side notes

Piano or forte?
In school, some classmate of me whose face I can't discern asks if, metaphorically, piano or forte would indicate something stronger, and I said forte.

Something else
It's blurry, but it might be at home.

---

More than yesterday.

Unspecific fragment
I remember standing in front of the door to the staircase connecting all flats of my house. Otherwise, I only remember wanting to remember the dream once I woke up since I recall that the dream was great.

---

I guess school killed recall.

Reviewing life moments after death
I am in complete darkness, and the only thing that I can still sense are my memories. There is a sort of sad music, but it has a happy and ethereal to it, like I was done now and no longer had to worry about anything, but now it is all over in exchange. It was some sort of synth instrument maybe, but there was definitely piano. I relive the memory of when I was 4 and apparently a cousin and his mother were coming up to visit us. I came to see them. Then, probably a few years later, apparently the house of them were now right next to ours, only about 8 meters needed to walk to the other's house entrance. It was night, and the cousin was visiting. At some point later we apparently flooded their house, which was extremely big, with phosgene for some reason and left to my house. At some point I looked to the window and it was pitch black outside. My mother smelled something weird at some point, and I suggested it might be the phosgene, so I closed our windows. Had problems closing the left one, though, and it had a weird design. Back in the black, I kept thinking how I really wished that you could just turn back time. At some point I also thought about my borther.

---

That was deep.. also, that phosgene part was weird.

Again, only unintentional WBTB and intention to lucid dream.

In the following sleep cycle I first got into a non-lucid dream but with ever-increasing awareness. When I reached lucidity I seemingly woke up but immediately recognized the false awakening. Getting up and moving was a little difficult, though also incredibly realistic. I was at my parents' house and slowly walked through the dark deserted rooms. At the front door I used the key to open the door though I'd normally just walk through it - the dream was so vivid and yet unstable that I wasn't sure about passing though objects.
Outside it was a bright, warm summer day. The trees on the left were incredibly coloful with red and purple fruits, swinging in a gentle breeze. The wind also blew my long hair into my face which had - surprisingly - a dark-red color. I decided to go into the garden because I expected it to differ from reality - which it then did of course. It resembled the gardens of a palace with lots of water areas and a fountain in the middle.
I thought it would be interesting to drink from the fountain and tried to make a glass appear - didn't work, but whatever. To get to the fountain, I needed to balance on a swimming log. This again felt so incredibly real that I got lost in thoughts about it - and woke up.

I was still close to dreaming, maybe even in sleep paralysis, and so I just let myself sink back in. Some dreamlets washed over me without letting me enter until one of them opened wider and wider. I got to observe a scene where a black car was chased by the police, driving on a bridge high above the sea. In the car there was a dream character that was me, and a partner. They came to a stop, having trouble with their car. Another police car arrived and barred the way. I was still observing, though maybe influencing the plot, when the 'me' in the car decided to take the only way out - to jump with the car from the bridge.
I saw the car falling down and into the water. Reminding me that this was just a dream, I took my place down there. Now, I was suddenly swimming underwater. Of course I knew that I could still breath and I did - but every breath was difficult as it was accompanied by a sting of fear.
In large circles I was diving deeper and deeper until suddenly all water was gone. Otherwise, the surroundings were still the same - now looking like a vast hall. The floor was cluttered with balls and balloons of different colors and sizes. One of them was special: it was filled with what looked like confetti. My partner who had come there with me was trying to cut it open but the material seemed very firm. Someone else told us that there would be knowledge about the universe and about the future in there (okay?!). I took it and pulled (with some difficulty) the plug. Without the chance to do anything else, I woke up.

This was another good example of the sheer weirdness of dreams and also my first time dreaming lucid in third person perspective, interesting!

So I've probably had a lucid dream everyday since my last journal entry. This almost confirms my hypothesis that technique is not as important as timing. I did some google-sleuthing and there seems to be already research supporting my guess: Source.

Had a lucid dream using some of my common powers of shapeshifting, going invisible and moving through solid objects; in this instance a tall fence.

Edit: Added in 16th August 2020

Dream:

The dream was a bit like Final Fantasy somehow. Had a cinematic-like presentation, long dream overall.

At a mall with H, meeting up with my mom and dad. There are three bad guys around and we help local security deal with them. I remember a rectangular area of the mall, it had four escalators or six, two at each end (four in total) and then another two at the central area?

