side notes

9th June 2021

Fragment (5:30):

I'm in an office building. It's day time and there's lots of light coming through a skylight. At different points I'm different people. It's quite busy here. Something about making a breaded fried chicken enterprise (i.e. a joint business) and physically half making it and the other half being bought from a unique source. I remember myself scraping some chicken off one of our blue kitchen plates into something else, like for cooking.

Scraps (10:00):

(Several dream sequences but recall fragmented.)

One sequence about Q?

Another bit near the end of a dream, I'm walking through some kind of cavern. It's dark but I might have some kind of light source. Someone else is here with me, following me? I am looking for something, an exit maybe. The cavern is not straight or flat at any point. I walk past corpses on or next to mattresses. Maybe some are alive, but either way, they're related to some previous part of the dream. I think I was trying to lead a bunch of people and they didn't like my ideas or what I was doing, which was why I ended up in the caverns.

Something about shooting some objects with H, but not sure what we used. Some kind of explosions were supposed to happen from the objects being shot.

---

Notes:

- I went to the bathroom and got back in bed with a WBTB intent after the first recalled fragment.

- I went to bed at night with intents about lucidity and waking up in the middle of the night.

5th June 2021

Fragment:

Here at home, with H. We're going downstairs and we get ready to go out. We have some kind of playful tussle or disagreement.

(recall was too weak despite having felt very present in the dream, mind wandered after waking)

Fragment:

Middle or end bit of a dream, first part involved one of my aunts and was in a building. Later, in a town like my old town, sort of sunny but cloudy? I'm walking along the edge of town, slightly higher up than the rest of it which is in a sort of dip.

There's a Covid context but nobody is wearing masks or distancing properly. I'm not myself anymore, now I'm a male character and I'm walking outside with this young woman. We're about the same age and we are a couple. We're in the middle of town at one point and it's busy. Someone mentions something about white gypsies and I wonder to myself if this isn't offensive in some way. I'm following the woman, she has a slim build but I can't remember what she's wearing.

She bumps into an old lady a bit carelessly as we walk into a sort of square area, the old lady says to her "you'll have to self-isolate now!", in a somewhat vindictive way that implied she'd just passed on infection. As we walk through town we eventually become lost and we ask a middle-aged lady for directions. She shows us the town on a paper map. I try to figure out and understand where our house is.

Vague recall but later, after several very deliberately "dream-like" encounters, with recurring characters that appear and disappear at different points and with changing physical features such as a lift that shifts it's entrance, we walk through a dark tunnel. Sort of subway/transit hub-like in style, just an access corridor, but there is no light, I don't recall how I am able to see.

We then enter a different room, slightly brighter and kind of large, but still dark and underground. There are four characters here who block us, or have our full attention. They appear like teenagers or something at first and then morph into large and sort of fat orange worm-like creatures, their long bodies are sort of ribbed; they retain some human aspect, a face perhaps. They gloat, as if they'd won or something. One says "the human body is 0.91 grams of sodium. 68% sodium" and the illogical part of the math just passes me by but in the dream I'm so fully in the role of this young man that I don't really think like myself anyway. The creatures imply that we are be feed for something, either them or their master, but this something is small, I feel.

Everything actually feels dreamlike for most of this bit, I think about how we (me and my female partner) must be having a joint dream and these creatures had invaded our dream to bring us their gloating message.

Eventually they let us go and this idea and feeling passes, especially because I expect some dream-like transition but there isn't one. We go back to our place though I don't recall how we get there. It's also dark and dingy, most of the second half of the dream is. We have to get some things to eat, which we pick out of this small polygonal box. She picks something, not sure what now and it was apparently the right thing to pick, as a character appears and groans complaining about how she made the right choice. She had apparently sussed out that there were certain script-like sigils that had to do with the bad characters. I struggle to pick something myself, eventually picking this odd and partly rusty metal object with a somewhat industrial look to it. It has a bit of that rust converter's purple tinge too. The object has a hex key end on one side and the other end of it widens out a bit; the object is very sharply faceted.

