Recent DJ Posts

2022 May 2nd

Note to self, at this point I started recording dreams with year first, month second and day third, because as I was archiving dream notes from my old phone, I realised just how much of a mess day first was causing me and it was something I had not given any thought when I first started recording them in that way. In the future, it will be easier to maintain an organised record by using year first, as I already do for some other things.

Some in-line notes.


Dream (Fragmented):

I'm at my old bedroom. Dad is here visiting or something. For some reason, there are some sex toys out in my room and dad grabs them and piles them on top of an old computer desk I used to have in waking life. (The plastic "veneered" one)

Dad doesn't comment much of anything about the sex toys, but I feel embarrassed. He talks to me about something completely unrelated.

(recall gap)

I'm swimming out of a body of water into a stairwell. I can't see the bottom of the water and as I climb out of the water, I'm soaked and dripping. I don't feel cold or hot. My hair is somewhat long and I see it in front of me and feel water dripping off it. The place looks like a school of some kind.

I get up to the first mid-landing of these stairs and then climb some more steps up to a second landing. There are no more stairs after this point, as if they're missing, and so this landing just leads over back into the water again, from a higher point.

(The preceding segment was recalled while dreaming the next segment)

I'm in a field, walking along with two people. One of them is a local, the other someone I know (from the dream?). This field is strange, as it is made up of "strips" about one yard wide of specific plants, which all just seem rather wild and not at all cultivated, despite the organised strip logic going on.

As a result, there's a varied array of colours, ranging from a nearly blue-green to a dry yellow-green or maybe brown. The local man is slim and on the older side. He tells me something about how they have no choice and how this is all they can afford to do. I understand "they" as their people, as if I'm visiting somewhere that I'm foreign to.

Then, as we walk off the slightly sloped field area and starting down on a slightly steeper slope, I notice a small lizard, about a foot long counting the tail. Its on the side of a plant or a piece of dry/dead wood. It has a black scaled body interrupted by fluorescent yellow chevron stripes. The tail is flat and spiney, almost beaver-like.

Then we're walking into a road and I worry about traffic but it doesn't look like there's any, it looks kind of desolate or calm. It's day time, the sun is low but it's not sunset yet and it's half cloudy but it appears bright. There's a road for each direction and they're about twenty to thirty feet away from the other, one of them being on a lower bit, as this whole area is a sort of downwards-sloping cliff seaside cliff area, to the end of which we're walking towards.

As we get closer, even though the lowest point of the cliff is only about one yard up from sea level, I feel afraid I might drop or be pushed into the sea (on accident or otherwise). (It's at this point I recall the previous segment, I think the water must trigger the memory, though I don't think I "live" the memory in the dream at this point)

Then, I'm at a house that looks like old home. Some part of recall is missing, weirdly I seem to have slept on the sofa and it's as if I was really asleep in the dream, for a time. I grab something I'd apparently left on the sofa. I see the old man from before and say "morning" to him. I feel a little disoriented and think to myself that I didn't mean to fall asleep and yet I did somehow.

Then, I'm at an ALDI with H. We drove in in a sporty car. We pretend we're only friends and H says to a checkout person he has to get a massage coupon thing for his partner. The person at the checkout asks "what would she like?" and meanwhile I'm looking for three two-litre bottles of some soft drink, though I can only find one bottle. This ALDI feels more like a tiny service station shop and I think to myself we should have gone to our usual place. (This segment had something to do with the previous one, but I could not retain recall of what or how)

(recall gap)

Something about playing a game with a demon, and needing to do this to release an angel or something. The game doesn't make much sense at all and I can't think of how to describe it; in any case I struggle with this game in the dream. This takes place at some big/vast house, or some kind of palace.


Notes:

- Although I'd normally make this dream only visible to myself and DV contacts and so on, I feel that part of me has done that far too often of late, out of some sense of lack of confidence, an aspect I've been struggling with (again) in waking life.

- This entire dream was very peculiar. I feel I could make this remark about so many dreams. In particular however, this dream felt especially switched on in terms of symbolic representation. When recalling the dream, it feels like some part of me was aware of this. Everything about it feels organised and metaphorical in a deeper way than usual, though I think some of it may be inexpressible through words. The dream itself in parts felt like one of those dreams that feels just like life in the sense of "this is how things are, this is my life". This dream would benefit greatly from a fuller exploration on paper that is not constrained to words alone and that can make directed (lines/arrows) associative links between elements.

- I suspect that dad was representative of false expectations in some sense, because in the dream my embarrassment and the sex toy context were in fact irrelevant to our conversation about whatever else dad talked about. I am not certain what the significance of that desk specifically might be, but I must have been around 8 or 9 years of age when we had that desk, and the computer used communally with my siblings was on top of it, under one of the bunk beds.
-- In a sense, the sex toys are also likely representative of the other side of false expectation; what my mind or feelings give importance to often has nothing to do with how others are perceiving me and if anything, I end up being bound or imprisoned by my own false notions of what others think.
-- The other aspect to this is that family (represented by dad) are something that I keep entirely separate from sexual contexts as far as mental constructs go, I feel more so than most other people do, though that may be a result of upbringing; here, the two contexts meet but are essentially ignored by one another, as dad makes no remark and pays no mind, other than some sort of strange "tidying out of the way", and the toys themselves are inert objects that cannot on their own express anything except via context. This makes me think about how Jung defined libido as "psychic energy" as opposed to "sexual energy" as Freud probably did and it seems like the sex toys can also be representative of a transformation of my point of view on said energies. Again, I cannot fully form thoughts on this via text alone, this requires diagrammatic and drawn exploration that can show links and associations in a way that text can't.

- The flooded school bit was odd because of how vivid it felt in terms of sensations, regarding swimming and water. I don't remember any specific emotions, but the school was an unknown place that I've never visited and which only vaguely conformed to some constructs of schools, none of which I've ever encountered myself.

