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The whole dream i was trying to pick up two different babies. They were heavy and I could not support their heads properly. I was getting really frustrated at my fail, and was worried I was going to hurt them while trying to lift them.

The second dream was AWESOME and I forgot what it was instantly after waking

The third one was really strange. I think I was directing a scene from the matrix (one that is not in the movie {but check the bonus features XD LOL}) Morpheus had to lay dead in the middle of a strange grated metal room and I was instructing him how and where to lay. Then we were setting up noir esque lights. His key light was completely focused when they turned it on. It struck his face and he said "ok, it is a bit hard to be dead with that light." We laughed and fixed the lighting ratio. Then I told Neo his blocking. He was to walk all the way around Morpheus an sit at a stool at his feet facing away from him. We ran it a few times and I woke up.

Good morning, everybody.

Dream #1

A young version of Ozzy Osbourne reclined in a longish chair. The young Ozzy had long hair and a kind of big pot belly. Ozzy wore a long, white cotton dress that may have had a patch of black on it.

Ozzy either said or thought, "The greatest shall be least, and the least shall be greatest." He might have said this with my voice or thought it as if he were thinking it through my thoughts.

Dream #2

I was looking down to a baby that sat on the floor. The baby wore nothing but a diaper and may have been playing with some toys.

I looked up and saw that I was in a video store. The store kind of reminded me of a Hollywood Video in my hometown. There were rows and rows of shelves of videotapes. I was amazed at how huge the place was.

Dream #3

No vision. I had the thought, "I might take a book with me."

Dream #4

A black man stood before a reception desk in some kind of lobby. The desk and walls were designed to look like they were made of wood. But the color was so strange -- a kind of greyish, purplish brown that everything seemed to sink into. There may also have been a column of the same color near the desk.

A black woman sat behind the desk. She asked the man if she could help him. The man replied in a gentle, slightly high-pitched voice, "Service desk?"

Dream #5

I was in a room with a woman and a man. The room felt like a hotel room or meeting room. It was bright with natural light, which was probably yellowed by the room's fluorescent light. I sat in a wooden chair, like for a dining table. The woman sat off to my left, possibly sitting in a bigger chair or possibly even sitting on a small coffee table. The man sat on a couch that seemed to be made out of white leather.

I couldn't see the woman, although I think she was young, maybe in her 20s. The man was older, maybe in his late 50s. He was kind of short, but strong-looking. He had tough, tan, slightly wrinkled skin. He had white hair that was a little wiry, though it was arranged well. He wore khaki slacks, a navy blue blazer, and a pale blue dress shirt.

I had apparently been complaining to the man about something. He asked me if I wanted him to talk to ----- about it. I said no, that that didn't seem like the right person to talk to. It may have seemed like talking to that person may have struck me as making too big a deal out of the situation. But there was a different person I thought we could talk to.

The man was disappointed in me for not wanting to take his suggestion. Before I could even tell him about the other person, the man stood up out of the couch. I was standing as well. The man said, "Bah!" And shoved past me, heading out the door.

I read on this forum somewhere that going to bed hungry or thirsty can improve dreaming. I was really hungry when I went to sleep, and I can definitely confirm that my dreaming was very clear, vivid, and realistic. Unfortunately no lucidity though.

We move into a small flat but it feels to be like it's only a temporary arrangement because I am still actively looking for a better one. I think this is partly to do with the fact that it's haunted, mostly the shower. I hear that the one across the hall is becoming free, and I happen to catch the end of a flat viewing in action. The realtor is a man with dark hair, eyes and Mediterranean looking skin, dressed in an expensive looking grey silk suit. The realtor asks if I was one of the persons registered to look at the flat, and checks his list. My name is on it. I am relieved because I don't remember registering.

He tells me this flat will go fast and leads me in through the door. I am struck immediately by three things, one by how huge and spacious the flat is, how oddly decorated (wood panel everywhere but modern looking) and also by how the realtor tries to molest me as soon as we get in the door. I push him off, no longer disturbed, now eager to take some video of the flat on my iPhone for my man to look at later. The realtor seems to imply that he will favour my application if I do him some favours. I push him away again, and begin my tour of the flat.

It's almost like the walls are made of what looks to be the inside of a cave, together with the modern dark wood panel on most of it as well as the floors. It's beautiful. We go downstairs and it's more cave like, with stalactites and everything, but they are subtle and look very much like they fit to the flat. I ask how many kids the previous tenants have and he tells me they have 5, with one on the way. He tells me he wants the baby.

We arrive at a kind of in flat delicatessen store. There are a few people milling around in there, one middle aged man stops to talk to me as I finish up the video. My son is being a bit of a brat and the man suddenly smacks his head against the wall as if to punish him. I'm horrified at this stranger's cruelty towards my son, and I proceed to flip out on him. The realtor reveals that the man is not only the current tenant, but also his brother, and I should go easy on him. The blow out passes and I dreamskip to asking how much the rent is on the flat. The realtor tells me it's 549 warm. I don't bother to fill out an application because it's too expensive for us.

I leave to go home to deal with my haunted shower.

