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* The night before last I dreamt I was at school [one of my biggest DREAM SIGNS but still didn't get lucid]. I had a toy gun. It had an unusual extra cylinder underneath the barrel. This made me question whether it was the accurate replica it was supposed to be but a colleague just told me I was wrong and I accepted it [need to keep questioning more]. I tried to hide the toy in a bag, then things got really weird because I decided I needed to move over all the furniture in the room to make more space, to the point where it would start passing over the edge of the room into the next one!

* Last night was quite an odd dream scene as well. I was in some kind of bar area or lounge with quite a lot of people around. I think I was sitting at a table. A young woman was asking me to list hairstyles that I disliked. I really have no idea what was going on but I sensed that the people around me did. Perhaps it was some kind of wind-up.

This is a personal dream that I wouldn’t normally post, but I wanted to share one of these. This is a good example of a therapeutic lucid dream. It shows one of the ways you can benefit from lucid dreaming if you experience grief or other difficult emotions.

Warning: A lot of unpleasantness ahead.

—-

We went to my grandpa’s house since we happened to be there and I decided to real quick grab some more of my stuff like the office chair. We didn’t leave much there, but the office chair was the one big thing I left.

He wasn’t home. I deliberated skipping it, but figured it wouldn’t hurt to just go in and grab the chair so he wouldn’t have to worry about moving it.

I know how much I personally hate unannounced guests and I would never want someone doing this for me, but I keep thinking of how much he’s expressed difference from me in this way. It makes no sense to me, but he never cared about people just walking into his house. He used to refuse to put doors between rooms in his house, removing them any chance he got, and didn’t like locks—he’d never lock his house. He’d leave doors wide upon and get excited about the happy surprise if anyone like a neighbor just happened to walk in out of the blue. All the time he’d invite people to show up and do things for him when he wasn’t home, as if the very thought of (what I would consider) an intrusion delighted him.

So I went in and got the chair. It was already sitting by the door, affirming his intention to get rid of it.

He then pulled up just as we were leaving. He was pissed, but not because it bothered him that I walked into his house. He wasn’t truly bothered at all, but acted as such merely because it violated the boundaries he knew I had. My boundaries, which he found a way to weaponize in this moment. It was shallow anger laced with the “Gotcha” delight that almost overided it to a point where I couldn’t take it seriously.
“So we’re just walking into people’s houses now.” he said with a sneer, but he could barely take his own pseudo rage seriously and I could hear the laughter below out from behind it.
It was strange, though. Something wasn’t right.
He then turned to me and I saw glimpses of the nice grandpa I used to know as he held his arms out and hugged me. He said he was happy to see me, he loved me, and goodbye.
There was anger and spite still in him, directed at me at the same time.
I asked if he wanted some money to cover any potential bills.
I felt bad that I don’t have much now because we just moved, but I’d give him whatever I could.
He answered with two voices clearly speaking in unison. One said yes, that it would help. The other voice cheered with derision. “Ooh money, hehehe!” it chuckled, as if celebrating plundered goods despite me giving it freely. It made it sound like I was being robbed even though that’s not what this was. I owed him far more than I could give, and I wanted to help him more than anything.
I didn’t like how that voice made me feel gross helping him, so I ignored it. I gave him $100, silently promising I’d have more later, and hugged him again. I told him thank you, that I loved him. I knew it was stupid to cry, but did so anyway.
I hurriedly got back in the car after waving goodbye and could hear the deriding voice cheering and mocking me as it celebrated the money.
His other voice didn’t speak, but it was sad and watched us leave as if it wished it could leave, too.
I felt pulled in two different directions whenever I was around him lately, ever since we moved here.
I never used to feel this way.

As we pulled out of the driveway, I saw something sitting there. It was short and black, and it sat in a massive puddle of itself. Now that I looked at the house from outside, I could see it better. There was black grime everywhere. It was all over the property, having spread itself onto everything, a wet spiderweb of black goop. It was all over my grandpa too. His clothes, hair, and skin had little strings of weblike goop all over. It leaked out from inside his mouth and the corners of his eyes.
I thought about how, in waking life, there was always this strange invisible grime that follows him. It has a physical texture and smell, but I couldn’t see it. The only time I ever saw him without it was for a few years when he was practicing Buddhism. At that time, he was happier than I had ever seen him before.
He still keeps all the statues and pictures from his trip to Burma, but I avoid talking to him about Buddhism as it seems to anger him if it’s brought up.
Anyway in this dream I didn’t see it when I was in the house, but I could see the black grime clearly now from the car.

