non-lucid

It has been nearly a month since I have last updated my online dream diary. Many things in my life get in the way. It is so stressful dealing with Freudsters lol. Anyways though, here's all I can remember from my latest dream:

I woke up (in the dream) in a sort of disheveled van. There was a bag over my head, I could sense it, but I could still see everything as if there was none at all. Dreams are weird like that. I wriggled around for a while without actually saying anything and I hit a recall gap here. I ended up back in my old high school, a near exact image of what it looked like, but as I walked closer some people (staff I assume) ambushed me and forced me into the school, where it took on the looks of a prison more than anything. They took me outside where I was put in those striped scrubs type clothing and told to do dig a large hole in a gated part of the land. Another recall gap and I've gone inside the school. Here's where things turn weird. It's not a prison anymore; it's a massive torture chamber.

There is a pit piled high with bodies and on the walls hang people splayed open with their organs on full display. Some were still alive and breathing, not screaming or anything but alive. I could hear screams from another room over, though. I never actually got to see what was in there, because upon wandering in the torture halls I was being rushed by the staff again. I suspected I was next to be in the body pit. I ran past them and made it to a shower room, a window was miraculously open and I jumped through it wet and naked for some reason. The exterior once again became my high school and I ran out to one of the cars in its parking lot and drove off. As you can tell I had a lot of recall gaps during this dream lol. It's okay though it's still pretty interesting.

It started with a normal dream of going to work, me and me dad and his friend got off of a train, it was some kind of futuristic train station, we were going to work
Then went downstairs where the stairs were empty at times
But I was always lucid somewhat
When we got down there things were different it was like a scene from my old school life blended in
That's when I started to dig down into my negative feelings, mostly of how I didn't get a girlfriend in school in high school etc. I started to hear and see alternate stories of the same things, I became my alternate selves, re living their bitterness, or that was my dream memories, and just got deeper and deeper until I accepted death wholly or something similar to that
And then I was at home , or at least at some kind of level, with no hope and kind of consumed by hopelessness, I went out and the sky was covered in storm clouds, like multiple thick layers of cumulo nimbi only lighted by a light source high up in the sky, it was like a painting, it was beautiful,
Then I was ready, for the unknown, usually I don't engage with scenes like that in a dream or so that's what I thought, but this time I didn't give a damn
I knew there was something there, the place represented my mind my whole being I think I'm not sure,

So then I said hello? Come on take me. My voice was weak but it echoed everywhere.
And as I embraced the sky I rose up into the sky and started spinning slowly , and my whole body was overcome with this feeling of healing and comfort, and I heard an upbeat kind of ambient music and I started to have some kind of monologue about the death of the suffering, and how I set it off and someone named mark
The sky cleaned up and it was a warm blue sky and I floated there, marinating in healing energy
And then I heard my mom's voice, but it wasn't real because she is still sleeping

side note: my feet need cold water, they heat up a lot and causes me to wake up, but some cold water calms my nerves down like nothing else in the world and then I sleep like a baby

Idk if I even dreamt it , or maybe it was a nap dream??
but anyways, I think I dreamt of one of those language demonstrating youtube videos
all I remember is that the word for "what" was "aš" and I tought to myself "how strange"
and left the video

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

Staying with my mom at her house. For some reason we're sharing her bed. It is already uncomfortable and then I find that she has small stones and cristals under the sheets, for healing. They just hurt like hell. I remove all of it and clean the bed.
Then my mom is no longer with me, supposedly she died. Someone comes over to talk about my inheritamce. I say there isn't much to inherit, just the house and her clothes. They suggest there is something more and that I have to find her will before someone else does. I don't get it, but I do find some letter in a drawer. Other people arrive, I hide it.

