side notes

I've been with N again , in some sort of unstable and surreal space , a part of it was a house , a street was there maybe?
in this dream I ended up meeting her . She was with her brother, sitting somewhere, talking about things and looking at stuff on a phone.
At a point she notices me and we try to communicate silently so his lil brother doesn't notice me. It would be too much of a bother to explain who I am.
Then I woke up. The dream was really unstable, i kept popping up at a roof then anotehr place.

It was really N, the vibe or the energy she gave off was unique. But her expression was empty, like if she still sleeps and are barely cosncious of whats happening.

My lucidity was risen a bit when I first saw her, but I did not become lucid in the end.

Okay, that's a great title but whatever. AoT means Attack on Titan (or SnK/Shingeki no Kyojin) if you're wondering. What's important about it now is that it's basically titans versus humans. (Go watch it. Contains a little blood tho. A little). But yeah, I guess being inactive here is a habit for me now. I haven't got LDs after my last DJ entry (too long ago) but I've still been active enough with my dream recalling imo. Active enough means at least one dream per day. Last week I had nine dreams in total, a week before that it was 12, a week before that...six?? And a week before that it was 13. Good enough for me. But here are my dreams from last night:

1# I was in a game. Or "game", because it's graphics were way too realistic. My dad was there too. He had made the game. Yeah. We were on a beach. It was sunny. There was only a little water where we were standing. Like, only a puddle. I don't remember if anything happened before this, but there was a whale. It obviously wasn't under water but in a puddle if even that. It was still alive. I was looking at it. It was very small compared to a real whale. It was gray, black or blue. Not sure anymore. Then I realized that you shouldn't go too near it for some reason. It was something relevant in the game. I was too late. Somehow the whale "threw" me in the air and ate me. It had a big mouth. I saw it from a third perspective so it wasn't scary. It was a game over. I think you could respawn after that, but the dream ended.

2# I was in a forest. The trees were very big. There were supposed to be titans, but I didn't see any. There were other people including my crush and some people that were his friends. There was a "hole" in one of the trees. Like a cave. That's how big the trees were. Or then we were small. There were red ladders in front of the "cave". We were analyzing if titans could climb to the "cave". Then we went inside. There were some furniture. We did...something. I'm not sure. We went outside too.

During the day yesterday I spoke with a girlfriend of mine about the consideration that have played on my mind in certain periods of my life of making sexual healing of women – a sort of glorified prostitution – a path in life. While the idea has remained relatively absurd to my conscious mind, the grain of seriousness has never really left my thinking.

Furthermore, I found during my self-love ritual tantric practice during the evening that my fantasies were no longer tied to Cecilie, but fluttered wide and far, though only with women. I recall that I was surprised at this, both in respect of finding a horniness for other women, but also in the release of attachment towards Cecilie as “the” sexual object of my consideration – as if I was freed from the shackles of having to commit monogamously to her to engage romantically and intimately, while also obtaining sexual favour.

My intentions were simply to remember my dreams, but I found it hard to fall asleep – which also led to a lengthy sexual practice prior to sleep.

Dream:

I am sitting on a train station. It is a small one, as you find in the country side. The weather is bright, though not scolding and there are other people on the station.

I am sat on a bench wearing a long trench coat. Underneath I am wearing clothes covering my upper body and nothing over my legs and genitals.

I am in a playful mood and as I watch out over the station across a hedge, I catch the eyes of a woman who is looking at me, smiling playfully. She knows “what is up” - which is really referring to my playful exploration of revealing my genitals, but which carries a stronger more direct meaning of explicit sexuality.

I look towards her repeatedly and she keeps returning the kinky mischievous smile.

Eventually the train rolls into the station, and after a brief evaluation if it is driving slow enough to actually stop, it does. The door opens and the woman and I get onboard. There is a slight distance so I rush slightly to make it.

Once onboard the woman asks me if I am a “blotter”, and I think I acknowledge, though it doesn’t take up much attention or time.

The woman now has turned into a composite persona consisting of Hanne – a Buddhist Lesbian – and Birgit – The owner of a toy shop I know very well from childhood.

We talk about her reasons for being on the train. She is headed out to receive attunement as part of her Buddhist ventures. On her lap she is carrying a printed text. On the cover is printed something along the wordings of “The fourth initiation, by Master so-and-so”.

I recall being surprised at this, as I thought there was only 3 levels.

I get up and button up the trench coat to make sure my dick doesn’t fall out and show by accident.

The main thing that grabbed my attention this morning was the number 4, which has been showing up in a couple of dreams recently. My initial interpretations and associations towards this was the 4 elements, the heart chackra and the wholeness of the quaternity in mandala symbolism.

I reflected on the homosexual nature – representing potentially suppressed desires or avenues of exploration, which I have carried out over the past couple of years with men, though not really fully – of one aspect of the composite persona – who in total is a woman, representing the anima or the collective unconscious – as well as the Toy Shop Owner – symbolising potentially a suppressed playful and animalistic aspect of my sexuality (I have recently spent many an hour talking about it in terms fetched from Tantra, such as divine union or simply as spiritual practice, which could represent a form of spiritual bypassing but also my desire to ejaculate in women – Cecilie in particular) though it could also point towards continuing the practice of using toys in developing my sexual skills.

My initial interpretation pointed towards a unification of my sexual nature with my Buddhist aspirations, where considerable conflict has recently taken place between sexual desires, as well as desires for family, intimate and romantic relations with the concept of renunciation of samsara to attain liberation.

What stroke me here was the sexual theme combined with the sacred scriptures combined with the symbolism of wholeness, pointing towards an active (playful and explorational) kind of integration between my sexual nature and desires with the quest for happiness and liberation. There is a particular focus on “going public” with this, represented in the “blotter” symbolism, which is greeted cheerfully by the anima, as a fruitful endeavour leading to a more enlightened place – represented by the scriptures and teachings.

Furthermore I reflected on the need to cultivate a more loving relationship – the 4th chakra, representing unconditional love - , not only to my own sexuality, but also the way in which I practice it with other people, women in particular – which now that I write it, is also represented in the recent dream of the “Bridge Elf” wearing orange and green, taking up 4 hours of journeying.

Looking through some of Jung’s work with sacred numbers in dreams and the Angel Number 4, some following additional interpretations occurred.

