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Wellp, I'm back. Again. Yeah, I feel really bad that I've been gone for so long! I've finally decided to try to get back into LDing. It's funny, because, the other night, I was looking at HowToLucid because I just randomly wanted to get back into the subject. The next day, one of my really good friends asked me if I'd hears of Lucid dreaming and then we talked about it for the rest of the day ^^

Aaaaannnyways, I actually recorded my dream!
Here it is!

6~14~16
My dad and I went to a school. For some reason we felt like attacking random people, and I ended up doing it. With a.... marker...? Yeah, I thought that was strange, too. But, anyways, I 'attacked' about a dozen people with an Expo Dry Erase marker. I remember attacking an older girl who I recognize from WL, and have always wanted to befriend. I felt really sorry. I also remember that, in that dream, I explored town and traveled on a public bus. Later, the dream shifted into an almost post-apocalyptic setting. I remember having to hide from my math teacher so I could steal resources/weapons from her. I collected quite a few weapons, and I stored them in a Resident Evil 4 style inventory, where I 'tetrised' things around (although I only remember storing a random sniper rifle). Then I think I woke up and attempted a WILD, but drifted into a nonlucid dream. In this dream, I remember running a shop. Well, it wasn't much of a shop, but I was in one of those barber shop-type buildings. A whole bunch of kids from my school (more specifically, boys) came in and out of the building but literally all they did was sit down. I remember recognizing a guy I share all my classes with IWL. The only thing I really did was wipe off the doorknob, but for some reason it had the same feeling as my previous dreams.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening

... On a trip to Paris, taking amazing pictures of the sights. Then strange things start happening. but not sure exactly what. I reunite with a couple of friends I had separated previously and they tell me there had been some situations with animals turning violent in the city centre and to be aware of it. We encounter a few dog owners whose dogs seem having rabies, but people try to go on with their lives normally. Then we're attacked by a bird and I see a lot of other angry birds gathering in the sky. I remember Hitchcock's movie and look around for shelter. I tell my friends to follow me to the nearest shop. We ask the owners if we can shut the doors and explain why. They find strange but don't say no. Meanwhile the birds start descending on people. At that same moment we see a mob rushing over to all places where they can take cover, including this little shop, but we do a quick math and realize we'll be crushed if everybody comes inside, so we decide to shut the door, because if we try to save a few, we won't be able to close the door later on. People and birds smash against the door and after some time of struggle, they can even open a hole in the door. A lady with blood on her forehead manages to push through her torso and she is crazy violent, grabbing one of my friends and attacking her with anger. To help her, we need to hurt her back. I feel disturbed with all this mess and violence, but I don't feel bad with the decision made.

Warning: graphic violence and sexual themes. Incredibly awful nightmare ahead.

Night falling, there is a strange broadcast on the radio. The muffled voice of the news anchor delivers the story that a group of men are going house to house and murdering families. I was shocked to hear this and there was a certain aura of doom about those words. In that moment I hear a commotion from down the road and a desperate, blood-curdling scream from a woman. The glow of a fire I can see in the reflection of the windows of the house across the street. I do not hesitate, but I grab my family and we trek through the woods behind the house, hiding in the pitch black of the forest in the middle of the night.

There we sat, fearfully. More screams were in the distance and I heard the sound of bombs detonating, guns firing, and screams pouring out into the night air. I listen in shock as my house is destroyed and I can see the glow of the fire rising over the treetops and brushing the underbelly of the clouds. They had caught onto us and began moving through the woods in a hot pursuit. I caught a glimpse of them, men in jackets and hoodies, wearing black gas masks. I run and run but my feet fail me. For some reason I am running in place, unable to move forward. I am tackled and dragged out into the street where two more masked men join me. One holds a staple gun and the other a serrated knife. I scream as I am pounded by a thick silver blade and shot in the leg with multiple metal staples.

Somehow I am laying alone in the street. The bombers are still ransacking the town, running about the roads. I got up and began running, somehow my wounds no longer afflicting me. I kept running until I reached my grandmother's house, a few miles away. It had also been completely obliterated. Rubble was everywhere and the remains smoked heaping black clouds into the air. Rounds are fired into the air all around me.

I then see the world behind the hard glass eyes of a gas mask. There is a medical needle in my hand filled with a strange black fluid. I stand with a group of other men, all wearing gas masks. I noticed that I was also wearing a black hoodie and dark sweat pants. They break the door of the house down and we began to move inside. There was a man inside with a shot gun, firing a round square into the chest of another madman. He dropped dead. I watch as another masked one punches the shotgun out of the man's hand and forces him into a bending-over position. With a hatchet he immediately beheads the man.

We moved throughout the house in search of more inhabitants. It took some time, but we stumbled upon a hatch in the wooden floor and pried it open, finding a woman and two children inside. As we dropped into the basement, they grabbed a hold of them all and began to strip them down until they were completely nude. They screamed, struggled, wailed. The children are molested and then I am invited over to them. One man shoves the little girl towards me. I inject her along the side of the neck with the needle and she begins to cough up blood. She falls and I emit a demented laugh, unlike any laugh I have ever heard. It was sick and vile and hellish. As the girl drops dead, the boy is brought forward. I notice that he is very young and obviously has not gone through puberty yet. I inject him under the chin, in the soft of the throat. He falls over as well. The woman is then brought to me, and after she is raped, I lay my needle down into her breast and she dies.

I blink, and I am somewhere else. I am myself again. No mask. No anything, for that matter. I was completely naked and my hands and feet were tied behind me. I am surrounded by more men in masks who throw several naked women next to me. In that instant they pounce upon us, ripping off their own clothes and defiling us. I am desecrated and afterwards lie there, screaming and crying. We, the victims, curl into the corner of the room together. We are all naked and I am the only male, yet I am far more afraid than they are. We are all a giant pile of pale, cowering flesh rubbing up against each other. I hide my face in the hair of a lovely young girl who is covered in blood.