I am attending college and currently working on an urgent work for the Portuguese class. I think I have enough time to finish my part, about 2 weeks, but turns out I hugely miscalculated the amount of work I still have to do. I have been procrastinating and the teacher reminds me how crucial that work is and I realize how late I am compared to my colleagues. I am still studying the sources and started witing one page. I find that my colleagues are actually mostly working in groups and I join one that I had supposedly previously left. Ana S. is in the group and I feel she is a bit suspicious at first about me wanting to redeem myself, but then she accepts me back in the group. The paper we are putting together is about some historical issue and then needs to be translated into a theathre play. I have a secondary role as a beautiful maid which marries a lord and gains power.
Finally comes the day of presenting the paper and the concept of the play to the teacher. Everyone is in costume and I look in the mirror to see mine. I don't just look like myself in an outfit, I am actually a different girl. Also fair skinned with big dark eyes but my hair is black, long and curly. The room has couches scattered and we sit on them as the group leader introduces our work to the teacher. Some colleague then turns on a tv and shows a video, but it has no sound. I come closer to the tv to try to fix it and then accidentsly look through a window to my right. There is a hill going down until a small town on the valley. There is a rumble and what seems like an explosion and a cloud of dust spreads up in the air above it. Everybody in the room hears and sees it and runs to take cover behind or under something. The shock wave hits us and the dust cloud is expanding rapidly towards us. At first I think it is a volcanic eruption, but then I go look again and I notice that the space is distorted. The city did not blow up and instead is divifing and multiplying, like a cell. I notice the air seems distorted around it, like a gravitational anomaly. It seems to have opened a space-time breach beause then I see more people wearing old time clothes and riding horses and some old school war going on. It seems as if the time about which we were making our presentation, caught up with us and now we're geting involved in whatever war that is going on. I see a bunch of men on horseback coming towards us. Some of us go hide and others say since we are wearing epoch appropriate clothing, we should just mingle and see what happens. I am not so sure. I get some binoculars and observe the men coming. I see a pile of bodies of dead villagers they left behind in the valley. I feel horrified and feel they'll do the same to us. The others don't listen to me, they just stay behind and wait. I decide to run the opposite direction and just hide somewhere. As I start running, I wake up with a dog howling outside.

It's been a while since my last success. This is mostly due to my sleep schedule going to shit, but I'm getting back into it. Man, even though I understand WILD enough to actually use it, it's still so hard for me. It'll get easier with time, sure, but I can't wait for the day I no longer have to do attempts just to get lucid.

Anyway, I've come to a new understanding as far as stabilization is concerned. What I feel I've been taught is happening is that by stimulating your senses, you are stabilizing the dream. I now feel like you are stabilizing yourself within the dream rather than the dream itself. I say this because I've been reflecting on my previous Lucids, and I noticed something interesting about my last one. I described the dream as Vivid but also Not Vivid. I described it this way because while the dream was visually clear enough to get me to double take, (vivid) I still felt like my other senses were dull.(non vivid) This would suggest that the dream itself was fine; it was I that was unstable.

This would also make sense because people sometimes describe the process as Grounding themselves, or Deepening. It's now my understanding that stabilizing is just part of a larger activity: immersing yourself within the dream world. Stimulating your senses helps you become immersed because you're interacting with the things of the dream, deepening your connection to it, kinda like a WIFI signal. With a stronger connection, you can do more things, and you feel your real body less and less.

This distinction is important to me because I was always looking for some kind of notification from the dream that it was stable when that was never going to happen. It makes more sense to me that it's your connection to the dream that must be strengthened, and this is why you do things to stimulate your senses. But there is one way of stabilizing that is kind of weird: just shouting "stabilization" or something like that. Why does that work for some people? My guess is that it's a dream control thing.

Anyway, I'm still hard at work trying to get WILD to work for me. I keep falling asleep :/

2022 May 9th

Some in-line notes.

7:50
Fragment:
(woke up sweating, vivid long dream)
Some build-up or something; there are aliens and we are fighting them off as a whole, but only just barely so. It's revealed these aliens are just a scouting party and they are part of a larger conglomerate of alien species. During the dream I see several different scenes just as an observer.

Meanwhile, there's chaos as a human leader, a woman with short hair, declares that nobody has rights anymore, and that we are moving into a new era beyond our conventional conception of rights. She sounds or seems delusional in some way. I think I saw her give this announcement on some TV thing, but just as an observer.

Then I'm in a town, outside. There's a modern feel to the area and the previous announcement had been broadcast on the radio, though I didn't hear this myself as a character.

