memorable

deleted

bedtime: 22:20

Probably my most emotional, direct, confrontational encounter with my deceased wife these many years after her passing.
I've had many dreams where she "returns" as if from a business trip, and I'm already with my new wife (usually before we were married), and I have a huge dilemma about whom I will stay with. But this time I remembered...

~ 03:555

+ [vivid] I'm driving in a car with my 1st [deceased] wife. She's in the driver's seat driving the car, I'm sitting in the right hand side of the back seat. We are not in good relations, she's upset with me, like our relationship is ruined. Music is playing, and a Billy Joel song begins (seems like "Rosalinda's eyes", the musical climax portion of the chorus), it was "our song" [false, that was Natalie Cole songs], and my wife becomes emotional and says she still loves me. (She cries? I cry?) I reach out and stroke her shoulder to comfort her.

I'm standing outside in the sunlight in an open area. I look at my hands [I've been working on "I find/see my hands in dreams and realize I'm dreaming"], both of my [true in waking] rings are in place [First time that's happened!], the silver one and the wedding ring, one each on their proper hands ring fingers. I realize I'm married to my new wife now. It's the [familiar] dilemma -- what shall I do? I have no intention of leaving my new wife. I decide to remove my wedding ring for the meanwhile to hide it from my 1st wife. I'm a bit concerned about losing it rolling around loose in my pocket. I notice that the ring has left very noticeable impressions on my ring finger, from the protrusions it has on the inside face [false, this is day residue from viewing pictures of the Oura sleep tracking ring in the day, which has electronics on the inner side of the ring]. I think she still may see these markings and suspect something, I rub my finger where the ring sat in hopes that they'll smooth out and become not so visible.

My first wife is consulting a lawyer about a divorce. She is reviewing some papers and reading some excerpts from them.

I'm thinking about what I can do -- I'm married to two women at the same time. This is bigamy and I know it's against the law. I could end up in prison for 10 years. This has me very upset. I'm thinking and thinking what to do. I get the feeling that the marriage to my 1st wife should be annullable for some reason. This thought sticks with me. Then I get the notion that the first marriage ended because she died, so we're not married any more.

Inside our home. I walk into the boys's room and I see that on their computer screen they're looking at with some colorful image (some game) instead of working on the assignment they're supposed to be working on.

Inside our CA home, we're there with our two young sons (5-7 yrs aged in the dream). I tell her the truth: "You're dead, you died from cancer several years ago." She moves (sort of aggressively/possessively) towards my two sons (me and my sons are standing with our backs against a wall?), and I intervene myself between them to keep her from scaring them. She seems to realize the truth and she backs off. She knows she has to go.

In any amazingly touching moment, my younger son reaches up to a bulletin board on the wall in front of us where some of their children's artwork are displayed, and takes down one of his works, and gives it to her so she can have it with her for comfort for all eternity.

In our final confrontation, my wife and I we are standing facing each other, close, looking in to each other's eyes. She asks me: "Do you think there is life after death? Or do we just disappear into the Chaos?" I say "oh, you can still come and visit from time to time," trying to comfort her. She seems very doubtful, and (maybe says) "really?" (in a very doubtful voice). Then her eyes begin to change: there are (spirals? Like little galaxies) in the center, then they start to flash to pure white (no pupil no irirs) back and forth to the spiral eyes, and eventually remain all white, very freaky/dead looking.

I wake up, I'm really shaken and have all-body goose bumps. I get the feeling this was a really significant dream and perhaps a real visitation.
I spend some time fixing the key moments from the dream to memory.

It takes a long time to calm down, eventually I sleep more and dream some more....

+ in the hood: I'm visiting some people inside their house. Outside the window across the street a large force of (police?) are gathering, they are all armed and I can see the pistols in their hands. They're preparing to storm the house directly across the street. There is a window in that house across, it is dark but with some blue and red lights (like neon lights or LED lights). I think this is not a safe place for us to be, I say "hey everybody, let's move farther inside the house," I don't want us to be hit by any stray bullets.

(This family I'm visiting is African American?)

One of the family members (a woman) is sitting in a doorway and is holding a small pistol in her hand. I move a bit back from her.

+[f] some short scenes:

I pick up my two arm support pillows and am walking with them to some other room, I'm looking at them and asking someone, "are these my pillows?"

Some woman is talking to me about what I need to do at work. I'm taking a business trip? I know I need to be up at 7, I think the jet lag from the trip will really mess up my new sleep timing and I'll miss more sleep.

There are some people outside, there is a corridor/walking below me. On the left are some gym-style exercise machines (some people are using them?). I think there is a lat training machine there, and that I should use it.

Some woman is inside a large indoor area like a greenhouse, she is tending to things embedded in the floor. It's some sort of (sexual?) performance art / entertainment area, where customers will come later. The woman then prepares to be a customer (?), and along the edge is a bunch of "living" greenery that transforms, and part of it becomes adult male genitalia with curly pubic hair.

Drifting in an out of sleep, trying to rest, alarm goes off at 07:00

bedtime 22:45

waking with recall: 05:20
didn't fall asleep again, but got close
got up 07:20 (missed 07:00 alarm)

+ (newly back to) work at company "N" [DS! DS! DS! Need to catch these! VERY common!] office #1
Long meandering dull rows of work stations, not even cubes, "cubelets" or just rows of computers all next to each other. Everybody is at their desk, nobody is anywhere else. It's very strict here. I go to the kitchen / common area, want to check it out, and a very fat large security woman comes and scolds me (and others there?) that we need to get back to work. Nobody here moves from their seats during the day, apparently.

