Fell asleep: 11:30 P.M. (with trazodone)
Woke up: 9:02 A.M.
9 hours 18 minutes sleep last night
7 hours 38 minutes restful sleep
1 hours 39 minutes restless sleep
82 % restful sleep
Dream: I was exploring a new house we were staying at, and I started finding secret doors, but they all just seemed to be alternate paths to other parts of the house until I found this one that led to a dark room. I tried turning on my activity watch's backlight but I don't know if it worked. Still, I could see better, as I spotted books on a table to the left. I could see that they were probably all just romance but I had to be certain, so I walked up to them and skimmed through them with my eyes. Yep, romance.
At some point I realized this was just another familiar room, that it didn't maybe lead to someone else's house like I speculated after I heard a TV running. Then I realize that someone is coming over - dad. Not knowing what else to do, I waited until he was to my right and yelled "Boo!". He wasn't surprised, as usual.
I'm exploring a specific section of the house. I'm crouched down on the floor looking in the nooks and crannies of a shelf or something, and there's a bunch of objects stuffed in there. There's a kid to my right and I realize it was probably him that did it. I pulled out a handful of writing utensils. Then I start looking for diapers, but all I find is toys and stuff.
Fragment: Looking through a hidden house full of some kind of historical stuff packed away, a man discovers me, another pile of hidden stuff back outside near a tree.
1:35 A.M. for 23 minutes
3:45 A.M. for 16 minutes
7:20 A.M. for 41 minutes
9:02 A.M. for 15 minutes
Updated 04-15-2016 at 07:30 PM by 20026
Objective (copied from Watergaze's intent for the night): The quickening moon thing "(Another name is quickening moon from wicca tradition)" caught my eye as it spoke to something I have been looking at. I would like to center the first dream night on this idea. Face yourself towards what is coming to you, to what you are attracting = what is in the direction that you have chosen to face over this period in your life. And welcome it, have the intent of allowing it to happen, of helping it along, of hastening it and of dissolving our resistances towards it coming into our lives. I find the image of the spinning air to be well representing some aspect of quickening and hastening, and of the power that is in speeding something along that might be late in arriving (because it has been waiting for a longer time it has been gathering strength). It first gathers like we gather ourselves before we depart on a journey and it spins faster and faster. I suggest we meet at a beach with the whirlwinds, I have seen such a place in my dreams this night and it was interesting - no need to focus on it as a place to arrive at in dreaming, if you picture this place right now and feel into it I think it might be beneficial . To align with what I speak of that is what I want for this night. Do some attraction magic of sorts .
The image of a road with the whirlwind coming at me has been in my mind here and there and I think welcoming that and not resisting it, not being afraid.. that type of setting is what I want. Then the image of the beach where we all met and where there were these nice tall spinning columns of wind that seemed pretty magical to me. I need strength to face what is coming, or rather where I am heading and I want to go faster. This is what is behind my intent for the first full moon night.
Saw WG initially, in a loosely gathered energy environment. Then my digital calendar comes into view, I'm trying to read whatever is floating across my field of vision. It's the reminder of our appointment for the morning. That's right, I must remember, this is important that I make myself available for this, not miss it. I solidify my intent and then the energy fades.
An actual scene forms. I'm in my car but my mom is driving me and Alan. Him and I get out of the car, my mom is asking who he is. I quickly tell her he's a writer, I'm rather proud as though I had something to do with it; but I don't. She asks what genre, I tell her horror, like Stephen King. I'm really proud of that too. His ability to comprehend the darker versions of reality; not the silly stereotypical horror shows but the deeper, psychological, twisted, and inhumane layers. I'm relieved to have someone like that with me. It means when I'm faced with darker situations, they can't even hold a candle to the experiences I'm intimate with. All other scenarios are laughable and this somehow provides a very safe environment for me to operate within.
