side notes

2022 May 2nd

Note to self, at this point I started recording dreams with year first, month second and day third, because as I was archiving dream notes from my old phone, I realised just how much of a mess day first was causing me and it was something I had not given any thought when I first started recording them in that way. In the future, it will be easier to maintain an organised record by using year first, as I already do for some other things.

Some in-line notes.


Dream (Fragmented):

I'm at my old bedroom. Dad is here visiting or something. For some reason, there are some sex toys out in my room and dad grabs them and piles them on top of an old computer desk I used to have in waking life. (The plastic "veneered" one)

Dad doesn't comment much of anything about the sex toys, but I feel embarrassed. He talks to me about something completely unrelated.

(recall gap)

I'm swimming out of a body of water into a stairwell. I can't see the bottom of the water and as I climb out of the water, I'm soaked and dripping. I don't feel cold or hot. My hair is somewhat long and I see it in front of me and feel water dripping off it. The place looks like a school of some kind.

I get up to the first mid-landing of these stairs and then climb some more steps up to a second landing. There are no more stairs after this point, as if they're missing, and so this landing just leads over back into the water again, from a higher point.

(The preceding segment was recalled while dreaming the next segment)

I'm in a field, walking along with two people. One of them is a local, the other someone I know (from the dream?). This field is strange, as it is made up of "strips" about one yard wide of specific plants, which all just seem rather wild and not at all cultivated, despite the organised strip logic going on.

As a result, there's a varied array of colours, ranging from a nearly blue-green to a dry yellow-green or maybe brown. The local man is slim and on the older side. He tells me something about how they have no choice and how this is all they can afford to do. I understand "they" as their people, as if I'm visiting somewhere that I'm foreign to.

Then, as we walk off the slightly sloped field area and starting down on a slightly steeper slope, I notice a small lizard, about a foot long counting the tail. Its on the side of a plant or a piece of dry/dead wood. It has a black scaled body interrupted by fluorescent yellow chevron stripes. The tail is flat and spiney, almost beaver-like.

Then we're walking into a road and I worry about traffic but it doesn't look like there's any, it looks kind of desolate or calm. It's day time, the sun is low but it's not sunset yet and it's half cloudy but it appears bright. There's a road for each direction and they're about twenty to thirty feet away from the other, one of them being on a lower bit, as this whole area is a sort of downwards-sloping cliff seaside cliff area, to the end of which we're walking towards.

As we get closer, even though the lowest point of the cliff is only about one yard up from sea level, I feel afraid I might drop or be pushed into the sea (on accident or otherwise). (It's at this point I recall the previous segment, I think the water must trigger the memory, though I don't think I "live" the memory in the dream at this point)

Then, I'm at a house that looks like old home. Some part of recall is missing, weirdly I seem to have slept on the sofa and it's as if I was really asleep in the dream, for a time. I grab something I'd apparently left on the sofa. I see the old man from before and say "morning" to him. I feel a little disoriented and think to myself that I didn't mean to fall asleep and yet I did somehow.

Then, I'm at an ALDI with H. We drove in in a sporty car. We pretend we're only friends and H says to a checkout person he has to get a massage coupon thing for his partner. The person at the checkout asks "what would she like?" and meanwhile I'm looking for three two-litre bottles of some soft drink, though I can only find one bottle. This ALDI feels more like a tiny service station shop and I think to myself we should have gone to our usual place. (This segment had something to do with the previous one, but I could not retain recall of what or how)

(recall gap)

Something about playing a game with a demon, and needing to do this to release an angel or something. The game doesn't make much sense at all and I can't think of how to describe it; in any case I struggle with this game in the dream. This takes place at some big/vast house, or some kind of palace.


Notes:

- Although I'd normally make this dream only visible to myself and DV contacts and so on, I feel that part of me has done that far too often of late, out of some sense of lack of confidence, an aspect I've been struggling with (again) in waking life.

- This entire dream was very peculiar. I feel I could make this remark about so many dreams. In particular however, this dream felt especially switched on in terms of symbolic representation. When recalling the dream, it feels like some part of me was aware of this. Everything about it feels organised and metaphorical in a deeper way than usual, though I think some of it may be inexpressible through words. The dream itself in parts felt like one of those dreams that feels just like life in the sense of "this is how things are, this is my life". This dream would benefit greatly from a fuller exploration on paper that is not constrained to words alone and that can make directed (lines/arrows) associative links between elements.