From 4/22/11

While listening to 60 minutes delta binaural audio
Body kept jerking, releasing energy and/or resisting releasing
Discomfort, feel sick (am getting sick, a cold I think…yep, I can confirm this days later)
The pads of my feet hurt
Want to turn my head and sleep
Visuals coming and going


Then I do FFEDCIDA practice (Face, Feel, Expand, Dissipate, Coalesce, Integrate, Decide, Take Action)
(I want to add "simultaneous opposites combining"; it feels like it belongs around expanding, dissipating, and/or coalescing)

Muddy orange color
In large geometric pattern in my stomach
Like a cube but more complex, diagonal layer
Unfolding, shifting, almost clunking but that’s not the right word

Thought of being sick as a baby, when I was so sick it scared my mom
Out of control, discomfort, nothing to do, angry at being controlled
Angry and helpless and fucking pissed

Anger dissipating – fast, whirlwinds out
Into nothing, blackness?
It feels like the blackness is almost closing in on it, eating it

Fear…of that blackness, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit
Opulent white swirling energy I used to use when I did massage and subtle energy work to surround myself reaches up and twines with the orange
It feels right
Twining, like oil and water, such different energies. The orange static, the white multidimensionally hued, shifting around, how will they come together? I watch.
What is that white energy? Gratitude, it seems.
Deep gratitude like in the last lucid dream.
It is coming together
This lasts a while

The energy straightens into brown, tree-like texture
Logs almost
But hollow
One settles across the back of my body at my shoulders, holding them strong
Two more down my torso’s sides
Strength
Body feels healthier
Whole body jerks, back arches
One has settled in my spine, up my neck?

Feeling grounded
After getting up, I recalled that when I had used that white swirly energy as a protection when I did massage and energy work, I also put a shell up around it that looked like the texture and color of those logs. I think I got some backbone back.

Apparently anger and gratitude can be a powerful mixture. Mixture isn’t quite the right word, it is as if they partially combust and transform when mixed to make something new. I’d say alchemy but that just sounds too hooey.

not that this whole thing wouldn't to most people.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

This is a complete but rough draft
From a couple nights ago


Spirituality's Just a Clunky Flashlight: Surprise Gratitude

I wasn’t expecting to have another lucid dream. Not since I did the other night after probably years of not remembering a lucid dream. I wasn’t even particularly focused on it last night, I was more interested in the emotional processing of dreams I’ve been remembering.

Before falling asleep, I went into the deepest meditation I think I’ve experienced before. During this meditation I was using audio with delta binaural (as well as other aspects) for the first time. I had used the demo before, before falling asleep and having the first lucid dream in this journal. That was the first lucid dream I remembered in a long time and it happened maybe 3 nights before the lucid dream in this journal entry.

There were many exceptionally vivid visuals that arose during the meditation. I kept coming back to my breath, but sometimes would just give in to the feeling of witnessing instead, feeling like why focus on the breath if that’s not the real point? Being the Witness is. Then I would lose my deeper connection with witnessing and come back to my breath. Cyclic.

I finished the meditation, rolled on my side, and meditated a bit without audio. I jumped when my name and something else was said in my ear. It seemed like a loud voice because of my stillness, but it was a whisper as if coming from a man, a lover, behind me. It was just so real and audible that it startled me.

I fell asleep normally, not trying to WILD or whatnot.

My mom in the living room, then in my room. Us conversing throughout this. Having the sense that I’m both in my living room and in my bed asleep simultaneously. She kind of giggles at me. I wonder if she’s there with me or not, if I’m hallucinating or something. She comes to my room and I’m only there, not in two places at once anymore. My window is open and there is a breeze. I ask her to close it for me; I don’t want to get up. She starts to close just the blinds and I ask her to close the window as well. She does. (Was some man coming toward the window, flying?)

I thought, this is a dream.

Darkness, vague sense of my body and no surroundings, as if I had my eyes closed in the dream. A strong, turning slowly in bed sensation. I couldn’t control it. slowly, over, over, tipping the sensation of falling at the same time. The slow shift ended.

Walking, it is rather dark around me, a kind of muddy and empty yet dense darkness, like mist. Around something, turning, perhaps it was a small gate that I walked around.

The dream felt very ordinary. Almost disappointing.

meditated for a few breaths but then

wanted to experiment with other things

Asked to see my higher self (I don’t think I reflected on the forum thread specifically, but knew it was something I wanted to do.)

A muted gray "wheel of fortune" with different faces on it, spinning slowly. alternating panels of dark grey and darker grey. Thought it was a very fitting image for how I conceive of a higher self intellectually.

Kinda sorta looked like this

Seemed somewhat boring, too intellectual.

I asked to see what I “need to see”. saw a white light in nothing, black background.

Questioned what I was seeing, like, this? Thought of typical images of god as light.

After waking I thought of the similarities to Alex Grey’s God sacred mirror painting. Similar colors.

I looked for depth in the light but it seemed kind of boring. Again, too intellectual perhaps. On reflection, was it the center of that higher self wheel?

After thinking it was boring, another light moved into my vision as if responding to my thought. I realized it had been there but I hadn’t seen it. It was so bright when I started to focus on it. I questioned that this was really what I needed to see, thought I was just making it up. I reflected on the light being there all along, but I hadn’t seen it next to the dullish moon-like first light. The bright light fell onto the dark ground next to me. It clattered and I saw it was a flashlight.