Suddenly, someone else enters the room... It is me. An exact copy of myself, only dressed in dark clothing and wearing a plastic face mask. My double was carrying a large machine gun and began mowing down the madmen. Once the final enemy had fallen, he approaches me and helps me up. The other girls are still clutching to me and are holding to me as we stand together. Clothes appear on our bodies and we move outside. There are police cars roaming down the road and I see fallen bodies in gas masks scattered everywhere. They are in every lawn and every block and all across the road. The police vehicles squish them under their tires.

I stand there, watching. My double in the plastic mask is vanishing into the distance. I watch as he pushes into the bushes, falling under cover of the forest.

Attack on a teacher

Cold, cloudy morning. I went out of a hotel room. The building itself was old - cracked gray walls, corroded metal objects, spider webs. Going out of it to the city, I went on a sidewalk and looked around. It was old, harbor city.

There was a small square in front of the hotel. Most of the buildings all around were abandoned. There were no shops, only a small marketplace on the square. I looked at the hotel again, and saw some classmates and our teacher going out.

The teacher was a bald man with mustache and short beard. He was wearing pale gray suit. I decided to follow him, but then I saw a long line of telephone booths placed around the square. I went closer to one of them, and one of the classmates appeared.

He told "You should call 0-700!", and said "Those bitches are great man!" I asked "What are they so good at?" He replied "Man! You won't believe what those bitches can do!". I decided to leave the phone booth alone, and catched up with rest of classmates.

Then we talked about conducting an attack on our teacher. We catched up with him when he was looking at the wares at the marketplace. I was getting his attention with another dude, while the rest was just about to attack. Suddenly, he told us "You won't be succesfull."

After lying awake, DEILD. Fall through space. A creature is flying in gray DEILD space in front of me, but is hazy and not fully-formed. He looks threatening, so I close my dream eyes in the hope that he will dissipate. I open them in a bit and he is still there. Things begin to solidify. He attacks, latching onto my arm and biting. Whatever, I look away from him and he disappears. I land in a laundry room (?) or maybe pet store, a bit fuzzy here. A small kitten latches onto my arm in the same place. What is up with this negativity? I peel him off and head out of this room, and jarringly appear in my own house.

At this point, the stability and vividness of the dream increase dramatically, shocking me. For a moment, I feel as if I have accidentally just walked down the hall of my house, but I remember that I am dreaming, and that this isn't real, and nose pinch a couple of times (both times air cleanly passed through my dream nostrils). My cats (and some of the local strays) are locked in a big snarl of a fight, inside a soft, plushy cat-house. I decide to generate some positive energy, and do this while holding my hands out toward them. They ignore me and continue fighting. It is a huge rat's nest of fighting, with small kittens now added into the mess. I finally make loud noise to run them off. They all flee. I head into a bedroom.

It is here that I remember to observe the dream. I do this and focus on the seeming solidity (the ridiculous, mind-bending seeming solidity) of the dream. I test it by pressing my fingers against the dark brown wood of a bunk bed. I try to just take a piece away, which fails. I then try to press my fingers into the wood, which fails as well. Interesting. I recall my goal to meditate, but I brush it off. I go out of this room, back through the hall, and step outside.

There is an expanse of wet ground, marsh-like, but sort of like a retention pond as well. I then think of a beautiful woman I reason that being in a dream, it will be easy to find a pretty girl. I head back into the house. There is a new development--a carpeted ramp in bubblegum-pink and purple, like a very "girly-girl" rainbow. Seems like girls will be this way. There are balloons on the ramp as well, making me think a party is going on. I begin walking up the ramp. The balloons try to latch onto me as I am walking upward, in a somewhat normal, "oh, the strings are sticking to me" sort of way. I strip them off and keep going.

I now realize that getting to this party involves a vertical climb (like at a rock gym) and there is another rainbow story above. I look over and see an open classroom, with a blonde woman sitting behind the teacher's desk. Cannot tell if she is young or old. I look closer, pretty young, late 20's? Quite pretty, looks like Lucy Lawless. That will work.

I go up to her. She seems busy and initially ignores me. I am somehow already naked so I just stand in front of her in a "notice me" kind of fashion. "Hi, Samantha!" she says. I smile but do not respond. She starts to sort through papers, as though she has been expecting me. I stand a bit closer, and she finally "notices" me. We have fun and I wake up.

I'm laying in bed, trying to fall asleep (or so I think I am), when I hear my co-worker tell me that he just lets go completely. I try this, and feel amazing as my body falls asleep while my mind is awake. I go in and out of a really cool sensation, then feel a strange presence in my room.

I sense a being that is made completely of shadows and fear - the essence of darkness and evil itself. Quite a strong presence, but not a very happy one.

It is either a spirit or a demon, I'm not sure which it is, but there is definitely a presence here, and it doesn't like me being alive apparently. I don't mind that, and try to mind my own business, but this spirit/demon seems to attack me. I am partially crushed psychically, and have trouble breathing.

I start saying a mantra to ground me in the experience of safety, but feel too intense of a presence that is trying to harm me to even remember my mantra. "Alright, then I guess I'll just feel love for everyone since I can't do anything else"

It turns out that works more or less to pacify the demon/spirit thing. I feel like I'm left alone briefly, and allowed to collect myself. But not for long, as I feel like I am having my soul ripped from my body very shortly thereafter. I'm pretty much okay with that, I figure the end has to come sometime, but it is a little surprising. Still not many options for what to do, so I just feel love for everyone again. It seems like when I deeply do this, I am invincible. Not in the sense that my body won't die, but that my mind will not cease. It feels good to love everyone anyway.

