memorable

It has been nearly a month since I have last updated my online dream diary. Many things in my life get in the way. It is so stressful dealing with Freudsters lol. Anyways though, here's all I can remember from my latest dream:

I woke up (in the dream) in a sort of disheveled van. There was a bag over my head, I could sense it, but I could still see everything as if there was none at all. Dreams are weird like that. I wriggled around for a while without actually saying anything and I hit a recall gap here. I ended up back in my old high school, a near exact image of what it looked like, but as I walked closer some people (staff I assume) ambushed me and forced me into the school, where it took on the looks of a prison more than anything. They took me outside where I was put in those striped scrubs type clothing and told to do dig a large hole in a gated part of the land. Another recall gap and I've gone inside the school. Here's where things turn weird. It's not a prison anymore; it's a massive torture chamber.

There is a pit piled high with bodies and on the walls hang people splayed open with their organs on full display. Some were still alive and breathing, not screaming or anything but alive. I could hear screams from another room over, though. I never actually got to see what was in there, because upon wandering in the torture halls I was being rushed by the staff again. I suspected I was next to be in the body pit. I ran past them and made it to a shower room, a window was miraculously open and I jumped through it wet and naked for some reason. The exterior once again became my high school and I ran out to one of the cars in its parking lot and drove off. As you can tell I had a lot of recall gaps during this dream lol. It's okay though it's still pretty interesting.

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It started with a normal dream of going to work, me and me dad and his friend got off of a train, it was some kind of futuristic train station, we were going to work
Then went downstairs where the stairs were empty at times
But I was always lucid somewhat
When we got down there things were different it was like a scene from my old school life blended in
That's when I started to dig down into my negative feelings, mostly of how I didn't get a girlfriend in school in high school etc. I started to hear and see alternate stories of the same things, I became my alternate selves, re living their bitterness, or that was my dream memories, and just got deeper and deeper until I accepted death wholly or something similar to that
And then I was at home , or at least at some kind of level, with no hope and kind of consumed by hopelessness, I went out and the sky was covered in storm clouds, like multiple thick layers of cumulo nimbi only lighted by a light source high up in the sky, it was like a painting, it was beautiful,
Then I was ready, for the unknown, usually I don't engage with scenes like that in a dream or so that's what I thought, but this time I didn't give a damn
I knew there was something there, the place represented my mind my whole being I think I'm not sure,

So then I said hello? Come on take me. My voice was weak but it echoed everywhere.
And as I embraced the sky I rose up into the sky and started spinning slowly , and my whole body was overcome with this feeling of healing and comfort, and I heard an upbeat kind of ambient music and I started to have some kind of monologue about the death of the suffering, and how I set it off and someone named mark
The sky cleaned up and it was a warm blue sky and I floated there, marinating in healing energy
And then I heard my mom's voice, but it wasn't real because she is still sleeping

side note: my feet need cold water, they heat up a lot and causes me to wake up, but some cold water calms my nerves down like nothing else in the world and then I sleep like a baby

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Today is wednesday, last tuesday I have moved.
Since I got here, I'm sleeping well and having what I feel are cool dreams. But I didn't remember them until last night.

I am standing at a scanner, like they have at the airport. Others are at other scanners and waiting in line. Based on a scan we are let through or taken for "exam". I'm told I need an exam and to follow someone. I ask if I can go to the restroom first and I'm escorted by an attendant.

There is something strange going on. As I go to restroom again later, I see things I'm suspicious about. Rooms like in a hospital, people in white lab coats and chopped up pieces of people. I hide from them as I make my way through. I come to the room where normal people are looking at packaged "meat" on the shelves to buy it.

I find my way out. Then there is something going on outside which I don't remember. Lol I just rememberd. I'm leaving through the street which is blocked off by some junk and a truck brings even more junk. Then there is more but I don't remember that.

Thank you for my dreams and for the recall.

I want to continue with mindfulness, meditating and APing.

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Cliff

Was climbing on some crazy rocks. Made the mistake of looking down and it was a crazy drop.Started panicking then the dream ended.

Family

My family came to visit me in canmore... They thought I was gay for some reason. It was extremely uncomfortable.

Jamie

Vague split second sex dream...

Lucid

Had a power nap. Was in a vague dream and lucid instantly. I was walking in a never ending house. I kept calling and intending to find Jamie. Eventually entered a room that seemed like hers or that her presence had been there. Went down a stairwell which led to another hallway and another stairwell. Randomly ran into some guy from work then I was at a mcdonald's.