- I suspect that dad was representative of false expectations in some sense, because in the dream my embarrassment and the sex toy context were in fact irrelevant to our conversation about whatever else dad talked about. I am not certain what the significance of that desk specifically might be, but I must have been around 8 or 9 years of age when we had that desk, and the computer used communally with my siblings was on top of it, under one of the bunk beds.
-- In a sense, the sex toys are also likely representative of the other side of false expectation; what my mind or feelings give importance to often has nothing to do with how others are perceiving me and if anything, I end up being bound or imprisoned by my own false notions of what others think.
-- The other aspect to this is that family (represented by dad) are something that I keep entirely separate from sexual contexts as far as mental constructs go, I feel more so than most other people do, though that may be a result of upbringing; here, the two contexts meet but are essentially ignored by one another, as dad makes no remark and pays no mind, other than some sort of strange "tidying out of the way", and the toys themselves are inert objects that cannot on their own express anything except via context. This makes me think about how Jung defined libido as "psychic energy" as opposed to "sexual energy" as Freud probably did and it seems like the sex toys can also be representative of a transformation of my point of view on said energies. Again, I cannot fully form thoughts on this via text alone, this requires diagrammatic and drawn exploration that can show links and associations in a way that text can't.

- The flooded school bit was odd because of how vivid it felt in terms of sensations, regarding swimming and water. I don't remember any specific emotions, but the school was an unknown place that I've never visited and which only vaguely conformed to some constructs of schools, none of which I've ever encountered myself.

- I can't help but feel that I associate the encounters with water in this dream as being some kind of metaphor relating to collectives, more so than an unconsciousness. In a sense, the stairs were exactly about this; I can leave a collective but on the way up and out, there's actually no way out, and all I can see again is the collective, despite whatever other aspiration I might have had. There was a (somehow neutral) sense of hopelessness to this in the dream.

- The strange field feels like it was about my whole Self. The locals, i.e. my non-conscious elements, do their best to cultivate other non-conscious elements and so on (the plants) but they are constrained by what they can afford to do. I am not sure what "afford to do" could mean in a sense of personality. The land felt inhospitable to cultivation and taming, and perhaps these non-conscious elements actively taking part in growing and tending to things, are actually unwelcome by the rest of the unconscious landscape. I am checking in on them, but I seem to be there in a capacity that cannot act or make changes to the situation at present, and that any changes would have to be future, such as based on a report or the like.
-- In a sense, the plants felt very much foreign to the land as I did, even if the locals themselves just seemed... Well, local.

- Despite the small size, the lizard felt instantly appealing to look at, to be interested in. The black scaled body felt immediately relatable to what I have wanted to portray in my alter-ego for some time. The chevron striped pattern seemed unique to me. And in some sense I always find myself relating to reptiles though I have seldom spent time near them, perhaps because they have a tendency to run away from humans and to be solitary, which may be part of the appeal in itself. The lizard's tail appeared dangerous but as the lizard was most likely not aggressive, it seemed like an aspect of self-defence only. Curiously, I am now recalling that the lizard seemed to be in shade rather than in sunlight, and it's the only wild animal I recall seeing in the dream.

- The part with H at the service station ALDI definitely feels related to how perceptions are so based on physical appearances and how it's very difficult to move on from this, in cultural terms.

- The game with the demon felt like some kind of mix between Tetris, cards and other games of chance. I really can't describe it, especially for how little visual recall I have left of it. I just remember a somewhat dark and red-hued room, and a cloth-draped table.

26th April 2022

Fragment:

Something about WoW. I remember discussing Sunken Temple in chat and also being near the actual place.


28th April 2022

Fragment:

Something about drawing. I draw or notice in a character drawing, some different way of shading around the edges? (Wish I'd retained recall better)


29th April 2022

~9:00
Fragment:

(Left recall too long, about two hours from waking)

A dream bit where I'm either an observer or just watching in some sense. These two women are fighting each other, one of them is in her mid fourties or so and she's using a pole or something like one to attack the other woman. She has semi Asian features but would otherwise seem Caucasian, with a sort of gristly and greying black wavy hair.

The other woman is in her mid twenties or so. She's white, has straight black hair. The area is like some outdoor stone steps, cream colours, modern architectural feel.

As the two of them fight, the younger one starts growing, at first only her breasts but then all of her, proportionally. The older woman remarks cheekily on this and the growing younger woman complains that now she won't be able to go to the ball or gala (?) and in the end her breasts end up being smaller in proportion compared to how they were before the growth. She's also upset about the fact that she won't be able to get any clothes to fit her now.

(Dream went on, rest of recall was lost)


Notes:

- Mostly some notes for the last fragment: It is not too typical for me to be present in a dream only as an observer, though it does happen. In this case however, the relation between the dream characters seems like a dynamic that might happen between some of my characters like S and N, though with a detached relationship between each other in this case.

- The older woman had more air of confidence to herself than the younger one did, and if anything the younger woman had more anger to her. This may be a reflection of what I've found through my own conscious and waking retrospection as I've gotten older.

- In a sense, both women were the same woman. The older woman could be said to be an altered or warped version of the younger and what she lacked in drive she made up for in the self-confidence; this seems evident from how she made a cheeky remark when the younger woman started growing, rather than being intimidated by the fact. And likewise, the younger woman's angry drive became more of a hapless confusion as the situation changed unexpectedly, her concerns turning away from the immediate fighting (perhaps because the threat appeared diminished relative to her) and onto concerns about a unspecified future (the clothes, the ball/gala).

