Recent DJ Posts

So in the dream, my mom had previously had a heart attack; me and the rest of my close family went to the hospital with her, and she ended up surviving. Later on she held a speech about something in front of a large crowd of people, I don't know what the speech was about. While holding the speech, she was shot straight through the heart; for some reason this wasn't instantly lethal and she was again taken to the hospital. She was told that she she only had a few months to live. She could leave the hospital and wasn't confined to any machines, but it was like cancer where you just suddenly die towards the end.

*What I wrote above was past memories in the dream and my dream kind of starts here*: Me and my extended family were at my grandparents house, it was a family gathering that was rather common. The mood was pretty depressing as everyone knew my mom only had a few months to live, so we tried to enjoy her company before she died. We tried not to mention her limited lifespan.

I left to go on a walk alone, as I needed to gather my thoughts. The area I was walking in was a wild grass-plain area with an abandoned bunker near it. It was a very calm and peaceful area that was easy to walk in. Suddenly my mom showed up out of nowhere, and I was pleasantly surprised to see her. She smiled and gave off a certain warmth that I can't describe.
We then started walking together while talking, it was very casual and it felt nice, but something seemed off. I forgot what we were talking about but I eventually realised it wasn't my mom, but someone disguised as her. Not with like a clothing/mask disguise, but like a transformation disguise. Suddenly the thing pretending to be my mom morphed and revealed itself to be the devil. He started tormenting me with everything that's wrong with me and taunted me with how my mom was going to die and that I would never see her again.
Then I woke up.

I rode my bike to this hotel that was nearby to sit and do homework. The hotel was located near a beach. The hotel building itself wasn't too eye-catching but the surroundings expressed a sense of Nordic summer beauty. Behind the hotel was a forest with flourishing wild nature, and in front of the hotel was a large area filled with chairs and grey parasols. The weather was warm but not too hot, as it was kept in balance by the occasional chilly wind. The sun was shining with no clouds in the sky and the atmosphere was generally very comfortable. The hotel was very lively, with people walking around and some just relaxing in the chairs or at the beach.

Most days I would go to the hotel to do homework and go back home to my student accommodation at the end of the day. But today I was at the hotel with the rest of my family to participate in some weird beach activity where we would ride dolphins. It almost ended with some of us getting eaten by sharks though.

Later that same day, a little girl was sitting under a parasol with her grandma and they offered me a sandwich that was wrapped in white wrapping paper. I accepted it but didn't eat it immediately, and eventually forgot about it.
I went back to my student accommodation and arrived at the hotel the next day. The atmosphere felt very ominous. The sky was light grey, it was slightly chilly and only a few people were at the hotel, besides that there were a bunch of policemen and an ambulance with medics standing around someone. I walked closer to see what was going on. I saw the drowned and semi-rotten corpses of the grandma and little girl who had given me that sandwich the other day. Their skin had a slight green tint to them, like they were moulding from the inside. Their skin was also torn with some visible flesh. It would be fairly unpleasant to see, but it didn't bother me much and I just went home with my family who were still there for some reason. Everything hotel-related took place outside, I never entered the hotel.

So we got home and I went to the kitchen and closed the door behind me. I turned forward to see the little girl's and grandma's rotten corpses sitting while laying over the kitchen table. My heart sank, I felt intensely sick and scared. I tried calling for my parents but the words couldn't leave my mouth. I was stuttering too much and couldn't raise my voice at all. I then noticed the sandwich they gave me lying on the table. I slowly walked over to the table and slightly touched it.
As soon as I touched it, the corpses start impulsively shaking, like they were getting electrocuted. The sudden movement shocked me. As they continued shaking I saw the grandmas eyes start to move, and she locks eyes with me. It was like a scene out of a horror movie. I was terrified and ran to the living room.

When I got to the living room I saw my mom standing there, she was slightly leaning forward while holding her face with her palms, groaning. I noticed she was rapidly rotting and drying up, I also saw my sister in another room experiencing the same thing. I quickly ran to my little brothers room to see a completely shrivelled up and rotten corpse. He was dead. My whole family was dead. I then for some reason knew the grandma was gonna come to kill me. The fear of getting hunted down mixed with the overwhelming grief I felt in my heart was so unbearable that i quickly grabbed a knife and stabbed myself in the stomach to end the suffering.
Then I woke up.

