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Morning of August 7, 2015. Friday.



A child is at a door and cannot quite reach the doorknob (which is atypically high). I only see her silhouette.

“Here, let me get that for you…” She is gone. I hear the sound of the beanbag chair breaking. It is, as always, remote viewing.

I hate to interrupt an artist. Carroll (who looks eerily like my brother-in-law but only from some angles and only at certain times) acknowledges my presence with a respectful nod.

“What do you see?” He asks.

I find myself in a continuously changing three-dimensional landscape that is like a “real” version of “Zoo Scene”. I see what looks like giant butterflies fly about in and out of the structure. I enjoy the imagery for several minutes.

It becomes the real version. I see something that, once I see it, I cannot “unsee” it.

It is a “shark fin” within the structure that is in reality, the road going away from behind the structure. “A predator…” Carroll acknowledges me respectfully and nods.

“You are not to blame for every disadvantaged soul…or for any life ever taken,” he says.

I would tend to agree. Love and respect. In every place. In every time.

I think there were a lot of things on this dream, but I remember just one scene:
I was inside a small, square-shaped cyan room, and one wall was replaces by a giant fish tank. There was a giant pipe incrusted in a corner and some fish laying in the floor.

It was creepy, but the thing has turned creepier when the blue one flew into me (I'm sure there wasn't water) and tried to kiss me. I slapped the fish, but he returned and I slapped it again.
That blue fish was quite strange. It looks like a regal tang-colored angel fish.

Well, what do you think it means?

Finally! After two weeks of trying to lucid dream once again, I finally have another one. As usual, I woke up before sunrise and went back to sleep, reminding myself to do reality checks if I dream.

The Dream

The dream started off as a false awakening nightmare. I was lying on my bed in the dark and there were these figures in the shadow talking about how much they hate me because all my weaknesses and insecurities. They talked about how much they hated me and that my roommates are trying to kick me out because they are starting to dislike me. Then I tell myself to stay calm - this is just a dream.

I floated on up and out of my bed to use the bathroom. I did another reality check by looking at my hands. My fingers were deformed; it must be a dream then because my fingers aren't broken in real life. I looked into the bathroom mirror and saw that my hair was gray and my skin was wrinkly; this must be a dream since I'm much younger in real life. I jumped and try to fly, but could not - it felt too real. Next, I decided to open the closet. I tried to imagine something magical. But there wasn't: There was a teddy bear on the top rack and a glass of red wine in the lower one.

I was apprehensive about drinking the wine since I don't know what will happen after. Why did my subconscious offer me a teddy bear and a glass of red wine? Why did I turn into an old man with deformed hands? I don't know what possessed me about I held the large wine glass with two hands, bowed to the closet, and gulped it down as though it were an antidote. I blanked out.

Dream Signs: Looking into the mirror. Hand/finger check. Nightmare.

Interpretation: A very literal reflection of my fears and insecurities.

Morning of August 7, 2015. Friday.



This was an atypical extraordinary dream that was quite long and exhausting. I can only relate some scenes as much of it was abstract.

In one part of my dream, my wife Zsuzsanna (though at a much younger age before we met) seemed to be oddly played by the role of a white female; actress Mary Beth McDonough. After a time, she is more like a composite. As most people have learned over time from my extensive online journal, it is ludicrous that anyone other than the dreamer could associate or “interpret” anything in his or her dream. The idea is so preposterous (not to mention disturbing) that I could fill an entire book with how wrong this concept is. In fact, this tiny little facet of just one dream proves that.

No one but me could possibly relate why this dream facet manifested. It is because of one minor association between my wife and Mary Beth McDonough that only I could know, that being the deer symbol. This is because both my wife and her had photographs taken of feeding and petting a deer around the same age, and that is obviously the first thing that comes to mind for me.

No one but me could decode the next scene, either. Over time, I am concerned about this character’s safety. Her “parents” (though they seem completely unfamiliar) talk to me about her future and for a time, it almost seems as if I am the father. The male is dressed as in the painting “My Father Was Big As A Tree” from 1955 and does not remove his hat.

