non-lucid

A set of recurring bear dreams.


Mid October, 2017

I was in a variation on my aunt F and uncle C's house where a party was being held. There were so many strange and quirky characters there that it felt more like an indoor carnival. In one room I met a woman who was the caretaker of a semi-trained bear. People took turns meeting the bear, warily, before leaving, fully amused by their encounter. It was a black bear, small as bears go but still large enough to do some serious damage if it wanted to. It followed me around in particular and it kept resting its head in my lap every time I sat down. Each time I would feel a little on edge despite its outward displays of affection. I was worried about making the wrong move and setting off its wilder instincts. After the fourth or fifth time I started to even feel annoyed, not wanting to have to stay on my toes all the time. The caretaker woman seemed to sense my annoyance and she came up to me saying, “It is a great honor to be chosen by a bear.” I wandered out of the room, thoughtful, but not entirely convinced.

***

Thursday Night, 11/7/19

See "The Jaguar Woman" entry.

***

Tuesday Night, 6/30/20

I was someone else, a man in his 40's I think, outside at the edge of a forest as dusk was approaching. I morphed to resemble my waking self. I began climbing a large arbor for some reason, treating it like a jungle gym. While I was up there, I discovered a baby elephant hanging from its trunk in the arbor I was climbing. I stared at it for a while, confused by how it got up there. It changed into a bear cub. Das showed up. He thought the baby bear was cute and wanted to pet it indefinitely. I began to think about the implications, however, and I started looking around nervously for the mother. It appeared to be alone out here, but I was still wary.

"We shouldn't have put our scent on the cub." I told Das, "The mother will smell us and get angry if she's around."

Das shrugged. "I'm not worried. Look! He wants pets!"

I sighed and edged my way down the arbor. "Come on." I said, trying not to be too loud, "It's almost night time, we need to leave the forest now if we want to get clear of wherever the mother bear is at." I started creeping quietly away from the arbor and towards a sparser area of trees.

Das shrugged again but reluctantly stopped petting the cub and trailed along behind me.

I started to hear sounds in the bushes and a low rumble, and I realized the mother bear had arrived. For a moment I picked up the pace but continued to try to be as quiet as possible, hoping we might somehow get away before it finished locking onto our location. I searched my mind for what to do in case of a bear attack, and I remembered to play dead. The mother bear showed herself, blocking our path. I realized we weren't going to make it. The bear roared angrily and charged at us, knocking down Das first. Then she ripped into me (which didn't hurt as much as one would expect) and I got to see my intestines, right before my right eye was detached from its retina and everything went dark. I woke up. "Damn it Das..." I said out loud.

***

Thursday Night, 11/5/20

I'm talking with my parents outside on the deck when an adolescent black bear wanders into our back yard and we notice it has an abscess on the right side of its head. My mom wants to go over to it and treat it. I'm also worried about the bear's health, but I do not think it's a good idea to go up to it like that. I suggest maybe calling a wildlife center instead. "I have some leftover antibiotic ointment from when the cats were sick, I'll go get it!" My mom says and goes back into the house. My dad laughs at us and goes back inside to the other side of the house.

I follow my mom and try to get her to reconsider, but she doesn't listen to me. "Well, here it goes!" She starts heading back outside with the ointment.

"Mom, no!"

My mom jumps a little, startled. "Ah, you scared me!"

"You should be scared, it's a bear!" I look away for a moment, wondering about the wildlife center idea again, but when I look back I see that my mom is way out in the yard heading towards the bear.

For whatever reason I decide I have no choice but to do things my mom's way now. The least I can do is try to mitigate the danger so she doesn't get attacked... But this is probably a bad move. I head outside and my mom is scaring the bear towards the fence and towards me. I'm worried it will feel cornered. I backtrack a little and grab a bag of cat treats as it's the only thing I can get to quickly. I manage to get the bear's attention with the food, tossing a handful of treats on the ground in front of it to distract it. My mom comes up behind the bear with the ointment. The bear finishes the treats very quickly so I keep having to scramble to get handful after handful ready. I'm worried about the gaps of time where the bear might get aggressive. "When I say stop, stop until I can get more treats." I tell my mom, convinced the bear needs to be distracted with the process eating to not notice her. It's a dubious plan to begin with but I'm clinging to it.

My mom is applying the ointment to the bear, but I'm struggling to get the next set of treats out of the bag. The bear is slowly starting to look up. "Stop." I say. My mom does not stop. The bear looks directly at me with dark black eyes. "Stop, stop." I say again. Still no response from my mom. I imagine I can see impatience developing in the bear's expression, although it's hard to tell. "STOP!" I'm trying not to be too loud, but I'm starting to panic. I finally get the last of the treats out of the bag and toss them on the ground.

"Done!" My mom exclaims cheerfully.

"Mom, get inside, quick." I say anxiously. I make sure she makes it inside while the bear's still eating, then I go in myself and close the screen door first. Why am I bothering to close the screen door first? It's not going to stop a bear and I'm wasting time... I think and close the sliding glass door as quickly as I can. I can see the bear standing in the yard, eyeing the bag in my hand as if annoyed there are no more freebies.

***

Monday Night, 11/23/20

I'm in a building I don't recognize. My dad is there and says something very mean to me, although I can't remember exactly what it was or why it happened. Rather than feeling hurt or scared, I suddenly feel a deep anger come up as the full implication of the words sink in. "I am not stupid." I yell powerfully. My dad disappears but I yell it again. It seems to be irrelevant that no one is around anymore. I can see out a window onto the unfamiliar street outside. It's night time and raining a little. I still feel the anger, like a raw energy. I open my mouth and a bear's roar comes out, a guttural rumbling. I stop, confused at the ability to make such a sound and feeling self conscious, thinking people will think I'm weak for being too emotional and sounding ridiculous. Then I decide I don't care, even if anyone was around to hear. Twice more, I let out the bear's roar which resolves into a more human sounding scream. The dream fades.