I openly ask and wonder if this is the right thing. Seems that it is though and then we are somewhere else. Still dark, there's a table. My female partner is engaged in some activity with her object, maybe firing arrows made of light? She seems obsessed, almost drunk with power or something. I try to figure out what my object does. There's a man here with us, too, he had appeared before in the dream and is some kind of guide, in his fifties or so.

I use my object like a pen over the table and it seems to write in ink made of light. I effortlessly make script-like sigils like those from before except made of light. The drawn sigils over the table flash and quickly fade away once they are complete.

---

Notes:

- I went to bed somewhat late and I had looked at a few things in the shed beforehand that may have just fed into some of the shapes in the dream, such as the polygonal box and the faceted metal "pen".

- I don't recall hearing or thinking about names at any point, even the woman I was with. She mirrored me in several physical aspects but I remember nothing about the character I was, I never saw myself, I simply "felt" like someone else, including physically to a point.

- Many of the environmental elements were familiar to the area around my old home, except geological features, which were more like lowlands or short rolling hills.

- The worm creatures' physical appearance seemed to be based off flexible ducting type of tubes and their orange was a sort of bright workplace orange kind of colour.

- Odd that I felt I'd title the second fragment as "not myself", since that is effectively the (actual) problem mom had just last night.

- After waking, most of this second dream did immediately feel very symbolic and story-like. My female partner felt like an anima archetype (especially as she later became apparently domineering), and the character I was in the role of felt like a hero archetype.

2nd June 2021

Fragment:

In a supermarket. I'm with my family, including some of my cousins though I don't recall who's here immediately around me. I remember then we're leaving the store, heading to the exit after we'd paid for some stuff. Just near the exit, I grab a 2 litre bottle of Coke Zero and walk outside without paying for it. I soon realise what I've done and give the bottle to C, who still looks like a child as I remember her from years ago.

I rush back into the store, past a security guard who hadn't even noticed what I'd done and I walk over at quick pace to a reception in order to explain what I'd done and to pay for the item.

---

Notes:

- In the dream I didn't think about it, but it was foolish to leave the bottle with my cousin instead of just bringing it back, paying for it and then leaving with the receipt. At least, that would have been the easy solution to the issue had it been in waking life.

- It's odd that my cousin was so much younger, though I realise now that she actually hasn't looked very different over the years. Perhaps she has something like H's sister, and I never realised/knew.

- This is one of a few recent dreams about supermarkets and so on.

1st June 2021

Fragment:

In a PvP battleground, themed on Kul Tiras or something, lots of wooden beams and structures, sort of grungy and moody atmosphere. Mechanically it's somewhat like Alterac Valley, except each side has to capture ten flags from the other side and the flags would spawn or drop from some players as far as I could see. It was a long and drawn out battleground, I remember seeing in the interface, at the top under the score, that we had been in it for twenty eight minutes or something.

I was a female night elf huntress, having a dragon hawk or ravager for a pet. I fight some horde players a few times but I'm not especially strong and do very little damage, plus I'm usually outnumbered. I remember using the aspect of the cheetah to get away more than once; we can't use our mounts on this battleground, despite it's seemingly vast size. At one point I chase after a blood elf, a death knight maybe? The level bracket is weird, like from twenty to sixty.

Near the end, me and someone else are partly disguised (as what?) and we confront this horde player who had been running away from me. (In the dream I was certain he was much stronger, but he had a flag and I still wanted to stop him)

Then it's less like a battleground and more like a department store in a mall, I'm walking around with these two people and we're talking about gender. There's something about how straight women are feeling misrepresented by a porn study? I felt like it was a diverse and inclusive study based on what this woman who was walking with me was telling me. It felt to me like the women complaining were picky and/or spoiled straight women, probably white in my mind.