There's an RPG element to reality but it feels absolutely real in every other way.

I survive an attack and fight my way into some place. I am constantly chased by aliens or possibly their machines. Eventually, I use some fast-travel mechanic. Once at my destination, I meet up with a friendly robot. It explains that this worm thing has moved to the edge of reality, it looks like a Combine alien. (In retrospect this whole bit makes me think of the original Dune film)

Normally, reality moves independently of what's in it. But being at the edge curves reality and causes this high pitch noise to be heard throughout the entire dream. And now, in it's current state, reality moves with the contents. This means there's a very big danger to existence itself and all this chaos makes it worse to deal with. (This segment made no sense at all after waking, but during the dream everything seemed to make sense; there were implied laws of reality that were taken for granted and the whole thing had a semi-mystical aspect to it)

10:15
Fragment:
(most of recall lost for needing to answer door)

In one bit, I'm this woman, a diver, and I'm coming out of some water into a house or apartment through the floor. It's night time or the house is dark, some lights are on. I'm sort of on the floor, tummy down. A TV is in front of me. I think to myself, "am I actually myself?" and then, just as I'm about to do a reality check with my hands, this other woman with curly hair comes out of a doorframe, smiles at me and we start talking. We know each other as characters. At this point I think to myself that I like her body. I still try to do the reality check, but because of the conversation and social setting, I end up not focusing enough on my reality check.

I’ve gone to a school building to hold a chess club meeting there. It’s dark, like an early winter morning before school hours, and it’s drizzling out. The layout of the building is reminiscent of the second high school I attended. I realize I’ve left my equipment in the car, but I still have plenty of time to get it and set up before students start arriving.

I’m still setting up when Coach A arrives. (He taught math there, as well as coaching track and cross country.) He’s apparently going to be here for the lesson today. The students start arriving as well, but I still haven’t got my board up. Looking around the room, I notice that I also seem to have brought my bouzouki along, in its hard case, as well as a Jolly Roger on a short staff (which, in retrospect, was maybe the first sign that things were about to get a little weird).

I hang my board in the front of the room, but some students say they could see it better in the back, so I move it there instead and begin the lesson. I start with ladder checkmates, asking whether anyone is already familiar with them. Some are. I continue, but Coach A comes in with an explanation of his own which seems to be a bit of a digression. I’m not really happy about his presence, but he does work here, so I just have to work with the situation.

In what follows, I give a version of the lesson which is recognizable, though a bit twisted in places, explaining how the rooks work together to trap the opponent’s king on one side of the board – I recall comparing the rooks to clumps of dough around the king when the checkmate has been accomplished. I’m aware that this seems to be taking an unusually long time, and most of the students who would really benefit from it aren’t here today, and at this rate I don’t know if I’ll have time for the rook and king checkmate, too.

I then proceed to explain the checkmate again, in a different way, by launching into a long, elaborate story about a man who is walking along the street one day, minding his own business, when he finds himself closed in by an impassable wall. He tries to escape, but he is already trapped, and the walls keep getting closer and closer without there being anything he can do about it. The visual aspect of the dream is now the story’s events rather than the classroom. I can’t remember many of the details now but you can probably get a good idea of what it was like by watching a video on ladder checkmates and then reading Kafka’s The Trial.

-24.5.22

Boat on a Stormy Sea

I’m at an event taking place in a large, white tent, with people sitting at long tables in rows. I can’t remember the earlier part of the dream any longer, but at some point, a man on some sort of machine, kind of like a large tractor/open tank, bursts in and starts threatening people while riding up and down the aisles. He doesn’t actually seem to be trying to hurt anyone – yet – but it’s clearly a dangerous situation, so I head off to prepare properly before taking care of it.

I go some distance away to a much smaller tent, where my own things are, and start by tying my hair back since that thing has exposed moving parts on it, and I want to be able to get close to it without having my neck snapped. While I’m getting ready, I plan, although I don’t think this will be very complicated. I figure I’ll just jump on and start messing with levers. But I’ll want to take out his grapply thingies first so he can’t just move them back.