11/27/20

I am with mark weins
He is a swinger with some norwegians
He wears pink lace underwear

2069
I am on a layover in texas, Ben asks if we can hang out before my next flight, I agree.
He picks me up and we drive back to his parents house without notice.
When we get to his house he gives me a small black electronic device I do not recognize. It kind of looks like a small digital camera with a display on the back and buttons on top but I don't know how to turn it on.

The house is incredibly large with hundreds of rooms and a grand foyer which has been extensively decorated for Christmas. Multiple floors overlook the entrance room with many hallways coming from various directions. It is reminiscent of the house from Home Alone only it is cartoonishly large.

I gather that this is mostly Ben's family and extended family. Only there are almost a hundred people scattered about running their own unique intentions saying goodbyes and everyone seems to be in a hurry. I gather that the adults are dropping off their kids of various ages and they are all going on some adult outing together.

I do not recognize anyone, everyone is quite comfortable and I get the impression this is a yearly occurrence for everyone involved. The kids all form their own little friendship groups as if they were being dropped at summer camp. No one recognizes me and I don't even see his parents anywhere.

I was traveling and forgot what time I needed to be back at the airport. I do not have my ticket but remember I had a picture of it on my phone. Looking at the time I realized my layover was only 45 minutes and I have been in this house much longer than that. I was somewhat anxious but am now resigned to the realization I have missed my flight and now am only looking for Ben.

Walking up stairs and checking hallways I decide to start walking into rooms, they are all different shapes with different groups of people in them having their own little social gatherings. I lean against a large papasan chair that has a smooth leather jacket hanging on the side. As soon as I do a smug looking short haired blonde teenager appears and immediately starts chastising me for wrinkling his perfectly smooth leather jacket. He points to me as I am wearing my members only jacket and insults me saying I wouldn't care because I'm already wearing a wrinkled leather jacket. I'm inclined to agree. I move along.

I understand that there are going to be 50+ people all staying in this house in various rooms scattered all about. Only the adults were leaving one by one couple by couple out the grand entrance, assuming they are all congregating in front of the house for their adventure. I do not know where they are going but they are all excited to leave their kids and the kids are apathetic/happy to be with their friends.

I cannot find Ben anywhere, like no where no where. Always new rooms new couches new arrangements of kids of all ages 18-5 having their own little gatherings scattered about. I wander around for almost an hour looking for him to no avail.

Things are starting to not make sense as I don't recognize technology or even the styles of most people. It occurs to me I may be out of my time. I ask some kids what year it is and they are just laughing at me thinking I am kidding. That there is no way someone doesn't know what year it is at Christmas time. Finally someone says it's the year 2069. I am somewhat flabbergasted. I have no idea how I have slipped out of my time again. But I am welcome to the adventure.

There are still some adults here and there saying goodbye to their kids. I notice a somewhat concerned couple saying goodbye to their children and assuring each other that everything will be fine and they will be back in no time. They are dressed somewhat bohemian and I feel a comradery with their style. Most of the parents are ritzy and done up like they are at a formal Christmas party, like upper class glitzy styles and too many conflicting expensive perfumes.

I see an older gentleman come out of a door to the grande entrance and I think at first it is Ben's father. Only his face looks like Caesar. I extend my hand and tell him it's good to see him again and it's been too long. He doesn't know who I am but shakes my hand anyway. I wonder if my hand is dry or sweaty from the hurried walking around this expansive house.

I finally see Ben up some stairs walking a girl with mocha skin up more stairs and to his loft getaway. I gather he has been avoiding everyone and I am somewhat frustrated I have missed my flight and have been wandering around for the better part of an hour in another time, confused as hell. His loft has a large balcony overlooking the city below. It is a cartoonishly large futuristic and detailed city, with purples and greens and blues and yellow hues to the buildings. I now definitely know I am out of my time.

I am standing on the rail looking out to the view just taking it all in when he approaches me to my side and stands by the rail next to me. He asks if I've ever seen anything like it before. I say yes, it's exactly like the city I saw in my dreams a couple nights ago. He is taken aback but not entirely surprised. There is a girl sitting on cushions behind us who is the girl he was leading up here. She is confused at our conversation. I remember that he left me in the beginning so I start into some great tirade exclaiming my frustration with him. I take off my jacket and I have no clothes on underneath. I have no shame but I am yelling at him that I have been lost, and out of place, and I have no clothes, and I missed my flight, and I have no idea how I got to 2069. The girl with him is bashful at my appearance and several people walk by gawking while I am going on my monologue. I am unphased in noticing them as I am always comfortable nude. He assures me he can get me to Denver quickly. I look off the balcony, there are multi hot air balloons in various shapes and colours, I joking say Oh you're gonna fly us there in a balloon!? He smiles knowingly and responds that if I had left with his dad we could fly the blimp.
'Noah?' I hear, and I am awake.

Yesterday I went from waking to a dream in just some seconds. Or I went from a dream to another dream. I don't know. I tested out the exact same thing this night and it worked again!

I wake up in the middle of the night and do my RC (pinch my nose and try to breath). I think it doesn't work at first but suddenly I am in a big yellow courtroom with a woman judge that is slamming her hammer against the table. The last time I did this transition it was very unstable and I feel that this dream is also unstable. I look at my hands and they look really real. No extra fingers and no distortions. I am in the front desk that is about to be interrogated. I walk up and fly out of the window. There is a big city outside that reminds me of Karlskrona a lot. I see my hands as I fly and it doesn't look this real in my normal dreams. I am happy because I feel the wind against my face and my hair swining backwards as I fly. I fly up and down some times just to feel the wind. I fly up and hesitate but end up doing a loop in the air with a 360 spin to it. I feel alive and happy. Without thinking about it I stretch out only my right hand in front of me and I am able to fly really really fast when I do it. I use both of my hands and it doesn't go as fast. I think to myself that I might be able to reach space with this speed. I start to fly up to the sky with one hand in front of me like Superman but as all references to which height I am flying at disappear I can't fly anymore. I try to find a star that I can focus on but it is too far away I think to myself. I fly against the city and see a lot of people. I think about dancing and suddenly I fly into a big empty room. I think that I will be able to see dancers here but I can't see anything. I look around and find a secret door in the wall. I open it up and see two pretty fat ladies dancing. I inspect them but walk out again. There is another secret door in the empty room. I enter it and see two really good looking ladies dancing, the dream becomes unstable and I wake up.

