side notes

Thu, 21 May 2015:
1st feel transitioned to dream but float to confirm. Slow! Yes. Darkish. Wife gets out of bed and goes to toilet. I wonder if she did in waking and go in front of toilet and dance around to see if I get a reaction. Not really but she looks up and either she has no face or it is blurred and hard to make out. Shortly after back in bed needing to turn over.

Later after a WBTB, I get comfortable. I feel I have transitioned again but when I make a small move to get out of bed it feels like I risk moving my waking body and waking up. I try to float again but nothing and then I mentally push my whole body towards the right front corner of my bad and my dream by jumps up on to the corner of the bed! I walk out of the room this time and out to the loft

and I think about my day time visualization: floating up and then over the loft and I do. I float down to the landing or ledge where we could display items but we don't. From there I float down to the floor. I get some audio of my son asking me what I'm doing but I know it's just from the dream I head to front door and I walk out. Before I walk out I can hear what sounds like a crowd of people outside and I like that I will be able to walk through the crowd and pick out some beautiful DC's! as I walk out there is a crowd and I find one girl.

Spoiler for sexual content:

Stick it in her mouth

and then I think how I wanted and planned to go about things like this more consensually. I cross the street and there are 3 women wearing choir robes like you might see in church. I think about the church connection but continue over there with my dirty intentions. I look at them with the look that I know they all want a piece of me and one by one they go to work

Spoiler for sexual content:

on my ahem. They make it grow larger and larger with the skillful pleasuring using their mouths and tongues and one of them comments how big it is getting. this goes on for several minutes and at one point I notice that one of the women has a vagina on her lower stomach. odd but not freaky, as I reflect how I am fully aware that this is all my dream. I talk about how one of them needs to get on and take a ride

and there's a little girl nearby that approaches and starts crying. I decided I had enough and switched to consoling her. I no longer felt like I was naked but neither did I put on any clothes or really consider this. I tried to commit to memory what she was saying as she was crying but that part is gone. She hugs me back as she cries.

I walked back to the other side of the street and there was another woman crying a little more gently, whereas the girl was more sobbing. I was going through the dream details in my head to better commit them to memory when I felt what was a false awakening but I wasn't sure at first. I was back in my bed and my wife was playfully touching my arm but then started tickling me under my arm and I kind of moan like she is going to wake me up but I tried to feel if I was still asleep and decided that indeed I was. I did an in dream wild again (like earlier in the month) closing my dream eyes until a new scene forms through my closed dream eyes or maybe I open them up gently but either way I was in a long room not very wide but plenty of space. There were a number of pieces of equipment to the end of the room in front of me and this pilot or astronaut in a suit

like a pressure suit and there was a small one man rocket or flight craft that was warming up its' engines

and pointing towards the ceiling though there wasn't really a ceiling or a sky but mind you this all felt very indoors. he gets down from the rocket contraption having started the warm up process and is talking to me and something in my head makes me wonder what they wear under that suit and he hears my thoughts and unzips his outfit and shows me that he is naked underneath. I see his penis and everything. he's zips it back up and continues to prepare. I look back towards the part of the room I was in before that was basically behind me when I was facing the astronaut guy and my son is sitting and doing his studies and back towards where the astronaut was there is now a TV and something risque is on TV. it seems to be some r-rated version of MTV where some chunky lady is walking around without a top on. I start to lose a little lucidity here as I wonder if we should change the channel but after a bit I realized it doesn't matter regaining some lucidity. I start thinking about how it seems like the scene is going on for a long time and I start thinking about my goals. I jump to memory peg number 5 and after a bit of a scene fade I find myself standing over my wife

who is sitting in a chair in our dining room. number 5 is the smell task of the month and I remember how I smelled her hair earlier in the day freshly washed with a nice scent to it and the dream seems to replicate the scent but it was a little more faint almost as if the dream accounted for the time that has passed since the fresh washing of the hair. I then think about how I reset memory peg number 2 back to the lucid dare to become a tree and I start stretching out my arms like the branches of the tree and my feet down like the roots and I get the sensation of my torso and arms growing and expanding upwards

but I'm not too sure how much of a tree I became with no mirror around. I then thought of memory peg number 6 and this is the talking to the monster under your bed for task of the month. I decide that there is a bed just ahead and I walk that way but I don't see one and the dream is fading a bit and I decide that I will just arrive back in bed, my dream bed and then I can get out of bed and talk to the monster from there but it doesn't work and I soon find myself back in my actual bed needing to urinate but I stay still and try to reenter the dream but eventually realize I am too wake and need to relieve myself before trying anything else. when I go back to bed I do get a lot of great visualisations that seem to take legs which like in my previous LD aftermath several days ago I wondered if I might be in a dream state with the amount of effect I have over what seems like HH's. very long lucid series! 8 milligrams of G + 500 milligrams of choline. #326 & 327

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Sat, 16 May 2015:
SSILD: maybe I was already asleep because when I thought I was still trying to get to sleep, I was noticing how the things I was imagining were folding into my HI's. I was having unusual control over them or influence of the HI's so maybe a short NREM stage. I lost track of my awareness though until a little later.
I am in a home setting that is unfamiliar when I look back from waking perspective recording this dream. I'm in a family room and my son and his girlfriend and others are there including members of my extended family. At some point I seem to be losing clothes and end up in my underwear. It seems like my son's girlfriend is trying to go look at my junk bouncing around in my underwear. I don't want my son to see that so I move behind the couch. At one point everyone starts looking at me like I did something wrong and my first thought is what did I do? But then I realized this is a dream scenario! I am dreaming! My son's girlfriend comes over to me as I'm sitting on a chair and leans over me and I can see down her blouse . her breasts seem smaller than in waking life, though I'm only guessing, because I've never seen her naked of course…except in dreams that is. The previous one with her started off non lucid and I felt so guilty! Some of those feelings came in here but I mentally reminded myself that this is just a dream. (Memory gap) we are driving in the van with openings between the two front seats and my wife is getting frisky

Spoiler for sexual content:

reaching down into my underwear

and this cute lady in a short skirt is in the backseat pretending that she is sleeping but I can see her eye slightly peeked open. I think of her joining in and regain my lucidity . (memory gap) I'm in a new house and there is a lady actually it's the same lady from the backseat and she has a baby in arms and a little girl who is maybe 5 to 7 years old. I talk to the baby and wonder if I disturbed his sleep. I have lost my awareness again. ( memory gap) she's going home and she is outside of her door holding the baby carrying something else and trying to deal with her little girl and I asked her if she needs help. she says sure and brightens up her smile and tells me to come on in!

this is when I realize I'm dreaming again and get my awareness back. she is sitting on a chair and her short skirt alluringly and the kids are now gone. start

Spoiler for sexual content:

taking off my clothes and running my hands up her skirt and removing her blouse. Some level of sex

before another memory gap. A guy brings me outside and wants to show me something. We take off flying. He says we are passing over England and Manchester City. I look over at him and it is my son.