Jung also posits the number four as pointing towards “fourth function” - which is typically the repressed or taboo function – of thinking, sensing, feeling and intuiting. I am primarily oriented towards a thinking and intuitive disposition – making a mixture of feeling/sensing the taboo function. Feeling and sensing in this respect I see pointing both towards an acceptance of the more primal (non-spiritual and reproductive) aspects of my sexuality (represented by sensing, the physical aspects) and my desire, my right to feel, my wanting to take in a sexual context.

The Angel number 4 mentioned something around creating a solid infrastructure, focus in on an area of life where I want to hone my skills or reap rewards, or building a foundation of sorts. This has very much been a process as of late, aside from moving out and finding a new place to live (creating a solid foundation) I have also been focusing on trying to verbalise my competencies (dream analysis, shamanic practices and energy/massage work with my hands).

The immediate association here for me has to do with diving deeper into these three areas of my life. The vibe of the new place is phenomenal and now it is time – as in accordance with my priorities for the year – to focus on the stuff that can ensure a stable financial living. I have booted up the energy practices just yesterday – that also have a resemblance to the energy work of the tantric sexual practices. I spent many hours considering who I could approach to practice this work and also spoke with a friend about it.

In general I find myself elated with this dream, it is to me an encouragement in working in the direction I have been doing for some time. It is also a reminder for me to stop taking the shamanic work too serious and focus on what I really yearn to explore – sexuality – which makes me happy. It is not to neglect the hard work in store for both arranging practice with energy work, nor formulating the principles of therapy I am employing in my work with the sacred plants. I am curious to see how this theme progress – sexual exploration, continued work with stabilising the roots as a path towards wholeness and spiritual development.

Key:
Side Notes (Side Notes)
Title
Dream
Lucid

Two Worlds

In the Car my Dad was going to drop me off, I said "Drop me off here." closer to the school doors.
I get out my dad starts playing really loud dubstep-esque music.
I walk into the school, it looks like middle school but it's high school.
I see Celina talking to some people, I walk upstairs and someone is next to me.
We walk for a bit and then our Teacher shows up out of nowhere and pulls a lever which a monitor shows up and 50 lights appear, the monitor looks like one
you'd see on a highway that's black with orange lights.
It was a 50th Anniversary for something.
We walk into the class (looks like Mrs.S's classroom). The teacher is a woman all of the sudden, "I'll give you a hint: Candy."
Everyone is excited to get some candy, a girl thinks "I bet its cookies!"
And on a desk there is Chip Ahoy cookies so it wouldn't be out of the book.
I'm sitting next to Kevin, he tells me "I wasn't here Monday."
I told him not to worry because he was on a field trip (?).
I look at his shoes and it reminds me of Dark Matter/Black Sky Camo from COD, I was going to say "Takes a 5 kills without dying to get that."
The scene changes (still in the classroom) and there is Abraham, there wasn't much time left.
There was one last ingredient.
They found it, a small Black Cat.
Abraham kills it and let's it blood run into a vial.
Outside there are rabid humans.
Abraham lets the Blonde Chick drink it.

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That was a weird dream, I know today is the day I'll get a Lucid Dream. I'll report to you guys tomorrow. A few weeks until school starts, my Senior Year.
August 14th, 2017

Key:
Side Notes (Side Notes)
Title
Dream
Lucid

Rupert

I was at School, the day was almost over.
I saw Rupert sitting on a ledge, I shrugged it off.
Walking up the hallway which was hard because it was like climbing a hill, three kids in front of me had no problem at
this. It was really slippery.
They were talking about something, I moved to the right side of the hallway it had a railing which I grabbed.
A kid asked something to his friends but they didn't respond so I said "Yeah."
The kid looked at me weirdly.
I move to the left side of the hallway, they turned the corner.
After getting outside the School I was looking for my Bus #45, I saw it but the bus in front of it on the bus window
was Rupert sitting there.
That bus starts to move so I run after it, it went to the front of the lane.
I caught up and went in front of the bus, there's a few kids and no bus driver.
I touch the button on the steering wheel gently but it honked the horn.
I look back and a few people look annoyed and the bus driver who's in the back looks cranky.
I say "I think that's my cat."
The bus driver replies "It could be a cat that looks like yours."
I turn back and I see a Blonde-Teen Girl driving the Bus, the Bus driver seems not to care so this is supposed to happen.
The bus pulls up and gets real close to the other buses and then does a U-Turn.

Kingdom Hearts 3

I was Playing Kingdom Hearts 3 in the Living Room, I don't know what world I was on but when I opened a door there
was a character from Atlantis the Lost Empire and I was surprised, they're going to mix two worlds in one!
I got off the game and was sad that I can't play it now but, I could play it later I remembered.

College

I was at a College and it really looked like a hospital but had some educational posters on the walls.
After awhile I went home (old house) , I believe that Adnan called and had to be picked up from the college I was just at.
I went there and tried to find the college area, there was a cooking area but then I found the college area and went
to find Adnan.
Back home, Adnan tells my Dad that he's getting a ride to go home from his Father.
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My Cat, School and my Friend Adnan are definitely dream signs.
August 11th, 2017

Yesterdays “opening of the lion's gate” in astrological terms had me set some intentions throughout the day. These were primarily poised in the directions of letting go of limiting fears and beliefs, while also opening up to the power deep within me, centred around my heart and solar plexus area. I accepted to work with energy, light energy, accepted whatever life needed of me I would oblige, despite fearing what this might be.

In practical terms it involves committing deeper to the energetic and spiritual work in contributing to the world and its beings. This is fear provoking for me since it involves disclosing publicly to the world that I have strong spiritual and shamanic experiences.

Ha! In a way this forum is golden as it is a sort of cheating platform to disclose secrets and try it all out.

As of late – maybe the past 1-2 weeks I have experienced a tremendous kind of release. A release in limiting beliefs, physical fear sensations as well as attachments to concepts – particularly in the area of relationships and romanticism. I feel stronger, a resurgence in my confidence levels and a readiness to start giving more of myself to the world. It feels good saying “more” as I have also started recognising more and more that some of the voluntary conversations and modes of operating in the world for me are valuable contributions.