Notes: Wohooo! This flying was so trustworthy and it was so blissful, calm and refreshing. I really wonder if it was a dream from the beginning or if I actually went directly from being awake to a full scale dream. It almost feels too good to be true.

I'm in church and two guys walk in through a door. I think to myself that they might tickle me and they change appearance as I think so. They become taller and now have black hair. I quickly try to wake myself up but I can't. I am somehow able to escape and run to the cars. I take their car and escape. It's a pretty old car and it doesn't go that fast. I see a fast cool car and walk to it to drive it. I am semi lucid here because I thought it was okay to take the car because it's only a dream. Just as I am about to enter the car another man takes it and drives away.

Notes: The tickling is awful. I hate it so much.

Dad is driving us to a training center. There is a man that welcomes us and we see a picture of a big training center. We enter and it almost looks like the picture. We jump around and enjoy ourselves.

Notes: I read about the biggest training center in Sweden yesterday.

I'm with Pia and Monica. We start to fly and we each have a kite tied to our backs. It gives a different but non the less fun flying experience. Whe you fly upwards the kite drags you backwards and wants you to loop. The same is when you fly down. I experiment with the feeling and go up and down. We see a star and Monica says that India is there. We fly fast but Pia is slowing down and is tired. We leave her behind. As we fly it becomes day and night because we fly so fast (haha that would actually mean we went around the whole earth and already passed India). I ask Monica how many days and nights we have to pass before we come to India. The whole sky is filled with lightning clouds that are grey and agressive just 2 meter above us. Monica and I fly to the ground and crouch because we don't want to get hit by lightning. The lightning clouds are maybe 10 meters above us, really close to the ground.

Notes: What an interesting dream.

I'm with dad and Stefan. We are water scootering in a big lake.

I'm running from the bad guys. I run into a house and up on the second floor. I see some furniture that I can move away and hide behind. They come too fast so I hide behind a worse hiding place. Håkanssons come in and one of the small children spots me. I tell them that I need to hide and that they should go away. When they leave I hide behind the better furniture from before.

I'm in military training and everyone are acting casually but they are fit for battle. There are girls and boys that seem young there. I walk through a corridor to have some alone time. I come to the end of the corridor and see a toilet. One of the Kristianstad boys comes to me and invites me to hang out with them. New fragment. I'm with cousin Tobbe and we sit with some other people. They talk about weapons I think.

Notes: In the dream I felt like the military training was very hard and that I wasn't fit for it.

I wake up in the middle of the night and do a RC. I don't succeed at first but think to myself that I maybe can enter a dream if I keep on doing RC until I fall asleep. After maybe 5 seconds I am able to breath through my nose even tough I pinch it. I walk to the other room. I try to open the window but I can't. My vision is unstable and the dream disappears. I wake up in my bed again.

Notes: Maybe I was in a dream from the beginning or just entered a dream. I don't actually know. I have never read about a technique were you do like this so it would be intresting if I entered a dream. I've heard about the wake up to bed technique but I think you have to go up from bed and do some other activity first.

11/25/20

The laundry room was flooded, I was concerned about the clothes that were on the floor but there are too many so I resign that everything is wet again, the dream fades

Having trouble falling back asleep. I am suddenly somewhere else. In another room I do not recognize, it is afternoon. G is sitting on a futon looking at a stack of older pictures she has found, they are framed.

I lean in closer to see and there are nude photos of when she was younger in various poses, the largest frame is of two guys sitting down exposing their member, I gather these are ex boyfriends, she is giggly at the memories. I am furious. She doesn't understand why I am mad so I begin to throw the frames back at her face with force while shouting I don't want to see my best friends dick! She is bewildered and doesn't grasp my irateness.
I am back laying in bed.

What followed was quite confusing as I was phasing back and forth from my dream to my bed uncontrollably. I would be in bed and see the dimness and the low rumble of other people walking through the house, and back to that brightly lit room which was completely unrecognizable to me. While in the room the girl who was with me now looked identical to someone I used to work with. Only she knew me as someone else. I was confused every time telling her I didn't know where I was, I didn't know who she was, I've never been here before. She called me a different name and assumed I was joking or being sarcastic the entire time. The jump occurred 3 or 4 times before I was stabilized in the other place.

She was with one of her younger friends and I, recognizing her somewhat asked her name, she said Addison. This is not her name IWL, still unfamiliar with my location or how I got there. Everything felt too real and detailed to be a dream. I told her that her name was Breanna, she laughed and still thought I was joking, but I could see the concern start to appear on her face. Perhaps I was having some mental psychosis I felt her think. This is all just too real. I felt like it was wholly possible as I was in a place where nothing made sense to me but everyone around me was certain of me.

They were crawling out the second story window to sit on the roof to overlook the neighborhood as teenagers often do. I was tired of being confused and decided it was time for me to leave.

I told them I was leaving and though there was a slight protest they quickly faded from my immediacy. As I was leaving the house I now found myself in a heavily populated terminal of sorts. The clarity now fully hit me as everything was INCREDIBLY coloured and crisp in detail. Like a fine lifelike render from a video game. I could not believe my eyes. The room was large and decorated with a variety of screens and advertisements and swirling passing vehicles. It was a bustling metropolitan city center of sorts.

All the people around me had neon coloured garments and LED strip like accents, it truly felt like a cyberpunk setting only everything was clean and bright. I now noticed there were humanoid shapes as well. Perhaps they were robots, perhaps they were augmented humans I couldn't be sure. Everyone was relaxed and generally having a good time. Completely overcome by the detail of my surroundings I began to cry. It was beautiful, there was too much detail for me to focus on everything. I was awash in the emotion of finally being somewhere new, as if I always knew this was where I would end up. It was relief coupled with the bliss of newness. I felt the tears stream down my face as I smiled larger than I have in sometime.