In the kitchen area I see a video game arcade area, 5-6 machines (cabinet size) are there and some people are mulling around there playing them. I see pinball! I love pinball. I look more hoping to see an "old-time" pinball, without all the modern stuff, and I see on there on the right! Just a few bumpers and trap holes on the playing field. The machine is standing perpendicular to my view, I'm on its right side, I walk up to it, it's right up against other machines and there's a guy standing right there so I have to push through the gap to get in front of the machine. As I walk by, I slap the right bumper button a few times to see if it works, and I notice that it does. I get to the front of the machine, and start playing, a ball is in play, and I start manipulating the bumpers. I follow the ball around and skillfully trap and hit the ball with the bumpers, aiming for key features. I do pretty well and keep the ball in play for a while. Once I get the ball through a chute all the way back up to the top, I love it when I can manage that happening. It really feels like I'm playing the game! [no sound I think?]

+ Interlude dream in between office #1 and office #2?
[forgotten details] there's a guy jumping from one tall building to another, as he jumps to the other building he catches on a hanging wire (sideways, like draped between two windows far apart, sagging from gravity in the middle). Then the view changes to me watching him from inside a room in the other building. The man is manipulating two electrical wires to generate a high-voltage electrical attack against the (thieves?) inside the room, it will happen when he brings the wires together.

(I'm inside the room? People are inside? I walk from one room to another?)

+ office #2
I'm back in the office. This time the cubes are laid out differently and are more like cube with semi-high walls around them. I'm at the end of (or standing outside in the corridor) my cube looking into my cube. I notice the amount of space, it's not too small, I see the carpet on the floor, I look at it and think there's enough room to lie down there (and do yoga?).

Then my cube seems like a large closet or enclosed bed with clothes hung all around the walls. I'm sitting on the bed on the ground (perhaps elevated?) Very small, meter square perhaps. I see jeans and other clothes (socks? shirts) hanging up, I move some of them around? I think the employer will not like to see these clothes hanging here if they open the door and look inside.

I'm standing in my cube and looking out past the far "door" (opening) to the neighboring cubes across the hallway. There are two, one immediately to the left and one immediately to the right, their mutual wall is centered in the center of my view and centered on my cube opening. I look for the name plates and read the names, they are both female names. I notice office equipment in each: printers, desks, etc. In the right cube there is a young woman employee working. She is sitting at her desk with her right side facing me. An HR representative (also female) is sitting behind her talking to her. The discussion is about the company's coverage for various anti-viral, anti-bacterial medications, the HR rep is going on for a while about the possible coverage. The employee eventually says, exasperated, "I don't want to take any (stupid?) anti-viral medication!". She stands up. I recognize her as a former colleague from my 2nd job many years ago. She has slimmed down (much slimmer than in waking) a lot and is very attractive. She looks at me and our eyes meet, we recognize each other, I raise my right hand and "wave" at her using a "wave to a baby" motion by bending only the upper half of all my fingers (sort of a "finger wave"), the same wave I used to young children in waking. (She says "let's meet later"?). I notice her clothing is very loose and flowing about her body, with a large arm opening allowing a generous view of her breasts and torso, I expect to see her naked underneath the clothing but while I see the form of her breasts they seem to be covered in some thin material.

+[f] motorcycle guy? Some guy is riding a motorcycle, and mentions getting some expensive champagne?

I am in a bathtub with K. We are intimate together.

Spoiler for Adult Content:

She is performing oral sex on me and I then perform oral sex on her. We are in shallow water in the bath. She climbs on top of me while I am lying flat on my back. She begins thrusting back and forth and up and down. The water is splashing and I am conscious of the noise. I feel that family members are outside the bathroom and might here us. The sensations are pleasurable.

Dream Signs:
Sexual content
Feeling embarrassed, overly self-conscious about affection and intimacy
Water

Analysis/Interpretation
I went to bed last night incubating and thinking about sexual content. I believe water in my dreams is often a symbolism of my emotional state, if it is not a literal indicator that I drank water close to bed time and feel that I need to wake up and urinate. Water often represents my emotional state in that it can be tranquil, deep, shallow, crashing, overwhelming. The water being shallow and me being in it, lying on my back and engaging in sexual content with my partner indicates a sense of purity or cleanliness.

I did not feel guilt in the dream engaging in intimacy with my partner as I often have with other dream figures. I often feel overly self-conscious in non-lucids that I am receiving attention from dream figures that are not my partner. I feel that the water symbolizes that our actions together are in a clean state and the water is something that we are in together. It responds to our actions but is not threatening, i.e. being deep, crashing, something that we could drown in.

I often feel very self-conscious about public displays of affection (PDA) (an embarrassing and shaming remnant from middle school where I received disciplinary action in school for my girlfriend and I hugging in the hallway before classes). This feeling of embarrassment and shame around PDA seems to be deeply rooted in my unconscious and even causes me to feel avoidant about PDA.

I should have written this down when I first woke up because I've lost some of it even though I was thinking about it. I was myself in the dream, so far as I know. But what I'll call the main character was a man I'll call C, because he's a real person and I don't want to use anyone's names. And in the dream I think C had powers, but wasn't good at controlling them and so he was actually somewhat dangerous. And this had drawn a government facility's attention. They wanted C, either to study and try and use as a weapon.
I remember that I was with a group that included C, and one person in that group was a part of a facility but on our side, as we as a group were against giving up C to the facility. At some point we lost C to them and we were in the facility with the guy who was on our side, I'll call him Bob even though he never had a name. Bob was trying to play it cool, they're with me, etc., but he had coworkers around and was very nervous. He walked us over to an unused part of that floor where we could be left alone. I needed to pee and asked where the bathroom was. Bob got a little frustrated and said in the next room(he pointed to a door) were some containers and to just pee in one of them.
I went into the room to find an empty lab. And while there were many beakers and containers I instantly knew which one Bob meant, and went ahead and peed. Then I tried to find somewhere to empty it, rather than just leave that on a table. But there wasn't a sink so I deliberately dumped in into a beaker that already had liquid in it, to ruin someone's experiment. I didn't like these people, I wanted C back unharmed.
And then Bob had arranged for us to reunite with C, but only because we were ostensibly going along with their plans and would figure out what to do when the pilot landed again. I asked the pilot how long the flight would be. She said fifty-five minutes. Not roughly an hour, fifty-five minutes.
I was in the middle row of the plane's seating, and we were cramped three to a row. I was on the far right and the plane had no doors. I could also find no seatbelt. Meaning that when we were in the air I would have to constantly press toward the person in the middle seat to avoid falling from the plane. I didn't like that. Also at this point C was somewhere in the back row. Between losing him earlier and reuniting now, he'd undergone some type of training that was supposed to heighten the powers but also made him more dangerous. The people from the facility were careful around, sort of a Winter Solider vibe. The powers were either harder to control now or he was just literally more aggressive for some reason. I was happy that when the plane started to taxi a door appeared, and so did a seatbelt.
The only other thing I remembered was the plane landing for some reason on an abandoned country seat and taking off again. And someone commented that they were surprised that C was in the back and not beside the pilot. Another person replied something about being careful with him.