Something happens to where her fake father seems to be causing her trouble or preventing her spiritual growth by preaching some form of skewed Christianity. She sits on the couch with her arms folded much of the time. I begin to develop a special discernment that I cannot call lucidity, because I am not lucid. I tell the male that it is impossible for him to alter the destiny of a master since the patterns exist in the world itself. I become angry.

In this way as if noticing me as who I am for the first time (related to any faux back story), he seems to see me in a different light as I feel, for whatever reason, that I need to protect the actress (who is looking more like my wife-to-be). I feel an exhausting level of energy and blow out towards him as he shouts “Manny! Manny!” to his wife, and he transforms into a butterfly under my will as he escapes through the front open doorway of the unfamiliar residence. I expect him to not make it across the front yard.

“That girl was ta…” (thunder). Police cars take my schoolmate away. I want to live in the sky, away from humanity and those who so effortlessly prey on the innocent without remorse..and all the while playing the victim. I saw the signs and no one ever listened. No one ever does.

From here, I reach down and feel my left leg and notice it has transformed into a deer’s leg and I can clearly feel the foot. It seems very intriguing and vivid and I brush over the fur on my left leg. My wife is herself again and I am once again thankful that no other path would ever have given me life.

I then see myself in a painting where I am separated from humanity by a gulf that will always be reflected in “Alien Child” (as the original artist apparently saw himself). The painting “Alien Child” burns and so does “Hostile Butterflies”.

Only I know…

Morning of August 7, 2015. Friday.



I will try to refrain from another titular trend (such as “or not” in this case).

In my dream, I am once again on Loomis Street at my sister (deceased) Marilyn’s house. It seems to be early afternoon. My wife Zsuzsanna is with me at the house.

An unknown person (a young female in a jogging outfit, jogging southward) comes by our house and leaves a huge computer motherboard on our front sidewalk for some reason (just giving it to us, or perhaps thinking of our front yard as a dumping ground - this is not certain). The motherboard is about eight times the size of a real one. I am not sure what to do with it as it is older technology and I would likely have no use for it.

As I am wondering what to do with this junk, as it remains lying across our front sidewalk, along comes an (unknown and unfamiliar) older male that takes notice to it. A few other (unknown) people also crowd around for a short time. He asks me if he can look at it and I say yes (though I had not even looked at it). On one corner (upper left from my view), he takes notice to a particular chip which is apparently a bit newer than the motherboard itself. He asks me if he can buy it (the one single chip) for twenty dollars. This sounds very good to me and I feel quite cheerful upon hearing this. As I did not pay any money and someone else had just dropped it off for whatever reason, twenty dollars sounds good even if I give him the entire board, which I am thinking of telling him.

As the motherboard is lowered to the ground I notice at least six jars of peanut butter attached to it in a line over the top, each about two jar spaces apart, which seem to serve as some sort of conduit (or perhaps even additional power source). After several minutes pass, the male stands with his chin in hand gazing at the motherboard. He eventually looks at the chip again and tells me that the serial number on it is one day off from the chip he was looking for. This makes no sense to me as it is not relevant to specific timing of movement (such as with two cassette decks that are most usable when the model is identical, as the capstan is the same speed, or otherwise the variation would be too extreme for dubbing or oversampling).

He looks at me and seriously states “I’m not paying twenty dollars for that!” as if I was the one that told him that he should give me the money for it. I then tell him that he can just take what he wants, including the whole motherboard itself. I come to the conclusion that he is just “off his rocker” and do not say anything after this. The scene vaguely reminds me of one years ago when a very drunken male bought one of my father’s old tools (and I could tell he had no idea what it was, which was a very specialized large drill extension and I even asked him if he was sure he had use for it) and he dropped it on his foot and blamed me for dropping it. I am surprised he even managed to walk from the area. (My father had made a lot of sidewalk sections in addition to building public utilities and residential work in both La Crosse and Arcadia during the same period he was on the radio and local venues.)

This dream was precognitive (in some ways) of a message I received from a former member of one dream journal site, but I will not get into the specifics at this time. I can say that peanut butter often represents human waste in certain types of dream scenarios. The jars of peanut butter on the motherboard are a reference to what was said in a message about grooming and trolling on the Internet.

Night of August 7, 2015. Friday.



Oh no, not this “or not” again. (Someone slap me.)