I walked to a large walled window to my left which I knew to overlook the city and I can only describe it as planet coaster combined with Coruscant. Vast sprawling brightly coloured buildings with streamlined shapes and transit systems which resembled high-speed roller coasters. It was also overwhelming. There was too much to see, every window in the terminal had a similar vantage. I took a few deep breaths and continued to explore the terminal I was in.

I now noticed there were screens for people to buy different tickets for different rides or tours or locations I couldn't be sure. None of the writing looked familiar but I recognized a $ sign and numbers here and there. I was made aware that there was a public communal buying platform where people could list the tickets they had bought and opt to sell the ones they weren't going to use at a discounted rate to anyone else looking for the same destination. Nothing but smiles, it truly felt eutopia-like.

I ventured into a room off to the side with maybe a dozen full body wrapping chairs which would contour to your shape when you sat in them. They felt like a captains chair on a spaceship. We were all oriented generally facing a large screen in the corner of the room but could still see out the walkway to the grand terminal.

On my left arm pad where my hand comfortably rested there was a myriad of controls including a couple joysticks. Curious I began to click buttons and toggle the stick. On the large screen we were all looking at appears an overlay with games and information and I gather I am controlling a cursor on the screen. Concerned the display I pulled up accidentally was obscuring other people's experience I quickly looked around to apologise to those around me. No one batted an eye and continued tapping away at their own controls and all still watching the screen. It was then I realized that only I could see the display overlay I had pulled up because it was unique to this chair. And everyone else had their own display that they all saw on the same screen which I was unaware of. Impressed I continued to toggle and click but quickly gave up because I couldn't read any of the characters on the screen.

I began walking back through the terminal just taking in all of the details and colours. It was an amazing sight and felt so futuristic I was amazed no one noticed me out of place.

There were various humanoids intersparsed through the crowds of actual humans. I question a droid which I gather to be an informational hub of sorts. He explained this terminal is a dome of protection from the outside environment, all domes are connected with high-speed transit and entertainment junctions. There was more information conveyed but the details are lost to me. Other than the knowledge of some great existential threat. They were all hiding from a predatory extraterrestrial race which occasionally would land and take a batch of humans never to be seen again. It informed me of a breaking news of a landing occuring and authorities were being dispatched to quarantine the area.

I am fond of ETs so I decide I will follow this cue and attempt to make contact. I am now outside the dome in a sort of dark and foggy area, I see bright lights and a circular craft just beyond a large boulder in front of me to the left. As I round the large rock I glance up and am almost blinded by the lights. They shine in a sort of pulsating manner coming from the center. I hear a ruckus behind me and know these are the authorities coming to help/make things worse.

I am now in the craft surrounded by a brilliant white light, it is clean and only the corners are barely visible. I see a face in front of me which has undecipherable features. There is a metallic sheen to the lower half. It looks at me close with a tilted head as I begin on some monologue, the dream fades

Notes: I got some weird sensations where I was in between the dream realm and reality when I went to bed. It was like a movie but without color and I didn't actually see them. I think that I could enter a dream from there if I was more experienced.

I'm sleeping on the floor in a room. Mom and dad are also there.

I'm walking through a military barrack. On the other side there are some poles hanging in sideway that you can swing in. I start to do some pull ups and it is pretty tiring. I think I do about 5 and then I rest. A tall blonde guy about 20 years old comes. He runs a bit and start to spin around a pole that is really high up. He spins around for some time and do a perfect landing backwards. I try to do the same thing he did but someone runs in front of me so that I can't do it.

Notes: I got in contact with a boy yesterday that is going to do the military test with me.

11/23/20

I am with a group of people traveling, I am with an old friend who was my neighbor and we are following a van that a girl I know is driving. We follow down some dark roads and make a tricky turn into the highway, eventually we decide to stop at a motel for the night. I think we want to party but still kind of low key. As we are checking into the room I notice the adjoining room has like 15 african american young adults in it they are listening to somewhat loud music with an xbox on the TV and playing pool in the center of the room. I walk in the sliding glass door and they all stop to look at me, most of them aren't wearing shirts and I am also not wearing a shirt. I start introducing myself asking them what's up, they offer hands and I slap each of their hands going down the line saying what's up, nice to meet you, I'm Noah, what's up, what's up. They are fairly accepting and I see a kid I used to go to school with and say heey I haven't seen you in forever. I tell them he's an old friend and they are even more accepting now. I tell him we ordered some food and I would go get the pizza and come back. When I arrive back to my room there's just one girl and my other friends seem to have gone to sleep. I tell her the gist and she's down to go party with them. After I walk across the motel to pick up the food and come back I notice through sliding glass door adjoining the rooms that most all of the people are gone from the room and there's just a few older african american women sitting in the dark watching something on the tv. It is quiet and I have gathered they went to sleep. I go back to my room and tell my friend. We pull something up on the tv and get kind of tired. We lay for a while relaxing and may have dozed off for a few. I have the suspicion I may have checked the wrong room though I didn't hear anything from anywhere else. At some point I decide to walk into the next room over and it seems everyone had migrated there without me knowing. They are happy to see me again and my old friend asks me what happened, he thought I was just going to get pizza and coming back. I explained I had gone into the wrong room and assumed they had all gone to bed or left because it was quiet now. I know now it is early morning and they were just trying to be considerate. They are watching something on tv and I tell them I will be right back. I go back to my room and tell my friend of the err I have made. That they are all still over there. They just went to their other room and we are still invited. I now have a cooler to bring as well though I don't know exactly what's in it. My friend helps me carry it into the other dark room the old ladies are sleeping in, I set it on the floor next to a coffee table. I never make it back to the room with everyone else in it.

I am with my family in my childhood home, we are quickly leaving for a trip in a hurried fashion. We all load up in the camper and I gather we are going for some type of camping trip, I haven't really packed my bags or anything but there is great momentum and it almost felt like an emergency evacuation.