We are flying together high up in the sky. I wonder if we are high enough that I can see the shape of the British Isles and after moments of looking for it I am suddenly in a blank space with a solitary standing elephant-dude figurine. Primarily colored in soft blue and white.

Several memory gaps, perhaps my awareness work needs to be stepped back up during the day and have come to rely on the G + C combination which I did not take this night. I really wanted to be lucid tonight because I wanted and natural lucid dream before my next G experiment the next night. On the other hand I am hopeful that this could be some sign of "breaking down the wall" that Thomas Yuschak speaks of. #323



Sun, 17 May 2015:
*Longish dream+DILD: we are in some foreign country, possibly India and I am waiting in our vehicle at a small airport drop off area and the doors are locked but after a little while people start trying to open the doors and before long many people are trying to open the doors. one guy gets in and then lets another in and soon the truck is packed. It is like a van sized SUV. One last guy crams in and I thought he was going to sit on top of me or something but he went crawling to the back. I was in the front passenger seat. one of the guys that got in started driving. He seems to be the patriarch of this family and he is driving too fast and I told him to be careful driving so close to the other cars. I asked him what is going on, why is everyone so frantic? he says that the Muslims want to vote (so I assume that they are protesting and rioting). I think to myself why were they not allowed to vote? This goes into a false awakening where all of the people in the van and some additional people are in a big room sleeping and people are starting to get up and wake up and I notice how dark it is. I asked couple of girls near me why is everyone getting up? What time do you go to bed? And one answered sometimes 12 or 1 and then I realized I asked the wrong question. what time do you usually wake up? and she answered around 8. I see a clock or somehow know that it's 6 a.m. and I ask why is everyone getting up at 6 a.m. then? No answer, but some one by the window says but there is an aurora borealis happening right now. I say "well I'll get up for that!" I go to the window where they are peeking through the blinds. aluminum style 1 inch or 1 and half inch blinds. I look up and all of the clouds in the sky seem to be glowing a little bit but I don't see what he's referring to at first and then I notice the lower set of clouds closer to the horizon are glowing more so and the colors are undulating. As I look more, it gets more impressive!

I say out loud this must be a dream! Somebody sees react like yeah yeah. I try to look at my hands but it is too dark in the room although it does look like there is something about my hands I moved to the nose pinch RC can do it several times to be surebefore I think about starting to mount various women in front of all these people. I'm able to breathe through my pinched nose and I lookout after night display some more. it is so beautiful! Let's start shooting back and forth across the sky along with a laser gun sound effect that is interesting but the lights are so beautiful! After a while of looking at it i turn my attention to looking for a suitable mate and walk through the room passing several girls that are too young including a little blonde girl . I see a beautiful girl, probably 20's, holding the hands of two younger girls and leading them into a room.

Spoiler for BEWARE-negative schema (but resolved). NOT sexual content:

I go in as well and the door closes and I turn around and they're gone and it is like a small closet with the walls painted yellow. I think about the podcast I listen to last night and it seems to plant a seed have negative things happening sometimes in LD's but I stay calm. I open the door I'm behind the door is just a yellow wall like the rest of the closet and I try to avoid thoughts of being trapped and

I decide I will just fly up through the roof and I do! This leads me to a series of different scenes all seemingly underground with no windows but some more interesting than others. one was wide open and what would look like maybe a big space station somewhere on a planet perhaps

and I spend a bit of time flying quickly through there enjoying flying indoors. At one point I came to somewhat of a dead end but there was an opening that led to a very dark hallway and I wasn't interested in exploring that way

so I turned around and flew some more and eventually I fly into another scene. This next one was full of DC's. They all look like military or worker guys in dark blue jumpsuits

and I think about how in the podcast Sensei talks about how in some place, some powers don't work and sure enough here I don't have all of my normal dream super powers. I take a few swings at two of the guys and they kind of laugh at me. one guy takes me by the arm almost as if I'm being arrested or at least taken out of there. he's a boisterous guy that seems like a bit of an asshole . we look across the room and theres is a guy dressed a little differently, dressed like a movie star in casual attire. the guy who grabbed my arm says that guy is an asshole. As we approach I feel like messing with them and I start to say hey this guy says you're an... But the guy fills in and says something like yeah he is a whole lot of something trying to playoff what he really said about him using words that sounded a bit like what he really said, "a whole." I chime in and said no he called you an asshole. I think I'm forgetting some parts but at some point I feel myself back in bed and with a strong urge to reposition myself off of my sore left shoulder. After trying to stay still for a few minutes I eventually have to turn over and maybe I waited too long because my shoulder is still sore. It was worth it though! #324

empowering non-lucid: Water park amusement park bathroom mini golf. Guy kicks my wife. I fight him though he is bigger. Guy says they will break up fight if I get off him. I do but guy starts fighting me again and I quickly break his neck with head twist.



Mon, 18 May 2015:
Later driving into fancy neighborhood #lostMyWay trying to find my car parked outside. Became a covered area suddenly from aerial view (map?).
Go into a big resort like place and try to pass through to get to where we are heading. #Wife #son security system starts to drop down as if I am not authorized to pass but moves back up as I back away, then down again as I approach. Finally a flying droid thing stays with me until #security arrives. He holds a fork like stick to my balls while questioning me. Must you? I ask. Later they let me go and with family back inside car and I think about how dream like that was...why didn't I RC? I should now! Hands hmmm...look away and look again
..yeah I just counted 6?...hard to see one of my fingers!Nose pinch yep! Tell family I'm going to take off and fly out of car a little and see youngish girl reminds me of one I saw that day. I walk up and I remember my plan to make it feel okay and remove any negative thoughts and ask the girl (brownish blonde, more blonde) to take off her clothes.

Spoiler for Strong Sexual Content & language:

She takes her time easing onto my c**k. We have sex for a while. Wife and son looking at one point. I brush it off, they are only DCs. I even tell my wife you like watching me f**k this young one, don't you? I think as I am doing it that I should make sure I don't carry this fantasy over to waking life and say something like that to my wife during sex or when feeling frisky. I lightly squeeze and rub the girl's nipples and she is kissing me a lot all over so I pull up my shirt which is only thing left on me with the idea that she can lick my nipples and she does almost instantly.

5-6min count as 5 for contest. #325

Late am btb: HI's to quasi dreams? Very good fantasy visualizations with GF and C and friend. Later even said time to RC...hand look 3 times but then quickly felt back in bed so didn't count as a separate LD.