Well that is enough context, on with the dreams:

Dream (and waking visualisations) 1: “Sexual exploration”

I find myself in a large living room. I am sleeping on the sofa, it is my father's brother and wife's house. It is in the middle of the night and I look up on the wall towards the massive television on the wall. I know that if I turn it on there will be porn on pretty much all the channels.

I decide to turn it on, though before the image appears after having turned on the telly I turn down the volume all the way to minimum. I am a little surprised to find that there is still sound coming through, yet the sound isn't horrible so I allow the porn scene to keep running.

It is an orgy of sorts. In particular I find my attention dwelling on a guy wearing a leather hood, while he is fucking a woman lying below him as he is standing up.

I get aroused and go to the toilet to make preparations. While there I decide to try and observe how my arousal and dick respond to simply watching the porn without stimulating myself.

I wake up

As I am awake I find myself aroused and hard. I don't masturbate, but massage my perineum and find it interesting and somewhat easier than normal to circulate the sexual energy around my body. In particular I notice that I am extremely connected down the front, where I am in touch with my body.

I then start focusing on Cille. I think of her “hole in the back” and I see how there are shadowy finger marks around the hole. So I visualise and start clearing the hole with fire, ask Raphael for help to seal the hole, which I do with the opposing triangles that compose the visual representation of the heart chakra.

I further start healing Felix, if he wants to accept it of course, and ask for assistance in burning out the things he doesn't wish to see or that are preventing him from being happy and present in this life.

Dream 2: “The magical island, climbing surface and an elven bridge”

I am standing in a cave, which opens out over a big lagoon where in the middle is a small island. This island is composed mainly of steep cliff sides and a forest in the middle. Just before the main island there is a long, narrow rocky cliff side coming out of the water. The weather is bright and sunny, there seems to be a clear blue sky above the water.

An arrow appears above us, and a small humanoid figure jumps up and catches it and slaps it in the cliff side above us, there are transparent fishing lines attached to the arrow. Following an elven figure swings across the gap between the cave and the water, maybe a mile or two. The elven figure is wearing green and orange and is like a ferryman, there to swings us one by one across the water.

There is some talk about the attractiveness of the climbing cliff side – 700 metres facing the water of the island.

There is some discussion that the journey has taken too long, about 4 hours and that it could be due to the elven “swinging ferry man” can only take on one passenger at a time.

Dream ends.

Dream 3: “Lost at sea, coming home”

I am at sea in a dingy boat, lost and at the mercy of the sea. I am there with Mikkel L and we have been there for some time. It is mid day and we are drifting along the waves.

We sail past a boat, which we initially hope can rescue us, but find that it is full of refugees and for some reason it doesn't even become relevant to be rescued here.

I sarcastically remark that it would be a good opportunity to practice broadsiding this ship, opening up with all four canons on one side of our ship.

Out in the horizon, far away, I see a sail ship – looking from the silhouette like an ancient Viking ship – and a small blotch of a ship. I hope that this is ships that can assist us.

From a far distance the ship that started out as a small blotch shoots its cannons. One on one side of our boat and another on the other. I feel them as being warning shots, but I also feel afraid.

As we approach the ship I realise it is the largest one I have ever seen. It is black and probably around 30-50 metres tall from the water. I wave my arms in surrender and declare an interest in wanting to be saved, all the while I think about how nice it would be if I had access to white clothing.

Luckily the ship understands our gestures and predicaments and they start throwing down ladders we can grab onto. I find however that the ship is practically racing across the surface of the water in the opposite direction to our boat, but I nevertheless jump into the water and swim for the boat.

I can't latch on to any of the ladders, but a door just above the waterline is opened, and a wooden entry plank is pushed out and I prostrate as I enter the ship in deep gratitude.

I am met by the captain – Tim Smith – who asks me if it was Mikkel on the boat with me. I acknowledge the affirmative and Mr Smith continues to ask: “Is it true that he has a blog running about his journeys across the sea?”, to which I reply “yes” and then Tim asks “Has he written a book about it?”, “No” I reply.

Then I see pages lifted up before me in a completely different scenario, sort of a beach bar with trees and sunshine in the background. On the pages a story is being written in bright red, it seems to be a draft from the blog to the book.

Dream ends.

There are a few interesting themes at play here.

The first dream is highly sexual in nature, and incorporates both the animalistic nature – as displayed in the orgy – but also the renunciation of traditional friction based sex, as I attain pleasure through massaging my perineum and working with circulating energy. It is interesting that the man is hooded, representing a hidden aspect of myself that I have been trying to neglect – a yearning for the sexual exploration of the animalistic that I have particularly not mentioned to Cille, where I have emphasised the tantric, energetic unity aspect of sex.

This aspect of a hidden yearning to explore is also symbolised in wanting to keep the volume down, so I am not noticed as I go on with my explorations. I have an instinctive feeling that this pertains to wanting this phase of my life to remain hidden from Cille.

From an astrological point of view, this aspect of the dream seems to be an encouragement. There is an opportunity now to explore my sexual nature – again not being with Cille here being significant – in particular the more playful and kinky aspect of it. This is further symbolised by my approach towards it “wanting to observe what it does to me” rather than starting to masturbate straight away. It would seem like there is a gentle reminder to continue working towards embracing my sexuality and that it is coming up as a point of focus (which is also symbolised in the Elven figure, who acts like a bridge, dressed in Orange and Green – bridging the sexual/sensual chakra with the heart chakra.

The second dream I see a lot of myself in the elven figure. A bridge between this and that world – symbolising my shamanic aspirations. The number 4 appear, which to me could be a pointer towards the four elements – accepting the spiritual – but also 4 quadrants of the mandala, and thus the complete and fully realised self. The fact that the number 4 appears as an irritation, that the journey is taking too long, point towards a disturbing element in my current workings. This I intuitively feel is related to how I worry about financial stability – which isn't to say that it doesn't matter, but that I am spending too much energy thinking about this instead of following my heart. There is a slightly greedy element to how the elven figure charges for the ferrying, which is an affirmative of this. I believe it points towards the fact that I want to open up more towards group oriented practices in my vocational life, as opposed to individual style therapeutics.

I do find myself comfortable in the role as a bridge between worlds, serving as a guide between the somewhat disturbing emotions that can arise on the spiritual path (Orange) and in accepting and coming to grips with newer senses of identity in a loving manner (Green).