2022 May 3rd

Dream:

I'm somewhere with H, at or near some kind of compound. His dad or a friend of his dad's is around too. There's something about precious stones in the compound, they spawn at random and in areas inhabited by some unusual creatures. It's not a nature reserve or anything like that, it's more like it's been abandoned despite still being apparently owned by someone. One of these strange creatures is a cat thing, the size of a dog and with more legs. It wants scratches but I'm wary of it, as it also wants to escape if given a chance, so I'm mindful about the door and my position. I consider that these animals may all be dangerous.

I find one of the stones nearby and I leave. I somehow know it's worth 100K or so. I tell H and I feel proud and relieved, since it will be a huge help to us. I think to myself that we should make sure people aren't needlessly making this place known publicly or we won't even get a chance to get some more stones when we need the money.

Later, a group of people who had also been getting gemstones is near an exit area. One of the people in the group is D, old school friend. Most of them seem a bit greedy, having hoarded many stones, rather than just getting one or two. I say to them that I can't see why they can't be more reasonable, and that I would always try to compromise when possible.

(recall gap)

Some other bit, also in some complex?


2022 May 4th

Dream:

(Left recall a bit late)

I'm at home with H. We go into the kitchen to do something. We're naked? I open the blinds and see a bunch of the neighbourhood kids out the back, some on the walls, others in the yard itself. (Quick note, this actually happened four days later, on the 8th)

We motion from inside for them to get out and such, and then we go out a side door from the kitchen to the back, where the heart should have been. I lose track of H. In the yard, I see that some of the kids look a bit miserable, they're stuck in here by accident and I now feel sorry for them, and less upset about the fact they're here.

Then, the back wall changes when I'm not paying attention. It's a cut-down wooden fence and I see loads of people around, playing around, having BBQs and so on. To my right, I see that we're on a sort of large plateau area and there are new apartment buildings in this area, some still being built. About twenty story high each. One has a green-ish and white colour scheme going. It's no wonder there are so many people here, I now feel. I feel annoyed and get into a sort of argument with a random woman, I think she was someone from school. As a character, I express confusion at all this and feel neglected. I ask why they built all this, why didn't the local authority let us know about any of it? And so on. I get unsatisfactory replies and just feel more and more frustrated.

Later. At a supermarket inside a larger mall. (Like one in A but bigger) Initially I'm with H but then we split up because I need to go swap some pasta cheese ice cream thing. It looks like it has a blue cheese in it. Then, that woman from before again, she shows me some chocolate ice cream like knock-off Magnums. I try a sample or something, and so does she.

I dreamt about a price-gouging resort that had a bunch of computers, it also had its own currency (like "limbra pounds", "l£") eventually after getting into a spat about fall damage with the owner, I started a revolution and riot with the unhappy guests. There was also a lot of computers lying about, a lot of them had old windows 95 games on them. There was also one of my friends being possesed by a shapeshifting reptillian, and a vending machine that dispensed old grape fanta that had a promotion from the 2000s on them.

I also dreamt about Deltarune, there was a "Mirror" universe everyone found themselves in. Everything was flipped, and after the party found themselves in trouble, they found Frisk, who appeared to be able to shapeshift in and out of a goat form, as well as conjure objects.

I also remember taking a shopping cart from one world to another, and seeing alternate versions of my family.