This dream was very interesting and I'd like to see it continued.

key summaries, detail later

Tortuous night of not being able to fall asleep after an early (3.5 - 5 hr?) waking.
Got up moved to other room sat quietly. Slowly got a bit more sleepy. Back to bed. Relaxed and comfortable, but can't make the transition to sleep, remain in a light sleep or very relaxed awake phase. Every time the transition to deeper sleep approaches I can't make it over to the other side. This happens repeatedly for probably 1.5 - 2 hours. At one point get a (REM atonia probably) all-body buzz. Get some weak images that I interact with a bit but don't solidify. Then the following happens...

+ [WILD entry?] tumbling / sliding down a rectangular staircase [DS], thinking "this is an innovative dream entry method," and thought it was quite fun at that!

+ table with food colleagues after party: first cheese, then chips, then, (sushi?) fish, then see container with noodle dish and grab that

+ JH (president company "N") has a skin condition, the doctor is lifting large scales of skin off of JH's hands and forearms, while JH is talking to himself wondering if he can get $860 million for his home. I think it's ridiculous for him to be worrying about that, he's rich enough already.

+ Approach outside-of-city home. I see the green fence has been tampered with and some parts moved aside. I think this means thieves have entered. With this thought I see more evidence of fence tampering. Look into house, see computer devices inside, try to see if anything's missing. Old printer, what's that doing there? Looks like stuff's been stolen, perhaps including my laptop. I'm stumbling through the backyard wallowing in emotions about how horrible this is. Unless.... <RC: nose pinch>... AH! This is a dream!

(Try to remember TOTS tasks, can't remember anything but elevator and I don't want to try that one again before the others)

(Many "adult" interactions....goes on for quite a while)

Toy on the table, ask the "owner" to do some DC magic and summon what I want. He doesn't. I imagine touching a part of a small object farther back on the desk will work. It doesn't. I then turn and walk back into the room searching for what I want.

Young, elegant, beautiful woman in 18th century dress. She's a bit reluctant, says ("I have a flight to catch" (?) ... "we had that time on the mountainside.." (like, that was it, we're finished). I dare her to get frisky with me right here on the table in front of everyone in the room. This gets her interested, things get going, and ...


... fade to awake. Stunning LD. Super vivid, stable, clear, long, immersive. Definitely top 10 of all time, and a candidate for best ever!

2022 June 30th

Very disjointed. Left recall too late. Would like to make some proper side notes for this one too at some point.

Dream (DFLN):

I'm in a car in a town with mom. She's driving me around in a large and modern Nissan, trying to get me to a local airport I think. There are roadworks just about every way she thinks of taking. I try to suggest some routes she can take but she doesn't seem to want to listen to them and possibly mentions something about the fact that she's driven here for X many years and so on.

(recall gap)

I'm at some kind of palatial building, here for a fancy party or ball. I'm in what is my guest room at one point. I'm a woman, except for my private areas. Someone I met just earlier (forget who) left me a dress here in the room and I think about putting it on. It's a very simple dress and is a cream colour, slightly darker than my skin tone. I have wavy hair, possibly fake blonde. Putting the dress on in bed, I think about how a dress will still be revealing of male private parts. I feel uncomfortable with this but don't see what I can do about it and reason to myself that people generally don't look to that sort of area and that I can to do things like sit down and such to possibly not make it as noticeable.

A bit later I'm at a dinner at a long table. The fancy palatial theme remains. This theme seems to feature primarily white, cream/pink and gold as colours. Somewhat plain while still being lavish.

(recall gap)

I'm still a woman. I'm with Hilary. (from DV, i.e., here!)

We're talking about dreams and artwork. I am supposed to have made three artwork commissions for her but I haven't made them yet and feel guilty. We're somewhere outside and it's night time. It's grassy and open, I'm not sure there's anything taller in the horizon that I can see.

In the sky I see the three commission ideas fading in and out as stars. The first one is a crescent moon, the second a side portrait of a woman with hair tied back, and finally something else which I've lost recall of. Hilary doesn't seem upset with me for not having finished these commissions yet, but I still feel disappointed with myself.

We talk a bit more and then she takes me to some physical threshold, maybe a door. I think she wants me to come with her to a dream?

(recall gap)

I'm my usual self again and at a bulk buy super market. Possibly a Makro (which I don't think I've ever been to). I am unfamiliar with the layout but I look around for things with confidence.

I find some frozen chips and think about the price. I see they cost 2.1 for 2.5 and I reason that at 1.5 for 1.5 normally, this is slightly better and I grab a bag. Then, I wander the shop trying to think what else I want and as I feel like I actually didn't want much more, the shop also gets noticeably smaller and is more like a convenience store now.