- I can't help but feel that I associate the encounters with water in this dream as being some kind of metaphor relating to collectives, more so than an unconsciousness. In a sense, the stairs were exactly about this; I can leave a collective but on the way up and out, there's actually no way out, and all I can see again is the collective, despite whatever other aspiration I might have had. There was a (somehow neutral) sense of hopelessness to this in the dream.

- The strange field feels like it was about my whole Self. The locals, i.e. my non-conscious elements, do their best to cultivate other non-conscious elements and so on (the plants) but they are constrained by what they can afford to do. I am not sure what "afford to do" could mean in a sense of personality. The land felt inhospitable to cultivation and taming, and perhaps these non-conscious elements actively taking part in growing and tending to things, are actually unwelcome by the rest of the unconscious landscape. I am checking in on them, but I seem to be there in a capacity that cannot act or make changes to the situation at present, and that any changes would have to be future, such as based on a report or the like.
-- In a sense, the plants felt very much foreign to the land as I did, even if the locals themselves just seemed... Well, local.

- Despite the small size, the lizard felt instantly appealing to look at, to be interested in. The black scaled body felt immediately relatable to what I have wanted to portray in my alter-ego for some time. The chevron striped pattern seemed unique to me. And in some sense I always find myself relating to reptiles though I have seldom spent time near them, perhaps because they have a tendency to run away from humans and to be solitary, which may be part of the appeal in itself. The lizard's tail appeared dangerous but as the lizard was most likely not aggressive, it seemed like an aspect of self-defence only. Curiously, I am now recalling that the lizard seemed to be in shade rather than in sunlight, and it's the only wild animal I recall seeing in the dream.

- The part with H at the service station ALDI definitely feels related to how perceptions are so based on physical appearances and how it's very difficult to move on from this, in cultural terms.

- The game with the demon felt like some kind of mix between Tetris, cards and other games of chance. I really can't describe it, especially for how little visual recall I have left of it. I just remember a somewhat dark and red-hued room, and a cloth-draped table.

15th February 2022

Fragment:

A dark and steel-blue place. I interact with some people. A tunnel or hallway? (most detail faded too much, I left recall too long and radio didn't help)


16th February 2022

Fragment:

Watching myself or a video of someone else from a first person perspective. On a bed. Four erections and right hand holding a phone/recording?


17th February 2022

Fragment:

(recall very vague) Following and getting into formation with a Rheinland battleship. I'm flying a Banshee and there's something Bretonian nearby, maybe gunboats? I don't think there are any open hostilities.

6th February 2022

Different fragments:

- In space, arriving in a ship near a nebula of some kind, with a planet inside and also another star nearby in a different nebula. I mistake the planet for the star a couple of times? I never see either of them up-close and the ship itself is never closer than a light-year in distance.

- With H in some house. Daytime and light comes in from the windows, I don't recall seeing outside. Get the impression of a flat and that it belongs to someone else, a friend? There's a cupboard full of biscuits or something, including Belgian chocolate-covered wafers. I think I spot some dark chocolate ones, only to find out they're actually regular chocolate on a closer look, though I then do see some dark chocolate ones and take one.

- I do something semi-sexual with H, approaching from behind.

- An area with semi-detached houses. Can't remember who else is here but the queen of England is visiting the area. She's on her own with no entourage accompanying her. She's here to visit someone specifically and they don't seem to know each other very well. They have a short and amusing exchange and then start walking down the street together. There's a couple of other people relevant to what's going on and the sound then shifts focus to being on them.

- Possibly linked directly with one of the other bits. In a large cave, like something out of Dark Souls. I fight a relatively small dragon and some humanoid as well as other enemies I can't recall. My weapons are frequently breaking but the enemies I kill also drop two-handed weapons fairly often.


12th February 2022

8:00
Fragment:

A store, under it there's some cave I've been to before in the dream. It has lost and ancient things. It's dark, though not very much. One of the things here is a giant anthro's skull. It's big enough that I would be able to fit inside its throat area and I remark on this to (I think) H. I try to take it back up to the store.

I find a savage native on the way back and he gets spooked by the skull in some way. I try to do something silly or funny but he doesn't seem interested in that. Then, at the store, something about a magazine.

(recall gap)

In a version of our kitchen. It's tidy and also not in a different kind of way. H just took some poison he asked me to give him. This happened once before in the dream. He doesn't remember this happening before and is now asking me to give him the antidote. I think to myself that it should be in a drawer. I end up looking everywhere and being unable to find it, which makes me explore the kitchen around a bit.

(details faded but it was a long dream, might have had micro-woken up a couple of times through it)

9:30?
Fragment:

(last bit of a dream) Going down a stairwell in an apartment building like old home. Mom is with me and maybe someone else like T. The stairwell is square-ish with a hole/gap in the centre. As we get to the bottom level, a woman comes out of her apartment and starts talking to us. She's a little bit, not flustered, maybe excited and she touches up her breasts and says something about her clothes. Rather than just walk away, I give her some attention.

Recall is fuzzy but I notice that she has a bulge around her crotch area and she reveals that she had been a man and kept these bits. But I find this odd, unusual and somewhat implausible, because on closer look her facial and bone structures seem more consistent with someone who's always been female. So I think to myself that actually she was just born with both sets of genitals and that this was a cover story that made it "easier" to explain.

Mom is gone pretty early on before this happens and T becomes or is replaced by H. I think that H might be feeling jealous or something.

Some in-line notes.

23rd December 2021

Recall was left too long and could only retain vague fragments.

Fragment:

Something about being at old home, I'm in my room and it's sunny outside, though my curtains are drawn closed. They're the old white and yellow diamond curtains. I am moving towards my desk in the corner and feel the need to self-pleasure, but something makes it feel like I can't.

Then, something about going for an appointment. I am briefly outside. The light in the dream seems off somehow, like there's too much shade despite being daytime and how sunny it is, but I don't realise any of this while dreaming. Something happens in regards to me going to the appointment or something, and then I'm home. (Did this scene happen first?)