I hear it say in a rhaspy clicky kind of voice, "booooooo bohohohohp annnnnnnnd hoooooooooold Z level now" Still not sure if it is a dream or not, I decide to just get up because it doesn't feel like I'm getting much rest facing this challenge right now, and there are things I must be doing.

At the very least, I feel like I can handle these kind of things now. Not that I enjoy it, but that it's not much of an issue.

.../It was night and I was about to finish my job when an old guy gets in the scene and attacks me. He doesn't look sober, and it seems he has some mental disorder. He's in sandals, wearing shorts and an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt. He tries to kick the package I have in hand, which I wasn't able to deliver because of there were something wrong with all the delivery stuff. He starts saying things in German, and it seems he's insulting me because of his face expression. I try to answer and realize that I'm not that good in this language and I cannot translate what I want to tell him. I babble a couple of words trying to tell him he's sort of coward faggot, but it doesn't seem to hurt him because of he answers something like "That's right!". Then I try to tell him, "Then go and fuck your self with a pretty long stick into your ass!!", to what he replies with something like "I've already done that!" while going away/...

* Wake up frustrated...

.../I'm with my foster mother, telling her some recent stories I lived which includes some anecdotes that include my biological mother's origins, when I realize she doesn't like to hear it/...

.../We are gathering in my wife's friend's house. I go out with her to show where we are living now, it's a seventh floor, and I have to count the floors to point our apartment window/...

* It's nice that I finally saw more details about that apartment.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening

Arrived by bus from a travel, meet my mom who updates me on local news. She tells me some bizarre stories about werewolves attacking people. I ask her what she thinks about it, if true or false, if false what is the intention behind the hoax, if true, has someone died. Apparently there has been disappearances but no dead bodies. And some terrorized eye witnesses. She shares some theories, we discuss them.
Then, by the side of the road, coming out from the tall grass, we see by the corner of our eyes, what seems like a huge black dog. First we disregard it, but considering our topic of conversation, we look again and we notice it's not a normal black dog. It's huge, more like a wolf... or werewolf, hideous, with red eyes, long teeth, growling menacing. My mom freaks out, screams and runs away. I see in his eyes that he will run after her in the next nanosecond to attack her. In the split second it takes me to read its mind, I position myself in front of it, look it in the eyes with total confidence and make a subtle motion with my head and eyes, to signal the beast not to attack and turn away. It looks me in the eyes, angry but submissive and it turns away. I reach my mother, she is terrorized and befuddled. I tell her the werewolf is like a big mean dog and we can control it just like a dog whisperer would control a dog. But deep down I am also befuddled and I feel that I have a natural inate werewolf whisperer gift that I didn't know of. I had no idea I could control these beasts.

I'm playing a game similar to Fury, where you can pick between different styles of character, each with separate item sets and skills. There is a portal to use to enter battles with other players. I still have beginner items, and am a low level. There are also a few random creatures around outside the portal. I switch to the one that can stealth (go invisible) and begin equipping some of the better gear I have in my inventory, but as I do so, I realize a match has already begun, however I don't have any weapon equipped. I end up equipping scissors, and a pen, and rush over to help my team mate. We end up losing, and are then outside the portal again.

Now with better items equipped, I notice two wolves / dogs behind the portal, I mouse over one and see he's level one. I think it'll be an easy kill, so I stealth over, but then notice there is also a level 6, my level. I try to stealth up behind that one, but he turns to face me, and it is clear I won't get a surprise attack. Spamming the attack button, I end up hitting the level 1, and back off, pulling just that one away. I finish that one off, and return for the level 6.

Ryan tells me, "If you can kill that one, we can finally see what's behind the portal in that direction. Having played the game for a lot longer than I have, I wonder why no one else has managed to kill the level 6 dog.

I am now in place of the character I was playing, and reach out to grab the dog. He tries to bite me, but I grab him just under the jaw, so he can't get his lower teeth under my hand. He is a small brown dog, with very vicious looking sharp teeth, angry eyes, and half floppy pug style ears. I hear Ryan say, "be careful, that think will tear you to pieces." Noticing the viciousness of it's attempts to break free of my hold, and bite into my hand, I can't help but worry about letting him loose accidentally.

I tighten my hold, and as he tries to break free, wiggling all over, I follow his movements and end up holding him up against a wall, in a choke hold. Although this does not deter him one bit, as he still struggles intensely to rip me apart, but can't due to me pinning him in place. I get a better position, and he realizes his struggling won't free him, so he pees and shits everywhere. I don't even look down, although I feel the piss on my legs, I stare the dog in the eyes.

He then talks to me, saying, "I don't want to hurt you." I tell him I don't want to hurt him either, and let him down. He sniffs my hand and then licks it before running back to where he was originally behind the portal. I now look down and see big wet stains on my pants, and goat turds all around.

Ryan approaches the dog, but is immediately met with snarling and an attack position by the dog. He decides against fighting it. I walk past him, and he lets me pet him and scratch him behind the ears.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening

(...) I'm a spoiled rich girl, going out for a classical music show and cake in a tea room, with my BF and two girl friends. We live in the elite safe zone, but on this particular night we're attacked in a dark alley by what I call a demon and they are killed. No one believes me, I'm declared guilty and expelled to the freaks and mutants zone. Of course, when I get there, I'm totally ostracized, because I don't fit in.
People there start bullying me, I have to fight to defend myself, but it turns out I'm quite a good fighter and I conquer their respect. I make some friends, but soon after I am coming out of a building, to a garden area, it's twilight and foggy and I sense a dark presence. I shiver, but I have to go. I am attacked near the greenhouse by a monster. He has the size and body of a man, but his head is of a cat and his grin is of a devil and all his body is covered or made of black vinyl. After his firsta attack failed, he emanates another entity, also a cat like demon in black vinyl, but with a feline body. I feel I'm in deep shit, but some of my mutant friends come into scene and help me escape.
I am cast out from even the freaks-mutant zone, because they consider me dangerous, since I have this demon after me. They don't know what it is, but they know legends about it and just how nasty it is and they want me and it far away from them.
(...)
I wander alone, until I find a lady who shows me a very old and big book. It contains a picture, complex and surreal, like a Bosch painting. I am mesmerized by it and try to dechipher its images, but the lady tells me the real secret is explained in the hidden images that compose the visible image. She puts the drawing under a potent magnifier and shows me that it is made of 1500 smaller drawings, side by side, each of which are incredibly detailed and pertaining to some mithology I am not aware of. She shows me this one particular drawing of a male figure, half man, half wolf and cat, with white fur, standing towards us, embracing a half naked, ginger haired, beautiful lady, with her back to us, but her head turned to us. The lady starts telling me about these female warriors who have these mythical half-beast warriors as their protectors and guardians. And there's also the evil counterparts who seek to kill them. If the black vinyl beast is after me, I must find my protector to help me.
Then, out of nowhere, a guy that looks like Charles Xavier appears offering me a ride in his car to their nearby secret airport where we can get on to their private jet and go to Mexico. I don't know why Mexico, but they say there's no time to explain, those who are seeking me have picked up my trail and will soon arrive. In Mexico I will be safer and apparently there will be someone who can provide more clues.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening

I am one of the maids of a princess. She is invited to meet a prince, supposedly to arrange a marriage between the two and I am one of the two maids that will accompany her. We are silly girls, gossiping all the way about how romantic this is and how this prince will be such a gentleman and they'll fall in love for each other. But when we arrive at his palace, in the mountains, he is still in bed, apparently with an hangover. The king is pissed and drags us with him to the prince's room, where we have to watch him dragging him out of bed. He is rude and unclean. But that's not the worst.
Later on, he invites the princess to his quarters and we accompany her, but instead of a chaste meeting to break the ice, we find ourselves in a room surrounded by court members dressed in S&M costumes, mostly black and golden, and the princess is sexually abused and humilliated by the prince in front of everybody. They cheer and they help torture her and we are hopelessly forbiden to interfere. So I run to the garden outside. I meet a nice couple that comforts me and says they understand my shock. They ask if I know what's going on. I don't. Then part of their heads becomes green, with spikes and I realize they aren't quite human. They say that's true, no one inside that palace is really human. And because we, maids, have already seen too much, we will be sacrificed after this sexual ritual ends. They say they can help me, but they don't know if they can still help the other maid who's still inside.
They tell me to hide in the woods. I stay there, behind a stone wall, until it's dark. I see people from the villages down below, coming up to the palace gardens, supposedly invited to some public event. They wait outside in a very festive enviroment. But then I see strange lights in the sky and as they come closer, I distinguish triangular shaped ships that start shooting rays of light that kill people. As people run in panic, one of the ships lands nearby and some strange creatures, like deformed horses, covered in black suits, come out of it and start shooting rays in all directions. Always hidden behind that wall, I try to run away from there too. I come across this couple that helped me before and they point me an entrance to a tunnel, they say will exit 1 or 2 kms downhill. I step inside, but it is very tight and I feel claustrophobic thinking about crawling 1 or 2 kms in that dark tunnel. I prefer to take my risks in the woods. So I keep going downhill and I see more of those dark horses killing people and barely escape one.
Only when it's early morning I arrive at a village and feel safe. There's other survivors arriving to and sharing their stories and wondering what kind of creatures were that. Some claim that the dark horses actually had people inside, others talk about monsters disguised as people.

Sep 22-23 (Lucid)

It wasn't super long, but I was being attacked by some crazy powerful dude who had more powers than I did, so while he was charging one up I ran away and while doing so I realized it was a dream so I started to try to fly. It was working to, like superman style flying. I tried to go insanely fast like warp speed but couldn't do it, then thought what if I fall, and I started to fall. So I landed and thought about how weird it was that my body is laying down sleeping but I was there moving, but at that moment things started to fade and I became aware of my actual body. But it was a false awakening because I woke up in a car drenched in sweat waiting for my guardian to come turn on the car? But I totally fell for it and forgot I was dreaming haha. Then a few minutes later I actually woke up by alarm.

Also I've had some awesome dreams this weekend about extreme sports and super powers. I've gone like dirt biking down a hill with a glider on top so if I hit a jump I would get a ton of air and glide down slowly. Then I also had a dream about sky diving and stuff and it felt crazy.

A Mogadorian (from the series I Am Number Four) was going to take me sky diving, told me he was going to grab 2 more scouts, it seemed sketchy, my dad told me to get shotguns, so I picked up this weird looking block that was supposed to be a futuristic shotgun. The Mogadorian came back and I tried to shoot him but he was all defensive and said stop, but seemed sketchy with a sword and trying to get behind me.

12/16/13

A Fool and His Grenade Launcher
It is dark outside. I am leaning up against an old broken down car. I realize I have fallen asleep. That's not good since I am supposed to be on watch. The city we're in is teaming with zombies and strange mutant creatures that would kill us without hesitation. My boyfriend Josh is lying in a sleeping bag right near me sleeping peacefully. I am completely non-lucid and unaware of my waking life. My name is Isabell. I watch Josh as he sleeps. I wonder if I should tell him the full truth about what I am, what is inside of me. No. I can't. He would leave me alone. Alone and cold, I can't face the idea of being left alone.

I hear a sound from the other side of the car. I peek out of our hiding place. The moonlight is enough to reveal there is a man standing in the street beyond our hiding place. I am even able to identify who it is. It's Alex Mercer. Josh and I have actually been making a point of staying in the relative vicinity of Alex Mercer. He tends to keep the number of zombies and mutants in the area to a minimum, and if he has noticed us staying near him, he has ignored us. I sit back down, I figure this doesn't require me to bother Josh. Alex will surely continue to not notice us or ignore us. But it seems my movements have awakened Josh anyhow. He sits up and looks at me he asks what is up. I tell him it's nothing. I just heard something and it is Alex Mercer. He still has two more hours before his turn. He lies back down and I lean back against the wrecked car, gazing at the stars. The sky is clear, the only sounds are the quiet movements of Alex out in the street.