- A side note here, S and N appeared as characters mostly through non-conscious manifestation, whilst their development became partly consciously adopted. So for me the relationship between these two women in this dream is of special interest because it happened entirely out of a non-conscious dynamic, which evolved on its own. I had no influence or interaction, I was simply an observer, which meant that their development was not influenced by my thought, because as the type of observer I was, I had no specific thoughts, perhaps because any part of me that was capable of thought and emotion was inhabiting the women, whilst the senses themselves were not removed from my point of view, as an observer.

I have been in a dreaming rut for a month now. My work schedule has allowed me to sleep in way to much and I have had no willpower to dream journal this whole time. Fortunately, my life is becoming less stressful which makes me think I will get an up-kick in my discipline and routine soon. I have already been making progress in my witchcraft and tulpamancy.

I have been learning to manipulate psychic energy by reading the book Psychic Witch by Mat Auryn. I learned to feel my astral body when I was 16 while researching astral projection but I never learned to draw on external energy sources until reading this book. Practicing channeling terrestrial and celestial energy makes me a circuit for so much energy it leaves me feeling strained by at the end of the day because I'm not yet very good at turning that energy off.

Juliana, my tulpa and dream guide, has made some new internet friends recently. She enjoys texting because it makes her feel very present and appreciated. I look forward to the next time I summon her in a dream. I'm thinking about incubating a spa where she and I can relax and have a nice conversation.

Strange magic dragon dream
I am at building C of my school, on the second floor (entering from the yard, you basically have 4 important doors on the bottom floor. Two on either side, which lead to a staircase leading up all the way to the third floor, with every second platform, occurring after every second unit of stairs, leading to the corresponding floor. In front and behind you, you have exits, the former leading directly to the street and the latter to the school yard. To your left, you have a freestanding stairway, leading up to a platform, whose shape can be imagined as a rectangle without the bottom edge showing the path you can walk along, the path fitting to the wall. From there, multiple rooms can be accessed and also two doors leading to the left and right staircases to the other floors). There, I apparently have a kind of private lesson with a teacher I actually do not particularly like, but, apparently he wants to teach me, and a small group of other people who want this, how to become a dragon and I guess to harness that kind of magic(? not sure about the magic part. might have had to do with fire). Thus, I enter the class. I was excited, but had a kind of feeling in me that this would be too good to be true. Though, then, after a while, it did kind of work and I guess I transformed into some kind of humanoid dragon form. I felt a great amount of the feeling of freedom and also a kind of wildness along with this. I remember knowing that this would just be a small taste and that there was more potential in this ability. At this point, I guess I had remembered others and also myself couldn't see this happen (despite us having seen it before; it was kind of contradictory, even the moment this came up) and I thought that this would just be too good to be true and that I was stuck in wishful thinking again. The teacher wanted us to try flying, but I thought that was kind of stupid, considering the fact that apparently the bell had rung and everyone was moving to their other classes, so everyone would just think we're crazy and other teachers would get angry at us, so I just waited, despite my anxiety, as I knew the teacher was impatient, but that was just way too stupid of an idea to me. So, eventually, everyone had seemingly moved and I felt like nobody was going to see this, so, after watching some of the others in my group managing to lift off and fly around, I tried flapping my arms (despite me knowing that we were doing this because apparently we had learned to develop our wings enough), and, as I failed to lift off, I felt like my worries were confirmed and was discouraged, but did not have the plan to give up. I subsequently woke up.

---

Finally started journaling again. There has just been a lot of stressful stuff going on in my life, which has prevented me from continuing this for quite a while.

I actually only remembered this because I saw a cloaked person outside, which reminded me of harry potter, which reminded me of this for some reason. Weird.

Legend:
Dream
Notes
Awake

Lucid with Jamie but not sure.

I was walking outside of my house? Became lucid randomly. It was night out. I realized I wanted to find Jamie. I had passed a car previously. I turned around to find it but it was gone. I went to the driveway a bit past where the car was parked. A Really old red VW Beetle was parked there (Days later in waking life on the face book swap/n/buy for my are an old red VW beetle was listed. precog dream???). I checked my pocket and had a key. The key looked like an old house key. I acted as if it as the car key. I sat down in the car found a place for the key to turn and went through the motions of starting the car and it worked. I drove downtown in a generic dream city that was like calgary or parts of Toronto. I started saying Jamie's full name out loud.

Came to a basket ball court. Saw a Woman standing there with pink dyed hair and brown eyes. Didn't quite look like Jamie but the feeling was that it was her. I pulled up and said Hop in. Jamie looked at me with recognition, and got in the car. Initiated a casual greeting kiss. She acted natural with it. i was very lucid and started with questions. I asked, "Do you read my dreams?" She said "no." and i was shocked at the answer. But it wasn't her anymore. I was talking to a little yappy dog. and it was speaking a different language. I kept asking the same question. It said something like :Yes, and then : no. i was pretty flustered and woke up.