I looked down at myself, checking our car and things. We were clean. It wasn’t on us. I wasnt worried about it getting on us either, as I knew it didn’t want anything to do with us.

It had already tried over the course of the two years we lived there. That’s why it spited us, and wanted us gone.
I looked out the window at my grandpa, who watched us drive away.

“…I got manipulated, didn’t I?” I then turned and asked my partner.

“Yeah.” she said.

I nodded, not knowing why I asked other than to get her opinion, I guess.

For a moment, we couldn’t decide where to go, but ultimately we decided to go home to the new place.

2022-11-15
[night of] 2022-11-15

no recall in the earlier parts of the night, first two pee wakings nothing at all,
after that, some hint of some scenes, but forgotten

basic Huberman stack (1 magnesium instead of 3), no gaba/glycine, no tryp, yes ashwagandha, 66mg B6 (two caps), 21:30
BT 2256
OOB 0820
fitbit: 8:17 sleep, 1:10 awake, REM 1:23, deep 1:13, 86% below resting, 6% restless

earlier
+ some scenes, forgotten: cigars?

+ baseball [DS]: [twilight, DS] throw the runner out at first (but I'm throwing a sponge?) and I don't think I hit him in time. There's a little girl at bat and I yell out "look for bunts!" I'm imagining how I'm swinging the bat and really knocking the ball way out, like in grad school team, blasting line drives between 1st and 2nd, imagine running the bases, checking the fielding, and trying for 3rd, but what if there's a runner also on 3rd? He'd have to make room for me

later:
+ [long, fairly vivid sequence] outdoors, observing the dirt road at my [place in country], there's a truck driving by and I think it's watering the road, I suppose this is to prevent dust from rising, I follow it as it moves forwards and I'm watching it for signs of water spraying but don't really see much. It turns into an elephant(?) which moves down the road, and I don't want it to see me [DS], so I move to a side path and hang from the branches of a tree while it passes. I observe the road that goes by my house and it looks like they've widened the turf, cutting it back to make the road wider. I move on to my property and I'm looking at and examining the neighbor house. It looks familiar [false memory, nothing like my neighbor's house in waking], it's large, tall, reddish/pink in color, multi-story, I see the front door. I see something down in a low court yard area and I go to (pick it up?), and I notice that in a tall narrow stairway in the neighbor's house, with glass walls [DS!!!!] that you can see through, the neighbor (man and woman?) are standing together at the top floor of the stairway, (looking down at me?), I don't want to be seen [DS]. Up on the middle level, the neighbors come out of their house, there are a number of older women, one or two I recognize [false] as long-time neighbors. There is a guest, a venerable old noble woman, who comes out and sits down on a couch with difficulty, I kiss her hand in greeting, I greet them in [foreign language].

Moving back to the front courtyard, I see a boy and a girl playing in a small guard house. Then I'm on a bus with a man (neighbor)?, the bus is medium sized and full of people, the man is sitting in the row ahead of me, half turned facing me with his arm draped over the chair back in front of me, his arm and armpit are open and I think may be stinky (but don't smell anything), he's going somewhere, a museum (?), the bus makes a stop but he doesn't get off in time and I think he's missed his stop, and wonder what he'll do. I don't want to get off, I'm planning to ride the full route in a cycle to get back home again.

There's a young woman in front and to the left of me, I catch a glance at her bust, which is very attractive, I try to look for her again but don't see her.

Outdoors (back home or near home?) I'm staring to climb up on top of a fence or a railing / raised narrow path, and a young woman is there and talks to me and says that we'll be together, I don't particularly want to be with her so I turn around and head back, I slide down over the top of a container (like a garbage bin) that is open in the middle and I'm careful not to fall into the hole and there might be sharp edges. I noticed that on top of a neighboring bin, there is (garbage, food?) and some insects, including a fairly large spider with way too many lets, like 16-24 or more, evenly spaced out all around it's perimeter. No body to speak of, just a bunch of long, spider-bent legs. I think the director (of a film?) can do whatever he wants with his scenes, and that explains the spider.