Fragment:

I'm outdoors and I was in a car before. The place I'm in is a forest and I eventually go through a cave too. There's a relatively small female black bear character, which has something anthropomorphic about it. I want to kill it using a rifle, and kite the bear around all over the place, at one point the bear becomes enraged (like a game buff) and I have awareness that a single hit from the bear could kill me. (Similar feel to being the scout on DRG and kiting a dangerous enemy)

Another half-anthro animal was involved in this at one point.


24th December 2021

Fragment:

It's relatively bright but not exactly sunny. I'm in our bedroom with H, who's on the bed and then there's something that means I have to get up. At one point, we have an interaction with H's grandfather, who's apparently staying with us. (He passed away a couple of years ago, but it feels like yesterday) He knows about us sleeping in the same bed, and doesn't seem to mind.

2nd July 2021

Fragment:

In Outland. Some alternate version of Helfire I've dreamed of before, years ago I think. It's a mix of Netherstorm in terms of landscape features but looks like Helfire. Something about me trying to get to level seventy but I find out that eighty is actually the maximum level, through seeing other players I think.

There's a back-and-forth mix of D3 and WoW. I'm both trying to create a level twenty or so questline involving dragons, for the zone I'm in, I think; but also trying to work on an art project about an erotica comic in a M/M theme.

(recall started fading at this point) At one point, I'm working on this comic project and alt-tabbing between games and drawings for reference and then H comes in to this odd office room I'm in and starts talking to me. The room is very wooden? A dark-ish stain, probably? H is kind of having a go at me for "not doing much". I feel annoyed and partly insulted, since I try as much as I can. Constant interruptions occur (not just or only from H but something else) while I'm trying to work on this questline thing.

The dream eventually deviates into some other bit in a town.

(recall gap)

I'm in a subway starting at my home town and I'm sort of composing a train run schedule that will go from a yellow line to the blue line? Stations seem dark and unfamiliar, not to mention cramped, they seem more like my vague memory of the London underground and some other generic subways I've seen.

I'm alone in this train with the conductor, I'm just in the passenger area at first looking at the maps. Then I knock on the door to the cabin or something and I tell him about what I'll be doing. I can see through the front glass that we are arriving at a station full of people, mostly university students or something, people in school uniforms. I tell the conductor that we can't stop here for now because "that's too many gamers" and that I'll add this station later on into the schedule.

And I think about how they'd probably end up giving this new route I'm making a very bad reputation and causes issues later on. So I think to myself that they'll just have to catch a different train for now.

---

Notes:
- Feels like it's been a while since a proper subway dream, though I suppose I have had a few not that long ago, that come to mind.
-- As always this should be enough of a cue to question reality, but it never seems to be enough, nothing seems to be enough.

- Again, dragons. Dragons are rarely the central topic in my dreams. This time they weren't the focus of eroticism but seems there was still a loose link since I was working on both their questline and the erotic comic.
-- This thematic could relate both to my difficulty in sticking to a single project and to the fact that I always want to do really involved things. Doing either a comic or a full questline are projects that require a lot of time and attention. Relating to the difficulty in sticking to a project, I often lose track of myself and my attention to things when things start feeling long.

- Unusually, the train was symbolically under my control though indirect influence of its compliant conductor, maybe a metaphor about navigation, guidance or inability to lead action directly.
-- Relating to this, I have found that I am much calmer and more able to work effectively if I'm not directly in charge of something. If I am in advisory or assisting role, I tend to be able to remain emotionally detached for better results. Thinking further about this, ironically this is not the case when it comes to doing artwork for others, since that's still primarily based on my own ability to lead artistically (since I'm not being asked to emulate another artists' style).

- When in the dream H has a go at me, I think this is actually a metaphor for me having a go at myself. I do sometimes think I'm not trying as hard as I could be. I often think about how it feels like I'm not leading myself anywhere but also about how it feels so hard without anyone guiding me.
-- The irony to me feels like even under guidance I still feel like I'm not getting guidance, which makes me feel like it's a problem relating to myself only and not to others and their interactions with me.

22nd April 2021

There are quite a few personal thoughts and notes here but I guess when are dreams ever anything other than personal? But this took me quite a while to type up, which is frustrating on some level.

Fragment:

Playing DII, with the barbarian. I remember I look at the waypoints and see I'm in Act 3 but it's actually hell (Act 4). The colours all look weird, the character looks a fuzzy dark navy blue on some parts. It's generally dark and I am going to where Diablo "lives", I remember going past the hellforge or something.

Very little recall of this dream but it had a strange feel to it, a bit like some of the weirder pre-sleep dreams I used to get as a kid, where reality made no sense with waking physics and was all fuzzy like static noise.

(DFLN) Dream:

Spoiler for Lengthy dream:

I'm in BL, in a dream generated location. I'm feeling preoccupied about basic totems for some reason, something about acquiring more while AFK. I go around to where AH's base is, but it's not at all like her waking life base and is on a different world. I play or hear some voice recording of her, talking about AFK gains and stuff like that. Her voice is soft and quieter than I would expect. Her base is massively unfinished and her character is just sitting here in the middle of it all.

Occasionally I see the character turn or twitch randomly and on closer inspection an interface element reveals that it's possessed by a "PharmBot" user entity, briefly, which in the dream I have knowledge of being a bot that keeps track of peoples' farms and then reports their status on a Discord server. Walking around and seeing the unfinished base, I notice I still have permissions in some parts of it. I think to myself, maybe I can ask for a special permission to be able to finish up her base for her. I feel a sadness of sorts. I talk to H about all of this?

The world is a lush type and green-ish for the most part but there is a dominant pale yellow tint.