Alan and I begin down a hill. I'm explaining we can't leave this place, my mom took my car. He seems annoyed with the limited exit options but doesn't argue over it. Moments later a throaty growl is heard and I move from the bushes. A black wolf rushes out and stands nearby. I approach, trying to understand (meeting the tornado objective of facing fear-provoking experiences). It's hungry. Two children appear and I'm moderately aligned with the wolf's mental processes; it wants to eat the children but resists the urge. Instead, it transforms into a man, steals food from a nearby car. The parents come and attempt to stop him, but I stop the parents. I tell them this is the lesser evil; it is better he eat the food than their children. They seem to understand and we all stand around and wait while the wolfman eats.
I recall only short fragment. I was in school, wandering crowded corridors. Suddenly a man wearing a black suit appeared. He had bright hair and was clean shaven. Everyone started at him. He wanted to talk with me, but I can't recall why.
A picture of Genos from One Punch Man
I remember being in an environment quite like my old highschool. There were people walking around the halls, all unidentifiable and I can remember myself looking for Genos, from the anime and manga series, One Punch Man. I ended up finding a couple guys in a room and I asked them where Genos was. The one looked at me with confusion but then once I mentioned "Cyborg Man" he instantly knew who I was talking about.
The guy then began telling me that, "He's not looking for love" or at least...something of that sort, and that Genos was busy doing work right now. I didn't care anyways and proceeded to go look for him myself. That is when I found myself in a sort of library. Everything had this goldenrod glow emitting in the area. I can remember finding Genos sitting on a step in a corner with some shelving on either side of him. I could then remember getting myself down as if I was some sort of cat or dog waiting to be petted and Genos smiled at me as he took his hand and stroked my face. Passionately he did and I was happy and it felt great. I then sprawled out onto the floor and he began nudging me with his left foot as I brushed up against it. This is when I woke up, due to my damn mother.
Notes: (More to come soon)
Went to bed Around 3 - something AM.
Woke up 9:30ishAM
*Time logged 10:10AM
Total sleep +6 Hours
Stress level throughout the day Annoyed because of my mother. But much more happier when she had gone to bed for the night and I was being loved and cuddled by my fiancι.
*Daytime Did RCs
*Inducing Method N/A
Dream Signs N/A
Perceived Length 30 Minutes
Emotions Love, Happiness
Updated 01-25-2016 at 07:33 PM by 89722
After some brief, barely memorable, meaningful dreams. . .
I'm suddenly opening a shed, and pulling out a .50 caliber gun. I notice the weight of it makes it challenging to carry, but I manage. I slowly carry it into a field, notice the beautiful dark and silent night sky. I begin a slow jog and notice it's easier to carry but it's still bulky, almost half my height and there's not strap for it. A man appears, his skin is dark, and he's looking around. I toss myself behind a small hill and a large rock while trying to avoid being seen. Not that he's dangerous, but just because I'm feeling like an introvert and prefer to remain alone. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm carrying around an illegal weapon for absolutely no good reason so......I'd rather not get into a discussion regarding my nonsensical whims.
Also, I'm not done yet.
He doesn't find what he's obviously searching for, but he seems to think whatever it is is around here. It's rather entertaining to observe him conflicted like this. As I'm watching him I run my hands through blades of grass, simply because it seems so real. I close me eyes, hoping not to be found, reopen them and notice the field is slightly different. The man is gone but now there are gates.
I decide it's best to be done here as I catch sight of another person further off. I head in the direction of the shed, having to pass the next man, he tries to talk to me but I pretend like I don't see him. All he knows is I'm carrying a large gun, perhaps I was out hunting. This isn't strange at all to see someone running through a dark field with a .50 cal, ignoring him...I'm really hoping he self-explains the oddness as his own imagination. Many do.
For some reason as I'm passing gates I feel it necessary to count them. Silently, in my head. One, two, three, four, five, wait, which one was five and am I on six or past six, well I just passed another and am approaching the next, I should hurry up and figure it out before I lose complete count. Oh, there goes another. Well counting the gates was a stupid idea.
I put the gun away and walk off, annoyed with having to end my indulgence prematurely.