Please comment your thoughts!

A few fragments from the previous nights. Was talking to the Jamie voice in the middle of the night. Many in the Twin Flame community report hearing their partner's voice in their head. As well as experiencing their presence while going to bed. For me it's like experiencing physical sensations with a phantom body (hugs, kisses etc.). I think her voice wanted confirmation of this. Specifically we both mentioned that we both felt safe during this nightly experience. Also I fall into HH or micro dreams which usually reflect the experience.

Jamie 1

A dream where Jamie was in her house. My vision zoomed out and her house was in a toy box or something.

Jamie 2

We seemed to be getting married in this dream. Jamie confirmed her vows and then it was my turn. I began stumbling my vows and finding it hard to speak. Someone started yelling at me for this.

Jamie 3

Brief sex related dream.

Last night:

Jamie 4

HH during talking to her voice. I was seeing a hallway in n a hospital filled with equipment. I heard Jamie's voice say, "I love it when you kiss me down the hall."

I woke up and asked her voice what she meant. Her voice said, " it was my dream, it made sense at the time."

Jamie 5

Jamie was in a rage or something. Not sure what about. I grabbed her in a hug to calm her down. She struggled and maybe swore at me, but I held on. She stopped and I just let her cry.

I woke up and her voice said, " Thank you for calming me down."

Annoying.

I was working in a strange place as a chef. I was in a bathroom and saw something gross in a toilet... Whoever had left it there, was dying from colon cancer. There was blood all over the floor.
I left and passed by a door leading to a room where someone older men were sitting. One man was dying and bleeding... Maybe the cancer guy.

Went to the kitchen. But didn't know what to make. An older east Indian woman was trying to get with me while I was working. Kept force hugging me after I told her to stop.

Went back to the room with the men saying I was going to quit because of that woman. I came there for work and nothing else.

The first thing I remembered was my mom offering me a vegan beef jerky stick. I accepted her offer and took a bite. It was very tasty and juicy. After taking a few more bites, I noticed that there was a green slime all over it. I began scratching it off and thought to look where she grabbed it from. It was next to a window AC unit and there was slime and mold all over the other jerky sticks.



Starting to get nervous, I searched google on my phone what would happen if you ate slime mold.

• You will experience extremely vivid lucid dreams.
• If more than a drop is ingested, you will die."

"Oh no" I thought as I start pacing around and as my vision begins to fade, I feel extremely tired and find a place to fall over. I hear my mom say something about needing to keep me awake so I don't die.
Everything is black and I can sense my body free floating in the void. "I ate a lot more than one drop, I guess this is the end of me." I accepted my fate.

"Wait, that was a dream, I didn't eat any mold." glad to be alive I began flying upward into the void, seeing different images of worlds and places as I flew. What solidified was a world where the ground, walls, and sky were made up of an enormous blanket.



"Time to skydive teleport"
*This is a task I made up where I look at an object on the ground that has similar color to a place I want to teleport to. I dive into it and imagine that I'm actually skydiving into the place I want to go to.*

I see a tan rectangle in the blanket and attempt to visit a desert, instead of shrinking down and skydiving like I wanted, I'm just moving downward, and the blanket is being pushed down with me. I start swinging my arms around feeling the blanket as I look up and attempt to speak to my subconscious mind. "You and me are going to have a lot of fun together!" I began flying back up. "Could you create a dream character that represents you?" I plead. "Okay." A very quiet and meek sounding voice responded. "Did you agree to do it?" Not sure if I actually heard anything or not. "Yes!" it responded a bit louder but just as meek. I look around and see a huge muscular black guy. He starts rapping.
"Some people think they're all that, but they only good in the hood."

I lose lucidity at some point listening to him. I can't remember the rest of the rap, it was very good though. It had to do with people who think they're really good because the people around them are bad.
I wake up.

Note: first long DILD

I woke up one morning in my room to my mom informing me that I have one minute left to live. Once the shock wore off I learned it was because I had both liver disease and liver cancer. I said goodbye to my crush/longtime friend and we had a touching moment over the phone and I thought about how I must have been destined to be one of those trans kids who dies young. The whole time spent in the dream felt lofty and half conscious as I was prepared to legitimately take a pre-death selfie and post it on my story. I started to think about meeting Lucifer in the afterlife as my fingers went cold and I commented to myself about how I guess my senses were going one at a time.