I jump a little when Josh suddenly sits up. He says he has it! I ask what. I don't really want to hear his answer. Usually when he says that when he has a notably stupid idea. Of course I can't really complain since it was one of these stupid ideas for him to come with me when the Outsiders had started hunting me. I wish he was back home and safe, though that would mean I would be alone now and I desperately need Josh to keep my heart safe. Without Josh I would be nothing more than a... no... I'm not going to think about that. Josh says he has a great idea. I ask what. He says we'll get rich and then get some really secluded place to stay hidden, a safe and comfortable place. I tell him good luck with that. He looks through the window of the wrecked car towards where I saw Alex. He says Alex will make us rich. I tell him to go back to sleep... he's clearly not thinking straight. He says Blackwatch has offered a huge reward to whoever can kill Alex Mercer. I face palm. I tell him sure, just sit there and give Alex a dirty look for a while until Alex dies of boredom. Now go back to sleep.

I look back to the stars again, not paying attention to Josh rummaging in a pile of stuff we've collected. He pulls out a grenade launcher. He says he has this covered. Get the reward, set up a defendable hideaway with everything we could need. He says he will be able to provide a better life for me then, when we don't have to keep moving and running from the Outsiders. Now I'm a bit alarmed. I tell him to put that thing down, adding that he must be crazy. He says no, I saw what it did to that mutant... the grenade penetrated the mutant's armor and exploded on the inside, tearing the thing apart. I tell him to put that thing away now, I'll not have him running off on some suicide mission. Besides, it's safer with Alex around... as long as no one does something stupid and pisses him off. Something stupid like firing a grenade at him. Josh says it will work. He starts to go around the car and into the open. I grab him and pull him back. I tell him to not try it. Seriously. Don't do it. He looks into my eye for a bit and then goes back to his sleeping bag. He says if I feel that strongly, he'll think of something else. He sets the weapon on the pile of stuff and lies back down. I watch him for a bit longer. He shifts uneasily and then gets up again. He says he has to take a piss. He sounds annoyed at me. Oh, well. Better he be annoyed than have him run off and get killed by Alex Mercer. He disappears between two buildings to do his business behind a dumpster.

I look back to the sky. All is quiet. But Josh is taking too long... could something have happened? Zombies or mutants this close to Alex? It would be unexpected, but not impossible. I am about to follow him into the alley. I ready my energy. I am loathe to use it, dark energy. I hate the way it makes me feel, and it adversely affects the area. But if Josh needs me to use it to save him, I will. I start towards the alley when there is an explosion behind me, out in the street where I saw Alex. A Blackwatch attack? They're always trying to blow Alex up, always failing. I peek out into the street. Now it is silent. Blackwatch has never tried just one attack... Something inside of me feels cold, it's dread.

I look from my hiding place and see what I feared. Josh is out in the street waving at me. He yells at me that I should have believed in him. Alex Mercer is history. He comes towards me slowly. The moonlight reveals his I-told-you-so grin. There is movement behind him. I look beyond Josh and I see something surprising. Alex Mercer is in two pieces! His top half is about three feet from his bottom half. Then there's more movement. The two halves are moving, coming slowly together. I motion to Josh to hurry. He goes even slower, spreading his arms out like he's some kind of victorious hero. I point at Alex, who is now merging back into one piece. He looks and seems to freeze for a bit, unable to believe what he's seeing. I motion to him to hurry. He starts running towards me. He's too far away! He circled around a building to sneak past me and my objections. But he is almost here! He has almost reached our hiding place when a taloned tendril pierces his chest. I have a split second to see the stunned look on his face before he gets pulled back the other direction. Pulled back to a seriously pissed off Alex Mercer. I have no choice but to use the dark energy to get him back. I call on the energy, I feel it rising inside me. I stand up to get Josh back... but he's already gone. Alex has already consumed him. But so fast?

I drop back out of sight, collapsing to the ground beside the wrecked car. The dark energy subsides, replaced by an icy coldness. It's so cold. Josh is gone... why did he have to be such a fucking idiot?! Why couldn't he have just listened to me?! What the fuck was he thinking?! Blackwatch has hit Alex with volleys of missiles and grenades and rockets and it has done nothing! What is one stupid explosive going to do?! I'll tell you what it'll do! It'll PISS HIM OFF! It'll just piss him off... Damn it, Josh... you IDIOT! I'm not really angry at Alex... what else would be expected after Josh... that damn idiot... had literally blasted Alex into two pieces? Of course Alex is going to fight back. Nothing else would be logical. Why did Josh have to be so stupid? I am angry at Josh for leaving me to go on what he should've known was a suicide mission. He was really all I had. What would I do without him? My mind continues like that, I find I am crying. I am relieved that I still can cry. The darkness wouldn't take over immediately. Maybe it won't. Maybe I can resist it. Maybe I can...

I am distracted from my thoughts by movement right in front of me. I look up and see Alex is standing right in front of me, looking down at me. Shit... I curse at myself. I was so caught up with Josh being gone that I had forgotten something really important. When Alex consumes someone he gets the memories of the person he consumed. Josh knew where I was hiding... so of course Alex would know that now. I had needed to depart from the hiding place immediately and disappear into the night. Easily done in the night, but I hadn't moved an inch. And now it's too late. Well, at least I don't have to worry about the darkness consuming me, Alex will take care of that... I just lean back against the wrecked car, close my eyes, and wait. I don't really care what happens. Not a good sign. I find myself hoping Alex will hurry up and kill me before darkness fills my heart. Then I will never have to feel the cold. But nothing happens. I open my eyes and he is still there looking at me. Um... what happened? Is the darkness somehow visible and making me look like an oddity? Now I am just staring back at him. The moonlight is reflecting off of his eyes in a hypnotic way. Just look at those eyes... I shake my head quickly... what the fuck am I thinking?!