I guess I dismissed it, that is the feeling I have after waking, and felt joy at being lucid in the dream world

I took a moment to feel gratitude and amazement at this lucid experience. I remembered a show I’d seen the other day about dreaming and how the brain comes alive with activity more than at any other time. I saw that clear image of the brain and nervous system pulsing with activity, inside my body. Deep, shimmering, pervasive gratitude hit and filled me.

Similar to the end of this video.

I felt grateful for being in this state and a deep appreciation and almost affection for my body for allowing it. It felt like this state was healing me. It was that awed, blissful feeling in dreams that I desire to experience more.

I looked around and saw a lit up tunnel in the dark distance, like a tunnel for cars. I decided to try to conjure something. What popped into my conscious mind was a baby and I immediately tried to conjure one. (Odd because in waking life I don’t feel much desire to have a baby, though I love to be around them.) The attempt at conjuring was so quick, it seemed to step on the heel of the thought of a baby. I wanted to give it love and feel its love.

A cat had already been walking up to me. Small, solid, short haired. I concentrated on changing it and a baby’s light transparent image superimposed over the cat for a second but that cat wasn’t going away. I thought about learning more about dream control and gave up on the baby thought.

The cat talked in a witch’s type voice. (Funny, now I remember that I had been listening to Ken Wilber the day before this dream and I’d thought about Ken’s voice being grating and nasal, kind of like a witch.)

The cat seemed sinister.

I picked it up, being careful not to hurt it. Held it like a baby, then shifted it into a more upright position. I thought of it being like Chaos, (my loved and peculiar cat that died a few years ago,) but no, not Chaos.

The physical sensations in this dream were very obvious. The light breeze, the cat against my chest and under my hands.

The cat said it wanted a kiss in that same crackling, grinding, deep yet high witch’s voice. I wasn’t sure if it would hurt me or not. I took its face in my hand and held its mouth closed and gave it a kiss.

I remember its teeth and the feel against my lips.

I was afraid of being bitten (the only times I’ve remembered feeling intense physical pain in dreams was when I was bitten. It has happened twice.)

It was talking like it wanted to hurt things. I kind of tuned it out while I tried to decide what to do. I thought it was talking about wanting to hurt a baby and other darkness, I could hear it but I was only half-hearing and half-aware. It kept talking on and on.

At some point I flew low to the ground

That tunnel, somewhat lit, going into it. On my feet now. The cat still in my arms. Did I put it down? I think so.

Fear and darkness, though I wasn’t completely overcome by the fear. I remember looking down to the other end of the tunnel.

The dream changed

Walking slowly through an office
many people at desks in this main room
one man I identify with emotionally as I walk by is creative
he is conjuring a model/landscape of buildings on his desk that rise up slowly and gracefully

much like the Game of Thrones intro.

The young man seemed very creatively developed but he felt stuck and repressed.

I felt myself fading out of the dream slowly, into nothingness. Nothingness for a bit. I hoped I wasn’t coming out of the dream. Heard a sound, realized it was like breathing. I still felt like I was sleeping. Still. Then I tested my breath, tried to change its rhythm slightly and felt the change, felt the air going through my nose like when I meditate. damn, I’m awake.

This dream helped me put my finger on that feeling of bliss that I’ve experienced in dreams many times that is so profound and just expansive and freeing. Gratitude. And appreciation. A deeper love than egoic love, though it is kind of like the feeling of when you first fall in love and everything is vibrant and feels like you’re bursting.

So this is what gratitude is. Fuck. I want to be grateful more! LOL. I’m grateful for wanting to be grateful, even.

So strong. I’m going to practice bringing that into my walking life.

I just felt some gratitude while saying that and it warmed my stomach (where some deep emotional knots are). Gratitude. Wow. God and gratitude seem the same at this moment.

Reminds me of a woman I know who is so vibrant so much of the time. Gleeful in a grounded and beautifully feminine way. She showed me about being feminine in a positive and not fake way, truly feminine. I’d tended toward being a tom boy before that. Well, I still do but I also appreciate that exuberant feminine side.

Now I want to love. Everything. (Dammit, bring back that creepy cat!)

It feels like the gratitude for my body and brain lit up with lucidity was what I “needed to see”. A roundabout answer to a question I wasn’t sure how to ask. Being grateful, I feel in a sense like my higher self, as discussed in the thread.

Since that dream I’ve researched practices in gratitude. Tonglen and others have appeared. My main focus is bringing it to all of my life (waking, dreaming, lucid, all). Now, can I be grateful while being with that cat or other similar darknesses? Yes, I’ve experienced that to degrees. Experienced gratitude along with protective boundaries simultaneously. I don't want to get stuck in "blank gratitude" – not consciously to the extent that I’d hurt myself with it.

The emotional tone of the gratitude in the dream and that came with me into waking life is hit on in the tone of this song.

Nothing In Between by Stuart Davis

Nothing In Between by Stuart Davis

Spoiler for Lyrics:

There is nothing in between us when we sleep
Every night the bliss begins to leak
Nothing in between us when we laugh
it’s something that our head will never grasp

It’s seen in between

There’s nothing in between your joy and mine
It’s all a lot of nectar on the vine
Joy is how my parents were entwined
and there’s nothing in between their lives and mine

We’ve seen

There’s nowhere to hide in the open Reality
Love is so wide, there isn’t a boundary
There is only one eye without any enemy
when you’ve seen in between

There’s nothing in between our skin and light
Nothing in between the wind and kite
Nothing in between our lips and grace
Nothing in between the tongue and taste

It’s seen

(Refrain)

There is nothing in between you and I
Nothing in between blue and sky
Nothing in between us and love
Nothing in between wings and doves

(Refrain)

There is nothing
in between

8-3-06

I think what I said in yesterday's post is true. After writing in my journal and getting lucid dreaming back on my mind, I had a lucid dream. Plus my night was full of many other dreams that I remember quite well. This was my best night of dream recall in a couple of weeks--about the time I went away and stopped writing in this journal.