Dream 3: This pertains to my acceptance of a more spiritual and energetic mode of operating and giving to the world. I have long been caught in the emotional flux caused by wanting to adhere to both a strict scientific and fluid spiritual identity – I have been lost at sea (emotionality) and seeing refugees (fleeing my call) can no longer serve me. Again I see the number 4 – as in broadsiding the refugees with 4 canons, which again points to the 4 quadrants of the mandala – here symbolising that I am no longer in the process of fleeing or escaping my true nature or my purpose with being here on the planet.

There is an interesting theme in converting the blog/notes to a book, with the text being red as this could symbolise that financial security could come about through writing about the journey. The fact that it isn't me the journey is about could point towards the opportunities lying in writing about others, where both Cille and Nils are on the table.

This session turned somewhat long, and I would like to cut it off by at least and hour. However it is the first time in a while that I write down my dreams and adding an interpretation didn't actually take as long as I recall.

For the future group processes setting the context isn't going to be as extensive, as that will be done in process groups and dealt with through ongoing communication. Honestly 45-60 minutes of the time spent on this entry probably goes for procrastination on Facebook.

I think I can officially call myself a fanboy.



Fell asleep at: 2:00 AM



Woke up at: 8:00 AM



AND NOW, MY FANBOYISM

Alright so last night I had a dream that I was just on Youtube and I came across a video that went over the subject of "What if Sonic Boom was a 2D animated show?". I watched it and MAN did it look good.

The animation was smooth, the characters looked top notch, and body movements were a sight to behold. But due to the negative association that goes towards the Boom cartoon, there were (Of course) some hate comments.

+1 for realism I guess.

NOTES

1. This isn't the first time I've had a dream where I was using the internet (And especially Youtube).

2. The video in question was not even close to finished. The animation was there but it looked like they still needed to clean it up a bit and add some color to it.

I have recently taken up using the voice recorder for recording dreams, but in preparation for the upcoming dream workshop I will be running I will start using manual entry again. I need to get quick, to the point and sharp in sharing dream content with others, so I can be a leading example for the people I coach.

Now before I start out with writing the dreams of the previous 3 nights, which I have bullet pointed on paper there is a couple of highly significant dream I want to write up. These all pertain to the significance of the Dinosaurs, particulary the T-Rex, in my dreams, as these have heralded some pretty significant developments over the past year. In fact just sitting down listening to some of the files have sent goosebumps through my body at some of the symbolisms and messages contained in these dreams.

The first occurred during the summer of 2016, I was in full swing with writing my thesis and I had seen a blossoming of my use of cannabis, cigarettes and other kinds of addiction. As such I had started working directly with my dreams with regards exploring the reason for my smoking, or addiction in general.

I had noticed that recently a T-Rex had started appearing as a repeating theme in my dreams. Like for instance I saw him in a hotel roof top pool on 01-08-16, where I hid in a pool with a friend trying to avoid being caught – where I speculate that he is connected with investigation of smoking. Or on 08-08-16 I found myself in a dinosaur park, a la Jurassic Park, with a hole in the fence, where the T-Rex was on the inside, but I end up getting caught by a raptor and eaten just outside the park in a broken car, where I was trying to hide out. And such I started setting intentions for my next lucid dream to investigate what this symbol of the T-Rex could represent.

I don't have a record of this lucid dream where I manage to summon the T-Rex, but it occurred within a couple of weeks following the setting of the intention to investigate, before 01-09-2016, when I moved out of the place I was living and back in with my parents.

I recall being awake in the morning, to then go back to sleep with the intention to summon the T-Rex.

“Summoning the T-Rex”

I am sat in our living room. It is forenoon and I am texting M – a primary school class mate, whom I have always maintained a slight crush on. We are talking about a party and I feel I am somewhat intruding, but she end up inviting me around.

Then all of a sudden a text message rolls in from the phone company, which reads something like “We are all one, you no longer need to put in the number or contact of the person you are trying to reach it will happen automatically.” This stumbles me a bit, but I don't think much further of it.

There is a slight skip.

I find myself in a bus headed out from Aarhus towards Hornslet. I speculate on the nature of “oneness” and start feeling my consciousness drift outwards, though not quite becoming one. At one point a bus pass in the opposite direction and a choir of children are singing a song, with the lyrics “we are all one” included.

The bus drives off the high way and I find myself walking on the road below, heading under the bridge with the highway on top.

I am with my old friend Tim and we are walking together. I look up and I see a hawk sitting in mid air, which I find curious as its wings are placed alongside its body. It basically looks like it is sitting on a stick, though there is no stick there to be sat on.

Then it makes a rapid dive and hits the ground beak first right next to me, which startles me quite a lot.

We walk on, towards the bridge, past a couple of bushes on the side of the road that have purple flowers on them. As we walk a couple of smaller birds come flying straight towards my face, so I have to step quickly to the left to avoid being hit.

I start thinking to myself: “This is truly strange behaviour for birds.” and as we approach the bridge finally I see a crow sitting in one of the bushes by the side. I start looking around and I decide to look at my hands.

I become lucid and I spend a few moments stabilising the dream, and when I feel comfortable I start thinking about my goals.

“Ah the T-Rex!” I say out loud and abandon my friend to go look for him. I turn around, away from the bridge in the opposite direction and start screaming out over the fields “T-Rex, Where Are You??” but I don't get a response.

I find myself next to a crash barrier, again screaming out over the fields for the T-Rex. Then I start feeling fear, although I am also aware of it all being only a dream. So I skip back across the road and climb a small elderflower tree.

I shout for the dino to appear again and this time I get a response, though from a group of children behind the bushes of which the tree I have climbed is a part. They say “We tried calling him, he doesn't want to show up.”.

I then try to scream out for him, mimicking his roar. The Children respond in a laughing way “We tried that as well, it won't help.”

I sit for a brief second before the dream starts fading and I “wake up”.

I find myself in my room and walk out towards the living room. Outside I see a lot of plants and it is raining.

“Hang on a minute it wasn't raining when I was awake earlier” I think to myself and realise I am still dreaming.

I turn around and walk back into my room and stare at my computer screen.

I turn around, while still being within the realms of the computer game that was on the screen and look up. I find a long and narrow dirt pathway, surrounded by a fence on the right hand side and bushes on the left.