One jamie dream that was like 1.5 seconds long... We both pulled into a parking lot of mcdonald's of where we both were working??? Oh hellll no.

matrix mall

I was in some game room and everyone was trying this virtual reality game. After spending some time in this ultra realistic virtual reality game I wanted to leave. I asked the npcs in the booth how to leave this place and they looked at me like "WTF" like it was real life. I asked "How do I leave here?" and they pointed to a door. Through the door I was in a mall. I kept telling people that we were all trapped in a virtual reality game and everyone was giving me dirty looks. I tried to prove it by flying around.

FA, I was in someone's yard and said I was glad to be back IRL again. I was somehow still able to fly. Later I was hiking in some caves with some kids and started flying again...

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

People snapped and turned cannibals. I am barricated with Zilla and some other folks at a school, but we gotta move somewhere else. We know of some secure underground complex which has as entrance at the city park.
Strangely, downtown life seems to still be going very much as normal and we assume the madness hasn't spread here yet, but will. We even pass by some kids from another school playing football at their yard, oblivious. But we don't say a word to anyone. We reach the underground bunkers and there are plenty food reserves down there. We know that when the crisis is all over the place, eventually the government will come and use these bunkers, but we hope that if we're already there, they'll allow us to stay or else we'll fight to stay. The bunker spreads out into weird caves all over seven floors. On one floor there is a giant ballroom with black and white chess floor.

This morning after being woken up and going back to sleep I dreamt I was driving a silver Japanese looking saloon/sedan car, and I stopped outside a doctor's to drop off my girlfriend. It didn't look like a doctor's as it was a huge boxy building a bit like a large warehouse or sports centre. While I was waiting for her to come back from the appointment someone was telling vehicle owners to drive round the back of the building. Then I got told to move my car too and I didn't want to, so I asked if I couldn't wait there and he said no not if I wasn't booked in [for that time]. I started to quickly drive the car away along a road extending at 90 degrees away from the wall of the building. I was hurrying but I was unfamiliar with this car's controls. At this point I noticed that it was dark [I can't honestly remember it being dark when I was first outside the doctor's but I am unsure] and hadn't turned on my headlights but didn't know where the switch was on this car. I guessed that it was a small sliding switch on the left stalk and this could've been a DREAM SIGN because the dream seemed to sort of falter for an instant and update itself with the switch apparently being just as I imagined yet the sense of uncertainty still remained so I still felt a little uncertain -- or maybe the part of my subconscious constructing the dream felt uncertain -- whether the headlights had really come on or not.

As I approached a T-junction the car kept slowly rolling forward even though I was trying to hold the brake.

I don't remember many other dream scenes. I think there was something about a camper van.

Two dudes watch a sitcom, there's a scene of a kid bribing his teachers to graduate early which he successfully does. The dudes visit the set as the teacher hands a bag of cookies the child baked, then handed another bag saying "don't eat those, he likes being creative" *canned laughter*

The dudes consider giving the cookies to the YouTubers analysing sitcoms in full length video.

As they eat the normal and "creative" cake, they realise they's no fourth wall as they are stuck in a sitcom themselves, what happens next is a series of crazy events in the style of 2000s Wayans/Scary movie/stoner films as the dudes travel through Berlin using taxis and eventually it pans to the sky as they're on a flying train.

They then end up at an hotel talking to a woman who rejects them, I see this happen and walk through the hotel lobby, going back realising I had left my phone behind which I couldn't find anymore.

A rural town W.Va

expand on the feeling of a dream

I was a drifter - the mind frame of a drifter
expansion of meta-view of (TOM)
expansion of inner personal dialogue

I have been in a bit of a dry spell lately. I took a bit of a break for a couple of days, hoping that I can start with fresh energy (probably tomorrow). Last night I was close to lucidity. I did a nose pinch RC and could still breathe. Didn't really trust it, so I tried pushing my finger through my hand. It didn't go all the way through, but it looked like it was trying to. Also, a scab appeared on the back of my hand as though I were slightly wounded. But I was getting ready to do something, and decided I didn't have time for reality checks and so I stopped.

At one point, I was falling asleep with the mantra "this is a dream". But at some point it changed, and I found myself repeating something like "this is not a dream, is it?" over and over.

Dream Twelve (10.16.2022)

I was riding SheiKra but it was going incredibly slow to "test" the coaster. (What an annoying dream for someone like me who goes to the amusement parks as much as she can!)