Then, I eventually wander off in a random direction and find some creatures over a lava pit place. The dream starts to feel more like DOOM now but visually remains mostly the same. I shoot some energy weapons at the creatures and kill a few of them quickly but I start to feel overwhelmed by their numbers. Some look a bit like cacodemons or something but not quite, and the rest are generic mish-mash. I think I fall in the lava and get annoyed or frustrated by how sticky it is and how I'm going to die and have to come back here.

(recall gap)

I'm in our office/computer room but it's mixed with the old home. I have knowledge of it being where L's room would have been. I'm sitting with someone at the desk, a guy, he's to my left. I'm teaching him something about drawing. He asks me about making a logo and I say that it depends, things can vary based on budget. If he wanted to just spend five on it, then this pen I have that he seems to be interested in, that would do. I forget the conversation details, but this person is a dream character who is a generic friend in the dream's context, though maybe closer than just an acquaintance.

The doorbell rings (I forget the sound it makes) and I go to answer the door. It was day in the office but now I'm in the corridor, it's dark. I make a mistake, instead of going to the hall on the right I go straight through mom and dad's bedroom where mom seems to be sleeping and I go into mom's study. There's a twilight or dawn ambience in here. I realise this isn't the right place to be at all and start to feel rushed to answer the door, turning around and walking quickly back through to the hall, then opening the front door cautiously, not remembering I could have looked through the seeing hole.

The person is a maid and she doesn't look like anyone I know. I wait or ask for an explanation. She's black, though a relatively light tone, not much darker than me in reality. Her hair is sort of curly, medium length and is tied up in a bunch at the top rear of her head. I hold onto the door as we talk, apprehensive for some reason.

She explains that mom's old maid (who I haven't seen in many years) won't be coming anymore because she's been ill and only been getting worse. I'm not told what with, exactly, but there's an implied sense of a condition much like mine.

Spoiler for slightly erotic:

I think because of waking reality, I have an erection in the dream, possibly since I got up and started walking from the office room, though I tried keeping it from seeming obvious. When she walks further into the hall, her right hand brushes past my legs and she doesn't say anything but immediately looks apprehensive and embarrassed.

She says something and feels she must excuse herself for today. I feel I leave an unwarranted poor impression on her.

(gap)

Still at the old home and in the same general dream context, in terms of ambience etc. There's something about dad, he's talking with me and someone else. He tells us about having found a cancer, a melanoma. He has no top on and feels around his right arm with his left hand and finds the point. It's inside, near the join to the forearm. I wonder about removal with chemotherapy and stuff. I have some kind of daydream thing where I see myself having that entire area surgically removed, being left with a hole there very near the inner elbow. It seems excessive and like it would leave me weak because of how much of that area is muscle but I also wonder if the doctors couldn't put in an artificial and flexible latticed matrix of some kind, for the body to use as framework for regeneration, like scaffolding or the beams in a building. But I feel they'd never bother with such a thing.

Spoiler for Notes, spoilered for length:

- AH passed away from cancer earlier this year and one thing I have felt sad about is that what little rights I had left around her base were taken away from me by people I don't even know, even if I understand that her legacy was willingly left to these people, who she did know. I suppose it's made me think about how in my perception, some people just have more "rights" on the memory of someone. It doesn't feel fair, but I guess very little feels fair to me these days.

-- On the topic of fairness, this morning after I got up from bed, I was feeling easily annoyed by some things, mostly environmental issues that I feel unable to help with as an individual, because of the way society is set up. This came about in part because it was a recycling day.

- Dad doesn't have any cancer that we know of and to be honest I think most of the cancer themes in the dream were really just a manifestation of somewhat irrational worries I get about having cancer myself. Especially with AH's passing, I have become somewhat more fearful of having something like that happen to me and the worst of it is that even through these reminders I find myself spending time doing lots of meaningless things. I end up feeling helpless in a sense, feeling like I won't accomplish anything meaningful in my lifetime and that I won't leave a legacy behind that is what I would like to leave behind.

-- This is especially true of my creative activities, where I fear that if I would simply pass away all of a sudden, the things that would be left behind wouldn't reflect enough about how I feel about life, emotions, pain and other certain topics. I feel like the very thing I want to make depictions about (my condition and its limitations) is exactly what stops me from doing something meaningful. I often feel too tired and unable to engage myself into a creative mode, especially lately. The latter half of last year felt decent in creative terms and I thought that because I am being more functional with my current medication that this trend would continue.

- Lately, oddly enough, I tend to recall fairly well what I am thinking of before bed, but I still do not notice any transition into sleep and my thoughts eventually become dispersed anyway. Last night in bed I was thinking about BL:TPS and how its story had been written and how it compared to BL2 and BL3 and how BL1 tied into all of it too. I remember I was also thinking about Freelancer and certain story moments, as well as the game world in general. I had a few thoughts about DV and the members I know a bit better but recall of this is more vague now. I do remember thinking about what OccipitalRed has said recently about consciousness and awareness whilst dreaming in general even in non-lucid contexts.

-- Notably, I don't ever seem to dream about the very last things I think of. Frequently, the subjects I end up dreaming about stem either from pertinent thoughts (conscious or just below the threshold) through a day or from a couple of hours before bed.

- Although I didn't realise it until writing out this DJ entry, I feel like the part of the dream about the maid was a spin on the lusty maid story cliche, something that consciously doesn't attract me very much. The irony here is that the maid that in the dream was ill, was someone who I did feel attracted to when I was a teenager and the maid in the dream had some resemblance to her.

- I did feel some sort of sadness when I learned that mom's former maid was unwell, especially because of the feeling of it being something similar to what I have.

21st October 2020

There was a big dream from my first awakening but I couldn't retain recall.

Fragment:

In a shop with H. There are big standing fridges, the type with glass doors. We are looking at some supplements or something and H points at a few different ones. I want to pick something not too expensive. I think some of these are vitamin B supplements.