I'm at a beach, I've never seen this beach before but the ocean didn't have blue water, it was more like the cartagena beach.
I was at this beach with a dance partner (Julissa) and we were walking in the water but the tide was really low so we could see the ocean floor, although there was nothing really interesting to find on the floor. Me and Juli grabbed a shell so we could keep it as a souvenir.
We then decided to walk towards a local park that was very near, it was an ecological park that had many animals, it was like an animal zoo. To get there we had to go through a forest, we start our journey and I notice that the floor was infested with thousands of crabs, white/pink crabs all crawling around the forest floor. As I'm walking over the crabs I was being very careful that a crab didn't bite me because I had sandals on and I was worried for my feet.
After completing the journey across the crabs we come to an open road inside the forest. We follow this path and as we're walking I notice that ahead of us some weird footprints start appearing out of nowhere. The floor was wet so you could easily see the shape of the footprint, and it was from a horse. The footprints started going faster away from us, I came to the conclusion that it was a ghost horse or something like that and it was going fast, we couldn't see it because the horse was transparent but we could see it's print.
I told July to take out her phone and to start recording the scene, in the video you could clearly see how the footprints were being formed out of thin air, at this point we were running behind the prints. After chasing him a little bit more the horse went to a stop, then I could clearly see it's silhouette. I saw it's silhouette because I noticed it had an BLUE aura around him, it was a very bright blue aura, a blue like the color of a horse, a very beautiful blue, I loved that color of the horses aura. Then after I saw it's aura the horse turned visible again, you could see the horse now and it was a black horse, a very big and beautiful black horse.
I was that we had made it to the entrance of the park we were going to, we left the horse behind and entered. We go in the park and it was a total chaos inside. All the animals had escaped, the tourists were running from the animals, everything was crazy, people screaming, we went inside, ran a bit to the right side of the park and ended up in a small wooden cabin. Inside the cabin there were many kittens!
There were 2 adult cats and 4 small kittens, we played with the little kittens. They were so adorable! I was playing with them, they were really small, I carried them around and petted them. Juli notices that one of the cats had a pattern of stripes, I analyzed them and realized it was a baby leopard! I was playing with a small baby leopard. I tell her that we have to take him to a guard that can care for him. I'm going outside the cabin and as I'm going outside the door I see a big adult tiger outside looking at me right in my eyes.
This tiger had a collar so he was from the zoo but had escaped. I look at him and he jumps at my to try to eat me, I quickly close the door so we stayed locked inside. The tiger was very beautiful, amazing orange and black stripes, big and alpha but he wanted to eat me jeje.
So we look outside through the window to check when the tiger was gone, as soon as he left we go outside the cabin. We come across a path were we saw all sorts of birds passing by, Ducks, turkeys, and all sorts of the duck family. The dream ends with me trying to find a guard to hand over the small leopard.

Two weeks later I visit a farm that had the exact birds I was on this dream, the farm was in támesis.

So, I'm in my room. A dream one that's a little off but dream me does not notice that. It's in first person. Outside of my window I see the sky with clouds floating below me, I'm pretty high up I guess. (something happened to get here but I don't remember it.) The sky shifts into a dark, bloody crimson and starts storming as in my room blood akin to Silent Hill wall textures starts appearing on my walls. This is a strange start already. Me, considerably confused, feels it is best for me to immediately take out a weapon. It's an old iron flail mace. I can control the chain too, or at least I could handle it much easier. The main event comes and a stone face with the expression of one of those sad theatre masks comes out of the wall and glows. I knew in my dream mind that something was coming and prepared, it was a sort of boss rush in a video game but for me in reality. I couldn't see who was saying it, but a crowd of people chanted "FIIIIGHT!!! KIIIILL!!!" in my mind over and over, which pumped me up.

Out of the face and into my room came swarthy hoards of these humanoid beasts ripped out of uncanny valley, things that looked human but weren't quite to downright a new species. Must be bug people like in the waking world lol. Anyways This goes on for a while where I'm fighting these things in my room as they try to kill me, eventually everything just stops. A dead stop, the face goes away, the blood, I'm on ground, and I can't find my mace. But that's okay because what happens next is funnier.

Now for some goddamn reason, Christopher Moltisanti from the goddamn Sopranos of all people just comes into my room and starts lecturing me about standing up for myself and taking initiative. I just killed like 15 eldritch creatures, what more do you want from me asshole??? Anyways though he takes my hand and forces me into a room somewhere. It switched to third person this time so I have no idea where I went. All I know is, here comes the false awakening part, I "woke up".

I "woke up" in the same dream room I was in before, and was wondering what I even did last night. My mouth was bleeding a little. I walk out of my bedroom door and the landscape now transformed into a dense woods which transitioned into a beach side which looked like it was in a secluded area of Japan. It was nighttime. There was a very VERY small village area on the beach, architecture Japanese again. There was a lot of wildlife out there, so it was noisy but a nice kind of noisy. One that fit the tone. I walked into what looked to be a shrine. There was a book placed upon an altar type-thing. I picked it up to read it. It was in a glyphic language, looked like classical Mayan glyphs but I don't know enough of them to make out more than a simple sentence so a lot of them were definitely made up. Dream me could still read them though, and it was a story about a certain character dubbed the "Aztec Wolf". There are basically no wolves in southern Mexico so why it's a wolf I have no idea. Anyways, though, the story read something like this:

There lives a man, name unknown but legends call him the Aztec Wolf. He hunted and killed not for sacrificial or food reasons, but for no reason at all. Many creatures of the forests, rain or not, and deserts were wiped out by the Aztec Wolf's bloodlust. These creatures would be trapped as spirits, and one day they will have their revenge on the Aztec Wolf. When that time comes, the land will go silent, with Ehecatl guiding them on. (Ehecatl is the wind god in Aztec. Why is what's seemingly a Mayan written story using Nahuatl god names? No clue). Wanna hear the scary part now? After reading this, the beach went completely silent. I couldn't see any of the wildlife I previously saw.