When I’m done, I go back a different way, past some fairly large buildings. The area is reminiscent of a university campus, and life seems to be going on normally here. A woman holding a number of small cards approaches me, wanting me to draw one. I do, knowing that she’s trying to help in some way. The cards are made of cardboard and are of varying sizes, as if they’re from multiple decks. I draw one which turns out to have a picture showing a boat on a stormy sea.* There’s accompanying text – I’m aware of having to focus more than usual in order to not instantly forget it (although, unfortunately, I did forget it between then and awakening). I take this as a positive sign. It also somehow suggests to me that it might be a good idea to see if I can get some of the other people in the tent to help out regarding the grapply things.

* Note: this is the symbol for chords with dominant function in the app I use to practice improvising, which is something I was doing the night before this dream.

13.5.22



Cemetery Campsite

I seem to be camping in a cemetery. Another tent is staked a few plots down – a mother and a young boy, who's three-ish, are staying there. I wonder whether I should tell them they’re camped on one of the graves that’s supposed to be haunted.

We eventually do meet up somehow, and I show them the way to a local bank at her request. She meets with a couple of her relatives there, including an older woman who reminds me of somebody I know, who is looking after the child (who I now know is called Eliot) while she does something there. Eliot suddenly runs out of the building, and the woman follows, chasing him. I think she may need some help though, and so I wait around the opposite corner of the building and catch Eliot as he rounds it. He immediately starts crying.

Sometime after that – back at the campsite – the woman has given me a bone with some meat on it to cook over a small fire. However, as I hold it over the flame, I notice there’s hardly any meat there at all – just a couple little scraps.

Upon awakening, I also remembered a piano ostinato playing – not as a background of the dream, but as if it had somehow been going through my mind at the same time, apart from it. I didn’t check the pitches soon enough after the dream to be able to put it in a definite key, but this is what it sounded like:



-15.5.22


Lots of interesting dreams lately. I'm not going to copy them all here, but highlights include:

-Preparing for a chess match against a guy who likes to send his bishop in for a sacrifice on the f-pawn early in the game. I find this annoying and intend to make sure, through my own choice of moves, that this is not going to be an appealing option for him.

-Lots of hostels and hotels.

-Attending a concert on a campus but leaving after my rowdy friends got kicked out since it’s not really worth being there without them.

-A lucid dream mostly consisting of talking to people and exploring.

Attached Thumbnails

 

I haven't posted in a while since I've been forgetting a lot of my dreams. Here is a recent dream fragment I had.

I was in one of those awful Native American "gift shop towns", those places tourists go to buy stuff that spits in the face of indigenous cultures you know? I'm pretty sure this one was Cherokee. There was a building that was really tall, like a waterslide looking thing, where there was a line of people waiting to get "air cleansed". It turns out this air cleansing was just hooking a car exhaust up to the room and slowly letting you die. Something else happened that I don't remember and was definitely nowhere near as interesting. They should put those in the towns in the waking world.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

I think I am watching a movie but I feel it is real. There is Paul Rudd, but very muscular. He is dying of cancer and decides to be criogenized and be woken up in the future, hoping to be healed. For some reason I join him in doing so. But the future in which we wake up is so weird. There is high tech stuff, but socially it regressed quite a lot. It is ruled by petty people and controlled by mafia gangs. I am put in a building about 20 storeys high with no elevator, shared bathrooms at each floor and tiny apartments less than 50 m2. And for some reason, some mafia guys want to kidnap me. One day I am afraid to go to my apartment as I have reasons to believe they might be waiting there for me. But I need to pee, so I enter the building and go the floor below mine and use their toilet. Some nice people from one of the apartments are having a get together with friends and they invite me in.
And there were a lot more details but I forgot.