Fragment:

In an old warehouse building? Dark and dingy. But I'm here with a girl, she's white, about my height and age, maybe older, she has loose hair, fake blonde or blonde. Reminds me of Ellie from NCIS and other characters of similar archetypes. We're both naked and aroused as we're playing some kind of sexy game of catch. At one point she's taunting me playfully and because she sticks out her arm towards me I grab her by the arm and pull her toward me. She laughs in her defeat and we get more intimate.

(Recall gap.)

Then I'm on my own and I wander toward a dirtier area. The dream starts to mix with BL and there's some area I can't get through because it's claimed and has locked doors. I hear people talking beyond the doors, making plans. I decide to try and dig my way around into their town.

Fragment:

Walking up a place like the nearby bridge over the station. Rest of recall gone.

---

Notes:

- Although most of my recall of these fragments is very limited now, I still have a bit of the visual recall of the dream in the warehouse. Despite it being a dark and somewhat empty place, there was light coming in through some windows near the top of one of the walls. In a way, this warehouse has some resemblance to the gym space where I had a lot of PE lessons.

- The warehouse area seems like an odd place to me for something erotic to happen, as I tend to be somewhat averse to dirt, but in the last year I have had to get into dirty areas more often because of helping H with work. The girl's presence and our interactions may have been some metaphor of our relationship manifesting itself in the dream. I often wish I could be more romantic as in that dream, but I am often too tired and too preoccupied with my internal worries to feel like I can initiate something like that properly.

Finally done with catch-up now.

---

8th September 2020

Fragment:

Very long dream, poor recall because I had no chance to write about it until the evening.

A small housing area. Modern-style appearance, cubical lots of white and concrete and glass, but low flats? Two, three story at most. Vague details of it, but the plot revolved around marriage and the dream characters were all fictitious. I was myself, but mostly only in a physical sense, my life here was its own life, created by the dream.

The dream character I was supposed to marry was some girl, with odd hair or something? There was a Middle Eastern or Italian feel to her family. Maybe just Mediterranean in general.

Her father was famous/infamous. I think he was especially notorious for what he would do when he disapproved of a groom. I remember at first I did meet with his approval but at some point I realised this wasn't due to last, for some reason. Then, when he did become disapproving, he did not treat me as cruelly as he had treated others in the past, but warned me that something bad was to happen?

The girl became distant. Most of the dream's plot took place at their family flat.

11th September 2020

Fragment:

Again long dream but recall faded, left it too long.

I'm in some kind of fantasy action RPG. By the end, I entered some special hell area (very orangey) through a portal. The portal was framed by some sharp obsidian fang shapes?

I remember dying in that area, a stupid and avoidable death I think. That made me lose a lot of progress, at least of everything I'd done in there, which I now couldn't recover for some reason. Interactions with some narrating npc?

Fragment:

Micro dream where I'm looking at erotic art on my PC. The explorer layout is not my usual one but in the dream I don't make special note of this. A lot of the art is greyscale or line art only. I think about tracing some of it for practice but I end up feeling aroused as I'm looking through the pieces. Some of them were real ones I know from waking life but I think many were simply dream-generated.

Fragment:

Another dream in which I returned to the context of the first one. I was some warrior class character and fighting waves of humans and dwarves equipped with dark-ish metal armours. Every so often when I killed enemies, red banners would prop up on a black pole, with semi-random frequency. I remember looting some items.

Was too tired to make note of more and recall faded too much.

Morning of August 17, 2016. Wednesday.



My wife Zsuzsanna and I seem to be much younger, perhaps both in our twenties, seemingly about the same age. My dream starts (or at least becomes viably discernible) at a point where we are walking out from the Cubitis carport (a common induction point in my childhood and teenage years) about an hour or two before dawn.

We are headed out to the highway area just beyond the big front yard (the original Highway Seventeen) for some reason. I notice that the area is different. Instead of a culvert, the land is elevated about eight feet above the highway (which is an intriguing variation I had never dreamt of before). I notice a few wastebaskets just off the highway, of various sizes and colors, which I consider as belonging to neighbors. I also get the impression that people sometimes sit in the area on the wayside below as an act of socialization.

Zsuzsanna goes north to the area near where Harold’s orange grove started. There is an unusual large light-colored tree growing through a recess (or circular “notch”) in the embankment with its west side open (and facing the highway). Most of the branches (at least those in view) look as if they had been cut off about a foot or so from the trunk. Some of the exposed roots seem to be nearly at the height of the embankment (extending into the recess only) even though the trunk also properly extends from the ground below just off the highway. I do not question this highly unlikely and illogical feature. There is no traffic on the highway during the length of my dream.

After a short time, even though I have no lucidity, I will a television to appear. It is a widescreen television similar to our real one and it faces the house. I tell Zsuzsanna to “watch this” as I manipulate its placement without touching it, using telekinesis to slide it a bit more north. (At no point is anything discernible or considered to be more north of the tree.) There is a sense of puzzlement where I consider that the embankment may have a slope from the ground level below that is horizontally deeper in near the bottom, and if this is the case, there may be people there though unseen, though this does not seem to be the case after a time. I cause the television to float in the air a few times, just past the edge of the embankment, as I contemplate what to do with it.

I eventually start moving my hands in both a vertically and horizontally increasing span (moving my arms about slowly in an arc) as if indicating that the television is getting larger both in its width and height. This actually works and I am amused as I cheerfully ask Zsuzsanna “how is this?” It becomes very large, nearly as big as a movie theater screen (though with the black surface of a television), several times its original size. The detail seems flawless in how it slides and becomes larger, vaguely reminiscent of shutters opening (though not directly rendered as such, though I do get an association of parts of it flopping out from the side as it evenly grows larger though not as if by original design). My dream becomes more and more vivid as I go closer to the tree and the edge of the embankment and I sit down to the left of the tree (south side). It is the only tree visible in the area.