Then I'm walking outside with H, we're holding our arms together. Some Australian guy appears and makes a remark of some kind? I get annoyed by it and I sort of snark at him but not too much, as he looks well built and I'd rather not get into a fight. He kind of goes quiet.

We go for a wee? At some point the guy apologises, something about being gay being illegal in Australia; I accept his apology and say I understand that he has a different background.

A girl? At a castle/mansion place. I remember the outside walls of some castle tower buildings, we were walking along them earlier. The girl is from an earlier part in the dream. I remember being bare foot and feeling cold tiles but not being bothered enough by it for me to mention it.

---

18th August 2020

Dream:

At the end of the dream, me and H were using some kind of Matrix VR headset. Were we watching or maybe participating in a show of some kind?

Then I remember being with H in my parents' old bedroom. We're both naked and we're sort of just lounging about? At one point, H starts getting aroused and we both get a bit silly, making jokes or something. I remember making a Scorpius impression.

I remember running water. Some kind of device attached to a wall. It was leaky, or poorly sealed. Then I remember something else about MB and I was upset that he was lying to someone again, and then he was pretending he hadn't done anything.

---

20th August 2020

Dream (DFLN Thread):

Part of a very long dream. Something about some dream characters, within some big building. A girl who tries to tackle me I think? I seem to remember the building wasn't finished or something, as I remember seeing a lot of bare concrete and open sections.

I dodge the girl's tackle and she falls from three stories high, and she comes apart into several bloody pieces as she hits the floor, but the "tearing apart" seems to not correspond to the impact that had occurred, as it seems lethargic compared to the actual impact and fall.

Several dream characters and small interactions with them? (Like what... Nicely detailed!)

At some point I was in some very distorted version of my old home but with my current neighbours. At some point me and H are in a version of my old room.

I remember hearing the neighbour scream like we've heard it in some mornings before but we mostly just ignored it this time. I also remember the lady from the old couple had someone over, and she was talking so loudly we could hear her voice clearly through walls.

By the end of the dream I'm looking at the computer. I'm on my browser, on the usual art site. Dream-generated art from other artists and I remember commenting or interacting somehow. Something about an art piece focused on a giant maw and its teeth.

Then I remember being on DV looking at my DJ and seeing that I got my Roman numerals numbering wrong somehow and in more than just a few entries. It makes me wonder in the dream, if I should rename them all and just scrap the idea.

---

Notes:
- Although I don't get them so much anymore I still sometimes have these dreams with MB in them. What surprises me a bit is that in the dreams I don't react violently to his presence. There's usually a context of normalcy, as if contact had never been broken but with the subtext that he'd still done something wrong.
- I don't remember any details of the VR headset thing but it sounds interesting. It's reminding me now of some very ancient dreams I had in my childhood (before I even watched the Matrix, I think?).

- The girl that falls to literal bits, this was probably partly brought on from playing KF, in which the enemies come apart when killed and in, I suppose, quite gruesome ways; though when playing I usually find this to be quite amusing because of the physics effects and sometimes the slow-mo effect makes it all the more amusing.
- The thing about the DJ numerals has occurred to me before as passing thoughts while on DV and away from it too. I have had thoughts about how the system will become cumbersome when it reaches very high numbers.
- The second dream, in the part where I was looking at art; this may have been part of a subconscious process that recently pushed me to trying to do something creative together with another artist. But as with the rest of my dreams on this recurring subject the focus is on interaction, a part I feel deeply deprived of quite often.

- Also worth noting that I was a bit lax with my recall and DJ efforts for about a week, in good part because of schedules and also because of tiredness. I often find it frustrating when I want to make note of dreams while feeling physically incapable of it (fatigue, pain, etc).

Really need to finish catching up on DJ, getting close to current dreams now. I also feel I maybe do need to start giving proper titles to my DJ entries for quicker reminders at a glance of what they're about. I don't like doing it sometimes because I often change my mind about what the focus of the dream was.

11th August 2020

Dream:

Somewhat fragmented. One of the first parts was inside a building, nicely decorated. Public works type of building. Something about me needing a Greek lawyer, without this lawyer some cronies would just be able to punch me as much as they wanted or something? Marble flooring and generally ornate detailing. Don't remember much else.