Up at the entrance – or T-cross – I see the T-Rex come sprinting around from the right hand side. I get anxious and excited as I start running towards him. It seems like the dino knows we only have a limited amount of time to complete the encounter.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN??” I scream at him as we run towards one another. There is no response, and I feel my fear rising as we continue to sprint towards one another. “WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME??” I try instead and just as we are right in front of one another and I am staring into his wide open jaws he transforms.

All of a sudden a ghost appears before me, with the limbs of the dino sprawling out behind the spectre hanging a few metres above the ground.

“Michela!?!?” I exclaim in utter surprise.

I wake up.

Michela represents a previous romantic affiliation gone sour, very sour indeed. Both in terms of the pain I felt when she left, but also because of the stressful situation I was facing with quitting my job. I awoke with a multitude of new angles to investigate my addiction to cigarettes from, which included the shame and loss of pride I felt from loosing her – the shame associated with not being able to attract a woman and keep her faithful, more so than actually loosing her being particularly painful.

A couple of months later I started on a spiritual education and at the time I was still smoking cigarettes. I started a practice of smoking without guilt and I recall arriving at the first module having spent 6 hours without smoking. I felt the physiological cravings, but I didn't feel the desire to smoke, which I found facinating.

I continued to the first module and when we arrived in the first opening sharing circle and were briefed that we would be opening up, diving into intimacy, then it hit me. I was now experiencing full on craving and desire at the same time as I was experiencing fear towards intimacy at the same time as it was the only thing I truly desired. And from this experience I recalled another meaning associated with Michela.

The next dream took place I think in the beginning of April, the first time F and I slept in the same bed, and seeing as we kissed the first time on April 3rd I believe the accurate date is 14-04-17 as this is 2 weeks after the date of our first kiss.

“Dino makes a gesture”

I find myself alone in a small and humble cabin. It is bright morning/forenoon and the sun is shining through the windows. The cabin is located in a large garden that is surrounded by tall walls in a rectangular fashion, with the cabin taking central space.

Suddenly outside I hear/feel the T-Rex approaching, and this time I recognise his presence. There seems to be a telepathic or at least non-verbal acceptance of one another, a kind of respect with a hint of fear, but this time from both parties.

I venture out of the house to see what is going on. There is a clothes line with clothing on it immediately next to the house.

I never actually see the T-Rex, but I find that after he has been circling the house he has left me a circular meditation mat against the clothing line.

End of dream.

I wake up feeling excited. I have just slept next to a woman I am madly in love with and I find that I for the first time actually like sleeping up close to her.

I experience a brief feeling of alarm, but I quickly re-frame the story positively as I tell F about the dream.

Now I acknowledge that interpreting dreams in hindsight is easier than trying to gleam out the prospective material from the time of their occurrence. However this dream theme I believe heralded a powerful spiritual lesson.

The first appearances of the T-Rex motif happened just after a relationship had developed from an intimate/romantic nature to a friendly one. In this relationship I discovered a tendency to become extremely preoccupied with me feeling responsible for the emotional state of the other. This responsibility was coupled with an elevated sense of anxiety for loosing her. However the appearance of Dinosaurs happened before.

A funny thing is that the following entry- which took place pretty much immediately after my fling (Karen) and I had started getting romantic - 08-04-16 Surviving the Ocean Quest in the desert - Dream Journals - Lucid Dreaming - Dream Views Actually occurred simultaneously with my then fling having a reciprocal dream, of being taken to the desert by frightening shadow figures that gave her the mission to gather all the animals for the ship. Now I am aware this synchronisation makes more sense to me on a subjective level – we had been practising trying to dream share, and a lot of themes in the dreams were in line with what was happening in our waking lives – however even if this is disregarded this is the first appearance of the “Dino theme”.

Specifically the purple dinos shooting an assortment of weaponry at my heart – which I at the time interpreted as a symbol of having my heart broken a couple of times in order to finally open up – seems to indeed have been at play, though increasing in complexity and meaning over the past year. Let me illustrate a bit further.

When the T-Rex and the Raptors start making their appearance, as I mentioned the relationship had moved in a friendly direction, which I told her I was OK with, but I was quietly mourning the loss I felt.

During this time as mentioned I had started seeing a rise in my consumption of cigarettes and cannabis. I felt stressed with my thesis and on top of this stress I was overwhelmed by the insights into myself and my shifting perspectives of the world through my world with Ayahuasca, and as such I sought to slow it all down a bit though the use of cigarettes and cannabis.

The Dino dreams appeared in between spouts of regular cannabis use, as I had a somewhat ambivalent relationship to this medicinal plant. On the one hand I was grateful for the visionary aspects and emotional teachings, at the other I was aware that it was stealing my dreams – although this latter aspect was sometimes a welcome aspect when I felt things were moving too quickly.

When I decided to summon the T-Rex I thought it was somehow related to my addictions, and it turned out accurate. However the transformation from T-Rex into my ex-fling added a twist I hadn't seen coming, which was the connection between addiction and love-relational issues.

From the first observation of my feeling responsible for the emotions of a lover, I immediately suspected that I was dealing with a pattern established in early childhood. Due to my parents' difficult relation my mother was always stressed and frequently displayed intense outbursts of anger. I particularly recall an episode – think I might have been 3-4 years old – where my sister and I were sat in our room on the floor and Mother comes down. She gets angry about the mess, picks up a play guitar and throws it across the room hitting my sister in the head, resulting in a hospital visit and a scar on her face. This and other incidents I hypothesise fostered the self-concept that “mother's emotions are dangerous, and I am responsible”.

Following the dream as I mentioned earlier I saw a striking connection between the fear of intimacy and my addictions, and around the same time I had another T-Rex dream, though he played a smaller part in this (as he transformed into a dragon and cleansed an entire island and evolutionary history through a fire bath). This dream heralded the cleansing phase I have gone through roughly the past year of getting acquainted with my relational fears, addressing them and letting go of old self images that no longer serve me.

During November of 2017 I had an Ayahuasca ceremony specifically directed towards examining my addictive behaviours. The themes that emerged were memories of my mother being very harsh on me playing as a boy – that she didn't have the energy required to play with me. As such I was forced to put a lid on my playful energy, which in adolescence transforms into sexual energy, resulting in great shame about my own emotional and sexual nature. Ayahuasca provided a definition of my addiction as “the behaviour that arise as a result of wanting to escape the constant narrative of self-loathing and self-blame”. The self-blame I have already discussed, the self-loathing is partly directed at the feeling that sexual and playful aspects of me are “wrong”.