Although it is too unclear in memory to thoroughly journal it, last night I had a lucid dream that completed not 1, not 2, but THREE tasks that I had previously set. In the dream, I was outside (TOTNLD Go Outside), picked up and uprooted a very large tree (TOTM Develop a Supernatural Power), AND when picking it up and dropping it, sunk a couple feet into the ground due to the weight and threw tons of dirt into the air, respectively. (TOTW, Dig a Hole). On top of that, I almost completed half of my TOTY by almost being able to swing the tree over my back and onto a house (TOTY part 1 Commit a Crime with a Supernatural Power). Also, I would like to share my strategy for developing super strength in dreams, at least for the use of lifting a heavy object. I first grab the object (as for the tree, I had to hug it to grab a large enough part), close my eyes, try to lift, and then as soon as I feel a lifting sensation I open my eyes and due to momentum, I am now able to lift the object.

Task 1: Pick up a tree again, Develop better clarity.
Task 2: Punch someone out with no effort.
Task 3: Destroy a large statue with my bare hands.


Feeling:

Well, my recent dream was lucid and pretty interesting. I was with Eye and while i was with Eye he reminded me of my desire in the lucid dream. What he told me was to stop wasting my time doing unimportant stuff and to do something else with him before the dream ended. When Eye said that Dawn came in and kicked him away from me. It sort of reminds me of the fun times I use to have in the dream with them a long time ago. But it also reminds me of how I hate to use them just as guardians. Dawn apparently wants to be in the picture now with the other dream characters bashing him for not appearing in my dream for a while now. Hmm....Not sure what I really want to do with them though. Perhaps I'll just do some dream setting exploring with them and let them show me interesting places. : /

Backlog: 28 April Part II

I do a quick mental review, briefly think about tasks, toss around and then fall back to sleep.

About 60-75 mins (timed) worth of sleep, with about 3/4 of it lucid. Yet, I remember only fragments here and there mostly of some of my actions.

Earliest point. It seems I became lucid in the first couple of mins after a brief nrem period. No distinct bodily sensations upon falling asleep. I immediately recall a number of the tasks. The speck of dust totm comes to mind again and I allow myself to be lifted up in the air. I briefly think about the bird glide dream flying mode and that it actually doesn't involve active flying but using the wind as well (in the case of no flapping). The wind carries me over the streets of this unknown town. I then get down to street level and try to recall other tasks. The only thing that comes to mind is Earth bending where you have to create a mountain. I look ahead thinking about a mountain appearing and as I stare in the distance I begin to distinguish the features of a mountain and the view is quite clear too! Feeling very excited about this!

Near the same location as the mountain totm, on the streets, I wonder what to do and think that I should try the totys. At the moment, I don't remember almost any of them apart from the (God of Wine) drinking contest task. I spot a nearby bar just to the side so I enter ready to get drunk. I'm trying to pick what to drink, not remembering if the task required a particular alcohol or not. There is a large beer glass waiting invitingly on the counter. Yet, the DCs around look terrible, and this whole place smells like spirits in a rather unpleasant way. I don't like the atmosphere so I leave and walk around allowing the place to change. In the end, I opt for entering another place altogether like a bar again, but looking much better. At this point I am aware that am supposed to have drinking buddies or rather the other competitors Hercules and Dionysus.

A number of DCs join me and I think they are appropriate, wearing antique clothes, though Hercules isn't as muscular as I would like him to be. And the other DC (God of Wine) turns out to be Leonardo DiCaprio! I find this particularly amuzing and think that he fits the role of Dionysus. I then finally correctly decide that we will be drinking wine and grab a bottle from the rack near the wall. Slightly confused as to whether we are supposed to be sharing the same bottle or each should have his own, I pause for a minute. Then a couple more bottles materialize in the hands of the DCs. There is also a third DC. We raise bottles for a cheers and then the other DCs drink some of their wine. I start pouring the contents of the bottle in my mouth. This takes longer than expected for a dream, but other than that is extremely realistic in terms of sensation. It really feels as if I am drinking, and pouring the contents of an entire bottle, hence the length in drinking time. This even worries me that the dream might end from too much focus on only one thing, but the bottle is finally empty. The other DCs have no more desire to drink and I emerge as victor in the contest!

End of memory. Dream transition.

In the next part of the dream I do not do almost anything actively, but rather try to spend as much time in the dream simply walking and looking around. The strategy is successful, but overwhelmed with the amount of information, I don't recall amost anything in particular detail. As I go from one place to the next I am convinced to have discovered the key to spending max time in the dream without interruption, that you can have an entire REM intact without the fade outs.

Actually, I do remember now that I feel the need not to look for too long at particular objects. My clarity was much better when I was moving and only paying minimal attention to specific objects, as compared to when I was paying more attention to them. I felt like I had no interest in them whatsoever either, I saw no point?

Fragment: I read a female name somewhere and I repeat it many times out loud because I want to remember it upon waking. I even make some DCs shout it. No idea what the name was.

At some point I find myself inside this place and recall another of the element bending tasks - to set something on fire. Me and another DC are in a building so I try to set one of the corridors on fire by summoning flames on the walls. I also get the other DC to do the same, but neither of us is fully successful - though we manage to get the corridor to be covered in orange colored fire like decorations.

I continue walking around, trying to maintain my attention, but notice this is becoming quite tiring. As I enter the next room, it is a dark room and everything is very blurry. I immediately begin to feel that this has an effect on my attention (especially after so much exercising it) and that am starting to lose the dream. I try to flip a light switch, but of course it does not work. At this point I try to will the lights to turn on, which lights up the room, but by increasing light coming from the outside. Nevertheless it has the effect of restoring the balance in the dream. I am rather mentally exhausted at this point to keep focusing on the dream and thinking what else to do. There are a few DCs in bed and after some contemplations, decide to enjoy some side activities, which are unsuccessful as the male DC is not very interested

I lose lucidity and then this becomes a non-ld scenario with me and the male DC with confusing explanations from his side. We continue exploring the building.

Finally, a proper FM night again, could have dreamed more but noise at home stopped it

Mental journaling all night long. Spent a long time (30-60 minutes?) in morning reviewing earlier dreams before final BTS and last two dreams.

+(f) FA: woke in shock to my wife scratching lightly the back of my shoulder with the back of her fingernail and sort of giggling, very out of character for her must have been a FA

+ summary: black girl, 3 men in neighborhood (titan-like?)
I'm outdoors (climbing over roofs), thinking about girls with afros, wonder what it would be like to be with one. I see 3 fairly tall scary looking guys approaching, they're walking in a straight line, they have tall hairdos, (one?) is faintly smiling, I sense they are menacing, they're walking through people's gardens, this is in my childhood neighborhood. I think about following them, but I don't want to be seen, one of them does see me.