I'm lying in bed, because I'm sick again. My parents had gone out for a walk in the woods or something like that, I feel like they've been out all day. When my dad gets home he comes into my room and sits on the edge of my bed.

He tells me that my mum is dead. She fell down in the woods and died. I think of my mum falling onto a pile of sticks, breaking her leg. He tells me that the funeral has already been held.

I can't believe this. I ask him how he could have held a funeral without me - in one afternoon? I protest that I wanted to see her one more time but my dad himself has a distraught look on his face. I think that maybe he couldn't bear to wait. I'm in shock but I feel tears sliding down the sides of my face, wetting my ears. 'How old was she?' I ask, '58? 59?' We share the feeling of her being too young without having to say anything.

"Try not to think of her body," my dad says. "It disappeared in the fire I burned her in... Think of her soul." I think of a flaming wooden funeral pyre.

Some time later, there are lots of people over at my house. I seem a lot younger here than I really am. The adults stand talking with my dad and they each drink a vial of liquid that is supposed to make them the opposite of drunk. Some kids climb up onto my bed and we discuss that drink, agreeing that it is evil. We drink something that makes us hyper before knocking us out.

The news hasn't really sunk in yet, but when I wake up the next morning while everyone is getting ready to leave, I look out of the window at the bright blue sky and it makes me wail and cry out. "I want my mum back!" I say it twice and my dad tries to comfort me, but he doesn't say anything.

I changed my mind about posting the lucid. I can't piece together the sequence of events and have literally been agonising over it for more than a month which has been causing me to slack off on practicing (trivial, I know). So I've decided to forget all about it. It wasn't even an interesting dream!

Went to bed around 11:30.

The Hallway Theater
I'm at my highschool between the P building and S building. It's snowing outside.
I'm running late to English class. I'm concerned that I will be reprimanded for reading Harry Potter for my assignment because I have already read it.
I reason that the choice is valid because my perspective will be different. I've gone through a lot of growth since the last time I've read it, political stance and puberty among those changes.
...
I'm in an upstairs hallway that resembles S building, but it is much more narrow.
Still running late to class.
Hilary Clinton, wearing a blue suit, is power-walking behind me.
I slow down and let her pass by, wanting to avoid an interaction.
This tactic succeeds and I reach a dark section of the hallway.
There are three rows of seats, split into two sections.
It's some kind of Hallway Theater.
My classmates are there so I sit down at the left section near the back.
My friend D and a girl run by and I hear them say something indicating they are running late.
"Ya'll need to get it together!" I say as they speed by.
I get some laughs from the class for this.
"Those are my best friends," I tell them, wanting to show I wasn't bullying random people.
A couple people I was friends with in highschool (underclassmen from my senior year combination rackets class) S and possibly J, look back at me.
I'm concerned that they are upset because I specified others as my 'best' friends, but they appear content.
...
We're still in the Hallway Theater, but now there are VR headsets hanging from the ceiling.
Classmates are putting them on so I do the same.
There is a floating UI option for lives, and I set it to zero. It applies to the entire class.
A pong game begins within a shared AR space, and somebody gets scored on.
That person dies.
Fear spreads and everyone starts taking the headsets off.
Not wanting to allow anyone else to be killed by game, one person is ordered to keep playing so that nobody else gets scored on.
...
Kris, Suzie, and Ralsei from Deltarune are in a VR-generated forest environment.
The trees are massive and reach to the heavens.
I'm playing this game as Kris. I think D and the girl may have been the other two.
We are exploring as a team, and trying to eliminate other players.
I set up an ambush and direct my team to sneak nearby.
I creep my neck past a branch we are standing on and see two tanks.
The tanks are the opposing players' avatars.
I spring into action, and appropriate battle music plays.
I transform into a woman in a military uniform wearing a beret and open fire on the tanks.
Recorded around 8:30AM on waking.