I look around again and see some socks, making me think that H might like some but I don't know the size and I don't want any for myself because they look too loose. I see a basement stairs bit and there's a bunch of plushies in a large metal cage basket thing next to the stairs. I think about getting some. They feel fluffy. They cost 60 each though and I think to myself that I really can't afford to pay this for a plushie and feel a little sad. At this point I also start to feel self-conscious and don't check out downstairs, which seemed to have Lego and more toys. So I leave to go the tills. At some point a fat man near me is coughing and I think I comment that I just had COVID and don't really want to get it again so soon.

(recall gap)

I'm in a rural area. It's late afternoon. I'm with two men, dream characters I think. They are messing around a bit and one has a mini bike thing (7D2D intrusion?). I am on a field side of a wooden fence and they're on the road. As I walk along, I come to a tan coloured cow. She's on the floor and at first I think she's asleep, but then I see the side of her muzzle and see it looks to be rotting, with a hole about the size of a gold ball and with some tendons showing through or something. Difficult to describe. I feel somewhat unsettled and I'm also worried for the farmer now. But I think we should get out of here before we get mistaken for having done something to the cow.

We go up a small hill road and we come to a building with a store or something. Then there are four of us and we decide something about super powers. Then inside a building it's a bit like a factory or foundry.

(rest of recall was too vague)

I don't remember all the dream. But in the first part of the dream that I dreamed I was in something that looked like your ordinal college dorm room but when another girl showed up. Somehow it showed me that it wasn't actually a a dorm room at all. Well it was a dorm but it was also was a prison and both me and the other girl for a few moments in the dream were wearing those old ball and chain. But some moments later we no longer were and somehow we're racing all other the building (I'm not sure if it was an apartment building or what) and to get away from the guards finally I basically dove into a swimming pool below. I'm not sure if I'm died or what. But I think my dreamself did die since the next thing that (outside of the first scene I'm watching the rest of it like a movie I believe)-that the guards or guards' friends put my dream corpse into a barrel and started rolling it around. I'm not sure what they're planning to do after that.

Then the dream changed I was in school my elementary school that is and I had what believed was a Dalmatian as some kind of service dog. I don't know what kind but he was wearing an unsuable Service vest because part of it has to be buckled like an old school fanny pack. But this Dalmatian was really unrully and somewhere near the end of the school in the dream the dog broke free of me and I had to chase after it. I pass by my Gr. 7 and 8 History teacher and somehow for a few mintues it seem to be implied in-dream that This Gr.7 and 8 History teacher ate my dog because for a few mintues all I could find was a the buckle thing from the service.

Then the teacher says the dog was out on the grass near the Safety Village. And I and some others go and chase it down but then I woke up from the dream

This first dream I had awhile ago. I can't remember everything. But what I do remember is that I apparently was at my old Elementary school which no longer exists. But at the same time the classroom I was in looked more like the ones at my high school. I believed the teacher wanted me to sit at the back (I can't remember if my dreamself had glasses yet or not). I refused to sit at the back and sat at the front and like in real life when I was in elementary and high school-bullies were sending stuff like paper balls at me. In the middle of the dream and of the in-dream class that somene litereally threw a desk at me. I can't remember if it hit me or not in dream. I then remember running out of the classroom crying till I got somewhere ( can't remember where) and someone whom looked like my Gr.3 Teacher talked to me and the dream ended

+ earliest dream working out in the gym there was a strange exercise device a cable that runs around the floor up to the ceiling at an angle a slope the idea is that you run really hard maybe with a harness on up this cable forwards and then you run hard backwards so it's a leg exercise done after at some typical gym benches with dumbbells and there are some women and there's a discussion about the difference between people who are experienced in the gym and people who are novices and I think I'm saying


... that the experienced people are able to basically do more with less space around them

+ a theme with a woman, maybe Lena, whom I'm inviting for coffee and a little pastry I'm inviting her to a place that's not far away it shouldn't take too long and it's not the same as I'm going for a full pastry

+ there is a scene of looking at a building across the street on in a cityscape, it's a several story building I'm talking to somebody maybe about [country] and saying then one of the things I wish that I had done was learned to smoke and I think there are cigarettes large like several meter long cigarettes placed vertically at distances around the top of the building and maybe I'm saying "or you would have to jump ?" the next thing I see is that people jumping from like a windows those and going towards the pavement I can see them there's a group's large groups of people 5, 10, 15 all falling vertically down towards the ground, and I'm thinking about how their legs would break when they hit the ground and I could see that their legs were catching on the window sills I'm being sort of tossed around

+ another scene I am looking at 2 black tubes Seems to be outside and these tubes are held together perpendicularly by a clamp and they have to do with a computer coding problem or a solution to a problem like one of them is the code and the 2nd tube represents the input or output stream and I start investigating I'm looking at the objects that are coming out of the output stream and I'm supposed to use this to I guest reverse engineer what the program is doing and it's a little tricky because it's basically water and bits of rope and other things that can come out of a fairly narrow typical garden hose like tube I'm sense not making out any of it I'm thinking about where is the documentation and there is a piece of paper On the ground to the left which is from the operating manual for this program and then there's a man I guess who wrote this manual I may a see him at this time I have a visual of him in his younger days and he had curly tight curly hair and which was already graying at that time so well that makes me think he was older . He says that he can print out the manual and he says the number of the manual like 177 something like that the number is not clear in my mind and I'm following maybe this guy Now across in irrigation ditch or frozen river, maybe a marsh with flattened grasses he goes across 1st and I'm thinking about following him but I'm wondering if it's frozen I wonder if this footing is solid or I'll fall in. I go across and don't fall and climb up the bank of the other side and then climb up to a building to a room that's what I guess the top of this building I think it's supposed to be the documentation center for this company and there are various manuals, the room is a horrible mess it's like it's an abandoned crack house, that level of mess and there may be some people in the distances sort of a cubicle white room , darkish, but I think the manual is not gonna be found here either -- I'm gonna have to go to that guy and print it out