Putin

Yes, because of the war I started having these dreams while falling asleep. First is a black area and I just see Putin's face. He is angry and says, "I will push with this war into World war 3." Then i can see an explosion reflected in his eyes and then his face.

Second dream he had barbed wire around his neck and is choking. From sanctions no doubt?

19th February 2022

Fragment:

Some bit outside with childhood friend D. Unusually, he's sad or depressed, in an angry sort of way. There's a city road and cars, they seem abandoned?

Later. In a school place with H; there's some Chinese children and we have to walk through this room where some of the children are, to get to the teacher's desk. We have to be careful because the room is somewhat packed. The teacher is male and speaks in English to us.


20th February 2022

Fragment:

Something about factions and such. There's a sort of palatial and governmental-like building with guards, who tell me to take my boots off. In a certain part of the dream, playing soccer against my cousin T; we're both bare foot and she kicks me on the genitals as we're playing. It feels purposeful? I tell this lady supervising us that this isn't fair and that I would play better with my boots on anyway. This lady supervising is some sort of regional regent. There is no sense of a waking-world country being related to this place and its government.

(later) In the kitchen. Putting something for H in the red thermos (the one from family).


22nd February 2022

~6:00-10:00
Fragment (DFLN):

In some kind of base or complex. The walls are plain concrete or metal and there's a dry-green tinge. There's only artificial lighting and I can't recall daylight at any point. I interact with other characters though I mostly only vaguely recall a segment on some kind of descending shaft with a stairwell or something. A group of assassins that I'm investigating or something? Following a trail perhaps. In this cylindrical shaft with the stairwell I find a katana with a gilded pattern both on the hilt and at the base of the blade, the edge may be gilded too. I discuss the blade with someone, a woman(?) nearby, as I inspect it.

Fragment:
Space. Going towards the edge of the galaxy with a fleet. I encounter a previously unknown race which sells or trades with us for some technology blueprints they have available, including blueprints for a battlecruiser, or perhaps a battleship. I see a HW-like user interface and accept the exchange. I remember thinking that it would be very helpful to have some extra firepower because of others with overwhelming numbers.

Then, in a further region of space, further along towards the galaxy edge I think. Something about space or reality is distorted in this region.


26th February 2022

Scraps:

Something about cotton buds; blue stalks, in a clear plastic tub, round?


Notes:

- I've recently been playing Homeworld, so that's probably part of why there was this theme in the last fragment. Though in the Homeworld games there's mostly a focus towards going towards the galaxy core, as there is in some other similarly themed sci-fi games. In the dream, there was more of a sense of exodus away from the central areas, which also relates partly with the Homeworld story. When I've recently played the game again, I gave the story a lot more thought than the first times I played the games, years ago.

- It's curious that there was the theme with the assassins and the katana. I've recently had very vague thoughts about playing Divine Cybermancy again and I feel that the themes in that dream were partly intrusions from these thoughts.

- The bit where I'm playing soccer with my cousin, I think we're both adults and it's like she's implied to be an agent for this unknown government. I think in the dream I had a more connected sense of what was what but if I did, I couldn't hold on to recall it after waking.
- We were playing in a room and the whole thing felt like some kind of test. I imagine the low-blow has some kind of metaphorical meaning, anything relating to blows or hits to the area is a rare event in my dreams, and usually feels especially symbolic for some reason, perhaps in part due to its rarity too. There was also a sunset and cinematic-like feel, despite the fact I was myself in first-person.

2nd February 2022

Fragment:

A bit like DSP, travelling to a mini water planet orbiting a larger regular planet. I remember trying to build something, though finding it difficult because of not having much terrain to build on initially. Throughout this dream I recall a nice sense of scale and somewhat strange proportions with regards to perspective.

Dream:

Statue of Liberty arriving in bits for assembly, in several barges/boats. There's a wait for more parts to arrive. Some narration describing what's going on? Some ships are taking more months than they should be taking at sea and others are ending up at nearby docks, but still distant from where they should actually be arriving at.

The pieces of the statue are all already turned green. I mostly see all of this from distant or aerial views. Then I see a giant zombie rising from the ocean. It/he isn't hostile but is reckless and sinks at least one ship that happens to be in his path. I vaguely see red glowing eyes?

Eventually the entire scale of the dream decreases and instead of a large New York bay, the scene is now a street or room, with no trace of water or having been wet. The zombie is here and is childlike, both in size and behaviour; he's trying to communicate in some way, but not with language, as he doesn't seem capable of it.

There's a living child nearby, not sure if a boy or a girl. This child is curious about the zombie and wants to interact or play with him but some nearby adults or parents are very apprehensive and worried about the zombie child and want to keep the living child away, despite the fact that the child doesn't seem frightened or anything.

The zombie child seems to have been able to communicate that he wants an engineer or electrician, for something to do with electricity.