As we are driving I am still concerned about not having enough supplies or really any sort of preparedness for the trip. My cat is in the car but as we are turning I notice she somehow jumps out of the vehicle so I tell at my parents to stop the car. When I get out to retrieve her it is very muddy and I am surprised we can drive so effortlessly through the muck. I notice on the side of the road a super muddy truck with the owner no where to be seen. There are also a couple dogs that are fully submerged in the mud with only their sides showing. They feel like a stuck horse or elephant, I rush to free them from the weight of the mud and help them to their feet. They are winded but still living. I see the owner now who is also covered in mud but seems unconcerned both of his animals were almost dead in the mud. After resolving the situation I gather my cat and rejoin my parents in the camper and we resume our travels.

My father is driving and my mother is in the passenger seat. She is smiling and assures me they are taking me to some great surprise I will thoroughly enjoy. I ask if we are ever going back home because I don't have any clothes or supplies. My dad just cocks a sideways smile and glances at me from the corner of his eye. I guess we are moving. There are about a dozen strangers in the car now of varying ages all sitting along the edges like an indian overcrowded bus, I ask my parents about all of them and they ignore me. The situation now feels intense and almost post-apocalyptic in its hurry.

We arrive to a sort of drive-in theater which is super run down and very muddy with puddles all around. There are other families there with their campers and I gather this is where we will stay the night or at least a short time on our journey. There is a run down convenience store/shop in the center of the derelict lot.

As we are setting up the camper my pops was rushing the set up and not doing all of the steps out of over-confidence. There are braces which need to be lowered to the ground to provide stability to the camper so it doesn't rock back and forth while people step in and out. I ask if he is going to put them down and he brushes me off, insisting it is no problem and we don't really need to. The camper is rocking and swaying with every step and feels quite unstable. I tell him I will do it for him and he continues to give me excuses for why it isn't important. The ground is too muddy, it won't reach, the lug nut is rusted, it's stuck, don't worry about it. I get down and fasten the nut with a tool and hold a heavy hammer to dislodge the nut. He tries to show me how stuck it is by tapping gently while looking at me as to prove the fruitlessness of effort. I tell him to let me try and I swing a few times very swiftly and hear the crack of the nut as it loosens and the braces begin to drop. The ground is super muddy and the brace sinks a few inches but finds some stability and fixes to the ground. I stand and the camper is stable and no longer swaying.

The store in the center of the grounds is somewhat of a hellscape. It is super run down with hardly any supplies, broken glass everywhere, dim lights, and unidentified horrors attacking other people in the store. I don't know if I am attempting to shop or just get out, but it is night time. I am crawling on the ground and notice many shards of different colours as a crawl on top of them. Something is coming towards me but I can't identify it or it's intention. Events occur but I am unsure if the dream just collapsed or if it just transitioned to the next scene.

The big surprise is made known to me, my parents have signed me up for MasterChef. I am now on the set surrounded by other very well esteemed chefs and none other than Ramsey himself. I feel incredibly out of place but somewhat up for the challenge. All of the other participants are well to do accomplished chefs with restaurants of their own. Gordon sits me down and has a heart to heart talk with me. He informs me he knows about my lack of experience in the professional culinary scene and that my presence was by design. I am the only amateur chef participant in this season. He encourages me and assures me he will do everything in his power to assist me to 'catch up' with the other contestants. He believes in my skill and is hopeful I will shine through the challenges that will be encountered for the duration of the show. He is honest and non-patronizing. I am grateful for his sage advice and encouragement, though during his talk to me I am made aware the first challenge has already begun. We are being shown a table side service and plating of a specific dish with specific elements which all need to be executed in a very specific order to accomplish the desired aesthetic to the dish. I am glancing back and forth between Gordon and the table side service. Attempting to be as respectful as possible while also absorbing as many details of the dish and method I can focus on. It is a super-heated white ceramic oval plate which has just been pulled out of the broiler, small chunks of protein are placed and small sprigs of asparagus tossed between matchsticks of carrots scattered with small quartered pickled beets. They are left to quickly saute on the plate before a savoury créme anglaise which is more loose than normal is poured in the corner of the dish to slightly reduce on the plate to create the final consistency to accompany the dish, there are microgreens sprinkled around the edges. I have no idea how each element was prepared other than their shape and size and the harder I look the more blurry the dish becomes. Other chefs are standing around with their notepads asking questions and taking notes from the sous chef who is presenting the service. I think of questions regarding the temperature of the plate but second guess myself not wanting to appear plebeian. Gordon is done speaking to me, he shakes my hand and gets up from the table, and informs us we have one hour to complete the challenge.

11/22/20

I am at some kind of backyard party with tons of people in the pool. I have some kind of really long super elastic rubber tube I am stretching from some kind of a flag pole and slingshoting myself around in a circle. It is shooting me quite fast and twirling around in the air over people's heads. They all watch in kind of amazement but still not giving me too much attention while everyone still plays in the pool on float tubes and pool toys. At a certain point I am bobbing in the water amongst people looking for the tube again and no one really seems to notice me anymore.

I am in my neighborhood but not on my street. I am standing in front of someone's house I equate with one of my penpals from the Netherlands. They are cross with me so we aren't really talking anymore and I know that this is their familys house. I have a long rough cut wooden axe handle with a small viking style metal head on the end. It seems like an old weapon of sorts but it is hardly in working order, I gather it is very sharp and likely a garden tool of some kind. I begin swinging at deadwood/roots that are exposed on their front lawn. It is night time and no one is outside, so I chop up the wood into wood chips little by little basically dismantling the stump in their front yard. As I finish and begin to walk away form the pile of wood chips I have created I notice the metal blade has come off of the handle and is now sitting in the yard on top of the cuttings, I walk back and retake the blade and attempt to reattach it to the long handle. At a certain point I jump into an SUV in front of the house I know is not my car. I am attempting to park it from the passenger seat and struggle to stop the rolling of the car before it slightly hits a chain link fence by the street. I manage to stop the car with great effort and I feel like I am pulling the weight of the vehicle from the ground. As it stops I notice someone walking their small dog on a leash on the sidewalk close to the car, they have walked in front of the car as it was rolling and I attempt to assure them all is well and I had control of the rolling vehicle. I understand this is part of the family who owns the car so I embarrassingly put it in park and start to walk/jog across the street through a park and past some hills to my house. While attempting to run out of sight I understand they have found me out and are looking out of the window of their house to see me. As I am nearing my house there are large mansion type homes between my destination. I am on the roof of one of them which seems to be scattered with ponds/pools on the roof of the building. I jump up and notice all the homes around me have pools on them, but this one seems more like smooth concrete structure like a landscaped amusement park ponds.