+ Conversation, guess it's outdoors, it's words like: is it better to have a room with a view, or a room near the beach? This repeats a few times. I say it's better to have both: a room with a view of the beach by the beach. I think there is a pathway up ahead that runs perpendicular to where I am standing that may lead to a beach

+ LD DILD #267
I was walking down a long pathway outside, there was someone behind me who is one particular person that I hear like a loud sound and turn around a bit surprised, and there is a EW by deceased wife sitting there. She was angry. I am amazed to see her I stand up and we stand closer to each other her face is so realistic it is very vivid it looks just like her. I talking to her and 1st of all I said well of course I'm dreaming, I wanted to first make this affirmation I realize it's her, and then I can't possibly see her. I do a nose pinch to confirm and I can breath. And then I get very emotional with her, I say "Oh I miss you so much!" And she says "Oh, I miss you." At first she was like arguing with me and being angry with me. I see her , it was really her in later life not young but a little older and a little portly. I take her into my arms and say "oh I miss you so much my [nickname for her, -ochka] And she says "You're at a strange address" and I think this means she couldn't find me at our last home together, and i said "yes I've moved" (I remembered that I had remarried and moved to a different place. i feel her scratchy pit with my right arm is under her left armpit. I'm crying and balling emotionally



+ at the parking garage I'm arriving like I guess by car I'm parked outside and the entrance to the parking garage is gated and I'm surprised by this and there's a notice posted and I think oh yes of course it's a holiday weekend so they've locked the garage and if you don't have the right key access you won't be able to get or to get out. I'm naked I have no clothes on little bit self conscious about this but there was some body awareness. I managed to partially open this gate and I think I could go inside but then I may not be able to get out. Then I'm thinking normally these places are such that if you get in you're going to be able to get out from the inside but I wasn't sure about that so I didn't dedicate to that.


+ the pool looking for the pool,
the stone slots on the room with S1
walking through the garden thinking yeah don't have to water it
asking those guys at the top of the tower Hey where's the pool
gathering up the food to bring back to the refrigerator

+In an apartment kitchen, L-shaped. I see food in the apartment, stacks of food all very healthy I guess it's also in the refrigerator it's a small half-sized refrigerator (back along the long leg of the L). I see a short corner-standing shelf, about half the height of the ceiling, I think it would be more efficient to have a full-height shelf.

+ I'm looking through this apartment/home that's very detailed very vivid. I noticed the floor is tiled with a number (10-15) of very long narrow rounded ellipse shaped stone "tiles." These stones cover the floor of the room, and are several inches high and spaced an inch or two apart to the floor if very uneven, making it very hard to walk on it on the one hand but on the other it's hard (for others to come in and take over?) I wanted to take these pieces of stone out and store these things outside in the garden. Son S1 is outside, a younger version of him.
I'm walking outside and storing some pieces of these stones outside, I see the garden, very detailed. [Thank you day practice!] There are (looking back towards the original stone slat room inside) two chaise lounges on either side of the path, with plants around them.

I'm walking through the garden thinking yeah I don't have for water or wondering if I have to water it and where's the watering system thinking well because this is a hotel they must certainly take care of that. At first I think I had bought this house but then I realized oh yeah, this is a hotel (or some managed property). There is a wall of the building ahead visible through the plants and I'm looking for the automatic sprinkler system devices, and wondering where the controls for the watering system are.
At one point I'm sort of leaning off a wall and I see the address of the place, it is one of those branded "stay at home" places. It has a sort of funny address: 22435. I see the main entrance, it has an illuminated sign, white background with red lettering, it says "Extended Stay America: Stay At Home" or something like that.

I continue further through the garden, and notice a row of chaise lounges (with umbrellas?) laid out on a curving path, I think this would be a nice place to relax. Very realistic, very alternate life-level feeling. [Did some SSILD cycles, did some "I will be lucid in my dreams" affirmations].

Then I'm on top of a high platform like a diving board, It's very confusing and I'm afraid of flying, it's a platform very high Above the ground. I had the sense that I wanted to fly and I hold an internal discussion with myself, On the one hand, I knew that the feeling that you want to fly generally means you can fly, but I'm afraid that if I can't fly that I'll fall and get hurt. I didn't do it nose pinch or think of dreaming. I turned around and there are like 2 young men approaching, I have to go around carefully so I don't fall from this high place in the middle and (they?) point an imperfection, "be careful," in the Sidewalk that I'm walking on. There are people down below. I wanted to ask them where's the way to the pool I wanted to find the pool.

I'm walking back the way I'd come earlier through the garden, and I see packages of food outside on the ground along the path I'm walking. I'm picking up the (only the perishable ones because they need the refrigerator?) packages and stacking them in my arms and heading back to the apartment.


I see her (EW deceased wife) again (she was very angry and I could not calm her down....she said something was a waste of money and I answered "well yeah, lots of people waste money on lots of useless things" I got back to the room I spill water on the floor h I think "Oh, God," I've got I have to clean this up and the water starts spiraling out from the room and down and down and around the stairs and then on to different landings and I also dog pee, puddles of yellow pee in the rooms And then I think my dog has peed here and we're going to have to clean it up. I'm going to go find something to clean up all those water or the maids are going to come in and be pissed.

I was also returning to the room with the idea that we have to save for a farewell to this imaginary family we have a bunch of kids that at 1 point I'm thinking it's like The Brady Bunch they've been with us. we're gonna have to go back to the room we're going to have to say goodbyes as they're gonna have to leave and it's gonna be very sad, but I have to do it and then they're coming back and they say "oh do we have to?" There is EW again, she is very angry different in face slightly. I'm trying to reason with her but she just wno't calm down.

2022 June 20th

Some in-line notes too.