Well, here is another little “weird” one. I do not have a Tower of Hanoi puzzle in real life (at least on hand) unless the baby-toy variation is relevant (my first guess being “no”). This is just a brief and skewed “anniversary” dream, I think, of playing around with a version of the Tower of Hanoi (and there are apparently several variations). Though it has shades of postcognition, I am more-so inclined to believe I might have seen the newspaper very recently due to the extensive level of research I have been doing of late.

One of the newspaper headlines I would have seen (while living on Rose Street) on August 7, 1965 reads “REDS ASK HANOI AID”. What this has to do with my dream, I remain clueless. Because the word “aid” appears, I assume it may be a play on help in solving the Hanoi Tower (which I have not really messed around with in years, the last time being a computer game version of it). Of course, maybe it is something that looks like the Hanoi Tower, and, specific to the date (August 7) perhaps metaphorically relating to three people who are passing something of a puzzling nature between the three of them.

No clue otherwise.

I was a general, leading an army consisting of cavalry and bowmen. We were moving uphill. We could see enemy forces down the hill, in a huge valley. After placing bowmen on the hill, with cavalry we charged the enemies.

I was with my boyfriend in a really big building which somehow I knew was a bank. We were going down some stairs when something made me question my reality, so I looked at my hands and I saw a few more fingers than usual. I must have expressed my surprise somehow, because he asked me what was going on. I told him I was dreaming and I would try one of DV's ToTM which I had in mind: eating a moon rock. I got very excited because I would have the wings for the 8th of August, which is the day when exactly two years ago I had my first lucid dream.

At this moment I felt the dream fading away, probably because of the excitement, but I was determined not to lose this chance. When I awoke, I kept my eyes closed and concentrated on going back into the same dream. After a few seconds, I felt a strange sensation, as if my body was physically going through some kind of portal, and suddenly I was in the dream, lucid, again. I concentrated to make it look as similar to the other dream as possible and I succeeded. I then decided to go to one of the windows, which led to a terrace, and I imagined what a moon rock would look like. A white-greyish rock, the size of a tennis ball and with an uneven surface, appeared and I picked it up. I took a bite. The texture was earthy, as if it were soil (so to speak) and it was bitter in taste. I made a wry face and I put the rock down.

I suddenly became lucid during a regular dream when I looked down and noticed my hands looked strange. I was in a house... again. This time I didn't feel trapped, but I felt hopeless and unable to do anything, with no dream control at all. I walked through the house, intending to go outside, but then out of the corner of my eye I saw a square hole cut into the wooden floor. It was just big enough to climb down, and it seemed to radiate evil and darkness, with a staircase going down it... so I went down it. It seems I have this weird fearlessness in my dreams that I fail at in real life. I think its my determination to find what I want, like I'm so sick and tired of my lucids not working that I've stopped giving a fuck about nightmare things. They're only in my way, after all. As I walked down the stairs to the bottom, I turned the corner and the first thing I saw was a spider web with crazy things in it, like the big black scribble I remembered seeing on a nightmare creature in a dream a few weeks ago. I kept walking, down a huge wide hallway that was dusty with a hard packed dirt floor. It was dark but I could see a little in the distance. There was a tall, lanky grey alien standing a little bit ahead of me, and he moved closer, blinking in and out, without actually moving his body. When he finally got to me, I was just like FUCK YOU and slapped out my hand, and he turned transparent and faded away. I continued walking. I was looking for Seru to come break me free, but I was frustrated that I couldn't find him and he wasn't showing up when I called. Then I felt my dream fading and I returned to my waking body, but I lay perfectly still and attempted to re-enter the dream.