Zsuzsanna starts climbing the tree, but only near embankment height, and she mostly only circles around it, sitting on a truncated (seemingly evenly sawed-off) branch a couple times, while facing the tree. Still, I am concerned that she could slip or fall and I tell her to be careful as I would not want anything to happen. I then use telekinesis to start causing dirt to fill in the recess that the tree is adjacent to, but decide to stop after a short time even though the completion would cause the area to be more stable to walk on (though this is not really logical as in reality there would still be less dirt overall in the area, although there is a sense that I may be creating it as I also mentally move it). Zsuzsanna seems very happy and deriving pleasure from moving about the tree’s circumference (while staying mostly at the embankment height, going neither up or down). I feel a sensual attraction to her as she sits on the truncated branch facing the tree, the scene being somewhat erotic.

---

Since 1968, Highway Seventeen (the original name as the stretch is now called Northeast Cubitis Avenue), when featuring as the main setting of a dream (especially in the final segment) causes an absolutely amazing heightened sense of clarity and extremely clear “realistic” detail and vividness. I suspect at least two possible reasons for this. A highway often seems symbolic of the strongest link between dream self and more discernible increasingly active consciousness. I also spent a lot of time (during a period of about eight years) waiting on the wayside for the school bus (as well as getting off there in the afternoon), and so these two factors also can combine to validate this as an augmented liminal space and “arriving home” (waking up) scenario. The fact that I non-lucidly create and manipulate the television (which usually represents a dream within a dream though in contrast also a link to the external real environment) seems to be a very intriguing non-lucid practice of dream manipulation (though many dreams throughout my life, I as my dream-self have also manipulated non-lucidly solely by pretense and nearly subliminal expectation, though this does not always work, as with my recent “Robot Help” dream as an example). Additionally, the television expanding and growing larger is also analogous to my dream becoming more vivid.

Bedtime: 10:30 pm
WBTB: 4:00 am (awake about 20 mins)
Technique: DILD
Notes: This dream occurred before my WBTB alarm. This is the second time in the last couple weeks where I used an induction technique WITHIN a dream to become lucid. Very strange.

I am at my dad's house. I am with my family in the living room. I decide to see if I can fall asleep on the floor (in the dream) and have a lucid dream. I use an LD technique to enter a lucid dream. As I enter the new dream, I become fully lucid.

I am in an unfamiliar city. I remember I still want to cause an earthquake for the bonus task, so I ask the dream directly for an earthquake. Nothing happens, so I tell myself to give it time and explore the dream. I wander around a junk yard full of old cars. I see an attractive man in one of the cars. He has a large dog, possibly a pit bull, in the back seat. I climb in the car to pet the dog and talk to the man. I feel attracted to the man, so decide to kiss him. The erotic feelings cause the dream to begin collapsing so I get out of the car quickly before I wake myself up.

I ask the dream again for an earthquake. Again, nothing happens so I continue to explore. I enter a large office building. I go up several levels and look out the windows, hoping to see some sign of an earthquake. Nothing. I try to remember the other July tasks. I recall the task to prank a DC. I don't feel comfortable pranking my DC's, but decide to give it a try anyway since I can't figure out the earthquake situation. I see a man dressed in a suit standing by a drinking fountain. I walk up behind him and pull down his pants. He turns to me surprised and perplexed. I apologize, and explain that I am working on my LD tasks. I then offer to let him pull my pants down so we are even. He agrees and pulls my pants down. We laugh, then I experience an awkward moment of erotic feelings. I immediately leave, again afraid of the dream collapsing.

I go downstairs to what appears to be the company cafeteria. I see several familiar faces. I decide to approach another male DC and ask his opinion about monthly LD tasks. He seems interested, and goes on to explain how interesting it would be to explore religions symbols for the TOTM. I am intrigued, but wonder if that is too philosophical for some people. I ask another DC what he thinks would be a fun TOTM. He says he would really like to see people picking raspberries. I consider this, amused. I then continue approaching people. I ask the next DC if she has heard anything about an earthquake. She shows me a newspaper with a headline saying scientists expect an earthquake to occur sometime that day. This encourages me. I then see my ex-boyfriend in the crowd. I tell him we are dreaming and we can do anything. He is amused and agrees to go exploring with me. I show him how to jump and fly over the tables to exit the building. The DCs get agitated by our flight and begin a food fight among themselves. I am then woken up by my alarm.

Dream 1 - seds exam
Me and my friend John are in a car and driving around for part of a field trip related to the sedimentology paper we're studying. I remember being near the coastline and seeing some calm water while we're on a dirt road nearby under the canopy of some pine trees. I think we're pissy about something. We're back in the paleosed lab in our geology department studying for the exam now which is related to the field trip we've just been on. John tells me that the other people studying have placed the 'backshore' zone *here* (he shows me somehow, maybe with a picture). I get annoyed, "dude they're doing it wrong. Look at this" I start illustrating the beach and shoreface zones in their entirety and start teaching him about everything. "Well damn mister sedimontologist huhuhu" he says jokingly (kind of an inside joke where he's saying I'm a smartass ).

Dream 2 - Goddess Nightmare
This dream was a little weird. I remember being on a boat, surrounded by water. I know that in the direction behind me is land somewhere but I can't see it. There are other people on the boat but I don't recall seeing them. There's internal dialogue going on, I'm just.. Thinking?
"The beginning of the world was due to the contact between the gods and goddesses" (this is similar to Greek mythos I think, Oranos the sky father and Gaia the earth mother). I'm in the water now, the boat is non existant and the dream is showing the distance between gods. I represent a god that is wading in the water, while in the distance I know there is another god but she's only just visible and is wading in the water. It's supposed to be impossible to contact one another, but the dream story says that we do and that is how everything begins.