Dream:

I'm walking through a small town that could be somewhere in my native country. Small houses, ground floor only. Trims and so on as expected. I'm with dad and cousin T. It's daytime, probably morning. Dad is taking photos and as we get to the top of a hill in the town, I see a somewhat breathtaking view of distant rolling hills much like this one, with pink cherry tree plantations here and there, interspersed with some vivid green leafed trees of similar size.

I tell dad he should hurry up to get to where I am, so he can take a photo. As time passes, the landscape or the point of view seem to change (I might be walking down the other side now) and I fear he won't be able to get a clear and unobstructed shot anymore. I lose track of my cousin. At some point she was telling dad about these aliens that live here with the villagers, whom she calls "Aarkvaads", but dad misunderstands that those would be the villagers rather than the aliens.

(recall gap)

Me and dad arrive at some rustic old restaurant. We climb up some stairs and take a seat at a table by the stairs and by a window. Daytime seems consistent with before but it's relatively dark in here due to the windows being a bit short in height. A guy that reminds me of G from school but who is a unique character, comes up to the table; he's our server. (Can't recall the dialogue)

I need the bathroom now and make my way down two flights of the wooden stairs. At the bottom, I'm not sure if I'm getting into the kitchen area by accident, but I go a bit further and find it is indeed the bathroom area. There's no outside light here, it's dark apart from some poorly placed and dim fluorescent tubes that are clearly too old. I think dad comes down too also looking for the bathroom. I go into this somewhat overly large and polygonal shaped room past a glass door that is barely frosted for privacy. The toilet is adjoining the doors' wall and the area feels dilapidated and unclean. I get ready to have a wee. I'm wearing my normal grey work trousers and it feels cumbersome to deal with everything.

Then I somehow start worrying about the fact that dad can probably see through that pointless frosting. I think I have a short wee and then give up, then leaving the room with dad going past me to use the room himself. Something happens and he slips I think? (Mostly comical in nature if anything)

Then, I'm at the mid level of the building, where the entrance is. I think I want to go outside? It's bright and different from before outside.

(recall gap)

I am outside and the restaurant is located at a sort of edge of a sedimentary cliff. Yellow-ish sandstone. It's sandy out here and there's no vegetation to speak of. It's an immense valley with sharp sand-dusted peaks. The server from before is out here, having a break or a cigarette. He's some kind of furry "bat boy" now, slightly taller than me. At some point earlier, I think there was something about a UI thing about choosing how he looked. Red is heavy to his colour theme and his fur almost looks soaked in dark blood, but not wet.

We talk, or I overhear something. Something about a rebellion? Other locals that are with him have assault rifles, Kalashnikovs probably.

Before this I think I actually had a bit of a walk around. There's this large plaza and some kind of Christian procession ritual is taking place. The entrance to the temple is where they want to go, and that's also (an?) the entrance back into the restaurant? They are standing still enough and I make my way through the very dispersed but neatly laid out small crowd, though as I get closer to the large doors the main ritual seems to be moving forward too. Not wishing to interrupt anything, I stop myself next to a tall older woman. It's daytime, about noon. The plaza reminds me of that in front of church of L. The walls to the side of the entrance are smooth eroded sandstone which bulge out every so often. (In retrospect, some of this sandy/rocky scenery reminds me of James' realm in Sacrifice, and as a God, James is perhaps more Christian in a sense than the other four)

Now, when the rebellion thing is starting, the sky goes dark and there's a heavy blue tinted atmosphere, and for lack of better description, the stench of magic is in the air. I'm in a party with sibling T and notice he's at a location called "Crystallarium Caverns", not at all the valley location I'm in. He doesn't realise that we're in different locations when we talk via chat. Fighting happens around me and I look up over the temple/restaurant and see there's a female spellcaster. She seems to be wearing something slightly harlequin-like. She has an enormous book that in width would be the height of four people, and I see her enounce some kind of runes which make a visible effect coming out of the book as she speaks each one. She throws down fire magic at the rebels and around me.

I start to get sick of her spellcasting and somehow reach my way up to her book (distortion of scale/point of view?) and then I hurl it down toward a much lower tier of the valley, intent on making it land in some water. But she uses some kind of TK to slow the books fall and it doesn't reach or touch the water. I think to myself that I should have jumped with the book. But as it rises back up, I can read its runes on a page now. Each page is organised as a kind of mandala with a number of circumscriptions for each rune. I try to read them aloud myself but I'm not sure about the pronunciation.

I think eventually we beat the spellcaster woman, but the rest of the dream recall is lost after this point.



Notes:

- This dream was particularly vivid and part of that may have been due to the fact that I barely managed to sleep the two preceding nights, on one of which I felt to have had a brief dreamless sleep, which always makes me feel odd for the rare times it happens.
-- Not sleeping was mostly on account of being ill.

- The runes in the book remind me a bit of the node tree in FFX, which I've seen recently after this dream, but given that they appeared more like mandalas it may have been an intrusion either from a discussion I had with my mom or from something relating to Jung. Whatever the source, I have thought about trying to replicate the layouts I saw in the dream.

- G and his bat form reminded me of Troy from BL3 for some reason. I think something about the posture and a drawing I did of Troy some time back. It's odd that it's the second time in not too long that I've dreamt about a bat character. Part of it may be an intrusion from the fact that someone's character I'm drawing lately is a bat, but it didn't feel especially related to that. (Different gender, different morphology/species)

- In the second half of the dream, there was something about the Aarkvaad aliens that was relevant to the context, but through my recall of the dream, I couldn't really pick it back up and so I'm not sure how they actually related. Searching for Aarkvaad online didn't really yield anything interesting and past the dream's context is probably a mish-mash word that sounded alien enough.