Fragment:

In the kitchen at the old home. It's night time and the ceiling fluorescent light is on. J and L are between the two pillars and they're talking. I'm leaning against the counter in front of the sink, mostly just listening, occasionally saying something. The table is open/extended. There's a fan heater pointed at my feet, pointing toward me, I feel the heat/warmth on my legs. I point it toward them instead and J thanks me. The plug is coming from under the table, but in reality I don't think there are any sockets there.

---

Notes:

- I feel as though there have been quite a few dreams about the old home or hometown lately.

- Not sure what brought on the thing about the study at the end of the dream but last night I was watching something from the 80s that had a segment that seemed (to me) sexist against women.

- I just remembered "ten flags" is an actual thing, when I typed the title for this.

31st May 2021

Fragment:

I'm at a distorted version of the old home. The house is partly blended with a supermarket freezer aisle and a classroom, I think this is at the end of a dream segment that took place in a supermarket-like location. I'm nude in the bathroom and washing my hands. From a long distance away, I see JC (through a mirror?) jeering at me, saying I spend a lot of time washing my hands but that I still manage to do it so poorly. I find this comment hurtful because R (the tall one with the short curly hair) is next to me and agreeing with JC. I dry my hands, kind of poorly because of the towel, not taking away all the moisture.

I leave the bathroom and I'm in the corridor, it's more like the rest of how the house should be now. There's something about ice creams, some Magnums. There are two on the floor of the corridor against a skirting board, seems like someone is keeping them here to save them for later. I think about how they won't keep very well here. On closer look they're not wrapped anymore, and their outer chocolate shells are cracked. I try and fiddle but only make it worse. I leave them be and go to my room, which would actually be L's room.

Fragment:

(earlier dream) I'm in my home town, like I've just returned after years. It's night time and I just left the house for some reason (emotional?) and I walk down to the shopping centre area. The path is more direct than it would be in waking life, the road goes right through where the parish church should be.

At the front of the shopping centre, it's really well lit but mostly by phosphor street lights. I see some groups of people just idling about, chatting. A lot of them, I notice are people I knew from school, though some of them are black kids that used to make fun of me (M, R, are ones I remember). Unusually, I feel apprehensive over this, I think because there's so many people but I walk past them without being bothered, though I think people stare at me? This is the bit right in front of the bank, between the small substation building, said building is replaced in the dream by a ramp going underground (coming from the main road, the roundabout?).

I turn left since it's the corner. This bit that should be road and car parking spots is all limestone cobbled path. I see MM and I walk past I say hello and wave at him, almost in his face, but he doesn't hear or see me, doesn't acknowledge me. He's coming out through some glass sliding doors. I don't look inside but there's a bright cool light in there. Makes me think or feel of an airport.

I keep walking towards the open end of that underground ramp. Now I see D. I say hello to him too and he greets me back, we start talking. I ask him if he saw MM over there and he did, commenting something about him. We go down into the ramp, there's a sort of seamless transition and we're in a subway station. It's vast, more than almost any I can recall in waking life but it is like others I've dreamed of. It is well lit and there is a lot of concrete and some metal accents.

There's a fair amount of people around? I get the impression it's quite late but I don't know or see the time at any point. I talk with D all the way as we walk, but sadly I can't recall what about.

---

Notes:

- I dreamed of D only recently. In the past when I've dreamed of him or the other D, it has usually been linked with personal relationship in some sense. Both D and MM were two of my only true childhood friends, but at the same time, I ended up eventually feeling abandoned and disconnected from both too. Besides from relationships and from family, I don't think I ever felt friendship like theirs again, at least so far anyway, though at several points I have hoped that people I have met would become friends like they had been.

- In the dream it was as though MM was seeing past me, like he was aware of my presence but not acknowledging me. I remember he was standing still as I walked past whilst greeting him, expecting he would say something, at which point I would have stopped.