It is now a different time, the 'present'. Mankind has to be careful of the gods and goddesses because they walk among us in disguise. They require constant sacrifices every day. Some seduce their prey and kill them in their houses. I think a hot woman picks me up and we head to her house. She's actually a goddess (surprised?)... I think she goes into another room to get change and tells me to wait here (in the living room I guess). I think I somehow discover she's a goddess as I seem to see her on her bed in a red fishnet body dress thing. She was doing erotic stuff and I was like "oh shit she's going to kill me" so I ran and hid. Another person turns up and she kills him instead. I'm hiding in her closet but it's full of 'skins'. Like body suits she can wear to disguise herself. Behind them all is another door which takes me into another bedroom. She's still after me so I think I bolt out the window and onto the grass outside. I run downhill on the lawn towards the main road and manage to escape but the whole time I was terrified. Like she could get ahead of me somehow and come around some corner with an axe like they do in the horror movies O_O. I decided I wanted to wake up so I did.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening

This one is both erotic and gross, so be warned.

I am attending my guru's teachings but it turns into something else. He is performing something like an empowerment and then he directs his attention to me, by making a reference only I understand. Then he throws a kind of ritual cover with buddhist symbols over my lap. It seems random or accidental, but I am starting to think maybe not. Then he recites something nysterious and a lady on his left side, who is helping with the ritual, finishes with a sort of wishful phrasing like "may your wish be fulfilled" meant for the guru.
After this event, as night falls, I feel light headed and eerie and an urge to go somewhere. I feel fluid and like walking on clouds. I move like dancing, but I don't know where I am going. I feel like I'm being drawn somewhere until I actually feel like a real hand guiding all my movements. It's a warm and gentle hand. I submit willingfully.
I arrive at a place with a couple of guards by a door, but the door is wide open and there's someone descending a staircase. It is my guru, but a god-like version of him, skin so flawless as made of metal. And he is completely naked, using only adornments around his waist, neck and head. On one hand he has pointy silvered fingernails. He embraces me, I feel his warmth and smoothness. He removes my dress with just a touch and turns me around. We're both naked in front of a mirror. He kisses me and caresses me. I feel horny like crazy, I'm panting with desire. Then he pierces my left ear lobe with his silver fingernails and starts sucking my blood. At the same time he penetrates me from behind. He says calmly "I'm in". I'm lost in ecstasy, I have never felt like this before.
I am about to explode with pleasure when he tells me "do not come". He pulls out of me and tells me to simply let the blood come out. I'm not sure what he means. I know he means blood coming out of my "secret place", I just wonder why. Then he disappears, leaving me in an indescribable state. I feel drained and exhausted, yet, in a climax like no other I've ever experienced. I feel like he went to the deepest inside me and became part of it. I feel like I died and I am reborn again.
When I wake up, I still linger on that feeling and emotion and feel exhausted and exhilarated at the same time.
Meanwhile, my period came. Odd timing.

Monday, 25th August 2014

Moon Cycle:New Moon in Virgo

Tarot card of the Day: Ace of Cups

Mayan Calender:Blue Cosmic Storm

Nostril less blocked on awakening: Right (Masculine,left brain,logical/analytical)

This dream occoured on the start of the New Moon on Monday when my girlfriend,myself and two other friends (another couple) decided to hike up one of the nearby mountains and camp out in a secluded cave for a night of shamanism and star-gazing.

As the clear,still night fell we all consumed a small amount of plant medicines in the form of a tea (San Pedro and Psilocybin).
The effects where felt, although very mild.
We made a fire and began telling stories,playing music and chanting before falling asleeping just before the crack of dawn.


Dream:

I'm speeding through a city which resembles my hometown on my black Enfield motorbike, still on the initial lucidity realization high. I feel confident and invincible...there seems no reason to stabilize the dream.
(ln retrospect I should have, as I only maintained a surface level of lucidity)

I weaved through traffic, knocking pedestrians and cars to pieces knowing that no real bodily harm could transpire.
Or could it?
I asked myself the question while taking a particularly long and wide corner and the mental doubt caused the tires to slip from under me .
I began to slide with my right leg being dragged underneath the bike.

Swiftly I jumped up and let my bike continue to slide away while i scurried to my feet.
"it's just a dream,its just a dream...",I reminded myself.

There was a feeling of angst that the dream was about to end, which caused my behavior to become erratic and crazy to say the least.
Even though I was conscious and somewhat lucidly aware,it was as if my primal male instincts took over and I was observing my dream body on auto pilot.

I saw a frozen yogurt cafe on the sidewalk where I just had crashed and sprinted into it in a frenzy.
Jumping over the counter where various cakes and sweets where displayed, i proceeded to stuff as many flavors of frozen yogurt in my mouth using the cooling dispensers which lay along the far wall.

"What are you doing?",the cashier shouts from across the other end of the room.
"Whatever I want!" I reply in a commanding tone.

I double take at the cashier and notice she is extremely attractive.
Curly brunette hair ,deep brown eyes,olive skin, curvaceous body and full lips.

My "cave-man" mentality at the time gets the better of me and I grab her by the arm and pull her into the back room.
Strangely she complied without any resistance.
The erotica that ensued was very intense,fast paced and primal...with ripping off clothes, loud shouts and groans and the collision of sweaty bodies... often being thrown around the room.

Then she uttered something in my ear...
"Remember what you are here for...."
I was struck by a sudden clarity and lucidity again.
"The dream task!"I exclaimed.
I left the sexual escapades in the back room and ran outside.

Many dream characters where sitting on the sidewalk in the sunshine drinking around round white tables.
I took a seat at one of them and asked a chubby short man to tell me a foreign word and its meaning.
He replied in something that sounded similar to Spanish.
I then asked a middle aged lady sitting adjacent to him the same question,and she replied in what I could make out to be a French accent.

Upon awakening I was unable to recall the words or their meaning...only the unique accents in which the DC's spoke.
Arg.

Almost!