I would later be presented with my dad's contribution towards the ease with which I accepted the “I am wrong” self-concept, though that will be a different story, though basically it has to do with him (a) raising me through commands; (b) never complimenting me on anything; (c) always questioning whether or not I had performed a certain task; (d) being critical on anything that deviates from the norms he deems liveable.

Let me quickly add that I love and adore both of my parents, who supports me like rocks in their own respective ways. A deep realisation on this spiritual path has been that most of the times our behaviour arise out of conditioned responses we are not to be blamed for. My parents did the best with what they had available, it isn't a question of them not loving me.

In February 2017 I met F. There was a striking explosion of energy running through my body at our first embrace and as I mentioned she is the first woman I have slept next to – we have never had physical sex – that I felt not only comfortable sleeping against, but good.

We started out helping one another with the processes of Ayahuasca, but after about a month it became clear that there was a deeper connection. It turned romantic and sensual, but a series of complications eventually led to this romantic aspect destabilising.

The T-Rex dream where he presents a meditation pillow I hypothesise – according to the Jungian notion that dreams can have a prospective, future development directed meaning – was a way for me to truly observe the nature of my relational problems.

During our romantic affiliation I started feeling insecure, as she was still entangled with her boyfriend. She had stated that she wanted him out of the house and leaving him, as well as not feeling comfortable with his touch and being intimate with him. This in my mind made him an Ex-Boyfriend and I believed that this was the path she wanted to go down, however it quickly changed into something else where it became obvious that he would be spending a significant amount of time with her, sleeping in the same bed as her.

I felt like she was manipulating me, using me to instigate changes in him so he could become a better boyfriend to her. I was confused about her pulling back when our kissing, cuddling and petting got intense resulting in us never having anything but clothes-on-energetic sex (which however was a very powerful and potent experience for both of us I believe).

Following a week at her parents I was headed to the aforementioned education during a weekend, she slept with her boyfriend. There were quasi-valid reasons for her doing so, but I felt betrayed as we had in my mind agreed to a monogamous structure, although I had been open towards a more open constellation. I ended up forgiving her, with a few demands as to how our future relation – and the one she had towards her boyfriend – should look like. Demands initially met, but quickly broken.

This started the hell ride into jealousy, romantic ideation, mistrust and pain. I went into it with full consciousness and journalled about it vigorously. I saw how I didn't have energy to do anything but wait around hopefully for a message, constructing fantasies about her activities when she didn't contact me etc.

The point is not to arrive at a blame game, I have come to realise it takes two to tango and I have been overly focused on my own workings in this process, but this has been a profitable approach – as it is indeed the only thing I can ever change.

What I saw was that F quickly became my entire world. I felt love, and I felt terrified to loose it. She became an object I perceived would be able to fulfil my deepest yearning, to feel loved and appreciated – and I clung to her, constantly trying to get the relationship defined in ways that would guarantee the safety that she would be there to fulfil my needs. I became obsessed with having sex with her, I felt that it would make up for the shameful aspect of her having cheated on me. I saw how I was feeling the familiar feeling of anxiety of her leaving me as this “is the last chance for love” and similarly that she would move onto someone else the minute someone better came around – which would be pretty quick. These last observations illuminate a self-concept totally deprived of feelings of self-worth or feeling of being worthy of love an appreciation by another human being. I saw how I through expending all my energy on worrying about her behaviour, waiting for messages became fatigued and tired and couldn't keep up work on my own projects, which I abandoned.

There is much more information to the story, but I eventually arrived at a point where we had a conversation. In this she informed me of three key things that made me realise I had to quit the contact. She felt guilty towards her (ex)-boyfriend when she was with me, that she didn't really want him to understand that it was over and she couldn't promise she was never going to want to be with him again.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done, I was in so much pain and missed her like crazy. Following this quitting of contact I started working with the last of my addictions – which is sort of a tricky one – which is the tendency to intellectualise situations arriving at a conceptual understanding of things which put me in a positive lighting. Self-centered and also grounded in placing value in the opinions of others.

Gradually as these addictions fell away I was confronted with my underlying anxiety. I never knew myself to be a person experiencing anxiety, but that was what the addictions were for I suppose. I spent a few months experiencing extreme states of panic, which included a fear of dying, a fear of being abandoned at a future dimensional shift, as well as being rejected and abandoned in a romantic sense. It took a lot of breathing and being with the fear and panic and I was incapable of performing even the slightest actions that dealt with finding jobs, new residence or worldly matters in general.

Things got better, I still experience fear and anxiety, but when I do now I don't panic and try to get rid of it, rather I breathe into it and try and understand what it is trying to tell me and it seems a lot of things are shifting within.

I am back in contact with F, I love her, love the contact and am trying to manage my romantic inclinations towards her consciously, which at present involves awareness of how desire towards a particular outcome with her (ending up n a romantic relation) can result in suffering through envy and jealousy.

To come full circle back to the dreaming the present story illustrates the process by which working actively with intention, lucidity and analytical interpretation of certain dream themes that crop up repeatedly can help bring visibility to the sub conscious processes that govern our behaviour. I went through the process alone, yet I feel that had I not been so stubborn and approached someone with knowledge in these areas I could have progressed much quicker, perhaps even saving an intimate relationship in the process.

Key:
Side Notes (Side Notes)
Title
Dream
Lucid

Where are you?

At School, our class is watching netflix, some educational videos on Social Behavior, after a few videos, the intro
to 'Scooby Doo, Where are You?' pops up. After the episode, it goes back to the main page of netflix.
We all want to watch more Scooby Doo.
I click on the name that we just watched in recent watches and the episodes came up.
Later, I went outside earlier than usual for the buses.
The buses are coming in the front.
Ms.K's there, she asks me "What'd you want?"
I say "16 Pack" she looks at me weirdly, which the look implies 'NO'.