There was only a strong breeze coming my way that made any noise. And while I didn't see anything, I felt a presence or more coming after me. At that point I realized... Oh shit......I'M the Aztec Wolf??
(Awesome chase music!)
I ran into the dense woods area and struggled around to get out. I could see civilization on the other side, glimpses of it. I kept clumsily running through the woods, definitely not in the fashion someone nicknamed the AZTEC WOLF would make it through the woodlands. Here comes another complete plot overhaul for the final part of this dream.

I eventually made it to the other side of the forest. Angry animal spirits are no longer after me. Something was really weird about this part, though. It was a small city area much like one in a previous dream, but everything was just white. Plain white. And didn't look natural. I realized pretty quickly this was a digital interpretation of a city, not a real city. Some Silicon Valley roachperson billionaire was talking about all the features of this virtual world over a massive screen that looked bigger than the moon in the sky. I ran to where I thought my house would be, and sure enough it was there. The only thing that was not a plain white in the entire world it seemed. I went in but there was only one room. The dream room. I saw me sleeping in the bed with blood coming out of my mouth.

I woke up. For real this time though. I think.

2022 May 2nd

Note to self, at this point I started recording dreams with year first, month second and day third, because as I was archiving dream notes from my old phone, I realised just how much of a mess day first was causing me and it was something I had not given any thought when I first started recording them in that way. In the future, it will be easier to maintain an organised record by using year first, as I already do for some other things.

Some in-line notes.


Dream (Fragmented):

I'm at my old bedroom. Dad is here visiting or something. For some reason, there are some sex toys out in my room and dad grabs them and piles them on top of an old computer desk I used to have in waking life. (The plastic "veneered" one)

Dad doesn't comment much of anything about the sex toys, but I feel embarrassed. He talks to me about something completely unrelated.

(recall gap)

I'm swimming out of a body of water into a stairwell. I can't see the bottom of the water and as I climb out of the water, I'm soaked and dripping. I don't feel cold or hot. My hair is somewhat long and I see it in front of me and feel water dripping off it. The place looks like a school of some kind.

I get up to the first mid-landing of these stairs and then climb some more steps up to a second landing. There are no more stairs after this point, as if they're missing, and so this landing just leads over back into the water again, from a higher point.

(The preceding segment was recalled while dreaming the next segment)

I'm in a field, walking along with two people. One of them is a local, the other someone I know (from the dream?). This field is strange, as it is made up of "strips" about one yard wide of specific plants, which all just seem rather wild and not at all cultivated, despite the organised strip logic going on.

As a result, there's a varied array of colours, ranging from a nearly blue-green to a dry yellow-green or maybe brown. The local man is slim and on the older side. He tells me something about how they have no choice and how this is all they can afford to do. I understand "they" as their people, as if I'm visiting somewhere that I'm foreign to.

Then, as we walk off the slightly sloped field area and starting down on a slightly steeper slope, I notice a small lizard, about a foot long counting the tail. Its on the side of a plant or a piece of dry/dead wood. It has a black scaled body interrupted by fluorescent yellow chevron stripes. The tail is flat and spiney, almost beaver-like.

Then we're walking into a road and I worry about traffic but it doesn't look like there's any, it looks kind of desolate or calm. It's day time, the sun is low but it's not sunset yet and it's half cloudy but it appears bright. There's a road for each direction and they're about twenty to thirty feet away from the other, one of them being on a lower bit, as this whole area is a sort of downwards-sloping cliff seaside cliff area, to the end of which we're walking towards.

As we get closer, even though the lowest point of the cliff is only about one yard up from sea level, I feel afraid I might drop or be pushed into the sea (on accident or otherwise). (It's at this point I recall the previous segment, I think the water must trigger the memory, though I don't think I "live" the memory in the dream at this point)

Then, I'm at a house that looks like old home. Some part of recall is missing, weirdly I seem to have slept on the sofa and it's as if I was really asleep in the dream, for a time. I grab something I'd apparently left on the sofa. I see the old man from before and say "morning" to him. I feel a little disoriented and think to myself that I didn't mean to fall asleep and yet I did somehow.