I am clearing my head when Alex finally does something. He puts his arms around me and lifts me up. I wonder what he is doing. I keep my eyes closed, but I feel us moving quickly, sometimes it feels like flying. This goes on for a short while and then it seems we are inside someplace. We go through a couple more doors and then Alex carefully lies me down on what feels like a bed. This is very confusing. He would know I was with Josh, so why am I still alive? I hear Alex speaking. He says since Josh isn't here to watch me he had brought me someplace that should be safe from the infected. Infected? Does he mean zombies and mutants? They had seemed like monsters. I'd never considered maybe they were sick or infected with something... Alex says he knows I tried to keep Josh from attacking, and he had assumed Josh was Blackwatch. Josh wasn't Blackwatch... though he had been dumb enough to think they would honor their reward even if he had succeeded. So Alex doesn't plan on killing me after all. It's cold, and I shiver. My sleeping bag is back at the hiding place. I feel Alex lie down beside me, close to me. Close enough that I feel his body heat. I feel him put his arms around me... all six of them?! No... four of those "arms" are tendrils, but those are warm, too. I am feeling warmer. I want to ask Alex why he seems to be helping me after what happened with Josh. But I am also very tired. Before I can manage to ask I fall asleep, a nice and peaceful sleep, and wake up in bed.

12/11/13

A Father's Death
I wake up lying in a comfortable bed that I know right away is not my own. I am Amelia. The first thought that returns to my mind is my father turning his back on me, not caring if I live or die. I bury my head in the pillow wishing I could just fall back asleep and maybe next time I wake up all of this will be just a bad dream. I am getting close to falling asleep when I hear someone enter the room with me. A man beside the bed whispers my name quietly. "Amelia? Amelia, wake up… we have to go." Go? Go where? And who was in my room? I open my eyes and look at the man beside my bed. It's Alex Mercer. Alex Mercer! For just an instant I am alarmed and I sit up quickly, wondering if there is any quick path to escape. But then the sleep clears out of my mind. I have nothing to fear from Alex. He has made it very clear he has no interest in hurting me. And he certainly wouldn't hurt me after I helped him get the formula for the serum he needed to cure his sister Dana. He steps back a bit and says he's sorry he startled me. He says Dana is awake, so he wants to go to the hospital and see her. He says it's not safe for me to stay here alone, there has been too much activity among the infected here recently. So he wants to take me with him. For some reason his show of concern for my safety makes me want to go give him a big hug. It's not really something I am accustomed to… my sorry excuse for a father sure hadn't showed any concern for my safety…

I get out of bed and follow Alex back into the room with the computers. I ask if the infected would really come into the apartment. He points at the hole and says that's where a supreme hunter grabbed Dana right out of her computer chair and took her to Elizabeth Greene for who-knows-what malevolent purpose. He'd gotten Dana back before Greene had finished what she was doing, but that was why Dana had needed the serum. He crouches down so I can get on his back and ride piggy-back again. This time I hold on as tight as I can without him saying anything. And then he is off like a flash, into the air, over buildings, up walls, then he glides in for a landing in an alley behind a hospital. He sets me down and motions for me to follow him inside. I look around. I don't see any sign of infected around there, but I follow Alex anyway. I follow him through several halls and we finally get to a room. The room looks disturbingly like a morgue… I see a sign on the door that says that's exactly what it is. For an instant I am afraid Dana died after all, but no… Alex had said she is awake. I follow Alex into the room and close the door behind me.

In the morgue I see there are a couple dead bodies on tables. I make a point of ignoring those. Alex is with two other people talking. One of the two people is a black man in doctor's garb, and the other is a red-haired woman dressed casually, though her clothes are a bit dirty and ripped. That must be Dana. Alex motions to me to come over where he introduces me to the other two. The doctor is Dr. Ragland, one of the few people Alex feels he can trust, and the woman is Dana Mercer, which I had already guessed. Alex introduces me to them as Amelia, and says I'm the one that managed to get the formula for the serum. Dr. Ragland tells me I did a great thing, that formula saved Dana's life. I force a smile at them, though I don't feel like smiling. I can still hear my father's voice in my mind saying I am of no use to him. Kill her, eat her, fuck her… I don't care… I try to push the voice from my mind before I start crying. Alex asks if I am ok. I lie to him and say I am fine. I'm sure he doesn't want to hear about my problems.

As Alex, Dana, and Dr. Ragland are talking I just kind of move away from them. I feel uncomfortable and out of place. I feel like I don't belong there. So since no one has noticed me move away from the group I continue and leave the morgue. I find my way to the front of the hospital and look outside. There are people out there, regular people, uninfected people. None of them seem alarmed about anything, so I reason it must be relatively safe here. I go outside into the sun. It feels nice. I look around at the people walking and talking and I realize I have never felt so alone. I just walk to the stairs that lead to the front door of the hospital where I sit down, not sure where to go, not sure what to do. I spend a short time crying silently, which no one seems to notice. Or maybe just no one cares. My tears finally dry up but I still don't know where to go so I stay there.