Updated 01-08-2016 at 09:30 PM by 70517
Strolling through a school I find a friend (?). I've actually come for him but can't place who I think he is, only that I'm here for him. At first it feels like a date but when we wind up at a beach, I realize it's not quite a date. In fact, I don't feel any kind of romantic feelings coming from him. I continue spending time with him, though he doesn't interact much. I head across the sand and into the water to touch the waves as they ascend the shore. After an usually long and stabilized visitation session, I approach him and finally speak to him. I ask him what we're doing here.
He finally looks at me, actually focusing on me. The beach scene instantly fades and the school grounds re-appear. He begins showing me a piece of paper with words on it. I feel mildly inept as the words refuse to come into focus and I can't help but notice the blank spots of missing words. I might as well be reading a classified document where every other word is covered.
We walk inside to continue the conversation. A woman runs in, pulls a handgun, and begins shooting at people. Others with guns begin rushing the building. I look for cover, notice a small crate to crouch behind but realize it's not large enough for two people. I yank the man to the floor with me and then give him a forceful shove toward the crate. I duck my head beneath my hands as I lay myself flat on the floor. For once the man is experiencing an emotional reaction--not fear but surprise. I just can't see what he's surprised about; I assume it's either my reaction or the people who just entered.
When I look up to get a better grasp of the situation, my vision settles on the woman who had entered first. She's popping off shots but time slows for me. I'm watching the actual fire from the impact of the bullet as it leaves the barrel. I'm concerned for the man I'm with, he's .... mortal? He's capable of being injured. While I'd prefer not be shot, it's not something having permanent consequences so I'm less concerned for myself.
I opt to play dead as I've decided the people here aren't directly coming for me and the man. One of the attackers, a man, walks over to me and shots me in the back. It doesn't hurt per-say, just a faint stinging sensation. I'm more focused on keeping myself here in the scene as my vision begins to fall out of focus. I stare at my friend, the man I'd shoved into the corner and he decides to stop hiding to attack the man. I'm somewhat upset about his response. I'd rather he remained unnoticed and while I appreciate his desire to fight back, remaining invisible seemed the better option.
I'm walking through a building with others I can't recall well. I've been tasked with setting a very large industrial fire. While I greatly enjoy being given this task and can execute it well, there's a detail persuading me from completing the task. There's a small risk of a young child being inside when the fire erupts....so to counter the concern I acquire the child and keep him with me while the fire is set. This works. Once the fire is over our group enters the building only to find minimal damage--nothing at all like how it was intended. There was damage but very little structural damage. All surface stuff, provoking an emotional reaction but not doing anything significant. I know why this turned out badly; my concern for the child dampened the execution. Another person had tried telling me to drop concern for the child but I remember fighting them on this aspect. There obviously will be casualties but certain people shouldn't be involved.
I woke up in my bed. It was midnight. I decided to visit my pal, so I went outside. It was dark all around. When I got to crossroad I saw that a shop was moved to another side. It was lit inside, there was somoene standing on the sidewalk. It was a man, he was wearing blue jacket and blue trousers. He was holding a bag in his hand. I thought "You haven't seen anything." and then he said "I haven't seen anything! I swear!" I moved on. Just as I left him behind I said "It's a dream. I'm dreaming.", and got to house of my pal. Instead of entering it through front door, I jumped through the window to his room. There was his brother inside, wearing a black suit and writing some words on a paper. I asked "Preparing for tomorrow?" and he replied "No, just writing. And when it comes to my brother, he's not home. He drove to some kind of a camp, and will be back in a week.". Then the dream ended.
Dl1 - On a bus, looking out the window at street going by. Notice that a tall slim man in a long coat is peeking at me every now and then. Trying not to meet my gaze. Snooping on me.
I get off and head into a market place but he is still tailing me. At a stall selling miscellaneous crap, handbags and things, he is standing right the other side as I feel is blocking my route further. I retrace my steps but cannot lose him.
Dl2 - Repeating dream -> when I say repeating I mean it seems to go on for ages with something the same/similar happening I often get these. Does anyone else I wonder. Like a thought going round and round.
