-haired woman points him out to me as another dreamer. [I had no intention of anything like that happening to me. If it did, it was completely without my desire or consent.]

Andy, the woman, the game-playing DC, and I all walk out of the building onto the coast by my university. We're facing a sea cliff with train tracks running along it. We walk along and come to the grassy, topmost level of an amphitheater, built into the land where it slopes down toward the beach. Below the grassy part are many levels of bleachers made out of a metal mesh.

“I really like floaty things,” I observe, addressing the woman. I point out that there are a lot of colorful helium balloons around, and a lot of the other people who are around are flying small, colorful kites. I have one myself.

The other DCs who are there are passing around a strange contraption. At its center is a device that has a chamber in which marijuana leaves are burning, and a fan. The fan is keeping the semi-transparent plastic garbage bag that surrounds the device inflated. The bag is there to keep the marijuana smoke in, but there is a tear in the plastic near the knot, allowing the smoke to escape at a limited rate so that one might inhale it. One of the other, female DCs in the scene comes over to me and my group and offers us the contraption. The other DCs in my group accept it first and take hits from it, then offer it to me. My immediate reaction to getting the opportunity to try marijuana is, Yay! I can do this without getting in trouble or risking the health of my real body, and if I do it, I can brag about it on the forums! [Meaning DreamViews, of course.]

I accept the blown-up garbage bag and maneuver it so that the tear in the plastic is near my face. This isn't easy to do with the fan device constantly inflating the plastic from the inside and making it move around. When I've gotten the tear as close to my face as I can, I inhale some of the smoke through my nose. It has a plant-like smell. The drug doesn't make me feel any different, nor does it change the environment around me.

My companions and I sit down on the metal mesh bleachers to watch a concert [or something like that]. As I sit down, I try to be careful not to get the string of my kite tangled up with the strings of my companions' kites.

There is a blue reusable shopping bag from Wal-Mart lying just to my left on the metal bleachers. It comes to life and starts wrapping its handles around my left arm and constricting its handles tightly, much like Devil's Snare from the Harry Potter universe. I'm not sure if this occurrence is a weed-induced hallucination or just ordinary dream weirdness. I look up and to my right at the dark-haired woman, who is sitting next to me. She looks back at me with an expression that communicates, “Yeah, this is what I was expecting would happen; how are you going to deal with it?”

I'm a little frightened by the shopping bag attacking me, but I'm still secure in the knowledge that this is a dream, so I'll be safe and sound when I wake up. I close my eyes and think to myself, Take me home. [By which I mean, “Take me back to the real world.”]

I then woke up for real, just as I had desired to do. I was amazed to discover that a full 6 ½ hours had passed since I'd gone to sleep. When I recalled my reaction to the opportunity to smoke marijuana, I laughed derisively at myself and thought, Oh, boy. I need to sort out my priorities.

-----------------------------------
Side notes:
It's certainly fitting that I dreamed about smoking marijuana on the morning of 4/20. I first learned about 4/20 from peers in college, but on a conscious level, I had completely forgotten about it until I found the “Happy 4/20!” thread on DreamViews this morning. My subconscious sure remembered, though. :-)

I've never tried marijuana in real life, so I can't compare the reality to the dream. That might also be why it didn't really make me feel any different: my brain doesn't really know what it's supposed to feel like to be under its influence. I have drunk alcohol in real life, but I haven't done so in a dream yet. If I ever do, I expect it will probably feel just like it does in reality.

I noticed something today: When I write dream journal entries, I write like a scientist. I write down what I've observed and compare my new observations to previous ones. Sometimes I draw conclusions from all these observations. Often, I perform experiments within the dream and report on their results.

Smoked quite a bit of weed before bed, so I have no illusions about why I woke up not remembering much of my dream.

I remember being in a subway I think and this guy was asking me how to he was supposed to do his job. I told him and then I said that he should know his job and that I was just a customer.

I was with a friend when I realized I had to be in class in 30 minutes so I started heading that way....

There was a storm at one point.... my subconscious is really trying to get me.

At one point I was an exchange student in Scandinavia where I got lost and was kind of stressed out about not knowing what was going on anywhere. I've been watching the Danish version of The Killing nonstop lately.
There was more that I can't remember.
I promise to myself to write them down as soon as I awake tonight, enough of this slacking!