- The point at which I felt apprehensive about continuing on past the groups in front of the shopping centre was mostly a form of social anxiety that I haven't really had too much of in my adult life. On some level, I was afraid of being mocked. The other dream fragment also relates to some aspect of this.

- For the past few nights I keep trying to think about dreaming, lucidity and even previous dreams, but my mind always ends up drifting off and before I know it, it's morning. But I manage to recall most of my thoughts and moments prior to falling asleep fairly well.

30th May 2021

Fragment:

In my bedroom at the old home. It's daytime, maybe early morning, based on the shadows and it's sunny based on the bounced light. I'm looking outside as if from the edge of the balcony but I think I'm actually not on the balcony. I'm talking to someone, maybe dad. I see a big sea turtle (an adult could probably sit comfortably on its shell) crawling towards our building on the cul-de-sac road below.

I think to myself about how this happens from time to time.

---

Notes:

- I barely managed to recall this and only because of some random association, though not sure what that was anymore.

- My dream self believed this type of sighting to be completely normal, hence the thought I had to myself in the dream.

- Of my conscious recall between the ages of three and five (?) we had a relatively small pet turtle, living in some vivarium in what was the living room and which later became my bedroom. Oddly, I feel some sort of emotion writing about it, but I hardly remember any interaction with that pet turtle and I don't even remember how or if it passed away. I don't recall ever touching it.

Talking about my health
It's night, and I'm laying in bed. Someone whom I don't remember is laying in a bed somewhere in the room. We're sending each other messages in the form of newspapers we write with magic, possibly with a wand.

We tell each other about our health, apparently. Towards the end he says something along the lines of "You shouldn't complain so much" and that makes me mad, so I just go to sleep, possibly after a remark from my side.
-
I transiently wake up, and, after a minute, I go back to sleep.
-

Harry Potter-ish lucid
I am around the street where I live. I see teenagers, behaving somewhat like Ron and Hermione, and I go to them. Suddenly we're in a sort of organization, and we walk behind a house, where we're hidden, and we practice magical spells. I say that I'd especially like to practice forbidden spells (I seem to refer to forbidden in Hogwarts), which the characters behaving like Ron and Hermione seem to like.

Small scene change, I'm now walking away from that practice area with the characters I'll just call Ron and Hermione now, for convenience. I spontaneously become lucid. I think for a moment of what to do, and I decide to grow dragon wings since I've always wanted to experience flight. I tell them to watch what I can do, and I try to grow the wings, focusing. But it doesn't work, so I just remark: "Hm, doesn't work..."

Scene change. Semi-lucid now. We're in a classroom, apparently in Hogwarts. There's an old, grumpy-looking woman who's the teacher. I'm sitting next to Ron. He says we're getting tests now, and as he says that, the teacher puts a piece of paper on each of our sides of the desk. Still semi-lucid, I decide to do the test.

When she gave everyone a test, she says we should start, and I take out a pen. Now lucidity is gone. I talk for a while with Ron, not noticing I should work on the test. As the teacher walks by, I quickly take my test and try to look as if I'm working, and the teacher seems to simply ignore the fact that my test is empty, despite having had 5 minutes of time to work on it. I try to work on the first task, which is to rearrange a given set of letters magically into a specified sentence. I try to think really hard and see if I can remember the spell, but I don't, so I reluctantly put my hand up to ask the teacher. She comes over to me, and I tell her I don't remember the spell. She simply says that one surely wouldn't need more than a pen to finish this test, in a sort of humiliating way. I don't really care that she tried to humiliate me, but more about the fact that it seems pretty incompetent that she doesn't even know her own test. So, I just look around the class, and I spot a boy constantly farting, and the boy behind him clearly not enjoying that, putting his head down on his desk in anguish.

---

That second dream was nice, just a spontaneous DILD. Just annoying my dream control didn't work, and that I forgot about stabilization and increasing lucidity.

The farting boy clearly represented my totally mature classmates in real life, although the boy was a bit closer to the age where one would usually be expected to do something as immature as that.