+ summary: airport, bag, pilots work 30 hours in a row, bathroom with drinks in cooler (search for and find root-beer, see a more classic can but it's red cream soda and I want root beer)
I'm in an airport on a trip, I'm thinking about how the pilots who fly the 15-hour flight have to turn around and fly right back, that means they must work 30 hours in a row, but they probably get to use the auto-pilot and catch a nap. I have my bag, then there's an airport employee walking around returning people's bags to them, but my bag is there, and I realize I must have left it somewhere, I go into the (bathroom?) looking for it.
In the bathroom there is a large cooler full of cans of sodas. I'm digging through this and find some A&W root beer, I take the can out and intend to take it with me. I keep looking then I see a really large can with of some high-end, natural soda and think it's a better root beer, but I look at the can more and see that it's a red cream soda, and I put it back since I want root beer. I open the root beer and drink it while walking around.

+ reunion with high school friends: (DD?), N., CB, BD, CB's brother AB, shake everyone's hand, really glad to see BD since I haven't seen him since the end of high school, realize that this is true of N. as well but I didn't tell him this maybe he feels bad about that. This takes place in a restaurant (or a wine bar? DD has a glass of wine?)

+ Playing checkersy-chess with MR. The pieces look like checkers but I think they're pawns. The colors are red and black. I'm looking at the several pawn captures that are available and evaluating which ones will lead to a better position for me. I make one and MR responds by making this move by flicking a large checker (red?) with the number "30" written in the middle down to one of my pieces. I say "Hey, don't move like that I can't see what the pieces were before and after". Nearby on a trail, the (orange?) (animal? deer?) on the path reaches the end, you can touch it to cause things (the dream?) to end

+(f) outdoors with cousins: GL is a photographer, taking slide shots of athletes, I wonder about color correction and she says that it's all done in photoshop anyway

+ vacuum: outside the (concert?) hall, white stone sculpted benches, powerful vertical vacuum with multiple hose ports on the side, I detach the main body from the base and takes several tries to reattach it, go to next room and work on cleaning assigned area, the attachment is not right for the floor (it's a couch attachment), it's too small, lots of cards and flyers get sucked into vacuum and I try to pick them out, I work on a spot on the carpet for a few seconds.

+ cousins: I say my son S1 is studying the same profession as PR, PR is there and I think about asking how is his job at S? I walk towards the entrance to the room and I suddenly see KD appear in in slinky black leather outfit, she's wearing a lot of make-up, she looks really hot, I'm a bit shocked when I see her suddenly. I turn back into the room and say I'm looking for some pie to give to KD, but I don't think there's any pie left, and I make a joke saying "I think there's only one type of pie in this room!" (referring to female *ahem*), and only KD gets the joke and chuckles. I find a plate of cheesecake with a few slices left on it, it's white with some cherry-red topping, and I give it to KD along with some small plates of (blueberries?). I notice that KD has changed her outfit to a normal one and removed her makeup all in a matter of seconds while I was getting the pie. KD's daughter comes to her sleepy from bed, I think I should go so they can interact, KD tells her daughter not to eat all her food.

+ with a group of people (on street outside childhood home?) I'm lying down across the front seat(s) of a car, head on the driver's side. An (Asian) indian woman comes in and climbs on top of me to lie down, my waist bag is in the way, and I reach up with my left hand and pull it to the side, then she fits perfectly lying right on top of me with her head on my chest. She starts purring, her whole body is warm and vibrating, it's quite cozy, I put my arms around her in a friendly way. Her man comes up and says "Heeeeyyy! What's going on!?" I lift up my arms into the air [DANGIT! Saw my hands! I've been trying to make that a PM trigger] to show I'm not groping her -- it's a comforting scenario, not an erotic one. But the man hangs around to watch and make sure. I don't want her to get off because the purring thing feel really amazing.

late morning drifting BTS:

+ guests coming for dinner, the table is prepared, sliced grapefruit, they arrive, can only stay a minute, I go to the door and say come and eat, the guests can't stay long they say "5 minutes max", I hear in the dining room that a guest sees a picture of a famous person and talks about how he's his favorite, back in the dining room is my language class, we're preparing a special ethnic birthday party for IM, IM comes in and we quickly close the box of special chocolates so that it won't spoil the surprise.

+ climbing up a hill made of blankets and sheets, I seek foot holds, a girl is with me, I tell her to be careful, there are slippery parts, we're on the very right edge of the hill. Another family (man an woman) is to our left climbing up a more difficult part, we reach the top and look down to the floor below, about 10-12 feet below us, I say "this is the area with a (gravity anomaly?) that we don't understand," I know this is an area of power, my wife is in the next room waiting to consult the couple on some mystical matter, they ask my wife to divine the problem with the man's tooth and I think that's a bad idea because my wife knows nothing about dentistry, [waking world noise wakes me]

Had some sleeping and recall problems.

Just a side note to let others know that I've still been getting lucid and paying attention to my dreams. The last time i slept i had a dream i was in a Mario kart world playing in the waterfall lucid and some other things happened but yeah, not interested in writing it. I haven't even been interested in dream views lately. Feels like i'm slowly drifting away. Not even the member's i usually check out are posting. Its kind of disappointing but its okay. Things change and so do people's circumstances. ^ w ^" At least I haven't abandoned the senseless banter section. haha

Busy week. Posting a super short summary for reference.

02 May

# 1: With Rumplestiltskin again, this time lucid. We talk and explore around.

# 2: aggression induced ld, dodging bullets by slowing time and phasing. Later went after the attackers using super strength.

05 May

# 3: distractions . Later recalled the basic smell task - found an aromatic candle, which unfortunately didn't smell at all. Then smelled a little bottle of shampoo next to it, smelled like one of those aroma essential oil extracts.

07 May

# 4 (++): Wild + deild and unidentified ld fragment: remembered the basic task again, smelled the air - cold and fresh with a gentle tree scent. Met a friend - actually imposter DC, talked a bit, listened to dream music in the distance. Memories of a cave scene.

17:00 very tired, head in for "quick nap" but don't set alarm
21:00 final wake up, oops! Must have been underslept

2015-05-05

Only mental journaling all night. Almost forgot one dream at final waking, late dream details vague, LD quite clear & vivid. I'm pretty happy with my developing ability to accumulate and remember dreams across multiple sleep cycles.

01:00 (?) bedtime. Not very tired, take 200mg valerian tab, 1mg melatonin tab
02:00 fall asleep?

07:00 (?)

+ I'm with my wife in a very dark outdoors open area. It's so dark that at times I completely lose the sense of all vision entirely and I vaguely think this is dreamlike but don't get lucid. We approach a school building which we're supposed to go through, our usual route, but I say no, it's too dark and scary, so we go by it. We're now at a street which goes down, so we hop on a bicycle and start coasting down. We're then in daylight and cars are coming the other way on the road we need to avoid them. Then I realize my wife is in front of me on the bicycle and she is naked, I have my arms around her and am holding a breast in each hand, covering her up, I think about her nakedness a bit and that this could distract oncoming cars.