Dream Thirteen (10.17.2022)

My fiancé, mom, brother, and I all went to this vacation spot that was a vast indoor beach labyrinth. There were Roman columns and poolrooms. (I have an interest in vaporwave, liminal spaces, and the Backrooms. I believe that's where this aesthetic keeps coming from! I had dreams featuring this aesthetic before those internet genres were a thing but related heavily when I discovered them.) When you first entered the labyrinth, the columns directly ahead appeared to go into an ocean on the horizon. Everything had a hazy blue tint. Then my mom got mad at me for no reason. I left the labyrinth in retaliation. Outside was a random grey city. I somehow learned telepathically from someone my mom apparently got lost inside. I woke up.

Listened to a new sleep-meditation last night. 7hz-2.5hz BW entrainment combined with an audible track and subliminal messages to be aware of dreaming. Early in the night I became partially lucid, but the dream is vague now. Later in the night I had two very confrontive, very combative dreams, where I may have been partially lucid.

I have some memories of a large, glowing white figure, possibly female.

Supplements were Melatonin and 100mg 5 HTP.

Felt very good this morning.

earlier:
+ in a (sandwich shop?) at the counter there's a man working there, and he's closing up, saying that everyone who already got in their order will still be able to pick it up later (on another day) since he's going to close, I'm confused, I'm not sure if I'm on this list or not and am not sure I'll have my order processed.

Something about a murder? They're looking for the suspects. I don't want to leave the area because I think that no matter how far away I get, they'll realize that I've left and that will make me a suspect, and they'll track me down and find me eventually.

+ in a room with my two sons at a young age [DS], and a third boy, they're doing pullups, and I'm counting the reps for them. Younger son falls to one of the mats (?). Then my 5th/6th grade teacher Mrs. R, who is smoking a cigarette, shows up outside and is knocking on the door.

later:

+ daytime/daylight, in a car with others, we're in a Mexican/Latin part of town [watched Jurassic Park before bed], I'm telling the people driving with me that it's OK, we're going to a particular place [a restaurant? forgot], and our route will consist of a bunch of right-left zigzag turns. I draw this out on my palm tracing out a "Z" like pattern. There is some discussion on the exact shape of the driving pattern we'll take.

+ on the ground, urban environment (paved roads, traffic lights) but no buildings to speak of, completely flat terrain, twilight. I'm driving with someone, and pointing out the route I want to take, a sort of short cut to where we're going, the road is visible ahead, with stop lights. My point of view climbs into the air and I see the large (fancy hotel/residence building) in the distance (with a large globe and tress around it making it look like a large pineapple), and point out this as a landmark well-known to both of us ("see, we're going by [that place]"). Ahead I see a building with a business signs hung outside like in a strip mall, think we're going to be going through a mall and might stop in a store. come up to an elevated area, one side of a high embankment running along a freeway, there is a covered (mall?) bridge like a mall pedestrian walkway. I'm with my [1st] wife, she without hesitation jumps off the embankment and I start to say "NO, WHAT ARE YOU... [DOING]!?" but I see she has landed safely on a nearly 100% translucent walkway just about 6 feet below the edge of the embankment. I'm a bit leery but I jump down too to follow her. It's really hard to see the walkway, it's only about 4 feet wide and without any railings. I'm a bit nervous as this leads over the busy freeway (don't see any cars, it's more imagined to be there below us). My wife is exuberant and does a gymnastic running start and then a serious of backwards hand springs, and I freak out that she'll fall off the edge, but she doesn't. There is some man we need to see? I come up to her and we hug and kiss a bunch, and I have the thought [DS] what shall I do since I've remarried?

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

At my grandmother's in Moita with my cousin Cris. I look through a window on the back and the garden outside is really green and lush but something awful is happening. Some black woman is on the ground trying to ressuscitate her baby girl who is lying inanimate on the grass. Then some man approaches and tries to help but the baby isn't responding. At first I don't feel like I can help and I just watch them doing CPR and hoping for the best. The baby wakes up and stabilizes for a while. They put her on a carrier and she soon passes out again and stops breathing. They do CPR again and again but the baby keeps stop breathing. I decide to jump outside and try to help. I examine the baby and I think I know what's up. I reanimate her and don't put her on the carrier, instead put her against my shoulder and walk around until she burps and barfs and expels a lot of bile that was continuously coming up and blocking her breath. She then stabilizes and I tell the mother the baby suffers from really bad reflux and needs to be checked out but will live if treated.