Archangels are being visualised in greater and greater detail each cycle giving increased chance of incubations success. They seem to be getting different details/colours as they get higher. Each time it is getting harder to do.
Dl1 - Driving around the neighborhood, indistinct local roads, all very grey. Collide with other car driver (old ds). Agree to give him some more and pull out wad of cash. But trick him, the money is not to fix his car but to pay for him to do some work for me.
He has to write a long essay for me.
Dl2 - In an office, im given a form that has been filled out. I must change the form as its all filled out incorrectly: wrong address, lots missing. I fill out some details then ring firm to check they have not acted on application yet. It's ok there is still time to change the details before they go live on their system. The application is fraudulent, all the needed information is taken from random spurious sources.
Dl3 - A country had been invaded by someone. I can see a kind of zoomed out view of the country with the natives highlighted black and the invading army highlighted in red.
It shows there are far more invaders that native peoples and where highest concentrations are.
I am standing on a hillside (zoomed out) overlooking the shores of the other country and far off towns, undersiege. I need to save the country. I abseil down cliffs to the beach below. There are some caves below the chalk cliffs.
A bearded man asks if I want to buy some vials of earth. The earth is in different colours and is good for your health. I buy some and taste it, it's disgusting.
He then sells me a selection of balloon like worms of different colours. I take one out and it crawls/slides onto my face. This one is whitish in colour, looks a bit like intestines. Every hair on my body stands up as it crawls over my lips and feeds on me. I try to move it away and it goes onto my neck. I scream inwardly Aaaaaaaaaa!!!!
Dl4 - I go across the sea and again see a zoomed out view of all the important towns and roads. I choose to land away from the main towns where the land slopes down. I travel through some weird stick forest, where the trees are like giant twigs. I manage to get through without being spotted.
Again, I see zoomed out view of towns on hillside. I set fire to a giant CD, shiny silver and roll it at town at bottom of the hill. It sets fire to the town and a chain reaction is set in motion as town after town is set ablaze.
The main towns do not realise until it is to late and the battle is won.
The leaders of the opposing army are brought to meet with the other sides leaders.
All seems victorious until a knight of the other sides army grabs a gigantic sword, claymore and proceeds to cut everyones heads off in one swing. Leading to a sudden reversal of fortunes.
The bit with the worms were too vivid and bit with the earth was the first time I recall tasting anything in a dream...I think.
Updated 11-03-2015 at 06:53 PM by 88638
Notes since the last update:
1. In a town and I kept getting turned around. Someone I trusted was supposed to meet me but hadn't. I find a street corner and read the sign, it tries to blur out initially but I fix that and force it to settle. I call the person on my cell and tell him where I am. He says he's on his way. Night is falling, I walk into a nearby sandwich shop. I'm standing inside the shop, looking at the counter. No employees or patrons, just the eerie buzzing of the electric current running through the neon signage. It's peaceful here--being lost. The silence is calming, it's almost like it isn't real, I'm not real.
A man interrupts me, we move to continue the conversation at a metal table outside. He's said something to make me laugh. I feel happy, at ease. Then the person I'd called earlier arrives and I remember who I am--it seems I had forgotten for a few moments. A rather nice sensation, to be honest. I stand and politely excuse myself.
2. I began in a forest, darkness, noticed yellow light nearby, went toward that. I arrived in a parking lot and looked around. This is when I noticed both my parents dead. The scene gave the impression it was car accident, given the position of their bodies and their injuries. Then comes the aftermath of coping with the consequences of their death, something I was greatly surprised by, given both their experience with cancer. Was quite sad.
3. A woman has helped me move my most beloved memories into a filing cabinet (which resembles the one from my waking life), and when the two men with electric saws arrive their efforts to break in are unsuccessful. Being not lucid, I can't seem to figure out how their saws are unable to break through an old, dented filing cabinet. It's not even locked.