My Lucid Dream

It started with me being in a room that I didn't recognize. Suddenly Jeff walks in with a kitten.

[Note: This is the same kitten I saw in real life two days ago. This was an odd thing, so I'll share it. I was walking in to Safeway and right inside the door was a little Native American boy 4 or 5 years old with a kittten. He was sitting on the floor and swinging this kitten around quite roughly by its front paws. I stopped in alarm and was about to say something. But I didn't have to because I had walked in the door at the same time as a German couple. They saw the same thing and started scolding the boy in German. Even though he wouldn't have understood the words, like me he knew they didn't approve of what he was doing. He stopped swinging the cat and held it to his chest. The German couple and I then slowly walked further into the store, wondering what this boy was doing without parents in a big store with a cat and no one seemed to care. It was really odd and I probably should have done a reality check. ]

Anyway, in the dream Jeff had this same kitten and it was quite injured. He had it wrapped in a bloody blanket. I took a closer look at the cat and saw that it was really cut up. Its abdomen was actually cut open and it looked like someone tried to stitch it up but did a very poor job because it was pulling back open. I realized that the cat couldn't possibly live. It was too hurt. I was about to tell Jeff what I thought when I looked back to where the kitten was and saw that it was suddenly a baby. A real baby. I was now quite alarmed. We had to get this baby to the emergency room now.

But then I suddenly stopped. I knew the baby had been a kitten a minute ago. How did it change? Could it be that I was in a dream. Yes! I was finally having a lucid dream again after I had not had one for a while. But I still felt this need to take the baby to the hospital. There it was in front of me looking so real and helpless. But I knew that if I was in a dream, then the baby didn't actually exist. So I pulled myself away and started to float. Yes, that was proof enough that the baby didn't need me. I floated higher, then suddenly felt myself slipping away. Dang it, I was about to lose my dream.

But I suddenly popped into a different place. I was now in my old house in Los Angeles where I grew up. I flew out the front door. I wanted to really enjoy this experience. I turned on my back and flew feet first, letting the wind blow between my toes. It felt so nice and relaxing, yet exilerating. I turned back so I was flying the normal way.

I looked around me the colors were so bright. I could see the details of the houses below. I saw the playground of my old elementary school as I flew over it. I saw some fog ahead I was going into it. I thought, "This would be a perfect opportunity for scenery change. I'll come out further across the United States so I can go somewhere I have never gone before".

Sure enough, when I came out I was somewhere I didn't recognize. There was a lake or bay. I could see a road below and I could see the cars driving along below. The flying in this dream was effortless. My arms were out in front, yet I didn't need then for steering. I felt the wind in my hair. I was going quite fast and high. This was the most realistic flying I remember ever doing in a dream, lucid or not.

But finally I realized I was losing the dreamand I woke up for real.

2-22-11

Lucid Dream:

There was a lot building up to this dream. So I will jsut share some of it in note form:

Robert waking me up, taking the car. Daniel writing on the ceiling. Monica and Robert going away. Eating ice cream with Tanya. At preschool with Celia, care gone with purse, camera and cell phone in it. Jeff brought it back.

In fast food place ordering food with Mom, Celia, Jeff and I. I had this one year old baby with me that was talking like she was about 5 years old. The baby couldn't decide what to order, then had to go to the bathroom. I took the baby in the bathroom. I went into a stall. To my surprise the toilet was huge (about the size of a queen bed) and in it was a tiny baby swimming around.


This did not trigger lucidity.


I went to another stall. In that toilet was another baby swimming.


This did not trigger lucidity.


Every toilet in the restroom had a baby in it-- except one that was over flowing with poop and another that had a toilet that didn't quite seem attached and was tilted to the side.


This also did not trigger lucidity.


I saw that there were many mothers standing around in the bathroom. I found out that this group of mothers had brought their babies here so they could practice swimming. I felt angry that they took up all the clean toilets. The baby in my arms was complaining that she really had to go now. I felt frustrated. I told her to go in her diaper since she was wearing one. She didn't want to do that, so I finally held her over the tilted toilet and let her go. The pee ran over the side and onto the floor next to one of the toilets with the babies. I felt it served that mother right to taking up the good toilet. I had to go to. So I also went and my pee ran over onto the floor too.

Then my mom came in the bathroom and needed to go. I told her about the babies. She went over to one of the moms and started talking to her. I stood there and stood there and waited and got bored. So I started doing that thing where I fall backwards until I almost hit the floor then I bounce right back up into standing position.

I did this several times before I really noticed what I was doing. I thought, "Hmmm...this is something that I can only do in dreams. Why can I suddenly do it in real life?" I wondered for a moment. Then I decided that it wouldn't hurt to give flying a try. If this was real life like I thought it was nothing would happen. But if it were a dream then I would be lucid and wouldn't that be grand since it has been so long since I have had a good lucid dream.