I am still sitting there when a uniformed soldier approaches me, looking at me like he is seeing a ghost. He asks if I am Amelia. I say yes. He is stunned beyond belief. He says everyone at the base is certain I must be dead. He helps me to my feet. He continues talking. He asks how I managed to get away from Mercer. He says that ever since Mercer broke his end of the deal by refusing to release me, everyone had assumed he had probably consumed me to see if I knew anything about… I interrupt him. I ask him exactly what he thinks happened that night. He says an arrangement was made to trade some serum to Mercer for my safe return. The serum had been delivered, but Mercer had refused to let me go, and had instead taken me with him when he left. He said people had searched… I interrupt him again. The serum was delivered? No way! That bastard that calls himself my father had flat out refused to hand over the serum, he'd flat out refused to even consider it! I am so upset that I am on the verge of tears again, but this time there is a fair amount of anger mixed with my grief. That bastard is making himself out to be a victim! I tell the soldier that Alex never did anything to hurt me, in fact he had let me go. My story is not quite true, rather I snuck away while Alex had been talking to Dana and Dr. Ragland, but I have no doubt in my mind he would have let me go even if he had seen me leaving. The soldier doesn't seem to know what to say. He asks if Mercer really let me go, but doesn't wait for an answer. He said we should get back to the base, then leads me to his vehicle and we leave.

I actually have thoughts that I don't want to go back to the base. There's nothing there for me. But I don't say anything, and we drive in through the heavy gates that protect the entrance. I get out of the vehicle and walk towards the residence section. And there he is. The bastard that claims to be my father. The bastard that refused to trade a failed experiment for my safe return. That bastard… He comes over to me with his arms spread wide, saying over and over how happy he is to see that I am ok. He says he's been afraid he would never see me again. He keeps talking and I walk right over to him. Without a moment's hesitation I pull my right fist back and punch him in the face as hard as I can. SMACK! I hurt my hand when I do that. I also feel my father's nose bend unnaturally to the side. Blood spurts from the nose and all over my hand. I start yelling at him, letting the anger out. "A failed experiment? You were willing to give me up for a FAILED EXPERIMENT?! YOU ASSHOLE! YOU ROTTEN PIECE OF SHIT!"

My father takes a towel from a man who hands it to him. He holds the towel to his nose to stem the bleeding. He has the nerve to be getting mad at me. He says I shouldn't talk about what I don't understand. He says he had everything under control until Mercer grabbed me and left. I ask what part of his plan involved riddling my body with bullets as his thugs tried to shoot Alex. He says they are good enough with their weapons, they weren't going to hit me. He hesitates, then asks me how I know what serum Mercer had been after. I tell him Alex pointed out which one he needed… when I hacked into his computer. I speak plenty loud enough so anyone in the area can hear that he has what is no doubt an unauthorized copy of classified information on his personal computer. He asks if I want to get him in trouble. I say the answer is the same as his answer to, "Do you want to watch your daughter die?" He repeats that he had everything under control. He asks how I could hand classified information over to Mercer. I ask him how he was so willing to turn ME over to Alex? He says I shouldn't talk to my father like that. I tell him I'm not. My father is dead. He hesitates, not seeming to know what to say. Neither does anyone else. The room is dead silent. I tell the man who once was my father that he is nothing to me now. He is shit.

I turn and walk away from the asshole. He grabs my arm. I feel like kicking him in the balls. He says I can't just walk away, I aided and abetted the enemy. He wants to know where Mercer is right now, what he is up to, where he took me, how I managed to escape. I tell him I have no idea where Alex is right now, I can't say where he took me because it was not through a route I am used to traveling, and I didn't escape… he let me go. He asks where I last saw Mercer. I tell him I wouldn't tell him where Alex was if Alex was sneaking up right behind him! He glares at me and then speaks to a man beside him. He says I was picked up by the hospital, and that is too far away for me to have gotten on foot. So Mercer must have taken me there. Go there and make sure Mercer doesn't leave there alive! Level the entire area if you have to, but don't let Mercer escape! Someone asks what about the civilians seeking medical help there. The asshole says they don't matter, all of them are infected and just haven't shown symptoms yet. They're already dead! I tell the thing that claims to be my father that he is the absolute lowest form of life I have ever seen. The reports are all right… there is a monster running around the city. But it's not Alex, it's him. He tells one of the soldiers to escort me to my quarters and make sure I stay there. In my current state of mind I might run off and warn Mercer.

One of the soldiers takes my arm gently and uncertainly. He is clearly not comfortable with the situation. He leads me from the room. He stops once we're out of sight. His name is Steve. He says I know my father better than he does… would he really kill everyone in that hospital just on the slim chance they might be able to take Mercer with it? I tell him I would have said 'no' just last week, but now I would have to say 'yes' definitely. He says someone has to warn the hospital so they can evacuate the patients. We go into a room with some computers. He tries to open communications to the hospital but all communications are shut down. He curses, then says all the computers are on lock down since a hacker was detected… He says he will have to go to the hospital. He says I should go to my quarters where it's safe. I tell him I don't think that's safe considering how crazy my father is acting and that he seems to think I have teamed up with Alex.

Steve hesitates, then says I can go with him. We hurry to the area where the vehicles are parked and get into a Jeep and take off out the door. Speeding down the empty streets makes the trip go pretty fast, but it still seems to take forever. Questions go through my mind. How long will it take to organize a massive attack on the hospital? Is Alex still there? How about Dana? Dr. Ragland is surely still there… We finally arrive at the hospital and Steve jumps right out and runs inside. I am right behind him. While he heads for security, however, I head for the morgue. I run all the way there and I am rather winded when I get there. I go inside and find it is empty. No one is there. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I go into the next room, which is a lab. Dana is in there sleeping on a couch. Dr. Ragland and Alex are facing the other way and talking. I am trying to catch my breath. Alex looks over and sees me there. He asks where I went off to. I tell him that's a long story, but Blackwatch is attacking the hospital any minute now, so he'll want to get Dana and Dr. Ragland out of there. Alex changes form into a soldier and leaves the room.