- The temple plaza felt very much like being in front of the actual church that it likely had inspiration from, which is interesting for the fact that I had that dream not too long ago where I was at a much more accurate version of said plaza/church. There was something more ancient and mythological about this dream's temple and the procession ritual that was taking place seemed to relate to that. In the dream part of my modern waking behaviour took hold where I was able to just go through the group without caring too much about the effect I might have on it, but as the ritual seemed to begin, my behaviour reverted to something more alike what I always learned to do, which in a sense is to give them space and not get in the way. I think as I walked there I thought about people who are careless and those who care too much, perhaps partly reflected in my responding behaviours.
-- Also curious to the ritual aspect was the fact that I was an outsider to it, even though to me it felt very familiar and normal. I just had no place in it myself; perhaps a symbolic expression or metaphor in itself.

2022 May 31st

Dream (DFLN):

I'm in Netherstorm, in Outland. It is an entirely dream-generated version of it but thematically consistent. I think about how it looks different with "the revamp" and I see people talk about it on a chat too. I go down a long path on a floating island with a downwards tilt, which seems to get steeper. The path curves around and goes into a cavernous area. There's an artificial pit that goes deep into the void and there's a presence here, who speaks. The structure in the pit here is very much like something right out of Icecrown Citadel, just sort of inverse.

There's an ominous feel, though I do not feel worried myself. I think we discuss something about the world. Eventually, I leave, back up the same path.

Then, I wake up as a white woman, in a bed in a room that's somewhat exposed to the outside. Some kind of global event has taken place that froze the vast majority of people in the world, who then, like me, wake up seven years later. I find out by talking to someone I think that all of us who had this happen, have become undead. More is explained to me (but I lost recall of it) and there's something about a king Henry. At several points, I question this a little, because I can't really tell that we are undead at all. And eventually my body is different/changes again. (but I don't realise while dreaming)

Eventually, wandering the streets of this city, I come upon a group of people. They're beyond a wall slightly shorter than I am tall, but the wall also isn't that short (dream weirdness); the group of people is chanting as a group and they all look like cultist hobos. I pass through the wall like a ghost and they are surprised, and then I start shaking a pepper grinder ritualistically and they become very frightful of me and what I'm doing. I walk slowly towards them, and I comment out loud, almost laughing, "this is superstitious non-sense!" and they eventually run away in complete fear.

Just nearby in this small street, which could be Japanese for how tight it is and some of the styling/layout, I meet Patrick Stewart by the entrance to a house. Patrick seems annoyed by what I did, but is apparently not holding it against me. We talk about something. I get the impression that he is not undead like me.



Notes:

- Writing this nearly a month later, the visuals are still pretty good, fairly memorable dream.

- I made a sketch of the ICC pit shortly after having had this dream.

- The undeath seemed to be like that which happens in the Souls universe.

2022 May 23rd

Unknown time
Fragment:

Something about going with H to meet up this businessman for some kind of financial assessment. Looks a bit like Goldfinger? We drive there I think.

8:15
Dream:

I'm at a version of our home. A detached house in the middle of some woods. It's really dark outside, realistically pitch black. We have a lorry outside that we have been loading stuff into, for moving house. I go to it and check inside. I'm attacked by Meowth (Pokemon) who jumps off the lorry top to attack me. I grab him and threaten to break his neck if he doesn't tell me who else is here. He says something and I understand Jessy and James to be here too.

I have a quick look around outside, but as I do, I see a red glow. They've gotten in the lorry and are going to back it up. I try to open the passenger side door, but a slightly fat man keeps trying to shut it so I just start slamming it open and shut so that he might lose grip, having no such luck. I decide to try and jump up on the bonnet. I do, and then I'm sort of sat there looking at the both of them. I think the other one is actually Jessy. I have my boots on and I use them to smash the two bits of windshield, then putting my feet through and starting to kick the crap out of the two of them, one foot each. This is all happening as they're reversing and driving around, now onto a roundabout of all places.

I see three Humvees with military police with blue arm bands inside the cars and I repeatedly yell for help from them as I keep fighting the burglars with my feet, trying to indicate with my hands that they've stolen the lorry. The thieves are different people now (both male).

The military police finally take position and aim at the lorry. I'm still kicking the thieves like hell. The police take their time but eventually start shooting. I take to opportunity of the shots hitting the lorry to somehow swing myself around and change the centre of mass for the lorry, making it topple on its side, passenger side at the bottom. One of the thieves gets out from the top and the police shoot him dead, making me briefly think about how close to me that was, but not dwelling on it.

Possibly moving the corpse or something, I sort of get into the cabin from the top and start kicking and stomping on the second thief and yelling "Get the hell out of my truck!" and such like.

Eventually, the thief gives up and is arrested. I'm not fully content with the outcome, having wanted them both dead, by my hands, or feet as it were.

I check the back of the lorry now. Inside, the contents have all gone and there's just a long and thin compressed cardboard box that everything should be in, though nothing is actually inside. Eventually, I get back home and I'm talking to H about it. I ask if we can't get some insurance payment for all the stuff we lost but he says we haven't got any. I am disappointed but say with confidence we'll manage somehow.

9/10:00
Fragment:

Subway, with someone. Some kid bumps us, he wants company? Then we get the kid to come round to some house or piano shop place, and we show him my dad playing the piano. Later I/we return to the same place, but dad doesn't remember the moment from before when it's brought up.



Notes:

- The long dream about the theft wasn't really a bad dream but it was quite vivid and somewhat intense.

- Probably one of the most fun dreams I've had in a while, as even in the dream I did quite enjoy stomping on those thieves repeatedly. Even so, at the end I did feel very disappointed about losing so much of our stuff and being able to get nothing back for it.

- My feet are rarely weapons of choice unless a situation really calls for it and I have my boots on, which in fairness is always these days.

2022 May 20th

Fragment:

Mix of NMS and Satisfactory. Exploring planets and looking around. Some general funkiness of generation clipping into itself. Then I build some gas tank thing on a planet and see about building a smoke stack on top, I think H is commenting something to me about this.