Public Restroom (lucid):

In a public restroom. Someone comes in doing something that I find annoying – snorting and spitting, or something. Maybe eating and chewing loudly. Anyway, he goes into the stall next to me. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get the door of my stall to shut properly, and having trouble doing so. I exit the stall, and as I go to wash my hands I see that the walls of the stalls are so short that you can see over them. This reminds me of something that I would dream about, and I also notice that it looks like a woman is in one of the stalls and there is in fact an elderly lady sitting on a toilet out in the open. This is also a dream sign. I look at my hand and count my fingers. There are 7. Finally, I’m lucid! “I’m lucid!” I say to myself. The dream starts to fade a little, but then comes back. I remember my 3-step task. The first step is to stabilize. “Stabilize for points!” I say to myself a time or two. I feel a wall to help me stabilize. Now on to the second task, which is to try to summon the AI dream assistant OASys. I call out for OASys a couple of times, and head for the door of the restroom. I feel a bit apprehensive about opening the door, as I seem to have had trouble with leaving rooms this way in the past. Indeed, as I try to open the door, I lose the dream.

Book Poker

In some kind of fancy building. Doing something with cards – I think playing a game of poker with myself. I pretend that there is another person with me. I get what I think is a winning hand, and my opponent owes me $1800. But then we see his cards, and he has a set of cards with pictures of some kind of leather-bound books. This means that I owe him some large amount of money.

Apple Baseball

I am in a small group of people playing baseball (or maybe just catch) with apples. I keep missing when the apple is thrown at me, although I do fine catching the apple when we aren’t actually playing. A whole bunch of people show up and I get separated from the group I was playing with. I make my way back to them. Meanwhile, I notice one person throwing an apple at someone else’s head.

Not Too Funny Bunny

There is some kind of show going on. A woman is doing something with toy rabbits, placing one animal on top of another. She is trying to be funny, but she isn’t really. People in the audience chuckle a little bit, but there isn’t a lot of laughter.

Wool Socks and Family Vacation Discussion

Talking with my niece. She is wearing thick wool socks, which means something (I forget what). I put on a pair of thick wool socks also. She points this out. Then there is some discussion about taking a family trip to Chicago. Mom says that isn’t going to happen, but it seems almost as though I have promised that there would be one.

Mom's Friend

Talking with Mom about one of her friends, who I thought was the pastor of a local church. It turns out that he was just there to fill in for the usual pastor. I try to remember who exactly it was, and Mom tells me that he has since died. This surprises me, because he wasn’t very old. Then she says that most of her friends from high school have died. This concerns me.

Office Neighbor Fragment

Someone is moving into the office next to me. My Uncle, I think.

This was a fun one to have while flying home...

Day-time Nap

Painless Crash
My flight back home is ending soon. Something is wrong.
I’m watching us land out the window and I’m seeing a lot of greenery.
The plane is making a bunch of mechanical and beeping sounds. Feeling some Light turbulence too.
We are approaching the ground very fast.
I see a large grey structure, a part of the building, approaching rapidly.
Somehow, it doesn't hit us.
But we keep going and eventually break into the building through some other way.
There is a lack of collision, but I can see the insides of the building structure breaking around us. I wake up.

Night-time Sleep

No recall...exhausted from traveling all day.

I'm on a vacation with my family. We are at a beach, but the sky is gray. There is a pool nearby the beach and it has multiple "floors" under the water. My sister tries to show me a deep dive area, but I can't hold my breath and I have to go up for air.

I'm cleaning my childhood house with my brother A. I'm annoyed because he keeps assigning me chores to do. At one point I had moved my bed mattress into the garage, but then had to carry it back because I misunderstood what he was asking for. We're outside now, on the east side of the house. I'm playing some game with my brother. Maybe we are doing more chores. The grass is super green, like the way it looks in old pictures. A fighter jet flies very close over us. It does a cool flip trick and I give it a salute. The fighter jet drops two bombs down near us. They sit there a second before exploding. It doesn't hurt, but I feel the heat rapidly go up. I say "I love you, S" and then die.

I slept in an uncomfortable position with my head between my pillows and bad a collection of short, strange dreams.