4. A tiger gives a random appearance and as I move to protect people in a building from it, a black and white dog interacts with it right outside the door I'm holding shut. It turns out the tiger is young and not aggressive, given its behavior with the dog. Dream fades once I've made that determination--although I notice a second tiger keeping a distance.
5. I stumble upon a scene where a young girl is being murdered. I fast-forward past the actual killing, seeing it but not in detail, then slow it to regular speed once the forensic team arrives. One of the women crawl beneath a shelf in the girl's room to get a better view or understanding and I do so too. There's a moment where I'm staring at the ceiling, much like how I'd seen the girl do, lost in the moment. I walk outside, about to leave, past a wall, but I turn around to the entrance. There are rusty bikes, vines, a broken sidewalk, old newspapers. This area gives me trouble--I'm aware there are bones beneath the old papers and soil. Bones of young children. I'm torn between actually digging through the soil to confirm my suspicion and leaving it be. The longer I'm here, the more I seem to know or ... remember, though that's such a strange consideration. As I'm trying to understand it, I become spooked and decide I don't want to know, I can't handle this, whatever this is. Not right now. Dream fades.
6. I emerge in another place, with much lighter emotions. I'm following up on something I had set into motion prior and while doing this, Sen pops in. Very much NOT part of the scene I was experiencing. He asks me if I have a moment, he wants to ask me something. I tell him sure, just let me finish this. Can't recall what I was doing but I finished and was set to wake. During the waking process (~a ten second transition at most) I remember Sen wanted to ask me something. I try to remain in the dream, wanting to go back to that, but it slips away and I wake.
From October 11, 2015:
I awaken to find myself standing in a small room and gazing at a mattress on the ground with two female forms splayed across. A darkened entity goes unnoticed until I move one of the forms, sending her away. The other form is already dead or not worth saving, the same assessment really. Once the one girl leaves the entity becomes animated and begins staggering in my direction. I back up slowly, not sure what it will do. As it emerges into the light I notice the dark brown leathery skin, no real face, a very ugly creature. Very ugly and angry creature. I enter a white-walled hallway, picking up my pace. I'm not under the impression that it's dangerous but there's an acute concern to remain out of its reach.
As I emerge from the hallway I enter a library, lucidity hits as I'm actively searching for an exit. I phase through a bookcase, turning it into a door, cross over, turn a corner, repeat. What raises my concern is the creature was able to follow me, though not directly through the same doors--it had created its own doors. For a few crossings we remained just a single bookcase away from one another. I begin phasing through walls, using those as doorways. Countertops too. Some walls were more solid than others, random pushes revealed softened doorways.
Eventually I lose her while discovering that I've arrived in a mall with many other people. I exit the small only to be greeted by a horde of vampires. One of the vampires attaches itself to my neck, like a leech. Being unable to remove him, I call for help. While there's no sense of pain from being suctioned onto, I notice my mental awareness is fading quickly. It reminds me of being drunk and I notice the slow yet consistent decrease in focus; this concerns me, prompting me to act now while still able to.
I shout again, calling out for a specific person though I had trouble concentrating and I'm not entirely sure who I was calling out for. My focus and vision was swirling in a chaotic tornado of information. Sensory overload and I was shutting down. I see a man appear, one who is vampire like them. However he's selective of his food source and was more enlightened, I suppose. He pulls the guy off my neck and genuinely seems annoyed with me. He informs me I have two (lives?) left. That makes little sense to me, I've no clue what he's referring to.
Going back into the mall I run into three women. These women remind me of nuns because their hearts are open, a clear willingness to help. They offer to pray for me, which I understand to mean heal me. I agree, but when they begin a baby begins to cry. I focus on the baby, its darkened heart, and I tell the nuns to help it instead of me. I'm an adult, will survive regardless. They refuse my request and I settle down, prepared to receive their prayer. As they begin the offering of their own energy, I inhale their gift; taking in their energy, much like drawing a liquid through a straw. I notice it takes less than a minute of meditation on my end to feel back to normal. They are very--potent. Which is a nice change. One speaks for the group and informs me to stop, which I do. There is an urge to continue feeding but do as they ask.