5th February 2022

Fragment:

Something about having the key to the car and driving around. H is in the passenger seat and we go via some mountainous areas which makes H critique my driving, though I comment that he hasn't been a passenger in a while either. Point of view shifts a few times, between first person and aerial views? Something blends with sci-fi or space context.


Notes:

- All throughout the dream with the zombie, there was a very grungy, gritty and generally dark or overcast mood to everything. Everything felt desaturated apart from a few details like the red eyes and the green of the statue's plating.

- The zombie figure is very clearly lacking specific skills that relate to consciousness but seems to make up for them through keen intuitive and primal instincts with regards to communication. His intents were never clear from the start apart from the fact that there was no open hostility, just a sort of single-minded tunnel-vision.
-- There are some other clear elements of unconsciousness about the zombie character, such as the fact that he rises suddenly from the ocean, such as thoughts or images that cross the threshold of consciousness but that do not yet make themselves clear or which have their own nature.
-- The giant attribute made me feel a mix of excitement, arousal and concern, as has always been common for me with such themes, a lot of the time. The fact that the character was undead added to the element of concern.

- Through most of that dream, I felt mostly detached from everything, like I was mostly there as an observer, though in the second half of the dream I felt more present.

Unfortunately, for one reason or another, I keep falling back on my backlog of dreams that I want to put up on this DJ. This is annoying me a bit so I better get back to catching up on myself.


2nd January 2022

Some in-line bracketed notes.

Dream:

I'm in a version of my current bedroom. The window is across the way from the bed, rather than being to a side. It's sunny and the curtains are open. There's a slightly portly man walking around the room, going on about what was discovered about pork meat, saying he should have known all along and that he was glad he didn't have too much of it in his life. I feel there's some irony considering his physical appearance. (at the time of this dream, I think I felt this had something to do with eating what I like while I can)

(recall gap)

Then, in a car outside with H. Again, sunny, clear and bright. We're talking? It's a busy place, in a cobbled street. Looks like certain areas in L. A scantily dressed woman waves at me with a smile from a third floor window. I wave back and say hi quietly, wondering why she was being so friendly, but further thinking that she probably just found me attractive. (not something I've ever thought about regarding someone looking at me)

Other minor and random interactions in the scope of friendliness with other characters. Me and H talk a bit more. Then, I'm outside the car.

I'm sort of standing at the midway point of a crossing that people are using. I'm still within talking distance of H and eventually we agree on something and I walk off. (much recall detail was lost, everything was fairly lively)

(recall gap)

Then, at a supermarket. I'm walking around trying to find something nice for us to have for lunch, even though some part of me remembers (false memory) making some sandwiches in buns. I end up finding a pastry aisle and I see some meat pasties which I'm interested in getting. I'm not sure where I should put them. I ask an attendant about bags or anything and she says "no, sorry" or something, and I realise that she doesn't actually speak much English. I walk back to the pastries area and eventually spot some paper bags cramped under something. Then, when I grab some they are actually cut out plastic bottles, though I don't realise this during the dream.

I use two to find two meat pasties which are now in some slick plastic cases and stuff them in the bottles. While I'm walking about I see a load of people at an entrance door and then they're all looking around the aisle. I realise on some level they're students.

(I woke up at some point and I remember falling asleep thinking about how I didn't realise I was dreaming with the previous night's dreams)


9th January 2022

Fragment:

In old home kitchen. I grab off the counter some ten by ten printed canvas which is wrapped in heatshrink (clear?). On the canvas is a young man and a woman, they're sitting on a boat or something and there's water behind them. They're family somehow; my nephew/niece, but older? She's sitting and wearing a white dress and a broad white hat. She has golden loop earrings. He's standing and wearing something darker, black or navy. Everything in the painting is moving slightly, the waves are alive and the two are looking towards the point of view and smiling.

(this dream was especially vivid in my mind at the time for a while and the idea of a canvas with moving imagery was very exciting at the time)

I noticed I had a very outdated goals section on the right. They must date back to 2016 from when I was active in the Dream Hero League. I wanted to make a new goals section but didn't want to delete the old ones completely so I'm archiving them here. I'm surprised by how many of them are checked off! It's funny that summoning Gandalf was a goal because I did that this morning.