I leaned a bit and was suddenly hovering horizonally. I finally was sure I was dreaming so I flew out of the bathoom. I was now in a large room that was set up with tables with food. I flew over a table that had a big plate of chocolate raspberry cake. I grabbed a piece and stuffed it into my mouth and started to fly off again. But it tasted so good I swooped down again and grabbed the whole plate of cake and started shoving in piece after piece into my mouth.

When it was gone I decided that I really needed to do something else really useful with my dream, like fly to the Moon. So I flew outside. I could see a park with dead or dormant trees in it. I flew to the trees. I decided I wanted to experiment and see if I could fly through one of the tree's trunks. But as I flew to the tree I decided to just break off a dead branch instead.


But at that point I was horrified by seeing a man standing in the air in front of me. His skin was tinted green and his black hair came up to points like devil horns. He reached out and grabbed me. I was so started and terrified that I gasped "Go...go....."



Then I had the weirdest briefest false awakening. I had a glimpse of being in a bank. This scary man was just a bank manager. I had fallen aleep at his desk and he was shaking me awake. But at that instant I awoke to me real bed. It took me a moment to understand what I had just gone through.

I had a restless sleep last night and my dreams were busy dreams that lacked the vividness of my normal dreams.

There was a toddler standing next to me with a load in his diapers and poop streaming down both legs. I picked him up, brought him in the bathroom and gave him a bath. I then cleaned up the bathroom. When I looked back down at him, he had already messed those diapers and it was starting to leak out of the sides. I gave him another bath. When I finished, I realized I did not have a change of clothes or a diaper in the bathroom with me. I placed him on the floor where he would be safe and went to get the clothes and diaper. When I returned, he was covered in mud. I had no idea where he had gotten into the mud, but I gave him yet another bath. After I dried him off, I decided not to put another change of clothes on him. I just put a clean diaper on him and placed him in a chair beside another toddler.

I had just finished walking five dogs. We had a tradition that after the walk, I would line the dogs up, remove their leashes and have them race to the house. The dogs loved this. My friend would be waiting at the door to let them in. So I was in the park a little ways from the house. I had taken the leashes off the dogs and lined them up, then released them. I bent down to pick up the leashes and I heard some dogs fighting. I looked up and to my surprise, there were about 50 dogs in the street. I ran over to where the dogs were fighting because one of them looked like one of my dogs, but as I got closer, I realized that it was a different dog with similar markings. I saw another dog that looked like one of mine and again when I approached it, I realized it belonged to someone else. This went on for a while as I slowly made it back to the house. When I finally made it to the house, all five dogs and my friend were waiting for me. Apparently they had all run strait home without an incident and my friend was wondering what was taking me so long.

Here's last night's dreammmm

nonlucid

I was in a van with my dad and little sister. I was in the back. We were goin' on a trip. I don't know where. Suddenly I was at school. My dad said i'd only be there a little while. Then I left. I was in a purple tunnel like thing. In my arms was a little cute pixie animal cat thing that was apparently my baby. I cradled it and cooed. It flew up and got a little star and moon shaped thing. It absorbed them. It looked even cuter. Here, I'll describe it in full detail.
It was really small, about 7 or so inches big. It looked like a grey kitten with aqua blue wings. They were transparent-ish and they looked like butterfly wings. It had greenish eyes.
A woman in a Doctor outfit came over to me. She asked me something about how my baby was and where her daddy was. A guy appeared and hugged me, saying he was proud. I guess he was the dad. I don't remember what he looked like. I woke up then, super confused.
(btw, I had a *flashback* in the dream and remembered me givin' birth to the kitten...)

dream2: fragment
I couldnt open my left eye. When I woke up, I was laying on the left side of my face.

=D Baby pixie kittens are toooo cute!
I've had another dream with the same kitten... *thinking face*

Another old dream. I write them out as I remember.

It started with me and my mom in some sort of military bunker. We are being led through, and seem to know where we are and why we were there.

Suddenly an alarm goes off and and everyone in the base starts running around getting ready for some sort of invasion. We pass a section where there are a bunch of baby's and some soldiers begin to hide them. It is only then that I realize all the soldiers are women.

I am given a gun and a helmet and I take position with them in the entry way everyone aiming at the large double doors. Everyone seemed so trained, and I was a bit floppy holding a gun, but got in position with them despite.

I wondered what could possibly be coming for the entire base to be up in arms. I ask the person next to me "who is coming?" or something along those lines. She turns to me and says "it's him". I have even less understanding and just turn to the doors which are now rattling.

The doors suddenly burst open letting light engulf the room, three silhouettes coming into view. A few of the girls gasp, some flinch. The men walk in, in the middle stands my dad. He scans the room causing everyone to shiver with fear. They had been so prepared, and were now frozen, unable to act.

He walked in slowly and deliberately singing some creepy version of the ABCs. No one can even mutter a word they are so frightened. I can not believe that they can not defend their own bunker.

My mom, from across the way yells to me "Kill him! Just kill him!"
I say "No I can't just kill him."
She just repeats "Kill him!"

I raise my gun and aim it for his head. Right when I get a shot he turns and looks me in the eye. His gaze scares me and I shoot. It impacts his temple and he swings around but does not even loose balance. I shoot him in the head again, he flings around again, ending up facing me again. He looks into my eyes and says "I love you" and falls to the ground dead.