Then I remember coming out from my old home building's main entrance. I casually walked across the short distance to the entrance of the shop here. The fruit stands weren't where they'd normally be. They were all piled up on top of one another by the entrance, kind of.

There was a basket with green pears. The entrance seemed wider than I remember it? Theo was standing there, watching, so I asked him for some of those pears and he asked how many. Three, I replied for whatever reason.

He put the pears in a clear plastic bag and then I walked closer and he gave them to me. Then I went in the shop and he returned to his usual business. It was surprisingly busy inside. The layout was a slightly altered version of how I remember it, but with a bit of expansion that wouldn't be physically possible. (In which direction?)

I roamed around inside the shop. There was a display counter (where he'd typically have the cheeses, hams, etc.) and I saw some of those heart shaped pastries I like in there. I got two and put them away somehow, in a bag? I remember looking around a bit more but then the next thing I remember is being outside and walking back toward the building's entrance.

Mom came out of the main entrance, I think, and T was arriving from the main entry point into the cul-de-sac. I remember thinking this was all in good timing, as we could then have an afternoon snack together or something.

---

Notes:
- I think I feel this dream is something of a closing chapter on some of my older memories. My family looked as they do now and I felt as I do now. But the shop had already changed after I first left. Theo no longer owns and runs it and that's a part of my childhood that will remain nothing more than a memory now.
- I can't remember why three may have been significant (three can always be significant for whatever reason we want, there were three pears and three of us and so on...) but the dream's choice of fruit in the pear was probably because I had recently had thoughts about having pears, a fruit I haven't had in quite a long time now.

- Though I don't remember the details specifically anymore, I think it was a sunny day.

- I have a rather peculiar thing with timings, for some reason. The encounter of my mom and my sibling just as I'm coming back to the building's entrance is just such a simple example of my peculiar timings but over the last few months I have found myself having a lot of passing thoughts about my timings.

Joining a forum about spirits after a ghostly experience
I am in a dark house, it seems to be my home. A TV is running on static. Suddenly I have some sort of paranormal experience which freaks me out which seems to be about some recently deceased grandpa or uncle, so I join a forum about that and try not to glance at threads, especially not image threads because I was still very freaked out. I either make a post or read a post that was like the experience I had. The experience might have had something to do with American Indian mythology.

---

School started, so all lucid progress is basically lost until next holidays.

Weird game fragment
It was about some sort of Mario party-esque game, but in real life and as such pretty dangerous. It might have involved later mentioned Skype and in real life friends. There might have been other things that happened.

Distance fragment
I was making a Distance level, using some quite advanced level editor tricks to achieve a specific, pretty trippy effect. I showed this to the aforementioned Skype and in real life friends. There might have been other things that happened as well.

Warehouse 13 and old man sacrifice fragment
There might have been something about a friend dying, maybe something other than human that became a friend to the team. Then it was sort of like a spaceship like in The Orville, but like in a previous dream, where a whale creature was saved. Something was about to destroy the ship, and the only thing that could save it and everyone on it was the sacrifice of a very nice old man who wasn't supposed to die yet. He understandably got a bit depressed and didn't want to talk to anyone, so he just went to the elevator and went all the way to the top, where he'd die and thus save the ship.
Suddenly, the dream starts again, but I have the memory of before. I tell the first officer that I had the memory of the future, and thus they apparently sent someone different. But then I watched the old man also going to the elevator and I shouted "Wait! They sent someone different!", but he didn't hear it. I ran to the elevator and at first wanted to send an elevator up to the old man to signal that they sent someone different, but noticed that it wouldn't work. Even though I had already selected a floor, I hammered the button on my floor, but then I pressed the door button and it opened, even though I had already sent the command to send it away. I selected the floor right under the deadly top floor, and my elevator quickly caught up with his. Both elevators had glass walls at at least one direction. I hammered on the walls and shouted "They sent someone different! Wait!" and he noticed me. He was sitting on the floor of his elevator, said. We met on the floor right under the top floor. I ran to his elevator door and as it opened I told him "They sent someone different already! You don't have to go anymore!" but he just told me "No.. they sent someone different already, but it did not work, I have to go anyway...". I was
quite sad and shocked now. "Oh.. o-okay.. goodbye..." I had no idea what to even say. His doors closed, and his elevator went away, sending him to his death.