* I was in front of a vehicle by the side of what may have been quite a straight road in a natural setting, probably surrounded by forest. My father had written a messsage on the hood/bonnet of the car talking about the reason why he had been "HIDING" [from me]. In response I started to draw two yellow birthday balloons on there for him. I vividly remember concentrating on forming the shapes, or rather I had the impression that I was doing so, as now I think about it, I had suddenly noticed a mistake in the picture, a bulge at the bottom of the ballon below the neck that I then erased, but I am pretty sure that just appeared in the dream and I didn't draw it. The last thing I remember on the balloons is adding a very cliched stylised reflection of a window on the top left of one of them.

* There was an illustration of the pitfalls of naive unregulated libertarianism¹. A libertarian had a large sack of oats (also looked a bit like flour) and was somehow toasting them inside the paper sack. They only seemed to be cooking near the bottom of the sack but more to the point they got pretty burnt. This was how the libertarian liked their oats. The downside and moral of this story though was that this sack was a communal supply of food and in thoughtlessly exercising their liberty, they had ruined the food for everyone else.

* I was in a large spare bedroom in my mother's house. One of my friends from school was there looking the same as he did as a young teenager. He was writing on some sheets of paper which turned out to be roleplaying as a secret agent but I highly concerned because the adversaries he was engaging with were real. Although it wasn't directly referenced I got a sense he was only doing it for fun. I worridly asked him why he was doing it, telling him that those people were psychopaths who would never stop endangering his life. He is a smoker and his answer was to ask whether I had smoked. I said yes. He asked whether that had given me lung cancer. I said I hoped not. His point was obviously that we take risks in life and he obviously believed he would get away with it.

* Again in the same spare bedroom, I was writing a long, multipage letter to someone who I get the sense lived far away. At the end of the letter I had stapled details of a (non-serious) hospital appointment I had, then I realised (perhaps someone told me) that I would need to present that paperwork at the appointment so I couldn't send it to my friend. I removed it and put it to one side. Later I was writing a love letter and there was a row of about five small red hearts at the bottom.

1.Without wanting to bring too much politics into this, I think civil liberties for individuals should be defended but that it shouldn't be an excuse to let big business trash the planet, violate human rights etc.

early:

+ I'm the featured soloist in a singing concert, the audience seems very skeptical, I lean out the window and psych myself up by yelling encouragement to the orchestra and conductor below, to really show the audience that I mean business and will really kick ass in the concert

+ in a parking lot, cars are driving, I have some things lying on the ground in the way of one car that wants to drive through so I run to them to pick them up and move them. Walking back the other way, another large squarish (like 1970's cadillac) car is coming towards me, at first it seems that there are two large rolls of toilet paper in the way and I move to the car to remove them to help out the driver, but as I approach I see that they are actually attached to the bumper of the car as a feature, two large white rolls right next to each other. I stand still to let the car drive by me, it passes me very close, just a few inches away. Then some people and I are talking about some liquids on the ground, some are saying they hope it's not caustic chemicals, I think/say that in children's birthday parties they typically only use 3: ?, ?, and carbon monoxide (to which they add an oxygen to make carbon dioxide?), and are not dangerous. We're sort of kicking at the pools of chemicals for a while with our feet. Then I got an stand in line with a shopping cart with some other people for something

later:

+ baseball scene, the shortstop is standing in a bad place between 1st and 2nd base right on the line between the bases, and the 2nd baseman is standing directly on the base instead of back from it a bit. I have some small black puck in my hand, like a hockey puck, that I toss into the air and which firmly sticks to the side of a tall metal pole growing out of 2nd base, I think that it must be highly magnetic. I also think that I should try a bite of the black puck, since they're mine after all, and have something else puck-shaped some food like thing in my hand, which should be sampled.

+ guy with salads/foods in pumpkins, throwing them down over the deck railing into the back yard (like in CH)

+ work scene, walking between buildings on the work campus, see other employees walking around, am a bit surprised at how many are there because it's a Saturday

+ in work cube/office scene, I pick up my pile of binders full of work info

+ take a customer service call while sitting in the back seat of a car, I'm a bit annoyed to be taking the call (being a developer not a customer service rep), but am still polite, I can't understand what the caller is saying/asking, something about "2 G.I.S."