I am inside of a large mansion type house with very tall ceilings. There are many rooms even though I notice only two people live here, a washed up 80's style blonde woman who still has dreams of being a rock star though she can hardly play the guitar anymore, and an LL Cool Jay type character I gather is her drug papi. They're both alright but Cool Jay is being investigated for drug running and I gather he is attempting to blame me for some large shipment of pills that has gone missing. While he is in another part of the house I hang out with blondy in the somewhat dingy smokey aired lounge room. There are a couple small bags of weed on the table and I motion towards them while asking her if I could have a small nug for the road. She is angry about it and says no, I gather they don't have a lot of money even though the house/possessions being incredibly expensive. Other things occur in the house though I am unsure about the series of events, I just know I have been in here for quite some time before I leave out the back. I am made aware Cool Jay has called the authorities and is out front trying to make a deal for himself to turn me in. After hastily saying goodbye to blondy I quickly exit the back and begin running back to the park to get back to my house, which should be visible from behind.

I am with my adopted brother and we are standing on the roof of one of the other houses looking up at the row of houses on my street from behind. I tell him we should be able to see my house from here and it is odd I don't recognize any of the backyards. They all seem dingy and weathered covered in moss/algae, and much smaller than the house I was just in. We continue on and I find myself a couple yards over from my house in the backyard. So I begin to jump a tall fence to get back, I gather in doing so I have exposed a sight line directly to the house of foreigners I was attempting to escape from earlier on. I wonder what it would look like from that distance away and if they really saw me jumping from backyard to backyard, do they know where I live now? I let myself in my backdoor which leads to the basement. It is like one large bathroom with two showers in it. My brother is getting cleaned up to go to work, I tell him I am going to shower in the other shower while he is. He's fine and we have smalltalk while showering in separate showers in the L shaped room so neither of us could see each other. The dream fades as I step under the water.

I am with G and she has one of her friends over to the house who looks like someone from my middle school, we go to leave and G is in the driver's seat of my car. She wants to show off but I know she doesn't drive manual that well. I tell her she is not driving and to get out so I can drive us there. I go back into the garage to get something and when I come back out the car is gone. I am upset and assume maybe she is just driving around the block to show off. The car arrives back and G is gone. I am now going to leave with my old friend to go to the place.

It is halloween and have arrived to a stranger's house who really feels like a younger military couple with a few kids. It's a smaller single story house that they have obviously decorated to look like a small kids haunted house. People are walking through and I am with my old middle school friend. She is more attractive than I remember and looks like a mix of one of my ex girlfriends now. We go our separate ways while walking through the house. It's not very scary but the lights are cool looking. I walk down a corridor which is in the back of a bedroom I gather not many people have found. Down the hallway there is a sheet over a closet. When I reach the closet a sort of spring loaded ghoul jumps out and does a loud screech. I am unphased but think it's rather interesting. I go back to a larger room where my friend is sitting on a couch and I beckon her to follow me. I lean against a wall while I direct her to go down the hallway with the ghoul in it. She does and screams when the trick activates. I giggle and we make our way back out of the house. It now seems like a Sunday afternoon and there are a few buff college students gathering their supplies for some kind of workout.

I am outside and things feel alien. I am unsure if I am wearing clothes but it doesn't matter, I am comfortable. There's pools of water mixed with a bog around and I am intrigued. Upon investigation I have a friend with me who I gather is much older now and also nude. We are prehistoric I think. Wading through the bog I notice a few nests of sorts that are scattered on a somewhat dry part/island, though it is still muddy. Looking closer I see the 'nests' consist of 6 or 7 large breaded and cooked flattened fried shrimp tails like you would find in a restaurant with a single red cooked lobster on the side. I still understand they are nests and am curious what could lay such shapes. As we investigate I notice a great many bubbles begin to form all around us. The mothers have woken up and they are massive 10 foot long oarfish. They are just below the surface of the water but they create many bubbles and ripples in the water as they swim towards us. I am unconcerned but am motivated to get off the island and wade through the water back to the dry land.

I am with the same older woman again but it is modern times. We are in a garage which feels like a garage sale of sorts. She has a large white van outside which I gather is her art studio and full of her paintings. As we browse through the garage nothing really catches my eye, it begins to look like my food dry stock in my actual garage IRL. Walking outside I notice a dark fly buzzing about. It lands and I swipe my hand fast to catch it. I feel it buzzing in my hand. I go to throw it away and the woman chastised me telling me absolutely do not let it get into her van, which is now in the front yard with it's side door open. She slides the door closed and I walk behind some tall hedges in front of the porch and throw the fly behind them.

I'm in a big room looking like a library with two other people. They are decrypting some evil books. They try to open a gate of some sort. They find some notes that teach them how to do some kind of spell. I already know it is avada kedavra but it's like I'm more of a spectator to the dream. One of them do the avada kedavra spell against a shelf but fails. I think to myself that it is because he doesn't hate enoughly to do the evil spell. Voldemort teleports into the room and kills the person who tried to do the evil spell with his own avada kedavra. He does some kind of magic and the books in the shelves become green and red and change positions with each other. I know that he is doing some kind of clue to us that we are supposed to figure out. I think to myself that we don't need to solve his riddle. It would take a very long time judging how many books he swapped positions on. He teleports away and the "good persons" come in just to see him vanish.

I'm defending against zombies with some other humans. We don't take it seriously and some people get bitten while everyone just kinda laughs at it. They who are bitten doesn't care either. We reach a shelter with other humans. I try to lay comfortable at some pillows but another person pushes me away and takes my seat.