Fleeing from Rumpelstiltskin
I was at home, and there was a Skype friend and an old primary school friend. It was not in the past though, and thus, the primary school friend had aged. I was doing some chemical experiment involving chlorine for some reason on the floor without any protection. Then the skype friend brought me something and I poured it into the experiment. But suddenly I had forgotten what I was even pouring into what and panicked slightly. But then I noticed that it didn't smell like chlorine, so it was fine, so I just let it be and stood up and went into a corridor, where you can go into the kitchen and the living room, as well as at the far left end out of the house. My friends asked me what I was doing, and I showed them a bag of magic items. They were amazed. I said that we'd revive the magic again. I asked my skype friend to bring me something again, and he took a school bag of items and unpacked it, for some reason in the living room. My mother asked what it is, and I said some excuse that worked out well. So we left the house with all the items. Then at some point we were at a house. In between something relating to Rumpelstiltskin happened and we were fleeing, along with like 7 other people. We came to a building and went in. At some point we wanted to leave, but the entrance collapsed for some reason, but I told them we could get through, but everyone except for me ran back into the house. Luckily, only the entrance collapsed a bit. I went out, though, in fear of the building collapsing. I then ran around outside and spotted Rumpelstiltskin, disguised as a worker, since there was sort of like a large runway, maybe for an airport, directly adjacent to the house. After 20 minutes I accidentally came really close to Rumpelstiltskin, and he mumbled "When's he going to go in again...", but I actually thought it might be good to come in. I went in and went up to a high floor and told everyone where Rumpelstiltskin was. A few girls were browsing eBay, and listed some things we needed, including glass. But I said that we need it in borosilicate, since we need lab items to ease our survival, since we were planning to go to the enchanted forest like from Once Upon a Time. They said it is a stupid idea. One of us had like a dog-like face, which was apparently normal, but one made a joke if I could build a gun with a name something related to dogs which he could should the dog person with, which was just a very morbid joke. I answered by just saying I can't build guns, just fuel. Then we decided to leave and all went out. A lot of people jumped from like 10 meters high up down without hurting themselves, but I took the stairs, as any sane person would. Only one other guy came with me to the stairs, but it was full of spider webs and I asked him to remove them a bit with his feet, and he did it and I came down as well.

Monk dream
There was something about the crime series Monk.

Thunderstorm dream
There was some quite cool storm. It was really dark and a cool atmosphere.

---

That was a VERY long dream and lots of recall. That was really cool. No lucids, though. Maybe tomorrow.

8th August 2020 8:30

Fragment (DFLN thread):

Recall faded somewhat. Left too long before deciding to type.

Was underwater, felt something like Conan:Exiles but overall it was a mixture of different things. (nice and specific as always... )

A cutscene of an event? Something about having a wee, or reproducing? A giant blue or dark teal female-like character had phallic tentacles from their genital area and they wrapped them around me or my character and left some kind of "seed". (my visual recall of this seems to have faded, but I remember it was quite distinct)

Then something similar happened again? But with a different creature. Then I remember being equally big and trying to protect some smaller spawn.

A wave of zeds from KF appeared and I used my giant arms to simply swat them away as they swam closer?

Some other part, going up in a lift in a rush after escaping while fighting. Remember using a shotgun in a first-person mode. As the lift made a stop, there was a character. A deer, or half-deer. Something about the hooves was important? I remember a divinely glow of some kind behind the character... But not sure now.

Then, further along, inside a gigantic tree that had been planted earlier (when?) but could sort of see inside out or something when looking up, weird perspective stuff. A bit cinematic-y.

Fragment:

Drawing on tablet?

---

8th August 2020 10:10

Fragment:

In the old kitchen at the old home. Something about mom making a deal, or promise? With me, or with dad, who was also in the room. There's some cooking going on, I was making something soupy, or sauce-like.

In an earlier part of the dream, playing with H in some GTA or SR-like game. I remember using a very large tank that took up two lanes, and then eventually simply decided to spawn or summon a jet, like one from JC3, but I got a fighter by accident instead of a bomber like I meant to, but I just carried on and got in it. Went over some restricted zone and started shooting at generic henchmen. I remember a city and a lot of water. Maybe a bit futuristic.