I have a very mildly recurring type of dreams
its always about a train trip to somewhere
the first ones were ok, nothing really unusual
I saw some plains, steppes, it was nice

This time it was different
I was going to Vienna for some reason, some kind of event idk
but I didnt book at any hotel , so I thought I'll have to survive on the streets for like few days
anyways I got on
it turned into something like a rollercoaster but with trains
there were jumps and hoops sometimes
one particular case I remember was that the train went under a bridge
made a jump the an ollie, the whole train was gliding on the tracks sideways
then went back to normal
I was really scared for a moment
the train conductor didnt even flinch, like if that's a normal part of a train trip

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

Waiting for my mom outside some empty store. Seems like a bankrupted travel agency. Inside it, there is a couple behind a computer working on something. There's some supports with some advertising outside. I grab a leaflet and I kinda break the support and then I struggle to fix it. Meanwhile the couple inside noticed it and is looking at me with blaming eyes, but they don't say a word. I say I am sorry and stop trying to fix it. Then the guy gets up and walks towards me to say it's ok. Embarassed, I go meet my mom who is next door with some old coworkers, instead of waiting here. They are debating that they want her to lead them into a strike and legal fight as she did decades earlier sucessfully. She declines several timas but they persist. I am feeling disturbed and want to leave. I am bored to death and my stims are about to explode. But she says she can't and aks me to wait outside the room they're at. I look around the building and besides this room, everything else looks basically like a damp basement with endless corridors like the backrooms. I go explore a bit and at some point it gets really dark and the corridor is very narrow. In the dark I encounter "the smiley" entity. I punch its face and it is made of metal. I grab it and throw it against the wall, over and over until it is crunched and unable to harm me. Then I walk back to a more illuminated area but I am chased by two other entities. They look like crash test dummies and they are made of hard rubber. I punch them too, but to no effect. I am about to be subdued by them and see a third coming over, when I finally manage to escape to the main corridor I came from originally. I find another strange moldy and smelly room with people living in sub-human conditions. They lie on wooden bunkbeds like the ones on nazi concentration camps. They are dirty and scared as if prisoners of the entities that control the corridors. Some kids ask me for my help changing a babie's diaper. I agree. But the baby isn't humam, seems more like an entity itself, a living doll. Doesn't seem harmful though, so I help taking care of it.

I seem to be staying with a large group of people in a sort of vacation rental house. It’s late night, early morning, and having woken up, I’ve checked on the cats to make sure they’re still here, where they’re supposed to be. (I notice at some point that I’m not wearing pajamas, but an olive green cargo vest over a multicolor shirt, which strikes me as a little odd.) The cats are fine, but it looks like other people are up and about as well – the other young people there seem to be gathering together in an unused room, and there’s an atmosphere of anticipation, as if some spur-of-the-moment plan is being put together. I don’t really feel like going in to see what’s going on, though – I walk past to the bathroom down the hall.

After that, somebody actually comes along to invite me to join them, and there’s a jump to another location, this one outside, along a street of what seems vaguely like a small city. We’re near an ice cream vendor and his cart, and somebody has apparently managed to get a really good deal on a large quantity of ice cream. The man scoops different kinds out and hands it over to the people who are also out here now. An older man explains to me what’s going on: everybody is planning to travel together to Prague to see the Pablo Neruda museum. (This places the location firmly in Dream-Prague, as no such thing exists there, as far as I know.)

He has a picture of it, like a newspaper clipping in black and white showing the front of the building, which strikes me as familiar. There are four odd statues out front, roughly human-shaped. One seems to have a head the shape of a crescent moon. The man states that the museum is located in the Place of Right. This confuses me for just a second. Then I tell him that the name would probably be something more like “Law Square” or “Legal Plaza” translated into English. My memories of the place suggest that the association with the law comes from a former era and is not representative of the present-day location, that it’s located near the Mala Strana area (possibly by association with Nerudova Street) or a bit south of that, and that there’s a Gothic tower in the square as well as the museum.

All of us are in Croatia, and I’m not sure if I feel like traveling all the way to Prague, especially since I visited the museum relatively recently. But it would be an interesting experience in its own right, traveling there with all these people. And maybe they could use someone who knows their way around there. Somebody brings me a cup of ice cream, white with flecks of chocolate or cookies in it. I take it. I don’t really like ice cream that much, especially not first thing in the morning, but it would probably just sit there and melt if I refused.

-12.5.22

Cliff

Was climbing on some crazy rocks. Made the mistake of looking down and it was a crazy drop.Started panicking then the dream ended.

Family

My family came to visit me in canmore... They thought I was gay for some reason. It was extremely uncomfortable.