RECENT GOALS
Do 10 different RCs in one dream ✓
(TOTM) Pull something out of my butt ✓
(TOTM) Jump into a washing machine and see where it takes me ✓
Practice Teleporting ✓
(TOTM) Pants a DC ✓
(TOTM) Fly faster than speed of light ✓
(TOTM) Ask a DC what would be a good TOTM ✓
(TOTM) Catch and summon a pokemon ✓
Learn more about Androx ✓
(DHL) Defeat a giant snake ✓
Talk to my dream guide again ✓

• Ask her name ✓ (Juliana)
• (TOTM) Ask her to follow me in a dream ✓
• (TOTM) Ask her a secret about a DV member ✓
• Ask her if she knows it's a dream ✓
• Ask her what her natural hair color is ✓
• Ask her the source of her magic (In laymens terms next time)

(DHL) Defeat a gangster thief ✓
(DHL) Do the DHL bomb mission ✓
Meet FireFlyMan ✓
Meet DreamCafe11 ✓
Have Juliana give me a magic lesson ✓
Drink a stability potion ✓
Fight AndresLD ✓
Magic lesson number two ✓
Chill with Juliana ✓
Summon the Master Sword again. ✓
Magic lesson three X
(DHL) Defeat an evil witch!
(DHL)Exprlore the DHL headquarters
Complete Deku Tree Dungeon with AndresLD
Get a consistent sleep cycle ✓
Go to the moon X
Make a pleasing stack of pebbles X
(TOTM) Eat a chocolate cake! ✓

CURRENT GOALS
Summon Juliana
Summon Gandalf

30th December 2021

Fragment:

I'm on some sort of hill castle's ruins. It's sunny and the area seems arid. There are guards below constantly firing arrows at wide intervals, many arrows hitting the walls. Eventually, two guards scale up the hill and the walls. I stab them with a gladius-like blade, one of them I stab in the chest and he falls back against the wall. Later on, they all leave, as if uninterested in continuing the attack. (not worth the risk?)

(recall gap)

Some bit later, in a sports centre of some kind. There's nobody in but myself and I think I'm filling something out. I seem confused about something, not sure what. Then, the centre quickly starts getting packed and I notice the time to be around 12:30 at this point, thinking about how it's an odd time for it to be getting busy.

(recall gap)

Then some bit at old home. MB is there and H is too. We're talking about rugby and I'm interested in it or something but I get the impression H thinks I shouldn't be. There's an odd (maybe tense?) atmosphere.

Notes:

- I have never been especially interested in rugby. I've thought about it as interesting, but never gone much further than that, disliking playing it.

- The atmosphere probably had something to do with H getting a gut feeling about MB and as if I was being seduced. Likely metaphorical context.

- Gladiuses, gladii, whatever, seem to have been appearing a fair bit in my dreams around this time. Perhaps of relevance, I was struggling a lot with mood and energy in this final part of the year.

- Thinking about the odd timing at the sports centre was a bit of a pre-lucid moment.
-- Feeling confused and then everyone coming in seems partly symbolic/metaphorical of answers trying to rush through and around me.

Some in-line notes.

23rd December 2021

Recall was left too long and could only retain vague fragments.

Fragment:

Something about being at old home, I'm in my room and it's sunny outside, though my curtains are drawn closed. They're the old white and yellow diamond curtains. I am moving towards my desk in the corner and feel the need to self-pleasure, but something makes it feel like I can't.

Then, something about going for an appointment. I am briefly outside. The light in the dream seems off somehow, like there's too much shade despite being daytime and how sunny it is, but I don't realise any of this while dreaming. Something happens in regards to me going to the appointment or something, and then I'm home. (Did this scene happen first?)

Fragment:

I'm outdoors and I was in a car before. The place I'm in is a forest and I eventually go through a cave too. There's a relatively small female black bear character, which has something anthropomorphic about it. I want to kill it using a rifle, and kite the bear around all over the place, at one point the bear becomes enraged (like a game buff) and I have awareness that a single hit from the bear could kill me. (Similar feel to being the scout on DRG and kiting a dangerous enemy)

Another half-anthro animal was involved in this at one point.


24th December 2021

Fragment:

It's relatively bright but not exactly sunny. I'm in our bedroom with H, who's on the bed and then there's something that means I have to get up. At one point, we have an interaction with H's grandfather, who's apparently staying with us. (He passed away a couple of years ago, but it feels like yesterday) He knows about us sleeping in the same bed, and doesn't seem to mind.

3rd December 2021

Dream:

I am talking to my eldest sibling through Steam, something about a problem they're having with smells in the bathroom. Then, I'm at theirs. It's a house they bought recently and I'm helping by saying what to watch out for and trying to help plan the bathroom's extraction route. There's a big 35 PSI orange turbine blower, it looks too big for the job, but I figure it doesn't really matter.

Outside the house there's a weird roof and I spot some problems with pointed brickwork that will need sorting out. I tell them and explain a bit. The house seems to be in the middle of some woods; it's Autumn and there are fallen leaves everywhere. I think it might be a bit damp. I don't get to see the other sides of the house but I did mean to. The house has three floors in total and something about the shape looks... Wonky.

Then something about turn-based combat. In a cave area, a boss creature my middle sibling is fighting. I try to help by grappling onto it and being dragged around a bit, until I'm on its rear end/back. I swing a sword and drink a potion of ultra haste to swing faster, but even at this distance all my attacks seem to "miss" and do nothing. Some bit which has an energy barrier, opening up to a pit or cave tunnel going down. I get the impression my sibling is trying to lure the creature there but I am concerned about this place and that this might not work. I think I have some fear of thing backfiring, and it being us falling in.