Fragment:

Mixed/incomplete recall. My cousin T ate some little sweet thing. It did something to her behaviour and I think her sister was there too. Something about me babysitting or taking care of them? Weird dream place, vivid-ish colours.

---

Notes:
- For a while now me and H have been playing KF2 on and off together, the zeds were probably just a leak-through of that. But I haven't really played C:E in forever, but have thought about it.
- Not sure what was the specific source for the giant characters. Need to make mental note to look through old sketches.
- The deer character was an unusual appearance. I think it was partly precipitated by the interactions I've had with Occipitalred here on DV. Deer-type animals are not the type I give a lot of conscious attention, though I did paint a deer character some six weeks ago (at the time of writing this).
- The "mistake" of summoning the wrong jet is of particular significance for me because in JC3 I got very used to flying the more sluggish bomber and really pushing it to its limits.

Chronological re-direction entry;

2nd August 2020

4th August 2020 - 1

4th August 2020 - 2 (lucid)

---

5th August 2020

Fragment:

Canyons and ravines. Going around with someone else, but don't recall who.

Eventually something about escaping or getting away. An alien "saucer" ship. Vision, of an alien communicating in an unknown language, as if on a holographic screen/display. One word stands out from the alien's speak however: Hyperdrive.

I need to find a hyperdrive for these aliens, or find a suitable person to repair theirs maybe, I remember thinking. The drive would be mounted at the top of their ship?

Still in the same dream, in my old home's building in the stairwell. Something seems different from how it should be. I go to one of the in-between level landings and go through one of the storage areas behind the frosted glass. They have a door on the other side which leads to a different, but mirror version of the stairwells. I don't question this in the dream, but it would have been a very good point for a RC, as this construct would be physically impossible in reality, there would be a drop on the other side, not a mirror version.

The stairwell was well lit by natural light, but still many dark contrasts. Unlike in present day, the stairwell had no automatic lights.

---

6th August 2020

Fragment:

Some early dream part was something about sending waves of hundreds of "native" fighters, fighting for some cause that a faction I belonged to was pursuing. These native fighters kept being annihilated by the enemy, which was simply better equipped.

After this happened more than a few times (I remember seeing it, but not being there), I went to the fronts myself, only to find that there was no strategist in place here and so felt it was no wonder they kept getting slaughtered by the enemy. Lack of equipment could have been substituted by adequate and cautious strategy to defeat these openly arrogant enemies.

Fragment:

By the end of this dream I was watching some kind of live concert? There was a white female singer in the centre of a room. She started to sing a song I don't know, it was titled "Snowflake" or something. At first I thought that it was going to be silly, but then I found myself relating to the lyrics of her song, feeling like it was a song that could have come from H's perspective about me. The lyrics started off something like "something as simple as; merry Christmas!; is enough to [something] my snowflake".

In-line note: Re-writing this here now, it seems there's still a lingering emotional link, despite not remember the dream very well visually; this suggests to me that this is attached to a very specific part of my subconscious, as I only have a few specific instances of this happening.

Because I found myself relating to the lyrics so oddly and so specifically, I did a reality check. I had the correct number of fingers, and my fingers wouldn't pass through my palms, so I decided perhaps too quickly that reality was consistent enough that I wasn't dreaming.

I remember the whole thing was all very "sing-along", with people in an audience playing their own instruments, in perfect time with the music, somehow just right, with no flaws at all.

---

Extra note:

- The music in the singing lady dream was, to my memory, completely dream-generated, but it did have elements of old timey singing/melody, which H does listen to a fair bit and I usually listen to as well when H does.
- The first fragment from the 6th came from an incredibly long dream, I remember being in a lot of different places, mostly tents, trenches, battle-scarred streets, etc. I remember many scenes of both brightness and darkness, but I seem to be remembering an overly orange, sandy tone to the dream.

Had a lucid dream where I melted out of my body and started the dream in my room. I didn't have a shirt or trousers on so I opted to put those on first. I felt like I was wasting time so I just went along in the dream, conjuring clothes on my body. I don't remember anything else outside of that. I think I may have reached a new epiphany in lucid induction: technique isn't as important as timing; specifically how long WBTB is and when you decide to take a morning nap. Still testing things.