A short while later I bump into a man. I know his character, but not him. I view him as an actor and go on to ask about his character's trajectory. I'm concerned he is near to his character's death and am disheartened with this idea. He mentions a trailer and reminds me of having viewed it. He explains he's nowhere near to being retired. It's simply an intermission and right now a group of us are occupying his cafe, he's reading and researching, offering less opportunity for direct interaction but that's alright as I was doing something similar.
1. Lucid, I'm with a man and someone else. An avalanche is approaching and I quickly tell the man we need to leave. He goes in the wrong direction, the direction where I'll wake. I explain my issue and he comes with me in the opposite direction. He's carrying a 'magical' book and needs to put it together and I try to help him but a different man interrupts. I've managed to stay asleep but we need to keep moving. I tell him we need to leave this place entirely. It's making me unstable. We jump to a rooftop, I attempt a magical spell that has absolutely no creativity in the command, but it's the best I have in this reality-based location. He leads me to a dream location, one that's much more stable but now he's vanished. I walk into a building where I watch as my belongings have been packed and stored. It seems I've been away for a long time. The people don't see me, but I experience some sense of relief. Closure for them in doing this. A woman specifically--daughter?
2. I'm on a long stretch of road, searching for a vague place where a meeting is to be held. There's a turn off leading to a parking lot but I'm careful and don't want to get out yet. I decide this isn't the place and return to the road, though a block away I have a strong urge to turn back. Traffic picks up and it's difficult to backtrack, taking a while, but eventually I arrive in the parking lot. I meet with a woman I seem to know. I tell her we've gone too far, the mall area we're walking near is at the border of this 'place' and we need to gain a more central position. I lead her to the center.
Once here, I experience a strong sense of recognition. I pass through glass automatic doors into a dimly lit room. There's a painting on the wall I notice. This is a classy location though I'm reminded it isn't real. Then again, what is 'real'. For now this place is real as I'm currently experiencing it; a shared location. I look down and notice my bare feet, begin thinking of how I wish this place accommodated better. I mention this dream accommodation to the woman I'm walking with then look back to my feet. Feet are blurry but I notice I'm wearing black sandals, the left is on my right foot and the right on my left foot. Clearly this could use some work, though I can't feel the sandals and figure there's no sense fixing or removing them. It is but a minor detail and there are larger concerns at the moment.
When I emerge onto a deck area I notice a group of ten or so. We are all waiting. An announcement is made. A way of recognizing another like ourselves (dream beings, demons, I'm unsure which aspect was up for recognition). They way we kiss, there's something about our nipples? It made sense when hearing it but doesn't make sense now as I'm trying to describe it. Immediately after this a woman with a sheer top caught my interest. Her nipples became my focus, wondering how that knowledge could be applied. Interesting to note was the reactions of those present. They seemed highly relieved to have a method of recognition--which made me wonder, are we that difficult to recognize that we can't do so even among ourselves? Apparently not.
There's a pier, a boat, a man on the boat. He's seated. I'm kinda just passing through the area, following something, not sure. I step onto the boat and feel his eyes on me. I stop, having felt the peak of awareness. I delve into that awareness to see what piqued the interest. I'm listening to his thoughts. He's commenting to himself that I'm the woman in his vision. I'm curious now, what vision? I see the vision play for me, I see myself falling off the boat, the wetness. I yank myself out of his awareness, thinking to myself that I hadn't fallen in the water. So it's not as though his vision played out. As I'm considering this, I'm growing concerned of falling into the water. If I'm not careful my own awareness will drag me into the water. Instead of that, I quickly step off the boat. He kinda watches with a fair level of curiosity. Nothing exciting really, just something he's noting in his mind. I find that odd. I find him odd.