I begin shaking and drop my gun in shock. I am traumatized and having a meltdown.
Everyone begins to cheer. A few gather around me patting me on the back, congratulating me. My mom says "good job" and I just brush her off. They keep coming to congratulate me but I am just trying to get away, ashamed at what I had done.

I was pregnant when the dream started, no explanation, and was making many trips to the abortion clinic.
They were telling me all sorts of things I wasn't listening to. I wanted to be sure of what I was going to do before I did it. I decided that this was my choice to make and no one would sway me in my pursuit of finding what was best for me.

I didn't want to just abort the baby with out the consideration of outside adoption and those sorts of things, but I also did not want to add another baby to a foster home or something. And I would not be able to take care of it while going to college.

So I kept it for awhile.

I did normal things, like watching netflix with my friends (the house looked like one from a friend in CO) but I was unable to focus, I all could think about was what I wanted to do with it.

I made more trips to the clinic. I went into a room with a large group of people sitting most of them watching a TV suspended from the ceiling. It looked like a large scale doctors waiting room. I looked a the TV to see some sort of cheerleading routine. I watched for awhile and thought that it would be a much harder decision if i was pursuing some sort of physical career or engaged in some sort of sport. I felt my stomach and realized that I could feel the child inside me.

My dad took me to the next appointment. (I do not have a good relationship with him irl). As we were walking to the door, I felt the baby inside me and officially decided to abort it. I realized that I did not have time to be the mother I would want to be to it, and that there is a lot more I wanted to do first.

Suddenly the baby's arms and legs started ferociously kicking and shoving the inside of my stomach, all four limbs thrashing. I could suddenly hear him screaming and gasping. He began kicking my pelvis and then turned around to scratch my organs, still screaming somehow. Finally he pushed his whole form against my stomach until almost his entire form could be seen, him still inside me. He was having a meltdown, freaking out that I had decided to kill him. My dad stops walking but does nothing. He continues to scream.

I touch were the side of his head was and told him to calm down, I wouldn't do it. He continued thrashing, screaming and gasping. I began crying and pleaded with him to stop, it hurt. I told him sorry and begged him to calm down. Slowly but surely his breathing returned to normal and he returned to where he had been.

I grabbed my stomach freaking out, and woke up.

Had a phantom baby for awhile. So strange.

The only thing I remember is being pregnant. I looked down at my stumic and could see a tiny little baby in my belly botton.

Plans: Go see MoSh and find out if Asuka is ok, meet Nomad in a dream, meet Pablo in a dream, the usual list of tasks from various sources.

Come Out and Play
I am in my room on my bed, though it isn't my normal bed. This doesn't occur to me as strange even though my regular bed is a waterbed. I get out of the bed when I hear a sound beside the bed. I figure one of the cats are getting into something or is up to something. I turn on a light beside my bed and I see something go under the bed very quickly. Was it one of the cats? I get down beside the bed and peek underneath. I can't see much under the bed, I can barely make out the shape of an animal and an impression of a cute face, two eyes are glowing softly with reflected light. I hear a soft growl from the bed as if the animal is warning me away. Am I scaring the cat? I am trying to coax the animal from underneath the bed, telling the animal I'm not an enemy, I'm a friend. I wake up to the sound of my cat breaking all new records in the volume of a purr. Maybe the growling in the dream was just the sound of the purring cat penetrating into the dream.


NCIS
I am in an open green field that is crawling with various cops, government agents, emergency vehicles, paramedics, and more. I am a bit disoriented, I am not sure what I am doing there, so I am trying to look like I belong there because I figure random people shouldn't be there. I look around a bit more and I see a helicopter has crashed in the middle of the field. There are fire trucks around it, the helicopter is still smoldering slightly. There are ambulances at the scene, but the bodies being taken from the helicopter are completely covered, they are dead. I go over near the ambulances and everyone responds as if I belong there. I see people from the NCIS crew… Tony DiNozzo, Timothy McGee, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, Ducky, Ziva Delgado… Gibbs is very angry, he is chewing out the paramedics and the officials around the crashed helicopter, he is saying they had no right to move the bodies before his team could take a look at the scene. They say it was an accident, there is nothing to examine. Gibbs says this was no accident. He goes over to one of the bodies and pulls the covering back from it, pointing at the dead man underneath. He says this man was shot, he died before the helicopter crashed. So did the other man. This was no accident, it was a double murder. One of the government officials asks how they could have been shot when they were the only ones in the helicopter when it crashed. Gibbs says that is what he and his team are going to find out.