30th July 2020

Dream: (DFLN thread) ^{(self-memo: be sure to re-read Sageous comment and my own reply)}

Was at some therapist's office. Looked to be a typical rented office space. I went in and saw a doctor "Hodstatdr Lester" ^{(note, this is my original spelling in the original entry)}, he insisted gently that I call him Lester.

He was a well-built man, with a mostly round head (bald?) and with a deep voice. He wore glasses.

We sat opposite each other on identical chairs. Lightly stained pine frames with blue textile cushions (deep blue?).

He began by asking me what he could help me with and by saying remarking something about whether or not it would be worth our time, mutually.

I talked for a little bit, I don't have a recall of the specifics but then I said I had two unresolved phobias. He seemed to nod compliantly and asked me to go on. I remember thinking about what I wanted to say, and then saying it, an unusual process for me during conversation.

"Well, one of my phobias is what's on your shirt." I said
"Pockets?" He said with a look of surprise.
"No" I replied, making a motion with my index running along my sternum.
"Ah, you mean buttons" He replied.

I interrupted with "Yes" because I had(have) an aversion to even saying the word at times.

"Well, you have a [unintelligible prefix]-phobia" He then stated.

I also had in mind that I wanted to talk about another unresolved phobia. But oddly enough I couldn't remember what it was (and still can't).

In any case, I said that this phobia name sounded familiar, and just as we were about to start discussing it, I woke up.

Original notes:

- While I felt like I could trust him, hesitantly, this feeling was mostly further compromised by the fact that the chairs were oriented in a way that made him be slightly my left and I to his right. This could have been corrected easily when I sat down, by simply turning the chair in a different angle.
- In addition, the room was large. 6x6 mtrs or so at a guess. But apart from our chairs it was a completely empty office. The floor was carpeted?
- Finally, there were two windows. One behind and left of the therapist (from my pov) and another one out of sight in the far right corner of the room. It was day time and so the two windows were the only light sources.

Scraps:

Mentalist dream, something about young children getting their fingers stamped with hot seals? This was part of some imagined thoughts at some point.

Something about being in my old home's kitchen, the light was on. Absence of light and darkness from outside. Odd. Mom and T were in the kitchen? Something about cooking, and then a bat flew in and mom notified us, after I'd already spotted it. It was light brown in colour, caramel coloured even.

One of the very first dreams? Was in a tank in some place near a warehouse and I was shooting civilians with tank shells, because they were being uncooperative somehow. I remember troops on foot scattering from a rear formation to take control of the civilians and the immediate area.

Improbable lucid fragment
I don't remember the dream itself, but that I thought that it probably wasn't lucid. In the end I remember that some insane guy dragged me into a room and chopped my head in half with a chainsaw. I seemed to already be dead, so I only felt a tickling on my head as I watched in third person. He seemed to also have done it with another person and we were paralyzed to death or something.

Lego lucid
I don't remember how I got lucid, but I had an idea and I wanted to have some space. So I wanted to go outside, to the garden. Thus, I went to the door of my home and opened it, hoping for the garden to be right there. It took a few attempts, but then I was in the garden and I wanted to do something but then, suddenly there were some strange people that wanted to punch me or something so I decided to try and go to a large plains, apparently one from lord of the rings. I then wanted to do something, and suddenly everything was like in lego videogame, sort of. I had like a hotbar and was in some funny colored land, like purple shades and blue. I then tried doing what I wanted to do, but I lost lucidity. I also remember at some points stabilizing, focusing on every sense while stimulating them. In the end I dreamt that vinny from vinesauce was streaming the lucid dream I had, and I was apparently giving him tips since I was apparently his friend. In the end I was waking up and had a moment of lucidity. I was in the void, and tried opening my dream eyes, but it opened my real eyes and I was awake.

---

That was cool. Finally some lucids. Now I just gotta keep it up and I'll have consistent lucids. I'll say the first one was a lucid since I was at least close. Also, I have no idea how to train myself to keep my eyes closed when I wake up. My mantra is already pretty complex "When I see my hands I will remember I am dreaming and I will remember that my body is in bed." so I don't think I can attach even more onto that sentence without forgetting it mid-sentence.

Blurry fragment
There is something, maybe having to do with a tesla coil or some similarly shaped pillar at my home in the living room, right beside me.

---

I waited too long with writing down my dream. I remembered it just a few minutes ago. But I remembered my mantra once again so I'll hopefully have another lucid dream soon.