I follow Alex back to the front of the hospital. I can already hear helicopters in the distance approaching. And the engines of tanks. It's too late to evacuate… Alex asks Steve what is going on. Steve says the commander has gone mad… he's going to bomb the shit out of the hospital. He said we need to get as many people out as possible. Alex says there isn't time. He runs out towards the approaching enemies. I see several helicopters in the air, but I can't see the ground forces yet. Then I see Alex launch into the sky right in the middle of the group of helicopters. He explodes in a huge mass of what look like tendrils (tendril barrage devastator) that punch right through the choppers as if they are paper. The choppers explode and Alex drops back to the ground. Steve looks at me in shock… he says that other soldier was Alex Mercer! He looks around and exclaims that he was face-to-face with Alex Mercer and he's still alive! I am too far away to see any details, but I hear a lot of explosions and I can tell there is a big fight going on out there. That goes on for a while longer and then everything goes silent. Smoke is rising out there, everyone waits to see if anyone emerges.

A single soldier finally emerges from the smoke and destruction. A single soldier that does not even look injured. He gets a bit closer and looks around the area. Everyone has stopped whatever they were doing to watch what was happening. Some civilians are coming from the general direction of the smoke. They all have different descriptions of what they saw. There is only one thing that everyone agrees on. A huge Blackwatch attack force had been closing in on the hospital for unknown reasons when Alex Mercer had single handedly put a stop to the attack. The single soldier comes over near me. Steve backs away from the single soldier, who I have no doubt is Alex. The conversations around me are all about Blackwatch attacking a civilian hospital and Alex Mercer defending it, it seems a lot of people are expressing disbelief about that happening but none are really denying it. The conversation shifts to Blackwatch lying and Blackwatch cover-ups. Alex asks if I am ok. I say I am fine.

A jeep drives up to the front of the hospital. I see the asshole who was once my father in it. He gets out and glares right at me. He says he should have known. He looks at Steve and says he is in a lot of trouble. Because of him I got out and warned Mercer, and now Mercer has disappeared again. Steve glances over at Alex but says nothing. My former father turns to me and says even Steve isn't in as much trouble as I am. He says he has never been so ashamed of his own daughter. I remind him that my father is dead, I am no daughter of his. He says I am under arrest. Alex comes over beside me and tells my former father to leave me alone. My former father looks at Alex's name tag and refers to him as Brandon, telling him to mind his own business. Steve asks if my former father really ordered an attack on a civilian hospital. He says this was a rare chance to eliminate Alex Mercer, but thanks to me, the bastard got away. Steve glances at Alex again but still says nothing. Alex walks right up to my former father and says again to leave me alone. My former father says maybe he should take "Brandon" in with me, and Steve, too, if we all insist on siding with Mercer. Steve says he's not siding with anyone. Alex says my former father won't be ordering any more attacks on civilian targets. The asshole tells Alex he'll order whatever attacks he wants whenever he… Alex interrupts him by consuming him right on the spot.

Alex takes the form of my former father. Steve moves farther away, he pretends to have not noticed anything out of the ordinary. It seems no one else noticed at all, everyone is too occupied by talking amongst themselves. I am just staring. I was so very angry at that asshole who called himself my father… but I'm still not sure what to think of the fact Alex just killed him. In fact, I feel rather light headed. Maybe too much has happened just recently. Too much stress. The world is spinning. There are now three Steves and three Alexes looking at me. I feel like I am falling over. Alex gets closer and catches me before I can fall to the ground. Steve is just watching as Alex catches me before I can fall. He also seems unsure of what to say or do, and he ends up saying and doing nothing. Alex looks around, then back at me… all five of him. Alex says he will get me someplace safe. He says he won't let anything happen to me. He lies me on the back seat of the Jeep and drives away from the hospital, probably to avoid attracting any attention. We are driving along when everything fades to black and I wake up in my own bed.

Hey, an entry that's in (relative) real-time!

I dreamed I was in my childhood home in Canada, during one of the more pleasant times. I'm in our living room with the fuzzy carpet, and I think I'm shifting between current me and the child me that would be appropriate during that time, i.e. I'd be my full adult height, but there was a moment when I'm scaling the couch like it was the Wall of Ice like I was 9 again.

I think either my mother or father was there, or some other parental figure that lent a sense of safety, though I never saw who it was. I just knew they were there. Either way, I suddenly am eating a plate of something sweet that I knew I really like, though the contents of it were not immediately made clear. As far as I could tell, they are solid, possibly some sort of baked bread treat? Doesn't matter, really, since I'm just happily enjoying the--

Oh my God FUCK jumping spider.

So, context: I'm usually cool with most creatures, but if a spider is in MY house, then they are the agents of Devil-Satan and pump not blood like you and me, but disease-filled goo that will permanently infect your home as a final act of fuck-you should you attempt to kill them. Again, no leap of logic here, but learning about spiders with R that same night probably caused them to haunt my dreams; but of all the much more pleasant things I could have dreamed about, my brain decided "No, it's gonna be spiders, because middle finger."

ANYWAYS, the spider is about the size of my palm, and is slightly more slender than a wolf spider. This type of spider is also translucent white with hints of red in their core, and Dream Knowledge tells me that not only do they drink blood, they'll turn completely red from it. They actually remind me a little of the Wraith Spiders from the Neverwinter Nights game, and this particular one wants my goddamned food.

I make a tactical retreat, but the spider follows me, and that parental figure is nowhere to be found. I go past the kitchen, into the formal dining room, get turned around, and head back to the living room again; another one of those Wraith Spiders is waiting for me. Fuck.

The new spider leaps up towards my plate, and I instinctively use my right hand to slap it away. I could feel and hear the impact, and was a bit like slapping a plastic spider toy away. The spider goes flying, but I know that now, aside from my food, it also craves revenge. Luckily, this sequence ends before I get my comeuppance.

Dream two was less spider-y, but much more vague and less memorable. As far as I can recall, I seem to be in an office setting, but I don't work at wherever this office is. Not sure why or what I'm doing there, but I woke up before I could do whatever it was I was going to do.