A Child of Death
I am in a car with several other people, they all seem to be on a very urgent mission, everyone seems pretty stressed out, especially the woman beside me in the back seat. She is crying something about her baby. I wonder what is going on. The man in the passenger side of the front seat looks back at me and says it's about time I woke up. He says they have gotten a lead on the creature who took little Anabel, we would get there in a bit. The woman beside me, the one who has been crying, now looks angry. She says she wants to see that thing dead, she wanted to see it burn, she wants it to pay for what it's done to her baby. The man up front says there is no indication that Anabel has been harmed, we could still rescue her. The car pulls to a stop at the bottom of a tall building, I get out and look around. We are in a downtown location, but the place is strangely deserted, and there is an especially tall skyscraper next to us. There are dark clouds and lightning up around the top of the building, which is clearly our destination. The woman is already heading for the door, one of the men tells me to go after her and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. They go around to the other side of the building. I follow the woman into the front door of the building, she is already at the stairwell and heading up at a surprising speed. I follow her, I am hoping I don't run out of energy while trying to chase her. I don't, and we reach what seems to be the penthouse area. We exit the penthouse onto a patio garden on the top of the building. The clouds and lightning are all around us now, and I see a strange creature standing on what seems to be a path of solid black clouds that leads into a vortex of clouds and lightning in the sky. The creature looks a lot like the grim reaper… the skeletal figure is holding a small baby wrapped in pink blankets, it is laughing evilly. The woman charges out and says the thing will not have her child, she then fires a blast of energy from her hand that hits the skeletal creature right in the center of its head. Her energy isn't powerful enough to kill it. I have another plan. I add my energy to her, focusing on it being healing energy, that seems like the right thing to do. My energy comes from the song Frozen, hers is an attack. Her attack weakens the thing's defense enough that my healing energy penetrates and has its proper effect. A strange golden energy surrounds the skeletal figure and it disappears. I telekinetically pull the baby towards us and hand the girl to her mother.


Pirates of DDO
I am on a dock, there are two men with me, and they look like they are ready for a fight. I have a feeling of recognition, but I'm not sure of who they are. I am thinking one of them is Nomad and the other is MoSh. We get onto a ship and head out into the ocean, the ship is an old style sailing ship. The wind is strong and the ship moves quickly, there is another ship in the distance. We are catching up with that ship at a quick rate, and soon I am able to see that it is a pirate ship.

We catch up quickly and then prepare to board the pirate ship. The reason we are chasing the ship is that the pirates have a hostage, they kidnapped a woman from the previous town and she is being held on the ship. We board the pirate ship, and a fight breaks out immediately. There are many pirates on the ship, and the three of us engage them in battle using swords. I am fighting quite a few of the pirates, I see a chance to try an interesting move… I swing around on one of the rope riggings on the sails and kick three pirates over the railing of the ship into the ocean. I see them down below trying to swim toward the ship as if they think they can climb the side, or maybe there's a rope or a ladder somewhere around the ship. They don't make it, there are fins circling down there, and those find aren't dolphins. I hear them scream and then there is blood in the water. No time for that. I am being attacked again, I think we have to find out where the hostage is. I telepathically scan the mind of one of the pirates and discover she is being held below deck. I am busy, but I call out to the man I think is MoSh and tell him where she is. MoSh heads below deck immediately. I continue fighting pirates, cutting one, blocking the sword of another, running a third through. I jump down into a hatch into the cargo hold to avoid being hit by one of the pirates' swords. I land in a pile of treasure, gold coins, gems, silver… wow… I think most of it will be returned to those from which it had been stolen. But no one would notice a little bit missing… I grab a few handfuls of coins and gems and shove them into my pockets.

Original Date: 2/21/10
Type: Fragment/Family - Non Lucid
Dream:
(there were a couple of dreams I had, so this is a fragment runoff, the last of about 3-4)
First I was in a store shopping for baby clothes with some women who just had a baby girl, she was standing there with the stroller. Next thing I was at some house, and my grandma arrived from somewhere like a trip because someone was saying "She's here!", there was another girl there (I think maybe the girl who just had the baby) and she was in the kitchen. Then I remember me and possibly my mom (but later turned into my Grandma P) appeared at a different house. I remember hearing her make a comment about how the other girl at the old house was going to have to unload the big trucks filled with all of Grandma P's things by herself (and I felt pity for her, wanted to go back and help her, but I couldn't). Outside of this house there was a portion of maybe a wrought iron fence and on it was hanging some necklace, like red velvet and gold. I picked it up and brought it in the house, my Grandma P was standing at the door looking displeased. Then I remember a feeling of needing to prepare for something. And then we were in the kitchen and my Grandpa S was there and there was a huge box of sweet cream butter that we were unpacking into the fridge, I was taking out of the box and handing to someone who would put it into the fridge. The weird thing was I was pulling them out and the packages were opened and some was missing, like someone was eating as I was putting it away, then the butter started to be colorful as I took it out. Bright green ones, pink ones and blue ones. My Grandpa S started asking me questions about my boyfriend, like he was trying to tease me, I was a little reluctant, he was hinting about being married and I remember telling him that he is divorced and has two little boys. Then I heard my Grandpa S say he was hungry, telling my Grandma P and next I see him with a roast boiling in a coffee pot in front of my face. I say to him "I like to make chicken with vegetables, take chicken breast and season it..." and my Grandpa S cuts me off saying "Chicken!? Naw I don't want that healthy stuff!" and I say "Well Grandpa, I have to eat healthy now, or I won't make it to live as long as you." And he got quiet and said "Well, that's true".

Objective Context:
I have been thinking a lot about my grandparents on both sides of my family and feeling somewhat stressed that I have not seen my family in over a year. I used butter in cooking last night, and I make pork roast and kraut yesterday for dinner. I also interpreted dreams yesterday about someone's Grandfather and having a baby.