28th May 2021

Fragment:

Outside, night time. There's someone else with me. We're on top of a short building, flat roof. There's a curving road that comes down on a hillside and then back up a bit further along. Relative to me, this is to a 90 degree quadrant in my front-right.

---

29th May 2021

Fragment:

Long dream, there's a hill and a big manor or castle on top? Some interaction with other dream characters. Something about walking a path, something about nature. Get the feeling of dawn or morning.

---

Notes:

- I'm having trouble recalling dreams despite clearly remembering being in them. Dream recall just seems to have completely faded by the time I'm sort of aware of being awake. My first thoughts on waking are fairly random and not seemingly related to my dreams.

- I also have little or no recall of my alarms going off earlier in the morning. I wonder if the issue here is the same as what has made me feel unable to see things in/with my imagination of late, a somewhat frustrating problem.

- It occurs to me that H's alarm has been different for a while; I used to think it was particularly annoying before, perhaps it was raising my awareness because of being annoying.

Forgot to document this one.

Nearly lucid
There is something related to the movie the dark tower. I am younger. There is some sort of man with a spaceship, and we had an adventure and it was time to say goodbye as we stand on the sidewalk next to the place I live. We have a sort of discussion.

Scene change. In my room. Am on the computer at night and there is some sort of loud screaming coming from my computer speakers and I felt something was about to happen. I frantically went to mute my audio, but it didn't work. This made me wonder if I am dreaming, so I pinched my nose and breathed through it, but I either tried teleporting away and it didn't work, or I just didn't understand the result of my reality check and just planned to continue on with the story. Either way, I woke up because of a noise in real life.

---

I thought of reality checking because that is actually a recurring situation in some of my lighter nightmares, and the feeling was familiar as well. It was also pretty surprising since I didn't do my routine for a long time now. There was also a recurring scene, where I anticipated that I'd meet a screaming female character that has a horrible amount of terror associated with her; I think I had dreamt about her when I was little.

26th May 2021

Fragment:

I'm playing my dwarf paladin. I'm in a dark and gloomy world, not quite like the game and not like waking life. This area is like a volcanic area, but mostly ash. It rains and I feel wet, it's a heavy drizzle. I meet other WoW players, at one point another paladin like mine and on inspecting his gear I see he has an impossible five thousand healing power, but I'm just amazed by it. I take a screenshot to show HW later. I wander off in some direction, with some sub-conscious purpose.

Later on in a different place I meet some furries, apparently some friends of H's friend M who is also in the dream in some way. Other ones are random M/M and I meet these in a city of some sort and as I recall dream reality gets a bit wonky here (phasing, incorrect perspective perceptions, etc). This is the brightest part of the dream as I recall it. I feel I'm just myself at this point, not any other specific character or form.

Some other bit is dystopic, again very gloomy, cold atmosphere. There's a building, I'm inside. It looks basic, large tiles for floor, concrete walls, possibly barred or broken windows. It has several floors, maybe three, with a central stairwell or something? I am with a group of people, possibly one person from waking life. A man enters the building at some point and he tries to murder someone in front of all of us, using some kind of crude slingbow thing that can throw anything at high velocity. The man is white, tall (more than one might expect) and slender, dark haired (a deep black) and slightly hunched. I see through his eyes and feel what he feels at some point, the sling thing feeling quite rubberband-like; he fails at every attempt, becoming visibly frustrated and being laughed away by the rest of us. He was trying to murder someone specific in the midst of us, also a man I think.

---

Notes:

- The dream was incredibly long but I couldn't maintain recall for long enough after making myself more awake.

- My initial thoughts are that this entire dreamworld reflects in some way how I look at the world sometimes in waking life. There was little order, it was anarchic and dystopic. Much of it was grey and desaturated. The middle part of the dream was probably the brightest and most colourful, but still it wasn't quite so much and there was an element of lacking order.

- There was a pervasively blue/cold light to most of the dream. It was only during the M/M section that there was some kind of bright sunrise in the distance.