False Lucid/Awakening

I was trying to sleep so I could Lucid Dream. (I don't know how I don't actually become lucid when I dream about trying
to be lucid)
Everything felt tingly, I couldn't move, I felt like I was sinking into the bed. (I was at the old house in my old room)
My vision covered by a wave of blue like an ocean, I open my eyes and the room is filled with water.
I wake up and look at the accounts on the television monitor hanged up on the wall. (The room changed to something more
futuristic)
Left to Right: Cassie, Demera, ____ , Lemera
I wish I had my own account.
Demera comes into the room, I tell her "I did it for you."
My Brother, Alex, asks me if I had the same sleeping experience as him which I did.
Earlier or Later in the dream (back in my old room) I was watching a terror attack on video.
It had something to do with planes, trees and a road and me talking to some middle-aged man.
I remember getting up and covering the computer screen so I wouldn't be seen.

Dragon Ball Alternate Timeline

Somekid is sucked into the world of Dragon Ball, but its different, Vegeta is King and Goku is a "Robin-Hood" like
character. Takes place a few years after two kids changed the Dragon Ball Timeline.
It says in the description "No Virus."
There were lots of Dragon Ball OCs, I saw Fat Buu but he looked a-bit different.
This team of fighters was tracking an evil Majin Buu, we're about to turn around the corner but..Suprise!
it's the evil Majin Buu.
The evil Majin Buu is Female and has a jester like outfit on.
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August 1st, 2017

This is still really fresh in my mind; it happened to me this morning at around 7:30AM. As I'm writing this I will explain my current states throughout the experience. A little back story, this was a WBTB kind of thing. I woke up this morning to make my wife coffee and breakfast, and after she left I went back to sleep focusing on lucid dreaming. I also had a really great success with a LD too! That's not why I'm posting here though.

(asleep and just exiting a lucid dream) I had a false awakening I think. I opened my eyes (still in dream) and I could not move my body really, and I didn't really want to because I wasn't ready to wake up if I was actually in my real body. A figure appeared at the door and I knew it was my wife. She said, "Hey baby," and then walked over to the foot of the bed. She seemed just out of my field of vision because I could not really see her the whole time. I knew a figure was there at the foot of the bed sitting down. I felt my feet move when she sat down, and she was putting on socks or something I presume. I was very lucid this whole time and I didn't think she was real, because how could she be? She had gone to work, and I know because of the nature of her job she wouldn't be back. I was in the same sleep position as I was in real life, and my real body almost felt like a shell. I tried rolling around on my bed in my dream and my orientation would change, but I still had an awareness that my body was still in the same position. (In real life I was laying on my side similar to fetal position.)

Meanwhile this whole experience was kind of scary because I couldn't move and there was an entity (whom my mind made out to be my wife) and I couldn't do anything about it. Moving felt like drifting through thick water, but being slowly reeled back to my real body position. I would move fluidly and smoothly, but then become aware that I hadn't moved at all. It was really interesting in the moment. I accepted the fact that I was in sleep paralysis and couldn't make anything else happen. I just calmed myself and waited for it to be over. My room looked exactly how it does in real life (minus the blurriness).

Once that FA/SP was over, Everything went black and I had a lucid experience while in NREM. Certain shapes would pop in and out. Also I remember hearing some voices, but not being able to remember what they were talking about. Then I had a REALLY VAGUE looking dreamlike experience. Picture it like a smooth fade in from a movie. Natural light and color of outside. Everything was blurry but I knew where I was and certain symbols drifted in and out. I also remember it being very colorful, and I was moving in some kind of truck on the passenger side. I was looking out the window, but again it was very vague and almost like I had my eyes fixed. I wasn't able to look around. Just had to watch passively as things came in and out. One symbol in particular was a block with a rectangular shaped hole through it. It just passed by me, and everything was really relaxing.

After all of that, the imagery faded out very peacefully and I opened my eyes in real life. I wrote everything down after trying to retain all of that.

Key:
Side Notes (Side Notes)
Title
Dream
Lucid

Soul Stealer

Maggie fell ill at Alexandria mysteriously, me and some other people went on a trip.
I remember there was something about dark clouds, red sky and lightning.
When we got back someone asked "How's Maggie?"
A tall guy looked at Glenn and told him "You did it your self?" out of curiousity. Glenn was looking down at the ground.
A black woman who looks like Mammy Two Shoes from Tom and Jerry comes out and stabs herself.
People looked on in confusion, why would she do that?
She became a ghost and went down to where Maggie was and stole Maggie's soul, Maggie did try to go back to her body
but it was difficult.
Her body was declared dead.

Me-Mow-Rue where are you?

I was at School at some kind of party, I don't remember much about the party.
Later, my Website Design Teacher (He shows up alot in my dreams, weird) told us we have to move to a computer lab.
We're at a computer lab and apparently we were taking the 'MCAs', the MCA had weird questions like:
what is your favorite FFXV games?
We had to watch a video that would help us answer these questions.
Timeskip: I was talking to Adnan, I asked him "Did you go to the party?"
Adnan replied "In the afternoon."
I said "I went in the morning and oh dude, did you take the MCAs today yet?"
He started to complain about the MCAs
Timeskip: Somehow my cat was at the school, I looked everywhere and couldn't find him.
I went to Paulson's room because I know Adnan has a class there (in the dream Paulson's class was where my American History
B class was) but there was only three people, Adnan's not there.
Class is about to start but I can skip it, it's the final hour and I have to find my cat.
I goto the Help Center and I get a brown haired lady to help me, I tell her to call all the security and say
"If you see an Orange and White Maine Coon Cat, make sure to put him in a secure area where he can't go outside."
She said "Oh with the T thing."
I noticed a map of the school and push one of the buttons, I am teleported to G_____ Club.
Meanwhile, the brown haired lady added me to the G_____ Club since I was there.
Back to me, there were these girls and this one girl told me that the buses are here and we're going somewhere.
I told them "I can't do this right now, sorry, maybe next time."
I goto the main office and am worried about Rupert, I look at the ground and there he is laying down.
Timeskip: I am in a car, Me-Mow-Rue is in the back seat.
The windows are down and I try to make sure the windows are at a certain height so he can't jump out of the car.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to worry about my cat getting outside so much it's starting to get into my dreams, more school dreams, more walking dead dreams, I will figure something out eventually.
July 28th, 2017

Key:
Side Notes (Side Notes)
Title
Dream
Lucid

"Welcome to Hell"