+ I'm in a room, talking with somebody, I see that on the walls (projected?) are animated screens displaying a computer graphics program, it looks like a view of a floor from the game "DOOM" or "quake." I look at these screens and inspect the colors. I'm then starting to play the game: first I select the difficulty (choice is from 1-3, I chose 3: max difficulty), which I know will mean less armor and ammunition available, and then there is a choice (1-3) of starting location which I think is a bit strange, I don't remember this from the game.

I start playing and "know" immediately that I must pick up a backpack of ammo/weapons and see one, I'm spinning around a bit out of control. I encounter monsters and select the shotgun weapon and shoot several. I hear monster sounds and see in front of me a DOOM-lizard thing (that breaths fireballs) and I shoot it. I'm a bit out of control and say something about that. At some point I encounter some wise giant slug thing with an imp handler, kill them both, don't remember them as part of the game later, think killing may have been a mistake, that part seemed more "lifelike" than part of the video game.

+ (lucid LD #110) I'm having sex with ex-GF SB on the ground in a room, I'm on top of her, feel it a bit, she says "but this means we're not NOT dating", I reply s.l. "who cares about not NOT dating," I see to the left and beyond us 3 guys enter the room, I quickly reach up behind me with my left arm and "pull over" a sheet covering us. I watch through the sheet their feet and I hope they will just move past us but they've seen us so they stop to watch. SB and I are not moving and are quiet. The man says "come on, keep going". I reply s.l. "hit the road, get out", this makes man gets angry, he thinks I want to steal another guy's skateboard, they push the skateboard to me in an offering, I think they've misunderstood, and push it back to them slowly along with other stuff and make a motion for them to leave the area. They don't leave so I stand up and take SB with me out of the room.

We're on a ledge of a house outdoors at night, it's fairly dark, I without hesitation tell SB to "jump on!" and take off flying, I'm now lucid. I'm swooping and enjoying the scenery of flying over suburban houses among hills. I right away talk to SB who I still feel holding on to my back, things like "Hey, do you know this is a dream? This is a dream! How do you like it?" But I get no answer from her. I get impatient & annoyed because I really want to hold a conversation with her DC. I say "HELLO! S! Do know this is a dream!?" And I anticipate her answer and recall her real voice and think what it would sound like. SB-DC answers a weak sounding "yes" once or twice. I'm disappointed in her voice, it's totally not accurate, in fact it sounds like a guy faking a girl's voice using falsetto. I reach up behind me and pull her face in front of mine for a quick kiss, this destabilizes the dream a bit and makes my flight wobbly, I think I should avoid that and just concentrate on flying to keep the dream but it soon transitions.

Spoiler for caveman, 18+, NSFW, explicit:

(semi-lucid now) I'm in a store (night outside?) well lit inside. I'm in caveman mode immediately. It seems to be a bookstore with many books on shelves. Towards the back I see the walls are higher and there are works of art there. I see there are three female beings (I think they're actually part of the store? Like living statues?) Of the three of them the one in the middle has a plunging neckline top showing off ample boobs and I goose her a bit. I head back to the front of the store and there are more girls coming in, I'm quite pleased that the dream is presenting females and I don't have to go searching. I walk right up to one and rip her top with both hands exposing her breasts, and feel them briefly but she seems bit artificial, and her boobs are hard/solid like a mannequin. My attention moves to petite slim girl walking by me, I put her up on a counter and start to undress her, thinking this is a waste of time, she seems gone and all that is left is a doll-sized dress in my hands but I decide to "hit that" a little. At some point I've got another girl up on the counter with "spread legs" (visuals vague, don't really see much), and I'm trying to enter her, but her v-jay is somehow a detachable tube that I keep trying to put "back in" her. I give up trying to put it back in her and just enter it, the tube is sort of purple and semi-transparent and see my (ahem) entering inside.

Someone says we need to do something in the back part of the store. Lucidity pretty much gone at this point. Go back towards the back of the store and now there's a whole new section beyond where the back wall used to be. I see two guys with their faces pressed up against a book shelve, I think they're trying to hide while they kiss each other.

Moving back to the front of the store a young man starts talking about economics, about how to determine when to buy and when to sell, I think we've just made a huge purchase (a new house?) and that this guy is implying we made a big mistake. My wife is sitting by him and misunderstanding what he's saying and she's confused and is asking me a question about only somewhat-related things.

awake a while reviewing dreams, BTS

10:00

+ party, multi-group, large area, (water balloon fights?), entrance area (toll booth?), others say no, we don't clean up

+(f) arrive to building, up stairs, suitcase, open door, person there upset to see us, go down stairs, should I go back up?

+(f) with groups of big guys outside

+(f) guys getting into car in garage, I push shut driver's door with foot, old guy getting in right side passenger

+(f) in library w/wife and group, yes, go downstairs, there is slide reading area, trying to choose a table with enough chairs, there is another group already using a table, but several are free.

I am zooming along at a good pace and there is a fork in a covered retail and food area like an outdoor mall with mostly covered sections. I veer to the fork at the left and something about the decision or the way I made the action cues me in…wait a minute, I am dreaming right now! I go around the shops looking for something interesting to check out. I see a few DC's here and there, including a couple in some kind of dessert shop.

I fade into a false awakening of being in a laying position in bed but I feel like I am still in a dream and in my dream body with no visuals at first. I start to see a view of a wall next to the bed mostly obstructed by a sleep mask. I am doubtful that this is my actual sleep mask and is in fact a dream sleep mask and I am in our old bedroom at M Blvd so obviously this is a false awakening.

I go for the TOTM to do an in dream WILD. I pull down the sleep mask and search in the darkness of my closed eyes. It still feels like I am laying in bed but I can see the room again and it seems like the same room. I decide to float up out of bed just in case I start moving my waking body. After a few seconds of nothing I start to float up in the laying position

and I immediately jump down onto the bed up and down joyful that I held onto the dream realm. My wife is in the bed

Spoiler for sexual content:

and I plop down and offer my ahem for some oral. It is very enjoyable and I take some other sexual actions on her at the same time. After a few minutes of that she begins to perform the oral a little too aggressively for my liking and

I move on out of the bedroom door. There are two females in the living room area, one particularly petite and the other average sized. I thought about some things that I had read from some who want to put some moral taboo on dream sexuality and I decided that such thoughts were BS. I reminded myself of that decision and held each of their hands and led them into the bedroom on the other side of the living room.

Spoiler for sexual content:

I started on the petite one while telling the other one, who had sat on a nearby bed watching, to start undressing. I enjoyed watching her undress while pulling off the other ones clothes. I started intercourse and her breast were also petite but just as sumptuous on my tongue. To ramp up the eroticism for me personally, as I am inserting I give her a look to indicate that she should let me know if I need to be careful with my size. The DC responds as intended asking me to be gentle, saying that I might hurt her with my large "ahem."