• I was working different audiovisual related jobs, such as operation a radio tower
• I was in a pop up bank in Utrecht Central Station, where a robbery started to happen and had people with rifles and RPGs shoot the place. I try to distract the robbers and make a run for it towards the exit, but suddenly wake up. I might've been shot and woke up or forced myself to wake up until realising that I was dreaming.
• Half asleep, half awake after waking up from that terrifying bank dream, I stare into the dark as my tired brain generates psychedelic visuals of a vibrantly coloured desert where I blow away the sand, and come across strange, colourful creatures
• I had my theatre school graduation, my family as well as the women that did my hair were there, one of my family members was playing GTA on their laptop and I've been told my classmates and school walked by during an inappropriate scene from the game

There were more, but I forgot what happened. A lot of capitalism-themed dreams, and I know exactly why :U Can't disclose yet but I'm happy about it

WTF

Had a dream where Jesus was telling me Jamie is going to die soon. His exact words. Ummm... Not sure if i believe it. (I can't vouch for my dreams being 100% prophetic, just sometimes strange real life coincidences with them). Since i haven't heard from her in so long, and we don't have any mutual friends, if such an event took place I would likely never know of it. It's already like she died in a way to me, I suppose... It seems like she wouldn't lift a finger to reach out even in the event of imminent death anyway. So, besides having and posting these dreams (A well that has already pretty much dried up.) there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Visit from beyond

My Cousin Kiah, Who had a seizure and drowned not 10 feet away from where I was sleeping, while she was detoxing from fentanyl addiction. Saw me in a dream in some house and run up to me, started talking to me. I started freaking out and screaming in fear as she's supposed to be dead. She looked really offended by that. Wow.


Crazy flashes

(note this may or may not be related to the Jesus prophecy dream) I was a girl or woman. It was really dark, I was with someone who was also injured, We are freezing to death maybe outside or in a place with no heating. Something burns out. I say, or the other woman says, "OH NO!!! IT's Burned out!!!." we both start sobbing because it means death for us. Flashes forward we are both trying to run somewhere to safety but we are fading fast.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

At my grandmother's in Moita with my cousin Cris. I look through a window on the back and the garden outside is really green and lush but something awful is happening. Some black woman is on the ground trying to ressuscitate her baby girl who is lying inanimate on the grass. Then some man approaches and tries to help but the baby isn't responding. At first I don't feel like I can help and I just watch them doing CPR and hoping for the best. The baby wakes up and stabilizes for a while. They put her on a carrier and she soon passes out again and stops breathing. They do CPR again and again but the baby keeps stop breathing. I decide to jump outside and try to help. I examine the baby and I think I know what's up. I reanimate her and don't put her on the carrier, instead put her against my shoulder and walk around until she burps and barfs and expels a lot of bile that was continuously coming up and blocking her breath. She then stabilizes and I tell the mother the baby suffers from really bad reflux and needs to be checked out but will live if treated.

28th of March 2022

(I may add some notes at one point, especially if I draw the monument)

6:00 or 7:00
Fragment:

I am my alter ego but my dorsal scales are pointier, like my character N. I'm at some kind of fair or public event. Eventually after a bit of walking around, I come to a wooden bench, where mom and dad are sitting. They each move over to a side and as they sort of part, this dwarf man is revealed to be sitting there too. He has a miserable look. My parents don't even acknowledge that he's there at all. I do at first and try to sit next to him and between my parents. There's some dialogue, but recall was lost.

Unknown Time
Fragment:

In space, sort of game-ish and like Sins of a Solar Empire and Stellaris, in that you have starlanes for travel between stars (haven't played either in a while but think about it on and off when I see them on the library). I'm travelling with someone else, we're each on our own ships. As we travel and spend a bit of time wandering in a star system, the star suddenly starts to go nova. So I tell the other person we need to warp out of here now, and we head to the edge of the system, getting out just in time and travelling across nearby stars and seeing the explosion from this point. (Scale is similar to Sins)

Some other bit where I'm planning a star fortress load-out, Stellaris UI. And some other bit about managing something in a star system, possibly in sequence with the planning.

8:00 and onwards (order jumbled)
Fragment:

Climbing some eroded stone stairs. Some kind of natural or carved out limestone rock. Feels underground. As I go up the stairs, I leave behind random things, like statuettes of animals. There's also some animal following me? I don't feel attached to it however; it may be a bird. I remember an opening through which I can see a vast darkness but also underground "cliffs" and ravines. Maybe streaming water. The limestone has a beautiful creamy colour.

Fragment:

(Generally darker dream, both in lighting and mood) Dream streets, lots of people. Parts of the dream repeat themselves or I return to certain areas. The streets have shops, and there's a Japanese/neon-heavy feel. Something has a feel to it like Cybermancy.