I was at school on the sidewalk, there was a bus in front of us.
I believe I went on it for a short while but got off. It looks like a death trap, Lexi got on, I could've warned her.
A guy gets on and he has a stereotypical surfer voice and says "Wow! Cool!"
The Bus Driver then closes the door, the bus starts to float in midair and he says "Welcome to hell." (?)
The Bus starts to squish itself and it's inhabitants. There's nothing left, it went into nothingness.
I think 'Father...' (I guess in my dream the bus driver was my father.)
Later in the dream, i'm standing at the end of the side walk. I can catch my bus, it is okay.
'Not my bus, Not my bus' I think. I wave to a bus.
All of the buses passed, a blonde haired lady appears (looks like Mrs.R) tells me "Your bus was in the back with
the handicapped buses."
She helps me find my bus, we end up by stairs by a place that looks like the Lower Gymnasium at my school.
There is this Black Kid who is exactly my height, he's naked.
I ask "How old are you?"
He tells me he is 9 and a half.

Fragment

The Fire Nation is in the dream and there was a Giant Dude. (?)
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Those were the only dreams I could remember from last night, it's crazy how 90% of my dreams are about School yet I can't recognize that as a dream sign. I think I had a False Awakening last night so i'll put that down in the Global Category.
July 24th, 2017

I've been very inactive here in the forums, but I still had some LDs (not in my DJ here) a few weeks ago. I lost my motivation after those LDs and haven't been recalling that many dreams lately. Like, still atleast one per day, but not as clearly as usually. But I'm getting my motivation back. But I'm getting my motivation back slowly. Here's my dream from last night anyway:

I'm not any character in the dream. I'm just watching it like it's a movie. There are two young boys (like 10 years old or younger). The other has blond hair and is very kind but seemed to be a little weird and weak and easy to bully on. He had a white shirt. The other has brown hair and seems more of an extrovert and stuff unlike the other, but is still propably not the most popular boy in the school. He has a white T-shirt. The boys are friends. They are somewhere near my IRL house. There are lots of detached houses there. Outside one house there's a girl and her mother. The girl is the boys's classmate and has a braided blond hair and a simple white dress. The mother is really obese and seems evil. She also has a purple T-shirt. Then there's some part of the dream where the boys deal with some code name or something. It was "LunNiMax". Really weird, but turns out it's related to the girl's name. Her first names where Ninni and Max apparently, but her surname is unknown. Then the boys find out Ninni has been murdered. The boys want to find out who did it. The dream ended very soon after that, but I felt like the blond boy might become the next victim.

I tried to put more detailing to this than usually, so that's why the text seemed quite long for a short dream that wasn't even remembered properly. I found the dream interesting and after woking up I kept thinking about it and what could have happened next, what where the murderer's motives, how did the girl and the blond haired boy die, did the boy even die afterall, etc.

Key:
Side Notes (Side Notes)
Title
Dream
Lucid

Battle on the Roof

I was at some party, Negan was there. We were on a roof.
I made an idea, I grabbed the glass that was protecting everyone from falling down to the hard ground.
Someone else did the same, I said whoever is knocked off loses (and dies). I held the glass as a shield and a stick
as a weapon. Negan is amused.
Later, a girl is pushed off by someone, the someone has her back exposed so I hit her with my stick, the stick breaks.
I sense someone behind me, I duck. The girl with a fire weapon (?) tripped over me and knocked the someone off.
She was holding on the edge, I say "Sorry" and knock her off.
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Hey guys it's been awhile, alot of my dreams have been...weird lately and I didn't want to share them. I'm happy that I got a dream that had Negan, he's my favorite character on the Walking Dead. I had another dream today but I'm not sharing it.
July 22nd, 2017

The dream leading up to this was about how one of the science teachers would stick their students or even their assistants inside of a glass box I would like to dub a the "Death Chamber" to, obviously, suffocate to death. BTW if anybody gets that reference you deserve a cyber cookie. I was thrown into the Death Chamber when suddenly it malfunctioned. I open the door they threw my in from and exit into this totally unassuming room.

I think it was an orange room with an elevator, mini sofas, and long windows. It was also on the second floor (Even though my school only has one floor). Then I start to get a strange feeling in my stomach, when I try to shrug it off, the DCs in the room say something akin to "You know nothing." I say "Don't play coy." in response and they respond like "Aw man, I thought we had em'."


I didn't know it was a dream until I jump out from the window (Attempting to jump onto a tree). But instead of falling, I float. Upwards. Then and there do I realize I'm dreaming. And I try to fly intentionally.


I flew by swimming in the air, even though I never swam in real life. So I was just flailing my arms and legs below me and hoping for the best. I also tried to fly by pointing at a specific destination and letting my body just float over there. No I cold see why everybody enjoys flying so much. I flew above a crowd of kids just to show off.


I was floating on my way to this park area with a big towering...thing in the middle of it. I try to weird out this one guy on the way over there by grabbing his attention and flying about. He was an overweight policeman/mail carrier with a blue uniform and khakis.


Anyway, I make it to this park-type area. Everybody's wearing white, the tables are white, I'm not sure but I think I even saw white flowers, and all my teachers where there. I also try fly-swimming my way around them. A few of them pay attention, a few of them don't, and some even try to talk to me. I didn't care what any of them had to say so I didn't remember much.


Here's where it gets fuzzy.


I go into my parents house randomly (My lucidity well intact) and try to convince them it's a dream. Yep. I try flying around them and my dad is like "Welp. Looks like we're dreaming.", but he isn't fully convinced. I remember to do an RC (Because I remembered if I interacted with DCs too long I'd eventually lose my lucidity) and plug my nose to breathe through it. A gust of wind blows through them and I feel extra giddy. I tell my dad to do the same, then the dream ended.



SIDE-NOTES

1. I remembered all the things to do to not lose lucidity. It actually surprised me how much information I remembered, maybe since I spent several years in and out on the whole thing.

2. I seemed to have a poor sense of vision or spatial awareness in the dream. Everything looked so "dreamlike" with colors swirling about, things that shouldn't even be there, and bloom effects. I didn't even try to explore any of the senses like touch, taste, or smell.

3. I also remembered that I had a sort of tine limit in the dream, so I was trying to make everything as snappy as possible.