As I lay there, I went into sleep paralysis while waiting which just kept going and going until I finally gave up. But when I opened my eyes and sat up, I found I was back in the dream. It was super unstable though, so I focused on my surroundings, feeling things and noticing the sounds and smells... dank and musty. I was touching a metal bar or table and it was cold and hard. I continued down the hallway and came to an opening that was on the right side of the hallway. It was some kind of balcony open to the evening sky and the sun was going down. The ground outside was almost pitch black but the sun was bathing the balcony in a nice orange glow. But I couldn't get off it and go outside. I turned around toward the hallway and looked down it and figured I'd just sit and wait for Seru since that always seems to work. Arrogant domineering asshole, always wanting to be the initiator in any situation... Just then I saw some sunlight breaking through the hallway ceiling, illuminating it with rays of light and, and he was standing far down at the end of the hallway. He moved towards me but I couldn't see his face then, because it was in the shadow. When he came close, he jumped into the air and flew past me quickly, through the balcony into the evening sky. I jumped up and flew after him, breaking through the house and off the balcony as well. I flew behind him for a while, even though he was going pretty damn fast and I had a hard time catching up to him. But I was able to slowly catch up and fall in beside him... I was afraid he'd look over at me and have some creepy nightmarish face since I'd found him in the nightmare basement, but once I was parallel with him, he looked over at me with a smile and he looked regular. I guess moods and setting doesn't have any effect on a dream guide. I was so damn happy that he broke me out of the house again that I reached over and kissed him... it was a really vivid kiss, and felt real. Which was weird, because I can still imagine the feeling. When I did that, he stopped and wrapped his arms around me (what a sweetie. still an arrogant asshole though) We did some fun pervy things, but then I remembered I wanted to ask him something, so I asked if he really was my dream guide or if the last time I asked him was just a fluke. He reassured me that he was, but then he stopped and gave me a strange look, and I realized the dream was fading away again. Never got to finish my pervy stuff. Pityyyyyy.

Stained Carpet
I'm at my House and I see some footage of Eddie having sex with some girl. Shes above average in looks. Eddies dick looks dark brown and well endowed. Eddy is in Dave's room, which is eddies now. Ed asks for a drink and I go get one for him. I fill it up in a small glass that doesn't fit much in it. Someone is with me helping me through the process. The liquid looks weird, as it's looking like its overlapping each other. I take it to Eddy and notice a bad stain on the carpet. I stress out wondering how to clean it. Someone says to use a method where u clean it from underneath the floor boards. I ask about normal method of just dabbing it with a wet cloth.

Im at the park in marinda. Im with a group of people that are complaining about the stain. They're looking to take the other person to court over it. I check the stain again and it's fine. The writing near the stain has been modified a little and is off its angle a bit. I change my mind and want to tell them that we should just let it be and not sue. I see a warehouse. I'm trying to find faults in it. I see a tire sticking out a bit and a few bumps in places. Another group is next to us and they are warming up for something by saying chants. I imagine getting out group to do same thing.

I rock up at a house with brother. See Ron and older gentleman and someone else across the road. They're in garage sitting at a table drinking beverages. I give them a wave. I walk into the house we arrived and see Nat on the couch. Dave tries waking her up, and I join in and tug on her legs. Dave tells me not to do it, as she might get upset. Now Dave talks to one of a girls. I think a lot of these people are gay. I see 2 good looking girls come in, I think they're lesbians. One of the girls asses looked really small. I sit down on couch with my bro and the others. Bro tells me that we'll go soon due to thinking that I wouldn't want to be there due to everyone being gay. I say I'm cool with that, as I'm not anti gay. A guy sits next to me and pushes me into my chair a little. I say I recognize him. He tells me that he knows I recognize him because I wanted to beat him at anything. He's wearing a suit and looks important. Except his head looks a little big. He offers to challenge me at something. He explains the first step that is 5 draw poker. He says he's really good at poker. I feel I'm weak at anything that's not hold em poker. I see scene of cards, explaining the game

Dream Fragment
I'm sitting down at a school desk and Jane is the teacher. I think there's only myself and 1 other. I see text in my vision. It's got a few fruit emojis in the text. The emojis are spaced out oddly, so I correct them. Jane give a lecture on the reason why middle age women are not able to fall pregnant. She explains that it's in the mind and that young women don't seem to have that problem.

I remember explaining to someone my reasoning about wanting to go to New Zealand, because I loved big mountains...

I was, for some reason, going into my old middle school with people from my high school to eat dinner in the cafeterias. We must have been together for some sort of a program, but I'm not really sure. I know that I stayed behind a bit while everyone went to dinner. Then, I walked towards the cafeteria and began to feel kind of numb... my whole body was pretty numb, but in a "feeling-sick" kind of way. I knew I would have to lay down or something eventually, but first I checked the line. I walked towards the end of the folded line and saw that it was too long, so I began to walk back down the hallway.