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

From the morning after the night before the night before last

Not Intending to Lucid Dream makes me Hungry

I woke at least 4 times throughout the “night” (I have a freakish sleep schedule) and remembered dreams but felt very much a part of them still, like their sounds and visuals were only fading, not gone. I wondered if I was creating them and tried to go back in, though I didn’t think about lucid dreaming. It didn’t cross my mind and I feel that that is good in some way, like I needed to experience my emotions as a “DC” in this dream, that otherwise I could interfere with the purpose of the dream. Or maybe I’m justifying that I was forgetful of lucid intentions. Nah, don’t think so. :p

On a side not, I woke up HUNGRY! Arng arng arng. Where’s the protein?!

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

FFEDCIDD Practice
FFEDCIDD = Face, Feel, Expand, Dissipate, Coalesce, Integrate, Decide, Do

Jealousy roaring up. Expanded about a foot from my body. specks of contained heat (but not touchable?) It was like an insulation, a bit spongy. Jealousy felt bizarre - that might have been the first time I’ve really let myself feel it. I have memories of stuffing it down because it was unattractive.

A loose approximation
(more like just a pretty thing that had similar colors)
by fleicap

Under it a sadness centered in my gut, heart, and throat. The sadness (or maybe my mental reflections on it) brought me to memories of soothing myself as a child by crying into a mirror alone. I feel a lot of resistance to posting that little intimate detail, so maybe forcing myself is the way to go. Gah, I’m not always this serious, an insecure voice inside me is sharply whining and pushing.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

This dream is from the night before the night before last


Book-ended Children

Children running down a sloping sidewalk that curved back and forth. Stone wall along the sidewalk. Cobblestone ground. My consciousness looking down on them as they ran toward “me”. Saying to myself I remember this, I remember reading this. My mom was showing me another reel.

There was something forced about what the children were doing. they didn’t like it but they did relatively well at pretending. I think I knew more about why, that it had something to do with the parents, but I don’t recall now.

Mom put on another old reel. it seemed to be of my father’s side of the family. I knew he would like to see it and wondered at my mom having it instead of him.

In waking life my father idealizes tradition and is also an extraordinarily creative and brilliant man. I think he idealizes being a child, simple carefree yet responsible times. He was a “hippie” black sheep in his family when he was younger. That side of my family had a lot of power that was used for massive capitalistic gains and political influence. There is corruption, greed, addiction, and yet amazing intelligence and creativity smattered around the people. I am curious and feel it is important to know more about this family history. It also makes me feel sick to think of knowing more. My fascination and desire to know the different sides of my family (and myself) usually wins out, though. Well, at least in the internal battles of which I am aware.

I watched the reel on an old contraption that displayed more like a television than a projector. My mom stood to the side, close to the moving picture.

Soft thwacking noises like an old projector. I could almost see the frames as they shuffled past, specks and lines of light flashing and morphing with them.

A man (I think a/the/[my?] father), somber and proud like in older photographs, sat on the right, looking at the camera. The children to the left of him in their sitting positions, and then sat a huge man in a tuxedo complete with tailcoat. The two men were like bookends, the children between them. We’d only been watching it a minute, and mom already wanted to change reels. I said no, I want to see them when they move. I said their body language would be very significant, would show me more about who they actually are. It felt intensely important and I was riveted.

The large, hulking man stood and walked to the right. Maybe 8 or 9 feet tall, who knows, maybe 10. Big, round belly, sloped shoulders. (He reminds me of the way my maternal grandpa looked when he was dying of cancer, that same kind of oval shape, but much more extreme, and more solid and thick.) I didn’t think he was a family member of mine. The father (it was my impression I think, though perhaps it was a waking reflection) stood and slowly walked to the right. I watched his body carefully (from where the audience would be if there was one) and couldn’t tell much about him from the way he walked. It was so slow, as if he was favoring physical pain. His stiffness swallowed up his personality.

There were a lot of dream characters projecting their personae in this dream, like they were conforming to older, more serious social pressures. Personae that were hollow yet strong. Weak, deep, and shallow and full of tightly woven rules.

I feel an association between the father dream character and my paternal great grandfather, father of my father's father. I never knew him. It makes sense, given my grandfather’s and his brother’s dichotomies, success and greed for one, creativity and susceptibility in the other. Or so I've interpreted and oversimplified.

The trickle of this history of family emotions is a reason I think this song taps a large body of water inside me.



“I am out here studying stones
trying to learn to be less alive
using all of my will to keep very still
still even on the inside

I've cut all the pertinent wires
so my eyes won't make their connections
I am holding my breath
I am feigning my death
when I'm looking in your direction

...when all the forbidden fruit is fallen and rotted
well that's when I'm gonna come down"

Even if they’re partial hogwash, I feel love flowing from new understandings.