Spoiler for sexual content:

We ended up on the floor somehow and it has become a little awkward so I turn her over doggie-style and continue. I see a mirror on the other side of the room and we sort of easily zoom-scoot over next to the mirror and I am able to get another view of our "interaction." Inspired by the mirror, I mount the other female and grab her more sizable breasts, sort of comparing the overall experience and it doesn't seem any more exciting but definitely very enjoyable. Her position was already in line with the tall mirror just to the right of where I was previously positioned on the floor. I was able to watch her breasts dangle from the mirror view while also going at her doggie style.

After a while the visuals started to fade but I just danced my way through the void until the visuals came back up and I found myself in a very different house.

I decided it was time to go outside and headed toward what felt like the front of the house. I came to a door and reached for the handle but all I could see was a dead-bolt lock with the key side facing me and no key in hand. Instead of summoning a key I decided that the door would be unlocked and would open with a simple push and it did. I look out to a huge field with many large trees and brush hiding what may lay below.

I fly up and out over the landscape at a leisurely pace a little ways and start to get some declining visuals and decide to fly back towards the house that I came out of. As I approached it, it was a large stately house with several large balconies on the left side of the house.

It looked like either the sun had just set or that it was just before sunrise, a little darker than when the sun is fully out, but with that special lighting at those times. I see several windows with lights on and think about peeking into them to see what I might come across but instead go to a door on the left side of what looks like the back of the house.

As I enter there are a few DC's in the large room and they are introducing me to two blonde women that are coming down large and wide wooden staircase.

This is obviously a mansion house of a wealthy family that has many craftsman features, the kind of features that you don't often see any more except in restored homes. The home didn't feel old at all however. I wasn't looking for any more DC interaction and decided to explore the house instead.

I went up the stairs sort of float walking my way up and turned back towards the back of the house and into a great study.

I was planning on looking out the window to the field I flew over earlier to see what it looked like but got interested in the various intriguing items on display. One was a little statuette that looked like it was made of stone with faded paint. It was fairly simple, not intricate, figure with what looked like a crown on their head, not unlike a chess piece that was made to resemble a person. I decided I would try to morph it and it shortened and curved into the shape of a figurine of a small girl leaning over something…interesting. I see a figurine of a polar bear and without really thinking it morphs briefly into a deer with large antlers before becoming a brown bear.

I look around to my left and there are what look like a lot of nicer antique souvenirs. One is a wooden stick looking item stained darker and with some decoupage design on it that looked like something you might find in a nice tiki bar. The dream started fading again but this time I eventually could feel that I was truly back in bed. I tried for a while to see if I could drift back to sleep without moving but eventually had to a adjust my position and was too awake. #319

Took 8mg G + 500mg C around 620am after going to bed late at 2am (started G experiments one time per week after LD#300). I estimate that I woke from the above series around 8:40 first trying to get back to sleep and tossing and turning a little before eventually looking at the time on my phone showing 8:58am. Continuing "this could really be a dream right now" daytime practice with RRCIS but slacking a little too much.

Now that I have less distractions IWL, I am going to begin to get much more on-topic with my LD work. I used to lucid dream just when it came naturally and doing "Whatever" when it happened, but starting now, I am going to write in my dream journal every morning as long as I am physically able to and I am going to set myself tasks for each lucid dream I have. I plan to have at least one LD per 3 nights (the one time I was on-topic I had a very good success rate) and am going to prepare in advance. As of now, here is my tasklist:

TOTNLD (Task(s) of the next lucid dream): Go Outside; Stabilize the Dream
TOTW: Dig a hole
TOTM: Develop some sort of supernatural power (Flying, Fireball, ETC.)
TOTY: Stop & Commit a crime with said supernatural power


Please comment with task suggestions if you have any.

Had a bad recall this day.

I took 3 mg of melatonin before bed, then had a ~1 hour WBTB after 4 hours of sleep. Dreamer had told me at some point before these dreams that she had just had two lucid dreams, so I was determined to have some of my own!

I don't remember how I became lucid, I remember standing next to dream characters from a story line that I had been participating in and I was trying to remember tasks. I thought of the bonus task, manipulate 4 elements or something. I looked off into the distance at these hills and made them stretch and grow to colossal sized mountains. I then imagined that they were volcanic and I made them explode with fiery boulders that I made fall down all around me and they set this forest on fire. I walked past the forest as it burned. Molten lava was still raining from the sky but I wasn't worried about getting hurt by it.

I walked out of an orangish-yellow haze and into a city. I started flying at this point. I saw a large skyscraper and made wind blow up against it so hard that it fell over. I didn't watch any of the destruction that ensued from that, I just kept flying. I then noticed a large pond beneath me and I raised my hands so that my palms were facing it and all of the water drained from it almost immediately. I made a bit of the water fly around in the air for fun.

I then went to hang out with dream characters in a new storyline, I don't remember what it was about though. In the next part that I can remember, I was noticing the dream was ending and thinking to myself, "Shit, I should have done something more interesting because I'm totally going to forget what I just did", and I did.

The dream ended and I waited for another one to begin. I started to see what looked like my room and I opened my eyes and looked around. I was excited because the dream started next to Dreamer. I smiled at her and she said to me, "Your eyes were open for a while, it was weird." I was convinced that I had actually woken up at that point and I told her about my dream and she gave me a huge smile, that made me happy. I rolled over to fall back asleep.


In the next dream, I had been playing out a loop. It started as me being an actor in some kind of film or play, then I had to go to a high school with a friend. I remember one of the classes was an exercise/weight lifting class. I also remember that there were spider webs when I would end the day and move back to the start of the dream location so that it could begin again. At the end of each cycle there were more spider webs. At the end of what I would guess was the third cycle, there were too many spider webs and I couldn't move past this tiny passage that I needed to go through to get back to the start of the loop. Being trapped/surrounded by spider webs is a dream sign of mine, and that made me realize it was a dream. I lit the spider webs on fire by touching them with my finger, then blew on them to make the flames get huge. I could feel the heat from the fire, it felt extremely realistic. When the spider webs were all gone, I jumped through the opening and ended up in what looked like an ancient temple. There was no roof overhead, just a magnificent sky that was filled with stars. I flew up into the sky and noticed a galaxy off in the distance. It was next to this truly beautiful looking town that was composed of bright, vivid, brilliant colours. I thought that the sight of the galaxy and the town was so gorgeous that I started to cry in the dream. I wished that I could bring the sight with me out of the dream, I wished that I could paint it.

I flew towards the town and the dream started to get really weird, I don't remember what happened though. I woke up soon after that anyways.