Then, I'm at an ALDI with H. We drove in in a sporty car. We pretend we're only friends and H says to a checkout person he has to get a massage coupon thing for his partner. The person at the checkout asks "what would she like?" and meanwhile I'm looking for three two-litre bottles of some soft drink, though I can only find one bottle. This ALDI feels more like a tiny service station shop and I think to myself we should have gone to our usual place. (This segment had something to do with the previous one, but I could not retain recall of what or how)

(recall gap)

Something about playing a game with a demon, and needing to do this to release an angel or something. The game doesn't make much sense at all and I can't think of how to describe it; in any case I struggle with this game in the dream. This takes place at some big/vast house, or some kind of palace.


Notes:

- Although I'd normally make this dream only visible to myself and DV contacts and so on, I feel that part of me has done that far too often of late, out of some sense of lack of confidence, an aspect I've been struggling with (again) in waking life.

- This entire dream was very peculiar. I feel I could make this remark about so many dreams. In particular however, this dream felt especially switched on in terms of symbolic representation. When recalling the dream, it feels like some part of me was aware of this. Everything about it feels organised and metaphorical in a deeper way than usual, though I think some of it may be inexpressible through words. The dream itself in parts felt like one of those dreams that feels just like life in the sense of "this is how things are, this is my life". This dream would benefit greatly from a fuller exploration on paper that is not constrained to words alone and that can make directed (lines/arrows) associative links between elements.

- I suspect that dad was representative of false expectations in some sense, because in the dream my embarrassment and the sex toy context were in fact irrelevant to our conversation about whatever else dad talked about. I am not certain what the significance of that desk specifically might be, but I must have been around 8 or 9 years of age when we had that desk, and the computer used communally with my siblings was on top of it, under one of the bunk beds.
-- In a sense, the sex toys are also likely representative of the other side of false expectation; what my mind or feelings give importance to often has nothing to do with how others are perceiving me and if anything, I end up being bound or imprisoned by my own false notions of what others think.
-- The other aspect to this is that family (represented by dad) are something that I keep entirely separate from sexual contexts as far as mental constructs go, I feel more so than most other people do, though that may be a result of upbringing; here, the two contexts meet but are essentially ignored by one another, as dad makes no remark and pays no mind, other than some sort of strange "tidying out of the way", and the toys themselves are inert objects that cannot on their own express anything except via context. This makes me think about how Jung defined libido as "psychic energy" as opposed to "sexual energy" as Freud probably did and it seems like the sex toys can also be representative of a transformation of my point of view on said energies. Again, I cannot fully form thoughts on this via text alone, this requires diagrammatic and drawn exploration that can show links and associations in a way that text can't.

- The flooded school bit was odd because of how vivid it felt in terms of sensations, regarding swimming and water. I don't remember any specific emotions, but the school was an unknown place that I've never visited and which only vaguely conformed to some constructs of schools, none of which I've ever encountered myself.

- I can't help but feel that I associate the encounters with water in this dream as being some kind of metaphor relating to collectives, more so than an unconsciousness. In a sense, the stairs were exactly about this; I can leave a collective but on the way up and out, there's actually no way out, and all I can see again is the collective, despite whatever other aspiration I might have had. There was a (somehow neutral) sense of hopelessness to this in the dream.

- The strange field feels like it was about my whole Self. The locals, i.e. my non-conscious elements, do their best to cultivate other non-conscious elements and so on (the plants) but they are constrained by what they can afford to do. I am not sure what "afford to do" could mean in a sense of personality. The land felt inhospitable to cultivation and taming, and perhaps these non-conscious elements actively taking part in growing and tending to things, are actually unwelcome by the rest of the unconscious landscape. I am checking in on them, but I seem to be there in a capacity that cannot act or make changes to the situation at present, and that any changes would have to be future, such as based on a report or the like.
-- In a sense, the plants felt very much foreign to the land as I did, even if the locals themselves just seemed... Well, local.

- Despite the small size, the lizard felt instantly appealing to look at, to be interested in. The black scaled body felt immediately relatable to what I have wanted to portray in my alter-ego for some time. The chevron striped pattern seemed unique to me. And in some sense I always find myself relating to reptiles though I have seldom spent time near them, perhaps because they have a tendency to run away from humans and to be solitary, which may be part of the appeal in itself. The lizard's tail appeared dangerous but as the lizard was most likely not aggressive, it seemed like an aspect of self-defence only. Curiously, I am now recalling that the lizard seemed to be in shade rather than in sunlight, and it's the only wild animal I recall seeing in the dream.

- The part with H at the service station ALDI definitely feels related to how perceptions are so based on physical appearances and how it's very difficult to move on from this, in cultural terms.

- The game with the demon felt like some kind of mix between Tetris, cards and other games of chance. I really can't describe it, especially for how little visual recall I have left of it. I just remember a somewhat dark and red-hued room, and a cloth-draped table.

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