Notes:

- In retrospect, the battle and our roles in it seems linked to my impressions of how I think my sibling might be coping (or not) with their own issues. The whole dream has some interesting symbolic interpretation potentials, but either way seems to relate to my views on both of my siblings.

- I think the forest was some kind of pine forest, I can't recall exactly, but the trees were certainly very tall, being taller than the house.

- The cave bit's entrance was nearby, behind the house somewhere.

29th November 2021

Very abridged, many details weren't retained after waking; this was a brief lucid involving a false awakening and the lucid part felt continuous and lasting several minutes.

Dream:

I am out and about in a place like old home. Reminds me of 98 and I am with mom maybe, and a group of kids. It's some kind of school trip. (mom is here as a teacher?) I cross some foot bridge thing. It's sunny. I then go into a cafe or shop place, somewhat dark and unlit, except by the bounced light from outside. There are a few dream characters here, there's a counter of some kind on the left side and the place is deep-ish, being long and relatively narrow more than anything else.

I start hearing my thoughts and they are very present. My thoughts tell me I'm dreaming and I confirm this in some way by interacting in some specific way with the people. For some reason, I still feel self-conscious, or like it's impolite to do anything right away, excusing myself and eventually going outside again. My memory in the dream feels decent and I perceive all the visual details vividly but physical sensations are faint.

As I walk between two buildings, I start feeling some kind of arousal but successfully repress it. Instead of letting myself give in to an urge of making myself grow, I start trying to fly. Unable to fly, I am more leaping in large bounds of varying gravity each time. At some point I lose a bit of lucid awareness but I realise this and so I regain some clarity. Eventually I slip away into non-lucidness again and "wake up" falsely, into some other dream segment.

Then I am in a sofa bed with S; she seems needlessly concerned, anxious. This looks like the room me and H have stayed in, when I've visited my parents; it feels like old home, anyway. Thinking I'm actually awake, I try to ignore her a bit and I take my phone out to write down my dream, starting on some detail. But I stop because I'm interrupted by H, who's prompting me to get up as he comes into the room. We discuss something about our day coming ahead.

(recall gap?) Still in the same place, I am playing some game? Something about the original DOOM. Then I realise it's 3PM somehow, and wonder why or how it got so late, kind of in shock. But I don't dwell on it very long. (missed a perfect cue here)

(recall gap)

In some kind of ship, something about a fridge and some chemicals, including screenwash?

Notes:

- I mostly repressed the urge for growing because I always end up feeling like lucidity makes me want to do sexual things, which is fine, but at the same time I also want to focus on other things. Many times I've tried falling asleep with painting, or even art in general, in mind as a lucid objective just in case I ever do become lucid, since it's rare for me.

- After I became lucid, I have some recall that after the two buildings there was a cityscape past a dip (river?) but also a sort of digital-looking existence, like in some old 2000s 3D cartoons. There was something bizarre and unusual about the background, anyway, as well as some other kind of foot bridge.

- The manner in which I became lucid was unusual, not that I have a great deal of samples to compare with.

20th November 2021

Fragment:

Somewhat adventure-like dream. (left recall too long) Something about turning some huge metal wheels in a couple of buildings at a sea side quay. This makes the clocks of a large nearby church work again.
(I have vague recall even now of the dream, visually. I think at one point I was on some rafters in the church, but I also recall it was a bit of an overcast and yellow-ish day outside.)


21st November 2021

Dream:

I'm with mom in a kitchen of sorts. There's a weird gas oven of some kind that mom is using. I'm just doing some cutlery things with a cupboard. I had just been talking to H and asking if he wasn't going to eat his egg soup thing. Also something about "chef John".

Mom is trying to get the gas thing going and has some rice and sausages which will be getting cooked. I tell her some wicks (?) have gone out. She increases the flow, nothing happens at first and then big flames from those wicks. I tell her she should back it down and she does. Then the food she was cooking seems to have become overdone for her liking. The sausages have supposedly gone sour, and the rice stodgy. I taste a slice of sausage and it tastes bland but not sour, although I did smell something sour.

Then I'm checking my phone. Something weird is going on and I conclude it's a virus on my phone. Messages I'd received are FUBAR on a UI-level and I can't dismiss anything. Pressing home just takes me to some sort of gallery, which has pictures of beaches and of naked female porn stars or something to that effect.


22nd November 2021

Fragment:

(recall left too late) Something about being on a highway or the like. Traffic direction orientation is not as I would expect for where I live. At one point I do not perceive myself as being in a vehicle and am somehow pulling myself along fast enough to at speed, but it feels like I'm struggling a bit. There's a T-junction that's more like a corner and I want to go left where the road curves more naturally.

01/19/22

I woke up around 5:00 with some indigestion. I had hoped to go back to sleep, but the indigestion kept me awake for around 45 minutes to an hour. During this time I looked at some memes and read the Bible.