Ritual: Last night I experimented for the first time with kava kava root (Piper methysticum). I had read many anecdotal reports that it instigated vivid dreams and perhaps even lucidity, so I thought it was worth trying out. I ordered some dried powdered root from an online herb and spice supplier that I trust. I don't have any doubts about the freshness and quality, as the package confirms that it was packed earlier this month and sourced from Vanuatu. I had read many reports of people complaining about the taste, describing it as "muddy," so I was surprised when I opened the package and encountered the most extraordinary and delightful fragrance. The plant is related to pepper, so it made sense that the scent would be peppery, but there was also something delicately floral about it and even a hint of wintergreen.

I had abstained from alcohol all day, since the two should not be consumed together, and my plan was to drink the kava before bed. I had a late dinner, ending at 11pm, so my plan was to give myself two hours to digest, then start drinking the kava at 1am and go to bed a few hours afterward (unless it made me too sleepy before that, which seemed like a distinct possibility). I don't like cold drinks late at night, but I read that you could warm kava gently without destroying its properties, so I adapted a recipe for "Mexican Hot Cocokavachocolate," blending two tablespoons of powdered kava kava (half what the recipe calls for, as I didn't want to overdo it my first time), two tablespoons of cocoa powder, agave syrup, a spoonful of cinnamon, and a generous pinch of cayenne with about two cups of almond milk (I skipped the vanilla extract suggested by the recipe because I didn't want to use even a tiny amount of alcohol). I blended this until it was frothy and then separated it into two mugs, putting one in the fridge—I planned to start with a minimal dose, and work up from there if it felt warranted. The other mug I heated briefly in the microwave, just enough to warm it, and then topped it with a dusting of grated Himalayan salt and freshly made whipped cream.

Okay, I'll admit I have a slightly weird palate (for instance, I *love* the taste of wormwood), but this was one of the most delicious dessert drinks I have ever tried in my life! It was so much better than regular hot chocolate; the spices and kava gave it exceptional depth of flavor and an unusual aftertaste. I didn't even need to strain it: I don't know if my powder was ground unusually finely or if the almond milk held it in suspension better than plain water, but it only added body, not grit, to the concoction.

I'm glad that I had done enough research to anticipate the curiously numbing, analgesic sensation that spread from my mouth all the down my esophagus, because that's the kind of thing that would really worry you if you didn't know it was supposed to happen! I sipped the kava very slowly over the next hour or so, to make sure my stomach didn't have any problems with this new experience. Everything was fine, and the onset of bodily relaxation came quickly, though my mind remained clear. After the first mug I felt like it would be fine to drink the second one I had reserved, so I slowly consumed that too. Despite the heavy feeling in my body, it never did make me drowsy, so I played SWTOR until 3:30am and then read DV and some LD books to prep for bed, retiring at 4:30am. I should note that I never felt any trace of euphoria, either, an effect that some had noted. That didn't bother me, though: my only interest was in enhancing my dreams.

Unfortunately, in that respect, the kava kava was a total bust. It was no different from any ordinary night of crappy dreaming: I was vaguely aware of dreaming most of the night, but my recall was terrible and what details I could specify were mostly mundane day residue. There was no sense of complex overarching plots, just lots of little random scenarios. Lots of people have written that kava helped them sleep more deeply and wake refreshed, but I didn't experience that either: I woke three times in the first several hours of sleep, which is typical, except that I felt much groggier than usual during those brief wakeful periods. At 9:00am I woke up and felt so unpleasantly lethargic, mentally as well as phsyically, and the dreaming had been so disappointing, that I decided to try to clear my head with an ample dose of piracetam. That stuff is amazing: to preserve its efficacy I save it for special occasions, but it always works really well to clear up any "brain fog."

Within fifteen minutes I was feeling complete mental clarity, so I decided to turn it into a proper WBTB. I added some L-theanine, alpha-GPC and bacopa and returned to bed using WILD technique. My focus was still subpar and I couldn't count effectively, so I initially fell into non-lucid sleep, but gradually became more aware of the dream as it progressed. There was no "aha" moment of lucidity, but I was definitely lucid by the end.

In conclusion, the kava kava didn't seem to improve my dreaming in the slightest, but at least it didn't suppress it either. If anything helped me get lucid, I believe it was the piracetam and other supplements I took at WBTB, because those I've had success with many times before. My recall was poor for most of the night, and even after waking up from the LD only the last scene was initially clear; recollection of the earlier incidents revived only after I started tracing back the course of events.

DILD, "Creating a Cat": I was hanging out with a friend, JM, and her young son. [DR: yesterday I had seen a picture of this kid that she had posted on Facebook.] The little boy was telling us a story about a butterfly who took care of him in the place he used to be. It sounded like he was talking about before he was born, and this reminded me of a book I had learned about last night, about a project to compile and investigate accounts of young children who claim to have memories of past lives. [DR: Jim B. Tucker, Return to Life, 2015.] After I mentioned the book to my friend, she told me about the time she took her son to an island off the coast of Wales (the named started with a 'T', something like "Tirnagal" or "Tiriagal") and he had started talking about how he used to live there. As she describes this, suddenly we both turn and stare as we hear the boy start speaking another language with the somber intonations of an adult. I have no idea what Welsh sounds like, but what the boy is saying definitely has the structures of a formal language—it is not just childish babble. The experience is so uncanny that I feel the hairs on my arms rise. Before I leave, I say to my friend, "The only thing I regret about not having a kid is the way it can sometimes provide unexpected insights into the human experience." [DR: This comment might also have been inspired by something I was reading last night, on p.163 of The Ego Tunnel, by Thomas Metzinger (2009), where he describes a toddler who falls and looks to his mother for social cues about how to emotionally react.]

I leave my friend's apartment and go outside. Now I'm on a beach. This is one of my most distinctive and common dream signs, despite the fact that I have little interest in beaches in WL and rarely visit them. I think it is related to the tide, a phenomenon that has always unsettled me. Despite the frequency and distinctiveness of this dream sign, for some reason it is one that I always have trouble recognizing as such. On this occasion I already have some degree of dream-awareness, but I lack awareness of that awareness, the metacognition that is characteristic of true lucidity.

As I'm walking along the beach, the sand looks soft and warm and comfortable, and I can't resist the temptation to lie down in it. Initially I am lying on my stomach, but then I roll onto my back, and feel as cozy as a kid making snow angels. I pause to reflect, why do you never hear of kids making sand angels? My comfort is soon disturbed by rippling in the sand... I notice that the whole beach is now billowing and subsiding, the dunes rolling like great waves. "Is it supposed to do that?" I vaguely wonder, and then a particularly large dune threatens to bury me, forcing me back on my feet to keep my balance. Though not quite lucid at this point, I have instinctive awareness of my mastery and control in this environment: I find it easy to "surf" these sand waves as they roll by underfoot. But they are getting even bigger, and I have the impression that the water is now rising rapidly as well, so I decide to find higher ground.