I'm in a cave and see a beautiful woman leap into the water. Her beauty in the way she moves, her silence and gracefulness. Once she enters the water others join her. They're guiding, then attempt to trap her. I jump into the water, make an attempt to follow her, the scene changes into a maze. The natural rock that was once before is no longer. She's trapped within this maze, hunted. The others are shooting an underwater arrow at her and after some observation I notice they can't see her unless the arrow touches her. Knowing what she's attempting to do I leap into her body and attempt to help her.
Now we're both swimming. I'm urging her in various directions but after awhile there are four people in the water and the maze has become a simple square. There is no escape. I leave her for a moment to observe from the top of the square. I'm noting how calm she is given the situation, especially having shared a mind her with. She hasn't panicked or given up; she's fighting. A man arrives and leaps into the water. He grabs her and they vanish, but my perspective travels with them (?)
He releases her in a different environment, then him and another man go to a motel for the night. The one that saved the woman is being questioned by the friend about having some sort of stature. The friend had asked something like, "Hey, aren't you one of the (Avengers)?" I remember laughing, thinking that was cheesy and while he's not an 'Avenger' he is of that stature. The man replies that yeah, he is that. The friend asks why they're staying at a motel then...implying there should be a house at the very least.
The history plays out for me visually, as I'm wondering the same thing. Turns out the man had been attacked, house destroyed by a fire, he currently has no place to go. Both the man and the friend see the irony in the situation, yet the man makes no mention of the fire to his friend.
I watch the pair arrive in their room. One of them mentioned the couch. Neither of them bother turning on the lights so the scene is very dark and fading. I remember thinking over the entire situation from when I first saw that woman on the side of the cliff, prior to her leap into the water--noting how she could have never known the man was coming, yet she displayed all the confidence of knowing things would turn out alright; even when threatened with her death. My thoughts drift to the man. Although he has more ability than most, he questions the meaning of his actions, seeing them as insignificant.
I find him and the woman an odd pair.
Quick notes from June 30:
-movies, restrooms, outside, my feet are bare, search for slippers, find spider or plant slippers, decide to go barefoot.
-Looking for someone. Watching from a car in the parking lot. Basketball courts.
-Town. Playing a simple role until I find an Asian man. We transition into a bedroom. This part is especially vivid. I'm reclined on a king size bed, seated in the middle of it, he's absentmindedly pacing at the foot of the bed. My left arm is spread out touching the sheets; I bend each knee and the sensation of the sheets feel silky. He's providing me a vision of our future--a lecture. I see it as he tells me how we'll move from town to town, searching for others like us. He tells me I must end friendships with anyone military related as they couldn't be trusted (this was because we had a secret to keep, though I couldn't tell what exactly--the concern was the conflict of interest and he was wanting to be exceptionally safe as it concerns to our survival). He tells me we will do this so I can continue being a 'girl'. I understand him to mean he'd like to protect my innocence and privacy...so that I/we can live a normal life. I appreciate his effort but silently note the flaws in this arrangement. One of which is his lack of freedom. Though I know he's not concerned with himself, but I am.
He walks to the side of the bed to continue talking. This is when I notice his dark hair is wrapped in a similarily dark cloth. He's a thoughtful friend, protective. I'm just not convinced I need protecting but upon more thought I realize protection can come in many forms. Being shielded from speculation is a form of protection.
-Conversation with a very old friend. He's asking me if I'm jealous that a close friend of mine and him 'hooked up' (they had hooked up in the tonal recently). I give his question thoughtful consideration before answering honestly. I tell him that I had liked him a decade ago, in that way. However, I'm not one to push relationships and am generally guarded. I had no expectation that him and I would end up in a relationship--our trajectories were different and I saw that future. Now that my friend is in a relationship with him and I have heard her stories of the unfolding, I've seen the trajectories manifest. So while I am somewhat disapointed, I can't say I'm jealous. They are appropriate for one another and I don't desire the relationship they have with one another (they're ex-fuck buddies). He doesn't believe me (lol). I look around the room at the people in the surrounding environment (classroom from our middle school). He walks away with a slight look of both belief and disbelief. I make no effort to convince him; he'll either believe me or he won't. I'm no better or worse either way.