Then I'm in the bathroom with H sharing a (false) memory of how they're going to add warp rifts and super drills and I figure they'll let you get infinite resources from procedural planets in this way. (I partly live some of this as I imagine the false memory)


2022 May 22nd

Dream:

Some bit in a town. Dawn, or dusk, clear sky, quite beautiful colours. Slightly Arabic feel to the area, buildings painted fully in white. I'm walking around, or sort of spectating as an observer perhaps. There's a king who has a knight, possibly me. The knight has reached some kind of seniority and they talk as they walk together. Some kind of relationship subtext? Holding hands together?

Then some bit in a fortified area, like a castle or barracks in the middle of this town. False memory of having trained here and such. I think it's night at the moment. There are many devices and traps part of the training course. Some bellows that are pumped with your feet that you must stand by or jump on? I talk to H about them (as if outside this area?)

(recall gap)

Like Freelancer now. The spacescape is more realistic and reminds me of remastered Homeworld. Most of space is dark in this area. There's a nebula nearby, large orange glow coming from inside. There are remnants of large framed mega structures insides, made more obvious by shadows cast by the glow, despite the otherwise foggy nature of it all. There's other debris in there too. I fly towards the nebula in first person on a ship. I fly past one of those asteroid stations, possibly like Ruiz base, in Omega-41? I don't think too much of it, but something is weird.

I notice there's a clone of the base very close by, the name on the clone sounds like the right name, while the first one had a name like Event Spawner 03, which makes me think of something having gone wrong with a story or mission script. As I go into the nebula and into or through one of the mega structures, I start noticing some bio-metallic creatures, very geometrically shaped. They're small and start approaching me in numbers, turning into swarms eventually, starting to seem dangerous now as they keep approaching. So I turn around and head towards the station from before. I try to dock, but I get confused with the asteroid base entities. Anyway, after I manage to dock, it looks like a Rheinland station inside, and I walk around and maybe look at some equipment and stuff.

(recall gap)

Then something at a very different place, much more fantasy like. (unfortunately, recall was lost)



Notes:

- Two space dreams. At the time I had been playing or had recently played NMS after a long break from it, so that was a likely cause for them.

- Dreams based on Freelancer and generally spun off general space sci-fi stuff I am particular about remain amongst the most interesting non-lucid dreams I have, certainly when discounting any further analysis like symbolisms and such. The general feeling of reality in these dreams tends to be fantastic and despite any weird stuff that might happen (such as the clipping, which happened in another space dream too, possibly after these), I often get a really strong urge to want to revisit these. I don't know what it is about them exactly, but I think part of it is that they are so refreshing when I think about stuff I have otherwise already mapped out fairly well in my head, especially in the case of Freelancer where I know most of its "Sirius sector" universe like the back of my hand.

- On that note, having fully played through the remastered Homeworld a couple of months ago was a great contribution to this mental content, as the reworked spacescapes are just perfect for me, especially tonally.

- I made a 3D scene of the mega structure part and the nebula, but I have not made a render of it as I was not satisfied with shadow-casting yet. I'll still tag this with the bonus image tag anyway.
-- The little swarm creatures were not made for the scene, but I also sketched them and they resembled some little enemy things from Strafe.

- The first part to the second dream was interesting. I have had a few other such dreams that have less focus on myself as a dream character, and they tend to have interesting themes, though I need to make the time to introspect on them a bit at some point, as I never do.

2022 May 13th

Dream (DFLN):

I'm helping someone with a quest or something. We go into a portal thing which is between some humanoid mobs. It takes us to a reward dimension and there are five mounts, one for each player had we been in a full party. The mounts look like a snow plow/dozer machine. Orange or rusty tones? Once we get out, the other guy has already customised and decorated his "mount" and I think about doing the same when I get a chance.

(recall gap)

I'm in a town somewhere, looks a bit like areas around old home. It's night time and there are sodium street lamps, though there is more colour distinction than they would allow for. I'm under a little covered bit, like the entrance to a restaurant or house, but it's unlit I think, taking care of laces on my footwear or something, when I hear the voice of M and that stupid laughter of his.
(note to self, writing this, my recall of the dream has improved a lot as I remember the following negative moments)

He's talking to someone and I hear them approaching along the street. I deliberately take my time now and look busy, avoiding looking at all and focusing on the laces. Then, when they pass close enough M sees me and says "hey onion hair" and laughs at me. I turn around toward him now and see he's sort of perching forwards on a dividing section. I feel annoyed, angry and threatened. So I swing a bag full of stuff at him, hitting him on the head. He barely flinches however and makes some sarcastic or mocking remark, I think indirectly, talking to this other guy who's with him.

I try to compose all my stuff and go, struggling with a version of my tablet which is in A3 in size, trying to flip it closed. (rest of recall was lost)

Later, I tell H about the encounter and says "I would have hit him" to which I reply "I did hit him", possibly in frustration.


2022 May 16th

Scraps:

Something with family. Mom, dad and sibling T. Out somewhere? (recall was not retained because I left it for two days)


2022 May 17th

Fragment:

I'm at some shops with siblings T and L and also dad. We're looking for some chocolate cake thing, one of those moist ones with sprinkles on it. Dad moves away in some part of this shop. I can't recall what's on display but me and my siblings are talking about foreskins or something. I picture something about it in my head.

(recall gap)

I am outside at some point. There's a very dark, heavy and moody atmosphere, all red and black tones/hues, a sort of mist or fog too. It's a city street of some kind? I remember tall buildings, but with no windows or anything. Just plain facades. (after waking from the dream, this made me think of Trove for some reason)



Notes:

- I hadn't had a dream with M (previously referred to as MB sometimes) for a while. I'm not sure anymore what could have prompted his appearance in this dream.
-- Probably also one of few "bad" dreams I've had in quite a while too.