At the edge of the beach I find a stairwell leading up into a building. Getting into it takes some creative climbing, as there are various panels of transparent plexiglass serving as barriers, but I manage to circumvent them and get inside. The stairs emerge into the center of a dim, semi-industrial space, with narrow walkways on all four sides surrounding the wide pit formed by the stairwell in the middle of the room. No sooner have I gotten my bearings than a round hatch covering the end of a large pipe poking through the wall opens, and a humanoid creature crawls out. It is gollum-like, with huge bulging eyes. I don't want to be spotted, so I hold still and focus on being invisible. I feel a moment of relief as the creature initially descends the stairs, but it comes back promptly joined by a second person, a male human. As they approach the spot where I'm standing, I retreat into a corner to avoid them: even if they can't see me, they might blunder into me by accident if I'm not careful. On the bright side, having to strategize in this tense situation is improving my lucid awareness.

I reflect that my "invisibility" is just a mind trick: I am willing the DCs not to see me, and from their lack of reaction I assume it is working, but I can still see my own body plainly. This bothers me—at this point I'm a fairly experienced dreamer, so shouldn't I be able to dispense with a body? I've had no dearth of NLDs where I'm just a disembodied perspective, so surely I should be able to accomplish the same thing in my LDs. I decide to try to eliminate my dream body.

My body does obediently disappear from my field of vision, but the trouble is I still *feel* like I'm in a human body, with two legs, two arms, and two eyes located frontally in my head. If I have really transcended the body, I should no longer feel like I am mapped onto a human being. I conclude that I should begin subverting the pattern, and my first attempt is to try to shift my visual apparatus to floor level. This seems like it should be a fairly easy, basic task, but I find that I have trouble with it, maybe because I get caught up in questions like, well, if I'm not seeing out of physical eyes, then shouldn't my vision be even more radically different—unconstrained by frontality, for instance?

Meanwhile the man and gollum-like creature disappear into a side door, still apparently oblivious to my presence. I retrace my steps to the top of the stairs and examine the hatch that the latter had crawled out of. I consider going in there to explore, but decide that from the look of the creature and the size of the hatch, it will probably just be a cramped and uncomfortable network of tunnels. Instead I decide to follow the two through the side door.

I find myself in a large, open exhibition space with various vendors and booths. I pause for a moment to wonder why spaces like this are so common in my dreams. I don't know if this was a product of false memory or else better access to dream memory than I have in waking life, because at the time I was under the impression that I encountered such rooms on a regular basis; now that I'm awake I don't feel like they're especially common. At first I was just wandering around with no specific purpose, when it occurred to me that I shouldn't waste this opportunity to work on some tasks. There are a ton of things on my docket, but nothing especially pressing, so I thought over a few possibilities and decided to work on my Ars Magica forms and techniques—the other day I printed out the whole list of combinations and decided I should make it a long-term goal to try out all of them eventually.

I recalled that "creo animál" was the first one on my list that I had not tried, so I started intoning, "Creo animál!" I lengthened the syllables in a resonant voice, putting emphasis on the first syllable of "creo" and the last syllable of "animál." I repeated the invocation a few times in this manner, staring at an empty patch of floor. I didn't have a clear idea in mind of what kind of animal I wanted to create, but I thought I could leave that open for the dream to surprise me. However, nothing was happening. I thought perhaps I needed some raw materials, so I telekinetically lifted a nearby booth (hoping this wouldn't be too much inconvenience to the vendor) and pulled it into the space where I was working, then focused on compacting its form and shape into something suitable to my purpose. It folded itself up obediently until it was much smaller. However, I felt like I needed to impose a pattern on it since the dream wasn't responding with anything, so I arbitrarily chose the form of a cat. People started gathering around to watch the show as the booth finished its transformation, and now there was a short-haired black and white cat sitting stiffly on the floor. [In retrospect, the technique was closer to "muto" than "creo," since I adapted existing material rather than conjuring it from thin air.]

The newly-created cat was not moving, and did not seem capable of movement; it was like an empty shell of a cat, a living doll. This made sense, since I had created the body but not endowed it with sentience: I concluded that this would require a separate effect. Luckily this concurred with another task I needed to work on. "Creo mentem," I said, directing my words at the cat, and this time the effect resolved quickly: now the cat seemed to be capable of moving and perceiving its environment.

I wondered if "mentem" alone was sufficient: wouldn't that create something with the bland mental workings of a robot? Wouldn't I need to add "imáginem" to endow it with emotions and imagination, the "spark of life"? I wasn't sure, but I thought I'd better throw that in for good measure, so I intoned "Creo imáginem," focusing on giving the creature the capacity for emotions and inner life. Immediately I had doubts about whether this was wise. I don't know if my doubts were caused by the cat's behavior or if the cat's behavior was conditioned by my doubts, but whichever it was, the creature did not look pleased. It was lashing its tail in the way cats do when they're annoyed, and its face was contorted into a savage snarl. I wondered if throwing in "imáginem" had been overkill—emotions are not always pleasant, after all, and a creature so unexpectedly brought into existence might well be feeling upset and disoriented. Plus, I didn't even know if "imáginem," was necessary for a complete being; perhaps sentience was sufficiently specified by "mentem." [Consulting the Ars Magica rulebook now, I see that I misremembered the scope of of the Form: "imáginem" deals with sensations and illusions, not emotions and imagination. Though actually that makes the whole Form seem superfluous to the dreamstate, where there is no obvious difference between creating a thing and creating an illusion of that thing.]

I knelt down to have a closer look at my creation, and felt even more disturbed. There was something awful and abject about its face, a wound or rot-like distortion of its jaw that left the teeth clearly visible through its cheek. [DR: I realize this might also be day residue, because recently I was reading articles about the so-called "zombie cat" which came with graphic pictures of a similarly disfigured animal.] I decided that I should try to understand what this cat was experiencing, so I said, "Intéllego animál." I felt impressions of fear and rage coming from the poor creature, and guiltily realized that I must have screwed up somehow. It made it even worse that it was a cat, a kind of animal for which I feel a great love and sympathy.



With a sweeping gesture I willed all the effects I had invoked to disperse, effectively uncreating the cat. I didn't have a clear visual sense of the result (did the body simply disappear or did the vendor's booth revert to its former shape? I'm not sure), but at least I felt that the spell had ended. I looked up at the spectators who had been watching the whole event and sheepishly apologized: "It didn't want to be a cat. I'm sorry. It just didn't work out."

One woman spoke up in reply. Her words were uttered very calmly and slowly, emphasizing each of the adjectives, and I felt like she was subtly criticizing my actions: "People want to be fair, and dominating, and controlling, and diverting."