- My paladin character is likely just a reflection of waking life but it does make a strong contrast to the otherwise desaturated and lifeless setting of the dream.

- The tall man is probably some shadow aspect. A murder of distance, to my mind, is immediately associated with fear of contact and fear of personal involvement.

21st May 2021

Not a dream:

Couldn't recall any dreams for this day made a note that I tried thinking about lucidity in general and about recent dreams where I might have had an opportunity to become lucid. I had hoped to go through the recall of several dreams in my head but ended up getting a bit stuck on this; eventually my focus drifted and I must have fallen asleep.

---

22nd May 2021

Fragment:

(left recall a bit late) Some bit in a town in the style of my old home town, hilly. I'm with some dream friends, a woman and a man both younger than me. They are getting rid of some stuff, office chairs or sofas?

Some other bit, I'm with someone but can't recall who. Entering some kind of hive building which is in the middle of an otherwise normal city (larger than any I've been to in waking life, NY style). The entrance to the hive part is high up, but I think I just run up it. Inside, there's a sort of rounded off eight point star inner shape and there are cocoons or eggs, they're dark? And the place is dark overall but there's some kind of light. Everything is very geometric.

I shoot or open the eggs by getting too close? DRG-like creatures come out and so on. I end up leaving but with an intent of returning later. For whatever reason, the creatures are unable to follow me out.

Some other part, I'm in a building with mom. Don't recall much of it but it's kind of a semi-circular inner area? Like a control room around a central and cylindrical room. It's generally dark. There are other people around, we're walking through the place?

19th May 2021

Fragment (remembered this while in the car and thinking about money):

I'm somewhere, meeting back up with dad. I'm giving him several old pound coins. I deliberately picked old ones instead of newer ones to give him and I remember ruffling through something (a cloth bag?) to get them.

---

20th May 2021

Fragment:

I'm in a version of my old town. It's dark, night time, but no street lights or anything? I meet up with D (childhood friend), an accidental meeting. I follow him into a building, climbing some stairs that lead up to the ground floor where the entrance is. The building is the one opposite of the cafe on the main street.

(transition)

We're then inside his apartment, but like the building, it's not the same as it would be in waking life. There's a lot of stuff everywhere and I make some remark on how it's comforting to know that other people can also have this issue. It's mostly clothes, clean but unarranged and piled up. I forget what we talk about, but we discuss something. It's dark here too, but more like dawn than night. There's a cold ambient light.

Then, I think I need a wee and I go somewhere in the flat. I go into this sort of secret compartment behind something and I forget all about needing a wee as I climb down a wall ladder comprised of metal loops in the wall. Then this part has a connection to the lift shaft. It's dark and goes a long way down in there. I look away? The rest of the room is some kind of cubical underhang thing on the building. There's a barred window in here at some two or three feet away. It looks much brighter on the outside, like it's daytime there. I look again into the lift shaft and the aperture is smaller than before now.

I'd have to crawl first to fit through now and drop down. A mouse, two mice come out. They look clean but I don't trust them. One gets close and for whatever reason I still reach toward it with my hand. It gets on top of my hand and bites me. It doesn't hurt a lot but I feel worried about getting an infection. I'm angry at the mouse but quickly forget about it. I go elsewhere, not sure where, and there I eventually wash my hands in a bathroom.

(there was a lot more to this dream but I couldn't recall much)

Notes:
- Before I fell asleep on night preceding the 19th fragment, I was again thinking of a general thing of Occipitalred's thoughts on dream awareness.

- It's ironic that only just recently I told Occipitalred I couldn't remember any dreams about money but then just a day or so before I had indeed dreamed about the subject of money in some form.

- I like to collect old and non-circulating coins, even if they are actually fairly recent. It seems odd that I would give dad the older ones rather than the newer ones, especially since in the dream there was some subtext of money being required to pay something banal.