Age of Dream Ego: 26

Feelings:
Neutral, like a little workhorse, connected, familiarity

NON DREAM DREAM LUCID DREAM
I am walking up the stairs, trying not to make too much sound, my shoes hard against the hard wooden floor, as if they might fear that I’m a prowler. It’s the house of my auntie, Chris (perhaps triggered by the lengthy conversation with my mum last night about Chris and Oma and Luke) – the original house from childhood visits - and I’ve just arrived in Holland. Coming up the stairs onto the first floor, the door is open, so I’m planning on going into the first room opposite the stairs without stirring anyone, but when the bed comes into view, there is a soft pre-dawn light filtering through transparent curtains, and my cousin Luke is going down on his girlfriend, she wearing nothing but a green t-shirt (perhaps a reference to my favourite colour at Induction Day at Amnesty yesterday)... They see me almost immediately, reacting surprised, the girl gesturing with some embarrassment that my room is upstairs, as I also try and save the situation, like I don’t want to interrupt I only need to know where I’m sleeping and I’ll be as quick as gone. In the next room, where I expect to find Chris, there is again movement under the blanket, and multiple heads stick out surprised, with at least three couples all surprised to see me.

Upstairs in the dark, spacious attic like a small community hall with hard wooden floor, there are lots of people who are familiar to me as the friends me and Luke used to hang with when we were all younger, and starting with Luke, I give them all big powerful hugs, crushing them close for a brief passionate hug in the excitement, although physically they all resemble closer the dark long-haired, Latino faces of More’s friends we used to hang with in Cusco, or in Plaza Dorego in Buenos Aires, and I suppose thusly, a gringo, a friend of a friend, I’m more excited to see them again as they are of me. They’re all coming to visit at the same time, and next I remember that a band, modelled physically on the consummate rock star faces of The Church (in mid-December 2010 they played at my last shift working at Notes), singing 90's grunge music, the singer almost resembling a thinner version of old Peter Fonda (from the Californication episode a few days back on late Sunday night), playing a low-strapped electric Stratocaster, in the middle of the room without needing to set up.

At the drinks table, a guy who is in his late 30’s, a musician type, recognises me as the guest of honour, asks me to crack his back, and I don’t need too much instruction before I hold him firmly with my left hand on his shoulder and with my other hand cupped inside his left shoulder blade push it forward with a sinewy pop that seems to relieve him. He then tests out how much looser his shoulder feels, softly but still quite rigidly assuming a drummer’s stance and playing a simple beat on the air. There’s another veteran of the rock scene, tall and strong and a bald head, dressed sharp and all black, and, in the obliged manner as if the gig and their being present were contractual, he pours me a drink as if for a competition winner. He and the drummer talk about how tough musicians have it, continuing without irony even as I tell them that they’re lucky, they get to make a living out of playing music.

*

In another scene, I am downstairs, outside in a small narrow courtyard on the side of the house, and one of the girls across from me talks about how they have this thing they do, and I realise that there’s a guy that has already scaled the two tiers of sloping tiled rooves.

He is standing on the edge of the roof, if only for the rush of adrenaline, when he suddenly snaps backward violently as if slipping, and very quickly slides on his back down the first tier of slick, concave terracotta tiles, bouncing down onto the second shorter tier, when we all stand, reacting to break his mortal fall, but without significant resistance caused by any one of us, he somehow slows, turning on the lip of the roof and, cart wheeling smoothly in the air, lands gracefully on his feet.


In a subsequent scene, I move naturally through the liquid surface of a horizontal, rectangular mirror set at eye-level on the wall, coming out again in the darkened back of what resembles a garage and move to the front, with the big barn-like door open and strong sunlight coming in through the gaps in the roof as if it were made up of long sticks bound together, or lots of big holes in the jungle leaf roofing.

I notice a strange looking child next to my leg, who seems to be alone (perhaps like the toddler in the stroller alone outside the general store along Glebe Point Road yesterday, staring expressionlessly down the street) and I stoop to it, perhaps to ask where her mother is. The ugly, fat baby, standing up wobbling with arms outstretched, not physically older than 2 years old, talks to me, although in a squeaky voice, perfectly, like talking to a much older kid. Loose, pock-marked skin, becomes mice ears the next time I look (like my pet rat when I was in my teens who developed a tumour and lost all of its hair)...

Holding it in my hands, I put it down to let it free as an over-grown bald and wrinkly mouse, that resembles the skin and deformation of a person with an ageing disorder. I think about it again (perhaps based on my background thinking lately to more regularly question to the logic of what I’m experiencing, and exercise my memory like whether I can remember the steps that lead me to my present location) and suddenly realise that I must be in a dream, immediately holding my nose and when I feel the contradictory wind through my nostrils, I say out loud that I’m dreaming to Simon Patterson who has been with me for sometime now, who I know will be interested in this realisation and follow me in exploring its implications.


Lucid dreaming, I suppress the thought that I might wake up if I get too excited, as well as the thought to write down this breakthrough and document what is happening subsequently (as if learning from the previous attempt – with the differently coloured humus – where I immediately began writing in the excitement, a reaction that I explained to Symo and Ken on last Friday night as being stupid, saying that ‘I totally missed the point’), and have no trouble focusing on trying to change the scene with my mind, focusing specifically on the mirror which we have been passing through. I see the people in the courtyard on the other side, but now the conceit doesn’t function, and the mirror changes from a realistic inanimate object into never existing in the first place, an empty black frame built into the wall. I had assumed that my sub-conscious was still active, and it seems from this evidence that my awakening of conscious awareness in the dream has limited the fanciful potential of my imagination.