Saturday, 17th August

Moon: 62% illuminated waning gibbous (21 days old) in Taurus

Tarot of the Day: Knight of Pentacles

Mayan 13 Moon Calender Date: White Self Existing Dog

Nostril open on awakening: Left (feminine side/right brain)

Dream:

A sprawling Florentine city lay before Matt and I.
(Matt is one of my best friends,although we do not see each other anymore as he lives overseas)
We explore the Tuscan city fully prepared up with our backpacks and camping gear.There seemed to be a reason for us to avoid authority on every occasion that they appeared.Why I do not know

The was an electric charged energy of festivities that lingered in the air,and there many females paraded around the narrow streets dressed entirely in white.
Woman's day perhaps?

We reach an empty silo made of large off-beige coloured bricks. Inside we find many thin wooden poles that have their one end firmly concreted into the wall, with the other side protruding outward. We glanced at each other and I can telepathically tell we're both thinking the same thing...
Monkey bars!
My conscious perspective shifts to the 3rd person and I watch Myself and Matt climb and swing from one pole to the next,slipping a couple of times but saving ourselves with a swift grab and grasp on the lower poles.

I find myself in a big open plaza with my black Royal Enfield motorbike,the same one I had when travelling around India.
A group of excited and most likely intoxicated middle aged ladies are celebrating in a big white double decker bus with the roof removed about 30 metres to my left.Shortly after, they exit the plaza in a frenzied blur.

There's a cold breeze out, so I lay along the length of the long motorbike seat and cover myself with a blanket.
Jenna,a petite girl with blonde dreadlocks and piercing blue eyes approaches from behind to chat with me. I can immediatly sense the attraction between us and I invite her to come join me under the covers.
She surveys the parking lot anxiously, and I can see her think twice about my offer, but eventually she obliges.
We begin to talk about how body warmth is the best thing to keep warm in this cold weather. This was just small talk as the fondling began to escalate, with me spooning her tightly from behind.
I stop.I know this is wrong.I know that she has a boyfriend, and a child with the same man. Guilt grabs continue hold of my gut and my primal nature is unhappily halted.
Jennas initial reluctancey of joining me made complete sense.

We continue to chat about bland surface layer topics without the previous sexual aura, yet i know that she began asking herself question.
"Why did he stop?Surely i made it clear what I wanted by jumping under the covers with him??"

Later, around the lunch table, I see her boyfriend sitting with a black beanie covering his long hair... and his smiling eyes greet me. I act as if nothing has happened.

The plaza now seemed to be a full on festival,and in the corner of my eye I see my parents,looking startled and out of place.
I decide to give them some pure MDMA to ease their anxieties.
"What the hell is this??",my mother asks worryingly.
"Just trust me and take it.", I tell her as I break the large pinkish-white crystal into two pieces,giving the bigger half to my Father.

Dream 1

I'm inside a abandoned house which looks old but classical to an extent. I feel a little creeped out by look of the house and the fact that it's empty and abandoned. I reach a room which has metal panels which I thought, may have had computer technology attached to it.

I'm now sitting on a couch with Kayley in the lounge room of the house and her dirt bikes riding outside. Kayley mentions something about them.

People start to come inside the house as if it's a party. I see Tilly from the reality TV show Big Brother, and others that myself and Kayley recognize. We both look at each other as if we know and secret which no one else in the room knows. I get up and greet Tilly, by shaking her hand i think. The other guy we knew is sitting at the table with us. Kayley greets him and says his name by accident. He's name was Matt. Matt is surprised that she knows his name and is a little suspicious.

I begin to become aware inside the dream at some point. I don't think I did a reality check.

I'm looking through a beautiful stained draws. I open up some compartments with another DC. I compliment the look of the piece. She doesn't mention anything back to me, and is just standing near by. At this point I'm pretty much lucid and my animal instinct kicks in [i really gotta kick this out of my mind when lucid lol] I begin to seduce her by touch her feet and stroking them very lightly. She is now caught in my intentions and begins to take her clothes off. She's down to her underwear and I feel it's time for me to lay down and bring her into me. Dream ends.

Dream Fragment:

1. I'm outside doing something. Think it was linked to previous dream.

2. I'm laying on the ground and Jade is laying over the top of me with her breasts in my face. They have a bad odor smell to them. I tell her that they smell.

Dream 2

I'm walking towards the train station via Daryl's street and seem to be off to the shopping center. I realize i forgot my bike and seem a little unsure if I should turn back or continue walking. After if-ing and are-ing I eventually decide to head back to get my bike. As I'm walking back I see a girl from my school Jess. She has very blonde hair, you could almost call if white. We smile as we pass and I decide to do a reality check by looking at my hands. I notice I have extra fingers but it doesn't click with me straight away and decide to do it again and count. I have 7 fingers. I try not to get overly excited as it's my first time being lucid in 5 or so months. I see Jess walk passed again with someone else but I ignore them and decide to stabilize the dream. I rub my hands together, spin and even shake my head, but the head shaking my head feel off. I'm in a room with about 4 of so DC's. I'm a bit overwhelmed of what to do in my lucid dream. I walk up to a DC and annoy him a little. I try to talk but my voice is slurring as if I've had a stroke. Dream ends.

Dream 3
Recorded at 7:40am

I'm back inside the abandoned house in the kitchen. I'm already lucid and don't think I needed to reality check. I see a man which seems to be a teacher of lucid dreaming or maybe just giving his 2 cents on what was happening. He tells another DC the reason he became lucid is probably due to the fact he was excited.

I have a water bottle in my hand and decide to pour it over my face to see if it helps stabilizing which didn't really have much effect except a slight feeling of cold when pouring it. I see Sabrina from a talent show "The Voice" Australia. I find her attractive and pull my non hard dick and slowly put it in her mouth (face palm). Before I get any pleasurable sensations, I awaken.

Side Notes:
Woke up a few times and had a headache, which kept me up a little, which may have played a factor in being more aware in dreams.
I try to DEILD my way back into each dream but I seem a little impatient and cut it short. I did see light flashes at one point. By me trying this, it may have played a part in my awareness in the upcoming dreams which gave me lucidity.