On my way back, I saw an open room with some things that interested me (I can't remember what they were). I walked into the room - a dimly lit computer lab - and saw some very new-looking computers (some of which were turned on) and identical, quality backpacks that were resting on most of the chairs, all with a sleek laptop in them. My reaction to this was natural, but right after seeing them the principal (or someone in "high authority" at the school) walked in rather quickly to bend over and quickly use one of those new computers (it was touch screen, I had another natural reaction to this fact). He mentioned to me what was going on and why he was in a rush: a student with some sort of known health problem or impairment was having an emergency situation and he was getting her help. Apparently it was a really big deal because he said that she would be in the hospital for a while. Then, he said I should make her a piece of art for when she's in the hospital. I was all, "Why would you say this? I'm not an artist," and he was all, "Actually, I've seen some past work you've done, you should/can do it,"- he then walked over to the wall of the room and pulled up some sort of cover that hid a piece of art that I had previously made. It was a large piece with some nice shading in shadowy areas, lots of blues, angles, and in the bottom portion some nice water that was moving naturally as water in my dream (I seemed to know in the back of my mind that it was a dream, because I reacted as if I knew this when I saw the water, it made me smile). I recalled making this in a previous art class, but I had definitely forgotten about it since (I never actually made the piece). I said something like, "Wow, this actually looks pretty good with the lighting in here!" because I had really forgotten about it and was legitimately surprised that I - apparently - used to be good at art.

During this time, I had still been feeling that numbness and sickness, but it didn't prevent me from talking to the man. I told him that it's funny that I ran into him to have this conversation so early (he was going to ask me about that painting thing anyway), and then explained why I was there - the turned-around, felt sick thing. I tried to explain to him all my strange symptoms. I had never felt that numbness before but I knew it wasn't anything good. He said that maybe I could go with the emergency service-people when they arrived, along with the other girl.

They arrived right after that, and I walked outside onto the sidewalk in front of the school (streetlights were on, it was dark out) to wave at the people coming into the school and motion that I needed help as well. At this point, I couldn't speak, I was feeling too bad. Someone saw me, as I thought they would, and brought me onto the vehicle with them (for some reason it was a school bus). I sat there, numbly, and watched two of the young workers talk to each other. It was sort of like I was observing them in their social state, thinking that it was kind of annoying how the one girl was happily gabbing away about social things while we were there waiting on the bus, but then not blaming her because why shouldn't she do that?. I watched her decently pretty, happy face, then looked outside and watched another overweight girl with no makeup on stand there doing nothing as she was supposed to, with a blank facial expression that wasn't happy. I noted how she was sort of depressing to look at. This watching&observing of people was the most realistic part of my dream. I also looked out the window at another emergency vehicle and saw a baby who they said something about - she was either sick or had a deficiency of some sort - and although she was bald with an unusual-shaped head and a tiny body and big eyes, she didn't look like she was in any pain. She was shrieking, and her O-shaped open mouth took up an unusually large portion of her face. The shrieking may or may not have existed intermittently with laughter, but I knew it was a happy shriek, and no workers reacted to the sight of her. I tried to watch her and react by being happy and feeling love and care for the child, despite her appearance and shrieking that naturally made me feel scared and uncomfortable.

The dream ended with me feeling completely numb, watching that girl shrieking. (I didn't watch her for a long or unnatural amount of time, maybe 5-10 seconds - the dream just ended there.)

CRAZIEST part: I woke up mentally knowing where I thought my two arms were. My left one on my left side, and my right one crossed over my body (maybe that was my position in the dream? I have no idea). When I turned my head to the right, though, I saw my right arm stretched to the right. It was really confusing, I did a double-take/feel and that is certainly how I felt. I guess my entire arm has never been 100% numb before, because that was a feeling like no other. I felt like I had no arm, and that that body part sticking out from me was not a natural part of my body at all. It was strange that somehow it felt like my arm was really in a different place, as if it were trapped inside my body. I don't know how nerves work, though.
Anyway, I sat up and made it move in front of me (my head had previously been resting on it). I was a little worried I'd hurt it since I could not feel my elbow at all or any other part of my arm, and I watched it bend and flop forward unnaturally. It was so weird. And I found it so strange that becoming numb was a main part of my dream.