Some plot line about a group of people who are uploading themselves into a thing or collective. I am not especially interested or anything but I help them in some way and when they start getting persecuted by some assassins or something, I use a rifle, struggling on with it for a bit, until I realise I'm "missing a skill point" for it, which I then quickly put a point it. I aim at one of the assassin at point blank, as he aims at someone else with a firearm of his own. I shoot him in the head and he dies instantly. Then, twin female assassins (though not human) standing a few feet away and moving; I spot them and aim for the head, but miss my shot, hitting her in the back or chest, but she's not really harmed by the shot.

She comes after me now and I apologise for not killing her with a single shot. I kneel, and expectantly wait for her to kill me. Something very Japanese in feel about this last bit.

After I die, I think I return to a previous point in the dream and do other things, or differently.

(recall gap?)

Then, some place like L. I'm near a monument of some sort, in a large square, which in the dream I "know" about; there's a road around the monument? It's sort of rounded itself, but not at the front where the road is. It's clear and sunny and I think I'm with someone else at first, maybe family.

The monument itself is a dream generated thing and the square reminds me more of France in some respects, although it definitely has the feel of L. I think there's an obelisk further away in the middle of the square. (I should draw this before I completely lose what little recall is left)

Near the front of the monument and at head level, there's a wide gap that's not got much height to it, maybe two feet high in opening. Through it, I see some sunlight but mostly darkness, and this underplace seems to be full of dark earthy dirt and corpses, mostly skeletal I think, though I can't recall their state exactly.

Then, as I circle around to the next corner, I climb some stairs. Up here, it's a relatively flat area which is a narrow-ish U shape. There are many stone benches, which are just part of the overall structure. Lavish and floral motifs, general renaissance or art nouveau aesthetics. The stone benches have fairly fancy cushions on them, of different and saturated-ish colours. People are touring and lazing about as in mostly any capitol-city style of a place. I head for a free seat at the bend/corner. The dream ends here, I feel just as something was about to happen.

Edit: Somehow I had recorded the wrong date for this dream, corrected this now.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

I am leaving Soraia at some junkyard temporarily for some reason and I don't want her to follow me, which is hard because the gate doesn't perfectly close, it has gaps and she manages to escape through it. So she follow me. I pick her up again and hand her over to the junkyard guy. Then I go to a class at the university. I sit at a desk with some other girl I know and she offers me a bag of meat for my dogs, which I start shredding with my hands hile the teacher talks in the background. Some people see it and make some remarks about it. Not so much for doing it in the class, but how can I be doing that if I am vegan? Then I spot Soraia going around the room looking for me - she escaped again - and I select a portion of meat to offer her. I bend down closer to the ground and call for her to come, which she does and I give her some meat.
The room is now an ampitheathre outside in some old archeological ruins. On each side of the amphitheatre there is a corridor sided by stone walls ending and both ending in an area with large steps or small platforms where we can also sit. I followed Soraia here. I see a nice stone that I think would be great to take home and put under the leg of a table that is unstable, so I pick it up. Then I see a shadow and hear a noise and look up and there is some sort of catapult that I accidentally triggered by removing that stone. First I am afraid to be squashed but then I notice the catapult's arm is long and will actually hit the people sitting in the amphitheatre. I yell and warn them and they see it. But they are packed together and I don't know if they manage to escape. As I come closer, I stumble on people leaving the place, some that I know and I ask them if everyone is ok. They say no. Two guys were instantly killed and a 3rd person died soon after plus many are injured. I panic. No one seems to know it was my fault and I am torn apart. The right thing to do is to turn myself in before they find out, on the other hand I feel I can't admit guilt right now or I'll be killed by the mob. Don't know whom to talk too. I join them mourning and trying to figure if there is any way anyone will find out it was me. I look for security cameras and there is one in the distance pointed at the corridor. Probably hard to tell that it is me in the video, but if they identify me, and probably will, i'll be suspect number one. So I better tell. Then there is some kind of gathering in an indoor auditorium to countinue mourning and honouring the dead and I stay way in the back just trying to figure out what they are saying about it. Seems like no one is pointing to culprits and assume it was a freak accident, so now I have doubts if I should come forward. I am torn apart and I also cry for the victims. Either way, I now carry the feeling of guilt for killing people accidentaly and it feels absolutely horrible.