- The dream with the mouse is one of a few recent-ish ones where a rodent has appeared.

Ghost dream
There is something involving ghosts happening. I feel an intense fear at some point. Towards the end of the dream one of my cats, Dori, apparently tells me about how she just thought ghosts approached her and it seems she is traumatized.

---

- There is also a memory associated that is likely to be related to another dream. There is a bunch of dreams that I keep remembering from months to many years ago, usually with recurring places. Maybe I should just document those as well under unknown date?
Well, the memory is that of a dark corridor. I might have been exploring some sort of cellar of a school or something, and there is an intense and totally unnaturally sinister feeling associated with it. I've explored this across many dreams multiple times, and it's always been associated with a strong curiosity but a deep sinister feeling breaking my courage and me stopping my attempt and getting out of the strange, windy, and tight cellar at the last moment before something would've caught me, and always shutting an extremely thick, heavy steel door with a sort of airtight turning mechanism. But honestly, I can't say I don't like these dreams. Nightmares are more interesting than anything for me, there's always something interesting going on, and it's rare something actually scares me in any way I wouldn't want.

18th May 2021

Fragment:

Contextually I'm in some kind of alternate reality. In a basement or garage of some kind? But there's a feeling it's older. The ceiling is concrete and orderly and only slightly taller than I am. The ground is uneven and natural in some sense. It's dark. My dog is here with me at some point, but I'm distracted by something else?

I was previously outside. A red-ish place, sandstone like. Reminds me now of stereotypical Mars depictions. It's sandy and the sky is a desaturated colour. I remember several interactions with dream characters, but only so vaguely. A man? Something about not belonging here perhaps.

Notes:

- I remember that last night I tried to think about several things relating to dreaming. I tried thinking about the lucid dreaming party that I never managed to successfully incubate, I thought about Occipitalred's thoughts on dream awareness in a traditional "non-lucid" state. I remember thinking about lucidity in general but I eventually became mentally distracted, lost focus, falling asleep at some point.

- Something about the outdoors place reminds me of Tomb Raider III level design, but only in very vague semblance.

17th May 2021

Fragment:

In a square or plaza, a place like L? Some kind of family gathering, we're right in the middle of the place. Some fuss is made about something (probably trivial) and L is there and maybe my cousin T. A throw is about to be put over the ground but as it is pulled out of whatever it was in, a pink skin-toned adult toy is dragged out along too. The toy bounces around unrealistically, somewhat out of control and taking a while to stop, with nobody being able to catch it. Even though it's not mine, I feel embarrassment over this since we're in such a public space. I feel this way because there are bystanders and I'm afraid of being judged by association?

Later, I'm with my sibling T in a lava area. It's implied to be UT2k4 and we can do the dodge moves like in the game. We need them too, so we can cross a lava gap as we travel through the inside of a hollowed out tree trunk, which is all carbonised. I think to myself about it being lucky that the person who made the level didn't know how to do terrain properly, because it meant that there were very flat bits, making it easy to get across safely. I remember noticing and briefly inspecting the terrain tessellation.

Notes:

- I'd recently been making a level on UT2k4's editor but I stopped working on it kind of abruptly even though I didn't consciously want to. I seemed to have stopped after remembering and feeling sad that nobody will ever play my maps, since the game is mostly dead and obscure now.
-- In that map, I finally learned how to do terrain, which is a large feature for the map.

- The lava place was atmospherically volcanic, but I don't recall any smells or ambience sounds.

- Thinking about the fact that I was only with T in the second part... We used to do a lot of things together and in the dream, I think as a person it seemed like he was more like when we were younger.

- My family never shares anything about our sex lives or anything relating to that part of life. I have always felt there's an awkward silence to all of it. The spontaneous, silly and uncontrolled situation with the toy in the dream, I think it reflects part of this.
-- On the other hand, on the few occasions I've spoken to my parents about such things I ended up feeling embarrassment, probably because it was never normalised as a topic of conversation.