Looking for the Dream Base Library

I think I might be getting better at WILDing, because I don't know if I ever lost my awareness from being awake. I think, maybe (vague memory) what I have been doing is imagining myself doing a nose pinch RC, and at some point find myself doing one. Anyway, at some point I find myself aware, and possibly do a nose pinch RC. I'm dreaming, or close to it anyway. I sit up in my "dream body", continuing to do a nose pinch RC now and then. I make my way to the front door so I can get outside and do something. I find that I don't have to worry about unlocking the door, I can just open it. I walk outside. At first I think to myself that I should try to go to Synthos again, but then I remember that I had a different plan. It seems to be a bit difficult to remember at first, but then I recall the Task of the Year, to build the Dream Base!

I had decided to work on the library. But how am I going to find it? I'm in a city. I think I just start walking with the idea in my mind of the Dream Base library. I might repeat "Dream Base library" to myself as I do so. At some point I begin to lose the dream (things go black anyway). I wait it out for a few moments, and the dream returns with me standing with my face against some obstruction hanging down from above. Someone is talking to me about how we aren't allowed to stand there staring at historic buildings (which is what I look like I'm doing, I guess). I continue my search.

I think I go into a building looking for the Dream Base library. It is some kind of a store. There are a lot of interesting things there, but it isn't the library. There is a small staircase to my left. I walk up this thinking maybe it will take me there. It seems to me it just ends after a couple of steps. I find a mirror, and think maybe I can use that as a portal. But I just keep seeing my reflection in it. Then I try to envision a portal below me and try to jump through it. Nope. I think about spinning, but I'm a bit worried I'll lose the dream if I do that. I find a blank space on the wall next to me, and try to imagine the Dream Base. Then I imagine that there is a door to my left that will lead me there.

I look to my left, and there is indeed a door. It's not quite like I imagined, but it's a door anyway. Behind it is a closet. Still not the library! Oh well, the door was supposedly going to take me to the Dream Base, so I look in the closet. There are two people with me now, possibly my nieces. We start rummaging around in all the things in the closet. Someone mentions that maybe we shouldn't mess with someone else's things, but I (or someone else) point out that it's my dream so it's all my stuff (it seems like I or they mentioned me in the third person - "All Sam's stuff").

I push some things aside, and just find a wall. There are some protrusions on the wall, like something was nailed there. I find a squarish one, and pretend that it is a button that will activate something (maybe an elevator?) to take us to the Dream Base library. It gives a little, acting like a button, and then the shelves that I have been searching start to detach from the wall. The shelves and floor that we have been standing on detach from their surroundings, and become part of a hidden elevator suspended in a somewhat darkened shaft.

The elevator can be controlled by cords that are hanging down next to us. We start descending, and somehow are aware that we are going deep into the Earth (I think), on the scale of miles (or possibly "years"). Somehow I increase the speed, and now it's possibly on the scale of hundreds of miles. Also, I lose the cord, and for a moment we don't have control of the elevator. But I think I will it to come back, or somehow get ahold of it (or a new one). I stop the elevator and wrap the cord around some sculpture-like thing next to us...

Here the dream recall is a little fuzzy, or else the dream itself skipped or something. We're on the elevator platform, and someone who has joined us is trying to get back on. There is a gap between where he is standing and where we are, and it seems that in order for him to cross this gap successfully there is a specific sequence of actions that we have to do. This involves him doing something, and me pushing on a protrusion in the sculpture next to me. It takes a couple of tries to get it right. But finally he's back on board, and we are reascending the elevator.

Here is the somewhat frustrating part - I seem to think at this point that I found the library. I thought I had in the dream, but now that I'm awake I don't remember it! But in the dream, I think to myself that I could just wake up now having succeeded in my mission. Instead though, I think it would be nice to go back to where I started, because there are people waiting for us there (or something like that) and it would be fun to return and tell them what happened. We ride the elevator upwards, and the kids turn around to see the scenery below us as we go up. There seem to be animals (monkeys?) off to the sides that are throwing things at us. We reach the top of the shaft, or at least the level of the closet. I think it would be interesting to see if the elevator would keep going up, but I get off at the closet.

I'm trying to get back to my starting point. I have an idea of which direction it is, and find that I can just force my way through doors and walls to head there. I don't quite recall what happened at this point...


Grocery Store Lucid

This might be part of the Dream Base dream, but I don't exactly remember.I'm in a grocery store now, lucid I guess. Someone is making an announcement about the lucid store, I don't remember exactly what it was. One difference between the dream store and waking stores is that the food is all in plastic bags instead of other packaging. Some other things happened, which may or may not have been lucid. At some point my mother was pointing out that it was "fish season", and I could get some catfish if I wanted. I had eaten too much fish earlier though, and fish didn't sound that good to me...Some time after this, I'm discussing this dream store with someone else. One thing I like about it is that I can eat all I want and never get filled up, since it's all dream food!