I'm in a big basketball room. I'm a member of a team and we are just about to play. My team consists of some nerdy characters and the other team has some good looking sportsmen. I look at some of my teammates who have some special characters. One of them can only focus on the ball so he doesn't hear while another teammates run next to him and scream "pass the ball!" with some kind of panic in the voice caused by his disorder. He has to focus on the ball because he is really bad at bouncing and he almost drops it even though no one disturbs him. He tries to jump up and dunk the ball into goal. He has the right height but goes to the left and misses. The one who screamd "pass the ball!" is kind of disappointed but still impressed by the jump. I'm now actively in the dream and am able to bounce the ball on my own. I try to pass my teammates but the ball always flies of to the right or left so someone from the enemy team takes it instead. Their team is about to throw out the ball and I am pushing a smaller blonde a little bit with my shoulder. He becomes really disturbed and even though he is small he is able to push me away effectively. No one of us gets the ball. Suddenly the basketball is two big lego pieces in a plastic bag. I hold in the bag and am about to shoot it away. I try to do it over my head like a basketball throw but because of the wind friction it just drops to the ground really fast. The other team throws the ball with all their power and I think that it is cheating. When I see my team throwing the "ball" too I join them. I'm able to run next to their hoop and try to make a goal. I throw it but miss. I'm about to throw out the "ball" but nets are being rolled down in the middle of the plan. I see Magnus (math teacher) walking against me as if he was the one who ordered the nets to be rolled down. I walk away and meet a small woman that starts to talk to me. Filippa comes and interrupts her mid scentence and I tell her to be quiet so that the other girl can finish what she would say. After she is finished Filippa tells me that she has to go away because of some kind of friendly party. She hugs me and I hug her back. As she walks away the other girl also hugs me and we say good bye.

Notes: When I play sports in my dreams I always suck. I can't kick or shoot the ball without it doing some kind of weird detour.

20th November 2020

Fragment:

In a place like a restaurant or something. Someone was talking to me and they were telling me how "mussels are the tastiest thing there is" or something. I remember thinking of, or seeing some clams and thinking that besides the meat within, there would be pearls of value or something.

---

Notes:

- I remembered this fragment much later in the day while in a church. A stained glass I was looking towards for a while had pearls as a small detail in places and this triggered some vague visual recall of the dream.

- I remember after the dream and also after recalling this fragment, I did feel some sort of craving for the food in question; there was some sort of taste in the dream, it was meaty but I can't recall any more detail than that. I have never found this type food appealing before, but I have been curious about it, having possibly thought about it again recently.
-- My family, and most people where I'm from, do enjoy this type of food, but I have never wanted to taste it. Part of me thinks it can't be that different from snails and so I wonder now about similarities.

- It's possible that in the dream I thought about the pearls being a metaphor of some sort; when the recall came to me, this was my first feeling about them. I don't remember the pearls visually. Later on in the day I had disassociated thoughts about how it might be possible to modify the clams to create different pearls, or objects.

- Can't recall my reaction to being told that mussels are supposedly so tasty.

I'm semi lucid and know that I am a woman. I'm in a grey room. There is another girl in the room next to me. I want to get some massage but the dream becomes unstable. I get a FA and sleep in my dream.

I'm at home but everything is not alright. There is a big monster in the jacuzzi. The monster is like a big pile of slime but more structure and an outer layer of skin too. There is a body part that is going out and there is a big eye on it. There is slime leaking next to the eye. The monster's gang is called the spider gang. The monster is having upsight over us so we don't take the secret thing on the upper floor. Me and dad are going to take it anyways. Dad gives me a key that is able to unlock the door to the next floor. I try to but the key hole is very deep so I have to put the key in to it's maximum length. It doesn't work at first because it is reverted too. After I have turned the key to the other way it works. I look on the jacuzzi and notice that the monster is aware what I am doing. I quickly walk to the lower floor instead. I talk with dad and he says that there are other openings with a voice that tells me that we are being eavesdropped by the monster and he looks in the direction of the windows on the lower floor. I try to climb out through the first window but he says that he meant another one. I walk to the window next to the kitchen and open it. There are many details and a vase that I have to move before I am able to enter. I climb on the gutter and reach the roof. I keep on climbing on the roof until I reach the front of the house. There is a ladder and the roof is getting unstable. Dad, who is already inside tells me to jump to the ladder. There are some tense moments where I don't think that I am going to make it. Everything I grab is unstable. I grab the ladder and it starts to move in another direction. I grab the roof on the other side of the house and I am able to drag myself up. New fragment. Dad and I am running from an angry mob. I think Rick (from Rick and Morty) is the leader of the mob. New fragment. There is a spider and a fly on a wall. Dad says that the spider is tougher than the fly. He pinches the spider and squishes it. He puts back the broken spider on the fly. The spider is given life again, or it was never dead and hunts the fly as it runs away.

Notes: That was eventful. I watched a video of a spider eating a fly some days ago.

I'm driving car with William from middle school. I know that he is annoying but I think to myself that if I am nice to him we can be friends. We go faster than the allowed speed. William tells how I drive wrong when I make a mistake on the road. I have to put my hand on the road in order to increase the friction so that I don't go off in the sharp curves (I don't know how I was able to do that in a car). William and I come to some kind of park where families are. Another friend of William is there and we talk with him.

Notes: I don't think I have ever dreamt about this William. Some days ago I talked about him with mom.

I'm in a barn with hay, other humans and dogs in it. I go down on my knees and cuddle with a golden retriever. It is trying to use me as a height so it can jump over the obstacle that is holding it in the barn. I go away to the other dogs and cuddle with them instead.

Notes: Dogs have been a theme in my last dreams.

Notes: I've been doing more RCs in the past days which has led to more lucids.

I'm at Håkansson's and I'm talking with Therese in a room I've never been at before. My cousins are also there. We walk up to the room where David sleeps and I have painted an abstract picture of two faces. It's hard to see one face at first. When you find the first face you can see the next face upside down under the first face. It's all done with lead pencils and it creates a monotonic plain surface. The eyes on the first face are like the windows on a submarine. Therese accuses me of having done evil things to my mom and I know that I have done them and I feel guilty.