Jamie

Vague split second sex dream...

Lucid

Had a power nap. Was in a vague dream and lucid instantly. I was walking in a never ending house. I kept calling and intending to find Jamie. Eventually entered a room that seemed like hers or that her presence had been there. Went down a stairwell which led to another hallway and another stairwell. Randomly ran into some guy from work then I was at a mcdonald's.

2022 May 8th

Fragment:

Something like NMS. Flying through space in a system of a few planets. There's a Dyson sphere surface (like in FL before entry) and there's a planet which just seems to be melding or embedded with the sphere surface (which in itself appears impossibly flat). Something feels slightly trippy as I start to warp towards this planet.

(recall gap)

Border control place, at an Arabic-looking kind of building. Some kind of ID is needed to enter this place, which is an unspecified foreign country.

(recall gap)

Then I'm in a drawing class. Feels like college but with a mix of university too. There are photocopies of classical Roman-themed drawings which are sitting upright on a conveyor system and going around the classroom. I'm late to the class and don't get a brief and such. I start trying to draw based on one drawing of a gladiator down on the floor, the composition is focused on his head, wearing one of those brass helms. (Like in Jean-Leon Gerome's "Pollice Verso")

I get about halfway through drawing this with a BIC pen and then somebody takes away the reference drawing I was using. I get annoyed by this and I try to simply wait to get it back and make attempts on my own to continue my drawing but it seems like it's not going to happen. I try to ask my tutor V for help but this doesn't go so well because he's trying to talk and me and others keep interrupting him and he forgets where he was with it, so he never really finishes circling around to any of us.

Then the class is ending and my drawing remains unfinished, even though I'd been trying to make do without the reference. As people are leaving, someone takes the drawing I was working on, though I don't realise at first. When I do realise, I get annoyed and a bit frustrated by how everything was going.

I just can't find the drawing anywhere and assume someone stole it. V and JC were waiting for me to finish looking because V was offering to give us a ride home and now they've been waiting a bit too long and just leave without me. It's now night time outside and there are other people around, so I am unable to distinguish who they are or where they went, in the dark.

At this point I try to reverse time, without much fine control over how much time to reverse. The dream ends after a failed attempt where I reverted time too much, I think.

Notes:

- The main "trippy" thing about what was going on in the first segment was more or less what I could only ever describe as a feeling of dread when I first played some games like FL and when I experimented with placing planets and objects in such ways that the effect was so unnatural and which meant that when physically navigating these instances in a ship created a feeling very much like a fear of unknown and a sensation like falling. I can't really describe the effect on me too well because it has always felt particularly unique and I've never heard any special term for it, so weak comparisons are the best I can do.

- I haven't thought much at all about something like the mentioned gladiator's painting for quite some time, though it is definitely amongst my favourites in paintings of such styles. The closest thing I can think of right now that has any associative resemblance would be thinking of a hairstyle for a character for H.
-- The other aspect of this in the segment, is that the drawn reference of the gladiator that I was looking at was exceptionally well drawn and originally in graphite. The dead gladiator's expression was that of shock, looking sideways to his right, which relative to the position of his head would be "up". The point of view was at eye level to the dead gladiator and there was a fracture or some other kind of damage to the helmet. I distinctly recall there being chainmail under his helm.

- The whole atmosphere to the drawing/college segment was one of a transitional phase, much like university actually had been. There was some dedication on my part but I was still not "in tune" with all of it. Although I do not recall exactly the quality of my own work too much in this segment, it wasn't too far off the original drawing I was looking at for reference. Symbolically, as this had the feel of a transitional phase and there are aspects of hindrances and frustrations, this is likely related to some of my current issues, which are not with some external factor this time but with an internal one, since it reflects the seriousness I want to put in while also reflecting something of myself to be lacking, with regards to having the required drive to push myself along where I want to go. (I am not feeling able to adequately express the sentiment of the relevance of this to myself right now)

- Again this dream shows a strong symbolic element relating to three principles; individuality, group and collective, which seem to be strongly recurring elements at present, or perhaps my mind is much more focused on noticing this type of recurring element lately.