Notes: When I woke up I remembered that I never did the things I got accused of doing.

I'm home with Eni and dad. I notice it's a dream. I fly by the house for some time and I have good control. I fly to the left of the outer door and see a window. It is half open and I open it up and peak my head inside. I scream hello and wonder if I maybe am rude. A young mans voice says hi. I walk in and wake up.

Notes: It was a long time since I had two lucids over two days. Let's keep it this way!

17th November 2020

Fragment:

(Lost most of recall I woke up early in the morning because I was too hot, around 6am?, unknown)

Raid groups or something like them? There were some dream characters that were kind of like combat medics. This didn't make me RC even though it should have been a prominent cue to do so. I think it did raise my level of dream awareness but not enough. I remember specifically noticing that these dream characters were glitching visually, their limbs clipped through their clothing in weird ways, as poorly animated models might do.

Fragment:

Something with C from school and T. There was a general context around the old home.

---

18th November 2020

Fragment:

I was talking via Steam to Sh from the PTFG. It didn't quite sound like him though. He was asking me how I was and we discussed something about my well-being at length; the conversation was heavily focused on me but mostly because he kept asking questions in that direction.

---

Notes (for 18th only):

- Last night I spend some time speaking with F from BL and we caught up a bit and he was asking me how we'd been.

- Dream recall had vanished by the time I got up from bed and when the recall first came through, I mistook it for a real memory, taking me a couple of minutes to go through it and realising it was simply vague recall of a dream.

- I slept poorly last night and the last few days have been very difficult for me, physically. I have also been feeling completely demotivated from my creative activity.

- Last night I continued reading the book from the LD Book Club and I had been thinking about the four-step process for dream-work. After my initial recall of this dream this morning, I have been considering trying them on this, since it's a fairly short dream and seemingly quite specifically directed towards how I've been feeling.

- All I can visually recall from the dream is the chat window and Sh's icon.
-- Typing the above note, I have just realised that my abbreviation for the person in the chat has a secondary and much more specific significance to me.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

Turns out I am a lost daughter of Trump. Because of that, I am spending some time with his lunatic family and entourage. He has gone full bananas and now wears some hippy tunics and is all "peace on earth". He says he learned from me how to become more like a human being and loving animals and so on. Tells me a story about some horses he saw being mistreated and how he felt compassion for them and suddenly became a better person, but as always, he is just inflating his ego even more with the fake notion he now has empathy. I later tell this story to my group of friends and we laugh and laugh of his lack of notion.
He later brings me 3 pairs of used shoes he got second hand somewhere, thinks I might like them and wants to impress me with his low waste, humble attitude. I do like the shoes, but then he also says if I am going to be part of his family and get my part of his inheritance, I need to go through a makeover and become more fancy. I wonder what inheritance, as he is broke and full of debts. He says more hilarious things that I share with my friends again, but they are too busy to keep paying attention to what I say. They are trying to get us inside a studio where some children show with karaoke singing is being taped. Since they can't get us officially in, we break in and literally mingle with the kids that are dancing in front of camera. No one seems to notice or care and they just keep taping. Then one of my friends joins a group of kids singing the opening music on and she messes up. That's when they decide to kick us out but she complains they had the notes all wrong and isn't her fault. They start getting pissed. But what takes them over the top is when I acidentally spill ans ashtray full of ashes over the director's snacks that are on a table.

I'm going back home and a neighbor and friend of mine is kicking out her boyfriend from her house, who happens to be the son of a Mayor or something, so he has a bunch of heavily armed bodyguards all the time around him. She not only is throwing out all his clothes and stuff, but the most hilarious is how she also throws away the security dudes out of the window as if they are pieces of trash.

Some friend of mine, who works on trains, finds out a secret hideout where they keep money during commutes. It is a cabinet somehow embedded in a wall behind the door mechanism. It is only acessible when train stops and the doors open, and to access it, one has to hve very slender arms. He somehow convinces me to steal the money so I try and reach the money, but then notice a camera pointed at that spot. I then see a chance to access it from as opposite (much harder) position, where only my arm will be on camera. I retrieve the money, it is a very nice pile of 20€ bills, þut I put it back, because if we steal it now and they go check the secutiry footage, they'll see my face. I tell my friend we have to do it some other time, on a different train and schedule, so when the money goes missing, they don't eventually identify us when checking older videos.

At some event, I don't know what it i,s but aome of my friends and old colleagues from school are there. At the end of it, Melania Trump grabs a mic and starts singing a Whitney Houston song with an angel voice. Everybody gets up in ovation and even those who dislike her comment how amazing it is that she had this hidden talent. But I don't buy it. I clap unenthusiastically and I am sure there is some guy hiding and playing a recording. She is a liar all the way, she can only be scamming us all to buy some admiration. But I fail to prove it. When leaving this party I get stranded from my friends and end up watching a kid playing a videogame. It is about a fantasy world and characters are a couple amphibian elf-like beings who live in undergroung caves. They live away from humans, in caves filled with water, but they enconter a small group of humans also inhabiting an underground world that can only be acessed through an underground river, so they are very much isolated from the world. I become one of those elvish beings and start living the story in their own skin. We encounter these humans when we reach a cave that is semi empty of water and has a stairway carved in the rocks where we spot some humans. We engage with each other. They welcome us to their world, they show us their caves. We ask if they ever go outside and they show us an access they have to a greenhouse on the surface, that is inside what looks like a zoo. The greenhouse is inside an enclosure where aupposedly should be animals but there are none. The place also seems abandoned so they go there to see sunlight and some outdoor greenery but they never venture outside, and they avoid being seen by outside humans, I don't know why.
Then I start understanding they are some kind of fascist group with some weird flags that look very similar to nazi flags and I meet their leader and realize they are hiding because the rest of humanity thinks they went extinct and doesn't know of their existence and hideout. I feel very uncomfortable and tell my partner we should go.

I go back to the outside world and Donald Trump won election after recount with about 6000 votes. I say it is not possible as he was losing by 5 million, but networks are all confirming it and I say in despair that I want to get out of this horror alternative universe.